Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned

[newmoon]

it's just amazing how many truly incompatible people marry one another. that is your problem. you have good husbands and good wives, but they are paired with the wrong people.

[SJC2008]

People are dumb, marry the wrong people for the wrong reasons. People lack self awareness, this is a big part of the problem.They're immoral, lie and cheat. Why marry if you're gonna cheat? Not all cheating is due to a lack of, it's a want of variety.

 

The above aside, this feminist society we live in has created a monster. Many women are controlling, not due to feminism but when combined with it's a bad combination. You can't change biology. Men are superior to women, not better, superior. We're the hunters, fighters. We build and destroy and women took care of domestics. Now does this mean men are better than woman? Not in any way shape or form. As society has evolved, men have realized this and women got the voting rights they deserved and women work more now than they ever did. The majority of college graduates are women. They're not looked at as "your place is in the kitchen". The feminist movement has gotten women the rights they deserved but the pendilum has swung the other way and women are taking over. A man has almost no chance of gaining custody of his kids. In many states, alimony is life time. Women want to be on the front lines in the battlefield. Where does it stop?

 

Many women run the show behind closed doors. I know men who are "alpha" but their woman runs the show. These women starr to resent their men and lose attraction ro them because resentmenr is an attraction killer. So the answer to the problem is to date women who aren't controlling. They're hard to find but they're out there. Date women who understand that that the man should be the leader of the household and the relationship. I don't mean this in a dictator/controlling way either but in a healthy way.

[Thegameoflife]

My issue is that I learned to do everything when it comes to both roles, while simultaneously securing a much higher paying job. As much as I am capable of equal contribution, my wife can't fill in for traditional male roles, and I can't possibly do an equal share at home. She didn't grow up with a male figure that was more successful at home, and she has trouble filling the role that is needed to be filled. Big problem.

[ForeverTainted]

My issue is that I learned to do everything when it comes to both roles, while simultaneously securing a much higher paying job. As much as I am capable of equal contribution, my wife can't fill in for traditional male roles, and I can't possibly do an equal share at home. She didn't grow up with a male figure that was more successful at home, and she has trouble filling the role that is needed to be filled. Big problem.

 

People need to do their share. some people don't make as much money as other people but work twice as long. gender aside. If your wife works less than you she should be doing more at home.

 

so stop catering to it. Doing everything isn't being a "great husband". Whatever gender it is it is being used. I know a woman who works as many hours as her husband and then does almost everything at home. She thinks she is a great wife but really she is just catering to a spoiled baby. Who cares that he makes more money than her. that doesn't mean he is a great husband or should be off the hook for other sharing of the workload.

[SoleMate]

Wow, SJC, amazing rant.

 

Just one example where you need to update your understanding: "A man has almost no chance of gaining custody of his kids." That's just wrong. See: Villainous Company: Child Support/Custody Facts & Figures Fathers who seek joint or sole custody are successful the majority of the time. But many fathers don't even seek custody.

 

Now that you have the facts, will you correct your claim?

Edited August 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SJC2008]

I call it how I see it. The vast majority of women "run the show" in their R's. Women have been trying to define men since the 60's when they wanted their sexual liberation and wanted men to be more sensitive and look now. The last thing a guy should be is "nice". Women don't like to be questioned or challenged on anything. They'd rather be dead than wrong. A lot of men are lije that too but when it comes to being controlling, women tend to be controlling more often than men.

 

Edited August 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Thegameoflife]

People need to do their share. some people don't make as much money as other people but work twice as long. gender aside. If your wife works less than you she should be doing more at home.

 

so stop catering to it. Doing everything isn't being a "great husband". Whatever gender it is it is being used. I know a woman who works as many hours as her husband and then does almost everything at home. She thinks she is a great wife but really she is just catering to a spoiled baby. Who cares that he makes more money than her. that doesn't mean he is a great husband or should be off the hook for other sharing of the workload.

 

I don't do everything. I work 50+ hours a week, and do a good chunk. Things are just not getting done. She had the summer off and the house wasn't clean once. I don't think she should do it because she's a woman, but because she has time.

[Discjockey80]

I think what the article really says is that at the end of the day...women need to shape up and get over themselves. I want this...no that...no this....no that.

 

 

I think what it truly reflects are how many issues women have with themselves AND how men just need to be men again and quit worrying about tip toeing around women.

 

 

Simple as that.

 

 

We can all still be decent loving human beings in the process.

[Clockwork]

Here are some quotes I like to live by:

 

"I like men to be men and my women to be women."

 

In other words, I am a man's man. I really am. I love my sports, I am big, I'm strong, I work like a dog, I don't cry wolf, heck I haven't even shed a tear privately or publicly since my wedding day, I wouldn't and will never pierce a part of my body and I'm protective. My wife knows all of this. She won't try and change me and likewise. However, like a lot of big guys I am a big teddy bear. Like a bear I need to be provoked to fight, but like a bear I don't back down when I am challenged. This doesn't make me less manly, it just makes me have more common sense. I know who I am and what I am capable of doing.

 

Behind closed doors, I talk to my wife. Do I wear the pants? Yeah. But my wife is not a confrontational woman. She's quiet, very content and if she is ever being too much of a pushover I tell her not to be. I don't beat her, cheat on her or swear at her. Never called her a name in my life. We'll fight of course, but I've never gone to bed angry with her, not once.

 

As a guy, I have what I would call "Douche radar". I can tell from the handshake whether or not a guy is a douche or not. The guys from Jersey Shore? Douches. Plus they are way, way too much of metrosexuals. Women don't want men who are effeminate like them. They want truly manly men, guys with integrity.

 

And believe me, no matter what happens, the mistakes women make are with these losers. They get mistreated, and guys like me see this in high school and can see it coming. But eventually all of these women come to the teddy bear type of guys. They marry guys like us. We aren't the Brad Pitt types, but they feel safe with us, they love us, their dads love us. Usually I find these women don't let these types of guys go.

 

On the flip side, guys make all of their bad mistakes with the Veronica Lodge's of the world (think Archie comic books). These high maintenance Kardashian type girls who you don't want to spend an hour with because they irritate you so much. They are "girls' girls" but they have absolutely no motor skills whatsoever. We get sick of these girls. We cheat on them. We curse at them. These types of girls are the ones that always say all they do is attract jerks. You know them. No one likes them. Then all of the sudden we see the Bettys of the world (think Archie comics again). She's the girl next door, she's always been there. She's cute, loves her sports like you do, but is still feminine, is fun to be around, your mom likes her and she is as sexy as she is a great mother. We marry these women and don't let them go.

 

 

So what's the moral of the story? No one wants to be in a relationship with a person who believes that a "happy life is happy wife" and nothing else matters. Women deep down don't really want a guy who thinks this way either. Women deep down like a guy who respects them, but still wears the pants.

[SoleMate]

Fascinating, the spews of irrelevant non sequiturs this post has touched off, by men who are trying to make some Tarzan-like point. Lots of argumentation, yet still not a single data point or even anecdote tending to substantiate that "great husbands" have been "abandoned". No, it does not count that a particular individual considers himself a "great husband". Frankly, anointing oneself a "great husband" without reference to the only important opinion - the wife's - is just laughable. (Vice versa for a woman who might claim to be a "great wife", though I see a lot less of that.)

 

In fact, without a clear definition of a "great husband" to work from, this article should not have been written. And most of the men responding need a basic class in Logic 101.

[SoleMate]

Women have been trying to define men since the 60's when they wanted their sexual liberation and wanted men to be more sensitive and look now.

At what?

 

Oh....men.

 

Yeah, sorry we broke you all and made you unable to think clearly, and fearful of other men's penises, or just too darn great to be real, or overly sensitive, or whatever the problem is as you see it.

[dreamingoftigers]

At what?

 

Oh....men.

 

Yeah, sorry we broke you all and made you unable to think clearly, and fearful of other men's penises, or just too darn great to be real, or overly sensitive, or whatever the problem is as you see it.

 

It behooves me how somehow 'we' as women are responsible for how men act and think. If 'we' are so in control of it all, and not just a group of individual people with our own issues and self-revelations, they how come 'we' as women are clearly not 'getting what we want' from 'men?'

 

Or is it that we as individuals have different ideas about relationships and the operation of them? Including what makes a "great" husband?

 

Maybe if so many women are leaving these "great husbands" in droves, it is really that they find marriage intolerable. Even with a great husband. Does that make them singularly horrible people? Should they stay in a relationship arrangement they find intolerable? Would these otherwise "great husbands" want them to?

 

So we return to what's actually important instead of just gender-blaming hype.

Is it more important to lay the blame down on someone, or 'women' or 'feminists' or the 'sixties' or whatever .....or is it more important to say "what factors are contributing to this? How can this be avoided or should it even be avoided? Why is this so-called phenomenon taking place? What's causing her to throw it all away? Is it a symptom of her personality, generation, history, unresolved feelings and what is he doing that may contribute to this? Is he still wanting the marriage? Are they both complacent?"

 

It seems that often many men rush to judgment in these threads instead of trying to understand the actual process here.

 

And LOL over the "Imagreathusband" descriptions. There was one that just.....yeah....we would not have been peacefully married....not at all. Because 'women' may stratify in certain ways, but certainly not in all ways just like men. Just like all women aren't crackwhores, and can't identify with them....not all men can identify being a rapist or pedophile. It isn't a very logical way to think. Some perspectives I can understand. Others I can't. And another thing.....people lie.

 

People lie a lot. Especially conflict-avoidant people in a marriahe counselor's office.

"Yesh sure I listened to her feelings."

[Woggle]

At what?

 

Oh....men.

 

Yeah, sorry we broke you all and made you unable to think clearly, and fearful of other men's penises, or just too darn great to be real, or overly sensitive, or whatever the problem is as you see it.

 

I am not saying every woman thinks this way but the sensitive men that were so heavily promoted for so many years clearly are not attractive to a lot of women. Most people are not attracted to somebody that doesn't respect themselves and it goes the other way around as well.

 

I have noticed though that male bashers tend to deep down be attracted to the very traits they claim to hate in men.

[WasOtherWoman]

As my husband likes to tell me... "food, sex and sleep, that's what men need. Anything more than that, and you are overthinking us."

 

Obviously he is being funny, but there is a lot to be said for that. In my humble opinion, folks way overthink their relationships.

 

My husband is not a pushover, and that is a good thing. He will only tolerate so much of my crap...... he loves, protects me, provides for me (LOL which I sooo do not need, but I understand his need to take care of me and I let him, gratefully).

 

He genuinely cares about people, and he shows it through his actions, not his words.

 

He is absolutely one of the good guys, and I make sure to always treat him with the respect that he both deserves, and affords me.

[Woggle]

As my husband likes to tell me... "food, sex and sleep, that's what men need. Anything more than that, and you are overthinking us."

 

Obviously he is being funny, but there is a lot to be said for that. In my humble opinion, folks way overthink their relationships.

 

My husband is not a pushover, and that is a good thing. He will only tolerate so much of my crap...... he loves, protects me, provides for me (LOL which I sooo do not need, but I understand his need to take care of me and I let him, gratefully).

 

He genuinely cares about people, and he shows it through his actions, not his words.

 

He is absolutely one of the good guys, and I make sure to always treat him with the respect that he both deserves, and affords me.

 

My wife is a female version of your husband and I always make sure she gets my very best. She earned it.

[SoleMate]

Back to the OP: A claim that "great husbands" are being abandoned by women.

 

Not the slightest substantiation that any men were "abandoned", let alone that they were "great husbands" - other than their own assertion.

 

Author Randi really rang a bell there - it seemed to touch off a torrent of male grief ranging all over every possible gripe and topic area known to man. The unspoken, barely coherent theme seemed to be: "Women don't act the way men want them to."

 

Let me repeat: No man can call himself a great husband without reference to his wife's opinion, without looking like a self-deluding idiot. It's like McDonald's publishing a report on how great their food quality is. Or Vladimir Putin awarding himself a peace prize. Or, more neutrally, an artist claiming that his or her works are the best quality art around. Because those are all matters of opinion.

 

Imagine a thread: Why Great Paintings Are Left Unsold in Galleries. With all quotes coming from artists: "My artwork is attractive and tasteful. It's reasonably priced and looks great in any setting. It's a great buy for anyone at any income level. Nobody reasonable could fail to adore it. Customers have been failing to buy my art because [the 60s, selfish, stupid, don't understand how great I am, only think about themselves, too busy taking drugs, got what they wanted, selfish b!t<hes & @$$h0!es, don't understand my technique, don't know what they want, want the wrong thing etc. ad nauseam]." That's what this thread reads like, to me. Show me the painting, give me an objective dossier on the husband, and I'll tell you what you're asking to know.

[SJC2008]

Wow, SJC, amazing rant.

 

Just one example where you need to update your understanding: "A man has almost no chance of gaining custody of his kids." That's just wrong. See: Villainous Company: Child Support/Custody Facts & Figures Fathers who seek joint or sole custody are successful the majority of the time. But many fathers don't even seek custody.

 

Now that you have the facts, will you correct your claim?

 

You must not know me, of course I'll change my stance on that. I was wrong, it looks like things have changed:)

[Appreciate]

SoleMate,

 

There are plenty of good, if not great husbands, being abandoned or cheated on by their wives. These guys were confident, outgoing men whose wives blew up their marriages and families for their own selfish reasons.

 

I don't think the question of whether someone was a great husband can be solely qualified by the wife. Just like the question of someone is a great parent can not be solely qualified by the children. It's from observations of family, friends, children and objective measures.

 

There are plenty of men who are good guys in 50/50-ish relationships where the husband and wife are lovers, good or best friends, and parents. The couples are compatible, they don't have serious fights, they love each other, the have sex regularly, they support each other and they enjoy each other's company. They are what other people would call a solid couple. They've made it through the first few years of relationship, fell in love, got married, had kids. The Path.

 

Then there's a change in the environment. The wife goes back to school, or changes careers, starts taking a class and a single/divorced/married male whom she could potentially be attracted to is now in her life. She feels empowered or changed or appreciated in a new way because she is being desired by someone new. And she hides this fact from her husband, or downplays the "friendship". You know where it goes.. soon enough she is getting bent over the kitchen table, having the orgasms of her life, neglecting her kids and texting the OM all the time, etc. etc. And whose fault is it? If she is to be believed, it's the husband. For reasons x, y, z that don't make any sense. Because some women like to have their little flirts, their little secrets and they think it's something they can manage. But then it turns into an affair.

 

Trust me, abandonment and cheating happens to great husbands.

[giotto]

Back to the OP: A claim that "great husbands" are being abandoned by women.

 

Not the slightest substantiation that any men were "abandoned", let alone that they were "great husbands" - other than their own assertion.

 

Author Randi really rang a bell there - it seemed to touch off a torrent of male grief ranging all over every possible gripe and topic area known to man. The unspoken, barely coherent theme seemed to be: "Women don't act the way men want them to."

 

Let me repeat: No man can call himself a great husband without reference to his wife's opinion, without looking like a self-deluding idiot. It's like McDonald's publishing a report on how great their food quality is. Or Vladimir Putin awarding himself a peace prize. Or, more neutrally, an artist claiming that his or her works are the best quality art around. Because those are all matters of opinion.

 

Imagine a thread: Why Great Paintings Are Left Unsold in Galleries. With all quotes coming from artists: "My artwork is attractive and tasteful. It's reasonably priced and looks great in any setting. It's a great buy for anyone at any income level. Nobody reasonable could fail to adore it. Customers have been failing to buy my art because [the 60s, selfish, stupid, don't understand how great I am, only think about themselves, too busy taking drugs, got what they wanted, selfish b!t<hes & @$$h0!es, don't understand my technique, don't know what they want, want the wrong thing etc. ad nauseam]." That's what this thread reads like, to me. Show me the painting, give me an objective dossier on the husband, and I'll tell you what you're asking to know.

 

So, nobody can have an opinion about themselves? It has to be validated by others? I find this rather ridiculous...

 

The author is a therapist with many years of experience. So, he knows what he is talking about...

[carhill]

Some of the female author's (of the article) perceived bias may be predicated on the fact that she's been apparently been married for over 50 years to the young man she first met as a teen. Even with decades of clinical experience, she focuses on the topic from the perspective of being a long married person who's likely faced numerous challenges in life as we all do.

 

I read some of her blogs on marriage and interpersonal relationships (linked to her bio in the article) back to 2011 anyway and, IMO, she takes men and women to task pretty equally, which is what a good MC/CC should do. In her space, the marriage is the client so she's focused on what's best for the marriage and, IME in MC, neither party to the M has sufficiently high ground to be completely unchallenged.

 

I recall, when my exW called me recently after her best friend died, she mentioned she'd have done some 'things' completely differently if she had a 'do-over'. I left that comment alone because I simply have no interest in conversing with her anymore on any intimate level but the tone was one of reflection, and I respect her for that. Perhaps that kind of reflection is, amongst other similar dynamics, what the author is suggesting her readers consider. In any event, kudos to her and her H for their long marriage and weathering the obstacles which come with that and attempting to view relationship dynamics in a balanced way.

[dichotomy]

Some of the female author's (of the article) perceived bias may be predicated on the fact that she's been apparently been married for over 50 years to the young man she first met as a teen. Even with decades of clinical experience, she focuses on the topic from the perspective of being a long married person who's likely faced numerous challenges in life as we all do.

 

I read some of her blogs on marriage and interpersonal relationships (linked to her bio in the article) back to 2011 anyway and, IMO, she takes men and women to task pretty equally, which is what a good MC/CC should do. In her space, the marriage is the client so she's focused on what's best for the marriage and, IME in MC, neither party to the M has sufficiently high ground to be completely unchallenged.

 

I recall, when my exW called me recently after her best friend died, she mentioned she'd have done some 'things' completely differently if she had a 'do-over'. I left that comment alone because I simply have no interest in conversing with her anymore on any intimate level but the tone was one of reflection, and I respect her for that. Perhaps that kind of reflection is, amongst other similar dynamics, what the author is suggesting her readers consider. In any event, kudos to her and her H for their long marriage and weathering the obstacles which come with that and attempting to view relationship dynamics in a balanced way.

 

 

Thanks for your comments on the author and her other posts. I will search those other posts out.

 

I think your bolded point about your ex is mentioned in her article - is similar to the thoughts of a few of the women mentioned in the article. In fairness there are more than a few men who have run off with some fascinating wild mistress only to find themselves to have regretted the choice.

[ForeverTainted]

Honestly the author sounds like a woman who wants to win brownie points with the boys. She has an obvious bias against her sex like she sees all the female MC who have a bias against men and doesn't want to be that way so she swung the otherway too far.

 

If it was titled why "great spouses" are being abandoned then i would find it far less biased.

[SJC2008]

It all boils down to our culture.You can'r criticize women in the western world. If this was on meb cheating, "upgrading" to a younger women people would be like "What's new?". But when it was about a women? lol. I have women issues, people that know me here know that. They also know I don't take sides on posts because of gender, I call it how I see it. They also know how I feel about people in general. My whole point is that women aren't the damsels in distress our culture paints them to be!

[Woggle]

Honestly the author sounds like a woman who wants to win brownie points with the boys. She has an obvious bias against her sex like she sees all the female MC who have a bias against men and doesn't want to be that way so she swung the otherway too far.

 

If it was titled why "great spouses" are being abandoned then i would find it far less biased.

 

Just because a woman is fair minded doesn't mean that she has a bias against her sex. People should look at the actual facts instead of just siding with your own kind. Nobody should get points because of how they are born.

[SoleMate]

So, nobody can have an opinion about themselves? It has to be validated by others?

 

Sure, anyone can have an opinion. Here's the nuance you're missing: when you speak about your performance in a role which structurally requires the approbation of another person, and you omit that person's evaluation as if it were irrelevant, it demonstrates profound cluelessness. Again, think: artist knows better than art customer? employee knows better than employer?

 

Or, can it be, the "great husbands" truly don't care whether their wives actually found them great. It's not important. And that right there proves how non-great the husband actually was.

 

The author is a therapist with many years of experience. So, he knows what he is talking about.

No, this does not follow.