I ended it

[FusionCutter]

You know, Fusion, I was nice to you when you were posting about your MW. If you're bored with my problems, don't read about them.

 

Yes, I thought it needed a new thread. Because I needed immediate feedback or I was really ready to contact him and spill my guts. Instead I did it here, so maybe now I will be able to get thru tonight.

 

Staying off LS may not be a bad idea, though.

 

I meant creating a new thread. Sorry. The tone sounded harsh but I was really asking in a neutral sort of way. Again, I apologize if it sounded harsh.

 

Yeah maybe take a break from LS. I found it was almost as if I replaced one addiction (the affair) with another. Try to distract yourself with other things. Every affair (like every relationship) is different. Things will always work themselves out. Hang in there. You're doing great. Think about in 3-6months time you'll have moved on with your life. You'll look back on this like another chapter. Like an old boyfriend or something. I followed your advice on the my thread. I started going on dates with other girls. And boy is it a golden feeling.

[Pinklotus]

I don't see how you can do MC and not be totally honest. How can that work? Not disclosing the A is still lying by omission.

 

I do wish you all the success in the world with NC. It will work eventually if you don't weaken. Avoiding everything that you ever shared with you AP is the only way to go.

It means you have to clean him out of your life, mind and heart COMPLETELY. If you do this wholeheartedly, without the pining and thinking "if only", then you will be the winner.

 

I have been NC now for 4 months. It took me 3 years to do it. Once I resolved to do it, it was much easier than I thought. The difference between this time and the times before? I REALLY REALLY wanted to get rid of him. He was wrecking me as a person and my life. It was a lot like quitting smoking really.

Warm wishes,

Poppy.

 

Thank you, Poppy. Yes, it is like an addiction. And no addiction is good.

 

I hear what you're saying about the mc and confession. But, we have been working on things in the sessions that have been simmering for years and causing frustration and resentment, mostly for me. So it has really helped in that respect. It has made us closer and helped us to understand each other's patterns and communication styles better, too. So it has been very helpful in that respect.

 

Sometimes I think that a confession would drive the counseling away from the root problems that let me to the EA in the first place. I don't know.

[Pinklotus]

Thank you, Moscote. A lot of good advice there. It is hard to go slowly when you just want to stop feeling this way, but I know you're right. The affair did not make me happy. It left me in a constant state of guilt, anxiety, and of always wanting more but never being able to have it.

 

I truly appreciate your kindness and advice.

 

 

Glad you have had a good day, seemed like another step forward for you, congrats. Surely you will have many more great days ahead, especially with that level of commitment and strength you have now.

 

Endure this bit that you still have to face, let it go slowly, don't force yourself. You shouldn't expect to just forget and let it all go in a flip, it's not nothing, it is something that has profoundly affect your life. So be patient, hold strictly on the NC, and remind yourself of your goals, you will make it through, like many here have. Just take your time and keep on learning and reflecting on your situation.

 

Be optimist and belief in your ability to move forward. You have all the time later, after you have recompose yourself, to work on your marriage, to make it much more satisfying and purposeful to your life than that affair. You are already on the right track anyway.

 

Peace be with you, good luck.

[sunburned]

Its okay, you are ready, its just scary because it feels so final and of course your going to greivevand yearn for his contact.

I know this aweful feeling you have like the back of my hand.

Its a roller coaster of ups and downs...but it does get easier.

The anticipating his letter of reference is also keeping you holding on.

Also Im sure a small part of you hoped he would ask you not to go?

Either way you looked strong and Im sure he respected you so much for making that move.

It would look weak and sad if you went back on it and you would hurt the most.

Bonding back with my hubby was slow but it really happened.

Its like we were dating again and I saw what putting all my heart and energy into him could accomplish.

Your heart and mind are trained to focus on him...gotta retrain them.

Your doing great...no turning back girl...chin up.

Plan a date this weekend with hubby!

You are fine. Be proud.

 

You done good, PinkLotus! Don't undo. You can always try a break from LS. I agree with the previous poster. I felt I traded one addiction for another. I did break for a bit but found it helpful to keep me in NC and, as you know, it's been a year.

 

Also remember, this is so new for you! It's only been a few days. You may feel better or even worse tomorrow. Same with a week from now, a month from now. I found my healing was not necessarily linear. It did get worse before it got better. For me, it was back and forth for three months or so before it got consistently better.

 

Personally (and it's risky to say it here), I don't think you need to confess a relatively short EA. Then it will become all about your A and not the other issues. If, after ironing out the other issues, you feel it's necessary then by all means. Just consider the common LS warning that the longer you wait, the angrier H will be and reconciliation that much harder. I think you also mentioned previously that H was suspicious. Enough to dig? In that case, you may also want to consider confessing. Wishing you peace!

[loveboid]

I think he ended it before you, whatever it was.

 

Good luck.

[Pinklotus]

Hi Sunburned,

 

It is good to hear from you! I feel better today. I also talked to a close friend, the only person who knows besides my therapist, and she reminded me of what a dog he can be (her words); his history! his ability to lie, his general f'd upness, no matter how nice he can be.

 

A good reality hit from somebody who knows him.

 

Thanks for the reminder about how healing can happen. The mind is a strange thing. I also remembered some dreams that my therapist helped me decipher, and they really were telling me to get out and get out fast. That not only is it dangerous, but that I am not cut out for this type of thing.

 

I'm glad you are doing well and your story helps very much!

 

As far as telling, I still don't know what to do. I tend to agree with you and I also feel that since I never actually even went out with him, let alone had any physical contact, there is not much to tell. I ended it, told him that's it, end of story.

 

Thank you again!

 

 

You done good, PinkLotus! Don't undo. You can always try a break from LS. I agree with the previous poster. I felt I traded one addiction for another. I did break for a bit but found it helpful to keep me in NC and, as you know, it's been a year.

 

Also remember, this is so new for you! It's only been a few days. You may feel better or even worse tomorrow. Same with a week from now, a month from now. I found my healing was not necessarily linear. It did get worse before it got better. For me, it was back and forth for three months or so before it got consistently better.

 

Personally (and it's risky to say it here), I don't think you need to confess a relatively short EA. Then it will become all about your A and not the other issues. If, after ironing out the other issues, you feel it's necessary then by all means. Just consider the common LS warning that the longer you wait, the angrier H will be and reconciliation that much harder. I think you also mentioned previously that H was suspicious. Enough to dig? In that case, you may also want to consider confessing. Wishing you peace!

[Pinklotus]

I think he ended it before you, whatever it was.

 

Good luck.

 

I disagree. He would have kept me hanging on indefinitely, if only for the attention. I said no more and frankly I suspect that it shocked him. I don't think he gets rejected much, if ever.

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Hey Pinklotus! Wanted to reply back since u responded to my thread earlier. Just curious how NC was going for u? I know u said you were a couple weeks in? Thanks for your kind reply and even though it is a struggle most days. I do have days that I know this was right to do..even though it is heartbreaking.

[hello234]

Hey MW.. I am in a similar situation, but I have told him that I do not want to meet "for awhile".. But I do not think I will meet him at all... It was getting too painful.. I think if you just cut it off completely, you may get relief.. When you think about cutting him off completely, don't you feel a sense of relief? Sure, I know there will be sadness, but don't you feel a load off your back?

 

BTW- I wanted to know- did the anti depressants help you feel better? I am thinking of taking them too...

[Pinklotus]

Hey Pinklotus! Wanted to reply back since u responded to my thread earlier. Just curious how NC was going for u? I know u said you were a couple weeks in? Thanks for your kind reply and even though it is a struggle most days. I do have days that I know this was right to do..even though it is heartbreaking.

 

 

Hi, Back2whatuknow,

 

It is going great. I had one bad day last week but I didn't contact him. The next day I felt tons better. I am seeing things clearly now that I am out of the fog. I have no desire to see him or talk to him. I told my therapist I don't know what came over me and that I am deeply ashamed. She told me I was in the fog and reminded me that people leave their families in the fog. Thank god I didn't.

 

I am happy that I have a wonderful husband and children. I have thrown myself into my role as wife and mother and my career, as well. I never want to go down this road again!

 

Just remind yourself that you deserve so much better. The fog will lift, and you will see even more clearly than you are now. Value yourself. He wasn't worth it.

[Pinklotus]

Hey MW.. I am in a similar situation, but I have told him that I do not want to meet "for awhile".. But I do not think I will meet him at all... It was getting too painful.. I think if you just cut it off completely, you may get relief.. When you think about cutting him off completely, don't you feel a sense of relief? Sure, I know there will be sadness, but don't you feel a load off your back?

 

BTW- I wanted to know- did the anti depressants help you feel better? I am thinking of taking them too...

 

Hi, Hello, I think you are addressing me? Yes, cutting it off completely is the only way to go. No contact. You will feel better soon after that. Staying in contact just prolongs the pain and mess. I do feel a huge load of my back, and I feel happier than I have in a long, long time.

 

Yes, I believe the antidepressants helped. Whether the affair caused the depression or vice versa I don't know. Not that it is an excuse. I think I was starting to get depressed and then made bad decisions. The meds have helped me to get centered and feel better each morning. I will be on them for about 5 more months and then will stop if all is going well. I recommend talking to someone about meds if you think you're depressed. It helped me to lift my head up off the pillow each morning and try to get going and think straight. If you're depressed, it is hard to make good decisions. Good luck!

[Pinklotus]

I include myself in that description, after having a brief EA that I recently ended after several months of IC and MC.

 

Why do I say babyish? Because it is looking for someone else to help fix your issues and/or distract you from them. It is not much different than a toddler who takes someone else's toy, or a small child who wants to continually sneak candy instead of eating healthfully.

 

It is not responsible, kind, ethical, or healthy.

 

I keep reading the new affair stories here and I now understand why some of the old time posters get so frustrated. It is the same story again and again.

 

Get out now while you can, get counseling and fix yourself. The affair is nothing but a band-aid that can never heal a much deeper wound.

 

I'll shut up now.

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Hi, Back2whatuknow,

 

It is going great. I had one bad day last week but I didn't contact him. The next day I felt tons better. I am seeing things clearly now that I am out of the fog. I have no desire to see him or talk to him. I told my therapist I don't know what came over me and that I am deeply ashamed. She told me I was in the fog and reminded me that people leave their families in the fog. Thank god I didn't.

 

I am happy that I have a wonderful husband and children. I have thrown myself into my role as wife and mother and my career, as well. I never want to go down this road again!

 

Just remind yourself that you deserve so much better. The fog will lift, and you will see even more clearly than you are now. Value yourself. He wasn't worth it.

 

Yay Pinklotus!! I am super happy for you! It is a fog and a battle. Yesterday I missed him...However I even had more courage to find out how to block restricted calls because those would pop up and Id never answer it even when I cut everything else off. I felt it was a final switch. I even had a dream that I was trying to keep him out of my house. I was yelling leave me alone when ai woke up lol. Think my mind is just going thru deleting. I keep thinking how he treated me good will pop up but alot of bad when i realized how he left me feeling. A part of me would like to seek therapy. I wonder the cost. I have done alot of self healing but maybe some help will make the road brighter. Hoping we both ride the storm out!

[Quiet Storm]

I think it also immature when people feel as though they must act on their feelings. I many stories where affairs "just happen", the intensity of the feelings were uncontrollable, the attraction could not be contained, the connection had a life of it's own, etc.

 

We all have feelings and emotions, but even as little kids we learn we can't just do whatever we feel. We can't hit our sister, even if we are steaming mad. We can't throw a tantrum, even if we don't want to go to bed right now. We learn very young not to yell at the teacher, cry over toys, steal stuff we want. We learn that although our feelings may be intense, it's not an excuse for bad behavior.

 

Attraction is just a feeling, just like anger, jealousy or sadness. It's just as controllable. Yet some people feel that attraction MUST be explored or acted on. They can't stay away, can't stop texting, can't stop crying, can't stop sneaking around, can't stop obsessing, ignore logic. This is very immature, because by adulthood you should be able to control your actions, protect yourself from emotionally dangerous situations and avoid people who aren't good for you. Your boundaries and standards don't have to go out the window just because you feel attraction.

 

You don't have to be a slave to your emotions. Allowing emotions to rule you gives your power away.

 

I think the mature way to handle intense attraction is to tell yourself "I feel attracted to him, but he's married, so he's off limits", and then take steps to starve the attraction, instead of doing things that feed the attraction.