I ended it

[sunburned]

Oh, that's okay. It's hard to keep track of all the stories.

 

I didn't email today, it was a couple days ago and he hasn't written back yet. I had waited a couple of days to respond, though. The longer between contact, the easier it seems to get. Although it's never been more than four days, and that only happened once or twice.

 

But I do feel like I turned a corner. For one thing, I feel so much more loving toward my husband. I have to say our MC is amazing.

 

The other thing is I am not only seeing MM's flaws, I am feeling differently about him because of them. That is a big change.

 

My husband got suspicious because I checked out of the marriage for awhile. I didn't want to spend time with him. I was grouchy and avoidant. I also lost weight and worked out more, but that was in process anyway. Time spent on phone and computer, etc....the usual stuff. There was one other thing that he misinterpreted as evidence but I don't want to go into detail here.

 

It has been around 5 mos total, didn't really get going with the heavy contact til 2 mos in. It is just in the past couple of weeks it has begun to wane, and a big part of that is because I have backed off and am not giving him the attention, encouragement, or pursuing things the way I did. My therapist pointed out that I initially liked this guy because he seemed so masculine, but the reality is that he is anything but traditionally masculine in our relationship. She noted to me that it seems he has done everything in his power to get me chasing HIM and that he has done as little as possible. Ironic. There was a period where it was very reciprocal but that still depended on me stroking his ego big time and making him feel good about himself.

 

She has cautioned me that once he realizes I'm backing off for good, he may really turn on the charm and try to win me back. I'm mentally preparing for that.

 

I love my husband and I don't want to lose him. I'm prepared to let MM go for good, needless to say.

 

I thought you did get to be the one who ended it?

 

Thanks again!

 

To address the last boldface first, my ending was really scrambled. I often wonder how he thinks he ended. Technically, I was the one who ended it, but it was more like the guy in high school who makes you so miserable, it forces you to break up with him (HS is a running theme with me isn't it? Despite having a medical degree, I seem to have the emotional IQ of a high school junior). In a nutshell, my xAP changed the "rules of engagement," easing up on the communication because, he said, his wife saw emails from me (fortunately innocent with nothing given away). But she asked why I was emailing. That put him in a tailspin. He said only he could initiate text and email and it would be scant. He would call when he could see me and it would be last minute. First of all, even within the confines of a hideous A, that was insulting. Second of all, you can't really have an EA without communication. My guilt was reaching its threshold anyway so I ended it (again, after he changed the "rules").

 

 

But a several week period of LC followed which kept the whole A on life support. I missed him so much I was ready to resume the A at his request, but then he reminded me his W was watching closely and he wouldn't be able to talk much. It was almost like he kept LC going long enough to change my mind then said "Psyche!" It was a Friday, I was traveling. I said I'd call him upon my return Monday. He said OK. I never did, but he didn't pursue it either.

 

 

You phrased my own feelings in your post when you said "The other thing is I am not only seeing MM's flaws, I am feeling differently about him because of them. That is a big change."

This is mature thinking (the very little I had) and it helped me maintain NC for about a year now. I realized I liked the attention, I liked feeling special, I liked embracing someone new. Though we had several things/interests in common, when it came down to it, it could have been a lot of different people. There was nothing truly special about him. My IC asked if I would date him if we were both single. One of those A-ha! moments. The answer was no. Too old and too flawed!

 

 

Your EA lasted about as long as mine, but seems like you got down to business right away in recognizing it for what it was and dealing with it. No wallowing in self pity, no eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's right out of the container? I had to pass through that phase first! Good for you with the IC and the MC. It sounds like you alighted on some great people. I spend a couple of months doing IC. I went through two and didn't find either terribly helplful, but they did help push me along just enough.

 

 

You seem to have a very good handle on your sitch and are determined in your recovery. I didn't understand why you were asking for affair exit advice (you should be giving it!), but I read your OP again and it seems what you're really asking is how do you stop thinking of him and how did you give him so much head space to begin with. I trust you are addressing that with your IC. Those were tough ones for me too. I do have some limited advice but must run. Will write a short addendum later. It's hard for me but I really can write short replies sometimes!

Edited August 15, 2014 by sunburned
typos

[Pinklotus]

Oh, there has been plenty of wallowing in self-pity, believe me. There were days I cried on the way to work, there were days I cried on the way home from work, and there were plenty of days when I cried the second I walked into my therapist's office! I did plenty of moping around the house, too, and just going off by myself to mull things over. The guilt would make me cry, the pain of wanting someone I couldn't have would make me cry, the thought of ending my marriage would make me cry. I was a mess at times.

 

Truthfully, there has been much more pain than gain in this relationship. The stress of him being so hot/cold. What it has done to my marriage. The guilt. The depression. He has kept me hanging on, dangling the carrot of "getting together" "drinks" "coffee" etc. Flirting and telling me how pretty I am, but we haven't seen each other since he left our place of employment. He expects me to chase him, initiate things, and get the ball rolling, but I'm done. I think he has been passive because it's a huge ego boost. And at first I think he was passive because he was my boss. But once he left, he started sounding like things would progress. But they never did. Possibly it also relieves the guilt by having me push things. My therapist thinks he just gets a huge boost from having attractive women pursue him. She thinks--based on what what she knows--that he is very narcissistic. Not an evil one. Just very egotistical and self-centered. There was trauma in his childhood. No doubt the trouble started there.

 

Also--truth be told--I think he is petrified deep down about getting caught, as he should be. He already experienced a dday with his former wife! I know, why I had to fall for this guy is a mystery. Like I said, you'd have to meet him. Part of it is that he is very attractive and he has that ability to attract women without trying very hard. Part of it is that he seemed the opposite of my husband--had many of the qualities that he doesn't--but as I noted in another post, he really isn't that different in so many ways after all. He just presents himself differently. An important distinction to have discovered. He IS lacking in some of the good qualities that my husband has, though, such as loyalty, honesty, and sensitivity.

 

My therapist also asked me if I would date him if we were both single, and truthfully, the answer is yes. I don't think I would have been so nutty and crazy for him, though. I think the affair situation made me feel more intensely. He would be a very fun guy to date. He's funny, sexy, and charming, and he is into all sorts of activities. But as for marriage, well, I'm not so sure he has what it takes.

 

I actually didn't enter into things with him even thinking about marriage though--I was just blindly attracted and then in the affair fog, and just wanted him and his attention. It wasn't until I was in over my head that I realized that my actions might end up having me switch one man for another, not to mention ending up divorced and living the single mom life without either one of them. The thought of breaking up my family and hurting my husband was/is becoming unbearable.

 

He emailed me twice today by the way--a very friendly, long email and a brief one with a song recommendation. He has sent me many songs, most of them love songs!!! But no mention of getting together, thankfully, because I wouldn't be able to do it now anyway. I haven't answered him and I don't plan to....the thing that is tough is that he was a great boss, though, and he still gives me great advice when we talk shop. He was probably the best boss I have ever had, and plenty of my colleagues think so, too. I mean I wish we could stay friends. He's funny, he's smart, we think alike. However, I realize that even though there's been no PA, the mutual attraction is there and it presents a clear and present danger.

 

I am still thinking about whether or not to send a nc letter. I'm thinking the way it's going I can just fade him out with no hurt feelings, though.

 

I'm only recently determined because I finally realize I cannot let my husband go; there is too much there, so much history. We have children and I love him, and I also realize that this OM is just sending me a line of bs and is completely untrustworthy. I mean I knew that all along. He really is a scoundrel, a loveable scoundrel but one nonetheless!

 

I have to run, too, but will try to write more later. Good for you for sending him packing. It does sound like you made the final call. Like you, I am finding some relief in running, working out, and being "supermom" again, but I know I have a ways to go to get to where you are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

To address the last boldface first, my ending was really scrambled. I often wonder how he thinks he ended. Technically, I was the one who ended it, but it was more like the guy in high school who makes you so miserable, it forces you to break up with him (HS is a running theme with me isn't it? Despite having a medical degree, I seem to have the emotional IQ of a high school junior). In a nutshell, my xAP changed the "rules of engagement," easing up on the communication because, he said, his wife saw emails from me (fortunately innocent with nothing given away). But she asked why I was emailing. That put him in a tailspin. He said only he could initiate text and email and it would be scant. He would call when he could see me and it would be last minute. First of all, even within the confines of a hideous A, that was insulting. Second of all, you can't really have an EA without communication. My guilt was reaching its threshold anyway so I ended it (again, after he changed the "rules").

 

 

But a several week period of LC followed which kept the whole A on life support. I missed him so much I was ready to resume the A at his request, but then he reminded me his W was watching closely and he wouldn't be able to talk much. It was almost like he kept LC going long enough to change my mind then said "Psyche!" It was a Friday, I was traveling. I said I'd call him upon my return Monday. He said OK. I never did, but he didn't pursue it either.

 

 

You phrased my own feelings in your post when you said "The other thing is I am not only seeing MM's flaws, I am feeling differently about him because of them. That is a big change."

This is mature thinking (the very little I had) and it helped me maintain NC for about a year now. I realized I liked the attention, I liked feeling special, I liked embracing someone new. Though we had several things/interests in common, when it came down to it, it could have been a lot of different people. There was nothing truly special about him. My IC asked if I would date him if we were both single. One of those A-ha! moments. The answer was no. Too old and too flawed!

 

 

Your EA lasted about as long as mine, but seems like you got down to business right away in recognizing it for what it was and dealing with it. No wallowing in self pity, no eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's right out of the container? I had to pass through that phase first! Good for you with the IC and the MC. It sounds like you alighted on some great people. I spend a couple of months doing IC. I went through two and didn't find either terribly helplful, but they did help push me along just enough.

 

 

You seem to have a very good handle on your sitch and are determined in your recovery. I didn't understand why you were asking for affair exit advice (you should be giving it!), but I read your OP again and it seems what you're really asking is how do you stop thinking of him and how did you give him so much head space to begin with. I trust you are addressing that with your IC. Those were tough ones for me too. I do have some limited advice but must run. Will write a short addendum later. It's hard for me but I really can write short replies sometimes!

Edited August 16, 2014 by Pinklotus

[sunburned]

Oh, there has been plenty of wallowing in self-pity, believe me. There were days I cried on the way to work, there were days I cried on the way home from work, and there were plenty of days when I cried the second I walked into my therapist's office! I did plenty of moping around the house, too, and just going off by myself to mull things over. The guilt would make me cry, the pain of wanting someone I couldn't have would make me cry, the thought of ending my marriage would make me cry. I was a mess at times.

 

Truthfully, there has been much more pain than gain in this relationship. The stress of him being so hot/cold. What it has done to my marriage. The guilt. The depression. He has kept me hanging on, dangling the carrot of "getting together" "drinks" "coffee" etc. Flirting and telling me how pretty I am, but we haven't seen each other since he left our place of employment. He expects me to chase him, initiate things, and get the ball rolling, but I'm done. I think he has been passive because it's a huge ego boost. And at first I think he was passive because he was my boss. But once he left, he started sounding like things would progress. But they never did. Possibly it also relieves the guilt by having me push things. My therapist thinks he just gets a huge boost from having attractive women pursue him. She thinks--based on what what she knows--that he is very narcissistic. Not an evil one. Just very egotistical and self-centered. There was trauma in his childhood. No doubt the trouble started there.

 

Also--truth be told--I think he is petrified deep down about getting caught, as he should be. He already experienced a dday with his former wife! I know, why I had to fall for this guy is a mystery. Like I said, you'd have to meet him. Part of it is that he is very attractive and he has that ability to attract women without trying very hard. Part of it is that he seemed the opposite of my husband--had many of the qualities that he doesn't--but as I noted in another post, he really isn't that different in so many ways after all. He just presents himself differently. An important distinction to have discovered. He IS lacking in some of the good qualities that my husband has, though, such as loyalty, honesty, and sensitivity.

 

My therapist also asked me if I would date him if we were both single, and truthfully, the answer is yes. I don't think I would have been so nutty and crazy for him, though. I think the affair situation made me feel more intensely. He would be a very fun guy to date. He's funny, sexy, and charming, and he is into all sorts of activities. But as for marriage, well, I'm not so sure he has what it takes.

 

I actually didn't enter into things with him even thinking about marriage though--I was just blindly attracted and then in the affair fog, and just wanted him and his attention. It wasn't until I was in over my head that I realized that my actions might end up having me switch one man for another, not to mention ending up divorced and living the single mom life without either one of them. The thought of breaking up my family and hurting my husband was/is becoming unbearable.

 

He emailed me twice today by the way--a very friendly, long email and a brief one with a song recommendation. He has sent me many songs, most of them love songs!!! But no mention of getting together, thankfully, because I wouldn't be able to do it now anyway. I haven't answered him and I don't plan to....the thing that is tough is that he was a great boss, though, and he still gives me great advice when we talk shop. He was probably the best boss I have ever had, and plenty of my colleagues think so, too. I mean I wish we could stay friends. He's funny, he's smart, we think alike. However, I realize that even though there's been no PA, the mutual attraction is there and it presents a clear and present danger.

 

I am still thinking about whether or not to send a nc letter. I'm thinking the way it's going I can just fade him out with no hurt feelings, though.

 

I'm only recently determined because I finally realize I cannot let my husband go; there is too much there, so much history. We have children and I love him, and I also realize that this OM is just sending me a line of bs and is completely untrustworthy. I mean I knew that all along. He really is a scoundrel, a loveable scoundrel but one nonetheless!

 

I have to run, too, but will try to write more later. Good for you for sending him packing. It does sound like you made the final call. Like you, I am finding some relief in running, working out, and being "supermom" again, but I know I have a ways to go to get to where you are.

 

 

It sounds like you don't need some grand NC letter in your sitch.

A simple fadeaway is probably sufficient. There was no dday and you didn't have a PA. I am curious about one thing -- what event(s) do you think turned it from friendship to an EA. Asking b/c curious about my own timeline. I don't know where the line is b/w one and the other, though I sort of began the EA clock (retroactively) in my own mind when the texts got more personal though not necessarily sexual.

 

I boldfaced the other areas where I could especially relate to your sitch. My xAP was funny, gregarious and very attractive for his age. I didn't learn until a few months ago (long after A over) that he had cheated with wife #3 on wife#2. Though I still don't know that for certain, I heard it from a fairly reliable source who knows nothing of our A. Oddly, that ramped up the "ick" factor for me and made me even happier it was over. As if being his first A would have been perfectly acceptable

 

 

I just wanted to address the obsessive thoughts issue from earlier. This was a huge problem for me in the beginning. What helped the most was the passage of time. Others have recommended 1. when u have thoughts of him to picture a big stop sign, 2. Reframe your thoughts, i.e. when you think "Oh I really miss talking to MM, he was my best friend," reframe that as "MM was a bad influence. He negatively impacted my marriage, he was dishonest, he cheated on his W." and 3. Say something like "hello, MM thought. Sorry, I'm not hosting you right now. You can come back at 7 p.m." and have a set time each day for thinking about him, decreasing the length of time every week until you don't need a time slot for those thoughts anymore. Other posters have sworn by these techniques. I can't say they helped me a lot. But time works when all else fails.

[Pinklotus]

It sounds like you don't need some grand NC letter in your sitch.

A simple fadeaway is probably sufficient. There was no dday and you didn't have a PA. I am curious about one thing -- what event(s) do you think turned it from friendship to an EA. Asking b/c curious about my own timeline. I don't know where the line is b/w one and the other, though I sort of began the EA clock (retroactively) in my own mind when the texts got more personal though not necessarily sexual.

 

I boldfaced the other areas where I could especially relate to your sitch. My xAP was funny, gregarious and very attractive for his age. I didn't learn until a few months ago (long after A over) that he had cheated with wife #3 on wife#2. Though I still don't know that for certain, I heard it from a fairly reliable source who knows nothing of our A. Oddly, that ramped up the "ick" factor for me and made me even happier it was over. As if being his first A would have been perfectly acceptable

 

 

I just wanted to address the obsessive thoughts issue from earlier. This was a huge problem for me in the beginning. What helped the most was the passage of time. Others have recommended 1. when u have thoughts of him to picture a big stop sign, 2. Reframe your thoughts, i.e. when you think "Oh I really miss talking to MM, he was my best friend," reframe that as "MM was a bad influence. He negatively impacted my marriage, he was dishonest, he cheated on his W." and 3. Say something like "hello, MM thought. Sorry, I'm not hosting you right now. You can come back at 7 p.m." and have a set time each day for thinking about him, decreasing the length of time every week until you don't need a time slot for those thoughts anymore. Other posters have sworn by these techniques. I can't say they helped me a lot. But time works when all else fails.

 

Hi Sunburned,

 

I think it became an EA quite quickly, because it was only a matter of a couple of weeks before we were emailing each other at work much, much more than any two people should, esp. boss and employee. But the definite turning point into affair vs. flirtation was when we exchanged personal email accounts and used them to email each other many times a day. And started immediately sharing a lot of personal information about ourselves.

 

I thank god that we aren't working together anymore, even though I lament that fact that his replacement is nowhere near as good as he was, and my colleagues agree. But, working with him was uncomfortable at times, for obviously reasons!

 

I emailed him tonight-3 days after he emailed me. Totally friendly and nothing personal or inappropriate. His emails are nice and kind and friendly, I don't get it, I really don't. They are so nice that it's making it hard for me to go NC or to send a NC letter. Because I feel like I am being rude or being dramatic. Which I know is crazy. I am hoping he takes a while to respond and I can take even longer and just fade this out. I would even be fine if he dropped the ball and didn't write me back. Then I wouldn't have to deal with it. I know, how pathetic is that?

 

I am a little afraid of offending him, since he was my boss and everything, but that's prob. just me being paranoid, since he has a rep as a cheater and everybody knows he has fooled around in the past. So I need to just do what's right. Truthfully, I am happier when we are NC. Even a few days of NC makes me feel better. I do think of him but not like I used to. I am much more focused on my husband and family. I don't want to be doing this secret thing anymore, even if it is only "friendly".

 

Thanks for the advice about NC. I feel I can probably do NC if I could just get to NC! maybe that is naive of me, since I've never tried it for very long, though.

 

BTW, how did you explain your depression, moods etc. to your husband? That is what made my husband suspicious initially and is what led us to MC. And yes, our MC is great- we got lucky. She really knows how to get to the root of things, is very empathetic and caring to both parties. She finds things that I didn't know were there. Like last time, I went in thinking, well, we're doing pretty well this week, what on earth will we talk about? She had us deep in conversation, problem resolution, and thought within 5 minutes. She's very gifted.

 

I hope you're doing well and thank you again!!!! Sooo much.

[MayP]

Pinklotus, I see the similarly between you and me. On emails, no PA.

 

It is pathetic, me. I feel lousy, very lousy. Because I crave his attention. He hasn't wrote back for a week. It was he sent an email, I replied and then silence. I have this urge to reach out, but this voice that tells me not to.

[Pinklotus]

Pinklotus, I see the similarly between you and me. On emails, no PA.

 

It is pathetic, me. I feel lousy, very lousy. Because I crave his attention. He hasn't wrote back for a week. It was he sent an email, I replied and then silence. I have this urge to reach out, but this voice that tells me not to.

 

If he is being that distant, I wouldn't think twice about going MIA forever on his ass! Your silence sends a message. Do not contact him!

 

He doesn't deserve your friendship. Did you read Sunburned ideas about how to deal with NC?

[MayP]

If he is being that distant, I wouldn't think twice about going MIA forever on his ass! Your silence sends a message. Do not contact him!

 

He doesn't deserve your friendship. Did you read Sunburned ideas about how to deal with NC?

 

I always wrote it like a diary and keep myself from sending. Today is one of those down days... My heart feels like dying. We recently had spoke about this relationship. Neither of us wants to let go. It hurts that he is not doing what he says. It hurts really bad now.

[Pinklotus]

I always wrote it like a diary and keep myself from sending. Today is one of those down days... My heart feels like dying. We recently had spoke about this relationship. Neither of us wants to let go. It hurts that he is not doing what he says. It hurts really bad now.

 

I'm so sorry. I hope you can stay strong. Take care of yourself. I mean, really be good to yourself.

 

I keep trying to picture my EA as a leaf that I set free floating on down the river...just let it go....let the river take it away. I don't know why, but the image helps me. I just want it out of my life.

 

Hugs!

[MayP]

I'm so sorry. I hope you can stay strong. Take care of yourself. I mean, really be good to yourself.

 

I keep trying to picture my EA as a leaf that I set free floating on down the river...just let it go....let the river take it away. I don't know why, but the image helps me. I just want it out of my life.

 

Hugs!

 

Eventually I have to let it go. That's a good picture. It is so tough, to love someone and know that it is not possible. In all my badness, my eyes don't listen, they just want to sob.

[Pinklotus]

Someone--I wish I could remember who--recently posted something to that effect. That you can start NC at anytime, it doesn't matter if your AP is expecting it or the opposite--a lovey dovey call or email.

 

I am trying to initiate NC. I mean, I want to, I want this to end, I have seen what this EA has done to me and my marriage and I need to move on. I would prefer not to have any contact at all. I am much happier when not in contact with him.

 

In speaking with my IC, I have come to realize this even more. She has helped me to analyze some dreams that clearly symbolize the pain and disillusionment I now feel with him and the whole affair.

 

Why I cannot bring myself to just write it, I don't know. I was doing great until I wrote him back the other night when he contacted me after a week of NC.

 

Part of the problem is that he was my boss and I really admired him professionally. In fact my email was just about professional topics. Nothing flirty. It's almost like I'm pretending to have an EA with him, when I really want out, so that I don't have to end it or offend him, in the words of my counselor.

 

I also feel a little foolish sending a NC letter right after sending a perfectly friendly email the other night.

 

I would say I should just not respond to anything from him ever again, but we all know how that can go.

 

Thoughts? I am really trying to gear up the courage to do the right thing and just sever all ties.

[Meretchen]

Letting go can cause anxiety, it does not even have to be a lover. It could be any relationship that has had you invested seriously for a period of time. Maybe if you could accept that you have to deal with the pain of separation, you could also come to terms with severing the ties to your AP? Pain is inevitable, but you seem ready to cut him off now. Be strong.

[Poppy47]

Hello Pinklotus.

This is how mine went... Dear.... Please do not ever contact me again. I will not be seeing you or communicating with you again in the future.

I am putting my life back in order and working on my ....... ( in my case) it was my sanity and my self esteem.

 

........... Name

It needs to be swift and to the point. He will get the message as long as you stick to what you said.

After that do no engage in any communication with him ever again.

 

NOW IS THE MOMENT. do NOT tell yourself you are trying..... just do it. Trying is a negative way to be thinking.

 

It all sounds very harsh but the sooner the better and then block all means of contact with him if you need to. If he is any kind of man, he will just walk away and leave you alone.

 

Warm Wishes,

Poppy.

[compulsivedancer]

Also ask him not to contact you. If he respects that, you will be less likely to break NC.

[herself]

Someone--I wish I could remember who--recently posted something to that effect. That you can start NC at anytime, it doesn't matter if your AP is expecting it or the opposite--a lovey dovey call or email.

 

I am trying to initiate NC. I mean, I want to, I want this to end, I have seen what this EA has done to me and my marriage and I need to move on. I would prefer not to have any contact at all. I am much happier when not in contact with him.

 

In speaking with my IC, I have come to realize this even more. She has helped me to analyze some dreams that clearly symbolize the pain and disillusionment I now feel with him and the whole affair.

 

Why I cannot bring myself to just write it, I don't know. I was doing great until I wrote him back the other night when he contacted me after a week of NC.

 

Part of the problem is that he was my boss and I really admired him professionally. In fact my email was just about professional topics. Nothing flirty. It's almost like I'm pretending to have an EA with him, when I really want out, so that I don't have to end it or offend him, in the words of my counselor.

 

I also feel a little foolish sending a NC letter right after sending a perfectly friendly email the other night.

 

I would say I should just not respond to anything from him ever again, but we all know how that can go.

 

Thoughts? I am really trying to gear up the courage to do the right thing and just sever all ties.

 

I was wondering how it affects your marriage if you dont mind elaborating?

[Pinklotus]

I was wondering how it affects your marriage if you dont mind elaborating?

 

It made me check out of my marriage and become emotionally detached from my husband. It made me feel guilty which affected my moods and led to things like paranoid behavior and projection. I became depressed and confused. I compared my ap to my husband--very unfair.

 

The only positives are what I learned. That you can't let problems fester for years because you don't want to bring them up and hurt the other person or cause conflict. You can't turn to another person to solve your marital issues and escape from them. You can't let down your guard when you're attracted to someone else. You need to set boundaries.

 

All things I thought I knew but really I was kidding myself when it came right down to it!

[MayP]

It made me check out of my marriage and become emotionally detached from my husband. It made me feel guilty which affected my moods and led to things like paranoid behavior and projection. I became depressed and confused. I compared my ap to my husband--very unfair.

 

The only positives are what I learned. That you can't let problems fester for years because you don't want to bring them up and hurt the other person or cause conflict. You can't turn to another person to solve your marital issues and escape from them. You can't let down your guard when you're attracted to someone else. You need to set boundaries.

 

All things I thought I knew but really I was kidding myself when it came right down to it!

 

Your words resounds in my mind. go MIA on his ass!!! he doesn't deserve my friendship.

Next week is his birthday. Should I even drop a mail? I will struggle, really.

Never once in my life I thought I will land myself in such a situation/ feeling. when it hits, I can't handle it.

 

how many years have you been married? any kids?

[herself]

It made me check out of my marriage and become emotionally detached from my husband. It made me feel guilty which affected my moods and led to things like paranoid behavior and projection. I became depressed and confused. I compared my ap to my husband--very unfair.

 

The only positives are what I learned. That you can't let problems fester for years because you don't want to bring them up and hurt the other person or cause conflict. You can't turn to another person to solve your marital issues and escape from them. You can't let down your guard when you're attracted to someone else. You need to set boundaries.

 

All things I thought I knew but really I was kidding myself when it came right down to it!

 

I experienced some of the same negatives in my marriage but also lived alot in denial and felt like in many ways it made my marriage better because I was happier and full of life and smiles etc. Crazy huh?

I hope you are doing ok. Eaps are or can be even more difficult to leave and more addicting and harmful. Mine is/was 13 years.

So emotionally attached to that communication and bond its every thing we can do to let go even though letting go is healthiest.

[Pinklotus]

Your words resounds in my mind. go MIA on his ass!!! he doesn't deserve my friendship.

Next week is his birthday. Should I even drop a mail? I will struggle, really.

Never once in my life I thought I will land myself in such a situation/ feeling. when it hits, I can't handle it.

 

how many years have you been married? any kids?

 

Hi May,

 

I have been married almost 20 years. Two children.

 

I think my MM probably is in extreme denial. I don't think he feels the same guilt or he absolves himself of of it because we haven't slept together. He has had affairs before. Physical ones and who knows how many EAs. I don't know. I am not sure he thinks this is an affair, but he sure keeps it secret. Like I said, denial and dual thinking.

 

It is very hard, because like I said, I liked him as a boss. I like him as a person. I like talking to him. I wish we could be just friends. I think he thinks we are "just friends".

 

Are you still in contact? I can't recall, sorry.

[Pinklotus]

I experienced some of the same negatives in my marriage but also lived alot in denial and felt like in many ways it made my marriage better because I was happier and full of life and smiles etc. Crazy huh?

I hope you are doing ok. Eaps are or can be even more difficult to leave and more addicting and harmful. Mine is/was 13 years.

So emotionally attached to that communication and bond its every thing we can do to let go even though letting go is healthiest.

 

Hi, I have read some of your threads. Is yours completely over now? It sounds like it is still going on?

 

I was happier at times, and very up and excited, but that was when things were accelerating and I was truly in the fog. Now things have slowed down and we no longer work together. I haven't seen him in several mos, and he has been contacting me less, although the emails are long and friendly and he I seem to fill some kind of void for him. He always sounds so friendly and happy. I doubt he is feeling the angst that I am.

 

I vaccilate between being happy and sad about that. His hot/cold behavior initially made me quite depressed, then I got angry, and I started working on my marriage, went to MC with my husband, and realized what a mess I was making of my life. Lately though, there have been some triggers in my life and it makes me want him again and his emails have more of an effect on me.

 

I think that deep down, I am not ending it because there is a part of me that doesn't want to say goodbye forever to him and the fantasy. My logical mind tells me that I cannot stay in contact, however innocent/friendly things seem now. Because the effect on me is bad, and it is all still a secret. If we were real friends, it wouldn't be a secret.

[Cali408]

You have to stay on top of it, because thoughts of the EA can drag you down and cause you to miss the other person.

 

What's tough is in an EA whether physical or not, they are exciting, you can speak to them for hours, want to know everything about them. They are the object of fascination and make you feel oh so good. And they think you're the greatest. You've never met anyone ike this!

 

Your spouse knows everything about you, small talk is difficult, you find yourself getting easily annoyed because whatever needed to be said has been said. They become boring and you aren't achieving the high in your hormones when you interact with the OP.

 

I personally think in getting a marriage back the physical piece is significantly easier than the mental/emotional. That part is so hard

[herself]

Hi, I have read some of your threads. Is yours completely over now? It sounds like it is still going on?

 

I was happier at times, and very up and excited, but that was when things were accelerating and I was truly in the fog. Now things have slowed down and we no longer work together. I haven't seen him in several mos, and he has been contacting me less, although the emails are long and friendly and he I seem to fill some kind of void for him. He always sounds so friendly and happy. I doubt he is feeling the angst that I am.

 

I vaccilate between being happy and sad about that. His hot/cold behavior initially made me quite depressed, then I got angry, and I started working on my marriage, went to MC with my husband, and realized what a mess I was making of my life. Lately though, there have been some triggers in my life and it makes me want him again and his emails have more of an effect on me.

 

I think that deep down, I am not ending it because there is a part of me that doesn't want to say goodbye forever to him and the fantasy. My logical mind tells me that I cannot stay in contact, however innocent/friendly things seem now. Because the effect on me is bad, and it is all still a secret. If we were real friends, it wouldn't be a secret.

 

We went NC for months then picked up again as extremely platonic. Gradually over the past few months he began the phonecalls to and drom work and adding good night emails filled with I miss you, I love you. It was every girls dream a friend with declarations of love and how pretty I am how happy I make him, how much he thinks of me.

I must have low self esteem as I absorbed it all like a sponge.

I was a double agent though, going on dates with hubby and having a sucessful happy marriage...the ultimate cake eating...literally loving and being loved by two men in 2 seperate ways. The friendship in my mind came first and the no sex justfied everything for me...

It finally ended peacefully and nicely with us stating....hey, were both married the consequences of getting caught plus the guilt was too much.

He begged to stay friends...i went NC.

I am better this time around...I went into knowing full well the consequences and the pain I could go through. I did do ic the first time...did not help.

I think I will always love him but I cant selfishly carry on...I believe it COULD be a full life without him. Im still romanticizing...the fog is still lifting.

I hope you get better each day. I am. Im dare I say relieved its over.

[MayP]

Hi May,

 

I have been married almost 20 years. Two children.

 

I think my MM probably is in extreme denial. I don't think he feels the same guilt or he absolves himself of of it because we haven't slept together. He has had affairs before. Physical ones and who knows how many EAs. I don't know. I am not sure he thinks this is an affair, but he sure keeps it secret. Like I said, denial and dual thinking.

 

It is very hard, because like I said, I liked him as a boss. I like him as a person. I like talking to him. I wish we could be just friends. I think he thinks we are "just friends".

 

Are you still in contact? I can't recall, sorry.

 

Myself married for 10 years. Two children.

 

We are in contact. Low contact- I can feel it is dying, it will fizz out soon. he told me he feels the difficulty of continuing this and it is painful. although I would say it is more painful for me than him. we are a secret, secret email account. I like him as a friend, I love talking to him, he lifts my spirits with his positive outlook. A drug, isn't it? partly due to his lack of attention, I want to say 'I don't give a sh*t anymore' and let go. The more I visualize the photo of him and wife, the uglier I think he is. Then comes next week, I want to wish him happy birthday...

[Pinklotus]

I finally ended it. I wrote an email today explaining that I was working on my marriage and I could not continue the secret emailing anymore. I said that I was getting my life together and making healthy choices. I told him that everything I do needs to be respectful of my husband, honest, transparent, and supportive of my marriage. I asked him to use my work email or home email (which he knows my husband has access to) to send my letter of reference.

 

The reason I said home email as well is because i almost felt like saying just use the work one was a way of keeping further contact clandestine. I am quite confident he will not contact me other than to send the reference.

 

I thanked him for all of the support at work and wished him well.

 

I feel much better. He had emailed me last week, and I haven't responded til now. I was mulling all this over and what to say. I also wanted to send it closer to my therapy appt. in case I fell apart. I did feel a bit choked up as I ended the letter, but I took a deep breath and hit send, and I immediately felt relieved.

 

As I said, I don't think I'll hear from him, but on the other hand he wasn't expecting this, of that I am quite sure. Either way I will not contact him for any reason, other than a simple thank you once I get that darned letter. I am happy to be moving on and focusing on my husband.

 

Thank you to all for your support!!!!!!

[Pinklotus]

May--

 

The less I had contact, the better I felt. I waited several days after hearing from him to end it, and I felt so much better afterwards. It definitely is best to be the one who ends it. End it now, May. His positive outlook isn't making you happy, he's bringing you down.

[Pinklotus]

We went NC for months then picked up again as extremely platonic. Gradually over the past few months he began the phonecalls to and drom work and adding good night emails filled with I miss you, I love you. It was every girls dream a friend with declarations of love and how pretty I am how happy I make him, how much he thinks of me.

I must have low self esteem as I absorbed it all like a sponge.

I was a double agent though, going on dates with hubby and having a sucessful happy marriage...the ultimate cake eating...literally loving and being loved by two men in 2 seperate ways. The friendship in my mind came first and the no sex justfied everything for me...

It finally ended peacefully and nicely with us stating....hey, were both married the consequences of getting caught plus the guilt was too much.

He begged to stay friends...i went NC.

I am better this time around...I went into knowing full well the consequences and the pain I could go through. I did do ic the first time...did not help.

I think I will always love him but I cant selfishly carry on...I believe it COULD be a full life without him. Im still romanticizing...the fog is still lifting.

I hope you get better each day. I am. Im dare I say relieved its over.

 

Relief is what I feel, too. I hope that you continue to feel better. My contact door is still slightly ajar as I am waiting for a reference letter from him, but I feel that my letter sent the message loud and clear that my marriage is my priority, I will do nothing that my husband wouldn't approve of, and that this secret relationship is over. Here's to moving on for both you and me!