I ended it

[Pinklotus]

Sorry, but that is an excuse. He doesn't work there anymore. He can provide a reference like any other former employers, but most work references are legally only required to answer:

 

Dates of employment

Position title

Eligible for rehire

 

Anything else could be considered a breach of employment laws. And depending on how long ago you worked for him, his reference may not be needed. And since you do not state that you are currently looking, there really is no need for a reference letter from him.

 

It can be construed as an excuse, and yes, I can go without it, but professionally it's not wise. In my line of work, you need a written letter from each supervisor. If I chose to look for a new job, I would need his. Hopefully he'd give it to me no matter what.

 

I haven't contacted him tonight. He emailed me last night. I'm trying to be strong.

[Pinklotus]

I haven't contacted OMM since Friday when he contacted me. He emailed me last night and I haven't responded. I want to and yet I don't. I want to put this behind me and focus on my marriage. My husband isn't even home tonight, so it would be easy to contact him, but I feel guilty and sad about it. Guilty because of having an EA, sad for what I've done, sad that I have these feelings for OM. Sad that my marriage came to this point, even though it is actually getting better now that we're in counseling.

 

I don't even know what I would say to him. He just keeps emailing these long, newsy, friendly emails. I feel that I don't even have the guts to write a NC email. I just wish it would all go away. FIW this is an EA. I haven't actually seen him in almost 2 months now. I don't even know why he bothers to contact me. He never follows through on plans to see me.

[MuddyFootprints]

Despite our assigned titles, labels, and scarlet letters, a lot of us are on the 'other side' or well on our way there. You have indicated that the 'other side' is where you want to be. We are all just trying to help you begin that journey.

[Pinklotus]

In trying to distance myself from OM I find myself sometimes demonizing him. Thinking of all the negatives about him, the times I felt hurt, the ridiculous situation that I'm in, all of his negative traits.

 

Then I try to think of all the positives about my husband.

 

I read somewhere that we look for APs who are the opposites of our spouses and who embody traits in ourselves that we have either repressed or simply don't possess and wish we did. This certainly seems true in my case. The OM has traits that my husband doesn't, and I'm trying to tell myself that that's okay, and that he is a better man without those traits. Because I know that he is.

 

I am struggling not to contact him tonight,that's why so many posts.

[MuddyFootprints]

Don't just think about it. Get a notepad and start writing.

[Pinklotus]

Sorry, but that is an excuse. He doesn't work there anymore. He can provide a reference like any other former employers, but most work references are legally only required to answer:

 

Dates of employment

Position title

Eligible for rehire

 

Anything else could be considered a breach of employment laws. And depending on how long ago you worked for him, his reference may not be needed. And since you do not state that you are currently looking, there really is no need for a reference letter from him.

 

Despite our assigned titles, labels, and scarlet letters, a lot of us are on the 'other side' or well on our way there. You have indicated that the 'other side' is where you want to be. We are all just trying to help you begin that journey.

 

Thank you, yes, that is true. Although by other side I meant the betrayed spouses. Yes, I do wish I was on the other side that you're talking about. I'm trying to get there. Practically speaking, pursuing this EA any further makes no sense. It is not practical in any sense of the word. He is the most charming, successful, handsome man, he is talented and possesses enormous sex appeal. But he has fatal flaws, and he is probably a narcissist to some degree. He would no doubt hurt me, and I have a good husband who is a wonderful provider and is a stable family man. I wish there was a magical solution. I wish I could just magically have my old life back. I know....childish.

[Pinklotus]

Pinklotus I do not think the advice to leave it, is as easy, easily said, but not easily done. We do not choose who we are attracted to. I can be in the presence and speak with 40 gorgeous men in one day, but does not mean I will be attracted to any of them. These affairs come from attraction, a pull that happens out of the ordinary. You cannot find or share interest and passion with everyone. I totally get you, your position, and the difficulty fighting off this interest, this attraction.

 

Thank you. One doesn't really know until one has walked in these shoes, I think.

[MuddyFootprints]

There ain't no easy way to do this. It's a gut wrenching, mind bending, soul excavating mission. There are no shortcuts.

[sunburned]

Hi Pinklotus,

 

I don't post much anymore, but your story is similar to my own except we did not work together. We live in the same small bedroom community of a big city and some of our kids were friends. Your description of your H and your MOM sound very similar to my own H and xMOM. Even your "basically good" marriage with some "issues" sounds familiar. I am also in my mid-40s. My xOM also had multiple marriage and children and may be a narcissist (i'm still unclear). I later learned (not from him) he cheated on wife 2 with the woman who is now wife 3. At least your OM was upfront about that.

 

My affair was mostly emotional but we had a few what i call "high school style" make out sessions so I applaud you for not crossing another line just because you crossed the first. At least you had a boundary, which should make it a little easier to create a new one now.

 

I'm going to add to the growing crescendo of what you don't want to hear. NC is crucial for getting over it. My xAP and i texted and emailed throughout the day and spoke once or twice as well. We saw each other publicly often due to joint activities, privately once every couple of weeks. For a while I felt like I might be in love. When he said ILY to me, he pressured me to say it back. I did. He constantly told me how much he loved me, adored me, wished we could be together, etc. It was a high. It also made me feel like I had the upper hand. It was clear he liked me more than I liked him (back to high school again).

 

One day he called me and said his W had seen my last email to him. Thankfully, it was innocuous, newsy (as you might say) with info about an upcoming event. He said it scared him because she got upset and he almost sounded angry I wrote it while in fact we had been writing much more intimately. He said we just couldn't text and email much anymore b/c he feared getting caught. He said we would just have to see each other on the fly. I said I wasn't going to be a booty call at 43 (he was in his 60s!). So I ended it.

 

He was so upset, that it led to limited contact (LC), which dragged on for several weeks with him chastising me for breaking his heart (please ...). But I missed him terribly! Missed our talks, our emails, we had so many common interests and hobbies so i was a willing party to LC. In one heart wrenching convo, he drew me back in. He said we couldn't just be friends, which I so desperately wanted. In tears, I agreed to resume the A. Almost overnight, he started blabbing again about how busy he was, his W was suspicious, etc. so he wouldn't be able to see me much. WTF, I thought. I told him I'd calll him when I was back in town in two days. I never did and he didn't either. It's been about a year of NC. It was not easy. I sat on my thumbs, came here, ran, biked, worked, became supermom again. And it got better. Very gradually.

 

My point was if I had just stood my ground when I ended it six weeks earlier, I would have kept my "power" and started the healing process. Instead, he spent six weeks (maybe more? it's a blur now) trying to win back his power and I gave it to him. I felt weak and small for weeks, maybe a couple of months. It took 8-9 months to really feel over a fairly short A. I rarely think of him now and when I do it isn't with longing. It's with disgust ... with him, with myself. Like you, I know my H is a much better man and I dodged a bullet.

 

He likes knowing you're interested. Don't play into that ego feed. He's dribbling out his news of the week emails just to keep you on the hook. He's changing the rules of the game, the parameters of the relationship and seeing how little you'll accept. When he has more time/freedom/whatever, he wants to know he can call for more. Don't give him the satisfaction. Walk away with your dignity and your head held high. Write a no contact letter or just go quiet. Silence is a response and a very clear one.

 

It is extremely hard to do, but you will feel better immediately just for doing the right thing by your family. If you aren't going to confess (I didn't either), show your husband some respect by cutting all contact with your OM immediately. I won't say the counseling is wasted otherwise, but some of its efficacy will definitely be lost.

 

Remember that attraction, that pull you feel is just cupid's arrow. We all get hit with it throughout our lives. It is simple sexual attraction. Very normal. It doesn't mean it's meant to be, it doesn't make you soulmates. You or perhaps another posted said "you can't help who you are attracted to." True, but you can control what you do about it.

[Zeurich]

I have no clue what is your abbreviations for but be happy that your husband did not lock you out of the house or call you a whore. you have no other way out with out putting all the truth out. Hope you will able to settle this soon Good luck.

[fellini]

No one needs a reference letter bad enough, but go for it. Go NC completely. If you are thinking he will get revenge because he is a narcissist, then he isn't really a narcissist. He will move on, and so should you.

 

Tell or not tell your H is up to you. If this were the story of my WS, I would rather she not tell me, do what you are doing, move forward and build a better and stronger marriage. My opinion. If your AP is not going to tell him, move on.

[Pinklotus]

There ain't no easy way to do this. It's a gut wrenching, mind bending, soul excavating mission. There are no shortcuts.

 

So true. Thinking about it is one thing, doing is another.

[Pinklotus]

No one needs a reference letter bad enough, but go for it. Go NC completely. If you are thinking he will get revenge because he is a narcissist, then he isn't really a narcissist. He will move on, and so should you.

 

Tell or not tell your H is up to you. If this were the story of my WS, I would rather she not tell me, do what you are doing, move forward and build a better and stronger marriage. My opinion. If your AP is not going to tell him, move on.

 

Thank you for your input. It helps.

[Pinklotus]

Sunburned, I'm going to PM you.

 

Your post so like a ray of sunshine, appropriately enough, given your name.

 

Our situations are so similar, it's uncanny. Your post helps because if the similarities and advice given from honest experience in a kind and non-judgemental way. It is one of the most helpful things I've read or heard since this whole thing began. Thank you.

 

How do you avoid your exMM now? I am lucky that we don't work together anymore, but there is still a chance to run into each other and we also have some common friends and acquaintances.

 

NC is hard, so hard. I have gotten to the point of not responding to him immediately, waiting several days but I always cave eventually. I am tempted to just go NC without explanation. I know I don't owe him one but it seems rude, in a ridiculous kind of way.

 

I am glad that you got through your dilemma and came out stronger and happier on the other side.

 

 

 

 

Hi Pinklotus,

 

I don't post much anymore, but your story is similar to my own except we did not work together. We live in the same small bedroom community of a big city and some of our kids were friends. Your description of your H and your MOM sound very similar to my own H and xMOM. Even your "basically good" marriage with some "issues" sounds familiar. I am also in my mid-40s. My xOM also had multiple marriage and children and may be a narcissist (i'm still unclear). I later learned (not from him) he cheated on wife 2 with the woman who is now wife 3. At least your OM was upfront about that.

 

My affair was mostly emotional but we had a few what i call "high school style" make out sessions so I applaud you for not crossing another line just because you crossed the first. At least you had a boundary, which should make it a little easier to create a new one now.

 

I'm going to add to the growing crescendo of what you don't want to hear. NC is crucial for getting over it. My xAP and i texted and emailed throughout the day and spoke once or twice as well. We saw each other publicly often due to joint activities, privately once every couple of weeks. For a while I felt like I might be in love. When he said ILY to me, he pressured me to say it back. I did. He constantly told me how much he loved me, adored me, wished we could be together, etc. It was a high. It also made me feel like I had the upper hand. It was clear he liked me more than I liked him (back to high school again).

 

One day he called me and said his W had seen my last email to him. Thankfully, it was innocuous, newsy (as you might say) with info about an upcoming event. He said it scared him because she got upset and he almost sounded angry I wrote it while in fact we had been writing much more intimately. He said we just couldn't text and email much anymore b/c he feared getting caught. He said we would just have to see each other on the fly. I said I wasn't going to be a booty call at 43 (he was in his 60s!). So I ended it.

 

He was so upset, that it led to limited contact (LC), which dragged on for several weeks with him chastising me for breaking his heart (please ...). But I missed him terribly! Missed our talks, our emails, we had so many common interests and hobbies so i was a willing party to LC. In one heart wrenching convo, he drew me back in. He said we couldn't just be friends, which I so desperately wanted. In tears, I agreed to resume the A. Almost overnight, he started blabbing again about how busy he was, his W was suspicious, etc. so he wouldn't be able to see me much. WTF, I thought. I told him I'd calll him when I was back in town in two days. I never did and he didn't either. It's been about a year of NC. It was not easy. I sat on my thumbs, came here, ran, biked, worked, became supermom again. And it got better. Very gradually.

 

My point was if I had just stood my ground when I ended it six weeks earlier, I would have kept my "power" and started the healing process. Instead, he spent six weeks (maybe more? it's a blur now) trying to win back his power and I gave it to him. I felt weak and small for weeks, maybe a couple of months. It took 8-9 months to really feel over a fairly short A. I rarely think of him now and when I do it isn't with longing. It's with disgust ... with him, with myself. Like you, I know my H is a much better man and I dodged a bullet.

 

He likes knowing you're interested. Don't play into that ego feed. He's dribbling out his news of the week emails just to keep you on the hook. He's changing the rules of the game, the parameters of the relationship and seeing how little you'll accept. When he has more time/freedom/whatever, he wants to know he can call for more. Don't give him the satisfaction. Walk away with your dignity and your head held high. Write a no contact letter or just go quiet. Silence is a response and a very clear one.

 

It is extremely hard to do, but you will feel better immediately just for doing the right thing by your family. If you aren't going to confess (I didn't either), show your husband some respect by cutting all contact with your OM immediately. I won't say the counseling is wasted otherwise, but some of its efficacy will definitely be lost.

 

Remember that attraction, that pull you feel is just cupid's arrow. We all get hit with it throughout our lives. It is simple sexual attraction. Very normal. It doesn't mean it's meant to be, it doesn't make you soulmates. You or perhaps another posted said "you can't help who you are attracted to." True, but you can control what you do about it.

[Pinklotus]

Hi again, Sunburned. I can't PM you. I guess I am too new here.

 

I wanted to say thanks again though. All of your advice is good. I've been attracted to other men before, but not like this. I could always just turn away and never enter into anything, and just forget about it. I never felt the pull to not only sleep with someone else, but to bond with them and fall for them. That's what's so strange. I never expected it at this point in my life.

 

Again, your post gives me hope and strength.

 

Hi Pinklotus,

 

I don't post much anymore, but your story is similar to my own except we did not work together. We live in the same small bedroom community of a big city and some of our kids were friends. Your description of your H and your MOM sound very similar to my own H and xMOM. Even your "basically good" marriage with some "issues" sounds familiar. I am also in my mid-40s. My xOM also had multiple marriage and children and may be a narcissist (i'm still unclear). I later learned (not from him) he cheated on wife 2 with the woman who is now wife 3. At least your OM was upfront about that.

 

My affair was mostly emotional but we had a few what i call "high school style" make out sessions so I applaud you for not crossing another line just because you crossed the first. At least you had a boundary, which should make it a little easier to create a new one now.

 

I'm going to add to the growing crescendo of what you don't want to hear. NC is crucial for getting over it. My xAP and i texted and emailed throughout the day and spoke once or twice as well. We saw each other publicly often due to joint activities, privately once every couple of weeks. For a while I felt like I might be in love. When he said ILY to me, he pressured me to say it back. I did. He constantly told me how much he loved me, adored me, wished we could be together, etc. It was a high. It also made me feel like I had the upper hand. It was clear he liked me more than I liked him (back to high school again).

 

One day he called me and said his W had seen my last email to him. Thankfully, it was innocuous, newsy (as you might say) with info about an upcoming event. He said it scared him because she got upset and he almost sounded angry I wrote it while in fact we had been writing much more intimately. He said we just couldn't text and email much anymore b/c he feared getting caught. He said we would just have to see each other on the fly. I said I wasn't going to be a booty call at 43 (he was in his 60s!). So I ended it.

 

He was so upset, that it led to limited contact (LC), which dragged on for several weeks with him chastising me for breaking his heart (please ...). But I missed him terribly! Missed our talks, our emails, we had so many common interests and hobbies so i was a willing party to LC. In one heart wrenching convo, he drew me back in. He said we couldn't just be friends, which I so desperately wanted. In tears, I agreed to resume the A. Almost overnight, he started blabbing again about how busy he was, his W was suspicious, etc. so he wouldn't be able to see me much. WTF, I thought. I told him I'd calll him when I was back in town in two days. I never did and he didn't either. It's been about a year of NC. It was not easy. I sat on my thumbs, came here, ran, biked, worked, became supermom again. And it got better. Very gradually.

 

My point was if I had just stood my ground when I ended it six weeks earlier, I would have kept my "power" and started the healing process. Instead, he spent six weeks (maybe more? it's a blur now) trying to win back his power and I gave it to him. I felt weak and small for weeks, maybe a couple of months. It took 8-9 months to really feel over a fairly short A. I rarely think of him now and when I do it isn't with longing. It's with disgust ... with him, with myself. Like you, I know my H is a much better man and I dodged a bullet.

 

He likes knowing you're interested. Don't play into that ego feed. He's dribbling out his news of the week emails just to keep you on the hook. He's changing the rules of the game, the parameters of the relationship and seeing how little you'll accept. When he has more time/freedom/whatever, he wants to know he can call for more. Don't give him the satisfaction. Walk away with your dignity and your head held high. Write a no contact letter or just go quiet. Silence is a response and a very clear one.

 

It is extremely hard to do, but you will feel better immediately just for doing the right thing by your family. If you aren't going to confess (I didn't either), show your husband some respect by cutting all contact with your OM immediately. I won't say the counseling is wasted otherwise, but some of its efficacy will definitely be lost.

 

Remember that attraction, that pull you feel is just cupid's arrow. We all get hit with it throughout our lives. It is simple sexual attraction. Very normal. It doesn't mean it's meant to be, it doesn't make you soulmates. You or perhaps another posted said "you can't help who you are attracted to." True, but you can control what you do about it.

[sunburned]

Hi again, Sunburned. I can't PM you. I guess I am too new here.

 

I wanted to say thanks again though. All of your advice is good. I've been attracted to other men before, but not like this. I could always just turn away and never enter into anything, and just forget about it. I never felt the pull to not only sleep with someone else, but to bond with them and fall for them. That's what's so strange. I never expected it at this point in my life.

 

Again, your post gives me hope and strength.

 

Hello again and thanks for the kind words. I think you have to hit 100 posts to PM, but feel free to ask me anything. If you're not too embarrassed to ask on a board full of strangers, I won't be too embarrassed to answer!

 

As another poster said, we could talk to 40 different gorgeous guys in a day and it would just be routine conversation but then there's that one. It is hard to explain. For me, it was communication fueled. We'd known each other for nearly 10 years but only became friendly in the past year when some of our kids did an activity together and coincidentally we discovered our shared love of gardening and running. The texting/emailing started as kid logistics, migrated to the aforementioned adult hobbies then escalated to more personal conversations. That's where -- in hindsight -- a more "normal" person would have hit the boundary. I didn't. I reveled in the opportunity to discuss my kids (who doesn't?), my interests (not shared by H) and of course was delighted to receive texts that just told me how awesome I was. So naturally the attraction was fanned, fueled and flamed. I never in a million years thought I'd cross that line. I wasn't that "type." How awful when you find out you are.

 

We can't change the past but we have to be extra careful going forward. Your A really isn't over until you have NC. I know what's going through your mind ... "but he was such a big part of my life, my best friend, I just want to be able to talk to him." I originally came on LS to see how I could keep a friendship with this guy. It's all I wanted. He was so funny, attentive, interested, etc. I really could have lived with just friendship. I know because I did, then it crossed a line and all I wanted was to go back. But you can't. I know that's hard to accept but these insipid emails from him are just hurting you more because you know a week ago, a month ago, or whatever ... they would have been brimming with ILYs, IMUs and now they are about the new bran flakes he's tried, his foray into jazz, his latest dentist appt.

 

You asked me how I avoid my xMM. I was so worried about that but have been lucky. Despite geographic closeness, we've only bumped into each other twice in the year since the A has ended. Even then, it was from a distance. We noticed, we ignored. Only two kids in same school, dismissed from different wings, one on a bus, one picked up by sitter.

 

Don't disappear. Keep reading. I'm not saying there are no friendship success stories, but they are few and far between. I believe "herself," after a 10+ year EA, stayed friends with her xAP. But even they had a few months of NC in between to sort of regroup and collect themselves if I recall.

 

Naturally, my advice is shaped by my own experience. But if you read here you'll see NC was the only way for most people who wanted to end their A or had their As ended for them. From the heart, I say cut the cord PinkLotus. You will feel better if it's you taking the action, vs. accepting his by default. Affairs are awful beasts, but even from the most selfish perspective, you're not getting much out of it anymore so let it go and focus on your H.

Edited August 14, 2014 by sunburned
double quoted

[Pinklotus]

Hi Sunburned,

 

Your post made me smile. Luckily, he never actually said ILU, and neither did I, but you're right, the tone has changed, the intimacy is waning, and the bran flakes reference isn't too far off.

 

I am feeling better by the day. There were some triggers at work the other day and I responded to his latest email a few days ago (not proud of this but I kept it friendly, not flirty). He hasn't written back yet and I really don't want him to. I was telling my therapist yesterday that I think of him, I miss things about him, but I would prefer not to talk to him and have this be all over. She said she can tell I have turned a corner because the infatuation is fading, reality is setting in, and I am no longer impressed with him or his antics.

 

Also had another good therapy session with my husband today. I left feeling that the problems are truly being addressed and solved and I had no desire to go home and check my email. In fact, I logged out of the account so that I cannot see if I got mail or not.

 

I am curious about you and your husband. Did he suspect? Did you ever feel you should confess? I really want to at times, at others I fear it would just create a chasm that could never be closed. And hurt my husband for nothing.

 

Thanks again for your post and advice. I know you're right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again and thanks for the kind words. I think you have to hit 100 posts to PM, but feel free to ask me anything. If you're not too embarrassed to ask on a board full of strangers, I won't be too embarrassed to answer!

 

As another poster said, we could talk to 40 different gorgeous guys in a day and it would just be routine conversation but then there's that one. It is hard to explain. For me, it was communication fueled. We'd known each other for nearly 10 years but only became friendly in the past year when some of our kids did an activity together and coincidentally we discovered our shared love of gardening and running. The texting/emailing started as kid logistics, migrated to the aforementioned adult hobbies then escalated to more personal conversations. That's where -- in hindsight -- a more "normal" person would have hit the boundary. I didn't. I reveled in the opportunity to discuss my kids (who doesn't?), my interests (not shared by H) and of course was delighted to receive texts that just told me how awesome I was. So naturally the attraction was fanned, fueled and flamed. I never in a million years thought I'd cross that line. I wasn't that "type." How awful when you find out you are.

 

We can't change the past but we have to be extra careful going forward. Your A really isn't over until you have NC. I know what's going through your mind ... "but he was such a big part of my life, my best friend, I just want to be able to talk to him." I originally came on LS to see how I could keep a friendship with this guy. It's all I wanted. He was so funny, attentive, interested, etc. I really could have lived with just friendship. I know because I did, then it crossed a line and all I wanted was to go back. But you can't. I know that's hard to accept but these insipid emails from him are just hurting you more because you know a week ago, a month ago, or whatever ... they would have been brimming with ILYs, IMUs and now they are about the new bran flakes he's tried, his foray into jazz, his latest dentist appt.

 

You asked me how I avoid my xMM. I was so worried about that but have been lucky. Despite geographic closeness, we've only bumped into each other twice in the year since the A has ended. Even then, it was from a distance. We noticed, we ignored. Only two kids in same school, dismissed from different wings, one on a bus, one picked up by sitter.

 

Don't disappear. Keep reading. I'm not saying there are no friendship success stories, but they are few and far between. I believe "herself," after a 10+ year EA, stayed friends with her xAP. But even they had a few months of NC in between to sort of regroup and collect themselves if I recall.

 

Naturally, my advice is shaped by my own experience. But if you read here you'll see NC was the only way for most people who wanted to end their A or had their As ended for them. From the heart, I say cut the cord PinkLotus. You will feel better if it's you taking the action, vs. accepting his by default. Affairs are awful beasts, but even from the most selfish perspective, you're not getting much out of it anymore so let it go and focus on your H.

[Pinklotus]

I should add... Part of me does wish he will contact me. Just so that I can be the one who goes MIA for good on him!

[sunburned]

I apologize as I conflated your A with that of another regarding the ILYs and the lame emails. I guess I need to read more carefully. It sounds like you are doing the right things and are progressing quickly. Sometimes all u need are time and distance. As for my H, he did not suspect (guilt cringe). I thought about telling him when at my lowest as a way to help me snap out of the fog but my reasons for telling would have been as selfish as my reasons for not. IMO the period that really defined my A was only 2 months (when the private meetings, kissing and heavy "oh I wish we ..." talk occurred). I never knew I had an EA until reading on LS. I now own up to 5 or 6 months. I don't really know myself when it went from friendship to EA. How long was yours?

 

It's a hotly debated subject here but I didn't tell. I think most H's care more about whether their WWs had sex with someone else. Truth be told he would probably have left and I didn't want that. I love him very much plus we have a lot of kids including one with special needs. It was a big friggin' mistake on my part. I live with the horror every day. Why should he? I do understand the prevailing argument which is that he should have knowledge so he can make his own choices. It's hard to argue against that but there's where I stand. You mentioned your H is suspicious. Why?

 

I do know the feeling about wanting contact so u can go MIA. I had several opportunities during LC to do just that but blew it ( sort of like u, ahem, did today). The chances will not be infinite. As high school as it sounds, it's just one more niggling thing I have to contend with (rejection). I ended it but following a period of LC, he gained the "upperhand." Maybe you're too mature to let that bother u like I did. But I would say make the effort to assertively end it once and for all (silence is one way). One poster here had a signature quote that said "When the past texts, don't answer. It has nothing new to say."

 

Good luck and namaste, PinkLotus!

[Pinklotus]

Oh, that's okay. It's hard to keep track of all the stories.

 

I didn't email today, it was a couple days ago and he hasn't written back yet. I had waited a couple of days to respond, though. The longer between contact, the easier it seems to get. Although it's never been more than four days, and that only happened once or twice.

 

But I do feel like I turned a corner. For one thing, I feel so much more loving toward my husband. I have to say our MC is amazing.

 

The other thing is I am not only seeing MM's flaws, I am feeling differently about him because of them. That is a big change.

 

My husband got suspicious because I checked out of the marriage for awhile. I didn't want to spend time with him. I was grouchy and avoidant. I also lost weight and worked out more, but that was in process anyway. Time spent on phone and computer, etc....the usual stuff. There was one other thing that he misinterpreted as evidence but I don't want to go into detail here.

 

It has been around 5 mos total, didn't really get going with the heavy contact til 2 mos in. It is just in the past couple of weeks it has begun to wane, and a big part of that is because I have backed off and am not giving him the attention, encouragement, or pursuing things the way I did. My therapist pointed out that I initially liked this guy because he seemed so masculine, but the reality is that he is anything but traditionally masculine in our relationship. She noted to me that it seems he has done everything in his power to get me chasing HIM and that he has done as little as possible. Ironic. There was a period where it was very reciprocal but that still depended on me stroking his ego big time and making him feel good about himself.

 

She has cautioned me that once he realizes I'm backing off for good, he may really turn on the charm and try to win me back. I'm mentally preparing for that.

 

I love my husband and I don't want to lose him. I'm prepared to let MM go for good, needless to say.

 

I thought you did get to be the one who ended it?

 

Thanks again!

 

 

 

 

I apologize as I conflated your A with that of another regarding the ILYs and the lame emails. I guess I need to read more carefully. It sounds like you are doing the right things and are progressing quickly. Sometimes all u need are time and distance. As for my H, he did not suspect (guilt cringe). I thought about telling him when at my lowest as a way to help me snap out of the fog but my reasons for telling would have been as selfish as my reasons for not. IMO the period that really defined my A was only 2 months (when the private meetings, kissing and heavy "oh I wish we ..." talk occurred). I never knew I had an EA until reading on LS. I now own up to 5 or 6 months. I don't really know myself when it went from friendship to EA. How long was yours?

 

It's a hotly debated subject here but I didn't tell. I think most H's care more about whether their WWs had sex with someone else. Truth be told he would probably have left and I didn't want that. I love him very much plus we have a lot of kids including one with special needs. It was a big friggin' mistake on my part. I live with the horror every day. Why should he? I do understand the prevailing argument which is that he should have knowledge so he can make his own choices. It's hard to argue against that but there's where I stand. You mentioned your H is suspicious. Why?

 

I do know the feeling about wanting contact so u can go MIA. I had several opportunities during LC to do just that but blew it ( sort of like u, ahem, did today). The chances will not be infinite. As high school as it sounds, it's just one more niggling thing I have to contend with (rejection). I ended it but following a period of LC, he gained the "upperhand." Maybe you're too mature to let that bother u like I did. But I would say make the effort to assertively end it once and for all (silence is one way). One poster here had a signature quote that said "When the past texts, don't answer. It has nothing new to say."

 

Good luck and namaste, PinkLotus!

[MayP]

I should add... Part of me does wish he will contact me. Just so that I can be the one who goes MIA for good on him!

 

I do know the feeling about wanting contact so u can go MIA. I had several opportunities during LC to do just that but blew it ( sort of like u, ahem, did today). The chances will not be infinite. As high school as it sounds, it's just one more niggling thing I have to contend with (rejection). I ended it but following a period of LC, he gained the "upperhand." Maybe you're too mature to let that bother u like I did. But I would say make the effort to assertively end it once and for all (silence is one way). One poster here had a signature quote that said "When the past texts, don't answer. It has nothing new to say."

 

Good luck and namaste, PinkLotus!

 

Sorry to tumble rumble in... as childish as it sounds. EXACTLY sunburned/pinklotus... that's what I felt. The need to feel an upperhand, to feel OK. I blew that once when my girl friend asked me (repeatedly) to cut. That critical point. I didn't listen. No regrets though.

[Pinklotus]

Sorry to tumble rumble in... as childish as it sounds. EXACTLY sunburned/pinklotus... that's what I felt. The need to feel an upperhand, to feel OK. I blew that once when my girl friend asked me (repeatedly) to cut. That critical point. I didn't listen. No regrets though.

 

Sounds like you moved on, and that's the main thing!

[MayP]

Sounds like you moved on, and that's the main thing!

 

I haven't move on! unfortunately! trying to.

He has the upperhand now. As similarly as your story, he hasn't replied me for a couple of days. But it is OK, I am not going to be bothered and make a fuss (self convincing here).

[Pinklotus]

I haven't move on! unfortunately! trying to.

He has the upperhand now. As similarly as your story, he hasn't replied me for a couple of days. But it is OK, I am not going to be bothered and make a fuss (self convincing here).

 

Sounds like you've moved on mentally. And that's saying something!

[MayP]

Sounds like you've moved on mentally. And that's saying something!

 

Thanks for that. Keep moving. move.