bathtub-row Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Wow Bathtub this really hit home for me... and brought me to tears, which was more of a slap of reality. Sex has always been an issue in my marriage and my husband has made it clear of that and he is tired of being hurt and rejected. I think I have reason for not wanting sex because I feel the only affection I get is when he wants sex and we haven't slept in the same been in years. He says that is not the case but I think different. So why would I want to have sex with someone when they cant even sleep in the same bed or show any other affection. I do blame myself for this marriage ending because I have apparently hurt him too much by rejecting him. Why wouldn't he want to get away from me? Disappointing part is he doesn't see the hurt he has cause me. I was going to "like" your post but, in good conscience, I can't say I like anything where I've made someone cry. I think you may be in a situation where you're just hanging onto a marriage and a man who doesn't really do it for you. Instead of blaming yourself, why not ask yourself if the marriage is really worth salvaging or not. Hanging onto something that doesn't really work for you is just a waste of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think I want to salvage this marriage for the wrong reasons. The financial and companionship reason but then it appears he doesn't want to have companionship with me. He was going to his friends house today and back tomorrow and last night he went out with a work buddy but then never came back. I am sure he headed up to his friends place or stayed with his buddy. Yet his cell is off and he didn't even thing twice about letting me know he wasn't going to be home and that it's okay that I think he is dead in the road somewhere. He isn't the man I married. The man I married wouldn't act like a child and he was considerate and loving. This is just hurtful and mean. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Have you checked to see what he was doing while in his hometown? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think I want to salvage this marriage for the wrong reasons. The financial and companionship reason but then it appears he doesn't want to have companionship with me. He was going to his friends house today and back tomorrow and last night he went out with a work buddy but then never came back. I am sure he headed up to his friends place or stayed with his buddy. Yet his cell is off and he didn't even thing twice about letting me know he wasn't going to be home and that it's okay that I think he is dead in the road somewhere. He isn't the man I married. The man I married wouldn't act like a child and he was considerate and loving. This is just hurtful and mean. I don't want threadjack Pickmeup's thread but you should absolutely not tolerate that kind of behavior. It's completely unacceptable in a marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Wow Bathtub this really hit home for me... and brought me to tears, which was more of a slap of reality. Sex has always been an issue in my marriage and my husband has made it clear of that and he is tired of being hurt and rejected. I think I have reason for not wanting sex because I feel the only affection I get is when he wants sex and we haven't slept in the same been in years. He says that is not the case but I think different. So why would I want to have sex with someone when they cant even sleep in the same bed or show any other affection. I do blame myself for this marriage ending because I have apparently hurt him too much by rejecting him. Why wouldn't he want to get away from me? Disappointing part is he doesn't see the hurt he has cause me. what exactly has `hit home` for you??? have you read all of what bathtub wrote? If not read it again both you and pick ARE in the same boat (have you reached the number of post`s yet? ) Bathtub has hit in on the nail for what BOTH of you need to do Both of you are going around in circles ouroboros look at the 1st post on this site critical reading go through it all right it down if it helps again both of you really need to stop blaming yourselves!!!!! stop it!! pleeeeease! there`s NO blame in ANY breakup just resolution aM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think I want to salvage this marriage for the wrong reasons. The financial and companionship reason but then it appears he doesn't want to have companionship with me. He was going to his friends house today and back tomorrow and last night he went out with a work buddy but then never came back. I am sure he headed up to his friends place or stayed with his buddy. Yet his cell is off and he didn't even thing twice about letting me know he wasn't going to be home and that it's okay that I think he is dead in the road somewhere. He isn't the man I married. The man I married wouldn't act like a child and he was considerate and loving. This is just hurtful and mean. K you need to post on your own thread but for what its worth the only reason you want to `salvage this marriage` should be for love not what you mentioned aM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Thanks AM.. I know this HAS to happen and yes Pickmeup and I sound like we are in the same boat paddling in circles. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Thanks AM.. I know this HAS to happen and yes Pickmeup and I sound like we are in the same boat paddling in circles. And what good does paddling in circles do? It changes nothing. Change what you want. This change only comes from YOU - when you take action to make things different than they are now. What are YOU planning to change TODAY? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 He was going to his friends house today and back tomorrow and last night he went out with a work buddy but then never came back. I am sure he headed up to his friends place or stayed with his buddy. Yet his cell is off and he didn't even thing twice about letting me know he wasn't going to be home and that it's okay that I think he is dead in the road somewhere. He isn't the man I married. The man I married wouldn't act like a child and he was considerate and loving. This is just hurtful and mean. Why would you expect, given the separation, that he'd notify you of his whereabouts ? You seem to expect him to act like a husband when clearly he has no interest in doing so. And holding on to these unrealistic expectations only sets you up for unhappiness. Time for a new mindset... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Why would you expect, given the separation, that he'd notify you of his whereabouts ? You seem to expect him to act like a husband when clearly he has no interest in doing so. And holding on to these unrealistic expectations only sets you up for unhappiness. Time for a new mindset... Mr. Lucky Yes totally time for a new mindset.. I guess the reason I expect it is because we are still living together, hopefully 19 more day only, and out of respect... I guess it is unrealistic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Yes totally time for a new mindset.. I guess the reason I expect it is because we are still living together, hopefully 19 more day only, and out of respect... I guess it is unrealistic maybe it will change once you are living apart? but to be honest I doubt it will the only thing you need to `respect` now is yourself You want a glimmer of hope? respect yourself I know you want to do the best to save it You need to save yourself 1st stop the blame work on yourself not him you forgive yourself a few things no one is perfect right? including your other half everyone has faults EVERYONE!!! compromise is the issue thou we love someone faults and all (warts and all:)) and when it breaks down it`s not all your fault stop beating yourself up life could be a LOT worse aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickmeup Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 It sounds like there may be some deeper issues going on in your marriage that I would give a lot of thought to if I were you. I don't think much of a man who's jealous of his wife's parents or family. If he's also critical and unaffectionate, again this needs to be given serious consideration. A very common trait of abusive people is that they try to isolate their spouse. Be sure this isn't what's happening in your marriage. If it is, it's time to bolt. Whether you love your H or not, if there are unhealthy dynamics going on, then love isn't relevant. Take it from someone who lost her parents within days of each other -- someday they won't be around and you'll never have the opportunity to spend time with them again (at least on this planet). Don't be someone who looks back on that with regret. I spent a lot of time with my parents and am very glad I did. I didn't know how fast things could change and that I would turn around one day and they would be gone, just like that. As far as how to be with your husband right now, it's hard to say because I don't really know the situation between the two of you. If you're in a bad relationship, you really need to re-think this whole thing. I guess all I can say is be yourself and stop focusing on the problems so much. I know, easier said than done. I mean, if you haven't already told him that you're working on the sex issue, and that you're giving a lot of thought to issues at hand, then there's not much else to do. I would stop talking about it unless he brings it up. Btw, what did your hormone tests show? Bathtub, so sorry to hear about your parents. My reasons exactly for wanting to spend time with and enjoy being with mine, my H just said I was obsessed about them dying. He always felt I didn't understand what he was talking about - okay so I fuss them but what's so wrong with that? I care but I always felt stuck in the middle. He wasn't abusive, perhaps a bit selfish at times but he is not a bad man at all. We got on really well, did loads together which is why I feel lost, we had great companionship apart from the few little niggles which we should have dealt with - oh and the one big major one but some of the little one's impacted on this!!!! Which brings me on to my hormones - all okay apart from my testosterone level which was very low. They bunged me on HRT and it takes 3 months to notice any difference back in 2 week's for more tests. I did see a program once about a woman who had low libido and took a testosterone tablet and she had a remarkable improvement and turned her sex life around! Not something they give out lightly however so got to try everything else first which takes so much time. You are right I do need to stop talking about it to him and try and get the times we do see each other to be light hearted and fun again. I really just have to work on keeping my thoughts positive ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickmeup Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Have you checked to see what he was doing while in his hometown? 2sunny no I haven't checked out what he did in his hometown. I don't feel the need, if he is/was then it will come out in the wash. Sometimes I think there are some small signs, he did start to be careful about leaving his phone around me and in this last week he has now set up his own email account (we shared the same email account for years). During the early stages of our separation I asked him to tell me himself if he started to see anybody rather than letting me find out via the grapevine. He looked astonished and said that was furthest thing from his mind. I do go through some moments of sheer doubt but try and squash the idea for now until I am proven wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickmeup Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 I don't want threadjack Pickmeup's thread but you should absolutely not tolerate that kind of behavior. It's completely unacceptable in a marriage. I don't mind you speaking on my thread, it's such a similar situation and helps me too :-) Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Pickmeup I feel the same with my H.. all these years he has never had a cell phone, weird I know, but then all of a sudden he gets one and is texting all the time, doing for "walks" to make phone calls at 9pm at night and for like an hour and half, and not is always leaving town. I fear the worst but then our marriage is over right? It shouldn't matter but it does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickmeup Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Pickmeup I feel the same with my H.. all these years he has never had a cell phone, weird I know, but then all of a sudden he gets one and is texting all the time, doing for "walks" to make phone calls at 9pm at night and for like an hour and half, and not is always leaving town. I fear the worst but then our marriage is over right? It shouldn't matter but it does. Of course it hurts and matters because we still love them and miss them. If they have chosen to find somebody else rather than try and save their marriage what can we do? It's the easy option but will it make them happy? It might in the short term but one day they may wish they had tried to save their marriage. I know so many who divorced and then wished they had tried harder. aMguilts is right we must stop beating ourselves up, time to rediscover ourselves and do what we want to do - no compromising necessary! x Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Pickmeup and AM I wish it was so easy to do. He really hurt me this time and I hope to only have 19 more days in this house with him and I just need to pack boxes and try to forget he is here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickmeup Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 19 days..that's so tough. You do deserve some respect whilst he is in the same house but if you don't get it - try and feel angry with him not sad, you deserve to be treated better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickmeup Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 (edited) My road to recovery is full of bumps!! H rang today to pick me up and take me out in a Porsche (a friend of ours has loaned him for a few weeks) - so naturally that made me happy. My mood lifted instantly after having had 4 days with no contact. Then during our drive he told me he wanted to tell me before I heard it from someone else that he had taken two young lads out in the porsche - kids of a female client of ours. A female client who happened to make a pass at him 2 years ago (although she was married). He said "i didn't take her out in it". It was all arranged after they had accidentally bumped into each other in town the day before. I think I smell a rat - I have always wondered, still not 100% convinced however I think I might have to try a little bit of detective work although I hate the idea. Now I am being a complete MUG. This morning's drive was not about wanting to reconnect with me or spend time with me but to tell me some news to ease his conscience about something he obviously wasn't comfortable with or knew I wouldn't be happy with. If he new I wouldn't be happy with it then why do it? That felt like a kick in the gut, I held back my tears just said "that does feel very strange, appreciate you telling me, it's up to you what you do now but it feels weird that I hear nothing from you for 3 days and you've been texting/arranging stuff with her over the weekend" who incidentally lives in the same small town as him now and who left her husband earlier this year. If they are getting together, they are, these things happen and I'd say they deserve each other if that's the case. I just wish he would tell me, it would actually hurt but also help me move on. I feel like my emotions are being bounced around, only last Monday he was an absolute mess and in floods of tears when I said to him we need to start splitting the finances/house etc. - that made me think he does care and gave me hope. He was bothered I seemed distant with him because he hadn't been in touch. Thankfully, the tears have finished now and I feel anger brewing. Edited September 1, 2014 by Pickmeup Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Dear Lord, this man is all over the map. Well, I think if it were me, I would assume he is having an affair with this woman and probably has been for at least a year or more. Next time he calls and wants to take you out to eat or for a spin in the car, please say you're busy and don't jump every time he beckons. I think this was actually his way of soft-peddling the issue, a way to deliver the blow gently. Next time you have a similar conversation, he'll either be completely honest with you or he'll just say they're dating. The best thing you can do at this point is give him a wide berth. If he ends up coming back to you, it will be because he has had time to think on his own, and because this new relationship didn't work out. I know I keep saying things you don't want to hear and I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry that you're going through this. I know it really, really hurts. Btw, it's possible that while driving those girls around, he ran into someone he knows. That may be why he's telling you. To beat the other guy to the punch. Just a thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gatema Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I'm not trying to be insensitive to your feelings right now by posting my comment, so please, forgive me if I insult you, that is not my intent. After reading through the various disconnecting actions/reactions from your husband over the last few months, it was much clearer to me what I think is probably happening, than it would be to you, since you've not been in this position in your marriage before. Just think about it. Perhaps you should dig a little deeper in to the possibility, that just maybe, there may be another person involved in his decision to separate, or he has not told you about, simply because he wasn't ready to expose or discuss them with you..........................just yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickmeup Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Don't apologise for saying how it looks. I really have to shake myself up and your comments will help me, the hurt will go one day I know, meanwhile this grieving has to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Pick I feel for ya.. My husband finally sent me a text at 8pm last night, after 19 hours after he left the house leaving me to think he was coming back after a few drinks, that he would be back tomorrow. That was it.. I just sent a message back saying "glad your not dead" With the way my H has been acting I suspect he is seeing someone as well. Its a sucky reality that is over. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pickmeup Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Pick I feel for ya.. My husband finally sent me a text at 8pm last night, after 19 hours after he left the house leaving me to think he was coming back after a few drinks, that he would be back tomorrow. That was it.. I just sent a message back saying "glad your not dead" With the way my H has been acting I suspect he is seeing someone as well. Its a sucky reality that is over. Hang in there. Karla torture isn't it and the thing is they haven't got a clue what we are going through. They just think and deal with stuff totally different to us. I know my H just drove off yesterday having no idea what a mess he had just stirred up and left me in. In his mind he had done the right thing!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gatema Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 (edited) I feel complete empathy for each one of you, and I would never want to be in your shoes, but I have, and it was brutal. The sooner you start to prepare yourself for the worst case scenerio, while it won't make hearing the news ( if it is another person) any easier, it will prevent you from being totally blindsided or were not expecting to hear from a relationship partner. Convincing yourself that someone that you love would never lie to you about cheating, or they have never entertained the idea of straying away from the marriage; is putting yourself in a compromising position, and really, you are allowing yourself to exist in a delusional reality. It's like playing Russian Roulette with your emotional confidence when you let naively dictate your future. Trust me, each one of us have been in different situations where an opportunity appears challenging us to stick our toe in the pond, so to speak, when given the right set of circumstances. There are some of us willing to take the risk and dive right in, but there are also some of us, that do nothing more than to look for the nearest exit door and head straight home. It really gets down to the "timing" of the circumstances, when the decision is made, and almost always, just how big the temptation is weighing on our moral compass at the time. Edited September 2, 2014 by Gatema Link to post Share on other sites
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