2 months into separation after 20 years

[KarlaB]

Bathtub--- I honestly need you to email me all day long with your wise words.. While I know there is no saving my marriage and I have accepted that and trying to move on, he says he isn't cheating, but something in my gut tells me differently with all the phone calls and wanting to see his buddy who lives out of town. I am not a stupid woman so he can tell me all he wants he isn't cheating but unless he is going to talk on the phone in front of me or show me the texts I will think differently.

[Pickmeup]

oh wow - it is like I have just read my own story here. I am new - just joined. and am feeling very similar to you. I too have separated from hubby (been 9 weeks now) and now he has decided to move out "to find out what he wants" and I will move home. Part of me hopes we can work through this, but other part of me thinks he has made up his mind but he also needs to grow a pair and admit it

I feel your pain. I think he has been trying to let me down "gently" but when I keep seeing him upset it gives me hope he still cares for me - I am trying to accept that his upset is not about wanting to get back with me or for missing me but more through guilt of how he has hurt me. I know he doesn't want to hurt me.

 

I am just so tired of it all now, tired of feeling like this :-(

[Pickmeup]

This afternoon it's off to work I go with my H for about 8 hours, brave face and smile painted on. On the inside I feel that constant sick feeling and just want to cry - I cannot cry in front of him it makes him feel guilty and upset and makes our time together intense and unhappy. I want our time spent together to be fun.

 

I have decided I am going to use this site as my kind of diary, my diary of how I get though this and pick myself back up from having lost my husband, my home and probably now my business within a few months. I have no idea how I am going to get through this but I know, whatever happens, happier days are out there somewhere.

[aMguilts]

Having her H not know what he wants isn't the same as knowing he doesn't want a divorce. During the months my exW was saying "I don't know what I want", I never had a sense she was committed to me or our marriage. As conflict averse as the OP's husband seems to be, he may want a split and for her to do the heavy lifting involved in getting there.

 

At this point, like reading tea leaves for all of us. :confused: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Mr Lucky

you give such good advice

sorry I`m with dot on this one thou

Does it matter what the op`s husband does or doesn`t want?

OP should be concentrating on herself

not her husband

OP sorry

re read what dreamingoftigers put to you

 

 

you are all over of the place and you need to sit back and `gather your thoughts`

start thinking and not reacting on every little thing

slow down a bit

take time out

for you thou

not him or the both of you

 

 

take a step back

aM

[aMguilts]

This afternoon it's off to work I go with my H for about 8 hours, brave face and smile painted on. On the inside I feel that constant sick feeling and just want to cry - I cannot cry in front of him it makes him feel guilty and upset and makes our time together intense and unhappy. I want our time spent together to be fun.

 

I have decided I am going to use this site as my kind of diary, my diary of how I get though this and pick myself back up from having lost my husband, my home and probably now my business within a few months. I have no idea how I am going to get through this but I know, whatever happens, happier days are out there somewhere.

 

 

pickmeup

hello

I really hope you had a great day!!

I know how you felt

I`ve been there before

(between you and I, I`m not really in a great place myself....shhhhh)

 

 

but you have something that you don`t even notice!

you have a light

"happier days are out there somewhere"

yes they are

keep up with that `insight`

 

 

aM

[Pickmeup]

AARRGHH...well I think it's time to spill the beans on what the major issue which has caused this whole mess for my marriage. This is so hard to admit to and why I blame myself for this whole mess.

 

The reason I am doing this now is, my H finally spoke openly and honestly last night, when I asked him why he had cried last Fri and Mon - and finally I can really understand his pain - which I caused him albeit unintentionally.

 

Bascially, the last 2 years our sex life was pretty much non existent. I just lost all interest in sex (never had a big sex drive anyway) - I started to feel like a freak and it got worse and worse. We didn't discuss it and my husband never told me how much it was affecting him. Obviously, he took it personally and now I can see all the hurt and pain in him.

 

I believe many different factors affected me, such as stress being self-employed, menopause and the fact we weren't always that nice to each other - in a bit of a rut after 18 years of marriage.

 

I am undergoing hormone tests, HRT and have just started psychosexual therapy - this has all taken so long though waiting for appointments etc. and has dragged on since Nov 2013 and I still have no answers - my therapy sessions are 3 months apart!!!

 

Last night my H spoke about how hurt he is, he said he sobbed uncontrollably all Monday afternoon - crikey that pains me so much - I did this to him :-(( and I don't yet understand why I am like I am :-(

 

He feels it's unfair that friends are judging him as the bad guy in our split when they don't know the full details and really the fault was with me. I have found this myself when people say whatever is wrong with him you are a gorgeous person - inside my gut turns as I know why and it is my fault.

 

He doesn't feel he can risk being this hurt again by giving our marriage another chance :-(

 

So that's absolutely all my issues out there and I messed up big time and don't know why?!!! :-(

[Snowflower]

AARRGHH...well I think it's time to spill the beans on what the major issue which has caused this whole mess for my marriage. This is so hard to admit to and why I blame myself for this whole mess.

 

The reason I am doing this now is, my H finally spoke openly and honestly last night, when I asked him why he had cried last Fri and Mon - and finally I can really understand his pain - which I caused him albeit unintentionally.

 

Bascially, the last 2 years our sex life was pretty much non existent. I just lost all interest in sex (never had a big sex drive anyway) - I started to feel like a freak and it got worse and worse. We didn't discuss it and my husband never told me how much it was affecting him. Obviously, he took it personally and now I can see all the hurt and pain in him.

 

I believe many different factors affected me, such as stress being self-employed, menopause and the fact we weren't always that nice to each other - in a bit of a rut after 18 years of marriage.

 

I am undergoing hormone tests, HRT and have just started psychosexual therapy - this has all taken so long though waiting for appointments etc. and has dragged on since Nov 2013 and I still have no answers - my therapy sessions are 3 months apart!!!

 

Last night my H spoke about how hurt he is, he said he sobbed uncontrollably all Monday afternoon - crikey that pains me so much - I did this to him :-(( and I don't yet understand why I am like I am :-(

 

He feels it's unfair that friends are judging him as the bad guy in our split when they don't know the full details and really the fault was with me. I have found this myself when people say whatever is wrong with him you are a gorgeous person - inside my gut turns as I know why and it is my fault.

 

He doesn't feel he can risk being this hurt again by giving our marriage another chance :-(

 

So that's absolutely all my issues out there and I messed up big time and don't know why?!!! :-(

 

So this demise of your marriage is all your fault? You're going along with this? Like he couldn't have said something before it got to this point?

 

Why didn't he say something 2 years ago when he felt disconnected from you because of the sex issues between the 2 of you? Instead, he let it simmer and stew, didn't talk to you about it in a constructive manner and now blames you for all of it? How passive-aggressive!

 

You might have made some big mistakes but don't you dare take all the blame for this. It seems you are playing right into his hands.

[KarlaB]

Pick- you could be my twin in this story.. about a week ago H and I had a long conversation as well about his hurt in the marriage. Sex and affection was apart of that (I too have never had a high sex drive) and he feels he is being hurt every time he comes home and too can't risk another day being hurt by me in this marriage.

 

To me I look at it as he is quitting and take the easy way out. Nobody said marriage was easy. While my H has mentioned things in the past to me about this, I made a few changes but would always go back to my own ways. Our communication also sucks which didn't help all of this. However, I still see this as a two way street. While I had some faults in this breakdown of marriage, I know it takes 2 and by him sitting on the sidelines for so many years without saying "Hey we need to fix this" it's his fault too.

 

I do beat myself up daily thinking this is my fault but when I am back to reality I know it's not all me. Keep thinking that. It takes 2 open and honest people to make a marriage last the fairytale of 50+ years.

[Pickmeup]

Thank you both so much :-) I do see that he should have said something made it clear just how bad it affected him and I will remind myself of that.

 

Karlab thank you for sharing your situation too, big hugs to you. I just hope our Hs realise that some things are worth working hard for.

 

I know he still cares, he called me this morning to check I was okay after our chat last night - so who knows what the future holds. The ball is in his court now, I don't feel there is anything else I can do other than work out why this all happened, continue with my therapy (god that sounds werid!) and I am doing this for myself and my future happiness.

 

Let me know how you progress Karlab keep strong.

[aMguilts]

pickmeup

 

 

I can see why you blame yourself for what happened.

or in this case didn't happen.

 

 

1 thing you need to stop

is the blame!!

You are who you are.

You haven`t changed at all since you 1st met him?

In all the posts I`ve seen on here it`s clear that for 1 reason or another

someone changed their mind about what they want for the future.

changed their mind

not themselves

their mind.

no one can alter how someone perceives their look on `us`

We can try and be someone we aren`t just to try and `aplease` them

Make them see us in a different light so they will `love`us again?

 

 

but that will be a falsetto

it wont last . we are who we are.

 

 

stop blaming yourself

in your post you contradict yourself a few times

not going to point them out

but you are doing ok

 

 

stop trying to make him love you, above all

stop blaming yourself for everything

it`s 50/50 (or should be)

He could of talked to you AGES ago about the way he felt??

but he didn`t

 

 

keep your chin up

 

 

aM

[Pickmeup]

pickmeup

 

 

I can see why you blame yourself for what happened.

or in this case didn't happen.

 

 

1 thing you need to stop

is the blame!!

You are who you are.

You haven`t changed at all since you 1st met him?

In all the posts I`ve seen on here it`s clear that for 1 reason or another

someone changed their mind about what they want for the future.

changed their mind

not themselves

their mind.

no one can alter how someone perceives their look on `us`

We can try and be someone we aren`t just to try and `aplease` them

Make them see us in a different light so they will `love`us again?

 

 

but that will be a falsetto

it wont last . we are who we are.

 

 

stop blaming yourself

in your post you contradict yourself a few times

not going to point them out

but you are doing ok

 

 

stop trying to make him love you, above all

stop blaming yourself for everything

it`s 50/50 (or should be)

He could of talked to you AGES ago about the way he felt??

but he didn`t

 

 

keep your chin up

 

 

aM

aM thanks for your words.

contradictions yes that's my confusion over the whole situation, I over think stuff looking for answers and go round in circles convincing myself. I am very confused.

[Pickmeup]

Friday and no contact begins again and I hate the silence. I went cycling with a friend this morning, try and keep myself busy. Have been trying to study this afternoon but it's hard to focus. There will be one text tonight re exchange of work info and that will be it, no more contact until work on Monday night.

 

Got to stop my mind it drives me crazy just thinking about him all the time.

[KarlaB]

Pick- I hear ya the silence kills me when my H is not in the house. Even though we are living together when it's not his weekend with our son he leaves. Last weekend was his weekend to leave and I heard nothing from him until late Sunday saying he was going to be late (like 12:30am late) it killed me. I feel your pain but I think it's part of the process. When I move it's going to be like this. I am not going to know what he is doing all the time. Hang in there. Too bad this forum doesn't have private message, I would send you my email if you ever wanted to chat. Our situations are so much alike.

[aMguilts]

Pick- I hear ya the silence kills me when my H is not in the house. Even though we are living together when it's not his weekend with our son he leaves. Last weekend was his weekend to leave and I heard nothing from him until late Sunday saying he was going to be late (like 12:30am late) it killed me. I feel your pain but I think it's part of the process. When I move it's going to be like this. I am not going to know what he is doing all the time. Hang in there. Too bad this forum doesn't have private message, I would send you my email if you ever wanted to chat. Our situations are so much alike.

there is a private message

you need to have over a certain number of posts thou

50 or maybe 100?? cant rember!

aM

[KarlaB]

there is a private message

you need to have over a certain number of posts thou

50 or maybe 100?? cant rember!

aM

 

Ah okay.. that is why I don't see it yet.. Guess I will have to speak up more LOL

[bathtub-row]

I'm probably going to say something you won't like but I'll say it in case it gives you some understanding of your husband's mindset. When you talk about how you love your husband, personally I'm confused as to how lovemaking doesn't figure into that equation. Because otherwise, he might as well be your brother or dad or roommate. It's sex that differentiates a romantic relationship from all others.

 

If I were married to someone who didn't want to have sex with me for a week, I'd be hurt. If it went on for 2 wks, I would be incredibly hurt and asking questions about what was going on. If it went on for a month or two months, the conversations would become VERY serious by then. If things didn't improve drastically, or if I weren't getting answers that made sense, I would simply exit the relationship. This is how important sex is to me. Two years?! I can't even imagine.

 

Your husband's self-esteem has been shattered by what, to him, appears to be pure rejection; complete disinterest in him and a lack of concern for his feelings. I hear about this quite a bit but the part I don't understand is why a person sweeps it under the rug and somehow convinces themselves that, not only is it not a BIG deal, it isn't something that can completely destroy their relationship.

 

I agree with the other poster that you need to take blame out of the equation. However, you do need to look at not only why you have no sex drive, but why you felt this behavior was ok just because you decided it was.

 

To a person who longs for touch and who associates lovemaking with a close relationship, little or no sex is about the biggest form of rejection they could ever fathom. I would be completely and 100% surprised if your husband hasn't already had an affair. I think he has and he's preparing you for his exit. I'm sure he is really torn up about the demise of your marriage and I'm sure his grief is real. Yet it is probably impossible for him to stay.

 

For anyone who's kidding themselves about the importance - or lack of importance - of sex in their relationship, they're making a HUGE mistake. The MM I was once with has a tremendous amount of anger toward his wife because of their lack of sex. He sees it as rejection and it has wounded him deeply. His story to her now is that he can't perform, which isn't true. Whether what he says to me is true or not, it makes me wonder how many guys say this to their wives in order to get back at them, to be the rejector instead of the rejectee. This kind of built up anger is very hard for a person to get past. And if anyone thinks that men are tougher and can handle it, then they're doubling their mistake. Men are extremely vulnerable in relationships and once they get burned, it's hard for them to bounce back.

 

While I ended the affair awhile back, MM would still continue it if I were agreeable to doing so. I'm pretty sure that MM's wife thinks he's a complete angel who wouldn't dream of cheating on her. She has no clue about the level of deceit, and she has no idea how determined he was to have me. Well, that angel in your life who doesn't place much importance on sex is not the person you think he or she is.

 

In a relationship, 'no sex' usually equates to rejection to at least one of the parties involved. If you have a medical condition, then it would be in the best interest of your relationship to try to work it out instead of pretending that it's a non-issue because you rationalize that you're both older, or whatever. The truth is, lots of people have sex into their 90's. And when you love someone, it's normal to want to connect through sex. If that connection is lost and one person isn't happy about that, you've got the makings of the perfect storm. So, whether you choose to do anything about it or not is your choice, but please don't kid yourself into thinking that just because you're ok with it and your spouse has stopped talking about it, that there isn't a problem.

[Pickmeup]

Thank you Bathtubrow, I totally agree this mess is my fault, I was stupid. I do see his pain and now I understand far too late. It was not 2 years totally without but it was getting less frequent. I do see it from his point of view and really see the pain I have caused him which is why I do blame myself for this mess and now I feel the hurt so badly.

 

I really don't understand why it happened and I shouldn't have lived with it without taking any action and speaking to my GP earlier about my concerns but it is an issue that so many do not speak up about - I wasn't sure I could be helped or if there were any answers. I felt like a freak, why was I like it I just didn't get it. I missed our closeness and intimacy too.

 

I have messed up beyond belief, unintentionally hurting the man I love so much and now I have to live with that - always knowing how sad I made him. I want to put it right but he has said he cannot risk being that hurt again.

 

I don't know what to do for the best, whether to leave him alone and let him get on with his life (I want him to be happy) or whether I try and prove to him how much I love him and that I want to put this right.

 

Am i being too selfish to think that marriage is for better or worse - could we not fight for this, work at it and get through it. If we tried it could be better than before. Marriages do get into a rut, we could have tried harder on both sides. We didn't talk enough about each others needs and wants. Hindsight and if only's :-( :-(

Edited August 30, 2014 by Pickmeup

[Pickmeup]

Self pity is not going to cut it...I have to snap out of this one. I got myself here.

[bathtub-row]

I know I got on my soap box earlier but this is a hot topic for me. I see it so many times on this site, and I've known people who have gone through it. I just don't understand why people ignore it like it isn't important. And then they act surprised when they find out their spouse has cheated on them. Unless you and your spouse have agreed that it's ok, then it isn't. And even if your spouse has said it's ok, I'd be very suspicious.

 

If you have no desire for sex even though you love your husband, then it would still be a disservice to both of you to stay married. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. You do understand that for a lot of people, this is a complete deal beaker. He has no reason to believe anything will change and, based on what you're saying, he's right to suspect that. Except that now, you seem to understand the seriousness of the problem. Which is, at least, a start.

 

I'm not sure that it's necessarily too late to resolve this but if I were you, I'd figure out first if there's anything that can be done to fix this problem (the problem of no desire for sex). This is bigger than your marriage just being in a rut. If I were you, I'd also consider the possibility that this issue is psychological. Are you angry with your husband about something? Is there a deeper issue in your marriage that you don't want to admit to? Did something happen in your childhood that's just now coming up, or did something happen 2 yrs or 3yrs ago that triggered this?

 

If you weren't married and had this issue of 'no desire', I'd say it's no big deal. But when you have a partner, it is in fact a very big deal. It would be a good idea to ask yourself why you're clinging to a marriage where you have no desire for your husband, if it is actually something you're resenting him for. If indeed you could pull off getting your marriage back together, could you really deal with the stress of having sex with someone when you didn't want to, or not having sex and dealing with the problems that will create? It's something to think about instead of trying to dive back into a marriage with these kinds if complications. Do you think you can just keep him around until all his desire for sex disappears? Well, good luck with that one. It could be a long wait.

 

The other thing I'm sure you have already considered is that it's possible that your husband is in the midst of an affair, or has met someone that's he's interested in being with. Based on his reaction to this separation, there's a good chance that he has not, but it's still a possibility.

 

I would first do some research about the sex thing and then talk to a dr. Maybe something can be done but just be sure it isn't something along the lines of you taking a pill. That isn't a real fix, and once you get tired of taking drugs, you'll be back to the same problem again.

 

Another thing that's going to have to be addressed with your husband, the thing that I'm sure is foremost on his mind, is this -- why did you de-value him so much, why did you take him so much for granted that you never tried to get this resolved before or discuss it with him? This is where his resentment is coming from. Not necessarily that you have a physical issue that you may or may not control, but because you didn't care enough about him to consider his feelings in all this. That's one of the big roadblocks you're really dealing with here.

 

You know, there is a such thing as being happily single. If you continue to view divorce as a death wish, you're not going to allow yourself to look at this honestly and from all angles.

Edited August 30, 2014 by bathtub-row

[KarlaB]

Wow Bathtub this really hit home for me... and brought me to tears, which was more of a slap of reality. Sex has always been an issue in my marriage and my husband has made it clear of that and he is tired of being hurt and rejected. I think I have reason for not wanting sex because I feel the only affection I get is when he wants sex and we haven't slept in the same been in years. He says that is not the case but I think different. So why would I want to have sex with someone when they cant even sleep in the same bed or show any other affection.

 

I do blame myself for this marriage ending because I have apparently hurt him too much by rejecting him. Why wouldn't he want to get away from me? Disappointing part is he doesn't see the hurt he has cause me.

[KarlaB]

Pickmeup- I agree with everything you are saying as well. I have made a colossal mistake in this marriage. I too have to live with the guilt of hurting him, a man I love so much. The only reason I am not disputing this divorce, in the state of Iowa I can request and require of to do MC, is because I want him to be happy, with or without me. I do think we could have gone to MC and tried without just wiping our hand clean, but he wants nothing to do with that because he can't take the hurt anymore. The guilt sucks and it's something I beat myself up over all the time, especially since we are still living together.

[2sunny]

I'm left wondering who he visited in his hometown... He didn't even see his best buddy?

 

I think he has an interest in someone there and is using the "you wouldn't have sex with me" to justify pursuit of an old flame.

 

Have you checked to see exactly how he spent his time while in his hometown? Are there any receipts or debits that might indicate he paid for things that indicate more than one coffee/meal/outing?

 

 

Stop thinking he's so innocent and you're obligated to carry all the blame!

 

 

He went home for SOME reason and you need to find out what the reason is! My best guess is he's attempting to start up with someone he knew when he was younger.

 

Check his phone (or bill), his email and Facebook messages.

 

He looks like the cheater. Open your eyes and start digging! You will either find evidence that makes sense in his change or you will find evidence that shows he's not pursuing someone else.

 

But I'd bet money he's interested in someone and taking advantage of you to share that blame.

[Pickmeup]

Yes Bathtub you are right and I do want to fix my own problem, I know if he said move back tomorrow we would have the same issues and be no further on.

 

I have been trying to get this sorted since last November via my doctor and hospital appointments, tests of hormones and finally seeing a sexual therapist. I actually want to understand why I am like this for myself too. I feel I am missing out not wanting/having sex. I know I would be okay single but why should I be, why should I accept this is how it will be because of my low sex drive.

 

Yes I think some of this has got worse the longer we were married, H didn't always show me love and affection (two way street I know) and we worked and lived together 24 7 - I always felt he was nagging or I didn't do this his way or didn't listen him. I did find it hard to switch my brain off and feel.

 

We also spent the last 5 years setting up a business from scratch which I found extremely stressful and again could never switch off from, feeling tense and uptight. I really think I forgot how to relax and have real fun.

 

H also has had this issue from very early on in our marriage he feels I spoil my parents too much and he becomes bottom of my list when they were around (in his view). I never understood why this was such a big issue to him, but it was so I saw them less and less and then felt guilty about not seeing them or taking them out as much as I'd like to. I lived away from them for 20 years and being back near them I felt I wanted to see more of them.

 

So yes, I suppose there were issues that built up resentment but that doesn't mean I don't love him and I think all of our issues are fixable if we only talk. It could take a very long time but I am willing and really want to try.

 

Meanwhile, I am never quite sure how to be with him. Do I leave him as no contact as much as I can (other than our work) or, as he felt unloved, do I give him signs that I do love him and how sorry I am?

[Pickmeup]

Pickmeup- I agree with everything you are saying as well. I have made a colossal mistake in this marriage. I too have to live with the guilt of hurting him, a man I love so much. The only reason I am not disputing this divorce, in the state of Iowa I can request and require of to do MC, is because I want him to be happy, with or without me. I do think we could have gone to MC and tried without just wiping our hand clean, but he wants nothing to do with that because he can't take the hurt anymore. The guilt sucks and it's something I beat myself up over all the time, especially since we are still living together.

KarlaB peas in a pod :-((

[bathtub-row]

It sounds like there may be some deeper issues going on in your marriage that I would give a lot of thought to if I were you. I don't think much of a man who's jealous of his wife's parents or family. If he's also critical and unaffectionate, again this needs to be given serious consideration.

 

A very common trait of abusive people is that they try to isolate their spouse. Be sure this isn't what's happening in your marriage. If it is, it's time to bolt. Whether you love your H or not, if there are unhealthy dynamics going on, then love isn't relevant.

 

Take it from someone who lost her parents within days of each other -- someday they won't be around and you'll never have the opportunity to spend time with them again (at least on this planet). Don't be someone who looks back on that with regret. I spent a lot of time with my parents and am very glad I did. I didn't know how fast things could change and that I would turn around one day and they would be gone, just like that.

 

As far as how to be with your husband right now, it's hard to say because I don't really know the situation between the two of you. If you're in a bad relationship, you really need to re-think this whole thing. I guess all I can say is be yourself and stop focusing on the problems so much. I know, easier said than done. I mean, if you haven't already told him that you're working on the sex issue, and that you're giving a lot of thought to issues at hand, then there's not much else to do. I would stop talking about it unless he brings it up.

 

Btw, what did your hormone tests show?