Husband cheating...maybe

[IfWishesWereHorses]

www.fairfaxhoteldc.com

 

 

Doesn't look like a dive to me. I went on expedia and the room start at almost 400.00 right now.

 

Probably not on Expedia. Trip advisor has a pop up that checks several of these sites and shows you the best rate. The draw back is that they are usually nonrefundable.

 

I really admire your strength! At this point I think I would had informed him that I was coming! Probably would have printed out an itenerary with great things we would do. Working to find out the last thing you'd ever want to believe is sheer hell. It takes a ton of guts. I hope you're/we're wrong!

[jackslife]

Some of that is good advice, but how do your propose she gets his room number?.

 

She asks for a new key card at reception. She is his wife and the room will likely be booked for two. She has proof of ID which will match husbands details on the data base. She can claim she has lost a card and that she can't remember the room number. "my husband takes care of those details etc." Once she has the key she has the number.

 

This isn't a stranger asking for information, but a guests wife. As far as the hotel is concerned its a legitimate request.

[SamSam68]

Last night was h@ll. Today is h@ll. I don't think I can stay with my H. He is disgusting to me.

 

 

Got the keys to his car while he was showering, went into his locked car and went through his briefcase looking for the hotel receipt I saw 2 nights ago. Guess what? I found a hand written letter, and yes, from N. Discussing their feelings for each other and referencing when they saw each other...nothing about specific sex or anything, but deep emotional stuff.

 

 

I brought the letter inside. When he emerges from his hour long shower I asked him if there was anything he wanted to confess. He acted nervous but denied all. I showed him the letter. His initial response was that of anger that I went through his brief case where there is confidential client information. I left the letter on his table and went to the guest room. About an hour later he came up and said he wanted to talk. He admits to an emotional affair, although he refused to use the word affair. Called it an emotional connection. Denies anything physical. Denies plans for anything physical. Claims N is the driver of the EA, that she is highly needful after her abusive marriage ended. I told him to f* off, that I didn't believe him.

 

 

I am going to stay at my mother's with my son for a few days. I absolutely KNOW from the letter that it is a physical affair. And yes, I took a photo of it with my phone which is decent enough that I can read it.

 

 

It makes me sick that he couldn't confess without being backed into a corner and even then, I think I have the very "light" version of what is going on.

[jackslife]

So sorry to hear your bad news. There will be a lot of advice on here (and it is also a useful place to vent.) In response to you doubting his word, you are right to be suspicious.

 

He is trying to get away with the very minimum he will be doing this to protect himself (and in his own head trying to not upset you more). Notice it is all her fault, she needs him because of her terrible marriage, etc.

 

His effort now will be damage limitation, he won't have realised the pain he has caused and the amount of **** he is in.

[whichwayisup]

Last night was h@ll. Today is h@ll. I don't think I can stay with my H. He is disgusting to me.

 

 

Got the keys to his car while he was showering, went into his locked car and went through his briefcase looking for the hotel receipt I saw 2 nights ago. Guess what? I found a hand written letter, and yes, from N. Discussing their feelings for each other and referencing when they saw each other...nothing about specific sex or anything, but deep emotional stuff.

 

 

I brought the letter inside. When he emerges from his hour long shower I asked him if there was anything he wanted to confess. He acted nervous but denied all. I showed him the letter. His initial response was that of anger that I went through his brief case where there is confidential client information. I left the letter on his table and went to the guest room. About an hour later he came up and said he wanted to talk. He admits to an emotional affair, although he refused to use the word affair. Called it an emotional connection. Denies anything physical. Denies plans for anything physical. Claims N is the driver of the EA, that she is highly needful after her abusive marriage ended. I told him to f* off, that I didn't believe him.

 

 

I am going to stay at my mother's with my son for a few days. I absolutely KNOW from the letter that it is a physical affair. And yes, I took a photo of it with my phone which is decent enough that I can read it.

 

 

It makes me sick that he couldn't confess without being backed into a corner and even then, I think I have the very "light" version of what is going on.

 

He gets mad at you (yet he is the one who doing something behind your back) denies an affair and also throws N under the bus, like he's the victim and she was the one totally chasing him.

 

He is scared of telling the truth, it's easier for him to deny/lie/minimize for his own sake. What he doesn't realize is telling the truth and coming clean would still hurt you but at least it's honest and realistic. It's the lies and gas lighting is what hurts and does a lot of damage. what a fool he is.

 

I say, tell him to pack up his bags and go be with the OW. Ask your mom to come to you.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[Realist3]

She asks for a new key card at reception. She is his wife and the room will likely be booked for two. She has proof of ID which will match husbands details on the data base. She can claim she has lost a card and that she can't remember the room number. "my husband takes care of those details etc." Once she has the key she has the number.

 

This isn't a stranger asking for information, but a guests wife. As far as the hotel is concerned its a legitimate request.

 

That won't work. She has to know the number of the room first.

[Realist3]

Last night was h@ll. Today is h@ll. I don't think I can stay with my H. He is disgusting to me.

 

 

Got the keys to his car while he was showering, went into his locked car and went through his briefcase looking for the hotel receipt I saw 2 nights ago. Guess what? I found a hand written letter, and yes, from N. Discussing their feelings for each other and referencing when they saw each other...nothing about specific sex or anything, but deep emotional stuff.

 

 

I brought the letter inside. When he emerges from his hour long shower I asked him if there was anything he wanted to confess. He acted nervous but denied all. I showed him the letter. His initial response was that of anger that I went through his brief case where there is confidential client information. I left the letter on his table and went to the guest room. About an hour later he came up and said he wanted to talk. He admits to an emotional affair, although he refused to use the word affair. Called it an emotional connection. Denies anything physical. Denies plans for anything physical. Claims N is the driver of the EA, that she is highly needful after her abusive marriage ended. I told him to f* off, that I didn't believe him.

 

 

I am going to stay at my mother's with my son for a few days. I absolutely KNOW from the letter that it is a physical affair. And yes, I took a photo of it with my phone which is decent enough that I can read it.

 

 

It makes me sick that he couldn't confess without being backed into a corner and even then, I think I have the very "light" version of what is going on.

 

I'm sorry, and I'm glad you found out what you needed.

[Steen719]

Sorry, SamSam,

 

It is a hard pill to swallow. The VAR will probably show that he is scrambling around trying to cover it up, but you already have what you need.

 

My XH also threw the OW under the bus. He just couldn't see how pathetic that made him look - blaming her for it all.

 

It gets better in time. Sounds trite, but it does and there are many posters who understand your angst, so post as you need to.

 

So sorry.

[Steen719]

Oh, and also, Whichwayisup has a good suggestion. Ask him to leave and you ask your mom to come to you. Your son shouldn't have to leave his home and comfort zone and neither should you. Let your H stay somewhere else.

[EverySunset]

Yes...he keeps a ton of receipts in his briefcase, work related. I'm going to check those out tonight.

 

There has been a summit starting in DC. A big deal, the city is booked solid everywhere and expensive to boot. Cost and availability right now are ridiculous, even for DC.

 

The minute you can PM send me one.

[oldshirt]

Last night was h@ll. Today is h@ll. I don't think I can stay with my H. He is disgusting to me.

 

 

Got the keys to his car while he was showering, went into his locked car and went through his briefcase looking for the hotel receipt I saw 2 nights ago. Guess what? I found a hand written letter, and yes, from N. Discussing their feelings for each other and referencing when they saw each other...nothing about specific sex or anything, but deep emotional stuff.

 

 

I brought the letter inside. When he emerges from his hour long shower I asked him if there was anything he wanted to confess. He acted nervous but denied all. I showed him the letter. His initial response was that of anger that I went through his brief case where there is confidential client information. I left the letter on his table and went to the guest room. About an hour later he came up and said he wanted to talk. He admits to an emotional affair, although he refused to use the word affair. Called it an emotional connection. Denies anything physical. Denies plans for anything physical. Claims N is the driver of the EA, that she is highly needful after her abusive marriage ended. I told him to f* off, that I didn't believe him.

 

 

I am going to stay at my mother's with my son for a few days. I absolutely KNOW from the letter that it is a physical affair. And yes, I took a photo of it with my phone which is decent enough that I can read it.

 

 

It makes me sick that he couldn't confess without being backed into a corner and even then, I think I have the very "light" version of what is going on.

 

Think of this like feeling sick and knowing something is wrong for some time and going to doctor after doctor and having test after test. Then one day a specific test reveals a specific cancer.

 

 

It's devastating news and now you are looking more painful procedures and surgeries and chemo and radiation and all the miserable and painful things that go with that.

 

 

However at least now you know what the problem is and you know that there are treatments for it and that there can be hope.

 

 

I am sorry that this was bad news but you had to find out the truth so that you could deal with it effectively.

 

 

we have now identified the issue and confirmed the fear, now it's time to shift from investigation and discovery to intervention and treatment.

 

 

We've traced where the smoke is coming from and now we need to put out the fire.

 

 

I recommend starting another thread and shifting the focus from VARs and staking out hotel rooms, to actually dealing with at minimum of EA.

[woinlove]

So sorry your fears were realized and that your H continues to lie and blame others for his choices and actions. Your instincts were right about your H having an affair with this woman and I'm sure your instincts are right about it being physical. Certainly they didn't develop the feelings that had to be laid out in a hidden hand-written letter over the one "lunch" your H admitted to when directly asked. All the deception and blame shifting is disgusting behavior and whatever your H is thinking of, it is neither you, your son nor the life you built together.

 

If your mom will be a comfort for you and help with childcare, you should feel free to go stay with her a few days with your son. But you may not feel like returning to live with your H after a few days, in which case, I agree with others suggesting you ask your H to move.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm so very sorry for your devistation. I'm glad that you were able to find out what you're dealing with fairly early on. The searching is so degrading and anxiety inducing. I'm glad that parts over for you.

 

This is really not the time to make big decisions. Look up the 180 and put it into action. I'm so glad you have your mom to lean on. Please don't leave the house for more than a few days. It won't hurt to see an attorney and make sure you have a good eye on your finances and investments.

 

Again, so very sorry for your pain.

[2sunny]

I'm sorry you are hurting and that he continues to minimize his affair.

 

Now he will cover up even more. I think he should've leaving the home with a packed bag and you should stay put.

 

Although you're still going to need access to that VAR as it will give you more of his cover up. This is the time he will be scrambling to get her to be more secretive than ever.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[CarrieT]

Sam, words cannot express how sorry we all our that it turned out like this.

 

But you need to Google "gas lighting" as that is what he started to do; deflect and make YOU feel like you are the guilty one for having to sneak around to find out the truth.

 

Be strong and know that you did what you had to do and that we all understand and commend you for it.

 

We are here for your when you need to vent or for guidance on next steps. Many, many of us have been there and can attest that it *does* get better and there IS life after infidelity.

[2sunny]

What really sucks is that he deflected by saying he had confidential work info in his briefcase. Second that he didn't get honest about how involved he really is. Third that he doesn't take full responsibility that it's HIS fault for his choices he's made. Fourth that he minimized it all. Fifth that he isn't holding himself responsible. Sixth that he didn't seem like he was sorry he did it, only sorry he got caught.

 

He acts like a seasoned cheater! Even waiting that hour to come to you after he knew you found out... He's a cool cucumber about being caught. How did he explain the nicer hotel room?

[HereNorThere]

Remember, if he's an attorney, he's been trained that the only truth that exists to him is what can be proven.

 

Welcome to trickle truth. OP, you've come this far, keep going. If you really want to keep him, you have to be willing to lose him. He's already proven that he is not above lying to you, so you can't believe a word he says going forward.

 

I am sorry your husband did this, but so PROUD that you stood up for yourself. You have more courage than most BS here.

Edited August 3, 2014 by HereNorThere

[BetrayedH]

This is where the "trickle-truth" starts. They only tell you what you already know (and perhaps one bit more to make you think you know it all).

 

You should know that statistically about 90% of betrayed wives will make an initial attempt to reconcile. It's a form of damage control, trying to stop the bleeding.

 

Ultimately, that decision is your own. But I highly recommend that you not stop digging for the facts. Far too many wayward spouses also decide to reconcile as a form of damage control (guilt, obligation, fear). And they hide as much of the truth as possible, often throwing the other woman "under the bus" as the relentless pursuer and seductress. And then they do damage control with the other woman as well, desperately hoping she'll tolerate being painted as the offender and taking things quietly underground until the affair can resume.

 

This leaves the betrayed wife trying to forgive a situation that has been greatly minimized for the sake of a marriage that remains a sham.

 

My point...keep digging and don't stop until you either have the full truth (so that you can begin to accept it and consider forgiving it) or enough of the truth to be confident in a decision to divorce.

 

And again, I would caution you about confronting him. Again, this has served little purpose for you (he lied, denied, minimized, and gaslighted you as expected) and you've both revealed your sources and made it more difficult to get to the truth.

 

For what it's worth, I'm sorry it's happening. It's a club that none of us wanted to join. The good news is that you're not alone. Keep focusing on making decisions with your head instead of with your emotions. I have regrets about the decisions I made with my brain. I have several regrets about the ones I made with my emotions. My hope is that you do better.

[beach]

I agree. I'd be pulling that briefcase from the car and dumping out ALL contents on the kitchen counter!

 

I'd also demand he drive me to his office to sift through EVERYTHING there!

 

IF he wasn't willing to allow me to look at anything and everything I wanted to - he'd be OUT so fast his head would spin!

 

And now that he knows you know - he will use the time you're away to hide all his evidence even more.

 

Move money into your name only - if he gets angry that you know he may take all the money for himself.

[Timmos]

I am sorry your husband did this, but so PROUD that you stood up for yourself. You have more courage than most BS here.

 

I can second this.

[turnera]

My hesitance is probably because I would be pissed if my H was spying on me because I have never done anything that would be harmful to our marriage.

Even if he did find the VAR (which you will be velcroing under the driver's seat), all you have to say is "I never would have done this if you hadn't been acting suspiciously, so I have nothing to apologize for."

 

 

Anyway, since you now know, don't let up on the snooping.

 

 

Do you want to keep him? If so, your first step is to tell him to stop. If he refuses, your second step is to tell his parents, siblings, and best friend what he's doing.

Edited August 3, 2014 by turnera

[SamSam68]

Remember, if he's an attorney, he's been trained that the only truth that exists to him is what can be proven.

 

Welcome to trickle truth. OP, you've come this far, keep going. If you really want to keep him, you have to be willing to lose him. He's already proven that he is not above lying to you, so you can't believe a word he says going forward.

 

I am sorry your husband did this, but so PROUD that you stood up for yourself. You have more courage than most BS here.

 

 

 

I'm pretty certain I don't want to keep him. And yes, trickle truth is what he is doing. Damage control, minimization.

[goodyblue]

I know I should not say anything, as I am FOW... but I'm proud of you. I can't imagine your pain. I'm so sorry.

Edited August 4, 2014 by goodyblue

[whichwayisup]

Confronting him will do nothing but frustrate you. He will not admit what he is doing and he'll continue to blame you and make you think you're crazy (the gas lighting) so just stop. Don't say a word to him about any of this anymore.

 

Rely on your family and good friends for support and please DO go talk to a lawyer, protect yourself. By doing this it's showing him you are done. Stay silent and only speak to him about necessary things.

[2sunny]

I agree get guidance from an attorney.

 

I think it may be best if you get back to the house. You don't want him changing the locks on you. And you need to keep an eye on what he's doing right now while he's in damage control mode.

 

Has he said anything since you had the talk with him?