Husband cheating...maybe

[CrystalCastles]

Why are you stalling? I think you should just go into spy mode. Guessing at what is going on isn't going to help. You need concrete answers.

 

Councelling isn't going to help in this situation IMO. Your H has denied any wrongdoing, he isn't going to go to councelling simply because you accused him of cheating.

 

Seriously. Just get a VAR and your problems will be solved.

[beach]

More than likely not, but it can.

 

It forces people to come to terms with issues that both parties have rug-swept for a long time. When it is out in the open and are forced to deal with them, the obviously choose not to deal with them and split. I'm not saying that is bad or good, just to be aware of where the good-hearted idea of counseling may lead.

 

It doesn't "force people" - in denial or want to believe delusions - never admit.

 

Saying counseling "forces" anything is just completely wrong.

 

Anything can be discussed in counseling - it never means anything is forced.

[BetrayedH]

My openion on this is, I would NOT agree with my H e-mail , phone calls, texes his EX GF. Thats where the problem starts!!!!!!! I was married for 15years never did my H cheated on me or contacted his EX gf. I dont care home many years they did not seen or speak to each other. EX is a EX. Leave it that way. I dont care if she marriend or what so ever ........ I would ask my self what marriage is based? should be TRUST! RESPECT! LOVE! HONOR! If you had all that he would NEVER go out of the way to make you feel unconfrotable. Which is speaking to an EX gf.

 

Last of all, I would feel very stupid invading his privacy! too bad that you let him, and agree on contact with his ex. NO way in history a man can be friend with a woman especialy their ex lol

 

Good luck!

 

The book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass is excellent on this subject and might be in order even if your H's relationship with exes are ultimately determined to be "innocent."

[Realist3]

It doesn't "force people" - in denial or want to believe delusions - never admit.

 

Saying counseling "forces" anything is just completely wrong.

 

Anything can be discussed in counseling - it never means anything is forced.

 

"Let's hold hands and walk through the park together. Look at those nice trees."

 

Of course counseling FORCES you to look at issues that are important to the relationship; otherwise what is it doing? Counseling is a tool to make each person look inward(forcing),.

[almond]

 

I would caution though that too much 'privacy' (however you define it) in a marriage can lead to situations such as the one you are in.

 

I disagree. I really cannot imagine how allowing too much "privacy" would lead a person committed to their marriage to cheat.

 

Sure, if you aren't in the habit of invading your partner's privacy, it may be easier for them to conceal an affair, but there is no way that allowing privacy will cause this to occur, or "lead to sitations" such as this. If anything, invasion of privacy and insecurity will lead to it easier, by pushing them away from you.

 

OP - good luck. I can imagine the pain and fear that you are experiencing, and I truly feel for you. Just breathe. Try to remain calm. Perhaps consider individual conseling to help you through this and keep your head as level as possible?

 

Install the VAC if you feel that this is the right course of action. Go at your own pace. Do whatever it is you feel that you need to do, try to act on logic and not let your emotions dictate your actions. You could even consider staying with a friend or relative for a few days at any point if you feel like you need a break.

 

Exercise, eat healthy, and sleep well. Do fun things with your son. Look after yourself throug this process. Seek counseling for yourself. Prepare for whatever it is that may come.

 

I am very sorry you are going through this, and I wish you all the best. Be kind to yourself <3

[BrokenPrincess]

I am a fOW but beyond that, I am totally impatient. If it was me, I would be at Walmart right now buying the VAR & sticking it in the car. Because if he's cheating, he's most likely talking to her to/from work and I would hate to wait all the way to next week!

 

Good luck, I hope you find nothing.

[Hope Shimmers]

"Let's hold hands and walk through the park together. Look at those nice trees."

 

Of course counseling FORCES you to look at issues that are important to the relationship; otherwise what is it doing? Counseling is a tool to make each person look inward(forcing),.

 

No one "forces" anyone to do anything. I've read your posts on this thread regarding counseling and I have no idea what you are talking about. (And I'm not even a proponent of counseling!)

 

As for BS replies being biased, I thought it was ironic that you - who has readily admitted to going to Herculean efforts and using advanced technology for years in order to cover up your own affair - do not think the OP should think anything about typically suspicious/different behavior in her husband. Had to laugh at that. Biased, much?

 

I disagree. I really cannot imagine how allowing too much "privacy" would lead a person committed to their marriage to cheat.

 

Sure, if you aren't in the habit of invading your partner's privacy, it may be easier for them to conceal an affair, but there is no way that allowing privacy will cause this to occur, or "lead to sitations" such as this. If anything, invasion of privacy and insecurity will lead to it easier, by pushing them away from you.

 

I TOTALLY agree with this. If you have to be literally joined at the hip with your spouse in order to "prevent" an affair, then what is the point? As everyone keeps saying, integrity is about what people do when others aren't looking. If you can't have trust enough to allow for privacy without worrying that an affair will start, then it would have started except for the extra vigilance, and who wants a marriage/partnership like that?

Edited July 31, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[Realist3]

It doesn't "force people" - in denial or want to believe delusions - never admit.

 

Saying counseling "forces" anything is just completely wrong.

 

Anything can be discussed in counseling - it never means anything is forced.

 

"Let's hold hands and walk through the park together. Look at those nice trees."

 

Of course counseling FORCES you to look at issues that are important to the relationship; otherwise what is it doing? Counseling is a tool to make each person look inward(forcing),choices.

[almond]

...you just posted the exact same thing...and it still doesn't make any more sense.

 

I can see what you are saying, but "force" is hardly the correct word for this...therapy facilitates introspection and open discussion of issues if successful. No one is "forced" to do anything...people can choose to disregard and shut off, or they can choose to think and participate. There is a choice. There is no force or coercion used.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I don't find your tone or use of the lord's name helpful. I just joined here 2 days ago. I am proceeding with things...sorry if it isn't at the impulsive speed you recommend.

 

You're impulsive enough to openly accuse your husband twice now but not enough to be proactive in a more productive way? Ok then.

[2sunny]

"Let's hold hands and walk through the park together. Look at those nice trees."

 

Of course counseling FORCES you to look at issues that are important to the relationship; otherwise what is it doing? Counseling is a tool to make each person look inward(forcing),choices.

 

If the counseling sessions don't involve honesty - there's nothing to accomplish.

 

If both parties won't acknowledge their own part in how they participate and are willing to change - nothing changes.

 

Nothing forced ---> I've never seen that approach during counseling.

 

A ton of harm can happen if a person isn't willing to "see" what's real yet they are forced to realize what's real.

 

If folks are real and honest - and willing to change - it's not likely to be a "walk in the park".

 

Emotions run high and often it's painful for people to make change happen - even when it's necessary to get better.

 

Clarity isn't gained without a willing participant. Many choose to stay in the dark.

 

Hence, the saying "ignorance is bliss".

 

I do think the original poster just doesn't want to look at the evidence because she wants to believe it's not real.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I read this thread earlier tonight and wanted to reply. I'm sleep deprived and without my readers and ising my phone, so please excuse any typos.

 

I can tell you, as could anyone who has been in your situation, that your H is having an inappropriate friendship with this woman. It may be an EA or a PA but it's totally involved. For anyone who has been there, the writing is as clear as day!

 

If I could go back and give myself one gift, one piece of advice, it would be to have kept my emotions intact. I sucked, so I get that it's so very hard, but it would have served me well.

 

You would be wise to purchase two or three of th VAR, or VOR as mine was called. A digital with time and date will serve you well. The batteries run out quickly, so invest in quite a few. I can remember shaking to the point of having a seizure placing, retrieving and listening to those. It's awesome that you have your brother on your side!

 

The car would be optimal, but if you leave to walk your dog or chat with a neighbor, then a few places in your house would work as well. YOU have the upper hand by knowing WHAT exactly he wantsto do. Providing him with the opportunity and knowing when and where behooves you.

 

STOP worrying about his trust. That is working in his favor. These aren't normal circumstances. START worrying about you and DS, you are paramount!

 

Read about "the fog". His R with this ex is like crack or meth. Understand that. LDA's are probably the most dangerous.

 

Be prepared to let him go. It's sad. It's not the least bit positive, but it's true. The one who cares least wins. Take that role now, even though its the last thing you want.

 

On the topic of MC, FORGET about it! For now anyway! Even if he suggests it! Nothing is more damaging to you than MC without a committed spouse! Get IC for yourself! Suggest IC for him. Know that you are at war and accept from the beginning that you can't easily win, but fight for yourself and what you believe in/ want, but be prepared to lose. You are important, this is your life. Stuff happens, choose your side and what you believe in and fight smart. I'm sure whatever you choose will be best for you!

 

Best of luck to you! IWWH

[camillalev]

Yes, he did the retreating when confronted thing...which is pretty common.

 

And disrespectful.

 

I'm thinking that a marriage counselor might be skilled in this sort of thing and could help me demonstrate that some of his behaviors have red flags on them and I'm not just some bored, paranoid housewife.

 

You do realize if he is having and affair and wants to keep a secret, he'll continue to lie and keep it a secret. He'll always have some excuse or other for his actions. Cheaters having an ongoing affair rarely, if ever fess up. You will only give him the motives and means to hide it better, once you show all your cards. That is, if you can even wrangle him into therapy. He doesn't seem to care about you or your feelings, walking out on you and giving you the cold shoulder when you clearly need reassurance and support. Only liars get defensive when their lies are confronted. An honest partner who care about you would not.

 

His actions are very suspicious. I know some people who have and do cheat, the signs are usually the same. I'm sorry OP but you are driving yourself up the wall. You'll only get peace of mind when you know the truth, which, if he is cheating, he will never tell you, counseling or no.

 

TBH you seem afraid to know the truth.

[almond]

You're impulsive enough to openly accuse your husband twice now but not enough to be proactive in a more productive way? Ok then.

 

There is a big difference between breaking down and lashing out due to fear and pain, and planning then following through on purchasing and planting a device to monitor your husband's conversations secretly.

 

She has only been on here two days guys. She is purchasing a VAC, and has enlisted help to place it in his car this weekend at a time where she feels safe and comfortable to do so.

 

Why criticise her for not doing this today? Why are people saying that she seems like she "doesn't want to find out the truth?"

 

I can't imagine what kind of emotion and fear she is experiencing now...the amount of terrifying thoughts and possibilities running through her mind...

 

...give her a break!! Not everyone can become instantly comfortable with the idea of purchasing a recording device to spy on their spouse, while processing the incredibly scary possibility that she is about to become a single mother, and lose her husband in one of the worst ways imaginable (in my opinion)

 

OP...do you what you need to do, and do it at your own pace. In my opinion, you're doing just fine <3

Edited July 31, 2014 by almond

[BetrayedH]

There is a big difference between breaking down and lashing out due to fear and pain, and planning then following through on purchasing and planting a device to monitor your husband's conversations secretly.

 

She has only been on here two days guys. She is purchasing a VAC, and has enlisted help to place it in his car this weekend at a time where she feels safe and comfortable to do so.

 

Why criticise her for not doing this today? Why are people saying that she seems like she "doesn't want to find out the truth?"

 

I can't imagine what kind of emotion and fear she is experiencing now...the amount of terrifying thoughts and possibilities running through her mind...

 

...give her a break!! Not everyone can become instantly comfortable with the idea of purchasing a recording device to spy on their spouse, while processing the incredibly scary possibility that she is about to become a single mother, and lose her husband in one of the worst ways imaginable (in my opinion)

 

OP...do you what you need to do, and do it at your own pace. In my opinion, you're doing just fine <3

 

Yep. As I recall, it took me three weeks to decide to get a GPS. And I was shaking in my shoes up until the point where I had downloaded the data.

 

To some extent, I'm also with Realist in that what she has are some red flags that fit the typical profile but she hasn't got any proof. I think it's a bit early to say that she's sticking her head in the sand. She should have some answers within a few days.

[Snowflower]

I disagree. I really cannot imagine how allowing too much "privacy" would lead a person committed to their marriage to cheat.

 

Sure, if you aren't in the habit of invading your partner's privacy, it may be easier for them to conceal an affair, but there is no way that allowing privacy will cause this to occur, or "lead to sitations" such as this. If anything, invasion of privacy and insecurity will lead to it easier, by pushing them away from you.

 

 

 

 

According to what the OP writes, that privacy between her and her husband has come back to bite her in the butt.

 

The openess isn't even there for her to feel comfortable about asking him what is going on-she doesn't want to invade his privacy. She feels it is wrong to ask him the pointed questions, see his phone, etc., all because she wants to respect his privacy.

 

Yes, he could lie anyway, but the privacy boundaries that already existed in the relationship don't even allow for the conversation to take place.

Edited July 31, 2014 by Snowflower
edited for clarity

[almond]

According to what the OP writes, that privacy between her and her husband has come back to bite her in the butt.

 

The openess isn't even there for her to feel comfortable about asking him what is going on-she doesn't want to invade his privacy. She feels it is wrong to ask him the pointed questions, see his phone, etc., all because she wants to respect his privacy.

 

Yes, he could lie anyway, but the privancy boundaries that already existed in the relationship don't even allow for the conversation to take place.

 

I don't think the actions of a cheater can be blamed in any way on the partner not snooping and monitoring them more closely over the years.

 

How has her allowing him privacy come back to bite her? She trusted him, and never felt the need to snoop through his phone or second guess him when he said he was going somewhere, until he started behaving suspiciously. If I had been with someone for 10 years, and had a child with him, I would definitely hope I felt secure enough not to have to do these things either!

 

I never look through my partner's phone...in fact, I can't even remember the passcode to his phone...it has been that long since I have needed to use it for anything. If he says he is going somewhere, I don't think twice about it...he has never given me reason to, and it sounds like OP's husband hadn't till this point either. If my boyfriend cheats...that's on him, not me. Even if snooping would prevent this, I'd rather he show his true colours and be done with it - I never want to have to monitor a partner to prevent him from having sex with someone else behind my back.

 

It's not the "privacy boundaries" that are preventing them from having a conversation here as you say. I feel that what you are outlining may be a communication issue between them, not to mention the fact that he is quite possibly cheating on her and trying to hide it! Allowing for privacy doesn't mean you cannot have a conversation. And perhaps the OP could speak to him about it? All advice in this thread is advising her to do the opposite though. She doesn't feel it is wrong to ask him direct questions - she has confronted him twice already.

 

Again, I do not believe that allowing your spouse privacy can lead to a situation like this - the issue here has nothing to do with the fact that she doesn't look through his phone etc. This does not lead people to cheat and become secretive. Sure, she feels uncomfortable asking him to look through his phone, but I would in her situation too!

[Snowflower]

I don't think the actions of a cheater can be blamed in any way on the partner not snooping and monitoring them more closely over the years.

 

How has her allowing him privacy come back to bite her? She trusted him, and never felt the need to snoop through his phone or second guess him when he said he was going somewhere, until he started behaving suspiciously. If I had been with someone for 10 years, and had a child with him, I would definitely hope I felt secure enough not to have to do these things either!

 

I never look through my partner's phone...in fact, I can't even remember the passcode to his phone...it has been that long since I have needed to use it for anything. If he says he is going somewhere, I don't think twice about it...he has never given me reason to, and it sounds like OP's husband hadn't till this point either. If my boyfriend cheats...that's on him, not me. Even if snooping would prevent this, I'd rather he show his true colours and be done with it - I never want to have to monitor a partner to prevent him from having sex with someone else behind my back.

 

It's not the "privacy boundaries" that are preventing them from having a conversation here as you say. I feel that what you are outlining may be a communication issue between them, not to mention the fact that he is quite possibly cheating on her and trying to hide it! Allowing for privacy doesn't mean you cannot have a conversation. And perhaps the OP could speak to him about it? All advice in this thread is advising her to do the opposite though. She doesn't feel it is wrong to ask him direct questions - she has confronted him twice already.

 

Again, I do not believe that allowing your spouse privacy can lead to a situation like this - the issue here has nothing to do with the fact that she doesn't look through his phone etc. This does not lead people to cheat and become secretive. Sure, she feels uncomfortable asking him to look through his phone, but I would in her situation too!

 

Just as I was hoping to avoid, you are misconstruing my words. Please don't tell me what I am trying to say. I don't want to continue a threadjack so please PM me if you wish to discuss this further.

 

In any event, I don't want to make the OP feel worse about what she has done or possibly not done.

 

Sam,Sam...I know this is so hard. I've been there. Another option for you and I'm not sure if you would be comfortable with this is to have someone follow your husband-maybe a friend of yours? Someone he doesn't know and wouldn't recognize. Perhaps see if any suspicious behavior is detected that way if you are truly uncomfortable with the VAR. I know, none of these are good choices to have to make.

 

Sending good thoughts your way!

[Lernaean_Hydra]

There is a big difference between breaking down and lashing out due to fear and pain, and planning then following through on purchasing and planting a device to monitor your husband's conversations secretly.

 

Yes, and I for one would be far more afraid of verbally confronting my husband and possibly instigating a big showdown as oposed to going to my local big box store and quietly purchasing a small device. But, to each his own.

 

She has only been on here two days guys. She is purchasing a VAC, and has enlisted help to place it in his car this weekend at a time where she feels safe and comfortable to do so.

 

Mmm hmm. Why do I get the feeling come Monday some catastrophe/incident/family emergency will have prevented her from purchasing and using the device?

 

Why criticise her for not doing this today? Why are people saying that she seems like she "doesn't want to find out the truth?"

 

Because that's what it seems like?

 

I can't imagine what kind of emotion and fear she is experiencing now...the amount of terrifying thoughts and possibilities running through her mind...

 

No one is discounting that. Some of us however, are of the opinion that it is the very things you mentioned preventing her from actually seeking and finding the truth. And honestly, who wants to help someone who won't help themselves?

 

OP...do you what you need to do, and do it at your own pace. In my opinion, you're doing just fine <3

 

That's a sweet sentiment but bear in mind, not everyone has the saintly patience to sit around repeating the same (salient) advice and still be met with reasons why said advice cannot be followed at this time.

[almond]

Just as I was hoping to avoid, you are misconstruing my words. Please don't tell me what I am trying to say. I don't want to continue a threadjack so please PM me if you wish to discuss this further.

 

In any event, I don't want to make the OP feel worse about what she has done or possibly not done.

 

Sam,Sam...I know this is so hard. I've been there. Another option for you and I'm not sure if you would be comfortable with this is to have someone follow your husband-maybe a friend of yours? Someone he doesn't know and wouldn't recognize. Perhaps see if any suspicious behavior is detected that way if you are truly uncomfortable with the VAR. I know, none of these are good choices to have to make.

 

Sending good thoughts your way!

 

I am not telling you what you are trying to say...lol. Perhaps read over the post that I quoted...can't see how I misconstrued anything?

 

You made clear statements, I quoted your exact words and responded accordingly.

 

No need to discuss further...I have responded in detail and I think both of our positions are quite clear on this.

 

Have a nice day

[almond]

Yes, and I for one would be far more afraid of verbally confronting my husband and possibly instigating a big showdown as oposed to going to my local big box store and quietly purchasing a small device. But, to each his own.

 

To each his own, indeed.

 

Mmm hmm. Why do I get the feeling come Monday some catastrophe/incident/family emergency will have prevented her from purchasing and using the device?

 

I don't know..you would have to ask yourself that. OP has not indicated in any way that she is not truthful, or has any reason to fabricate an elaborate story such as that. You're basically calling her a liar, and I don't think it's justified or reasonable. In fact, I think it's quite rude.

 

Because thats what it seems like?

 

She has contacted her brother, and organised for him to purchase and plant a VAC in her husband's car on the weekend. Just because she has chosen to wait a couple of days after becoming suspicious, you come to the conclusion that she must not want to know the truth? Doesn't seem logical to me.

 

No one is discounting that. Some of us however, are of the opinion that it is the very things you mentioned preventing her from actually seeking and finding the truth. And honestly, who wants to help someone who won't help themselves?

 

I think it is virtually impossible to not feel upset and anxious during a time like this. I think you are being unfairly critical of the OP. I also think that implying that the OP doesn't want to help herself and is therefore unworthy of your time is quite uncalled for.

 

That's a sweet sentiment but bear in mind, not everyone has the saintly patience to sit around repeating the same (salient) advice and still be met with reasons why said advice cannot be followed at this time.

 

It has been a little over two days since she has started this thread, and she has already made plans to install a VAC, and discussed this with a family member. I don't think she requires advice repeated to her, and I think that your personal definition of "saintly patience" could use a bit of tweaking.

 

I think I've said my bit in here, so time for me to exit the convo. OP, good luck with everything...I will be quietly following your updates <3

[SamSam68]

And disrespectful.

 

 

 

You do realize if he is having and affair and wants to keep a secret, he'll continue to lie and keep it a secret. He'll always have some excuse or other for his actions. Cheaters having an ongoing affair rarely, if ever fess up. You will only give him the motives and means to hide it better, once you show all your cards. That is, if you can even wrangle him into therapy. He doesn't seem to care about you or your feelings, walking out on you and giving you the cold shoulder when you clearly need reassurance and support. Only liars get defensive when their lies are confronted. An honest partner who care about you would not.

 

His actions are very suspicious. I know some people who have and do cheat, the signs are usually the same. I'm sorry OP but you are driving yourself up the wall. You'll only get peace of mind when you know the truth, which, if he is cheating, he will never tell you, counseling or no.

 

TBH you seem afraid to know the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

Don't need to "wrangle" him into therapy. He has agreed to go.

[woinlove]

Don't need to "wrangle" him into therapy. He has agreed to go.

 

I hope you find out the truth, preferably before counselling starts. Some WS continue to lie to both spouse and counsellor in which case MC becomes a manipulative exercise to get what they want.

[SamSam68]

I read this thread earlier tonight and wanted to reply. I'm sleep deprived and without my readers and ising my phone, so please excuse any typos.

 

I can tell you, as could anyone who has been in your situation, that your H is having an inappropriate friendship with this woman. It may be an EA or a PA but it's totally involved. For anyone who has been there, the writing is as clear as day!

 

If I could go back and give myself one gift, one piece of advice, it would be to have kept my emotions intact. I sucked, so I get that it's so very hard, but it would have served me well.

 

You would be wise to purchase two or three of th VAR, or VOR as mine was called. A digital with time and date will serve you well. The batteries run out quickly, so invest in quite a few. I can remember shaking to the point of having a seizure placing, retrieving and listening to those. It's awesome that you have your brother on your side!

 

The car would be optimal, but if you leave to walk your dog or chat with a neighbor, then a few places in your house would work as well. YOU have the upper hand by knowing WHAT exactly he wantsto do. Providing him with the opportunity and knowing when and where behooves you.

 

STOP worrying about his trust. That is working in his favor. These aren't normal circumstances. START worrying about you and DS, you are paramount!

 

Read about "the fog". His R with this ex is like crack or meth. Understand that. LDA's are probably the most dangerous.

 

Be prepared to let him go. It's sad. It's not the least bit positive, but it's true. The one who cares least wins. Take that role now, even though its the last thing you want.

 

On the topic of MC, FORGET about it! For now anyway! Even if he suggests it! Nothing is more damaging to you than MC without a committed spouse! Get IC for yourself! Suggest IC for him. Know that you are at war and accept from the beginning that you can't easily win, but fight for yourself and what you believe in/ want, but be prepared to lose. You are important, this is your life. Stuff happens, choose your side and what you believe in and fight smart. I'm sure whatever you choose will be best for you!

 

Best of luck to you! IWWH

 

 

 

 

Thank you for this. Yes, I've been reading about the "fog." Interesting. Why do you say that long distance affairs are the worst?

 

 

My H has agreed to see the therapist together. Its fine if he lies...I get it at this point. Maybe he will feel comfortable enough to confess. I believe the ONLY way I can be with him if he has had an affair (and still it is unlikely) is if he confesses, instead of me confronting him with the hard facts. Having said that, I am going forth the the VAR this weekend. I've also planned a weekend away by myself in 2 weeks. When I go I will put some VARs in areas where he uses his phone. I assume if he is having a phone affair, he'll be excited to have me go away so he can chat it up.

[SamSam68]

Yes, and I for one would be far more afraid of verbally confronting my husband and possibly instigating a big showdown as oposed to going to my local big box store and quietly purchasing a small device. But, to each his own.

 

 

 

Mmm hmm. Why do I get the feeling come Monday some catastrophe/incident/family emergency will have prevented her from purchasing and using the device?

 

 

 

Because that's what it seems like?

 

 

 

No one is discounting that. Some of us however, are of the opinion that it is the very things you mentioned preventing her from actually seeking and finding the truth. And honestly, who wants to help someone who won't help themselves?

 

 

 

That's a sweet sentiment but bear in mind, not everyone has the saintly patience to sit around repeating the same (salient) advice and still be met with reasons why said advice cannot be followed at this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

LH, I don't quite understand why your responses are so riddled with anger. A possibly betrayed spouse doesn't really need advice couched with insults and impatience. I get your message...but it would be better received with some civility.