emotional affair close to wedding date

[Tbisb74]

Sit. Stop. Breathe. Close everything "outside of yourself" out and just focus on you, how you feel, and where you are sat. Take a few deep breaths, eyes shut.

Blank everything off, and assess how you feel about this right now.

Now ask yourself: "Can I see me standing at an altar, feeling the way I feel?"

Then, whatever conclusion you may come to, work with that.

[CarrieT]

Keep venting here. A lot of us have been in very similar circumstances.

 

Just before a wedding/marriage, a person (either bride or groom) should be over the moon in anticipation of bonding with the mate they are going to spend the rest of their life with.

 

The fact that your fiancé has reached out and bonded with someone other than you is telling on so many levels. In many ways, it bodes well for you that it happened now, before the wedding, than after when you'd have to deal with marital counseling or a possible divorce proceedings.

[lolablue17]

. I found out about this about 36 hours ago. I have no one to talk to in this city and that's why I reached out to you guys. I know I have to make my decision very shortly. And I know where I'm leaning heavily.

 

No, don't take a hasty decision.

Just postpone the wedding.

It's totally reversible with no efforts.

Why are you forcing yourself to decide in such stressful schedule?

[daisydook]

As someone, who was with my ex for 9 years, who was cheated on and called off my wedding 3 months to the day, YES, YOU CAN. Pfffffffft. Screw her, Bro. Do not listen to that BS. She is scrambling and doesn't want to lose what she has been building and is now basically blackmailing you into this because it is too late not to go through with it? Tell her you're really sorry she cheated and you guys wasted a lot of money on prepping this wedding.

 

Last time I checked, in a practical world, and in a realistic world, nothing is official until you sign those papers, Dude. So, you could call it off right up to the minute you sign. Screw her nonsense.

 

I am a woman. 30. Cheated on after 9 years together and 3 years engaged... we had lived together for many years prior, and also owned our first home together. We were trying for a baby, and we had sent our invitations out, I had purchased my dress, most things were arranged, down payments made, etc. We lost a lot of money. What I didn't lose? I lost my whole world. At that point, money meant about nothing to me.

 

I think more than the cheating, the "it is too late to call off our wedding, so you HAVE to marry me, even though I cheated on you," bothers me the most.

 

Not only did I call off my wedding. I called off our life together. I left him, and NEVER looked back. 9 years and I was reduced to that? No thanks. All to screw around on me with someone who meant nothing to him? Nothing. Literally nothing. Of course he told her he loved her. Then threw her under the bus. Hear that OWs?? Normal.

 

I mean, he could have at least cheated with a hot bomb shell, who was amazing, and I may even understand cheating, if he was trying to leave me for her, because he loved her. Cake Eater. He just wanted to have a wife and a girlfriend. I am not here to stand in the way of love and if they wanted to be together, I was not opposed to it. I told them both that. They were never together after DDay. So, yes, you can. I did. It is possible. What offended me the most was he cheated with someone he didnt even care about

 

People who cheat, and say "deal with it" are *******s. Leave them. Be with someone who cares about you more. Even after 8 years together, please know, this is NOT worth the pain. I promise.

 

I am 18 months out from DDay, and moved out on my own. I had never been alone. I met him as a teenager, was 28 when I found myself single, and living alone for the first time in my life. It was scary as hell. He was the only life I knew. I mean, we grew up together, learning, playing, fighting, and growing. He was my best friend and my lover. He was everything to me. Towards the end, we did a lot of fighting as well, and only now, I know it was because he was internally conflicted with his actions. He still to this day has not forgiven himself and I still to this day have not done so either. It keeps me on my toes, keeps him gone, and keeps my heart safe from him.

 

Please trust me when I say it is possible. You CAN do this. You DON'T NEED to go forward marrying someone, simply because it is too close to call it off. Fix the problems, then get married. I guarantee if you gave it another few years, you would probably feel differently about marrying her altogether.

 

YES YOU CAN CALL OF YOUR WEDDING DAY. IT IS YOURS! If she wants to be a bitch, tell her she can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Tell her you don't want to get married, think you really need time to work through this and maybe one day revisit marriage, but that this changed things for you, (whether you stay or leave her.) Remind her SHE cheated. Not you! Also, remind her that when and if you do call off your wedding, it is actually her own damn doing, and that had she not cheated on you, you wouldn't be having this issue, or this conversation. Remind her she is mad at herself, not you. It is HER problem. SHE cheated. SHE needs to deal with the outcome of her behaviour. Remind her, it is her fault she isn't getting married. Do not own her guilt.

 

If she wants to be an *******, you can call off your wedding and let the world know WHY, or you can do things nicely, call off the wedding and tell people you just aren't ready for marriage yet. Give her two options. I chose to leave the world out of it and chose to just tell people we called off our wedding mutually. I did not want to be a bitch, although I threatened him with it telling him we can do it nicely, or I can tell everyone exactly why we called off our wedding. I am sure your fiance wouldn't want the world knowing she cheated on you, and you had every right to call off your wedding.

 

You can make more money. You can also find a woman who doesnt cheat on you. Probably with someone completely meaningless.

[daisydook]

Also, in order to call off my wedding, I pulled all my girlfriends together for some help. It was too painful to discuss with every single person we invited (well over 200 guests, I might add,) and they offered to help and make some phone calls to people we had invited as well. They actually made a lot of my phone calls and explained it was just hard for me to be talking about it right now. Most people understood why my best friend called instead, you know? We left out the details, however, most people were shocked, said they were very sorry, and hoped we were both okay.

 

It MAY have something to do why I am not huge on marriage anymore.

 

If you leave, the pain is intense and unbearable. If you stay, the pain may even be more unbearable. Please lean on friends at the moment. I would personally not go through with this, but as I said above, I left my ex for cheating, and perhaps I am biased. No children. Not married yet. Didnt do it.

[HereNorThere]

She's calling it a "friendship". That's why I put it in quotation marks. She called him "munchkin" in a skype chat she initiated. She was having an emotional affair with this guy for over a month. The whole time she was doing this with him our relationship was falling apart. I now realize that the doubts I was having were rooted in this affair that I didn't know was happening. She was not happy with me for the past month and I wasn't happy with her. I know my unhappiness with her was directly related to what she was doing behind my back. That had an impact on how we were relating to one another. But to my mistaken knowledge, we were simultaneously trying to work through this "rough patch".

 

I know all to well I need to make this decision. I found out about this about 36 hours ago. I have no one to talk to in this city and that's why I reached out to you guys. I know I have to make my decision very shortly. And I know where I'm leaning heavily.

 

OP understands the concept of cognitive dissonance and the lengths people will go to to justify and rationalize their actions when they do not line up with their personal moral code of conduct. That alone gives me a little more faith that he'll make the right decision in the end. He understands human behavior more than the average poster.

[veggirl]

You can't live your life for other people. You will be miserable forever if you try. So what if people think oddly of you for calling off your wedding? Would you rather deal with the embarrassment for a few weeks or a lifetime of misery and constant questioning? This is your LIFE you are gambling. you have to do what makes you happy, what brings you peace. Does this "woman" bring those things to your life?

 

I think you'd be surprised at how supportive and understanding the people you are worried about upsetting will be when they find out you are in pain and calling off the wedding FOR GOOD REASON.

[beach]

She's calling it a "friendship". That's why I put it in quotation marks. She called him "munchkin" in a skype chat she initiated. She was having an emotional affair with this guy for over a month. The whole time she was doing this with him our relationship was falling apart. I now realize that the doubts I was having were rooted in this affair that I didn't know was happening. She was not happy with me for the past month and I wasn't happy with her. I know my unhappiness with her was directly related to what she was doing behind my back. That had an impact on how we were relating to one another. But to my mistaken knowledge, we were simultaneously trying to work through this "rough patch".

 

I know all to well I need to make this decision. I found out about this about 36 hours ago. I have no one to talk to in this city and that's why I reached out to you guys. I know I have to make my decision very shortly. And I know where I'm leaning heavily.

 

Life is too short to spend every day wondering IF she capable of being faithful - or IF she may continue to flirt, cheat and lie to your face.

 

She pretended to work on your relationship knowing full well that she was participating with the other dude and betraying you while she did that.

 

Her ethics, integrity and morals have no substance - which means she's not worthy of marriage.

 

When a person in any relationship is doing harm to the R and other person they are with = that is not love. It's betrayal and lies.

 

How can you expect to build any R on betrayal and lies?

 

Let her go so she can go cheat on someone else.

 

You're in for a lifetime of pain if you choose to M her! Yes, you do have choices, choose wisely.

[Try]

She's been planning a wedding for a year but she's expressed her reservations about it.

Even if she did not have another man in her life, that right there would be enough not to go through with the marriage.

 

But she says it's too late to call it off.

Her saying that it is "too late to call it off", as the main reason for not calling it off, shows you just how weak her commitment to you is on this marriage. With you back in town, and the wedding so close, this should be one of the happiest times in your life. The fact that it is clearly not, does not bode well for the two of you staying married long term. Trust me when I say that over the course of a marriage, there will be much harder times then the months before your marriage, where children, health issues, and money issues will really test your marriage.

 

Again, she is playing you. She wants you to call off the marriage without you telling everyone about the other man being in her life, so that you will be the heartless bastard and she will be the victim. She wants your shared group of family and friends to be on her side when she introduces them to the other man. This way rather than giving the other man the cold shoulder when they meet him, they will be happy that she rebounded from your cruel dumping of her almost at the alter, and be giving you the cold shoulder (as the bad guy).

Edited July 27, 2014 by Try

[mikethemechanic]

How about journaling?

[The_Middleman]

You realize that when you call off the wedding that you have to tell everyone that you found out she was having an affair and you need to be able to support it with the evidence you've uncovered. You can't just call this off and tell everyone that you guys had second thoughts. You have to expose this.

[troubadour]

You realize that when you call off the wedding that you have to tell everyone that you found out she was having an affair and you need to be able to support it with the evidence you've uncovered. You can't just call this off and tell everyone that you guys had second thoughts. You have to expose this.

 

 

This is absolutely ludicrous and illustrates how worthless internet advice can be.

 

The OP can call off the wedding without telling anyone why he is doing it. It's his life and he can do whatever he wants.

[tom670]

This is absolutely ludicrous and illustrates how worthless internet advice can be.

 

The OP can call off the wedding without telling anyone why he is doing it. It's his life and he can do whatever he wants.

 

Is there a problem with telling the truth with you?

I'm sorry you feel that way but I have something it's called self respect you may want to look into the concept.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is there a problem with telling the truth with you?

I'm sorry you feel that way but I have something it's called self respect you may want to look into the concept.

Once you've been here a while longer you may find it's possible to disagree without insulting other posters...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jackslife]

You realize that when you call off the wedding that you have to tell everyone that you found out she was having an affair and you need to be able to support it with the evidence you've uncovered. You can't just call this off and tell everyone that you guys had second thoughts. You have to expose this.

 

He can call the wedding off if he wants to. He doesn't have to give a reason. Daisydooks excellent post shows that.

[daisydook]

You realize that when you call off the wedding that you have to tell everyone that you found out she was having an affair and you need to be able to support it with the evidence you've uncovered. You can't just call this off and tell everyone that you guys had second thoughts. You have to expose this.

 

Why in God's name would he have to tell everyone with evidence? Bogus. No. He can tell people whatever his little heart desires. I had roughly 300 people coming to my my wedding. You bet your butt I called everyone. What wasn't everyone's business was why. They didn't even ask, and anyone who did know what happened, knew I didn't "have to" tell anyone anything.

 

No. Wrong. False. No he does not have to.

[d0nnivain]

This whole situation is bad enough.

 

Nobody owes their guests an explanation as to why the wedding was called off. The guests simply need to be informed that they now have the date free so they can go about trying to get their money back for hotel reservations, gifts, airline tickets etc.

 

Airing all this dirty laundry in public in punitive, & the OP is not obligated to do that. "We had second thoughts" should be enough of an explanation.

 

Even giving the FI the benefit of the doubt that this is a "friendship" & not a physical affair, the doubts plus her emotional connection to another man is reason enough but it doesn't merit public shaming. Him taking the high road also shows his superior character.

[Buckeye2]

The problem is that I don't know what happened. Either way, I can't trust what she tells me.

 

 

She's claiming that I didn't want this anyway, that I'm throwing it away over a "friendship" she had. She oscillates between guilt for how she betrayed our relationship and minimizing the gravity of her actions. That makes me realize that she'll never change.

 

Do not get sucked into an argument as to if it was an EA or a PA. The point is that you will never know the truth for certain because she lies.

 

If you tell the wedding guests anything tell them that you are calling it off because she had what she calls a "friendship" with another man and lied about it.

 

Maybe it was just an EA but this “friendship” crap is just a way to avoid the fact that she lied. A PA is more likely and you were not getting along anyway. Use the fact that she lied and RUN!

 

You are throwing it away over a "friendship" she had with another man and lied about."

Edited July 28, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Chi townD]

This is absolutely ludicrous and illustrates how worthless internet advice can be.

 

The OP can call off the wedding without telling anyone why he is doing it. It's his life and he can do whatever he wants.

 

 

 

 

If it's worthless advice, then what the hell are you doing here?

[Buckeye2]

She's been "hanging out" with a guy from work, going to lunches, having coffee and going for drives, for the past month. She told me she confides in him about our relationship.

 

 

She tried to justify what she did by arguing that her sister once confided in another man.

 

Ask her if her sister went to lunches, had coffee and went of drives with the man she confided in. Then ask her if her sister lied about it.

[tom670]

Okay of course he has a choice.

If her parents paid a portion of the wedding I would inform them why it is cancelled.

As to others it is up to him but if they ask I would give the reason why.

That's all.

It's a bad situation that he did not create.

[daisydook]

Okay of course he has a choice.

If her parents paid a portion of the wedding I would inform them why it is cancelled.

As to others it is up to him but if they ask I would give the reason why.

That's all.

It's a bad situation that he did not create.

 

I will reiterate my point again. If your stupid ass son, brother, nephew, grandchild cheated on me, and I call off our wedding, HE can god damn well explain to HIS family why I LEFT HIM. HE WASTED THEIR MONEY AND OWES THEM AN EXPLANATION. I, SIR, DO NOT!

 

If her parents paid a portion of the wedding, I guess SHE has a lot of explaining to do as to why SHE WASTED SO MUCH OF THEIR MONEY!!!!

[Chi townD]

I will reiterate my point again. If your stupid ass son, brother, nephew, grandchild cheated on me, and I call off our wedding, HE can god damn well explain to HIS family why I LEFT HIM. HE WASTED THEIR MONEY AND OWES THEM AN EXPLANATION. I, SIR, DO NOT!

 

If her parents paid a portion of the wedding, I guess SHE has a lot of explaining to do as to why SHE WASTED SO MUCH OF THEIR MONEY!!!!

 

 

 

okay.....chill.....decaf!!!!

[tom670]

Expecting a cheater to tell the truth is a stretch don't you think?

[mikethemechanic]

But what about journaling?