emotional affair close to wedding date

[TheBladeRunner]

Hey OP: been down the isle twice, both times wound up in "D" because of their affairs.

 

XW #1: Complete and utter cheating before we were married, broke it off numerous times, she says she's ready for commitment and it will change. Guess what? I go out of town for work, she get's pregnant by my buddy/her co-worker. I chose her KNOWING what she was capable of....shame on her, but even more shame on me because I knew better.

 

XW #2: Together almost 2 years and I find out DAYS before a massive wedding we planned she is still in contact with her D-Bag XBF that abused her and even had her locked up....yup...stupid, stupid, stupid me STILL forgives and marries her. In the end I discover she is still in contact with this maggot!

 

If they cheat before marriage, they will more than likely cheat after ESPECIALLY if they know YOU know and you choose to forgive.

 

All I can say is RUUUUUUUN Forrest.......RUUUUUUN! You dodged a bullet!

 

Forgiveness is a requirement for me, but don't be an idiot like me. "When you go to bed with a whore, guess what? That's what you wake up with!"

 

All my fault, I own it all because I knew and still married them anyway; dumb, dumb, dumb!

Edited July 25, 2014 by TheBladeRunner
spelling

[lolablue17]

All of your family and friends - not even one of them wants you to marry a girl if you're not 100% sure you want to spend the rest your life with!

 

If you marry her anyway - you will hurt all of those family and friends because they're counting on you to make good decisions for your happiness.

 

So please do everybody a favor and cancel (with the excuse of "postponing" to an unknown date - they will understand the meaning of it)

It's very simple.

 

After a few month you'll be able to say "hello" to her without feeling any inconvenience.(at family meetings)

[changchewsoon]

Sorry this happened to you, but I agree with the rest of the posters here.

 

You need to call off the wedding. You just dodged a bullet, and honestly this is really a blessing in disguise.

 

I am pretty sure she and the other guy definitely have more going on than just meeting up for lunches and talk.

 

Yes, I know you must be feeling horrible right now. Have you ever consider exposing her? With this when you call off the wedding you won't be branded an a**hole as people will see her real colours and why you called it off.

 

Be strong, and take good care of your health. Get yourself tested for STD also.

[tom670]

All of your family and friends - not even one of them wants you to marry a girl if you're not 100% sure you want to spend the rest your life with!

 

If you marry her anyway - you will hurt all of those family and friends because they're counting on you to make good decisions for your happiness.

 

So please do everybody a favor and cancel (with the excuse of "postponing" to an unknown date - they will understand the meaning of it)

It's very simple.

 

After a few month you'll be able to say "hello" to her without feeling any inconvenience.(at family meetings)

 

By all means let close friends and family know why you are calling it off.

You did nothing wrong but trust the wrong person.

[Smilecharmer]

Would you buy a car knowing it was faulty? Use common sense here. Past behavior is a huge indicator of future behavior. Your fiancé is a cheater. If they are meeting and talking about you, they are kissing, making out and banging. Look up trickle truth, no cheater tells the entire truth in the beginning.

[drifter777]

Life is really hard and marriage is even harder. If you both are not 100% (at least 90% ) right now then the chances your marriage will succeed are near zero.

 

Women "manage" their romantic relationships to varying degrees. They often withhold the truth (lie) to their SO so as to protect them or they don't think he needs to know, etc. etc. I'm not saying men don't lie - but they don't actively manage their relationships to the extent women do. In your case your fiance is clearly managing you. She wants you and she wants the other guy just in case. In case of what? Who knows, she just loves being desired by men and is eating all this up with a spoon.

 

She is managing you by her behavior and will try lots of things and finally stick with something that seems to be working. She was insulted you suspected her and called you crazy. That didn't work so she switched tactics and told you as little as possible and hoped you would just say "damn you - this has to stop" and then go from there. When you held your ground she tried to scare you by the threat of calling off the wedding. That's why she said "well, you have to call it off". She could bring it up to scare you with but not say it out loud herself. That didn't work either and I imagine she began to panic. She wants security with you and passion with someone else and now it looks like that's going to be ruined. So now comes the "devastation" act - complete with tears and apologies and promises that she learned her lesson and will never fail again.

 

Just know that you are still being played and act accordingly. Marrying a known cheater could be the biggest mistake you will ever make.

[Readsalone]

I have an update:

 

She and I were talking this afternoon. She was on her laptop signed into her work communicator. All of a sudden the guy signed in. I told her to go ahead and have a conversation with him in front of me. I got her to call him "munchkin" as she did in the skype message. He just said "hey, how's it going".

 

She told him that I know "about stuff". He replied: "What stuff?...that we talk?". She told him she's sorry she ever talked to him about our relationship and that I felt betrayed. He then called me "insecure" and tried to convince her that what they were doing was not a big deal, that they were only friends.

 

She then told him that it was inappropriate and she feels very guilty. He then had to go and he cut the conversation off rather coldly. She now believes that he wasn't really a friend but had other motives.

 

She's been crying and saying how sorry she is all day. I really doubt that it went further than an emotional affair, but it could very well have if I didn't catch it (by accident) when I did.

[TheWalkingDead]

Dude....here are the steps you need to take:

 

1.). RUN AWAY!!!!

 

2.). Don't look back.

 

3.). If she is chasing you, run harder.

 

 

Call it cold feet, nerves, loneliness, whatever....the other words for it are cheating, deceiving, lying, and this final one....10000%-stone-cold-lock-guaranteed-to-DESTROY-you-down-road. Look what forum you posted in....you already know what it is.

 

More people than not will cheat at some point....people are thoughtless predators. But if she cheated BEFORE YOU ARE MARRIED you have the knowledge that she WILL cheat you again at some point. RUN AWAY. Run Away. Run. Away. run away.

 

Please, man...for all of us who have lost it all to this nonsense, run away!

[Clay]

I honestly think if you stop and look how things would be if the shoe was on the other foot. Lets say you were the one having the EA and she caught you. Do you really think she would still want to keep things going. What do you think her family would say. She chose to let this guy into her personal life. What seriously makes you think she wont do this again with a different guy. I totally understand having serious thoughts about trying to fix things but lets get one thing clear people that cheat, cheat because there is something seriously wrong with them. You can not fix her and nothing you can do will ever help her stop. You can think you can all you want but in the end you will just waste more time with her. She needs to start counseling for herself and I would start separating myself from her If I was you.

 

Clay

[Readsalone]

This is going nowhere. You should have heard alarm bells ringing loud and clear when the first suggestion of cancelling the wedding arose. That, there and then, should have been ample warning that all was not well.

You call it off, but you tell her that you will not be the fall-guy for this, and even though it's nobody else's business what happens, if people poke you hard enough in the chest with accusations as to why and how you could be so heartless, cruel or callous, then you will not lie for her. You will simply tell people that it was through joint misgivings and agreement, but also through her enjoying the constant company of some other guy she called 'Munchkins'.

This is not your fault. But 8 years is a long time to become complacent and get into a habit, or a rut. And I hate to tell you, but she sought attention - welcome attention - through the attention she was not getting from you. I know it's cliché, but women like romance, gestures, loving tokens of affection; flowers, little gifts. it's how we thrive, many of us. We like the little things that say "I may not always show it, but I love you, care for you and am happy you're in my life."

This kind of 'attention -

 

 

 

Can be supplied by a parent, sibling or the family dog.

Loving, intimate partners do it differently.

I'm not suggesting you are the guilty party here. But you mention she probably got bored. You have to ask yourself why. In all these situations there's always far more than meets the eye. 8 years don't just get ironed out on two pages of forum posts.

But yes. Cancel the wedding.

And both of you have some very serious thinking to do.

Go to Counselling. If nothing else it will un-muddy the waters and bring you to a level understanding.

Tbisb74

 

Thanks for this message. It seems to me to be one of the most insightful.

 

Since you picked up on the romance part, I should clarify some things. I'm not into buying gifts because I don't like the idea of commodified gifts such as cards, flowers, and so on. In other words, when I say I'm not into gifts I mean mass-produced commodities that many people somehow think are unique when we buy them or give them as gifts. I learned how to sew last fall and took months to make her a down-filled sleeping bag for our trip to the Andes. I was in the process of finishing up making her wedding band by hand until I found this out. Just looking back on my messages to her in the past few months and we were both using pet names with each other. We talk a lot about our relationship. If she was bored with me, then she didn't tell me and I cannot seriously blame myself for that. I think perhaps she found that she had more in common with the people (and that guy) at her work.

 

I know I can't blame myself for what she did here but there are degrees of responsibility. So I don't think it's as simple as some of the other posters seem to think (dump her! don't look back! run! and so on). It's a complicated mess. But I thank everyone for their input nonetheless.

[TheBladeRunner]

I have an update:

 

She and I were talking this afternoon. She was on her laptop signed into her work communicator. All of a sudden the guy signed in. I told her to go ahead and have a conversation with him in front of me. I got her to call him "munchkin" as she did in the skype message. He just said "hey, how's it going".

 

She told him that I know "about stuff". He replied: "What stuff?...that we talk?". She told him she's sorry she ever talked to him about our relationship and that I felt betrayed. He then called me "insecure" and tried to convince her that what they were doing was not a big deal, that they were only friends.

 

She then told him that it was inappropriate and she feels very guilty. He then had to go and he cut the conversation off rather coldly. She now believes that he wasn't really a friend but had other motives.

 

She's been crying and saying how sorry she is all day. I really doubt that it went further than an emotional affair, but it could very well have if I didn't catch it (by accident) when I did.

 

OP: If you are buying ANY of this and you go through with the marriage you deserve what you get. She has a "pet name" for him? Sorry, but this is more than likely anything but harmless.

 

Do what you want, but we have those "gut feelings" for a reason. Who cares what anyone thinks if you call it off. I had these same bad experiences before marrying BOTH XW's and it has cost me dearly. F$%# her and her crocodile tears; she's just pissed because she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.....that's how all cheaters react.

Edited July 25, 2014 by TheBladeRunner

[Tbisb74]

I completely get your take on the commercialism behind the romantic. 14th February makes me heave, and how many times has anyone heard the phrase "Christmas has lost its meaning" while all around us, people are queuing for the New Year sales? However, 2 things: One, simply because you feel this way about the commerce and the hype, doesn't mean she may always agree with you. She may say she does, but you know, the occasional "blank for your own message" card, or unexpected posy of flowers may still make her heart flip, secretly. While your hand-made gestures are actually, really thoughtful and kind, it's the on-impulse things that can render us (mercifully?!) speechless, for a precious moment. Secondly, simply because you don't agree, or like the commercial aspect, is no reason to therefore not do something and make an effort. Sure, you don't like the cheesy paper hearts and the red balloons. So do something 'instead of' not 'don't bother at all'. The gifts you made for her, had a purpose, a function. They were/are practical and had a use. The whole point of romance is that it has no rhyme or reason. You do things simply because.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do here, or that what you did was wrong. I'm giving you insight into the complex mind that is the female of the species.

In summary, when you're doing something for the gal, it's not about what works for you as a gesture. it's what works for her. It's not, "I think this would be really nice" but "I hope she thinks this is wonderful".....

[HereNorThere]

I have an update:

 

She and I were talking this afternoon. She was on her laptop signed into her work communicator. All of a sudden the guy signed in. I told her to go ahead and have a conversation with him in front of me. I got her to call him "munchkin" as she did in the skype message. He just said "hey, how's it going".

 

She told him that I know "about stuff". He replied: "What stuff?...that we talk?". She told him she's sorry she ever talked to him about our relationship and that I felt betrayed. He then called me "insecure" and tried to convince her that what they were doing was not a big deal, that they were only friends.

 

She then told him that it was inappropriate and she feels very guilty. He then had to go and he cut the conversation off rather coldly. She now believes that he wasn't really a friend but had other motives.

 

She's been crying and saying how sorry she is all day. I really doubt that it went further than an emotional affair, but it could very well have if I didn't catch it (by accident) when I did.

 

 

So isn't this an admission? By her own standards it was "inappropriate" but what's inappropriate about having a platonic work friend? Why would someone feel inappropriate about opposite sex work friend and lie about it?

I work with a plethora of women who are my friends and they would never hide it from their husbands. Hell, some of their husbands actually call me for computer advice from time to time. There's complete transparency and trust because we aren't hiding anything. If one of them were to ask me about my friendship with their wife, I'd gladly offer up any information to them that I could to reassure them, not call them insecure.

 

Red flags buddy, red flags.

 

Plus, he's not going anywhere anytime soon. They work together so you'll have to 110% trust in her going forward because there is NO way you are going to be able to verify what they do at work. Also, do you think either one of them are going to discuss anything like that over work messenger? I'd be looking gtalk, facebook, etc not their work communication.

 

Your story is sounding more and more like every other story on here. Trickle truth, gas-lighting, just a friend, etc. Remember, you had to catch her just to get this far, keep digging.

Edited July 25, 2014 by HereNorThere

[CarrieT]

You didn't indicate how soon the wedding is imminent and there is no shame in postponing until you have worked through this issue.

 

If you have an inkling of doubt, you don't need to go through the ceremony.

[HereNorThere]

Yup, just the crying alone indicates something bigger to me. I think most innocent people would be defensive, not feeling guilty and crying.

 

Crying huh, yup, breaking up is hard to do. Hopefully it's genuine and last, but he spends more time with you than her, so it's going to be one hard competition.

[Try]

she cracked and confessed. She's been "hanging out" with a guy from work, going to lunches, having coffee and going for drives, for the past month.

What she admitted to doing with this other man is called dating.

 

She told me she confides in him about our relationship.

This is her letting him know that he is not wasting his time dating her because her relationship with you is not solid. By doing this she was also giving this other man home field advantage where he knows all of your weaknesses and issues, that he can use against you, while you did not even know that he existed in her life, much less that your relationship was under attack by him. She has it backwards. As the man in her life that she was going to marry, she should have been confiding in you about the other man.

 

I obviously can't prove my other suspicions, and at this point I don't care.

According to the MSNBC.com/iVillage Lust, Love & Loyalty survey, the majority of cheaters have affairs without their spouse even having a clue that it happened. The survey stated that “Few cheaters — only 2 percent — were busted in the act. And even when confronted with a partner's suspicions, only 6 percent of both men and women confessed to having an affair.” In other words, the odds of her admitting the full extend of the affair are very small. The fact that you were even suspicious put you way ahead of most.

 

Do not marry her right now. Delay the marriage and tell everyone why. After she has had a chance to put the spin on you being the bad guy in the breakup, and she will, it will be too late for you to undo this. Do not tell her that you are going to tell everyone why you broke up with her, just do it. Tell them that you discovered that she has been seeing another man behind your back that she calls by a pet name, and has been discussing with him what should be confidential issue in your relationship. Tell them that you are delaying the wedding until she makes up her mind that she wants to be exclusive with you, and really wants to commit to the wedding vows, especially the part where she is suppose to "forsaking all others". Do not get drawn into a proof game that you cannot win. Just tell everyone that you would not be delaying the wedding if you did not know what you were talking about. Tell them that she knows the truth about her relationship with the other man, and it is up to her to decide if she wants to be honest to them about it.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Try

[Mr. Lucky]

By all means let close friends and family know why you are calling it off.

You did nothing wrong but trust the wrong person.

Disagree, it's nobody else's business. Be a gentleman and the better and bigger person and, when asked, simply say "it didn't work out"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Awesome]

Hi,

 

I have no one to turn to. I'm not really close enough with family members to tell them of my situation and I live very far from my closest friends. And I don't want to bother them with my problem since I have the anonymity of the internet, for now.

 

Here's what happened: I have been with my fiance for 8 years. We've had some really good times but there were also a lot of rough times with heated arguments and sometimes even name calling. Two years ago she moved to a new city for a good job. I've been continuing with school, living with her most of the time, but I recently had to go back to the city where my university is for four months. We seen each other 2 times for a week at a time in that four months.

 

Since I got back to the city where she works, she and I have been having trouble in our relationship. We haven't been having heated fights. We've both matured a lot in recent years. But we have been openly talking about calling off the wedding. We both have been questioning whether we are happy in this. She's been planning a wedding for a year but she's expressed her reservations about it. I have reservations as well. But she says it's too late to call it off.

 

Here's the punch line: Today I went to sign into skype and her account was open and I noticed right away that she wrote "hi munchkin!" to some guy from her work. There was no other conversation. I confronted her that I had knowledge about something, I didn't tell her the source or what I knew. She called me crazy and paranoid. After about an hour of my silence she cracked and confessed. She's been "hanging out" with a guy from work, going to lunches, having coffee and going for drives, for the past month. She told me she confides in him about our relationship. I obviously can't prove my other suspicions, and at this point I don't care. I feel betrayed as it is.

 

It's now weeks from the wedding date. After she confessed she said that there's no way she's calling off the wedding. I will have to do it myself. I will have to call off a wedding that she's been planning for a year, just weeks before the date. From the reservations we were both having in the past month or so, to her newly discovered emotional affair, I can't marry this woman. If I call it off I will be branded the a**hole. I don't think people will believe me and I don't want to even tell people why I'm ending it.

 

I look forward to hearing your advice.

 

I'm getting married very soon. I've told him multiple times that at any point before we do it, if he has doubts and wants to call it off, he should. I've told him we could be in front of the judge in the middle of the damn thing, and he should still speak up if he wants to stop.

 

In fact, there was a point at which he started having doubts and told me he wanted to wait - and while it was very scary and hard to hear, I was so glad he was honest with me. Who in their right mind wants to marry someone who doesn't want to get married?

 

Now, I understand that calling off a small legal ceremony is very different than calling off a wedding that's been in the works for a year, but I think the same principal stands. What I'm trying to get at is that if she wanted to get married for the right reasons, she would be ok with you calling it off. That sounds contradictory, but if she loves you, then she should want you to be happy and sure that you want to marry her before you do it.

 

Also, dealing with the repercussions of calling it off is going to be much easier than dealing with the repercussions of marrying someone you don't want to marry.

 

People may look at you sideways, but it's like I've always figured: I know what's true. The people who really care about me will come to me for the truth (or, in a situation like this, will respect my boundaries). And f**k the rest. The people who want to make assumptions and pass judgment are people I don't need to deal with.

 

As for not wanting to tell people, that's your choice. By announcing a wedding, you've sort of invited people into your relationship. That means people are going to have questions when you call it off, but I think there are lots of situations in which people invite others to share in their good news, but then things take a turn for the worse. If people have any sense of etiquette, they realize that it's no longer a time to involve a lot of other people. What I mean is that celebrations are for lots of people, while more somber occasions, maybe involving grief, for example, are only for those closely involved. Just stand strong in your desire not to talk about it. Remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation, and tactfully decline to share.

[Try]

Disagree, it's nobody else's business. Be a gentleman and the better and bigger person and, when asked, simply say "it didn't work out".

I so disagree with this bad advice. This is exactly what she wants him to do. This is a trap by his cheating fiance. She wants to end the engagement, but wants him to take the blame. After 8 years together, they share family and friends. If he says that "it didn't work out" like you suggest, without telling them the truth as to why he broke it off, he will be made out to be the a**hole bad guy outcast in this group, and she will be made out to be the poor victim. Worse yet, while he will be made the outcast, the snake in the grass other man will become the good guy insider among many of these same family and friends.

 

I do not understand the logic behind this take the fall for the cheater logic that some have. Suffering in silence is not taking the higher road. Telling the truth is taking the higher road. Tell the truth without anger, and you will be the better man. Please remember that as the cheater she already has a new lover to take the place of the OP, and will have his support. On the other hand, since the OP did not cheat, he has no one lined up, and will be alone when he ends the engagement. He will need the support of family and friends more than the cheater and her snake in the grass new man.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Try

[lolablue17]

If you have doubts - For this you have the option to postpone the wedding until you clarify your thoughts.

 

(P.S. I don't buy the accidental Conversation. It seems staged)

Edited July 26, 2014 by lolablue17

[TheWalkingDead]

(P.S. I don't buy the accidental Conversation. It seems staged)

 

EXACTLY RIGHT! Totally staged....this is a predatory world, and if you aren't wise you get eaten. She is playing big time.

[Readsalone]

Don't worry, I was thinking the same thing - that she contacted him prior to that conversation. The problem is that I don't know what happened. Either way, I can't trust what she tells me.

 

It's sad. She definitely felt guilty all day yesterday and this morning when she woke up. But now she is downplaying it. She's claiming that I didn't want this anyway, that I'm throwing it away over a "friendship" she had. She oscillates between guilt for how she betrayed our relationship and minimizing the gravity of her actions. She tried to justify what she did by arguing that her sister once confided in another man. That makes me realize that she'll never change.

 

However, it's not just about her never changing. I understand that people need to tell themselves certain stories to get through trauma (religion, in part, is a grand narrative told in cultures that presents the miseries of human life as bearable). The way in which she rationalizes her actions is also a story she needs to tell herself to get through this. I know that deep down she blames herself. But she'll need to tell herself that I had a hand to play in leading her into the emotional comfort of this other man.

 

As long as I continue to realize that she had the choice not to do it, then I'll be fine. Obviously our relationship had its problems. Unbeknownst to me until now, the deterioration of our marriage in the past month was directly related to her emotional affair. Her choice to step outside of it and confide in another man was entirely hers.

[d0nnivain]

If you both hadn't already had doubts about the wisdom of marrying, this friendship if that's all it was (& I'm not saying I think it was platonic only) wouldn't be derailing your plans.

 

 

Have you officially called it off yet? You really need to made a decision before people get on planes & when they can still return any gifts they got you so you don't have spend time sending the wedding gifts back.

[TheWalkingDead]

She's claiming that I didn't want this anyway, that I'm throwing it away over a "friendship" she had.

 

It is called "gas lighting". Usually it means doing thing to make someone think they are losing their sanity, but I think it can also mean shifting blame.

 

Run, run, RUN AWAY! It sounds like you've figured out she'll never change....now you just have to decide that you will change.

[Readsalone]

If you both hadn't already had doubts about the wisdom of marrying, this friendship if that's all it was (& I'm not saying I think it was platonic only) wouldn't be derailing your plans.

 

Have you officially called it off yet? You really need to made a decision before people get on planes & when they can still return any gifts they got you so you don't have spend time sending the wedding gifts back.

 

She's calling it a "friendship". That's why I put it in quotation marks. She called him "munchkin" in a skype chat she initiated. She was having an emotional affair with this guy for over a month. The whole time she was doing this with him our relationship was falling apart. I now realize that the doubts I was having were rooted in this affair that I didn't know was happening. She was not happy with me for the past month and I wasn't happy with her. I know my unhappiness with her was directly related to what she was doing behind my back. That had an impact on how we were relating to one another. But to my mistaken knowledge, we were simultaneously trying to work through this "rough patch".

 

I know all to well I need to make this decision. I found out about this about 36 hours ago. I have no one to talk to in this city and that's why I reached out to you guys. I know I have to make my decision very shortly. And I know where I'm leaning heavily.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Readsalone
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