The journey continues...

[thefooloftheyear]

This thread will primarily be my quest log of trying to date again. A public journal of sorts.

 

My ultimate goal is to get a girlfriend by the end of the year. It will be something that I'm going to put a lot of work into. Hopefully that work and effort will turn into results.

 

Right now I have a minor goal of losing as much weight and looking as good as I can before school starts in September. Of course I'll keep working on my appearance throughout the year.

 

With that thought, I had a spinach and fruit smoothie for breakfast today. I also went to the gym and had a decent upper body workout. Tomorrow I'm going to do some laps in the pool.

 

Trying to continue what I did in Cabo, I want to go out at least once a week and just be more sociable with women.

 

I went to the Salsa Club tonight and actually had a decent time. I'm definitely pushing myself to talk more to women. I actually had decent conversations with two women tonight. One girl was just wow. Super cute and very busty. She was also really friendly and I talked to her a few times and we danced a few times. I wish got to keep talking to her throughout the night but I didn't want to smother her.

 

This was her first time at the club and she was a total beginner. Almost right after we rotated and it was my turn to dance with her, she said she wanted to leave because she was feeling lost and didn't understand anything. Thankfully I was able to convince her to stay with me and I gave her a mini private lesson. I had her for 10 minutes to myself which was great and we talked about school, how she just finished pre-nursing and stuff like that. When the lesson was over I let her go. I ran into her again shortly after and we danced again, but she stopped shortly after saying that her leg was really hurting. I danced with some other girls. Then I found her once again but not wanting to smother her I asked her where her friends are and if any of them were good dancers. After I danced with her friend, I saw her dancing with a guy. I felt like I had enough fun so I took off at 10:30.

 

While I was talking to her she said that she wants to come again next week. I'll definitely be at the club next week as I want to be a regular. I'll be shocked and pleasantly surprised if she comes again. If she does come, I'm wondering if I should try to make a move on her. She's smart, super cute, and has big boobs; in my book that pretty much makes her perfect.

 

I don't know if I'll see her again so I'm trying to figure out if I should try to pick up girls I meet at the club and how to do it. Also while there is a bar, not many people seem to be having drinks; at least that's what I noticed when I was there.

 

I say you are trying to catch fish with a soccer ball amd a crescent wrench...But I dont want to be the wet blanket..

 

Try not to hurt yourself...

 

TFY

[Imported]

Yeah, I'm well aware of how important it is to be consistent in the gym and to not kill myself.

 

My original plan was to swimming today, then I realized that I'm still sore from yesterday and swimming would just suck.

 

Consistency has always been my main enemy. My goal is to hit the weights at least twice a week. It may not seem like a lot, but when I've been normally working out once a month, that's a huge change.

 

Blasphemy! Swimming is always good. I don't really get that sore anymore though and haven't for a long time. I was going to ask how many yards you did, but I guess you did none. Honestly though, I think swimming would help get rid of some of the soreness from lifting. Might be painful for the first couple hundred yards, but you'll start feeling better after 500 no doubt.

 

One thing though is chlorine stink! What I found that works very well is to mix a teaspoon or two of "Ascorbic acid" (vitamin C) in as little water as I can till it desolves, then mix that syrupe of ascorbic acid into my favorite bodywash (Irish Spring). I also put ascorbic acid in with my laundry. You can buy like 1000g of it on Amazon for cheap. Seriously, chlorine stink is hard to get rid of otherwise. Regular soap does very little to it.

[veggirl]

I think it's really mean and counter-productive for some people to come in here and start basically making fun. It's great that some peeps are amused by being jerks but it's a bit unneccesary don't ya think?

[thefooloftheyear]

I think it's really mean and counter-productive for some people to come in here and start basically making fun. It's great that some peeps are amused by being jerks but it's a bit unneccesary don't ya think?

 

 

I think whats counter productive and "mean" is blowing wind up someone's skirt...but that's me...

 

TFY

[clia]

I concur that it's great you are putting yourself out there. It sounds like a great evening.

 

She barely knows me, so I'm not sure why she would be interested.

 

Is it common to get numbers of girls you just meet?

 

It's very common, especially in the type of scenario you described. You danced with her and talked to her, so it wouldn't have been a cold ask. It would've been very natural to ask for her number. In fact, you should! I met my guy at a bar. If he hadn't asked for my number that night, I would've never seen him again.

[somedude81]

I think whats counter productive and "mean" is blowing wind up someone's skirt...but that's me...

 

TFY

 

And you think you are somehow helping?

 

If you aren't going to contribute to the thread, then don't post here. It's a simple as that.

 

That goes for everybody as well.

[somedude81]

I concur that it's great you are putting yourself out there. It sounds like a great evening.

 

 

 

It's very common, especially in the type of scenario you described. You danced with her and talked to her, so it wouldn't have been a cold ask. It would've been very natural to ask for her number. In fact, you should! I met my guy at a bar. If he hadn't asked for my number that night, I would've never seen him again.

 

Hmm, I really need to keep that in mind.

 

Honestly I was afraid that she would say "no" now, but there was a chance she could say "yes" later once she got to know me better.

 

But I have to remember that in the club situation, there is a very strong chance that I'll never see them again.

 

I'm simply not used to moving that fast.

 

One thing I'm considering is maintaining a buzz so I can remove my fears and just act. I had a beer that night but it wasn't enough to get out of my head.

Edited July 19, 2014 by somedude81

[normal person]

My ultimate goal is to get a girlfriend by the end of the year. It will be something that I'm going to put a lot of work into. Hopefully that work and effort will turn into results.

 

 

It's nice that you have a goal, but if you start attaching arbitrary time constraints to it you might be on the wrong path. You could end up with the first girl who gives you any sort of attention just to validate your own effort, whether you're conscious of it or not. Why not hold out for a girl you like across any time frame, rather than thinking you need to have one by Dec 31st? It's like a girl saying "I'm going to meet my boyfriend when I'm 24, we'll be engaged at 26 and married at 27." Life isn't so cut and dry. That's probably why the divorce rate is so high. Make it easier on yourself.

 

And don't forget to study your calculus. You've got the whole summer to work on it, you won't have any excuse for not passing.

[hasaquestion]

I'm not going to write her off just yet. When I asked her where her friend was, I took of to find her and little did I know that she actually fallowed me and introduced me to her friend and recommended me.

 

I wouldn't read that as "she's interested in you" though, especially when you have the context of the whole my-leg-hurts-then-go-dance-with-other-guys part.

 

I'd interpret her recommending you to her friends like that as a sign that she found you safe and fun. So clearly, regardless of "getting this girl", you must have been doing things right. My .02? If you go again and she's there again with friends? Go straight for the friends. First of all, that'll take the pressure off her of feeling like you were stalking her out by coming again. Then, if she endorses you to her friends ("this is ____, he's cool!") then the friends will let their guard down and you can get to know them a bit. And since she won't feel "hunted down" by you, after chilling/dancing with her friends you can hit her up again and she'll take it better.

 

Yes, I am a "personality guy." I have no foolish aspirations that women will fall for me because of my looks. That just ain't happening. Hell, my ex actually told me that my appearance was not what attracted her to me.

 

Girls need time to fall for me. That's why my main focus is on school where I get to talk to girls several times. Meeting girls and then trying to get their numbers right away is just not going to work for me.

 

Here's the thing: I get that. You see yourself as a personality-first" guy. That's legit.

 

What I take issue with, is that it sounds like you think that being a "personality-first guy" means that in your case, capturing a woman's interest will necessarily take time for them to "grow on you".

 

But that's wrong - personality can make first impressions, just like looks can.

 

Women can chime in if they want, but I'm fairly sure that's how most "personality guys" who have any success with women operate. They don't spend weeks chatting to get under someone's skin, they make a first impression with their personality - their presence, smile, sense of humor, self-assuredness, etc.

 

If you want to have a "personality-based appeal", you should be going for the immediate impression, not writing that off as some kind of privilege of the handsome.

Edited July 19, 2014 by hasaquestion

[Imported]

 

But that's wrong - personality can make first impressions, just like looks can.

 

.

 

 

If you look attractive, you can be pre-selected by women as a potential. You still usually need to talk with them. In a lot of cases, they want you to succeed with them. They are hoping that you are the guy that comes up to them.

 

 

 

 

If you're a personality guy, you're pre-selected because of your popularity with everyone in general. Other girls, guys, everyone. You're not a personality guy by yourself. Personality guys are popular and to be popular entails other people surrounding you that obviously admire, respect and like you. If you don't have that as a "personality guy" you're probably not going to be on womens radar at best and at worst they are hoping you're not the guy that comes up to them.

 

You can still go up to them and maybe your "personality" will get you through, but it's going to be an uphill battle.

[hasaquestion]

If you're a personality guy, you're pre-selected because of your popularity with everyone in general. Other girls, guys, everyone. You're not a personality guy by yourself. Personality guys are popular and to be popular entails other people surrounding you that obviously admire, respect and like you. If you don't have that as a "personality guy" you're probably not going to be on womens radar at best and at worst they are hoping you're not the guy that comes up to them.

 

You can still go up to them and maybe your "personality" will get you through, but it's going to be an uphill battle.

 

For sure. Being a "personality-first" person is something you have to cultivate by having a social presence. Trying to use personality to appeal to women, while being insular and not social, is like trying to fish without any line.

 

I'm just saying that "personality-based" attraction is just as immediate as "looks-based" attraction. And looking at the two as fundamentally different is a mistake. SD would be better served working on his first impressions than trying to grow someone into him.

[somedude81]

Bah! The first time I try to use the pool at my gym and it's closed for maintenance. Typical of my luck.

 

Personality guy:

 

Here's the thing, since I'm only 5'6, have an average face and average body, with a gut I need to get rid of, I'm not going to be winning girls over with my looks. Women aren't physically attracted to me.

 

My personality and sense of humor is the only thing I have going for me.

 

No I do not have a social presence, I'm not popular. I'm in introverted guy who has to force himself to be sociable.

 

"Trying to fish without any line" is pretty much the perfect way to describe my dating life. That is why I got my first girlfriend at 31 years old. It certainly was not from a lack of trying.

 

Attracting girls to me is fu*king hard. I have so many serious handicaps when it comes to women it's ridiculous.

 

That is why I need all the help I can get.

[KaliLove]

Great start SD! I'm glad you're putting yourself out there.

[somedude81]

how common is it for people to meet their future bf/gf, or person they end up dating, in random public places such as the mall, grocery store, coffee shop, park, public transportation, or any other public places besides the common, usual meeting in school/classroom, through mutual friends/social circle, parties, etc.?

 

Because not going out enough has been what has held me back the most

 

Wrong thread to ask questions dude.

 

Feel free to make your own thread about general dating advice.

[Imajerk17]

This is a thought related to your last night out. I want to double down on what clia said.

 

At first reading this thread I thought that girl wasn't interested but now I'm not sure. We weren't there. When she said she wanted to sit out due to "her leg" though, you should have said "That's cool, let's hang out here together and people-watch!" or something.

 

I mean, I can see what you were trying to do--which is not smother her. She indeed might have been using the leg excuse as an out. BUT from the way you described the night, I'm not positive. I don't think it was clear to her whether you were into her or just wanted to dance. A little bit of extra boldness would have helped.

 

It also would have given you a clearer sense of where you stood with her. If she demurred or tried to pawn you off to her friends after that then you'd know she wasn't interested.

 

So to sum up, you have to show direct interest and make a move.

[somedude81]

This is a thought related to your last night out. I want to double down on what clia said.

 

At first reading this thread I thought that girl wasn't interested but now I'm not sure. We weren't there. When she said she wanted to sit out due to "her leg" though, you should have said "That's cool, let's hang out here together and people-watch!" or something.

 

I mean, I can see what you were trying to do--which is not smother her. She indeed might have been using the leg excuse as an out. BUT from the way you described the night, I'm not positive. I don't think it was clear to her whether you were into her or just wanted to dance. A little bit of extra boldness would have helped.

 

It also would have given you a clearer sense of where you stood with her. If she demurred or tried to pawn you off to her friends after that then you'd know she wasn't interested.

 

So to sum up, you have to show direct interest and make a move.

 

Oh she definitely sat down on a stool for at least two songs. That's why I don't think she was just trying to get rid of me.

 

"That's cool, let's hang out here together and people-watch!" or something.

 

I mean, I can see what you were trying to do--which is not smother her. She indeed might have been using the leg excuse as an out. BUT from the way you described the night, I'm not positive. I don't think it was clear to her whether you were into her or just wanted to dance. A little bit of extra boldness would have helped.

 

You're absolutely right about the extra boldness thing. I was so afraid of smothering her and coming across as needy.

 

She did not try to pawn me off to her friends. It was I who asked where her friends are so I could meet them.

 

Honestly, I barely know what I'm doing in this game. I'm just trying to figure out things as I go along. Trial and error.

 

If by chance she does show up next week, what do you think I should do?

[Imajerk17]

If you see her next week, you should greet her with a hug. If she is enthusiastic when you see her, get her number then and there. Hang out with her and her friends and then try to leave with her after a certain time.

 

By "leave with her" I don't necessarily mean taking her home. Hopefully you know a bar or cafe near the club that you both can go to.

 

If you see her friends but not her next week, you should ask her friends about her.

 

Otherwise, let this be a lesson learned. If you're getting along well with a girl you have to let your intentions known.

[thefooloftheyear]

And you think you are somehow helping?

 

If you aren't going to contribute to the thread, then don't post here. It's a simple as that.

 

That goes for everybody as well.

 

 

Well....I dunno....I guess its "unsettling" to me to see a guy thats struggling getting a "pat on the head" from a bunch of women that have no idea what its like to be you....Here is something you may not be aware of...Women LOVE to see guys in a position of weakness as you are portraying...it puts then in a position of power over you...It makes them feel better about themselves...So while they are high fiving you, notice that they arent flooding your PM box either...Dont show weakness..

 

Good job on going to the gym...That will help you..And ive said it before and Ill say it again..FOCUS on your life/career and whats important to what will make you into a strong man...That should be your journey..Stop with the obsession on "getting" a woman..That never works..

 

Once you realize this, the fish will miraculously be jumping into your boat..

 

 

TFY

Edited July 20, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[somedude81]

Well....I dunno....I guess its "unsettling" to me to see a guy thats struggling getting a "pat on the head" from a bunch of women that have no idea what its like to be you....Here is something you may not be aware of...Women LOVE to see guys in a position of weakness as you are portraying...it puts then in a position of power over you...It makes them feel better about themselves...So while they are high fiving you, notice that they arent flooding your PM box either...Dont show weakness..

Wow, I don't know where to start with that.

 

Good job on going to the gym...That will help you..And ive said it before and Ill say it again..FOCUS on your life/career and whats important to what will make you into a strong man...That should be your journey..Stop with the obsession on "getting" a woman..That never works..

 

Once you realize this, the fish will miraculously be jumping into your boat..

 

 

TFY

The fish will never jump in my boat.

 

Yes I do need to focus on my life, schooling and career but I'm not going to ignore women.

 

You seem to be having trouble relating to me because it's always been easy for you to get women. So for you, you don't have to do anything and they come to you. It's not that case for me.

 

I didn't get my first kiss until I was 22. I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was 31. Think about those things when you try to say that the fish will just jump in my boat.

[BlueIris]

Well....I dunno....I guess its "unsettling" to me to see a guy thats struggling getting a "pat on the head" from a bunch of women that have no idea what its like to be you....Here is something you may not be aware of...Women LOVE to see guys in a position of weakness as you are portraying...it puts then in a position of power over you...It makes them feel better about themselves...So while they are high fiving you, notice that they arent flooding your PM box either...Dont show weakness..

 

Good job on going to the gym...That will help you..And ive said it before and Ill say it again..FOCUS on your life/career and whats important to what will make you into a strong man...That should be your journey..Stop with the obsession on "getting" a woman..That never works..

 

Once you realize this, the fish will miraculously be jumping into your boat..

 

 

TFY

 

Gotta agree. And the same goes for women as well.

[ASG]

how common is it for people to meet their future bf/gf, or person they end up dating, in random public places such as the mall, grocery store, coffee shop, park, public transportation, or any other public places besides the common, usual meeting in school/classroom, through mutual friends/social circle, parties, etc.?

 

Because not going out enough has been what has held me back the most

 

Is this a serious question?

 

I only know ONE couple that met through OLD. I have a pretty large group of friends and acquaintances. ONE couple!

Everyone else met through friends or social activities.

 

 

I'm also gonna give an example of personality winning over looks, at times.

A few years ago, I was at a Supernatural convention. It was Saturday night (or, more accurately, Sunday morning) and a bunch of us girls were sat in the hotel bar drinking.

A group of guys came to the bar, and seeing a group of girls, decided to troll us a bit. We were up for it, so there was some banter going on.

One guy was REALLY cute. He sat down next to me and one of his friends also sat with us.

They asked what we were doing there, bla bla bla. We told them we were at a con.

Now... from the moment the hot guy sat down and opened his mouth, he became less and less attractive. Nothing he said clicked with us at all. His not so good looking friend though, had all the charm in the world!

At one point the personality friend was actually actively making fun of the hot friend for striking out every time he opened his mouth.

 

By the end of the night, even though no one pulled, we were all a lot more interested in the personality friend than in the hot friend!

[irc333]

I'm curious as to why you didn't seal the deal with "personality guy"? When I say "seal the deal" I mean exchanging contact info and moving on from there.

 

 

Is this a serious question?

 

I only know ONE couple that met through OLD. I have a pretty large group of friends and acquaintances. ONE couple!

Everyone else met through friends or social activities.

 

 

I'm also gonna give an example of personality winning over looks, at times.

A few years ago, I was at a Supernatural convention. It was Saturday night (or, more accurately, Sunday morning) and a bunch of us girls were sat in the hotel bar drinking.

A group of guys came to the bar, and seeing a group of girls, decided to troll us a bit. We were up for it, so there was some banter going on.

One guy was REALLY cute. He sat down next to me and one of his friends also sat with us.

They asked what we were doing there, bla bla bla. We told them we were at a con.

Now... from the moment the hot guy sat down and opened his mouth, he became less and less attractive. Nothing he said clicked with us at all. His not so good looking friend though, had all the charm in the world!

At one point the personality friend was actually actively making fun of the hot friend for striking out every time he opened his mouth.

 

By the end of the night, even though no one pulled, we were all a lot more interested in the personality friend than in the hot friend!

[ASG]

I'm curious as to why you didn't seal the deal with "personality guy"? When I say "seal the deal" I mean exchanging contact info and moving on from there.

 

Why would I? That was completely not the point of that night. They didn't ask for any contact info of any of us (about 10 girls)either. Sometimes that's just what it is.

Edited July 20, 2014 by ASG

[Emilia]

By the end of the night, even though no one pulled, we were all a lot more interested in the personality friend than in the hot friend!

I know what you are saying but the bolded is key. maybe the women were more interested but the guy still didn't pull!

[irc333]

I know what you are saying but the bolded is key. maybe the women were more interested but the guy still didn't pull!

 

Yeah, it was as if she was trying to make a point without the objective having been achieved. lol