ByMyself01 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Sorry to hear that, some men really can be pigs ... I hope he'll come crawling back though, he left for this new woman who has a 2 year old son. I wonder how he feels raising another baby while he barely sees his ... It's disgusting. I don't know if he'll get that empty feeling inside though, they seem so happy right now ... Did your ex leave the mother of his daughter for you to leave you for her again ? Yep, that's exactly what happened but he lied about the whole thing. He left her but lied and said they had been broken up but i ended up getting a different story from her later. Then he avoided me like the plague and tried his hardest to get back with her until he realized she wasn't leaving her new guy. Every since then, his thoughts of wanting to go back made our relationship suffer severely and crashed head on to a complete end. Only because his heart never left her because she had his child, he was just hurt and thought getting me was going to solve his heartache and problems. I learned my lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 So I know that if the dumper starts dating shortly after the relationship it is considerd a rebound, but what about if they left you for someone else ? Can I also consider it a rebound since he did jumped into anoher relationship right after ending ours ? How could he get over 3 years of relationship right after the break up ? Even if he was planing the break up ahead ... Not to mention he left me right after I gave birth to his daughter !!! Just curious ... Thank u Yes, that's a rebound. ANY relationship that starts shortly after one ends is a rebound. After a relationship the healthy way to heal is to be alone for several months. You've gotta heal. Otherwise people end up with a string of relationships and build this huge baggage with them. When they finally do end up alone. They're usually lost. They have to deal with all the breakups at once. Yes - some rebounds can last - when they do - they really aren't the same as when they started. They change into a more mature relationship. Still rebounds are nasty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Yep, that's exactly what happened but he lied about the whole thing. He left her but lied and said they had been broken up but i ended up getting a different story from her later. Then he avoided me like the plague and tried his hardest to get back with her until he realized she wasn't leaving her new guy. Every since then, his thoughts of wanting to go back made our relationship suffer severely and crashed head on to a complete end. Only because his heart never left her because she had his child, he was just hurt and thought getting me was going to solve his heartache and problems. I learned my lesson. I hate how some people take advantage of people for their own good, but makes other suffer. They know they are doing it, but they don't care, as long as they feel good and don't have to suffer ... My ex left me when his daughter was 2 weeks old (no need to mention I am pretty sure he was screwing around during my pregnancy) with all kind of excuses, but the truth is he left for this older woman who has a 2 year old son. How can he even raise that child without thinking of the daughter he basically dumped ... Oh well, karma will get to them evantually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Yes, that's a rebound. ANY relationship that starts shortly after one ends is a rebound. After a relationship the healthy way to heal is to be alone for several months. You've gotta heal. Otherwise people end up with a string of relationships and build this huge baggage with them. When they finally do end up alone. They're usually lost. They have to deal with all the breakups at once. Yes - some rebounds can last - when they do - they really aren't the same as when they started. They change into a more mature relationship. Still rebounds are nasty. In my experience, yes rebounds may last but mostly when the dumpee hangs around hoping to get the dumper back in that way. Like a friend or a mental support for the dumper. So the dumper gets the best of both worlds, doesn't have to miss the dumpee, and the rebound is a succes. Here the father of my child, my dumper wants to stay friends ... Obviously we have a baby and one day I will need to see him, but for now I am 100% NC, he can see the baby through my mother if he wants to, he has no right to claim me, no way I am going to make his new relationship easy by hanging around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 So my ex left me after I gave birth to our baby girl. He left me for another woman who has a baby of her own (2yo) and wasn't even honest about it, had to hear it through the grapevine. One can imagine how disgusted I am and went NC and blocked his number after hearing that. He can visit the baby, my mom is at home to open the door, but I just don't want to see his face. After he knew I knew about his new adventure he tried to contact me, but I just did not want to talk to him. I got a lawyer to handle this mess. Yesterday I got a huge letter in the mailbox expaining everything, basically blaming me for the whole thing (of course) about how he did everything for me but I never appreciated it and how this new woman appreciates him and does everything for him and that he wants to be friends with me. Anyways, not a warm letter, but such a long story and desperate to tell me all of that, like he needs to justify himself to me ... What does this letter even mean, is he preoccupied by what he's done ? Feelings of guilt ? Maybe it's starting .. ? I just feel that someone who doesn't give a damn wouldn't put his time in a long letter, so I hope he's finally starting to realize what mess he's caused. Thank you for any help ! Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He probably feels guilt, which is why he's shifting all the blame to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 So my ex left me after I gave birth to our baby girl. He left me for another woman who has a baby of her own (2yo) and wasn't even honest about it, had to hear it through the grapevine. One can imagine how disgusted I am and went NC and blocked his number after hearing that. He can visit the baby, my mom is at home to open the door, but I just don't want to see his face. After he knew I knew about his new adventure he tried to contact me, but I just did not want to talk to him. I got a lawyer to handle this mess. Yesterday I got a huge letter in the mailbox expaining everything, basically blaming me for the whole thing (of course) about how he did everything for me but I never appreciated it and how this new woman appreciates him and does everything for him and that he wants to be friends with me. Anyways, not a warm letter, but such a long story and desperate to tell me all of that, like he needs to justify himself to me ... What does this letter even mean, is he preoccupied by what he's done ? Feelings of guilt ? Maybe it's starting .. ? I just feel that someone who doesn't give a damn wouldn't put his time in a long letter, so I hope he's finally starting to realize what mess he's caused. Thank you for any help ! It's total and complete guilt. Keep up exactly what you are doing. Ignoring him will absolutely drive him mad. Continue to let him stew. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovel Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He probably feels guilt, which is why he's shifting all the blame to you. Can you or anyone explain this? I've heard this before, but I don't understand the psychology behind it. My ex shifted blame on me all the time when he was caught red-handed, but I never understood why. OP, sorry you're going through this, but I found myself cheering you on when you said you got a lawyer to handle this. And he wants to be friends with you?? Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) ]Can you or anyone explain this? I've heard this before' date=' but I don't understand the psychology behind it. My ex shifted blame on me all the time when he was caught red-handed, but I never understood why.[/b'] OP, sorry you're going through this, but I found myself cheering you on when you said you got a lawyer to handle this. And he wants to be friends with you?? Ego. "I can't be wrong" because it would cause me to have to take a deep look at myself and it is easier to lock it away. In time though, it starts to bubble-up and they look to project the guilt feeling elsewhere as they can't continue to carry the load. Another "tactic" is do "engage" their target in order to anger them. They then use that returned anger as vilification and in turn tell themselves that they have done the right thing... Edited October 12, 2015 by frigginlost 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Can you or anyone explain this? I've heard this before, but I don't understand the psychology behind it. My ex shifted blame on me all the time when he was caught red-handed, but I never understood why. OP, sorry you're going through this, but I found myself cheering you on when you said you got a lawyer to handle this. And he wants to be friends with you?? It's to try and say the cheating wasn't their fault..that if you did xyz..it wouldn't have happened. To justify their actions and not take responsibility for their infidelity. Not wanting to look like the bad guy. OP - Ignore him. All he needs to do is pay child support. What a waste of space. I do like your total NC. I bet that really gets to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 OP, sorry you're going through this, but I found myself cheering you on when you said you got a lawyer to handle this. And he wants to be friends with you?? Yes, I just feel he's kinda scared since the case is going to court and my story is genuine and I can prove what he did ... Not sure, but that's what he wrote, he must be mad ... Obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 OP - Ignore him. All he needs to do is pay child support. What a waste of space. I do like your total NC. I bet that really gets to him. Sadly this is the second time I had to go NC with him, last year he called crying after a month - I took him back (STUPID !) and now he has someone else so I don't expect him to come crying back just yet ... Maybe once their honeymoon fase is over and he realizes his daughter grew up her first months without him - But then it will be too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Well he copied the letter he put in my mailbox and put the same letter in my dad's mailbox with explaination why it's over between us !!! Seriously, what is he playing at ? GUILT again ? Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Well he copied the letter he put in my mailbox and put the same letter in my dad's mailbox with explaination why it's over between us !!! Seriously, what is he playing at ? GUILT again ? Yes. He's breaking down (the facade is crumbling)... and it's only going to get worse for him. The realization of his actions are starting to hit him. Let it. Keep doing what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Yes. He's breaking down (the facade is crumbling)... and it's only going to get worse for him. The realization of his actions are starting to hit him. Let it. Keep doing what you're doing. I will, I will stay in NC no matter what. Do you think the guilt is maybe starting to hit him now because he hasn't been able to contact me ? He did write his new ladyfriend appreciates him like I never did, so not sure if he's feeling all that guilty ... Link to post Share on other sites
thejabberwocky Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He is absolutely trying to justify his actions because he feels guilty. Don't give in! Don't even respond to his letter - pretend like you never even got it. Let him feel every ounce of that guilt. Any reaction you give will make him feel better, whether it's positive or negative, because you'll be giving him attention. Do nothing. Let him realize what he's done! And good for you for being so strong. Your baby is lucky to have such a great role model for a mother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Can you or anyone explain this? I've heard this before, but I don't understand the psychology behind it. My ex shifted blame on me all the time when he was caught red-handed, but I never understood why. If it's your fault, then he doesn't have to feel like he's done anything wrong. The OP's case is a pretty extreme example of this. If you were to hear the facts (guy leaves girlfriend and their newborn child for another woman), then you think this guy is a real lowlife and a poor excuse for a man. BUT, if the guy can convince himself that he only left because of the OP's behavior, he can soothe any guilt he feels about his actions. This happened often on a much smaller scale in my last relationship. If there was conflict, my ex would always find a way to either excuse herself from blame or make me out to be the root of the problem (i.e. "I only did this because you did this."). It borders on emotional abuse after a while, but it's hard to see that when you're in the thick of things, especially when it's concerning smaller issues rather than large ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 then you think this guy is a real lowlife and a poor excuse for a man. BUT, if the guy can convince himself that he only left because of the OP's behavior, he can soothe any guilt he feels about his actions. I actually wonder ... I understand it can maybe SOOTHE any guilt he feels, but seriously, he knows he's wrong and what he's done, isn't it so that sooner or later he won't be able to soothe it any longer and reality will kick in ? What then ? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Well he copied the letter he put in my mailbox and put the same letter in my dad's mailbox with explaination why it's over between us !!! Seriously, what is he playing at ? GUILT again ? Wow......he really is feeling guilty isn't he. To try and explain it to your father as well. He doesn't want to be seen as nasty that's all. Trying to ease his conscience. Now he has a daughter, I wonder how he'd feel if a guy treated her the way he's treated you when she gets older. It would do a lot of men good to think of this when they treat women like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I actually wonder ... I understand it can maybe SOOTHE any guilt he feels, but seriously, he knows he's wrong and what he's done, isn't it so that sooner or later he won't be able to soothe it any longer and reality will kick in ? What then ? It is happening right now. He is learning that he can't soothe himself which is why he is acting out. You are handling all this exemplary. He will handle it by splitting it two ways in his head: A) "Well, I tried being civil but she ignored it all". *That* is pure ego talking as he will refuse to believe any wrong doing on his part. B) He will crack bigtime, and when he does, his demeanor will change. It will be less guilt and more sorrow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I will, I will stay in NC no matter what. Do you think the guilt is maybe starting to hit him now because he hasn't been able to contact me ? He did write his new ladyfriend appreciates him like I never did, so not sure if he's feeling all that guilty ... Yes, guilt is hitting him because you gave him exactly what he wanted and then made him a ghost. That is a massive hit to his ego. Massive. He is slowly waking up to what his actions did and finding that he can't tread the emotional waters anymore. He's sinking, but fighting it. His statement regarding his new ladyfriend is a cheapshot to get a reaction. Don't take it personal. You have obliterated his ego by staying silent. Continue to do so. It teaches him that you are a hell of a lot stronger than he gives you credit for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOLITA85 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 His statement regarding his new ladyfriend is a cheapshot to get a reaction. Don't take it personal. He actually is hoping I will contact him after this letter ? well too bad for him, and I actually feel kinda better knowing some guilt finally is kicking in. Looks like he is having the time of his life with his new bird while I am struggling with our newborn baby. He actually is official in fb relationship with that new bird (rebound?) starting 1 october, 1 month after his baby has been born. What a guy eh ! I do hope sorrow will eventually kick in ... Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) He actually is hoping I will contact him after this letter ? well too bad for him, and I actually feel kinda better knowing some guilt finally is kicking in. Looks like he is having the time of his life with his new bird while I am struggling with our newborn baby. He actually is official in fb relationship with that new bird (rebound?) starting 1 october, 1 month after his baby has been born. What a guy eh ! I do hope sorrow will eventually kick in ... Yes. Think about it a little; he said he wanted to be friends. Now, why would someone who wants to be friends throw an insult? He's trying to "ride the fence" in order to garner a reaction. He covers both bases by using friends as a reason to contact him or anger from you by insulting you. Your lack of reaction is crushing his ego and exposing himself and his actions to himself. He does not like it, because he knows he was in the wrong. His relationship sounds like an emotional blanket. There is no guarantee that sorrow will hit him. He just may be that full of himself. You are in a fantastic position to let him find out and show you just who he truly is... Edited October 12, 2015 by frigginlost 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) Look [up] narcissist. He is living in a hell he created. All he gives a dang about is others giving him validation. What are the settlement terms for child support and visitation? Focus on meat and potatoes. Edited October 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Penguins Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 What is the purpose of writing you a letter if his new friend appreciates him more than you? If he left you, why is he so desperate to contact you? If it is your fault that he "had to leave" and you are only finding out about what "you did" now, how did he handle the situation in a mature manner? I am not sure what is going on here, but it seems like a whole lot of red flags. Proceed with caution friend! Link to post Share on other sites
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