Wife not interested in sex....but walks around half naked

[oldshirt]

I think the question that needs to be asked here is what would happen if she was cured tomorrow?

 

Would she book a trip to some exotic island and ravage him senseless on the beach?

 

Or would she continue to stiff arm him and come up with excuses and tell him he's silly to want a sex life and to just get over it?

 

If the answer lays closer to the former, it may be worth working a little harder and seeing what can be done.

 

If the answer is closer to the latter, it would probably be best to cut losses and move on.

[soccerrprp]

I have a mixed response here.

 

1. She is impaired by a nervous disorder that makes sex or any touching very painful. No matter what the husband would like, this pain, if real, would make any attempt to improve the sexual aspect of the relationship very difficult AND provided she's wanting to.

2. I agree though, she should seem, at least, sincere about her efforts.

3. I find it interesting that she if making such efforts to look sexy by shaving her bikini line. She's clearly still interested in looking good and sexy for herself (anyone else?).

4. I may have missed it, but is she walking around half-naked b/c it's even painful to have clothing on?

 

Anyway, nothing profound to share. I just found these observations interesting.

[Elliotte]

Does her walking around wearing next to nothing really matter? You already desire her and want intimacy even if she would be wearing a dozen layers from head to toe! Commenting on her turning you on with what she does or does not wear when she's not interested in sex is likely to make her cover up in the hopes you won't get turned on by her as much and bring it up when she feels like she can't do anything about it.

 

I am in a similar boat, minus the nerve damage. My wife's libido is near non existent, and her attitude about it is horrible. After this long with her she thinks it is acceptable to respond to your sexual frustrations with "get over it"?! You are great for staying by her side this long with her condition and being so supportive, but she's probably grown too comfortable with being put on a pedestal for her condition and getting sympathy for it. You need to be taken care of by her too, in the way you need to be. You've been living with the pain of repressing your sexuality, sacrificing it for a woman who doesn't want to show appreciation for it.

 

I don't really have any advice to give, I just know that pain and am trying to come up with a plan to finally start getting my way too, it's crushing when it seems like your partner puts zero value in your needs and disregards them any time you express them. It's rough because in every other way, I bet she's the perfect woman to you, I would hope most partners would cherish the fact that the person they've spent that long with finds them so attractive still!

[DrJam]

It has been an interesting week.

 

To clarify some things, her condition makes sex difficult, but we have found ways in past that are not painful for her. The daily pain has become the big issue, she describes it as being all comsuming and as such takes away any desire for intamacy she could have.

 

 

We had a big talk last week before i went away for the weekend, and we talked about some things that have really been bothering me. I did not come out and say this to her, but if things do not change by next summer (when our house will be ready to sell) then i will propose a seperation.

 

 

As i see it there are three main things that need to be worked on (no particualr order)

 

 

1-Intimacy, this has been lacking for almost 14 years now and it bothers me just how far apaprt we are with regards to the importance of this in oir relationship.

 

 

2-Friends and Family, i have not mentioned this yet here, but she has become very closed in, and never wants to see anyone, including family. I have a large family with many nieces and nephews. Anytime we have family functions it is always an inconvienience for her to go, and she makes a big deal about me going. I feel i have missed so much of my families life and it upsets me. As well she never wants to see her friends and makes me feel guilty for spending time with my friends. I have not invited anyone over for years.

 

 

3-Depression, i belive this is connected to the above two concerns. I feel that she is depressed due to the issues she has had to deal with over the past few years. She however denies that, and refuses to talk with anyone about it.

-

 

 

I have spent too much of my life lonley and unhappy to continue. I still love my wife and the thought of us seperating is heart wrenching. Our life is not functional as it is and we both need to work on things. I intend to address those three concerns over the next 6 months and hope we can work them out.

 

 

I apreciate everyones input and hopefully i can salvage my mariage.

[revelations]

DrJam, this can be a very touchy subject to deal with. However don't be surprised with most women and some men will claim that you are out of line. Remember a lot of people really do not care about what a man's needs are, only that he serves the women as she request.

 

Now my opinion is first off don't fall for any shaming tactics or any other B.S. like that. Thankfully I have not seen shaming tactics come up yet. The thing is that in a marriage you do have a right to your needs being met, I.E. sexually. However if your wife is in too much pain she does have a right not to do things that cause her more pain. So right here we can see that your idea of a "date night" were you two can bang is a good idea. This way she is not always in pain and you get what you need also. This is called a compromise.

 

However from what you have wrote, she does not seem to be willing to do this. To make matters worse she is walking around wearing nothing or next to nothing in front of you all the time. This is kind of like teasing a starving me with a steak dinner that he can never have. Now if she was just in pain and not interested in sex and kept herself covered somewhat, then we could say that at least she is being respectful. This is not your case, your wife is letting you know that not only does she not respect you, she does not care how you feel. Women know that men are visual and by walking round topless and such and telling you that you can't touch is just plain mean.

 

Please do not get me wrong I am not trying to disrespect you or your wife. I am only telling it like I see it from your words. I would suggest having a talk with her or even with her and a marriage counselor. The major things that need to be addressed are the lack of sex for starters. However I would also address her dismissing your needs and teasing you by walking around in a state of half nude. Also I would talk about the lack of respect for you and your needs. You need to find out why she has no empathy for you and why she is dismissive towards you. Bottom line is that this issue has far more warning signs aside from the lack of sex. This is a marriage I would walk away from and not due to lack of sex, just do to lack of respect and empathy she shows towards you.

[kaylan]

It has been an interesting week.

 

To clarify some things, her condition makes sex difficult, but we have found ways in past that are not painful for her. The daily pain has become the big issue, she describes it as being all comsuming and as such takes away any desire for intamacy she could have.

 

 

We had a big talk last week before i went away for the weekend, and we talked about some things that have really been bothering me. I did not come out and say this to her, but if things do not change by next summer (when our house will be ready to sell) then i will propose a seperation.

 

 

As i see it there are three main things that need to be worked on (no particualr order)

 

 

1-Intimacy, this has been lacking for almost 14 years now and it bothers me just how far apaprt we are with regards to the importance of this in oir relationship.

 

 

2-Friends and Family, i have not mentioned this yet here, but she has become very closed in, and never wants to see anyone, including family. I have a large family with many nieces and nephews. Anytime we have family functions it is always an inconvienience for her to go, and she makes a big deal about me going. I feel i have missed so much of my families life and it upsets me. As well she never wants to see her friends and makes me feel guilty for spending time with my friends. I have not invited anyone over for years.

 

 

3-Depression, i belive this is connected to the above two concerns. I feel that she is depressed due to the issues she has had to deal with over the past few years. She however denies that, and refuses to talk with anyone about it.

-

 

 

I have spent too much of my life lonley and unhappy to continue. I still love my wife and the thought of us seperating is heart wrenching. Our life is not functional as it is and we both need to work on things. I intend to address those three concerns over the next 6 months and hope we can work them out.

 

 

I apreciate everyones input and hopefully i can salvage my mariage.

Leave bro. Its been like this for years. Theres too many problems and your wife is who she is.

 

Sometimes marriage just isnt forever and its time to find someone new.

 

Good luck.

[MuddyRock]

It isn't fair that you aren't telling her your plans. Some people have no clue. You will be blindsided her if you don't tell her now just how serious this is (possible seperation/divorce).

[lollipopspot]

I think you should be as straightforward and honest with her as you are on this forum. Tell her what you're thinking NOW - not sometime over the next 6 months. People get comfortable and often don't realize how much their actions are affecting their partner, unless their partner really lays it on the line.

 

There may be other compromises that can be made too, such as an open marriage.

[Krytie TV]

Why do guys put up with this? Id quickly divorce a woman not meeting my intimacy needs and then being a tease about it. Dont waste your life not feeling loved and desired.

 

 

That's easy to say until you find yourself married to someone you love immensely. When you realize that the love and intimacy you have with someone can be more powerful than the sex. It's never such a black and white situation as you make it, unless of course, there was never really anything there but the sex.

[Els]

We had a big talk last week before i went away for the weekend, and we talked about some things that have really been bothering me. I did not come out and say this to her, but if things do not change by next summer (when our house will be ready to sell) then i will propose a seperation.

 

 

As i see it there are three main things that need to be worked on (no particualr order)

 

 

This sounds good as long as you communicate them with her fully. She needs to know how these issues are affecting you and how important it is to you that she work on them. I'd also suggest that you do your best to work on them together with her, rather than just listing them out. Ask what you can do to help.

 

Glad to hear that you are going to try to work on it. All the best!

[DrJam]

It isn't fair that you aren't telling her your plans. Some people have no clue. You will be blindsided her if you don't tell her now just how serious this is (possible seperation/divorce).

I wont tell her the day i am leaving. However I want to make sure that when the time comes to put it all on the line i am prepared to follow through. I really do want this to work, and when we wre both ready we will discuss.

 

Now is not the right time with the impending decision from the workers compensation board. She needs to be strong and supported to deal with this now.

[beach]

How long ago was her injury that she got? Was she injured in the job all those years ago?

 

What makes you think it be settled now?

[DrJam]

How long ago was her injury that she got? Was she injured in the job all those years ago?

 

What makes you think it be settled now?

Injured more than a decade ago. The claim will never be settled however we are at a crucial point that will determine the direction the claim is going. At this stage she needs my full support to get through this. Things should be decided by Sept.

[DrJam]

Update,

 

Moving forward here claim/case is still pending,

We have seen a new dr and she has been diagnoised with hyper-thyroid and new meds started last week.

 

 

It was our 15th anniversary a couple of weeks back. On that day i suggested we have sex, and she was not interested. Last night i asked again, and she said

"Why do you want sex?"

 

 

And then i could not hold back anymore and i told her how i feel.

 

 

I, for this first time in 13+ years of unhappy sex, told her that i want sex more often, that it is important to me and to our relationship.

I was shaking, it was very hard for me to even say the words.

 

 

She told me that she was fine how often we have sex.

She could not even tell me when the last time was as "she doesn't keep track".

 

 

We have had sex less than once every 6weeks over the past 10 years by my estimation...and she said "so what! Why is that not ebough for you?"

 

 

The conversation ended with her saying that I have to change how I feel about sex, and that there is nothing she can do to change.

--------

 

 

I am devestated and know the only path to take is to end the relationship as we are just too far apart on this issue, and she feels it is not of enough importance to change anything.

[giotto]

I am devestated and know the only path to take is to end the relationship as we are just too far apart on this issue, and she feels it is not of enough importance to change anything.

 

Very sad to hear that... almost the same spiel I got from my wife... "it's not going to change"... at least you know where to stand now...

[oldshirt]

 

We have seen a new dr and she has been diagnoised with hyper-thyroid and new meds started last week.

 

Hyper or hypo thyroid?

 

 

 

 

 

It was our 15th anniversary a couple of weeks back. On that day i suggested we have sex

 

 

 

 

My mom was a career school teacher for over 40 and she was one of those people that always laid it all out on the table and told it like it is. one of the great life lessons she taught me about male/female relations was that men are horny and woman have to be made to be horny. (that was 30-some years ago. Today the terms are "spontaneous desire vs responsive desire")

In other words, there isn't a woman alive that will respond to a 'suggestion' of sex. You have to actually stimulate her desire with flirtation, seduction, showing your desire, touching her, foreplay etc etc.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

, and she was not interested.

 

 

see above. she was not interested because she was not aroused. once she is aroused, she will be interested.

 

 

(what is at question here is whether she has some kind of pathology that is blocking her arousal response vs she does not respond to you specifically)

 

 

Last night i asked again,

 

 

See above. You must 'DO', not 'ask.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

and she said

"Why do you want sex?"

 

 

 

OK, I gotta be brutally honest here. If I was dating a gal and she actually had the audacity to ask why I wanted sex, I would drop her off at home and tell her it was nice getting to know her and I would wish her well.

It would never go any further than that and I would never marry someone in a million gazillion years that truly did not know why people would wan to have sex.

Now if for some reason someone was able to pull the wool over my eyes and slip through the cracks and I married them and they asked me that, I would be in the divorce lawyers office the next day.

I wouldn't be mad. I wouldn't hold a grudge. I wouldn't be contemptuous or try to hurt her in a divorce in any way. I just wouldn't be able to be married to someone with that attitude towards sexuality.

 

 

 

And then i could not hold back anymore and i told her how i feel.

 

 

 

 

 

I, for this first time in 13+ years of unhappy sex, told her that i want sex more often, that it is important to me and to our relationship.

I was shaking, it was very hard for me to even say the words.

 

 

She told me that she was fine how often we have sex.

She could not even tell me when the last time was as "she doesn't keep track".

 

That is fair from both of you. You have expressed that it is important to you and something that you want in your life.

She has expressed that she is fine with the status quo and that she has no intention of changing anything or doing any legwork or heavy lifting to change the sexual dynamics of your marriage.

 

We have had sex less than once every 6weeks over the past 10 years by my estimation...and she said "so what! Why is that not ebough for you?"

 

 

 

Again, this means she has no intentions of changing anything. and if she can't understand why that is enough for you, then it probably also means that if she had her way it would be significantly LESS than every 6 weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

The conversation ended with her saying that I have to change how I feel about sex, and that there is nothing she can do to change.

--------

 

She has made her position statement. You now know where she stands on issue and know what to expect from her in the future.

You are now informed on what your life will be like if you stay. If you stay, you are making a conscious choice to live with a dissatisfying sex life. You are making an informed decision that your sex life will suck. That means you will not have the right to whine and moan about it or try to get her to change her attitudes or behaviors towards you or your marital sexlife. your choice is to accept the marriage in it's current state (actually it will get worse as she gets older and gets menopausal) or to end the marriage.

You have also informed her of the importance of sexuality in your life and that you are dissatisfied with the quantity and quality of your sexlife. There for she is making an informed decision to not try to accomidate your sexual needs and desires and must accept the possibility that you will choose to dissolve the marriage and find a more compatible partner. She thus has no right to whine and moan when she is handed divorce papers.

 

I am devestated and know the only path to take is to end the relationship as we are just too far apart on this issue, and she feels it is not of enough importance to change anything.

 

 

Then she must accept the fact that you may choose to divorce her. She has the right to choose a asexual life for herself based on what she considers what is important and what is not.

She does not have the right to dictate what you believe is important and she does not have the right to force you into involuntary celibacy.

At this point your only obligation is to make her aware that this issue is worth a divorce to you and that you are ready, willing and able to divorce over it. She may think it's silly and she may even think it is wrong and crappy of you, but it if she still chooses to do nothing about it, then it is still an informed choice on her part and she will have no right to bitch about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Responses in bold above.

[DrJam]

She is hyperthyroid.

 

Thanks for the reply, that gives me lots to think about.

[BetrayedH]

Oldshirt is right on the money.

 

My $.02...

 

Since she has made her position known, it's now your choice to decide if that position is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, then I think your last-ditch effort is an ultimatum - "I can't live an asexual life. We either attend sessions with a sex therapist to improve the frequency and quality of our sex life or I make an appointment with an attorney instead. Which do you want me to schedule?"

[jackslife]

Well you can't complain now.

 

You now know exactly how she feels and she has made it absolutely clear bout the amount of sex she is willing to give. She has basically said "it's going to be every 6 weeks or less, take it or leave it."

 

I read a post by 'michelle ma belle' where her IC asked to think hard on this question... If where you are right now is as good as it's ever going to get, are you prepared to accept that?

 

So are you?

[beach]

Ok - so her thyroid condition has nothing to do with her ability to have sex. Her other issues might - but we know she's UNWILLING to consider it more often.

 

And she expects YOU to adjust to her level of frequency.

 

You either leave her or know that she's NOT CHANGING to suit your needs!

 

In my opinion - love exists when a person considers OTHERS needs above or equal to their own. She's not showing loving behavior. In fact - she's down right selfish! She can find out what selfishness brings= alone time and being all on your own.

 

Since she's standing firm on just how selfish she intends to be - I think it's useful to end it now and search for a MORE compatible partner. Someone who considers your feelings and takes action to participate in a way that BRINGS YOU happiness.

 

Be honest with her! And do it now. Simply saying to her "this doesn't work for me" sends a clear message.

 

She will see the result of her selfishness when she see you packing your things to leave. Do t stay based on empty "promises". She's been a master manipulator so far and will be hyper focused on getting you to meet her needs. Paying her way so she can stay home and run around naked knowing it hurts you isn't loving behavior.

 

She depends on you to do all the work for you and for her - make it clear that's not your job any longer. It's time for her to grow up and get real about taking care of herself and since she's so selfishly driven - you intend to allow her the room to find out what that looks like for her.

 

 

When you leave - don't fall prey to her "emergencies" that are drama designed to make you come running to help the "helpless gal". Just tell her she's a grown woman and can figure things out for herself.

 

 

Create some distance quickly - as she relies on you for a LOT and will need to adjust as the days go along.

 

If needed, remind yourself that she isn't willing to do things to make you happy - so no sense in investing more into a gal that doesn't find value in you emotionally, mentally and physically.

 

Good luck, but get busy with actions now since you know it's never going to get better but probably worse.

[Popsicle]

The problem is that you are in love with your wife, and your wife is not in love with you. Trust me, people DO stay together when they are not in love anymore.

 

You either need to stamp out that love for her to get on the same page (some people do this quite successfully) to maintain your marriage in comfort, or you need to divorce her and find someone else. It is extremely extremely unlikely that you are going to make her fall in love with you and start having sexual desire for you again. Once that's stamped out, it's stamped out. All the other stuff is excuses too. Don't become one of those people in this situation who cheats.

[beach]

She doesn't respect you enough to consider your feelings.

 

Without respect - there's little basis for the union.

 

And you've been too nice and too understanding. She will try her best to get you back into being her doormat. Don't go backwards.

[bathtub-row]

I would leave a person like this. First of all, she's very flippant about your feelings on this issue. She doesn't seem to care at all and, worse, seems to get a kick out of making you miserable. This is completely, 100% unacceptable.

 

There's another thread or two on this site about spouses and their lack of interest in sex. It seems to be an absolute epidemic. I just don't get this. While I understand medical problems, I simply do not understand the lack of empathy from the spouse who has no spice in their veins.

[oldshirt]

Counseling/therapy in this instance may help them each express their positions more effectively and help them to understand each other's points of view a little better.

 

 

But counseling/therapy does not make people horny or want to have sex.

 

 

At best it may help identify if there was something specifically that was turning her off or something specific that she needed for arousal that he wasn't providing.

 

 

The more realistic outcome would more likely be counseling in this instance would be help them dissolve the marriage in a fair and more more amicable manner.

[SummerDreams]

Everything you people say is true and valid, expect from the fact that she has some medical issues that make her practically semi handicapped. We can't get in such a person's mind and understand how they feel. Inside her she could feel awful that she can't change anything cause of her condition, but at the end of the day she suffers more with her medical condition than her husband with his lack of sex. Can anyone deny that?

 

She may be scared to express to her husband how bad she feels. I say again, we can't understand her psychology. I went through some bad condition myself a couple of years ago and I had no desire not only for sex but for nothing at all. I was saying to my bf "I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood for this or that, truly sorry", but deep inside what mattered to me more was to feel better, as much as I loved my bf and I respected his needs. Sick people can become selfish, and there's a good reason for this. This couple has deeper issues than the lack of sex and that's what they have to focus on primarily.