pteromom Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 That was kind of my point. If Adam Levine was making a serious play for her, would she tell him to just get over it and walk away? Or would she put in some effort to make it happen even if some kind of accommodation was required? I don't know. I know in my case, it wouldn't matter who the penis is attached to. The pain doesn't go away. Link to post Share on other sites
SleeplessIn Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Just curious about the majority of responses here ... what happened to marital promises? OP, did you promise to love and cherish in sickness and in health? Or do we just go around now and dump our spouses when illness or injury makes it difficult for them to perform sexually? Wow, is all I can say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Just curious about the majority of responses here ... what happened to marital promises? OP, did you promise to love and cherish in sickness and in health? Or do we just go around now and dump our spouses when illness or injury makes it difficult for them to perform sexually? Wow, is all I can say. While I agree with you, it seems that the OP's wife doesn't recognize the problem her husband has and she disregards it. There are solutions for almost everything, I bet that if they visit a doctor or a council they will advise them about how to handle the situation. Telling him "get over it" doesn't help at all. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Just curious about the majority of responses here ... what happened to marital promises? OP, did you promise to love and cherish in sickness and in health? Or do we just go around now and dump our spouses when illness or injury makes it difficult for them to perform sexually? I don't think it's quite that simple. It's not like this marriage is all lovey-dovey, perfect except for her having lost the ability to have intercourse... she is able but doesn't want to. OP has never said that intercourse is too painful for her, and it's not like this injury only affects one person. She still has the responsibility to participate in the marriage (emotionally and physically, to the best of her ability), but she doesn't seem to care how any of this affects him. She invalidates his feelings and tells him to just get over it. She gets angry when he expresses his feelings and talks about his needs. Granted, it is unfortunate that she has lost the desire for physical intimacy, but that doesn't absolve her from the marriage contract. If she were being completely appreciative, supportive and understanding of his situation, taking care of his physical/emotional needs (albeit falling a bit short due to physical limitations), it would be different. She sounds like my ex-wife, the health issue notwithstanding, with her "not interested in your needs, so get over it" attitude. The woman I'm dating has had a temporary issue that makes intercourse difficult, yet she is still caring and affectionate, concerned about my needs––and she offers every day to take care of me physically because she understands that it must be difficult for me as well. Ideally, the person with the limitation would be redoubling their effort to see that their partner's needs are being met. I mean seriously, how big a deal should it be for a wife to give her husband a hand job/blow job if intercourse isn't possible... or to muster up a bit of enthusiasm at least for the closeness/intimacy aspects of intercourse if it is still possible. This seems to be much more about the condition of the marriage than her physical ability. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Assuming it is physical and she won't 'take care' of you, then your choices are sad but simple. 1. Spend the rest of your life without sex, until the lead leaves your pencil and you don't care anyway. 2. Divorce her. You could have an affair, but all that you'll end up divorced when wife finds out or when you fall in love with AP. Sorry, it's sexless life until you die or divorce and the chance of future happiness and hopefully lots of sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DrJam Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Just curious about the majority of responses here ... what happened to marital promises? OP, did you promise to love and cherish in sickness and in health? Or do we just go around now and dump our spouses when illness or injury makes it difficult for them to perform sexually? Wow, is all I can say. That really the problem, while i do love my wife and want to stay with her through sickness and health this is not easy for me either. And please undestand i have been by her side through countless medical visits, therapy, and more over the past 12 years +. I am not just dumping her because she can't have sex anymore. The issues is that while she can physicly have sex, she not only does not want to, she sees no reason that would be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DrJam Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Does she now realize after your talk that you will plan to leave her? How does she feel about that? Does she cook or do laundry? How does she lift things when she does that if she does them? I do not think that she realizes that i will leave her. I did not make any ultimatums or threats (i am not prepare yet to follow through), i did however tell her that i cannot live like this and we need to find a way to change this. Absolutely nothing has changed since the talk - not just sex, we also talked about the lack of overall affection, intimacy and my need for emotional feedback from her. I did tell her that i feel like we are just roommates, which she seemed to be bothered by...but again it is very hard to tell at this point. She does at at times help out with laundry or some basic cleaning (keeping busy helps keep her mind of the injury), and when she does that it is done very slowly and carefully. She is very stubborn and independent and i do see her trying to contribute, however i know how much it takes out of her to do even little things and it breaks my heart to think of her on her own. We are hopefully nearing the end of the monstrous 12 year legal fight (hers was a workplace injury and where we live you are considered a liar and thief first and must fight for compensation). It is important for me to be her for her and support her 100% as it is extremely difficult for her to deal with this fight. When it is all said and done she should be in a better place both emotjionally and financially to support herself. It wont be until after this that i would give her any ultimatums as she is just not equipped to deal with everything right now. I truly hope we can still work this out, DrJ Edited July 10, 2014 by DrJam 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Not being cruel, but this does sound like her not wanting you as much as you want her. If she is not willing to change, then as per my previous post you only have two choices... grin and bear it for the rest of your sexless life or Divorce. (Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh or cruel, but I honestly don't see an alternative - really hope someone else can prove me wrong on this one.) Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectStorm Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I think a good sex life is the foundation of a good relationship. If it ain't there, it ain't working. I personally need love affection and intimacy but that's just my opinion. With all that aside if you're staying in the marriage, I'd ask her nicely that if she doesn't wish to have sex with you, to please keep her clothes on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I'm not in a similar position, but I'm with someone who has no sexual desire whatsoever... if you don't feel it, you don't see it… and it’s not a problem. It just doesn’t cross their mind. My wife could fix her problem and regain her sexual desire. But she has chosen not to. I’ve decided to stay, so why fix it? Maybe if you mentioned the D word, she would come to her senses and do more for you. The problem is that she is too busy worrying about herself, and I understand that. She is in pain but she has sex with you – maybe not as often as you would like – but she is doing it for you. So, she is compromising. I think you either accept it or leave. It’s never going to get any better. And do you really want your wife to force herself to have sex more often, when she doesn’t really want it? What kind of sex is that? You have no kids and you have options. But it’s difficult to leave someone who’s in pain. It’s only sex after all… like my wife would say… BTW, I don't think she is teasing you by walking naked... as I said, she has no sexual desire, it doesn't register with her... If you are depressed about it, I would recommend taking some ADs... they are wonderful... they make you feel a lot better and kill your libido... what more do you want? Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 If u make advances does she stop u. Does she take care of u other ways? If not I hope you have a lot of lotion but sorry to hear this Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Just curious about the majority of responses here ... what happened to marital promises? OP, did you promise to love and cherish in sickness and in health? Or do we just go around now and dump our spouses when illness or injury makes it difficult for them to perform sexually? Wow, is all I can say. Well this is true, but the promise comes with an understanding that both people are going to actually participate in the marriage. If she is in major pain and can't have intercourse, there are still other things she can do. If she is in such pain that she is unable to do a HJ or BJ, she can still lie there in some lingerie and whisper sweet (or dirty) words to him while he takes care of himself with her. The point is - she needs to do SOMETHING to help maintain the intimacy in her marriage. Instead, she is discounting his feelings and refusing to do ANYTHING. She's not upholding her part of the deal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bwright42tx Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Well this is true, but the promise comes with an understanding that both people are going to actually participate in the marriage. If she is in major pain and can't have intercourse, there are still other things she can do. If she is in such pain that she is unable to do a HJ or BJ, she can still lie there in some lingerie and whisper sweet (or dirty) words to him while he takes care of himself with her. The point is - she needs to do SOMETHING to help maintain the intimacy in her marriage. Instead, she is discounting his feelings and refusing to do ANYTHING. She's not upholding her part of the deal. And is she can find the energy and the motivation to shave her bikini line, which I assume means she's also keeping her legs shaved, etc, then she should be capable of some form of intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Just curious about the majority of responses here ... what happened to marital promises? OP, did you promise to love and cherish in sickness and in health? Or do we just go around now and dump our spouses when illness or injury makes it difficult for them to perform sexually? Wow, is all I can say. In sickness and in health applies to the sick just as much as it does to the healthy. The vow to love your spouse in sickness and in health doesn't only apply to the healthy one loving the sick one. It means the sick one has to put in the effort too. It doesn't give the sick party a free pass to take the support and give nothing back in return. The sick party is not exempted from the vow any more than the healthy. He's living up to his vows and is still loving and desiring and supporting her. She is not even trying to live up to her vows. That does give him just cause to terminate the contract if he so chooses. Edited July 10, 2014 by oldshirt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DrJam Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Some days i feel very selfish about this. Here i am, healthy, able, and without significant pain, and yet ia make a big deal about sex? She cannot do most of what she used to love doing, (biking, snowboarding, tennis, etc) and i keep bringing up sex. Sex sex sex. As well i can't help but wonder if i am just being a creepy pervert and instead of letting my wife be comfortable i cant stop objectifing her (her condtion does make wearing tops uncomfortable, and also her internal thermostat is wonky causing her to sweat in some delicate areas making pants optional). I just wish we could swap bodies and minds for a day so we could better empathize with each other. DrJ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HomoSapiensNature Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 In sickness and in health applies to the sick just as much as it does to the healthy. The vow to love your spouse in sickness and in health doesn't only apply to the healthy one loving the sick one. It means the sick one has to put in the effort too. It doesn't give the sick party a free pass to take the support and give nothing back in return. The sick party is not exempted from the vow any more than the healthy. He's living up to his vows and is still loving and desiring and supporting her. She is not even trying to live up to her vows. That does give him just cause to terminate the contract if he so chooses. This is why monogamy is ridiculous - most couples are never satisfied or happy - you can love and cherish - but if not reciprocated you must find someone who will satisfy your natural human needs. A vow is a vow - created by an archaic religion and puritanical culture of 300 years ago. Humans can share - love can be shared - intimacy must be shared. If one spouse isnt participating the other spouse must be allowed to find intimacy with another homo sapien - my unorthodox philosophy in a nutshell:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Rough situation OP. I sympathize with both you and your wife. She cant help that she feels no desire or is in pain a lot of the time during the day. I think it is probably best to divorce. It doesnt mean you dont care about each other. But part of a romantic relationship is a sexual connection...and youve dealt with this for years. We only have so long on this earth bro. Prepare for the divorce...prepare for things to get nasty possibly. And definitely be prepared to be sending some money her way. I dunno how understanding a court would be on your leaving your marriage for this reason. Our court systems favor women...and even though many guys in the system know marriages arent forever....guys get the short end of the stick when marriages do end. She gets disability now doesnt she? Or is she totally supported by you? At the end of all this she will likely have both. Which isnt terrible...as your wife got dealt a bad hand with regard to her health. You wont be able to rekindle anything with someone who doesnt desire you. So please leave and find a woman who truly completes you and makes you happy. Youve been unhappy for a decade bro. Thats no way to live. Go be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 It doesn't give the sick party a free pass to take the support and give nothing back in return. She does... she has sex with him, only not as frequently as the OP would like because she is in pain... There have been periods when I was really stressed out because of my work and I had zero libido. Sex was last thing on my mind. Luckily, my wife has zero libido too... What I'm getting at is, I've experienced what having zero libido means (although only for a few days)... you just don't want it. Doesn't cross your mind. Same for the OP's wife. She has deleted sex from her body and mind. Having said that, if the OP is very unhappy, he should go. Open the wallet, support her, find help for her, but live your life. You have no children, you can do it. Or accept the situation and put up with it, because it's not going to change. You can't reason with her. She is in pain and you can't win against that. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I wonder what the response to this thread would be if the OP was a woman whose husband had a disability and could not perform sexually and she was considering leaving him because of lack of sex. Would all guys tell her to leave him that easily, as they do to this male OP now, or would they misunderstand her and call her a cold hearted b#tch who wanted to leave her handicapped husband cause of sex? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I wonder what the response to this thread would be if the OP was a woman whose husband had a disability and could not perform sexually and she was considering leaving him because of lack of sex. Would all guys tell her to leave him that easily, as they do to this male OP now, or would they misunderstand her and call her a cold hearted b#tch who wanted to leave her handicapped husband cause of sex? she can perform sexually... obviously, in a limited way. I agree with you, though... the OP has to realise that his wife has a disability. That's life, unfortunately. At the end of the day, it's up to him, it's his choice. Would I leave? Well, I'm already in a marriage with very little sex and I'm still here. Sometimes, sex is not everything. I think the OP is missing the intimacy and that makes his marriage feeling rather empty. Also, the lack of empathy from his wife is a problem. She is refusing to do little sexual acts for him that would make the OP a lot happier. We don't really know the extent of her pain. If I were in his wife's shoes, I would let him go. She must realise that his life is hell too.... Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I wonder what the response to this thread would be if the OP was a woman whose husband had a disability and could not perform sexually and she was considering leaving him because of lack of sex. Would all guys tell her to leave him that easily, as they do to this male OP now, or would they misunderstand her and call her a cold hearted b#tch who wanted to leave her handicapped husband cause of sex? Yeah, bit like Ruby in the old Kenny Rogers song. I think the point here isn't that she is so sick she can't do it, but that she's ignoring his needs and not prepared to be affectionate or sexual back. And we do only have one stab at this life and if any man or woman can't sort a sexless marriage out with their spouses, then unless they don't want to have sex for the REST OF THEIR LIVES then they should leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I wonder what the response to this thread would be if the OP was a woman whose husband had a disability and could not perform sexually and she was considering leaving him because of lack of sex. Would all guys tell her to leave him that easily, as they do to this male OP now, or would they misunderstand her and call her a cold hearted b#tch who wanted to leave her handicapped husband cause of sex? Apples and oranges. She is capable of having sex, she just doesn't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 (edited) I wonder what the response to this thread would be if the OP was a woman whose husband had a disability and could not perform sexually and she was considering leaving him because of lack of sex. Would all guys tell her to leave him that easily, as they do to this male OP now, or would they misunderstand her and call her a cold hearted b#tch who wanted to leave her handicapped husband cause of sex? I would expect the responses to be the same...especially given the length of the problem, and the spouse's unwillingness to fix the problem. Its not just the sex either...its also the lack of empathy and lack of intimacy as a whole. Id expect a woman in OP's situation to get even more advice to leave because of the lack of emotional support. Edited July 11, 2014 by kaylan Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 She cannot do most of what she used to love doing, (biking, snowboarding, tennis, etc) and i keep bringing up sex. Sex sex sex. And that can be annoying, but at the same time, she has to realize it is important to you, and should be finding SOME way to make it work for both of you. As well i can't help but wonder if i am just being a creepy pervert and instead of letting my wife be comfortable i cant stop objectifing her (her condtion does make wearing tops uncomfortable, and also her internal thermostat is wonky causing her to sweat in some delicate areas making pants optional). There are clothing options that don't leave her walking around half naked. A loose gauzy swimsuit cover, soft robes, loose sundresses. Soft loose tanks and knit elastic shorts... there are lots of options. She should be kinder and more understanding toward you. I just wish we could swap bodies and minds for a day so we could better empathize with each other. It is very nice of you to want to try to understand, and to consider things from her POV. She needs to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I wonder what the response to this thread would be if the OP was a woman whose husband had a disability and could not perform sexually and she was considering leaving him because of lack of sex. Would all guys tell her to leave him that easily, as they do to this male OP now, or would they misunderstand her and call her a cold hearted b#tch who wanted to leave her handicapped husband cause of sex? We have to keep things apples to apples. If it were a new condition I would reccommend them seeing Dr/therapist to look into treatments, implants, injections, other positions/methods etc. However if the guy had spent 14 years blowing her off and making her feel like a pervert for wanting a sexual relationship and telling her to "get over it," I would advise her to move on as well. There is a huuuuge difference between someone who has some physical imparements but is still attracted to their spouse and still wants to be with them and willing to do other methods, vs someone who doesn't want to be with them and is making virtually no effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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