Surprise

[KaliLove]

Solo, you are rewarding his bad behavior right now by continuing to speak to and see him after he failed to do what he said he was going to do. You're teaching him that it's completely ok for him to walk all over you and treat you like garbage.

[Nothisgirl]

Solo, you are rewarding his bad behavior right now by continuing to speak to and see him after he failed to do what he said he was going to do. You're teaching him that it's completely ok for him to walk all over you and treat you like garbage.

 

Unfortunately, I think this particular mm learnt that a long time ago...seems to me he hasn't suffered one single consequence of this A to date.... I suspect this to be a great big disaster when it finally blows up...solo..I truly hope you get out and demand more..."forget how you FEEL and remember what you DESERVE"

[solostand]

I know, I do forget how much "power" I have over this relationship and have allowed him to take my power.

 

Believe me, we have had some big fights (or I have, he just kind of cowered) and he told me later that he CANNOT STAND IT when I am angry at him.

 

Part of the reason I'm still here, to be absolutely honest, is that I have become dependent on him financially as well as emotionally. I am expecting that to stop now that I have a new full-time job. Also, due to work, I haven't been able to see him as often and while at work my mind is usually not on him, Thank God.

 

Still, he had to help me out of a financial bind yesterday and I was terrified to ask and all he did was open his wallet and give me the money and told me to forget about it.

 

See, he knows too that I need him. . .

[whichwayisup]

Do you have other family or friends who you can borrow money from? Or even a bank loan? Put a mortgage on your house? Your MM isn't the only person.

 

Anyway hopefully with you working full time now you won't ever have to ask or get money from him ever again. That is something that has to stop, for your own sake and sanity.

 

And, I hope you have the strength to end this unhealthy affair someday soon. He is never leaving his wife and divorcing her. I'd bet my life on it.

[Sub]

He is never leaving his wife and divorcing her. I'd bet my life on it.

 

I feel as if this is besides the point. Even if he does leave his W, OP has to wonder what she's in for after this debacle. Based purely on the info she's shared about him on this board, the MM doesn't appear to be someone to trust with your heart, and is a complete egomaniac. Throw in the age difference, and where's the potential for long-term happiness here?

[KaliLove]

I know, I do forget how much "power" I have over this relationship and have allowed him to take my power.

 

Believe me, we have had some big fights (or I have, he just kind of cowered) and he told me later that he CANNOT STAND IT when I am angry at him.

 

Part of the reason I'm still here, to be absolutely honest, is that I have become dependent on him financially as well as emotionally. I am expecting that to stop now that I have a new full-time job. Also, due to work, I haven't been able to see him as often and while at work my mind is usually not on him, Thank God.

 

Still, he had to help me out of a financial bind yesterday and I was terrified to ask and all he did was open his wallet and give me the money and told me to forget about it.

 

See, he knows too that I need him. . .

 

So..he gives you money (and lies) and you give him sex.

 

Why don't you think you're better than this?

[gettingstronger]

The financial dependency thing adds a twist for sure but does not change the fact that you should expect more for and from yourself. Start today towards a life that is happy and sustainable for you.

Edited August 1, 2014 by gettingstronger

[Mount]

Long time not been here, hope you WWI is doing well. But why you bet your life on it? :bunny:

 

Do you have other family or friends who you can borrow money from? Or even a bank loan? Put a mortgage on your house? Your MM isn't the only person.

 

Anyway hopefully with you working full time now you won't ever have to ask or get money from him ever again. That is something that has to stop, for your own sake and sanity.

 

And, I hope you have the strength to end this unhealthy affair someday soon. He is never leaving his wife and divorcing her. I'd bet my life on it.

[solostand]

Right now I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, although the ILY's are coming fast and furious.

 

It's not that I NEED a man, I have been happily single for long portions of my life and like being single. I'm not one of those people who has to have a man, dammit!

 

I do ultimately intend to tell his wife. I have decided that is the best way to deal with this. However, his daughter is staying with them right now and she is about to give birth any day now, so I'll hold off until that happy occassion has some time past it.

 

His attitude toward his first grandchild so far is "meh". He is hoping his daughter does not go into labor in front of him.

[Hope Shimmers]

His attitude toward his first grandchild so far is "meh". He is hoping his daughter does not go into labor in front of him.

 

Hi solostand... what exactly do you see in this man?

[anne1707]

Solo

 

I am a long term poster here but I don't think I have commented on one of your threads before.

 

I have to ask why you think the best way to deal with this is to tell his wife? From what you have posted, this sorry excuse of a man has flaunted his affair with you in her face. What difference do you think it will make by you saying anything to her? You know that he will lie and manipulate and make you sound like some mad bunny boiler. You deserve better than him. His wife deserves better than him.

 

Be the woman you can and want to be. Walk away from this POS.

[MuddyFootprints]

How much time? Have you told him of your ultimate intention?

 

Solo, I just want to hug you and shake you at the same time.

 

This guy makes my guts crawl.

 

I hate admitting it, but I recognise too many personality quirks that are similar to the person I got involved with that I chose to ignore or overlook.

 

You. Don't. Deserve. Him.

[whichwayisup]

Right now I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, although the ILY's are coming fast and furious.

 

That's a selfish manipulation tactic on his behalf to keep you happy and feeling good about him so you won't be pissed at him for not leaving in July when he said he would. He's pulling wool over your eyes and you're letting him fool you. Deep down I think you know what is going on but choosing to ignore all the red flags.

 

It's not that I NEED a man, I have been happily single for long portions of my life and like being single. I'm not one of those people who has to have a man, dammit!

 

You need his money though. If you didn't "need" him you would have ended this a while ago during one of his other empty and broken promises to you.

 

I do ultimately intend to tell his wife. I have decided that is the best way to deal with this. However, his daughter is staying with them right now and she is about to give birth any day now, so I'll hold off until that happy occassion has some time past it.

 

As long as you know by telling his wife there's a good chance he may turn on you and walk away forever.

His attitude toward his first grandchild so far is "meh". He is hoping his daughter does not go into labor in front of him.

 

Shame on him if he truly feels this way about his first grandchild. That's actually sickening to read.

 

And if he really doesn't feel that way, then he is downplaying the birth of his first grandchild for your sake and fooling YOU, minimizing his excitement to not upset you.

[KaliLove]

Right now I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, although the ILY's are coming fast and furious.

 

It's not that I NEED a man, I have been happily single for long portions of my life and like being single. I'm not one of those people who has to have a man, dammit!

 

I do ultimately intend to tell his wife. I have decided that is the best way to deal with this. However, his daughter is staying with them right now and she is about to give birth any day now, so I'll hold off until that happy occassion has some time past it.

 

His attitude toward his first grandchild so far is "meh". He is hoping his daughter does not go into labor in front of him.

 

You're not in a holding pattern. You were in one before, when he had given you a solid deadline to leave his wife. Now you're choosing to remain in this painful position. He has shown you who he really is. You're allowing yourself to waste your life waiting around for this pathetic old man.

 

Sure, he can throw money at you to keep you sweet..that doesn't mean he cares..that means he likes feeling like a hero, and he likes you being dependent on him so you cannot tell his wife and get him in trouble, and that you owe him.

 

Why don't you think you deserve more than this?

[bathtub-row]

What's the point in telling his wife? This man helps you out financially but won't make a decision about his marriage. This is pretty typical of affairs and anyone who gets involved in one must know the risk they're taking. If you're that pissed off, then walk away. If you've made yourself dependent on him financially, that's just as much your doing as his. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you took a gamble in this situation and, so far, have lost. Why blame him for that, or do something that will potentially crush his wife?

[KaliLove]

What's the point in telling his wife? This man helps you out financially but won't make a decision about his marriage. This is pretty typical of affairs and anyone who gets involved in one must know the risk they're taking. If you're that pissed off, then walk away. If you've made yourself dependent on him financially, that's just as much your doing as his. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you took a gamble in this situation and, so far, have lost. Why blame him for that, or do something that will potentially crush his wife?

 

His wife has a right to know what kind of douchebag she's married to so she can decide for herself whether or not she wants to stay with him.

[solostand]

Well I must be a very weak person or just not pissed off enough yet.

 

Saturday night I had a date with an available man. It was fun and I had a good time.

 

Sunday morning I left my phone off until 9 a.m. (he usually calls around eight). When I turned it back on he started phoning - I didn't answer. He phoned four times within one hour. I felt proud.

 

By the afternoon I felt weakness setting in and, yep you guessed it, I phoned him. He was relieved to hear from me.

 

As to why I want to tell his wife, I think she already knows deep in her heart, she knows my name and has been warned about me et cetera, and I think there is a lot of gaslighting going on. She deserves to know that her husband has been declaring love to another woman for two years.

 

I was hoping to see him today but he phoned and he has to work. I believe it, but I was a little pissy so he has phoned three times since with little nuggets like "I saw black eyed susans and thought of you." blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, this baby is about to arrive any day now and I am picturing him at a Christening and all happy families and although I should be happy for his daughter, and I am sort of, I can't help thinking how this will affect my life.

[Shadowburn]

Well I must be a very weak person or just not pissed off enough yet.

 

Saturday night I had a date with an available man. It was fun and I had a good time.

 

Sunday morning I left my phone off until 9 a.m. (he usually calls around eight). When I turned it back on he started phoning - I didn't answer. He phoned four times within one hour. I felt proud.

 

By the afternoon I felt weakness setting in and, yep you guessed it, I phoned him. He was relieved to hear from me.

 

As to why I want to tell his wife, I think she already knows deep in her heart, she knows my name and has been warned about me et cetera, and I think there is a lot of gaslighting going on. She deserves to know that her husband has been declaring love to another woman for two years.

 

I was hoping to see him today but he phoned and he has to work. I believe it, but I was a little pissy so he has phoned three times since with little nuggets like "I saw black eyed susans and thought of you." blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, this baby is about to arrive any day now and I am picturing him at a Christening and all happy families and although I should be happy for his daughter, and I am sort of, I can't help thinking how this will affect my life.

 

After baby arrives, he'll have even less time for you. He will grow distant, there will be less calls. You'll start getting pissed off, he'll throw you a bone - make you a present or something, will become sweet and attentive again for a few days - then cycle will repeat itself. Lather, rinse, repeat. It will end when you will end it.

[whichwayisup]

Long time not been here, hope you WWI is doing well. But why you bet your life on it? :bunny:

 

His actions. This guy is just happy to continue to have the affair and stay married. He reap the benefits of both. No way is he gonna give up a 30 year marriage and all that history plus with 1st grandchild on the way... He balked at the July promise and he is a very good manipulator and liar.

[Sub]

She deserves to know that her husband has been declaring love to another woman for two years.

 

Yet he's still there. So, even if you share the truth (out of the goodness of your heart) about his love for you, it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to be dismissive of you. Kind of a "Honey, you're in over your head here." type of reply. I'm sure she knows - after years of marriage with this man and all of the things she's heard recently - about what she's dealing with. And most likely she's already carefully considered her responses and reactions to the situation.

[Mount]

Agree. Look at my case, MM is also having marriage for over 35 years, I would not be surprised that MM's wife does not know his pattern?

 

In my case, MM even always boldly exposes his Affair in front of his wife by blaming me, although he turned around always picking up the affair again (i have responsiblity that participating too).

 

Yet he's still there. So, even if you share the truth (out of the goodness of your heart) about his love for you, it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to be dismissive of you. Kind of a "Honey, you're in over your head here." type of reply. I'm sure she knows - after years of marriage with this man and all of the things she's heard recently - about what she's dealing with. And most likely she's already carefully considered her responses and reactions to the situation.

[solostand]

There is no pattern. This is his first affair. I think he is in over his head. I can tell by the way he talks. There are other ways I can tell too. I too am over my stupid head. Also, we have such an open relationship he would tell me. He knows about my previous affair, and he shares openly about his past.

 

His wife probably does know, but I don't think she knows the extent of it. I've got lots of proof if it comes down to it.

[DKT3]

There is no pattern. This is his first affair. I think he is in over his head. I can tell by the way he talks. There are other ways I can tell too. I too am over my stupid head. Also, we have such an open relationship he would tell me. He knows about my previous affair, and he shares openly about his past.

 

His wife probably does know, but I don't think she knows the extent of it. I've got lots of proof if it comes down to it.

 

 

Your motivation for telling has nothing to do with his wife, and everything to do with you thinking that if she knows all she would dump him and he would then have no other option then to finally be with you. The thing is, that's not how it works. The most likely outcome of that in a 35 year marriage is she will put an end to you being involved. He will most likely paint you as some crazy stalker like bunny boiler and he at one point was involved with.

 

I recall reading a comment that you made about it dawning on you that your low self esteem opened you up to him, and that you knew there was nothing special about this relationship. Why the charge now? Another thing, his wife isn't being gaslighted, I doubt she knows, you are the one being gaslighted, what's his next excuse? He will leave her once the grandchild graduates high school?

[KaliLove]

There is no pattern. This is his first affair. I think he is in over his head. I can tell by the way he talks. There are other ways I can tell too. I too am over my stupid head. Also, we have such an open relationship he would tell me. He knows about my previous affair, and he shares openly about his past.

 

His wife probably does know, but I don't think she knows the extent of it. I've got lots of proof if it comes down to it.

 

It's his first affair that you are aware of. I highly doubt it's actually his first affair. He seems to be a very, very good liar and manipulator. You are wearing rose-colored glasses.

 

I'd put money on this not being his first affair.

 

He lies to his wife and he's known and loved her for a lot longer than he's known and loved you. What makes you so special? Why do you think he's not capable of lying to you?

[Mount]

I have to agree.

 

In my case the MM said the same thing, but I doubted in my gut. Unfortunately historical life can not be played on video, you /we have no way to prove if others do not speak up.

 

So if affairs are not MMs' First Rodeo, I am not say their wives are used to, but at least no big surprise for them.

 

It's his first affair that you are aware of. I highly doubt it's actually his first affair. He seems to be a very, very good liar and manipulator. You are wearing rose-colored glasses.

 

I'd put money on this not being his first affair.

 

He lies to his wife and he's known and loved her for a lot longer than he's known and loved you. What makes you so special? Why do you think he's not capable of lying to you?