Surprise

[Sugar Magnolia]

the guy is full of ****, he is just keeping you reeled in.... step back and look..

[PerfectlyImperfect]

Yes leave the married man alone... screw him... he will do you wrong to love. Don't get caught up.

[solostand]

The guys rich and has been married for 30 years and all he offered her was $150000 and a truck? He's a cheap bastard.

 

 

At his age and his income level he knows damn well how divorce works. He knows his wife can't take it all. He doesn't want a divorce and he's playing you for a fool.

 

No, he said she could have EVERYTHING ELSE and he would leave for $150,000 and his truck.

[MissBee]

Something is slowly changing in me. I am finally beginning to realize that MM has EXACTLY what he wants - a wife to cook clean and do his laundry and provide him with meals and generally care for him - and an attractive woman 15 years younger than him who strokes his ego and gives him great sex. I know he would by happy to die this way. . .

 

Its just the futility of it all - - - I am comfortable living alone but I would at some point like to meet someone and have a real relationship.

 

Yesterday I was "this close" to dumping him because he cancelled a date (for a valid reason but I DIDN'T CARE). He could tell I was really upset and he called and called and I refused to answer. He left apology's on my answering machine and finally I caved. He said he was afraid I would never take his calls again. We met today and he told me he was jealous of all the men I must be dating (little does he know I am not dating anyone because I am so emotionally attached to him). He has no idea what I'm up to when I'm not with him.

 

Anyhoo, today I was out and about, selling some crafts in the city that I live in. I noticed a man parked in a large Yukon in a nearby parking lot. He walked over to talk to me - turns out he was an RCMP officer. Sparks sparked. He was a perfect gentleman but I could tell he was interested so I gave him my card. And it got me thinking - - - he's my age, handsome, and single, so why not go for it!

 

I also plan to tell MM tomorrow about meeting this man. . .it'll make him think.

 

Good for you!

 

However, I don't think telling your MM will amount to anything. He'll seethe with jealousy I'm sure but I doubt he will fear losing you and will all of a sudden leave his wife because of this, so don't go in expecting that.

 

I think deciding to be done is great but I don't think you should play games and try to make MM jealous or take this guy for a ride if you plan to only use him to make MM think.

[solostand]

The thing is, I don't want to take this single man for a ride. I really, really liked him and I would be thrilled to date him.

 

As for MM, I agree, he may WANT to be with me full time, but he does NOT have the courage to leave. I am starting to realize that I am far too compliant of a girlfriend for him, not much drama, follow all the rules, never kick up but when I DO KICK UP, which I have, its traumatic for him, He is afraid of my anger, he keeps telling me he has never met a creature such as me. Meanwhile his wife is making him egg salad sandwiches and making sure he is looked after. I should kick up more or just kick him out of my bed, lol.

 

I kind of think she knows but is ignoring it for now.

 

I did learn a startling thing recently. He told me he took his wife's virginity, which made me think she has never been with any man but him. He says, of course, that sex was never important to his wife and she now assumes he is having erectile dysfunction. Which, he says, he does experience at home.

[anika99]

No, he said she could have EVERYTHING ELSE and he would leave for $150,000 and his truck.

 

Well in that case it makes even less sense. She's willing to let him leave with 1/2 his pension and if he's as rich as you say he is, 1/2 his pension is going to be worth more than $150000 and a truck.

[Cali408]

Solostand, you've been wanting to leave him for over a year. Hear that, it's opportunity knocking. Time to embrace and move on. Best of luck to you, you deserve it.

 

Affairs unfortunately, take up about 85% of our thought processes during the day.

 

Mount the mountie, kick the cad to the curb.

[MissBee]

The thing is, I don't want to take this single man for a ride. I really, really liked him and I would be thrilled to date him.

 

As for MM, I agree, he may WANT to be with me full time, but he does NOT have the courage to leave. I am starting to realize that I am far too compliant of a girlfriend for him, not much drama, follow all the rules, never kick up but when I DO KICK UP, which I have, its traumatic for him, He is afraid of my anger, he keeps telling me he has never met a creature such as me. Meanwhile his wife is making him egg salad sandwiches and making sure he is looked after. I should kick up more or just kick him out of my bed, lol.

 

I kind of think she knows but is ignoring it for now.

 

I did learn a startling thing recently. He told me he took his wife's virginity, which made me think she has never been with any man but him. He says, of course, that sex was never important to his wife and she now assumes he is having erectile dysfunction. Which, he says, he does experience at home.

 

At the end of the day none of this matters, don't you see?

 

Wondering if his wife secretly knows, whether she was a virgin or not, if she makes egg sandwiches or not or whether he's "never seen a creature like you before" .

 

Your initial post seemed to be you coming to your senses then devolved back into the usual. As you initially said, he is right where he wants to be and the whole thing is juvenile.

 

You've been this "creature" for a while now and his wife has been his wife for a while now...so nothing new or amazing there and stuff is still the same ol same ol. You're right. He will die happily this way if you allow it.

[bentleychic]

I agree with MissBee. It also doesn't matter if he has the courage to leave. The question is...do you?

 

I don't. Not, yet. So I DO understand. I play with that decision many, many times a day. I'm not relying on him forever to decide my future based on his decisions, though.

 

What his wife does or does not do, is or is not...doesn't matter. Ultimately, all that matters is MY choice. YOUR choice. We are really the only ones in control of where our lives go. We cannot blame anyone else for the choices that we make. They may influence our choices, but ultimately only we are in control of our choices and happiness.

 

(Now to take my own advice. :/ )

[MissBee]

I agree with MissBee. It also doesn't matter if he has the courage to leave. The question is...do you?

 

I don't. Not, yet. So I DO understand. I play with that decision many, many times a day. I'm not relying on him forever to decide my future based on his decisions, though.

 

What his wife does or does not do, is or is not...doesn't matter. Ultimately, all that matters is MY choice. YOUR choice. We are really the only ones in control of where our lives go. We cannot blame anyone else for the choices that we make. They may influence our choices, but ultimately only we are in control of our choices and happiness.

 

(Now to take my own advice. :/ )

 

Well said!

 

I definitely know it's not easy. Even outside of affairs many people have had the experience in other relationships (or life circumstances) of making it seem like it's all up to the other person, when at the end of the day, you have a choice as well and if for yeaaaars they aren't doing what you want, it gets a bit pointless to chastise them, as your action of staying with them (despite arguing or punishing them every now and again) shows them that you're where you've chosen to be as well.

 

Most MM are having it both ways while the single OW who only has MM for love and affection suffers more. In reality, as you've pointed out solo, he has way less incentive than you to end things and if most OW allow it, a MM often never will. You have to stand up for you after a while. It would be nice if a MM said "I can't give you what you want, so please go. Peace be with you. I'm done" but most aren't gonna say this so you often need to be the one to make the choice for yourself.

[solostand]

Solostand, you've been wanting to leave him for over a year. Hear that, it's opportunity knocking. Time to embrace and move on. Best of luck to you, you deserve it.

 

Affairs unfortunately, take up about 85% of our thought processes during the day.

 

Mount the mountie, kick the cad to the curb.

 

LOL thank you Cali408!

[gia37]

What is his age and yours if I may ask:)?

[solostand]

He is 65. I am 50.

 

About two weeks ago, his first grandchild was born.

 

He phoned me before she was out of the delivery room to tell me of the birth. He didn't know yet how much he weighed, or anything else, except that he was healthy.

 

He also phoned me when he was (literally) about to die from a blood infection, before he went to hospital. He was kind of collapsing on the phone.. He said "I love you." and "pray for me".

 

Problem I have is, even though this seems to be a nowhere path, I actually love the guy and like him, and we have lots of fun together, and I enjoy having time with him. But lately I realize I should be demanding MORE. It's like I'm thrilled when he shows his love for me, but am unable to demand MORE because I'm afraid the decision will not be in my favor. So I passively go along with it, being the PERFECT other woman. So he falls for me, but knows he doesn't have to change anything for me, because I'm accepting the status quo.

 

However, I do not doubt for one second that he is in love with me. He's just a coward.

[Cali408]

Of course he loves you and doesn't want it to end. He doesn't want his other life to end either. Unfortunately you only get him 25% of the time. He doesn't want it to end. You're young and deserve so much more than second best.

[veryhappy]

Did they get a pool?

[Tayla]

He is 65. I am 50.

 

About two weeks ago, his first grandchild was born.

 

He phoned me before she was out of the delivery room to tell me of the birth. He didn't know yet how much he weighed, or anything else, except that he was healthy.

 

He also phoned me when he was (literally) about to die from a blood infection, before he went to hospital. He was kind of collapsing on the phone.. He said "I love you." and "pray for me".

 

Problem I have is, even though this seems to be a nowhere path, I actually love the guy and like him, and we have lots of fun together, and I enjoy having time with him. But lately I realize I should be demanding MORE. It's like I'm thrilled when he shows his love for me, but am unable to demand MORE because I'm afraid the decision will not be in my favor. So I passively go along with it, being the PERFECT other woman. So he falls for me, but knows he doesn't have to change anything for me, because I'm accepting the status quo.

 

However, I do not doubt for one second that he is in love with me. He's just a coward.

 

What is it precisely you would demand? Would you kindly share with the general public how you are the perfect mistress?

[bathtub-row]

Problem I have is, even though this seems to be a nowhere path, I actually love the guy and like him, and we have lots of fun together, and I enjoy having time with him. But lately I realize I should be demanding MORE. It's like I'm thrilled when he shows his love for me, but am unable to demand MORE because I'm afraid the decision will not be in my favor. So I passively go along with it, being the PERFECT other woman. So he falls for me, but knows he doesn't have to change anything for me, because I'm accepting the status quo.

 

However, I do not doubt for one second that he is in love with me. He's just a coward.

 

I actually disagree with your last sentence. I don't think he's a coward, I think he's just being practical. You know, as we age, we become more cautious and it's an extremely risky move for him to uproot his life at this stage. I mean, it would be one thing if his wife had passed away but that's not the case. There are too many complications tied to him leaving his long-term marriage. What he needs to do is pull himself out of fantasyland and admit to you, and to himself, that he simply can't leave his marriage.

 

I understand completely what you're saying about how you feel about your MM. I'm actually quite nuts about my xMM, also. When we first met 14 yrs ago, there was an instant connection and I've never stopped feeling that. I will always consider him a friend, and he still takes me out to dinner occasionally. But I decided a few years ago that I needed to learn to love him from a distance. He doesn't belong to me and we don't belong together. I woke up at some point and realized that I was hanging onto fantasy. The only way his situation would change is if his wife died and I don't want that to happen. So, I love him and I adore him but I will not let myself get involved with him like that ever again. The affair ate up so many years of my life, and it was so demorslizing in so many ways. If it were up to him, we would still be in the affair. But I also think there's a part of him that's grateful to me for keeping him honest.

 

If there's someone else on the horizon for you to date, I say do that. You need to get yourself out of this situation with MM and turn your attention to someone else. The only way you're going to do that is to connect with someone else.

[solostand]

Nope, no pool.

[whichwayisup]

However, I do not doubt for one second that he is in love with me. He's just a coward

 

He isn't a coward. He's a man who loves the drama and intensity of the affair. He has a woman (you) who will keep coming back and putting up with him. He knows how to manipulate you and keep you into him. He has a wife at home whom he lies to and manipulates as well so she will stay married to him. This guy has it made! 2 women who love him! Why on earth would he give either of you up?

 

He loves himself most, and the drama that follows. I think you're addicted to the 'high school' mentality of this as well.

[solostand]

Sure feels like one.

 

Before I go any further, I know I am going to be sort of beaten up by LS members for this post. Your advice IS appreciated, and does sink in, and I DO think about things you have advised and told me whenever I can wrench myself out of denial, which is not very often lately.

 

Anyway, the last week or so MM has been crazy loving to me. He's doing things for me that don't require money (he found a box he thought would be perfect for my art supplies, for example.)

 

Today, we were both feeling very lovey dovey and I said to him, jokingly, "I'll feed you porridge in the nursing home, honey. I'll be there elbowing BS out of the way."

 

Then he said "She won't live that long. Not with the dizzy spells she's been having."

 

Then he proceeded (and I am almost embarrassed to write this) to say how much fun he and I could have with the life insurance. . .

 

STUPID ME I did not reprimand him. It was only when he left that I thought Jesus Christ, he must HATE his wife.

 

But he is never, ever, ever anything less than kind and sweet to me. I have seen him angry at me, but it goes away in five minutes. Maybe that's why I'm perplexed at this passive agressive business with his wife.

 

She, the daughter, and the new grandchild are leaving next week to take the baby home to the daughter's home, which is about a thousand miles away. He is not going. We'll see what happens.

 

I should add that when I was unhappily married, I had fantasies of my husband dying of natural causes, but I realized those fantasies were because I was feeling trapped, so I left him instead.

 

Let the rage begin.

Edited September 6, 2014 by solostand

[DKT3]

Sure feels like one.

 

Before I go any further, I know I am going to be sort of beaten up by LS members for this post. Your advice IS appreciated, and does sink in, and I DO think about things you have advised and told me whenever I can wrench myself out of denial, which is not very often lately.

 

Anyway, the last week or so MM has been crazy loving to me. He's doing things for me that don't require money (he found a box he thought would be perfect for my art supplies, for example.)

 

Today, we were both feeling very lovey dovey and I said to him, jokingly, "I'll feed you porridge in the nursing home, honey. I'll be there elbowing BS out of the way."

 

Then he said "She won't live that long. Not with the dizzy spells she's been having."

 

Then he proceeded (and I am almost embarrassed to write this) to say how much fun he and I could have with the life insurance. . .

 

STUPID ME I did not reprimand him. It was only when he left that I thought Jesus Christ, he must HATE his wife.

 

But he is never, ever, ever anything less than kind and sweet to me. I have seen him angry at me, but it goes away in five minutes. Maybe that's why I'm perplexed at this passive agressive business with his wife.

 

She, the daughter, and the new grandchild are leaving next week to take the baby home to the daughter's home, which is about a thousand miles away. He is not going. We'll see what happens.

 

I should add that when I was unhappily married, I had fantasies of my husband dying of natural causes, but I realized those fantasies were because I was feeling trapped, so I left him instead.

 

Let the rage begin.

 

Ommm, if he hated her as much as he is leading you to believe he wouldn't be inventing reasons to stay.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but know it seems he is saying he isn't going to be with you until she is no long living.

 

I don't think you seeing this for what it is, only what you want it to be.

[solostand]

Probably but I have come to the conclusion that he is a coward. Wants to leave, but scared to.

[DKT3]

Probably but I have come to the conclusion that he is a coward. Wants to leave, but scared to.

 

So is that the type of man you deserve? Or do you deserve a man that will put you first even when its not easy to do?

[herself]

Hes being EXTRA lovey dovey to ensure he gets lots of sex while his wife is away.

[Art_Critic]

It was only when he left that I thought Jesus Christ, he must HATE his wife.

 

After reading what you just wrote all I could think of is "this is your future" I don't think it has anything to do with you being and OW and him a MM, this is just who he is.. period.. ruthless and hateful.

 

Any person who would say those type of things about someone they once loved has some serious serious issues...

 

Treat this as a window into your future.. dump the chump and find someone deserving of your love, if you don't you will wind up being on the same end as his wife is now.. and I don't mean being cheated on but being treated in such a horrible manner..