whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 No marriage is perfect....and some marriages need dissolving but many people never do and when they have 35 years of it under their belt and haven't left yet, chances are they never will. If nothing else, the fear of the unknown will outweigh anything else, as they know this other person in and out and have security of 35 years with them and they are only getting older starting over, divorcing and all the fallout doesn't at all sound appealing. I agree, and it's rare that someone in their mid 60's, married 35 years will just up and leave, start over again, give up everything they've been accustomed to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) He told me he's leaving. He says its all fighting all the time at home and on July 15th he gets a big check and he's gone. That doesn't make sense. If he wants to claim that check as separate property, he would need to separate before receiving it (and that assumes it even is of the rare type of income that could be claimed separately). She would get half the cheque but the check is pretty big so that's doable. Oh, right. She gets half the cheque regardless of whether or when he "leaves", so that July 15th comment made no sense. He has no need to wait for that cheque. NONE. It was just an offhanded nonsensical crack that doesn't hold up to the slightest scrutiny, and sadly to you it has become a fresh harbinger of renewed hope. Edited June 30, 2014 by SoleMate 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 He sounds like the kind of MM who uses the OW as a sounding board to complain about their wives, get pity, sex and love and then stay married to this horrible pool-wanter. Right. His harpy wife hounding him to the grave with pool maintenance. Let alone the fact that he is the Energizer bunny working 60 hours a week and having sex with you....1 extra hour of light work a week is too much for him. Or....here's an idea......he could strike back and protect his health by.....NOT MAINTAINING THE POOL! Let it go green with algae....let his wife know now that he doesn't care to do the maintenance.....talk it through with her and come up with a solution, like maybe a pool service. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Why is maintaining a pool such a hassle? For the money this guy (literally) hands out to people, wouldn't he just hire a pool service?? Also you said the money on July 15 is the first installment of a contract...that makes me think he'll just wait to leave until the next installment then the next one and so on. Solo, do you even WANT to be with him full time? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I agree, and it's rare that someone in their mid 60's, married 35 years will just up and leave, start over again, give up everything they've been accustomed to. Especially in two weeks... A 35 year relationship takes more than 2 weeks to dissolve. So I vote that MM is BSing....but let's see what happens on July 15th. At most I imagine he may go stay with his brother for a while but that is nowhere the same as moving out permanently and divorcing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 You will find the truth in that tiny overlooked bit of message. He'll have to maintain the pool and he's unhappy because its a lot of work. He sees himself in the same spot, living the same life. People who don't envision the new life do not get there. His anger towards the bw is meant to get her attention. He wants to punish her for her wrongdoings, but if shell show the slightest sign of attention he'll wiggle his tail and stomp all over you running to her. I know where you are emotionally, but truly prepare yourself for this not ending well for you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 In my limited experience, MM like to fantasize about being single (and MW too, it seems!) and they especially like to do it with someone else. Fantasizing is always better when you have willing participants. I believe they enter into this mindset when they are with the OW. PS - by being single I mean free to do what they want and without the responsibility and drudgery of married life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Solo, you said in your other thread a few days ago that his pregnant daughter was staying with him and his wife until the baby is born. Really think about this. Do you honestly believe he will leave his wife, leave behind his pregnant daughter and miss out on the birth of his first grandchild? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Hi solo, I think that some of the replies have sounded unnecessarily harsh. I don't know you or your AP, so though it is easy to say he is spinning you a line etc etc, it would be better to ask how you feel about this situation? Isn't it everyone's deeply held secret dream... Look he loves me best after all. Your AP leaving for you is the ultimate validation, and sometimes when people post on last, with happy ending we all sigh wistfully and congratulate them. What's to say this isn't yours solo? And tbf it is better he leaves because he is done with the marriage than specifically for you. Have you discussed with him were this new situation will leave your relationship? What do you see happening? Are you prepared for the fallout? Yes meeting someone and having an affair is, by our societies standards wrong, but it does happen and if he is leaving so he can be in a relationship with you, well we should recognise he is trying to do tge right thing. I wish you well and will wait to see what happens If the Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I promise, if I posted here what my MM said in the year and month leading up to him leaving I would have gotten the same responses. No one can predict the future so it is easy to opine on what may or may not happen. I will say, what I did, was ask for details on what the plan was for him, how he was going to go about doing it, and then step back. A person can have have the most detailed plan and never take the leap or the vaguest one and leap. At the end of the day, anyone planning to divorce must take that step off the edge and just fall. And it is that moment in time that catches many people. I would say, assume he is not, don't put too much stake into what he has to say and continue your life as usual. Even if he does, this is just the beginning to a very stressful time so just keep on moving forward in your life. If he catches up, fantastic. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 The fight over the pool is your clue OP. His wife is right. There is no reason why anyone should have to want what their H wants just because he doesn't want it. If she doesn't want to step into the cold Atlantic ocean, that's her right. The point is if he leaves his W, this is the man you inherit. A man who is coming into a sh-tload of money and does not want to invest in his family a lousy 12000 to put a pool in for the woman he have been married to for 35 years. This is you on July 16th. That woman. You get to take her place? Good luck with that. The full details make it sound worst, sorry. Fight over a pool? Now on the 15th he is leaving and rubbing your back means he doesn't care who knows? It all seems so ridiculous. Married people fight or argue over things all the time...and this fight over a pool doesn't sound like the straw that broke the camel's back. He sounds like the kind of MM who uses the OW as a sounding board to complain about their wives, get pity, sex and love and then stay married to this horrible pool-wanter. It's extremely cliched. So many OW esp those whose MM are older and have been married upwards of 20 years, on LS I can't recall any case where they left, they just stayed with their wives and then complained about petty stuff to the OW who tried to support and who acted like the MM's life was falling apart because he and his wife of 35 years argue about pools or other things. No marriage is perfect....and some marriages need dissolving but many people never do and when they have 35 years of it under their belt and haven't left yet, chances are they never will. If nothing else, the fear of the unknown will outweigh anything else, as they know this other person in and out and have security of 35 years with them and they are only getting older starting over, divorcing and all the fallout doesn't at all sound appealing. LS hates him? I don't know him but the situation sounds like a mess and you sound like a mess about it. You're attached to him but healthy love and simply being attached so you don't want to face the pain of detachment aren't the same things. You sound like you're in the latter case, that this causes you more drama and pain than anything else but you justify staying because of "love" when it's fear of the pain of detaching because you've grown accustomed to him and this situation and for whatever reason would rather endure this drama and be with a man you have to complain about than be done with him. Some look down on BSs for staying with the WS or criticize their sham marriage or non-blissful marriage (although no one lives in constant bliss) yet often OW are just the same...with a MM who for years isn't leaving, is making stuff up, year after year they continue and are hurt by them, but their reason for staying is stated as love, and is often, "I'm attached by now, I've given so much of my time and invested so much of my hope in this MM, that by darn I'm gonna stay with him because the pain of leaving seems worse than the pain of staying and being disappointed time and again." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 She does not swim and is terrified of water. He doesn't want a pool. She doesn't care what he wants - she's gonna get a pool. The pool is only icing on the cake. They've been fighting for a while now. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 She does not swim and is terrified of water. He doesn't want a pool. She doesn't care what he wants - she's gonna get a pool. The pool is only icing on the cake. They've been fighting for a while now. She told you this, what, over coffee? Or did you get it from him, and you believe what? Everything he says? Why do you think his misplaced anger is a sign of strength, its the opposite. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 She does not swim and is terrified of water. He doesn't want a pool. She doesn't care what he wants - she's gonna get a pool. The pool is only icing on the cake. They've been fighting for a while now. Even if she doesn't swim, maybe she likes the idea of their kids and grandkids coming over and using it. Because, ya know, it's fun and stuff for little ones. This guy seems to really just be about himself, IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Even if she doesn't swim, maybe she likes the idea of their kids and grandkids coming over and using it. Because, ya know, it's fun and stuff for little ones. This guy seems to really just be about himself, IMO. Not to mention the increase in property values for the selling off the house in the upcoming divorce 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeebieJeebie Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Not to mention the increase in property values for the selling off the house in the upcoming divorce On the contrary. A pool actually tends to lower the value of a house. It really is an added hassle that most homebuyers would rather do without. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 She does not swim and is terrified of water. He doesn't want a pool. She doesn't care what he wants - she's gonna get a pool. The pool is only icing on the cake. They've been fighting for a while now. Don't they fight all the time? Haven't they separated before? But here they are... My parents probably argue and fight EVERYDAY....my mom has briefly "left" and stayed elsewhere for maybe 2 weeks at most...my dad has been a serial cheater...they've been together for over 26 years and by the look of it will continue to argue and fight but stay married until one of them reaches the grave. Saying all that to say...I'm not seeing the big revelation here. You say they fight all the time and I don't doubt it, but fighting and arguing all the time doesn't mean they will divorce. And they have been separated before but they are still together...so I'm not sure what's new about this fight over a pool that is going to change the game now when they've gone as far as to separate before but never bothered to stay separated. Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 So, July 15 is tomorrow. Any news, OP? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Did he get the check or did he change his story? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 Well here is an update, for better or for worse. The check arrived this week. It is in his personal bank account. He seems to be trying to muster up the courage. He said today that he can't stand it at home. He also said "I'm so in love with you." He did not say he was leaving. I told him I loved him but as usual, he refused to believe it. He has a serious problem believing that I love him. Every time I tell him I love him he says he doesn't believe it. He is so in lust or whatever that he thinks every man that I encounter wants to sweep me away. He also keeps saying "I don't understand why you could love an old man." There is a 15 year age difference. He also thinks I am dating other men (which I'm not but he doesn't have to know that.) I cannot muster up the courage to even ASK him to leave, let alone give him an ultimatum. I don't want to lose him. I have not gotten the courage, or pissed off enough yet, to make the break. I have tried, I truly have. He told me recently that he is not in love with me, he's "obsessed" with me. Yet, he is still married, with a grandson to be born any week now. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Well.. All I can say is you'll continue to do this until you're tired of doing it and hopefully that isn't additional years upon years as it sounds unlikely he is going to do anything different. Someone being obsessed with you isn't healthy and his rampant insecurity is telling as well. Even if he did leave, you guys would have a relationship filled with insecurities, jealousy and "obsession" which has NEVER been a good recipe but are all the ingredients of dysfunction and drama. Anyway....I hope you do get an epiphany and the strength sooner than later to walk away instead of acting like he and this situation are THE BEST you can do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 I agree, but I'm like a pendulum swinging back and forth. Hopefully one day (soon) something will happen that will give me the strength to walk away, or he will leave. I know it will probably end up with me walking away with a broken heart. Even the courage to give an ultimatum would be helpful but I seem to be floating in the air like a loose balloon. I had a very deep think on the whole situation today and came to the (embarrassing) revelation that I LIKE the drama. This is a bad sign, no? Also, for his insecurities, I have equal insecurities. He is passive aggressive, I am passive aggressive. He is conflict avoidant, I am conflict avoidant. Maybe that's what attracted us to each other in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Admitting it is a start. I had to admit that to myself at one point in the past as well...but that was at least a start before I could figure out why I liked the drama and how to not like it anymore. But yea at least if you know where things are, it is a starting place. You either continue doing what you're doing OR at some point grow weary and do something different. I liked drama (although I didn't realize I liked it) and although my mouth was saying I wanted XYZ I kept choosing impossible situations and swinging back and forth and tying myself up dissecting it...until I grew tired of it and genuinely wanted something different and when I did, I started making different choices and got different results. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 I truly hope I have that realization sooner rather than later. I understand this relationship is an addiction. In addiction, you have to WANT to NOT do something, more than you want to do it. Some days I feel I'm there, but I just can't follow through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 I agree and thank-you for the reality check. I've been kind of floating on a cloud this weekend. I saw MM yesterday and today after not seeing each other for a week (I started a new job) and it was most intense. Today he was the most outwardly demonstrative that I have ever seen him. He's not a big I love you guy but today he spent about half an hour to an hour telling me how much he loves me, how much I mean to him, how he thinks about me all day, every day. Don't get me wrong I did advise him how hard it is to be with a married man, and how lucky he was that he still has me. Link to post Share on other sites
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