Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[leesc90]

thanks everyone.

 

i will take control of this situation. i think im gonna go see a therapist, i hate to say it but i think i need some help.

 

i shouldnt feel sad/bad/unhappy that this woman is leaving my life should i? despite what long history we have.

 

i have a hard time rationalizing the truth when i dont sleep/eat/am heart broken... tomorrow i will go back to work, wake up and try my best to be happy..

[sooshi]

It's normal to be saddened by the fact that a long chapter of your life has come to an end. You probably miss her for the long history and friendship you once had, rather than missing HER. Either way, yes, it's saddening. But people come and go, and it's something we need to adjust to.

 

Try not to think that she's leaving your life, because that makes it seem like you're the victim and that you're the one being harmed. In truth, her lack of presence can only do you good right now. There are lyrics that really resonate with me. Instead of thinking that you have been left behind, think about how it's the demons that have been left behind, and not you... at all.

[Trimmer]

The second I blocked my exes number a weight lifted. It just leaves the possibility of them contacted you. Glad you took that step. Took me far too long.

Yes, this is really important - this is both an operational issue (make sure she actually can't contact you) and a symbolic one: until you take control to actively cut off communication, you are still holding on to those twigs, and you know that isn't working, right?

 

You can't just delete her number, you have to block it so her calls don't get through. You have to do this. I've just done this recently with my ex that dumped me. Deleting it means she can still call you and so it hasn't done anything for you. You can't take another call or text from her. You sounded like you're starting to try and move on and then I see you took her call. This to me is a critical step for you to start getting over her and start healing. Until this is done, you will continue to struggle imo. I know I was.

Yes yes yes - take this advice. Break the connection, and take action in doing it. Take our word for it.

 

i will take control of this situation. i think im gonna go see a therapist, i hate to say it but i think i need some help.

You don't even need to "hate to say it". Asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness or a flaw, man. It's part of your taking control - a sign that you are taking action, and that's what I want to see in you: positive, affirmative steps forward, and this would be one of them. It helped me immensely when I was going through a similar loss.

 

i shouldnt feel sad/bad/unhappy that this woman is leaving my life should i? despite what long history we have.

OK, so here's the deal: yes, of course you will feel sad and unhappy. Part of the process is not denying this loss. You had someone important and she will be gone now, this is a loss, and you will grieve. You can't avoid that and still remain human. The key is to experience it honestly, and to be moving forward and upward through it, and not let it drag you backward and down.

 

Having said that, there may be elements of anger and bitterness that you will experience along the way as well. Also not unusual. But the key is (and counseling/therapy may help you with this if you choose it) you don't have to try to cover up the sadness and grief with negative elements: alcohol/drugs, self-harm, stupid risk-taking, becoming a bitter @$$hole... The key is to move through it - knowing that there is a way out and life to be lived even as you work it all out.

 

i have a hard time rationalizing the truth when i dont sleep/eat/am heart broken... tomorrow i will go back to work, wake up and try my best to be happy..

Ha ha... "being happy" may be a lot to ask for in the first few days, so don't feel like you've failed if it doesn't turn out perfectly, OK? Just look for small moments of calm. Brief bits of clarity, maybe even a glimmer of hope once in a while. Notice these and cherish them as little bits of fine chocolate. Understand that they are real, and that they will grow and multiply as you move forward, and things will gradually get better.

 

Don't expect it all at once and then get disappointed and feel like you've failed when it doesn't happen fast enough. Small steps. Feel the grief - that's real. Try to keep your vision forward: ask yourself, "what is possible", and you should come up with lots of good answers! And gradually look for those moments of calm and peace and hope that will get bigger and better as time goes on.

 

And don't f***ing hurt yourself or anyone else, dude - if there's any chance of that, turn off the computer and call someone to get help NOW, OK? Trust me, it is definitely not worth that.

[leesc90]

thanks for the response again trimmer.

 

i think im so F--KING hard on myself. because ive had to go through this healing process like THREE times over this past year because of this girl.

 

AND you think that each time its easier, since well youve built up a wall the first time or the second time, and that itll be easier since its been done before. That is ENTIRELY false.

 

I actually think its quite the contrary..

 

Your advice has been the little chocolates that are moments I find clarity in my day. Thanks my friend.

[leesc90]

i bet a lot of followers on this thread were looking for a happy ending.. to give them hope, but im sorry about the reality of this situation..

[Smarty Pants]

i bet a lot of followers on this thread were looking for a happy ending.. to give them hope, but im sorry about the reality of this situation..

 

Pretty sure most of us saw this coming. It's happened too many times on here.

[HereTodayGoneTomorow]

I've just chimed into your thread and think it must have taken you lot of guts to share with us your situation.

 

Lots of support here for you on your journey and believe me it will eventually have a happy ending. When this arrives it would be great if you came back and shared that with us!

 

Best of luck. You can handle this, you can handle whatever life throws at you.

[leesc90]

so much support here. im thankful for you all. this has been the hardest experience of my 24 years on this earth. i know im just beginning this voyage to recovery, but i cannot wait til im me again posting on here to others telling about how it gets better.

 

until then.. i hope that i dont do anything dumb. that i will regret. this woman is toxic to my existence.

[Chi townD]

If you feel like you're going to do something dumb or stupid, then get yourself to the hospital.

[johnson_j]

Look buddy this girl is a sister to my ex. She isn't worth even being upset over. one day you will see it. so she picked him - I wish you had just told her what I said earlier and then you would have been ok but now there is no doubt. so forget her as hard as it is. I bet dollars to donuts she chases him and gets nowhere.

 

 

hang in there buddy we've all been there.

[lord-christoph]

The crazy part is, is that at the exact same time, I went through this same bull****, with the exact same result. After being broken up for 6 months ex comes back to me saying she loves me and misses me and doesn't know if she wants to stay with the guy she left me for or try again with me. Well I bit hard on that little bit and tried through LC to reestablish things between us. That was foolishness. Only yesterday did I call her and ask her what she was going to do did she actually tell me she is picking him. For me the call was going to be me saying goodbye either way no matter what she said, but hearing she picked him left me in a bit of a daze.

 

Should have been that 4 months ago I told her to piss off with this wishy washy bull**** and blocked her. Well live and learn.

 

Leesc90 if you ever want to commiserate with someone who has gone exactly through what you've been through, at the same time, feel free to message me.

[Trimmer]

i bet a lot of followers on this thread were looking for a happy ending.. to give them hope, but im sorry about the reality of this situation..

Hey man, I've been through this, and I'm still anticipating a happy ending for you. There's absolutely no reason to think otherwise, as long as you don't do something obviously stupid. So don't do something stupid, OK?

 

You had it in your mind that there was only one possible ending that would be happy, but we've been through it, and there is another one out there. You just have to get through the near term junk and get strong again, and you will eventually get there. It won't be instantaneous - it will be gradual - and there isn't some particular special moment where you will blow out a candle, or step across a threshold and notice that things have suddenly changed. It's building a life, filled with possibilities, and you have the privilege of doing that. Little by little, you will get there.

[guest569]

i shouldnt feel sad/bad/unhappy that this woman is leaving my life should i? despite what long history we have.

 

i have a hard time rationalizing the truth when i dont sleep/eat/am heart broken... tomorrow i will go back to work, wake up and try my best to be happy..

 

No one can say what you should or shouldn't feel. But personally I was a total wreck when my ex left me and I stopped eating and cried constantly. It has been 6 months and I am still struggling a lot. You have every right to feel whatever you feel. If you are sad, angry, miserable its okay.

 

When you are ready to get out there and do all the stuff that everyone talks about. New hobbies, clubs etc. But during this time just do what you have to do to get through it day by day. And keep your friends and family around for support.

[leesc90]

yeah. today is a better day. i went to work, ate some food, and i am going to lie to myself every morning that im ok and that im not gonna be sad today until its past me.

 

i thought about her and how shes falling in love with him and i wanted to hide under my desk at work, thinking about past memories and how amazing it was when we were in that phase.

 

must.. move on. no turning back!! no more even looking back..

[Smarty Pants]

yeah. today is a better day. i went to work, ate some food, and i am going to lie to myself every morning that im ok and that im not gonna be sad today until its past me.

 

i thought about her and how shes falling in love with him and i wanted to hide under my desk at work, thinking about past memories and how amazing it was when we were in that phase.

 

must.. move on. no turning back!! no more even looking back..

 

Fake it till you make it brother.

[bigman1]

Okay, here is some tough "love".

 

You got burned, but you knew that was coming. Still, put things in perspective. You missed a trip aboard the Titanic. Sure, you really wanted to go, maybe had fond memories of cruises from the past even though you got food poisoning on those cruises, and you wanted to board the titanic, who had the same cook and crew from your last cruises. This ship was gonna sink. Be glad you missed it.

 

Get your mind right. If you make this girl awesome, she is awesome. If you make this girl real, then you realize how fu*&ed up she is.

As an outsider, I can tell you, she is screwed up. Messed up. Flaky and not worth your time. She is your crack cocaine.

 

Ever see a crack addict? They are miserable. I knew a guy who went from a from a high paying well respected job to sucking di(ks for a few bucks to get high. he hated Crack, hated blowing dudes, but kept doing both because he was addicted. He finally got clean. He cut the crack out, stopped hanging with the same folks that he knew used crack, and stopped going to his old hangouts, and developed better coping skills.

 

My point is this, go cold turkey from her, from shared friends, from places, from anything and everything that you shared with this chick. You will have nite sweats and really want a hit, but as soon as you realize that to have her you gotta suck a few nasty dudes in the alley, you will get your right mind. A crack addict is funny as hell when they are high, and can have some wild times, but behind that high is a nasty dick.

 

What are you willing to suck for this chick? Hopefully, nothing.

[FitnessRN]

I'd tell the girl..."After being with you, I realized I dodged a bullet." ha ha..works all the time

[leesc90]

Thanks guys for helping me see the situation for what it is. in my mind, the trip on the titanic seems like the best thing, and that it isnt going to crash and that whoever gets to ride it is the luckiest person in the world for many reasons.

 

thats not the truth, and reminding myself that is hard, because i dont believe it. having outsiders chime in helps. i wish she wasnt that great, to the point where i wouldnt even have to deliberate like this.

[leesc90]

I need to vent. instead of sending this to my Ex, i hope some of you can answer these questiosn so i dont go to her for answers

 

1. Remember all those times you said, im not ready to date you right now.

in the future, i would want to, but YOU probably wont want to then.

how can you imagine those things when you're falling very deeply for another person?

 

"I think this is a crucial time in our lives for growth and self-actualization. I really believe if we waited until we were both established and actually ready to have a relationship, it would be so much better than if we tried again now. I know there's a risk that one of us will be attached to someone else, or feelings will wander off somewhere along the way.. but that's life. "

 

you wrote that, but you already had feelings for someone else.

self growth? realization? those are things you do when you are not involved with anyone else. thats what I was doing. and theres a risk that we might get attached to someone else..? SHE was already attached to someone else..

 

why the hell would you tell someone all these things, like oh I want to date later you but right now im just not ready to. I need to work on my own goals, etc. (when in reality she was dating another guy).

 

she is a very good hearted person i thought. she donates a lot, always does the charitable thing at great inconvenience to her. why the hell would you blatantly lie wanting to date later, if she has no intent to do these things? she has no intent bc how can you want to date someone in the future when you are developing heavy feelings for another? he IS her later.

 

im so fustrating with these lies finally being removed with the truths in my mind. please help me sort through this. i dont know why someone who would care about you would lie. if you think maybe i might want to do something, i cna understand. but these seem like legit, i dont mean any of this im just gonna say it for no reason. i thank you in advance..

[Chi townD]

I need to vent. instead of sending this to my Ex, i hope some of you can answer these questiosn so i dont go to her for answers

 

1. Remember all those times you said, im not ready to date you right now.

in the future, i would want to, but YOU probably wont want to then.

how can you imagine those things when you're falling very deeply for another person?

 

"I think this is a crucial time in our lives for growth and self-actualization. I really believe if we waited until we were both established and actually ready to have a relationship, it would be so much better than if we tried again now. I know there's a risk that one of us will be attached to someone else, or feelings will wander off somewhere along the way.. but that's life. "

 

you wrote that, but you already had feelings for someone else.

self growth? realization? those are things you do when you are not involved with anyone else. thats what I was doing. and theres a risk that we might get attached to someone else..? SHE was already attached to someone else..

 

why the hell would you tell someone all these things, like oh I want to date later you but right now im just not ready to. I need to work on my own goals, etc. (when in reality she was dating another guy).

 

she is a very good hearted person i thought. she donates a lot, always does the charitable thing at great inconvenience to her. why the hell would you blatantly lie wanting to date later, if she has no intent to do these things? she has no intent bc how can you want to date someone in the future when you are developing heavy feelings for another? he IS her later.

 

im so fustrating with these lies finally being removed with the truths in my mind. please help me sort through this. i dont know why someone who would care about you would lie. if you think maybe i might want to do something, i cna understand. but these seem like legit, i dont mean any of this im just gonna say it for no reason. i thank you in advance..

 

 

Well, there you go, dude! I don't have to answer those questions. You've already answered those questions yourself and you realize how absurd those statements are! This is your closure dude. If she spewing this crap at you, imagine having a face to face with her! It is a bunch of bullsh*t!

 

 

And I'm pretty sure writing these things out is therapeutic to you. I hope spelling these things out for yourself made you feel even just slightly better.

 

 

Keep fighting dude!

[leesc90]

Well, there you go, dude! I don't have to answer those questions. You've already answered those questions yourself and you realize how absurd those statements are! This is your closure dude. If she spewing this crap at you, imagine having a face to face with her! It is a bunch of bullsh*t!

 

 

And I'm pretty sure writing these things out is therapeutic to you. I hope spelling these things out for yourself made you feel even just slightly better.

 

 

Keep fighting dude!

 

i am chi. thanks man, i kept as freaking busy as i could today. i just wish i knew the answers to the questions above..

[Trimmer]

yeah. today is a better day. i went to work, ate some food, and i am going to lie to myself every morning that im ok and that im not gonna be sad today until its past me.

Eating food is a good thing man; that's a positive report!

 

And telling yourself that it's going to be OK is not a lie - you may not believe it yet, and you may not see it yet, but it's not an untruth. If you really need to, you can also tell yourself "Trimmer and Chi townD and SmartyPants and lord-christoph know that I'm going to be OK" (and if anybody happens to hear you, they'll think you've actually gone nutters, but that you make up bizarrely creative names for your imaginary friends...)

 

must.. move on. no turning back!! no more even looking back..

Yes - if I haven't said it already in this thread, it's like riding a horse - you need to lead by looking where you're going. Look forward, move forward, take control, take action. This was my mantra during my own dark days.

 

My point is this, go cold turkey from her, from shared friends, from places, from anything and everything that you shared with this chick. You will have nite sweats and really want a hit, but as soon as you realize that to have her you gotta suck a few nasty dudes in the alley, you will get your right mind. A crack addict is funny as hell when they are high, and can have some wild times, but behind that high is a nasty dick.

 

What are you willing to suck for this chick? Hopefully, nothing.

Oh yeah, and when you're talking to yourself in the mirror, also add "...and remember: bigman says that if I give in to any impulse to dwell on her, I'll be like a messed up crack addict sucking dicks." That imagery should help you snap out of it. (Don't lose your sense of humor, man - that will come back gradually, too.)

[Simon Phoenix]

i am chi. thanks man, i kept as freaking busy as i could today. i just wish i knew the answers to the questions above..

 

Let's say you got the answers. What would that change? She's still with another dude and not with you. While it's natural to want the answers, you'll come to learn that they really don't matter.

[Trimmer]

Let's say you got the answers. What would that change? She's still with another dude and not with you. While it's natural to want the answers, you'll come to learn that they really don't matter.

Indeed - just like breaking NC - which you THINK is the thing you want - ends up making you feel rotten, dirty, worse off than before, and like you've been dragged back in your progress, the whole "if only I had these answers..." think is very much the same.

 

Either the questions themselves would drive you nuts because they are unanswerable - thus guaranteeing continued agony - or else you would take the "answers" and turn them over and over and analyze them and still reach no useful conclusion or peace - again guaranteeing continued agony.

 

Avoid the continued agony - don't dwell on "how could she...; what was she thinking...; why did she..."

 

Look forward, move forward, take control, take action. And don't suck dicks.

[Itspointless]

i am chi. thanks man, i kept as freaking busy as i could today. i just wish i knew the answers to the questions above..

Let's say you got the answers. What would that change? She's still with another dude and not with you. While it's natural to want the answers, you'll come to learn that they really don't matter.

Answers can help you determine if something is hopeless or not and get you in the right mindset (Those answers were given by her. She probably hasn't got arguments for her behaviour as she is probably acting on non-concious processes). But do not think that answers will help you deal with the emotions, they do not. If you got them it would probably feel even cheaper than it does now.