Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[leesc90]

and again you're happiness lies with her?

 

 

You gave away your power...again.

 

what is the right move here?

[Simon Phoenix]

you really think an ultimatum like that is certainly disasterous?..

i thought it was a decent move.. idk my head is a mess right now. sorry im so all over the place guys. i really apprecaite everyones time and concern. truly and really..

 

Yes. Nothing good will happen from this. Here are the possibilities, none of which bode well for you.

 

1. She comes back to you purely out of pity or to keep you as a placeholder. She realizes shortly after that she has little respect and attraction for you and breaks up again, breaking your heart further.

 

2. She says she can't commit to you in that way but appeals to you to stay in touch. Because you have no backbone, you agree to this and you are in the same position as before.

 

3. She says no and says "nice knowing you." You're devastated because you put all your eggs in this basket and she dumped them out and stepped on them. You'll likely continue to try to appeal to her and make yourself look weaker than you already are.

 

Honestly dude, you need to stop talking and start moving. Not responding to her and moving on -- instead of depending on her to push you whereever you are going -- shows strength, resolve, backbone, stuff that people respect. The way you are acting and conducting yourself shows anything but.

[Simon Phoenix]

what is the right move here?

 

To stop talking and move forward. To make a move in your life that benefits you as a person. To stop being a bootlicking pet.

[leesc90]

Yes. Nothing good will happen from this. Here are the possibilities, none of which bode well for you.

 

1. She comes back to you purely out of pity or to keep you as a placeholder. She realizes shortly after that she has little respect and attraction for you and breaks up again, breaking your heart further.

 

2. She says she can't commit to you in that way but appeals to you to stay in touch. Because you have no backbone, you agree to this and you are in the same position as before.

 

3. She says no and says "nice knowing you." You're devastated because you put all your eggs in this basket and she dumped them out and stepped on them. You'll likely continue to try to appeal to her and make yourself look weaker than you already are.

 

Honestly dude, you need to stop talking and start moving. Not responding to her and moving on -- instead of depending on her to push you whereever you are going -- shows strength, resolve, backbone, stuff that people respect. The way you are acting and conducting yourself shows anything but.

 

this is a great post.. im wondering if i should recant my ultimatum and just tell her to be happy and that im gonna just do me

[dumbass2]

this is a great post.. im wondering if i should recant my ultimatum and just tell her to be happy and that im gonna just do me

 

Listen to Simon Phoenix. I wish I had come on here before I sent my email and letter to my ex. He is right. DO NOT go back and take back your ultimatum. Just stop talking or texting right now. Go no contact and move forward. If she contacts you, do not respond. Simon is right. I started doing that with my ex right after she dumped me and I was in control. She was the one contacting me and then after a month I blew it and lost control and sent an email. Get your control back and do as Simon says...... nothing at all and move forward. I wish my ex had just cheated on me and left me for another man. I would move on from that so fast it would make her head spin.

[Simon Phoenix]

this is a great post.. im wondering if i should recant my ultimatum and just tell her to be happy and that im gonna just do me

 

No, you need to stop talking to her altogether. Don't tell her you are stopping, just stop. No more announcements -- you really need to stop doing that.

[Smarty Pants]

Dude I told you to walk away. Now do it. The fact that she has to get back to you should tell you how she feels.

 

Stop talking to her and drop it. You're chasing her. Never chase a girl.

 

Walk away from this now.

[LostConfused123]

Our stories are (somewhat) similar. Actually, I don't know if there was another woman or not.

I went strict NC in October when he ended it. Long story but he sent breadcrumbs after 4 months. I finally replied (stupid me!!!)

Anyway, I finally got fed up with his jerking me around. My fault entirely!! he jerked me around because I let him. Anyway, something woke me up in the middle of the night. The only way I can describe it is sheer terror and panic. Absolutely horrible way to live.

 

I called my phone company right then and changed my number. There is absolutely no way he can contact me now unless he shows up banging on my door.

I never even told him I was changing it. I assume he figured it out when he called or texts the next day. It's been 3 weeks and such a relief!!! I'll admit I'm a little sad, okay sometimes a lot but I'm so proud that I am protecting my sanity and heart. Something he sure as hell never did.

 

Anyway, just sharing what worked for me. It feels very liberating and I got my self esteem and control over my life back. Something to think about ???

 

Also, my phone is also my business phone so if I can do it, anyone can!!! It's definitely worth the hassle! Best of luck!

[LostConfused123]

Oh also I mentioned I didn't know for a fact but I'm pretty sure there was another woman.

 

I made the decision for him!!!

 

Since he seemed to be having such a hard time with deciding if he wants me or not ((MAJOR SARCASM!!)) barf!!!

 

You deserve more dude!! and so do I.

[bigman1]

Ran up on your thread and had to respond. I appreciate all of the alpha vs beta comments and taking back your power comments, but I don't approach life that way. Let's be pragmatic. Both you and the other guy are suckers if either of you are waiting on this girl to make a choice.

 

First, she only cares about herself and that trait will persist throughout her life. Her choice to cheat/leave/string you along are about her. I'm sure she has all of the pained looks of a little princess when she tells you that she does not know what to do.

 

Next, you give her the ultimatum, as if the other sucker did not do the same thing. Which of you is willing to stroke her ego the most and let her pick you. It really is pitiful.

 

That she is having a hard time lets you know the even if she makes you the happiest guy in the world by telling you that she chose you, she will still be looking. After all, you only beat out the other sucker, but you have yet to face the real competition. She will leave you, or cheat on you again. You will put up with it because you are so insecure and so in love with her that you will just die without her.

 

Bottom line, tell her to forget it. That if you are still in some sort of competition then you withdraw. She will be needy, selfish, untrustworthy, and basically ruin your life at some point. Imagine having kids with her and then she tells you that she has fallen in love with someone else and is leaving you and taking the kids. That WILL happen. Suck up the pain, move on with life. Don't give her a second chance to ruin your life because believe me, she will. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Look at what she is doing to you now and ask yourself, (1) how could she do this to you if she really cared about you and (2) if she can do this now, what would stop her from doing it again?

Edited June 28, 2014 by bigman1
left out something

[Trimmer]

i love her, so much. but maybe this is best?

You love who you think she was before all this happened.

 

She's not that person any more and maybe she never was.

 

we talked.. i got myself to say either we get back together or never speak to me again. she is contemplating and willl get back to me..

How is that an ultimatum? You basically left things EXACTLY as they were - with her making the decision. Even without your "ultimatum", if she decided to go with the other guy, she probably wouldn't talk to you again, so how is that any kind of leverage?

 

You took the situation and left it exactly as it already was (she makes the decision) and tried to make it sound like your idea.

 

I was worried, when you said you "needed to talk", that you would just end up leaving things in her hands anyway.

 

YOU need to make a decision. She is not that fantasy girl you thought you were in a relationship with any more. That girl is gone and she can't come back to you.

Edited June 28, 2014 by Trimmer

[leesc90]

thanks for the all support and concern guys. I would be so much more lost and misguided without you all.. thank you.

 

I'm still torn if I should withdraw the ultimatum or just don't even mention it and go NC.

 

at the end of the day I really regret the ultimatum. it's no one else's fault but mine that I opened myself up to this pain again.

[leesc90]

You love who you think she was before all this happened.

 

She's not that person any more and maybe she never was.

 

 

How is that an ultimatum? You basically left things EXACTLY as they were - with her making the decision. Even without your "ultimatum", if she decided to go with the other guy, she probably wouldn't talk to you again, so how is that any kind of leverage?

 

You took the situation and left it exactly as it already was (she makes the decision) and tried to make it sound like your idea.

 

I was worried, when you said you "needed to talk", that you would just end up leaving things in her hands anyway.

 

YOU need to make a decision. She is not that fantasy girl you thought you were in a relationship with any more. That girl is gone and she can't come back to you.

 

so even if she tells me she won't ever do this again and that she wants me, I should tell her no?

 

thanks for your input.. I agree with a lot if it

[stillafool]

This situation happened to me once. A bf told me he was dating another and couldn't decide which one of us he wanted. I told him of course go with her. I dropped off the face of the earth. He was only left with her before he could make his choice. This caused him to focus on her negative aspects and he started chasing me beyond belief. He chased so hard it turned me off altogether. He just wanted us to compete for him which I was not going to do. I promise you if you just left her to him she will realize he isn't as great as she thought. You may find out that she wasn't so great afterall as well. You have to be really strong to pull this off.

[Trimmer]

You have to be really strong to pull this off.

Yeah, I'm a little worried about that. I think he is desperate (no offense, leesc, I have been where you are, and I say this out of understanding, concern, and caring, not as an insult...) and he tipped that hand when he told her "pick me or never talk to me again", at which point she was probably thinking "yep, those are exactly the options I had in mind..."

[spiderowl]

thanks for the all support and concern guys. I would be so much more lost and misguided without you all.. thank you.

 

I'm still torn if I should withdraw the ultimatum or just don't even mention it and go NC.

 

at the end of the day I really regret the ultimatum. it's no one else's fault but mine that I opened myself up to this pain again.

 

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You are trying to clarify the situation for yourself because it's confusing and you've been very hurt. You may decide to go no contact or to take her back - it's up to you - but don't beat yourself up about this.

 

There are a few things I believe, based on what I've learned personally and from reading lots of psychology books:

 

- Attraction is not a choice - if she was attracted to someone else, she wasn't doing it deliberately to hurt you. I don't know the back story but if she broke up with you and never had a relationship with him, then maybe she was acting in good faith knowing she wasn't feeling what she should for you at the time

 

- People make decisions unconsciously before they become conscious. They then 'justify' their decision in all sorts of supposedly rational ways. If you give her an ultimatum, she may well not be able to decide. That won't help you. Forcing her to decide won't help you either. If she is struggling with a decision, then deep down she is in conflict. She could go either way. Knowing that, it's up to you whether you wait around for her to tip your way or not.

 

Don't blame yourself for being a decent guy and loving a woman enough to want to give her a second chance. Be careful though. Make sure she really has decided deep down before taking that risk.

Edited June 28, 2014 by spiderowl

[guest569]

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" - Mark Twain.

 

What she is doing is completely unfair, she either tries to come back or doesn't. Not "oh I might want to get back with you, not sure tho lol" but you love her so of course you consider taking her back. But if you do, i am not sure things would be the same if she was looking at another guy when you were together, would you completely trust her again?

[lil hoodlum]

Leesc90, I apologize for the harshness in my post.

 

I know you love this girl and all, but come on man, she LIED to you and strung you along for 5 months!

 

 

 

Are you going to be her little puppy dog?

 

 

 

 

YOU make the choices which way YOUR life goes. NOT HER!!!!!

 

 

 

Seriously man, you deserve so much better than this kind of treatment.

[bubbaganoosh]

what is the right move here?

 

 

The right move? The right move is making sure that you aren't being walked on and taken advantage of.

 

What your doing is letting her know that your ready to accept crumbs under the table and kissing her feet and ass for it while she sits at the table, fork in hand eating the whole cake savoring each bite and letting you know how good it is but you get none.

 

Time for you to get some stones and let her know that you don't play second fiddle for anyone and that includes her.

 

Remember friend, she dumped you for another guy and played you.

 

Instead of being pissed, your letting her play you once again and it never cease's to amaze me the power a woman's vagina has over some guys.

 

Dude. See that girl walking down the road? She has one too and so does that other girl sitting on the bench waiting for a bus. Oh look, here comes another girl. Think she has one too. start thinking.

[johnson_j]

Lee - Listen to me.

 

 

I was on the phone with a girl I was in love with (circa 2010) and she told me she was debating between me and another guy. This was after we dated 14 months, we both thought we were gonna get married, etc. I appealed to her to not throw away the good we had. She said she would think about it. The next day she called me, I told her "Good luck with him, let me know how it turns out." Stunned the stuff out of her. After about 18 months she finally got me to give her another chance, only for me to realize that I could never go back to someone who was so willing to walk away.

 

 

Just this past week, after 8 months of not hearing from her, I got this text "What happened to us?". As if she doesn't know.

 

 

Forward...DON'T BE HER OPTION.

[leesc90]

Lee - Listen to me.

 

 

I was on the phone with a girl I was in love with (circa 2010) and she told me she was debating between me and another guy. This was after we dated 14 months, we both thought we were gonna get married, etc. I appealed to her to not throw away the good we had. She said she would think about it. The next day she called me, I told her "Good luck with him, let me know how it turns out." Stunned the stuff out of her. After about 18 months she finally got me to give her another chance, only for me to realize that I could never go back to someone who was so willing to walk away.

 

 

Just this past week, after 8 months of not hearing from her, I got this text "What happened to us?". As if she doesn't know.

 

 

Forward...DON'T BE HER OPTION.

 

so when she called you, did she want to try again? or did you interrupt before she could even tell you?

 

i agree with you man.. im sorry you had to go through soemthing like this, it really sucks.

[leesc90]

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You are trying to clarify the situation for yourself because it's confusing and you've been very hurt. You may decide to go no contact or to take her back - it's up to you - but don't beat yourself up about this.

 

There are a few things I believe, based on what I've learned personally and from reading lots of psychology books:

 

- Attraction is not a choice - if she was attracted to someone else, she wasn't doing it deliberately to hurt you. I don't know the back story but if she broke up with you and never had a relationship with him, then maybe she was acting in good faith knowing she wasn't feeling what she should for you at the time

 

- People make decisions unconsciously before they become conscious. They then 'justify' their decision in all sorts of supposedly rational ways. If you give her an ultimatum, she may well not be able to decide. That won't help you. Forcing her to decide won't help you either. If she is struggling with a decision, then deep down she is in conflict. She could go either way. Knowing that, it's up to you whether you wait around for her to tip your way or not.

 

Don't blame yourself for being a decent guy and loving a woman enough to want to give her a second chance. Be careful though. Make sure she really has decided deep down before taking that risk.

 

this is really great advice.. i appreciate you taking time to write this for me.

 

thank you everyone.. your heartfelt responses have made this situation a lot easier for me. my best part of the day these days has been coming here and reading what you guys ahve experienced and believe to be as the best course of action.

[redbaron005]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. She has already made her choice by saying she needed to choose and now it's time to back up your words and not speak to her again. And no social media stalking either.

[Teuen101]

I've had this very thing happen to me !! But I wasn't that interested in the woman pulling this crap on me -

 

 

She came to me like to inform me I was in the running for her hand !!! the grand prize !

 

I said pick him and have a nice life !

 

and walked away.

 

But again - I prob didn't have the feelings you do !

[Itspointless]

The fact she has to choose says she cant be alone. You both will be left when a new mister prefect walks by. I said it before on page 2 where I quoted you telling about your break-up. She said she wanted more of a man, you do not want a girl but a woman who knows what she wants and has learned how to be someone without needing others for that. I guess she is pretty and using that, she after all is 23!