Resolving daddy issues

[GorillaTheater]

I love this thread, Ruby. This has to be one of the most positive, insightful things I've ever read here, and I love how articulate you are in describing how things are developing.

 

Sending positive man energy your way.

[Ruby Slippers]

turnera, I asked my mom if she would like my help in organizing their budget and helping to manage their finances, and she said no. I think it's too soon for that, but as the relationship strengthens and they grow to trust me more, I'm pretty sure they'll continue asking for help sorting it all out.

 

Thanks, GT! I feel that I'm very close to meeting the right guy for me, and I already know that is going to be a wonderful time! In the meantime, I'm enjoying the time with my family and closest friends, getting some good work done here.

 

Just wanted to record this event: This woman came by the house last night to try to swindle my dad. The tenants on his property work on all kinds of projects, and he gets involved with some of them. This woman stopped by the other spot, and they referred her here. I was outside near the door when she approached, so I hovered around for the whole exchange. She was trying to make a small deal for a very inflated price. My dad told her the most he could offer her was about a third of what she was asking, and then she pulled out the emotional manipulation tricks big time, her multi-part sob story. She was a master manipulator! But I'm smarter than her. Once he refused her terms at the end, she said, "Oh, wow. I'm screwed!" And I said, "Sorry to hear that. Good-bye!"

 

I'm going to discuss it with my dad later. I don't think he realizes when people are manipulating him emotionally and pulling at his heartstrings, and I can see how this type of person could exploit him during a weak moment. Or probably deep down he knows what's going on, but he allows it because then it enables these strange relationships that are filler for the void of love he's created in his life.

 

When any of these swindlers start interacting with my parents, I light up with this powerful protective energy and feel like a bad-ass fighter ready to take them down. I know my parents need to learn to protect themselves, and I'm encouraging them to do that and showing them how. In the meantime, I'm keeping a close eye on the characters drifting by and making it very clear that their tricks aren't going to work anymore.

 

Yesterday my dad asked me to have a conversation about some minor work the deadbeat who is closest to him now did for him. This guy has a way of getting way more money out of my dad for the tiniest effort than he should. Again, it's my dad's fault for allowing it, but I'm trying to get him to wake up to what's going on, and I think he is. Because he asked me directly to step in and set the payment terms with this guy. That really surprised me, and I think it shows that he trusts me and is getting more comfortable asking for my help.

[Ruby Slippers]

Landmark conversation today: My dad was hinting about me buying something from him that I need, and I said, "Buy it from you? You should just give it to me." He said he's helped me enough, I'm an adult now, can take care of myself, and he's not going to help me anymore. He alluded to the one small thing of value he gave me when I was in college, which with his consent I later sold to use as a little bit of money for striking out on my own as a sole proprietor. It wasn't much. Like I said, one of my boyfriends told me he's never known anybody who's gotten less help from their parents than I have.

 

I said, "Well, Brother is much older than me, and you're still helping him."

 

He said my brother isn't as smart as me and needs the help, really pulled out the violin and played it hard.

 

I questioned what return on his investment in my brother he's seen, if any. Silence, of course.

 

I made the point that I'm running a successful business that needs capital to go to the next level and start making more serious revenue, so I need the help more than ever.

 

Then he looked me right in the eyes and said, "I’m not going to help you any more. You might get your mother to help you, but I’m not helping you."

 

I think I can do just fine without his help - that's not the point. It's the principle of the matter, the fact that he would rather pour his love and resources into the deadbeat son who's never going anywhere as long as he continues to enable him, than his daughter who would love nothing more than to do well enough that I can be generous with everybody.

 

I certainly can't continue to help him in any way after he's rejected me like that.

 

It definitely hurt to hear him say it. But now I feel that I've risen above the pain, my heart is strong, and I see the situation for what it is. He really would rather have these enabled, codependent relationships than healthy love. He has a much higher emotional stake in "saving" my brother than investing in a solid future.

 

I can have a relationship with my mom and help her. But I can't help him if he shuts me out like that - that's just stupid.

 

My first reaction is to immediately start thinking about getting my own place. I'm going to talk it over with a few trusted friends and then possibly take quick action to make that happen. It will be no problem to do - just want some trusted opinions. I'll still have the support of my mom and my mom- and dad-like friends who have been so amazing, so I'm not worried.

 

It's possible he will revisit the subject soon. We'll see. I immediately packed up my work things from the foyer by the living room where they spend most of their time and came back to my room. It's not a good idea to be around him right now, because my risk of an emotional reaction is high - and that's not going to accomplish anything with him.

 

I feel sorry for him, but these problems are his, not mine. I get that now. Finally!

[thekid36]

Landmark conversation today: My dad was hinting about me buying something from him that I need, and I said, "Buy it from you? You should just give it to me." He said he's helped me enough, I'm an adult now, can take care of myself, and he's not going to help me anymore. He alluded to the one small thing of value he gave me when I was in college, which with his consent I later sold to use as a little bit of money for striking out on my own as a sole proprietor. It wasn't much. Like I said, one of my boyfriends told me he's never known anybody who's gotten less help from their parents than I have.

 

I said, "Well, Brother is much older than me, and you're still helping him."

 

He said my brother isn't as smart as me and needs the help, really pulled out the violin and played it hard.

 

I questioned what return on his investment in my brother he's seen, if any. Silence, of course.

 

I made the point that I'm running a successful business that needs capital to go to the next level and start making more serious revenue, so I need the help more than ever.

 

Then he looked me right in the eyes and said, "I’m not going to help you any more. You might get your mother to help you, but I’m not helping you."

 

I think I can do just fine without his help - that's not the point. It's the principle of the matter, the fact that he would rather pour his love and resources into the deadbeat son who's never going anywhere as long as he continues to enable him, than his daughter who would love nothing more than to do well enough that I can be generous with everybody.

 

I certainly can't continue to help him in any way after he's rejected me like that.

 

It definitely hurt to hear him say it. But now I feel that I've risen above the pain, my heart is strong, and I see the situation for what it is. He really would rather have these enabled, codependent relationships than healthy love. He has a much higher emotional stake in "saving" my brother than investing in a solid future.

 

I can have a relationship with my mom and help her. But I can't help him if he shuts me out like that - that's just stupid.

 

My first reaction is to immediately start thinking about getting my own place. I'm going to talk it over with a few trusted friends and then possibly take quick action to make that happen. It will be no problem to do - just want some trusted opinions. I'll still have the support of my mom and my mom- and dad-like friends who have been so amazing, so I'm not worried.

 

It's possible he will revisit the subject soon. We'll see. I immediately packed up my work things from the foyer by the living room where they spend most of their time and came back to my room. It's not a good idea to be around him right now, because my risk of an emotional reaction is high - and that's not going to accomplish anything with him.

 

I feel sorry for him, but these problems are his, not mine. I get that now. Finally!

 

Sort of a shock to hear all of this after all of the positive signals from your last post. Such a shame to be honest. I really thought that the two of you were having a beautiful breakthrough.

 

Definitely makes sense that it is the principle that is bothering you. You are an independent woman who has gotten to this point all on your own. It is just sad that he chooses to be so negligent and stubborn.

 

You definitely have a substantial amount of strength expressing your feelings so openly. I just wonder if as the days pass if you will continue to not wish to provide more help to him. Or, wish to really not have any kind of relationship.

 

Not because I doubt you as a person, Ruby. But, because, you are such a sweet and sensitive soul and seem to think of others like your own self. I sense it is not always easy for you to put yourself first. Sometimes, you simply have to. Getting your own place while staying within the general vicinity of them may not be a bad idea.

 

Perhaps going forward, you may need to decide if the good moments outweigh the bad ones. This may dictate what kind of relationship you will ultimately have with him. Like you said, these problems are his. You need to live your own life and find all of the happiness you so sincerely deserve. Whether he is involved in your life or not.

[Ruby Slippers]

omg My ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with last October just sent me a very nice e-mail wishing me a happy birthday (it's tomorrow). This is the first contact of any kind since the breakup. He said he sent me a birthday card in the mail but it got returned, asks if I've moved, and says please let him know how things are going.

 

Weird!

[turnera]

Happy birthday!

 

I had the same dad. When my mom moved away when I graduated high school and I had to scramble to get my own place and then realized I couldn't afford it and I asked him for help, he refused. He said I could stay in a room in his house but that was all the help he would give. When I was getting married, I asked him to help, as my fiance and I were barely scraping by, he again refused. I asked him to just help out with $100 to help me buy a wedding dress. He refused. The ONE thing he ever gave me was one night at a hotel the night of our wedding. While his wife's kids got everything in his will, I got nothing. She even took the college fund he supposedly set up for my daughter.

 

Sometimes you just have to accept that you go the crappy short stick when it comes to parents and move on. Go through the 5 stages of grief at the hand you got dealt, grieve over the father you WISH you'd gotten, and move on.

 

On another note, you can take his actions as actually a GOOD thing, in that he has such respect for you that he believes you can do anything with your life, so he doesn't need to help you - he knows you'll find a way.

 

btw, have you considered going to crowdfunding.com? If a guy can get $60,000 to learn how to make potato salad, you should be able to get some funding for your business.

[Smilecharmer]

Ruby, is it possible your dad thinks you are only helping them to get money for your business? Is it possible your brother or one of their deadbeats is telling him that? To not want to help you because you are responsible and successful makes me think he feels you don't really need him and instead are in competition with him or emasculating him.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'll write about the family stuff later. Personal note: after emailing the night before my birthday, my ex-boyfriend also texted me the next morning. I sent a polite reply last night, and he asked if he can call me sometime, "just to catch up." I could be wrong, but my intuition tells me his intentions are beyond friendly. Just like when he came back and asked for a second chance, I had a strong feeling that he'd be back again. I have a string of predictions about where this could be going. I'll write those down privately and see how accurate it turns out to be.

 

I'll at least talk to him and catch up. He's a very responsible, old-school kind of guy, and he might just want to make sure I'm doing OK. Which is nice, and I'd like to know he's OK, too.

[turnera]

Great. Meet at a public place and accept no invitations for more. You need new blood.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sometimes you just have to accept that you go the crappy short stick when it comes to parents and move on. Go through the 5 stages of grief at the hand you got dealt, grieve over the father you WISH you'd gotten, and move on.

Good advice. I agree that I need to accept him the way he is, and let go of my hopes for something different or more. Then anything beyond his usual behavior will be a nice surprise.

 

On another note, you can take his actions as actually a GOOD thing, in that he has such respect for you that he believes you can do anything with your life, so he doesn't need to help you - he knows you'll find a way.

Yes, quite a few people have mentioned this - think of it as a kind of messed-up compliment. I don't think he understands that it's the principle of the matter that bothers me.

 

But the unspoken message I was getting from him in the first couple of weeks here was: "I know that I failed you as a dad, but I'm not sure I can ever be the dad you want me to be." That's sad, but I also feel compassion for him. It's not for lack of trying. He just didn't have whatever it takes to be a good dad. But he is making more effort than he's made in a long time, since I was very young and he was well-paid and happy.

 

For a couple of days after our last disagreement, we didn't say a word to each other. We just drifted by each other in the house when we needed to. I couldn't even look at him. But then he started slowly, weakly approaching me with little positive comments. For a while there, I just couldn't muster the compassion to respond with much. But we turned a corner today. I had made mini lemon icebox pies to take to some friends and neighbors (yum!), and saved a couple for here. He had his first piece tonight, and he was raving. We both have a sweet tooth! And I definitely bake some love into anything I make.

 

Then he asked me to play them a song on guitar - something I don't think he has ever done. I played them a sweet classic country song I've been learning, and he said only nice things afterward. He said, "Your voice has gotten even better" and "I never learned to play guitar so well." He used to play a little, and I always loved his voice, so I told him to tell me a few of his favorite songs and I'll try to learn them so he can sing to them. Though he kept saying he can't sing anymore, I finally got him singing a few lines of the song I was playing. I always try to get people to play instruments and sing, so that's nothing new - but it is a new thing with my parents!

 

Ruby, is it possible your dad thinks you are only helping them to get money for your business? Is it possible your brother or one of their deadbeats is telling him that? To not want to help you because you are responsible and successful makes me think he feels you don't really need him and instead are in competition with him or emasculating him.

I don't think he suspects me of only helping to get money. The only reason it came up is because he kept hinting that I should help them out with money. Once he made a more direct comment to that effect, I said I wasn't going to buy anything from him, that if anything he should give it to me. Now, what I don't think he gets is that if I succeed with my business as I think I can, I will be in a position to help myself, my parents, and many more people besides, and that's what I would like to do. I've always been far more motivated by a larger cause than myself, and I'm not doing any of this to amass personal wealth. I'm doing it to express my potential as much as I can, and use my gifts to spread as much good energy as I can.

 

But my dad doesn't plan well. He spends impulsively and emotionally. He's basically telling me that he is not capable of disentangling himself from his enabling, codependent, very unhealthy relationship with my drug addict brother. I think his own ego and self-esteem are heavily invested in the quest of "saving" my brother. He doesn't get that as long as he enables him and "takes care of him", he'll never get on his own two feet, because he won't have to. But I have a quality DVD about drug addiction in the family and how to deal with it on the way. I'm sure I can get my mom to watch it, and maybe him, too.

 

Maybe over time I can help him see the light. Maybe he'll never change. The people who know him best say he won't ever change, and they might be right. In that case, I'll just try to have whatever relationship with my dad I can, even if it goes back to being a distant one.

 

The fact is I don't need any financial help from him. It would be nice to have, and would have been nice to have my whole life, but that's just not my life. So I'll make the best of the blessings I do have, which are many.

 

On another note, my ex-boyfriend called me the other night and we talked for 2 1/2 hours. It was a purely friendly conversation, but I'm pretty sure he's thinking about more and testing the waters right now. He's been texting me pretty regularly since then, sending me updates and today a picture of the treadmill he just got. I wrote down my predictions about what might be coming on that front, and so far they are correct.

 

I designed some really sharp business cards today with my new address, and I'm getting ready to start networking and mingling in business circles here. One thing I can say is that facing all this difficult family stuff and handling it better than I knew I could makes me feel strong, brave, and grounded. So I feel more ready than ever to really put myself out there and go for it with my little biz!

[turnera]

One thing that can help when you question your dad's feelings for you is to remember that he held you as a baby and had strong feelings for you as you were growing up. Another thing to remember is that a lot of men have trouble showing emotion. Doesn't mean they don't have them, though.

[Ruby Slippers]

One thing that can help when you question your dad's feelings for you is to remember that he held you as a baby and had strong feelings for you as you were growing up. Another thing to remember is that a lot of men have trouble showing emotion. Doesn't mean they don't have them, though.

Yes, I'm lucky that he was happy and we had a good relationship my first 6 years. I've read that the early years are the most critical for positive bonding, and we had that.

 

His birthday is coming up, and one of my gifts to him is an enlarged and framed picture of him and my mom when they were dating, totally in love, and wrapped up in this sweet kiss in the middle of a country meadow. The picture just radiates love, and I'm going to suggest we put it right in the heart of the living room. I'm bringing back the love!

 

While I was getting that picture printed, I got a few more, including a few of just me and him. Most of the pictures of us together are when I was very small, but in all of them he is being sweet and affectionate, and grinning like a fool. I think we both need to be reminded of those days.

[Ruby Slippers]

Things are going OK, and I think I'm starting to understand what my dad's all about. It's so much easier as an adult with some life experience.

 

Basically, I think he's been a failure in various ways (not all, but many), and has always had very poor self-esteem. I imagine the primary root of this is his biological father abandoning him before birth, then him being raised by a fairly mean, critical stepfather who just kept trying to mold him into the perfect reflection of his own ego, but never really loved him as he was.

 

He invests all his time, energy, and resources (=love) into these fellow failures and losers, in some compulsive exercise to attempt to save himself by saving others (who will never be saved).

 

What he needs more than anything is to resolve his unresolved childhood stuff, which unfortunately will likely never be resolved with the approach he's been taking his whole life.

 

He's never invested much in me or the "good kids" because doing so doesn't satisfy that deep emotional need of finally feeling OK with himself. But he's trying. Six days after he said he wouldn't help me, on his birthday, he said he will try to help me if he can, and took some small steps toward doing that.

 

I think my part is to care about him, validate him, show him that there is another way to work toward resolution. And that's what I'm doing, in increasingly gentle and subtle ways. I spend more time away from him and my mom now, just working and focusing on my goals, and help them when I feel good about it and have the time. They don't ask for anything, but seem appreciative of any help I offer.

 

He's gradually showing me the cracks in the armor, making comments about all the irresponsible people he's helping and how exhausting it is. But I've figured out that all he needs right now is someone to listen and validate him. Any commentary or advice is met with small emotional outbursts of self-defense.

 

When he's mean and angry, I just avoid him. I've laid down some firm boundaries about what is and is not acceptable to me, and when he refused to bend on one of them the other day, I calmly said that was fine, and I'd just pack up my stuff and go work at my friend's house. Then he immediately relented, and I stayed. I told my mom, "See, that's how it's done." He depends on her completely now, and she doesn't need to take any of the crap she does. She's learning to assert herself and stand up for herself better, and it's great to see. I'm trying to show her that not everything has to be a fight.

 

My business is doing great and I've started going to business networking events, with good results so far.

 

My ex has been very sweet since he got back in touch, sent me a very nice birthday present, and immediately offered me a business loan to help me get to the next level. He said there will be no interest and he doesn't care if it takes me 30 years to pay him back. He told me he loaned his best friend a far greater amount of money to start a third business recently, and he was happy to do it. Interesting point of synchronicity is that he got back in touch and offered this loan immediately after my dad said he wasn't helping me. I told him I'd have to think about it, then I discussed it with everyone close to me and my business partner. He said he has a lot of money just sitting in the bank doing nothing, and it would make him very happy to know it was helping me. He said he feels that I have some right to him and his money, even though I've never asked him for a thing. He said he wished I would have contacted him when I was considering moving for financial reasons, because he would have done anything he could to help.

 

After ruminating on it and consulting the people close to me, I decided to accept the loan. Once he sent the money, he said he doesn't care if I ever pay it back. But I will. He also offered to resume our business strategy talks (essentially what he does as a career), and we've had two very productive talks.

 

He's asked questions about the breakup, made wistful comments, even mentioned a love song he wanted me to listen to. He's also told me he'll be visiting his best friend who lives in my state pretty soon. A good friend of mine who's smart and who has met him says she thinks he wants to get back together. But if so, he's not being direct about it, and I'm not waiting for anything. I've already considered and written about what I'll do if she's right. For now, we're communicating as friends, and it's nice to be friends rather than strangers.

 

He asked me to wish my dad a happy birthday, and expressed concern that toward the end, my dad said to "get rid of him" when I was telling him about how critical he can be. Even though my dad's the same way, he knows it's wrong and doesn't want some guy treating me that way. I told my dad he said happy birthday, offered me the business loan, and we'd been talking a bit. My dad said that was a very generous thing for him to do, he sounds like a good guy and a smart guy, and maybe he misjudged him. My ex seemed very happy to hear that. I think he was feeling a lot of guilt about the mistakes he made with me, and was looking for forgiveness and some kind of resolution. The petty side of me was tempted to reject his attempts to help and make peace to punish him. But that's silly.

 

Also, I think his loan is part of what inspired my dad to offer to help if he can. When my other dad-like friend does nice things to help me, at first my dad seems to feel defensive, as it shines a light on everything he's not doing. But then he gets through that, and takes it as inspiration to be a better dad.

 

It's a complex, but very productive time. Sometimes I just get tired of how hard I'm working on multiple levels. But when I do, I retreat and take some time for myself, and everybody respects that. I feel good about how things are going.

[thekid36]

Things are going OK, and I think I'm starting to understand what my dad's all about. It's so much easier as an adult with some life experience.

 

Basically, I think he's been a failure in various ways (not all, but many), and has always had very poor self-esteem. I imagine the primary root of this is his biological father abandoning him before birth, then him being raised by a fairly mean, critical stepfather who just kept trying to mold him into the perfect reflection of his own ego, but never really loved him as he was.

 

He invests all his time, energy, and resources (=love) into these fellow failures and losers, in some compulsive exercise to attempt to save himself by saving others (who will never be saved).

 

What he needs more than anything is to resolve his unresolved childhood stuff, which unfortunately will likely never be resolved with the approach he's been taking his whole life.

 

He's never invested much in me or the "good kids" because doing so doesn't satisfy that deep emotional need of finally feeling OK with himself. But he's trying. Six days after he said he wouldn't help me, on his birthday, he said he will try to help me if he can, and took some small steps toward doing that.

 

I think my part is to care about him, validate him, show him that there is another way to work toward resolution. And that's what I'm doing, in increasingly gentle and subtle ways. I spend more time away from him and my mom now, just working and focusing on my goals, and help them when I feel good about it and have the time. They don't ask for anything, but seem appreciative of any help I offer.

 

He's gradually showing me the cracks in the armor, making comments about all the irresponsible people he's helping and how exhausting it is. But I've figured out that all he needs right now is someone to listen and validate him. Any commentary or advice is met with small emotional outbursts of self-defense.

 

When he's mean and angry, I just avoid him. I've laid down some firm boundaries about what is and is not acceptable to me, and when he refused to bend on one of them the other day, I calmly said that was fine, and I'd just pack up my stuff and go work at my friend's house. Then he immediately relented, and I stayed. I told my mom, "See, that's how it's done." He depends on her completely now, and she doesn't need to take any of the crap she does. She's learning to assert herself and stand up for herself better, and it's great to see. I'm trying to show her that not everything has to be a fight.

 

My business is doing great and I've started going to business networking events, with good results so far.

 

My ex has been very sweet since he got back in touch, sent me a very nice birthday present, and immediately offered me a business loan to help me get to the next level. He said there will be no interest and he doesn't care if it takes me 30 years to pay him back. He told me he loaned his best friend a far greater amount of money to start a third business recently, and he was happy to do it. Interesting point of synchronicity is that he got back in touch and offered this loan immediately after my dad said he wasn't helping me. I told him I'd have to think about it, then I discussed it with everyone close to me and my business partner. He said he has a lot of money just sitting in the bank doing nothing, and it would make him very happy to know it was helping me. He said he feels that I have some right to him and his money, even though I've never asked him for a thing. He said he wished I would have contacted him when I was considering moving for financial reasons, because he would have done anything he could to help.

 

After ruminating on it and consulting the people close to me, I decided to accept the loan. Once he sent the money, he said he doesn't care if I ever pay it back. But I will. He also offered to resume our business strategy talks (essentially what he does as a career), and we've had two very productive talks.

 

He's asked questions about the breakup, made wistful comments, even mentioned a love song he wanted me to listen to. He's also told me he'll be visiting his best friend who lives in my state pretty soon. A good friend of mine who's smart and who has met him says she thinks he wants to get back together. But if so, he's not being direct about it, and I'm not waiting for anything. I've already considered and written about what I'll do if she's right. For now, we're communicating as friends, and it's nice to be friends rather than strangers.

 

He asked me to wish my dad a happy birthday, and expressed concern that toward the end, my dad said to "get rid of him" when I was telling him about how critical he can be. Even though my dad's the same way, he knows it's wrong and doesn't want some guy treating me that way. I told my dad he said happy birthday, offered me the business loan, and we'd been talking a bit. My dad said that was a very generous thing for him to do, he sounds like a good guy and a smart guy, and maybe he misjudged him. My ex seemed very happy to hear that. I think he was feeling a lot of guilt about the mistakes he made with me, and was looking for forgiveness and some kind of resolution. The petty side of me was tempted to reject his attempts to help and make peace to punish him. But that's silly.

 

Also, I think his loan is part of what inspired my dad to offer to help if he can. When my other dad-like friend does nice things to help me, at first my dad seems to feel defensive, as it shines a light on everything he's not doing. But then he gets through that, and takes it as inspiration to be a better dad.

 

It's a complex, but very productive time. Sometimes I just get tired of how hard I'm working on multiple levels. But when I do, I retreat and take some time for myself, and everybody respects that. I feel good about how things are going.

 

You both are just at completely different points in life right now. He had a completely different experience as a child. There is an absolute anxiety of abandonment going on there as well as a fear of failure. You are an independent and reflective woman who only wants to move forward. He simply cannot get over his past.

 

 

Not that this justifies the way he has treated you. Nor, does it take away any of his actual responsibilities. It just gives you some sort of understanding is all. He tries to help those who cannot fully appreciate it because of his own constant need for justification.

 

 

This is why you need to continue taking the positives that come one small step at a time. He is so stuck in his ways at this point. I think that he almost unconsciously realizes how futile it is to help who take advantage of him. As well as how he has misplaced his adoration. This is then why you mention about the cracks. It is just not easy for him to break the cycle. He is just acting the way that was learned and what has been comfortable.

 

 

It is hard because you don't want to always be on his ass trying to start something. Yet, he also needs to realize that his acute anger that suddenly gets directed at you and your mom is absolutely not acceptable. It is good that you continue to find time for your own self.

 

 

I am thrilled to hear the news about your business! The only thing that sort of concerns me is your ex. I am just not sure what his intentions are with you at this point. Even if he does not want any actual money back. If his gesture of giving is simply sincere, then it is an incredibly kind one. It is almost kinder to not offer anything at all as opposed to giving just to get back. This is why so many friendships, families, and relationships simply do not work. Giving should not be with any selfish expecations nor hidden agendas. Caring about someone special should basically be unconditional. I hope this is not too unfair. I have just been burned by condition many times. You obviously know him better than any of us. I just wanted to bring it up is all. Overall, things sound terrific!

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks, sweetie

 

I agree completely that he's got an internal battle going on between staying where he is and evolving to something better. He's making small changes, but even those are difficult for him. There's hope for him, but only he can determine how much he will improve or not.

 

I'm not sure what my ex's intentions are. His communication and actions suggest a desire to reconcile, but my read is that he's just testing the waters right now. He said the other day, "You've spoiled my taste. It will be very difficult to find someone like you." And I said, "No, impossible." I think we're both considering whether reconciliation would be wise or not. I've made clear to him that I'm single and ready to mingle, not waiting around on him or anybody. But I've been open to communication, I've made minor comments on his mistakes from the past, and he's taken responsibility for them. I haven't shut any doors permanently, but I'm very aware of what wasn't working before.

 

I'm not worried about him holding the debt over me in any way. I offered to draw up a formal document to put the loan "on the record", and he said that wasn't necessary. Though he has his faults, one of his best qualities is his ample generosity with the people he cares about. Many times he's just given large amounts of money to family and friends who needed it - and he earns and saves enough that it's not a burden for him. The amount he loaned me is enough to make a noticeable difference for me right now, but a drop in the bucket for him.

 

He said that for the rest of my life, if I need financial help or any other kind of help, he'll do whatever he can. He told me the same thing when I was considering breaking up with him and getting more clear about it, but then it was offered as a reason to stick with him - because he'd "take care of me for life". Now he's offering it without any conditions beyond repayment when it's easy to do. (And like I said, once he sent the money, he said he doesn't care if I never pay him back.)

 

I said I don't think his wife will approve of him helping out an ex-girlfriend financially. He said, "I don't have a wife," and I said, "You will eventually." He said, "We'll see."

Edited July 28, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[thekid36]

Thanks, sweetie

 

I agree completely that he's got an internal battle going on between staying where he is and evolving to something better. He's making small changes, but even those are difficult for him. There's hope for him, but only he can determine how much he will improve or not.

 

I'm not sure what my ex's intentions are. His communication and actions suggest a desire to reconcile, but my read is that he's just testing the waters right now. He said the other day, "You've spoiled my taste. It will be very difficult to find someone like you." And I said, "No, impossible." I think we're both considering whether reconciliation would be wise or not. I've made clear to him that I'm single and ready to mingle, not waiting around on him or anybody. But I've been open to communication, I've made minor comments on his mistakes from the past, and he's taken responsibility for them. I haven't shut any doors permanently, but I'm very aware of what wasn't working before.

 

I'm not worried about him holding the debt over me in any way. I offered to draw up a formal document to put the loan "on the record", and he said that wasn't necessary. Though he has his faults, one of his best qualities is his ample generosity with the people he cares about. Many times he's just given large amounts of money to family and friends who needed it - and he earns and saves enough that it's not a burden for him. The amount he loaned me is enough to make a noticeable difference for me right now, but a drop in the bucket for him.

 

He said that for the rest of my life, if I need financial help or any other kind of help, he'll do whatever he can. He told me the same thing when I was considering breaking up with him and getting more clear about it, but then it was offered as a reason to stick with him - because he'd "take care of me for life". Now he's offering it without any conditions beyond repayment when it's easy to do. (And like I said, once he sent the money, he said he doesn't care if I never pay him back.)

 

I said I don't think his wife will approve of him helping out an ex-girlfriend financially. He said, "I don't have a wife," and I said, "You will eventually." He said, "We'll see."

 

 

I think this may have been mentioned awhile back. One thing that is true about me revolves around wanting to know what will come next. I want to know things sooner than later. I want for any question to be answered as quickly as possible. It sort of comes with being an educator I suppose.

 

 

I have always sensed that you are also a proactive person. Which makes it more difficult to hold back fully at all times. It also means that not knowing something can tend to be sort of excruciating. Kudos for you taking the baby steps with all of this and not trying to run the whole mile all in one night. May your prudence continue to pay off.

 

 

Sounds like you are at a good place right now with the ex. There are definitely instances of people breaking up and then getting back together with one another. Props to him for taking responsibility of his own mistakes. Keeping your eyes open and being not closed off to anything in life is definitely not the worst way to travel. It is awesome when a person does kind things for someone because he/she simply cares!

[turnera]

Ruby, you've shown a lot more increasing maturity and wisdom than I usually see in posters. I'm really impressed. And hopeful for you and your family.

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby, you've shown a lot more increasing maturity and wisdom than I usually see in posters. I'm really impressed. And hopeful for you and your family.

Thank you!

 

Sounds like you are at a good place right now with the ex. There are definitely instances of people breaking up and then getting back together with one another. Props to him for taking responsibility of his own mistakes. Keeping your eyes open and being not closed off to anything in life is definitely not the worst way to travel. It is awesome when a person does kind things for someone because he/she simply cares!

Yeah, we were together for 6 months, I broke up with him, then he came back and we were together for another 6 months. Even when I broke up with him the second time, I was pretty sure he'd get back in touch, and I had a feeling he'd want to try a third time. Some good friends of mine were on and off for 10 years, moved around the world, dated other people, before they got married, and now have created a big happy family. I have a feeling that he and I could take a similar course. We're both pretty stubborn with strong opinions. But unless he makes it easy and fun for me, I'm not going to bother. I'm glad we didn't just disappear from each other's lives into the ether. My friend says it won't be possible for us to sustain just friendship - eventually it will have to be all or nothing. I agree with her. But we're both single at the moment, so being just friends isn't a problem.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've been reflecting on the conversations with my ex and his initial hinting at reconciliation. I've pretty much made up my mind that it would be a bad idea. We already tried twice, and the problems were the same.

 

I've been considering not cashing the check he sent, but that's mostly for reasons of pride and wanting to punish him by not allowing him to do something nice for me. When I consider the situation pragmatically, these don't feel like good reasons.

 

My conclusion, as before, is that he's a great catch but not the right catch for me. I feel silly for even considering giving it another shot. But I always did feel a powerful connection and draw to him, from the moment we met.

 

I think that I will taper off the communication for now. My friend was right that we'll never be able to be just friends unless we're both single. I'm ready for love, and I don't need him on my radar distracting me from finding it.

 

Now that I've got my legs under me, I'm going to make more of an effort to build up my social life here and meet men. The singles ratio is working in my favor here - the opposite of where I was living before - and that's pretty obvious anytime I'm out and about, as there are cute guys checking me out everywhere

[turnera]

I would take the money, as he clearly has money to spare ATM, use it to build up your business, and then one day send him a check for the money plus a sizable 'investment bonus.' That way, your head is clear about what you did. And everyone benefits.

[Ruby Slippers]

Good idea

[todreaminblue]

hi ruby ...similar story

 

my step dad could often appear to be emotionless and hard....i was the over achiever brighter than kids i talked more to teachers than i did to children, always recommended a bit of a teachers pet...i was a latch key kid....so i was independent from six years of age.....over achiever.....

 

i got offered work experience at a tv station in my teens ....the only one accepted for placement.....with a television news journalist where i would be able to go and report news around the mid north coast i was so excited......got vetoed by my dad as a disciplinary matter as i threw a party .....so he cancelled my opportunity....devastated me at the time....besides the party that i threw .......i held a part time job attended school volunteered at the local radio station was a member for the ses played softball a grade ....was a member of a four man scull state rowing team, looked after my little sister after school and did all chores including cooking dinner hanging out washing, vacuming making beds......and the list goes on...i was made to wake every morning at six......my day started and at the end of the day i had to have homework done lights out 830 pm when i became a teen it was 930 pm....

 

 

at one point it got too much for me.....i started to fail ....at waking, at my part time job ...... i was exhausted......and my dad kept pushing me farther expecting more and i went into anxious times....my dad got told by my boss that i should slow down and maybe when i grow up he could see me with loads of children and i would be a mum...... my dad talked to my boss for a long time......as i waited devastated in the car for my dad to come out......i dont know what else was said but when my dad came out he was fuming he belittled me all the way home i had just lost my job......telling me how worthless i was and that all i would be, was some dumb mum sitting with kids all around her.....and i am exactly that.....single mum of five..not so dumb though...i said not much other than i know dad im sorry......as i sunk lower and lower with every insult.......everything i had ever done wrong was bought up and remembered.....nothing about all i did do that was right and above what all other children or teens did...i was too exhausted and too respectful to say anything really......

 

i love him always will.....he did many things right he did some wrong things or ill thought of things...but that was him and is him i love him regardless....

 

i don know i cant be with a guy like my dad.....i would slit my own throat before i would be with a guy like that........my grandfather was very proud of me told me often how special i was .....ignited fires and passions in me to help people....but....he was extremely strict with my dad i never saw that side...with women he was different.......kind and compassionate..but with men my grandfather had or suffered no time for fools or time wasters.....my dad suffered for no one and he was a task master.......so where my father lacked my grandfather taught me adn my grandfather taught me about the kind of man i want in my life.....i dont have daddy issues .....smilin...although from what i have written it may look that way ...i dont ...

 

 

 

my dad was who he was and it makes me a bit sad we arent in contact ok a fair bit sad....because i still respect him.....but the guy i need as a partner would be more like my grandpa ... a strong man who shows compassion and kindness to women.......but if a man crosses him...that man better be able to back himself

 

 

i havent been able to find a man who has that balance .....i have dated fighters ...strong men who have compassionate side but what these men i have had relationships with,they had drug and alcohol addictions which my grandfather nor my father never did.......i see the correlation.....that drugs and alcohol are killer to relationships especially with me.....i cant trust them adn i have learned that...still believe though if i fidn a guy who has an aqddiction adn he truly loves me, i could make him happy enough that eh woudl give up the crutches....hasnt worked out yet.....

 

what i do know is i have this never give up spirit , that i have a generous eartt and i have awesome coping skills..i am a fighter myself....i look after me.......so i know what i have to offer the right guy........and one day maybe i might find him.....i am proud to be a mum.....if thats all i ever am in this life.......i will have done a good thing....just got a call from my exes mother who sadi to em debbie i want to thankyou for the raising the girls the way you have they are wonderful girls and special......you have done an amazing job ...and i said to her do you really think so ...and she said ......i know so.......gonna cry now but im smiling...i actually really needed to hear it......today..it has colored my post even into me feeling like i know what i have done is good regardless of what others think or feel about me as a single mum with two different fathers of five children.

 

 

 

however much people might look down on me or think me low class and not worth time or love.........it has been me all along.....i raised them .....i did it.....i am still doing it ....and i have stood alone and people whom truly love me, recognise my strength and respect me......

 

 

i dont have daddy issues but sometimes its nice to know you are respected and a little honored for struggles...i am just a mum with heaps of kids.....and proud of them...and some people the ones around of me .....really are proud of who i am, and that to me,is pretty special being recognized and understood..deb

Edited July 31, 2014 by todreaminblue

[PinkInTheLimo]

In my country whenever people want to adopt they have to go through a long and severe selection procedure. Biological parents don't have to do that, and it would often be better (if only to make them think long and hard about what it actually means to raise a child).

 

Ruby, you try to have compassion with your father, I have to admit that I can't do it towards mine.

 

My problem with my father is different than yours in the sense that the dynamic between my parents was the opposite: strong mother, weak father. Or at least that's how it seemed at the time.

But in the end, my father's "weakness" is also a pose which he uses in a very handy way to manipulate people. If you always act as if you don't know things, or don't know how to do things, ultimately you will always find someone who does things for you.

My mother pushed my father a lot to make him be an involved husband and father but ultimately she got very frustrated, gave up, became very bitter, and died too young from cancer. In the process she became a very abusive mother, especially to her eldest child = me.

 

After my mother died, I checked if a normal relationship with my father was possible but it is not. The only relationship I can have with him is one where he tries to take advantage of me and that is not going to fly. He tried for example to have me wash his laundry after my mother died, and this was after I had not been at home for 10 years (because I refused to expose myself to my mother's abuse). On top of it, it was not just laundry but his dirty underwear. Spoken about disrespect.

 

The last time I stayed at his house he had me sleep in a bed of which he had not even changed the sheets (my brother sometimes stays at his place and the sheets clearly had my brother's smell on them, they really were not fresh) and the conclusion for me is that I probably will not go and see my father again in this life. BTW, this was not because he cannot change sheets. He is physically pretty fit for his age and in any case he has someone who helps him in his household.

There is never an open conflict with him but I just can't deal with his passive-aggressive ways. I admit that I am also too chicken to confront him. Maybe I should.

 

I think that if he ever falls seriously ill, I would not even go and visit him at the hospital.

 

To be honest, I'm kind of waiting for him to die so that I can finally inherit from him. That man has never done anything for me and is still sitting on his considerable bag of money (whereas other people of my age got really financial help from their parents - I never did) and that money is basically the only positive thing I will ever get from him.

 

Sounds harsh but it is also harsh that a guy has kids and does not care about them. My mother has been horrible and abusive with me but I know that especially when I was a young child she has also given me love.

Edited July 31, 2014 by PinkInTheLimo

[PinkInTheLimo]

The best thing to do is just move on and cut these negative people out of your life. My mom was terrible and I haven't talked to her in years.

 

These type of people...

1. do not change

2. will never really understand how negatively there impact was

3. Cannot change the past

4. Will drag you down emotionally and often financially

 

I'm an independent person by nature so maybe it wasn't as hard for me.

 

Having said that I do still sometimes feel cheated about my youth. So much potential wasted.... that's what frustrates me

 

I am glad seeing saying this. Because for me it has been like that. After trying for years to have an honest, loving relationship with my parents and family, I came to the conclusion that I would always be banging my head against the wall.

 

But I was not so independent I think. I really craved to belong to a family. As a matter of fact I still crave to "belong". In the mean time I have become very independent but I still find it very painful that things are the way they are.

 

At the same time I have come to the conclusion that I can't change things so I should put my energy in other things.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I promise you Ruby that I'm not nitpicking when each time I go back to the fact that your mum has her own free will. This is a dynamic between your parents. They are in a codependent relationship, it has been your mother's choice in her adult life. This isn't entirely on your father.

 

Please do not see yourself as a rescuer. You must recognise codependent relationships in order to stay clear of them. Very important.

 

From my own experience with my parents: the "weaker" one often has a lot of benefits from being "submissive" to the "stronger" one. If you never take the decisisons, you can never be blamed for them...

Being weak can be a way to manipulate.