Resolving daddy issues

[KathyM]

I'm so sorry that you were so unsupported and unappreciated as a child. It sounds like you rose above that and became a strong and independent woman and made the most of your circumstances as much as you could despite your parents lack of attention and support. Unfortunately, some parents, likely because of their own negative childhood experiences, lack an understanding of how their behaviors negatively affect their children, or they are more self focused and don't have the interest or capacity to give their children what they need. Or they show favoritism and believe only the favored child deserves their love/attention. It's sad that some parents do this to their children, either subconsciously or consciously.

 

 

I think having talks with him about your feelings on these things is a good thing, because it gives you the opportunity to voice your feelings, which in itself, can be cathartic and give you closure. Your father may not have the self awareness or willingness to acknowledge all the ways he let you down, although it sounds like he does admit that he made some mistakes. But regardless of whether he acknowledges where he let you down, I think it can be cathartic to you to talk about these things with him.

[Ruby Slippers]

Last night my mom talked to me a bit about their financial situation. My oldest brother is a drug addict who hasn't been able to stay clean and get his life together, in spite of many attempts by siblings to help him and give him a totally fresh start. My dad pours tons of money into him like a black hole, and has been doing so for years.

 

My dad has also attracted a lot of weirdo loser friends who I believe see him as a lonely and easy target from whom they can extract money and resources. They do odd jobs for him, pretend to be his friend, then "borrow" money from him endlessly, which they rarely or never repay. I think he's so messed up that he thinks these relationships are beneficial to him and these people are his friends. I have very good intuition, and every one of them that I've met strikes me as a deadbeat user. And I get the impression that they fear me, because they know I can see right through them and I'm threatening their meal ticket.

 

My parents seem to get a pretty decent income from various sources - retirement accounts, veteran's benefits, etc. My dad has his problems, but he was always an extremely hard worker. I think he consumed himself so thoroughly with work largely to escape his family failures. But my impression is that they squander most of it on the druggie brother and all these deadbeats who take advantage of them skillfully. They receive separate checks, and my dad exhausts his quickly every month into all these bottomless black holes. And now, as my mom has sunk deeper into the abyss with him, he's gotten better at wrenching her savings away from her to throw it away as well. I think he antagonizes her about it until she just gives in.

 

I don't think I can do much about my dad's spending, as I think he's just completely out of touch with reality when it comes to finances and gives his money away for emotional and impulsive reasons. But my mom has always been smarter with money and better at saving - until recently. I encouraged her to resist his attempts to take her money from her, because if she doesn't stop, there's not going to be anything left for them when they really need it in their old age. Not to mention all the ways they could improve their lives now with better financial management.

 

Beyond this, it makes me sad and angry that they've never really helped me out financially, yet they've been throwing their money away for years and years. They didn't invest anything in me when I was growing up, beyond the bare necessities. I've spent most of my adult life struggling financially, though I've been working my ass off my whole life, most of the time working far more than full time to get by and try to get ahead. One of my boyfriends told me he's never met anyone who has gotten less financial help from their parents than I have. I think about all the things I've done without, some of the bad and even dangerous conditions I've lived in to make my way through college, the many opportunities I've not been able to take, this burden of financial worry I've carried around my whole life.

 

My start-up business, which I started with next to nothing in the bank, has brought in more than 6 figures of revenue for the past 3 years. But as we expand, overhead increases. I've paid myself just enough salary to get by and reinvested most of our revenue into growing the business, because that's what you do when you're running your own start-up business with no financial backing. I've talked to many smart advisors, and they all agree we are in a perfect position to take off like a rocket and make a lot of money, with some investment of capital that will enable me to get office space and a small staff. I've seriously considering getting investors or a business loan, and a few very happy clients have even broached the subject of investing in me. But when you take that leap up, things get a lot more complicated financially, and you take on a much greater burden of risk. With absolutely no family financial backing, it seems foolish and risky to me to take on a large debt with no guarantee of success - and my advisors agree with that as well.

 

My mom offered me a little bit of money when I moved, but I had just landed my biggest contract in 2 years, and told her to hold onto it for a little while, until I definitely needed it. I even said, "Don't give it to Dad." Well... she gave it to Dad, to "loan" to one of his loser "friends". But she says once she has that much money again, she'll give it to me. And this time I'll take it, because even though I still haven't achieved real financial liftoff, I'm smarter with money than either of them are now.

 

It seems sad to me that if they had invested anything in me, I'd almost certainly be doing far better by now, in a much better position to help myself and them. And I'm one of the few of their kids who cares enough to help them in their old age, in spite of their failings. I feel like I should make the case for them to redirect all this wasted money into themselves and my endeavor, which has a high likelihood to succeed and generate a lot of profit with modest investment. They're just throwing it away now, so why not redirect their bets to a good hand, rather than one that's full of junk cards?

 

But I feel weird about asking them for money because I never have. I'm terrible at asking for help of any kind, I guess because I learned in childhood that the answer will always be no. I hinted at the subject with my mom last night, and then today she gave me a little bit of money. I did buy my dad a few small things he needed from the drugstore yesterday, and she offered to pay me back for them, but I didn't think it was enough to bother with. It's a complicated issue, because I feel really weird taking money from them, given how messed-up their situation is. But I genuinely believe that if anyone could help them get their finances and lives into better shape, I could. It's already happening in the house. I've gone through here like a whirlwind and cleaned up a lot of spots of disrepair and neglect in the house already. They seem kind of amazed and humbled by how much has improved in just 3 1/2 days of me being here.

 

I'm wary of stepping into the parent role as their daughter - but I guess that's what you do when your parents get older and start to lose their clarity of thinking. Well, my dad never had much, but my mom did.

 

I think my mom brought up the financial discussion because she knows what they're doing isn't healthy and they need help. When I gave her my advice, I could tell she thought it was sound, but was also wondering how she could redirect this big ship heading toward the iceberg.

 

Does anyone have any experience with this, advice on how to handle such a situation?

Edited June 20, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[Tayla]

Yup! Had experience. Its their money. Unless you are their court ordered financial executor , its best to refrain. What they do with it is not yours to attend, anymore then them telling you how to invest . How is their money relevant to you making peace?

[thekid36]

Last night my mom talked to me a bit about their financial situation. My oldest brother is a drug addict who hasn't been able to stay clean and get his life together, in spite of many attempts by siblings to help him and give him a totally fresh start. My dad pours tons of money into him like a black hole, and has been doing so for years.

 

My dad has also attracted a lot of weirdo loser friends who I believe see him as a lonely and easy target from whom they can extract money and resources. They do odd jobs for him, pretend to be his friend, then "borrow" money from him endlessly, which they rarely or never repay. I think he's so messed up that he thinks these relationships are beneficial to him and these people are his friends. I have very good intuition, and every one of them that I've met strikes me as a deadbeat user. And I get the impression that they fear me, because they know I can see right through them and I'm threatening their meal ticket.

 

My parents seem to get a pretty decent income from various sources - retirement accounts, veteran's benefits, etc. My dad has his problems, but he was always an extremely hard worker. I think he consumed himself so thoroughly with work largely to escape his family failures. But my impression is that they squander most of it on the druggie brother and all these deadbeats who take advantage of them skillfully. They receive separate checks, and my dad exhausts his quickly every month into all these bottomless black holes. And now, as my mom has sunk deeper into the abyss with him, he's gotten better at wrenching her savings away from her to throw it away as well. I think he antagonizes her about it until she just gives in.

 

I don't think I can do much about my dad's spending, as I think he's just completely out of touch with reality when it comes to finances and gives his money away for emotional and impulsive reasons. But my mom has always been smarter with money and better at saving - until recently. I encouraged her to resist his attempts to take her money from her, because if she doesn't stop, there's not going to be anything left for them when they really need it in their old age. Not to mention all the ways they could improve their lives now with better financial management.

 

Beyond this, it makes me sad and angry that they've never really helped me out financially, yet they've been throwing their money away for years and years. They didn't invest anything in me when I was growing up, beyond the bare necessities. I've spent most of my adult life struggling financially, though I've been working my ass off my whole life, most of the time working far more than full time to get by and try to get ahead. One of my boyfriends told me he's never met anyone who has gotten less financial help from their parents than I have. I think about all the things I've done without, some of the bad and even dangerous conditions I've lived in to make my way through college, the many opportunities I've not been able to take, this burden of financial worry I've carried around my whole life.

 

My start-up business, which I started with next to nothing in the bank, has brought in more than 6 figures of revenue for the past 3 years. But as we expand, overhead increases. I've paid myself just enough salary to get by and reinvested most of our revenue into growing the business, because that's what you do when you're running your own start-up business with no financial backing. I've talked to many smart advisors, and they all agree we are in a perfect position to take off like a rocket and make a lot of money, with some investment of capital that will enable me to get office space and a small staff. I've seriously considering getting investors or a business loan, and a few very happy clients have even broached the subject of investing in me. But when you take that leap up, things get a lot more complicated financially, and you take on a much greater burden of risk. With absolutely no family financial backing, it seems foolish and risky to me to take on a large debt with no guarantee of success - and my advisors agree with that as well.

 

My mom offered me a little bit of money when I moved, but I had just landed my biggest contract in 2 years, and told her to hold onto it for a little while, until I definitely needed it. I even said, "Don't give it to Dad." Well... she gave it to Dad, to "loan" to one of his loser "friends". But she says once she has that much money again, she'll give it to me. And this time I'll take it, because even though I still haven't achieved real financial liftoff, I'm smarter with money than either of them are now.

 

It seems sad to me that if they had invested anything in me, I'd almost certainly be doing far better by now, in a much better position to help myself and them. And I'm one of the few of their kids who cares enough to help them in their old age, in spite of their failings. I feel like I should make the case for them to redirect all this wasted money into themselves and my endeavor, which has a high likelihood to succeed and generate a lot of profit with modest investment. They're just throwing it away now, so why not redirect their bets to a good hand, rather than one that's full of junk cards?

 

But I feel weird about asking them for money because I never have. I'm terrible at asking for help of any kind, I guess because I learned in childhood that the answer will always be no. I hinted at the subject with my mom last night, and then today she gave me a little bit of money. I did buy my dad a few small things he needed from the drugstore yesterday, and she offered to pay me back for them, but I didn't think it was enough to bother with. It's a complicated issue, because I feel really weird taking money from them, given how messed-up their situation is. But I genuinely believe that if anyone could help them get their finances and lives into better shape, I could. It's already happening in the house. I've gone through here like a whirlwind and cleaned up a lot of spots of disrepair and neglect in the house already. They seem kind of amazed and humbled by how much has improved in just 3 1/2 days of me being here.

 

I'm wary of stepping into the parent role as their daughter - but I guess that's what you do when your parents get older and start to lose their clarity of thinking. Well, my dad never had much, but my mom did.

 

I think my mom brought up the financial discussion because she knows what they're doing isn't healthy and they need help. When I gave her my advice, I could tell she thought it was sound, but was also wondering how she could redirect this big ship heading toward the iceberg.

 

Does anyone have any experience with this, advice on how to handle such a situation?

 

Hey, Ruby! Your posts are always insightful and intelligent. Thank you for being so open about what is not the easiest of topics.

 

First of all, I need you to realize how strong of a woman you truly are. I think that a previous poster said that you are independent. That was a great way to describe it. Look at your older sibling and all the issues he seems to be having. Some which may very well stem from his childhood. You should be very proud of what you have already accomplished. Most if not all of it on your own.

 

As far as your dad and his money flowing rather freely, shame on him for giving so much of it out to others without helping you more from within. It sounds as if he is a very lonely and angry man to be honest. Even if it is underneath the surface, so to speak. Shame on your mom for giving away money she was supposed to save for you.

 

Money can be pure evil. I have seen it my own self. My aunt and uncle were multi-millionaires. All to them was about money. How much you had meant how successful of a person you were. Sure they had a whole bunch of it. Yet, they never got the chance to enjoy any of it because of being such workaholics. It was like living in a damn museum. They felt that giving one nice clothes, fine food, and the best private schools was love. They also gave to charities left and right. Yet, did not really offer to help me much. The giving away of the money made them feel better about themselves and maybe even more important. Not that they cared about the cause. It was all about being seen and what you had to see. Perhaps it was the extravagance which ruined them.

 

You perhaps need to consider that your parents are very set in their own ways. Whether they are right or wrong. They have not really seemed to support you in the past. Why would this be different now? Talking about money issues with them more and trying to get them to change their spending habits may make them give it away even more freely. And, I know you want to make some sort of peace with them. I am just not sure how they would react given all you have said. I don't want you to have any more of a negative experience with them than you already have. You, of course, know them more than we do. But, maybe they need help in this area more than you can possibly give.

 

I know that you are not in the best financial situation right now. Mine is more of a mess than you can imagine. But, I did not go into the family business because of wanting to make it on my own. They would have given me all the money I could want. Had I played by the rules and done it all their way. I just would not have had happiness is all. The little I have has been completely earned.

 

Think of how much you have already accomplished. Even without any of their help. Think of all you want to still achieve. It is all going to feel so much better knowing you have earned it all on your own. Not that it will be easy at all. But, you will perhaps appreciate it more in the end.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, after just a few hours' reflection, I realize that all I'm going to do is continue to advise my mom to protect her money, and accept any money she offers - because I'll put it to good use, whereas the druggies and deadbeats equate to lighting the money on fire.

 

My mom is clearly in need of some guidance and support from somebody sane right now. Their diet has gotten pretty bad, and today she asked me for advice on healthy eating and a list of recommended foods to buy. We had healthy, home-cooked meals incorporating lots of fresh produce from her huge garden when I was growing up. But it's like she's almost forgotten all that. I made her a list, and she went out and got every single thing on the list. Clearly she trusts me completely and wants some help getting back to a healthier life again. I'm happy to help lift her out of the dark place my dad has dragged her down into.

[thekid36]

Yeah, after just a few hours' reflection, I realize that all I'm going to do is continue to advise my mom to protect her money, and accept any money she offers - because I'll put it to good use, whereas the druggies and deadbeats equate to lighting the money on fire.

 

My mom is clearly in need of some guidance and support from somebody sane right now. Their diet has gotten pretty bad, and today she asked me for advice on healthy eating and a list of recommended foods to buy. We had healthy, home-cooked meals incorporating lots of fresh produce from her huge garden when I was growing up. But it's like she's almost forgotten all that. I made her a list, and she went out and got every single thing on the list. Clearly she trusts me completely and wants some help getting back to a healthier life again. I'm happy to help lift her out of the dark place my dad has dragged her down into.

 

Reflecting before acting is usually a good bet. Sometimes, it is the other way around! You seem to have come to peace with accepting any help she does give you. That is what matters most. Your statement about you putting the money to good use is a very strong one. Much better within your kind hands than in between the manipulative fingers of a druggie or deadbeat! Just continue to realize that you are still capable of quite a lot on your own.

 

As said in a previous post, I honestly do believe that people can change. It may be rare and needs to come from within. Some are too stubborn or proud to do so. Maybe finding more peace with your dad is simply not possible at this time. Perhaps what will come of all it is that you can continue to try helping get your mom out of the dark.

 

Sad that so many spouses are dragged down by being with their partner when it is basically supposed to be the other way around.

 

Speaking of which. Please keep us up to date on the breakfast that I think is still going down this weekend!

Edited June 21, 2014 by thekid36

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, like I said, I'm not expecting to ever have this warm, close relationship with him. Right now I just appreciate that he's being civil and amiable, and showing some effort to be dad-like. He keeps making dreamy comments about whet he wishes he could do, like take my mom on vacation. I don't think he has the strength to face just how big of a failure he really is, and he never will. I still want to express how I feel to him eventually, but I don't really expect him to understand. I'll try to be as civil with it as possible. But I feel it's a self-respecting thing to do to speak my mind to him. I think I'll feel better just finally speaking the whole truth - when the time is right.

[thekid36]

Yeah, like I said, I'm not expecting to ever have this warm, close relationship with him. Right now I just appreciate that he's being civil and amiable, and showing some effort to be dad-like. He keeps making dreamy comments about whet he wishes he could do, like take my mom on vacation. I don't think he has the strength to face just how big of a failure he really is, and he never will. I still want to express how I feel to him eventually, but I don't really expect him to understand. I'll try to be as civil with it as possible. But I feel it's a self-respecting thing to do to speak my mind to him. I think I'll feel better just finally speaking the whole truth - when the time is right.

 

That is all that I really wanted on my end. For my aunt and uncle to just be civil to me. They just did not have it in them to allow that. I honestly think that a little effort goes a long way sometimes. Effort shows that one does care. Even if one is not capable of giving us what we ultimately may want/have wanted.

 

Not to compare your life to a movie. Nor, that you were abused. But, in Antwone Fisher, the character goes back as an adult and speaks his mind to those that hurt him growing up. Not that they were receptive. But, just being able to speak gives him the continued strength to fully move on with his life. Your dad may never understand you. Still, you cannot change the way that you feel. Nor, should you ever have to.

 

You mentioned that your dad was/is having some health issues. Take advantage of the time you still have and speak all that is on your mind. Do not feel like you have to hold back or sugar coat it. There is definitely a way to be firm and determined without being completely mean. As you say, when the time is right. This sounds like a perfect plan.

[Ruby Slippers]

My dad said this morning he wanted to wait until next week to go out for a meal. He's taking some post-surgery medication that his doctor said would make him feel yucky, and he's been having dizzy spells. I understood and wasn't upset about it. I'm not really expecting the plans to go through, but that's OK.

 

The night when he suggested that we have breakfast, an old friend who has been very much a father figure to me during this time came over to install a wireless router for me. This guy has done more fatherly things for me during this move than my own dad has ever done for me. I think my dad saw what he was doing and felt the contrast against how little he has done. So he felt momentarily inspired to do something dad-like - but I expect the feeling to pass. Maybe he'll want to stick with the plan, but I kind of doubt it.

 

Right now I just appreciate that somewhere is his heart, he wishes he could have been a better man and a better dad. And I feel compassion and sadness for him that he has failed.

 

My impression of my dad now is that he's been a failure in life and can't bear to face that. And now I'm feeling like those who said I should find closure within are right. Though his failures have caused me to endure a lot of hardship, I'm obviously far stronger than he, and more able to understand the situation to any depth. Right now I'm feeling like it will be more compassionate to him and to me not to express to him how I feel, and reinforce the fact that he was a failure as a father. I don't believe he has the self-awareness, insight, or strength to face that at all. I think he would only get defensive and angry, further demonstrating how far short he continues to fall. Why put us both through that? He's shown me all my life exactly who he is. I can take it or leave it.

 

Last night I talked with my mom about how the house has been neglected, crammed with useless things, and slipped into disrepair. I brought up the subject of depression, and she admitted she's been depressed for years, is getting worse, and she agrees with what I've said before, that it's not healthy how they've isolated themselves.

 

I asked her what she would like me to do to help with the house, where we should start, and she told me she would like to work on the kitchen.

 

I went out to run some errands and have lunch and drinks with another old friend, the wife of the fatherly friend mentioned above - she's a warm, loving mother figure to me, and has also been completely amazing over the past week. She's one of those few people in the world I can talk to about absolutely anything, and she will listen without any judgment and offer solutions.

 

Then I came home and gave my room a deep cleaning. Like the rest of the house, the room has some structural problems, including a hidden leak I discovered behind the wall that has caused some water damage and, I suspect, mold/mildew. I'm going to talk to my father-like friend about replacing that drywall and possibly replacing the flooring, if he thinks it's warranted and my parents can afford to replace it. He's a master handyman and home renovator, has done some beautiful work in his home, and has offered to help in any way he can. And he's more than proven he means it by his behavior the past week. I don't know what I would have done without him. As soon as we get the kitchen fixed up, I'm going to start cooking and baking for them, because they absolutely love my cooking, and it's an affordable thing I can do right now that I know they will appreciate. My mom also used to be an excellent cook - that has slipped as well, but I can tell she's warming up the muscles again.

 

I also did some clean-up work with her little garden spot. It's the one part of the property that looks like some care has been put into it. I cleaned up all the plants, sprayed down the stonework and got it looking nice, and suggested to her that we plant a vegetable garden like she had when I was a kid, even just a couple of tomato plants and some basil to bring a little more life to the place. She seemed daunted, but open to the idea.

 

I think that I'll live near my parents for at least the next year. My mom has a lot of life left in her, and she needs help badly. Though she's never really been the warm, sweet mother I longed to have, we have a good relationship and I enjoy spending time with her. This evening she showed me her computer games and we played one together. It was sweet. I also got her to do a short, easy, 15-minute yoga DVD with me this morning. I'm impressed that every time I recommend something healthy for her to do, she's receptive without question.

 

This feels like a real labor of love - and not just for her and them, but for me, too.

 

I'm making it more comfortable for me to live here, and now I'm considering staying a little longer - both to save money and help them lift the house and property back to its former glory. They have a beautiful piece of property and house that my dad designed and built. (He's got a wide streak of darkness, but he's had some flashes of inspired brilliance along the way.) It's really sad to see it be so neglected.

 

I found this really cool drawing that I did in college behind the bed. I was a fine arts major and took an intensive drawing class in the art department. I spent at least 15 hours on this drawing. The frame and negative space of the drawing were affected by the water damage, and it made me really sad to see that they took down from the wall this really nice piece of art that I put so much time and effort into and stuck it in a corner to rot. It struck me that this is a good snapshot of the entire situation. They've never been able to appreciate my gifts. But somehow, seeing it framed like that showed me it's nothing personal. This is really a nice piece of work. It's a very large format drawing of a small object with fine details, a metal compass blown up larger than life. I did it in sepia charcoal on brown paper, with black for the dark places and white for the reflective highlights on the metal threads of the screw mechanism. I've gotten many compliments on it. I remember my drug addict Virgo brother, before he sank into the pit of addiction, sitting with me and going on for a good 15 minutes about why this drawing makes such a statement. But my parents couldn't see that. They could not appreciate the art staring them right in the face.

 

I'm not sure why that is, but it just is. The problem was never that the work of art that is myself wasn't a fine work of art (as we are all fine works of art). It's that they didn't have the capacity to appreciate it.

 

But they are still my parents, and even with their shortcomings, I love them and want to see them thrive as much as possible. And I don't believe that I'll be able to thrive fully and achieve my true potential unless I do what I can to help make that happen for them as well.

 

I'm considering writing about all this in a more formal way. I've been thinking seriously about writing a book for a while, and I feel that every day now is ripe with interesting storylines and details.

 

I've also been thinking a lot about how the cost of office space and talent will be much cheaper here than in Chicago, and whereas everybody in Chicago is trying to be a star, here I'm more a big fish in a small pond, and can possibly take the next step up with more confidence.

 

My mood and mojo are rising again.

[thekid36]

My dad said this morning he wanted to wait until next week to go out for a meal. He's taking some post-surgery medication that his doctor said would make him feel yucky, and he's been having dizzy spells. I understood and wasn't upset about it. I'm not really expecting the plans to go through, but that's OK.

 

The night when he suggested that we have breakfast, an old friend who has been very much a father figure to me during this time came over to install a wireless router for me. This guy has done more fatherly things for me during this move than my own dad has ever done for me. I think my dad saw what he was doing and felt the contrast against how little he has done. So he felt momentarily inspired to do something dad-like - but I expect the feeling to pass. Maybe he'll want to stick with the plan, but I kind of doubt it.

 

Right now I just appreciate that somewhere is his heart, he wishes he could have been a better man and a better dad. And I feel compassion and sadness for him that he has failed.

 

My impression of my dad now is that he's been a failure in life and can't bear to face that. And now I'm feeling like those who said I should find closure within are right. Though his failures have caused me to endure a lot of hardship, I'm obviously far stronger than he, and more able to understand the situation to any depth. Right now I'm feeling like it will be more compassionate to him and to me not to express to him how I feel, and reinforce the fact that he was a failure as a father. I don't believe he has the self-awareness, insight, or strength to face that at all. I think he would only get defensive and angry, further demonstrating how far short he continues to fall. Why put us both through that? He's shown me all my life exactly who he is. I can take it or leave it.

 

Last night I talked with my mom about how the house has been neglected, crammed with useless things, and slipped into disrepair. I brought up the subject of depression, and she admitted she's been depressed for years, is getting worse, and she agrees with what I've said before, that it's not healthy how they've isolated themselves.

 

I asked her what she would like me to do to help with the house, where we should start, and she told me she would like to work on the kitchen.

 

I went out to run some errands and have lunch and drinks with another old friend, the wife of the fatherly friend mentioned above - she's a warm, loving mother figure to me, and has also been completely amazing over the past week. She's one of those few people in the world I can talk to about absolutely anything, and she will listen without any judgment and offer solutions.

 

Then I came home and gave my room a deep cleaning. Like the rest of the house, the room has some structural problems, including a hidden leak I discovered behind the wall that has caused some water damage and, I suspect, mold/mildew. I'm going to talk to my father-like friend about replacing that drywall and possibly replacing the flooring, if he thinks it's warranted and my parents can afford to replace it. He's a master handyman and home renovator, has done some beautiful work in his home, and has offered to help in any way he can. And he's more than proven he means it by his behavior the past week. I don't know what I would have done without him. As soon as we get the kitchen fixed up, I'm going to start cooking and baking for them, because they absolutely love my cooking, and it's an affordable thing I can do right now that I know they will appreciate. My mom also used to be an excellent cook - that has slipped as well, but I can tell she's warming up the muscles again.

 

I also did some clean-up work with her little garden spot. It's the one part of the property that looks like some care has been put into it. I cleaned up all the plants, sprayed down the stonework and got it looking nice, and suggested to her that we plant a vegetable garden like she had when I was a kid, even just a couple of tomato plants and some basil to bring a little more life to the place. She seemed daunted, but open to the idea.

 

I think that I'll live near my parents for at least the next year. My mom has a lot of life left in her, and she needs help badly. Though she's never really been the warm, sweet mother I longed to have, we have a good relationship and I enjoy spending time with her. This evening she showed me her computer games and we played one together. It was sweet. I also got her to do a short, easy, 15-minute yoga DVD with me this morning. I'm impressed that every time I recommend something healthy for her to do, she's receptive without question.

 

This feels like a real labor of love - and not just for her and them, but for me, too.

 

I'm making it more comfortable for me to live here, and now I'm considering staying a little longer - both to save money and help them lift the house and property back to its former glory. They have a beautiful piece of property and house that my dad designed and built. (He's got a wide streak of darkness, but he's had some flashes of inspired brilliance along the way.) It's really sad to see it be so neglected.

 

I found this really cool drawing that I did in college behind the bed. I was a fine arts major and took an intensive drawing class in the art department. I spent at least 15 hours on this drawing. The frame and negative space of the drawing were affected by the water damage, and it made me really sad to see that they took down from the wall this really nice piece of art that I put so much time and effort into and stuck it in a corner to rot. It struck me that this is a good snapshot of the entire situation. They've never been able to appreciate my gifts. But somehow, seeing it framed like that showed me it's nothing personal. This is really a nice piece of work. It's a very large format drawing of a small object with fine details, a metal compass blown up larger than life. I did it in sepia charcoal on brown paper, with black for the dark places and white for the reflective highlights on the metal threads of the screw mechanism. I've gotten many compliments on it. I remember my drug addict Virgo brother, before he sank into the pit of addiction, sitting with me and going on for a good 15 minutes about why this drawing makes such a statement. But my parents couldn't see that. They could not appreciate the art staring them right in the face.

 

I'm not sure why that is, but it just is. The problem was never that the work of art that is myself wasn't a fine work of art (as we are all fine works of art). It's that they didn't have the capacity to appreciate it.

 

But they are still my parents, and even with their shortcomings, I love them and want to see them thrive as much as possible. And I don't believe that I'll be able to thrive fully and achieve my true potential unless I do what I can to help make that happen for them as well.

 

I'm considering writing about all this in a more formal way. I've been thinking seriously about writing a book for a while, and I feel that every day now is ripe with interesting storylines and details.

 

I've also been thinking a lot about how the cost of office space and talent will be much cheaper here than in Chicago, and whereas everybody in Chicago is trying to be a star, here I'm more a big fish in a small pond, and can possibly take the next step up with more confidence.

 

My mood and mojo are rising again.

 

So, I know that this is the internet and that it is hard to get a full feel for someone without really knowing him/her in person. And, I know that some may see this as being sort of sappy. But, I honestly think that you are a rather remarkable woman, Ruby. And, I have a hunch that a few others on here would agree.

 

Not because I have you up on a pedestal as someone who is perfect. But, because you are truly trying to be a good person each and every day. That is more than most of us can attest to.

 

First of all, your positive personality throughout all of this turmoil is nothing other than powerful. So much that was in your past. All of this going on around you now. Yet, you continue to try to turn all of these negatives into positives. That is all of us with nightmares from our neglected past can do. This may not go as originally planned. However, I sense that you are well on your way to finding the emotional peace that I was never able to establish. I wish that I could give you a hug.

 

Second, the fact that you are also choosing to help out those who were not always there for you shows exactly who you are as a person. It does seem as if your mother is in need of a lot. She also seems to be sort of receptive. May the kind deeds offered come back to you when it is least expected.

 

Your selfless nature comes through yet again when you suggest that you may not confront your father right now. Even as much as you may want to, and despite the fact that he was not always there for you, still you consider what is best for him.

 

It is good that you staying there will open up more opportunities for you. I am actually very familiar with Chicago and have lived a little North of the city a couple of times. Great city to visit. Perhaps not the easiest to live in.

 

I think that you should definitely write that book. Even if your folks cannot fully appreciate your gifts, there are many of us crazy souls out there who would find comfort in your correspondence. I am actually writing a semi-autobiographical script about my own life. Writing can be so therapeutic and relaxing.

Edited June 22, 2014 by thekid36

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you for those very sweet comments. I am certainly far from perfect, but I know that I have a good heart, and I believe I will be able to do some great things in life.

 

In the darkest times when I've ruminated and mourned over being dealt such a difficult hand, I always come back to this as a silver lining of all the dark storms: these experiences have evoked in me an unusual degree of compassion and understanding for the suffering and pain of others. They have also given me an atypical degree of appreciation for the good things in life when they come. I know that when I achieve real financial lift-off, I will use my fortune to do good for the disadvantaged, downtrodden, and neglected people of the world.

 

As soon as my business achieves real lift-off, I want to build upon that by starting a non-profit venture to help the people who have slipped through the cracks.

 

I feel that my best is yet to come

[thekid36]

Thank you for those very sweet comments. I am certainly far from perfect, but I know that I have a good heart, and I believe I will be able to do some great things in life.

 

In the darkest times when I've ruminated and mourned over being dealt such a difficult hand, I always come back to this as a silver lining of all the dark storms: these experiences have evoked in me an unusual degree of compassion and understanding for the suffering and pain of others. They have also given me an atypical degree of appreciation for the good things in life when they come. I know that when I achieve real financial lift-off, I will use my fortune to do good for the disadvantaged, downtrodden, and neglected people of the world.

 

As soon as my business achieves real lift-off, I want to build upon that by starting a non-profit venture to help the people who have slipped through the cracks.

 

I feel that my best is yet to come

 

Hey, Ruby! Man, having insomnia sort of sucks! And, not in the fun sense of that word!

 

You're very, very welcome! Usually, I would be the first to admit that my thoughts are simply an opinion. Yet, I challenge anyone who reads this thread to form one that is definitively different!

 

I have tried to offer some helpful advice the few days of being on these boards. I have been through an awful lot and perhaps can offer a passionate perspective on things. But, your specific story really resonates with me. I think we actually have a few things in common and it helps me more easily relate to what you are going through.

 

All the negative I went through has made me into the positive person that exists today. Like you, not a perfect one. Not even close! But, there is a reason why I not only teach, but, teach those students who are at-risk and in danger of dropping out. There are so many magnificent souls out there who are already behind the eight-ball. So many have given up on them. All they are asking for is a chance. I will continue to be that advocate for them.

 

It is interesting that you should say that the best is yet to come for you. I truly believe that we are never given more than we can handle and that there is a reason for all we go through. Our path may not be the one we originally planned out. Yet, somehow the right one will find us. Sort of like the Robert Frost poem.

 

All of the confliction you have come across will only make you more fully appreciate all of the awesome achievements which are still to come.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you again! Yes, I've had trouble sleeping every night since I arrived. I'm not sure if it's the whirlwind of thoughts about all the things I want to do, or all the sweet tea I'm drinking (Southern girl)

 

You said that you have not yet achieved emotional peace. Even though your aunt and uncle died before you were able to make your peace with them, I hope will be able to make peace within yourself. You sound like a wonderful, good-hearted man who deserves peace and joy.

 

As many suggested I might, I'm really finding the answers within myself. My dad is like a boat far across the water who's flashing intermittent signals to me through a storm. I'm realizing that the signals are encouraging, but too weak to make much sense of - so I'll have to figure out how to navigate these waves on my own, hopefully with a little luck from a forgiving sea.

 

I'm sorry you were not sufficiently loved in childhood, but I hope you (and I!) will realize that doesn't mean you're doomed to stay on that wavelength forever.

 

(Time to raid the fridge for a 3:30 am snack.)

[thekid36]

Thank you again! Yes, I've had trouble sleeping every night since I arrived. I'm not sure if it's the whirlwind of thoughts about all the things I want to do, or all the sweet tea I'm drinking (Southern girl)

 

You said that you have not yet achieved emotional peace. Even though your aunt and uncle died before you were able to make your peace with them, I hope will be able to make peace within yourself. You sound like a wonderful, good-hearted man who deserves peace and joy.

 

As many suggested I might, I'm really finding the answers within myself. My dad is like a boat far across the water who's flashing intermittent signals to me through a storm. I'm realizing that the signals are encouraging, but too weak to make much sense of - so I'll have to figure out how to navigate these waters on my own, hopefully with a little luck from a forgiving sea.

 

I'm sorry you were not sufficiently loved in childhood, but I hope you (and I!) will realize that doesn't mean we're doomed to stay on that wavelength forever.

 

(Time to raid the fridge for a 3:30 am snack.)

 

You are welcome once again! There is no need at all to thank me. But, I know that you are being sincere. And, I suppose that we can still exchange messages on here even though diet iced tea is actually my own elixir of choice. You are just lucky that you're sweet, so to speak!

 

Mister Sandman has been sort of slow to find me as well. I always feel like something should be done. Hard for my mind to shut down. The school year just ended and I am having a terrible time adjusting to the less structured schedule. This is about the time I would be waking up during the year!

 

Now, it is my turn to thank you for those very kind thoughts. This is exactly why I want you to do all you can to find the peace with them I never did. I do find more and more peace within myself with every moment that passes. Sure, there are hours in which I feel some guilt still. But, I make it a necessity to find at least one positive part in each day. Perhaps like you, going through so much negative makes you appreciate those little things even more. I tend to think that the crazy childhood which was of my belonging brought out the man that exists within it today. Not sure if I would be the same person had my mom and dad had lived much longer. And, I sort of like the lad that I have become.

 

What a magnificent simile of your scarred father. We really are our own best teachers. This seems like a significant stop within your life. You are trying to make the most of it. In every single possible way. I truly feel that all of this will make even more sense to you as the moments continue to move on.

[Ruby Slippers]

Things are going pretty well. We've settled into more of a groove and we're getting along just fine.

 

Yesterday I showed my dad the water damage, and he agreed that the carpet needs to be replaced and wall needs to be fixed. He said he's been meaning to replace the carpet for a long time. I did my first little test run of expressing unresolved feelings to him, and it was much easier than I imagined.

 

When I was in high school, my dad was seriously injured and almost killed. The accident left him partially disabled, which is why he requires so much assistance from my mom (and now me, when she's out). While he was in the hospital for 2 months, my siblings, mom, and some of my dad's friends came together and finished renovating this house, which he designed and built. He had just bought back the house from his first wife, who got the house in the divorce. It's much nicer than the house I grew up in, which is next door.

 

Along with my mom and siblings, I spent weeks helping get the house ready for his return from the hospital. When he returned, he got teary-eyed, and he thanked all my siblings but never thanked me. That was a real knife in the heart. I felt like all my work was totally unappreciated and never acknowledged.

 

Yesterday he was telling me he wasn't happy with some of the work his friends did, and was showing me the poor caulking job along my bedroom window, which led to the leak and the moldy corner.

 

I said, "Dad, it hurt my feelings that you never thanked me for all the work I put into the house."

 

He said he didn't know I did any work on the house. I guess because I was just a teenager, he assumed I didn't help. And nobody bothered to tell him.

 

I told him that most days, when everybody else was gone, I was still here working till after dark. I remember playing these old records on a record player while I worked. Every time I hear "Hey Jude", I still think of those weeks working in this house.

 

Then he said, "Well, thank you." And I said, "You're welcome." Easy as that. Calm and clear.

 

Now, that's about a teacup's worth of unresolved emotions in an ocean of them. But I suppose it's something. "Take a sad sooooong, and make it betterrrr..."

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm not worried about you, Ruby. You have shown through your posts that you have more compassion and insight in your little finger than your parents would even know what to do with. I think my childhood made me a better man, I work harder and want more, always striving for my personal best. I think that is the gift you give yourself when others fail you. You said your father showed you exactly who is, and that is a true statement except his life has been unexamined by him and so he can't possibly give you what you need because he doesn't understand the implication of being a good man and father.

 

Your compassion for both of your parents is way closer to personal best than anything they could do for you now. Closure isn't always getting what we need from others but what we need from ourselves. I found closure in being a good man, husband and father. Also, thekid36 is right in that we know there is something very special in RubySlippers, something that no amount of neglect can diminish. Sometimes we just have to find our personal best and let others find their path with our torch of light rather than keep looking to them to light their own torch.

You know who you are, there isn't much else you need to really know in life except how to enjoy being you.

In support,

Grumps

[thekid36]

Things are going pretty well. We've settled into more of a groove and we're getting along just fine.

 

Yesterday I showed my dad the water damage, and he agreed that the carpet needs to be replaced and wall needs to be fixed. He said he's been meaning to replace the carpet for a long time. I did my first little test run of expressing unresolved feelings to him, and it was much easier than I imagined.

 

When I was in high school, my dad was seriously injured and almost killed. The accident left him partially disabled, which is why he requires so much assistance from my mom (and now me, when she's out). While he was in the hospital for 2 months, my siblings, mom, and some of my dad's friends came together and finished renovating this house, which he designed and built. He had just bought back the house from his first wife, who got the house in the divorce. It's much nicer than the house I grew up in, which is next door.

 

Along with my mom and siblings, I spent weeks helping get the house ready for his return from the hospital. When he returned, he got teary-eyed, and he thanked all my siblings but never thanked me. That was a real knife in the heart. I felt like all my work was totally unappreciated and never acknowledged.

 

Yesterday he was telling me he wasn't happy with some of the work his friends did, and was showing me the poor caulking job along my bedroom window, which led to the leak and the moldy corner.

 

I said, "Dad, it hurt my feelings that you never thanked me for all the work I put into the house."

 

He said he didn't know I did any work on the house. I guess because I was just a teenager, he assumed I didn't help. And nobody bothered to tell him.

 

I told him that most days, when everybody else was gone, I was still here working till after dark. I remember playing these old records on a record player while I worked. Every time I hear "Hey Jude", I still think of those weeks working in this house.

 

Then he said, "Well, thank you." And I said, "You're welcome." Easy as that. Calm and clear.

 

Now, that's about a teacup's worth of unresolved emotions in an ocean of them. But I suppose it's something. "Take a sad sooooong, and make it betterrrr..."

 

You have to walk one mile at a time before you can run the whole marathon. I think that you are on the right track.

 

Taking a proactive and positive approach like this means that no matter what comes of it, you can hopefully find a little more peace knowing that you have made every effort to try to make things better. This will be a benefit to you going forward.

 

Lots is going on there at this point in time, Ruby. You seem to be sort of busy lately helping them. This is absolutely awesome. Just keep remembering to take care of your own self. As a fellow giver, this is one thing that took me awhile to realize. I can take a rest and do something sort of selfish every once in awhile and not be such a horrible person. It helps me be a better giver in the end.

 

On a side note. One thing that I have been thinking about is that perhaps one reason your siblings have had more attention is because of you being a sort of overachiever. This happens all of the time in schools. It is those with behavior issues and low grades who seem to get more of the attention. When in reality, all children need equal time. Not saying it is right. Just something I see each and every day. Another reason why acute analysis is a good thing and that life is a continual lesson of learning.

Edited June 23, 2014 by thekid36

[turnera]

Yep. The kids who cause all the trouble are the ones who get the parents' time. Sucks, but it's reality.

[thekid36]

Yep. The kids who cause all the trouble are the ones who get the parents' time. Sucks, but it's reality.

 

And then, people wonder why you hear all the time lately about all of these school shootings and stabbings. It is not necessarily idiots at all who cause all of this. Many have/had the potential to do great things.

 

But, those who end up falling from the cracks have a better tendency to feel neglected. Then, they have no clue how to handle it. Thus, they use their talents in terrible ways.

 

This is why not all great leaders are necessarily good people. Which is even more reason why we should cherish someone like Ruby and others who seem and strive to be both.

 

Even despite all of the outside factors which may be trying to work against someone from achieving his/her full potential. You have to find the strength from within.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, y'all are absolutely right that part of the reason I got so little help is that I think my parents thought I'd be one of the kids who could make it on my own and didn't need much help. It doesn't excuse how they failed to nurture me and support my aspirations, especially in childhood. At times as a kid, I felt that there must be something very wrong with me to be treated so poorly. But it's sinking in that it's really not personal.

 

I've already had a stellar week for new business in just 2 days of being back at it. Today I was helping my dad make another medical appointment for a problem that looks pretty urgent, and my parents were fretting about the threat of more medical bills on top of all the bills they're already paying off. I talked it through with them, and then my dad was hinting that he hopes I can make some big money with my business and help alleviate the pressure. This is the first time in his life he's hinting at leaning on me for anything. One thing I have to say in their favor is they've never tried to lean on me in that way, or guilt me into doing anything. They're gracious about any help I'm giving them now, and my dad tries to maintain as much independence as he can with his disability.

 

I told him that I'm pretty confident I can do better than I ever dreamed with this business, as long as I get some emotional support and encouragement from the people in my life. It takes tremendous confidence to put yourself in the spotlight as I'm preparing to do for my business. I've done it before in other ways, and I'm psyching myself up to do it more in this context.

 

I think it will be amazing to make all this happen, and to help uplift my strange family, even given all the troubled history. I have a very strong feeling that it's going to happen.

 

Thank you for the reminder to take care of myself. I have been doing a lot to help my parents, but the truth is that everything I'm doing is good for me, too. I feel the healing happening by the day. I talked to my counselor today, and he said it's pretty amazing how much good progress we've made in just 1 week. Fighting for the people I care about has always motivated me very easily, whereas I've struggled at times to fight for myself. But now I'm doing both, and I feel that I'm seeing exponential results. I'm naturally choosing to eat very clean right now, getting active, doing my yoga, getting in this glowing zen zone. I'm about to start building up my social circle here, finding fitness friends, joining business organizations to start networking and developing my skills. I also pulled out my guitar and starting warming up my hands and voice, learning a new song. Maybe soon I'll start writing music again.

 

I don't feel that anything is missing right now. I feel that I'm exactly on the right track, and surpising and wonderful things are ahead

[thekid36]

Yes, y'all are absolutely right that part of the reason I got so little help is that I think my parents thought I'd be one of the kids who could make it on my own and didn't need much help. It doesn't excuse how they failed to nurture me and support my aspirations, especially in childhood. At times as a kid, I felt that there must be something very wrong with me to be treated so poorly. But it's sinking in that it's really not personal.

 

I've already had a stellar week for new business in just 2 days of being back at it. Today I was helping my dad make another medical appointment for a problem that looks pretty urgent, and my parents were fretting about the threat of more medical bills on top of all the bills they're already paying off. I talked it through with them, and then my dad was hinting that he hopes I can make some big money with my business and help alleviate the pressure. This is the first time in his life he's hinting at leaning on me for anything. One thing I have to say in their favor is they've never tried to lean on me in that way, or guilt me into doing anything. They're gracious about any help I'm giving them now, and my dad tries to maintain as much independence as he can with his disability.

 

I told him that I'm pretty confident I can do better than I ever dreamed with this business, as long as I get some emotional support and encouragement from the people in my life. It takes tremendous confidence to put yourself in the spotlight as I'm preparing to do for my business. I've done it before in other ways, and I'm psyching myself up to do it more in this context.

 

I think it will be amazing to make all this happen, and to help uplift my strange family, even given all the troubled history. I have a very strong feeling that it's going to happen.

 

Thank you for the reminder to take care of myself. I have been doing a lot to help my parents, but the truth is that everything I'm doing is good for me, too. I feel the healing happening by the day. I talked to my counselor today, and he said it's pretty amazing how much good progress we've made in just 1 week. Fighting for the people I care about has always motivated me very easily, whereas I've struggled at times to fight for myself. But now I'm doing both, and I feel that I'm seeing exponential results. I'm naturally choosing to eat very clean right now, getting active, doing my yoga, getting in this glowing zen zone. I'm about to start building up my social circle here, finding fitness friends, joining business organizations to start networking and developing my skills. I also pulled out my guitar and starting warming up my hands and voice, learning a new song. Maybe soon I'll start writing music again.

 

I don't feel that anything is missing right now. I feel that I'm exactly on the right track, and surpising and wonderful things are ahead

 

Right yet again, Ruby. You cannot take personally the way you were wrongly treated. Nothing you said or did warranted it. It took me so long to come to this realization. When I realized I could not control my aunt and uncle's actions and only my own reactions, it was basically an epiphany. The guilt which generally revolves around my own lack of closure with them still exists. But, I also continue to find comfort in knowing that the world is still my oyster even still.

 

It does sound like you are definitely taking care of your own self. That truly makes me smile. You are simply a giver from all it sounds like. It gives you happiness to help others who are important within your life.

 

And, those people who are lucky enough to cross paths with you are no doubt the better for it.

[TouchedByViolet]

The best thing to do is just move on and cut these negative people out of your life. My mom was terrible and I haven't talked to her in years.

 

These type of people...

1. do not change

2. will never really understand how negatively there impact was

3. Cannot change the past

4. Will drag you down emotionally and often financially

 

I'm an independent person by nature so maybe it wasn't as hard for me.

 

Having said that I do still sometimes feel cheated about my youth. So much potential wasted.... that's what frustrates me

[thekid36]

The best thing to do is just move on and cut these negative people out of your life. My mom was terrible and I haven't talked to her in years.

 

These type of people...

1. do not change

2. will never really understand how negatively there impact was

3. Cannot change the past

4. Will drag you down emotionally and often financially

 

I'm an independent person by nature so maybe it wasn't as hard for me.

 

Having said that I do still sometimes feel cheated about my youth. So much potential wasted.... that's what frustrates me

 

 

Sometimes, it is best to cut them out. Because, what we most likely want is those positive souls who make our lives a little better for being within it.

I did not talk to my abusive aunt and uncle for years. Till the one day they both passed away. It sort of left me with a lack of complete closure.

 

 

But, I get why you would not talk to your mother at this point. I admire you for having the strength to still move on without her in your life. Even with all the possible wasted potential. You still have the chance to make the most of it now. No one person should ever have the power to hold us back.

 

 

It is just that we need to try remembering that all situations and all people do have the tendency to be different. We all move on in different ways, so to speak. We all have to do what is best for us.

 

 

 

I am one of those crazy ones who think that some people can actually change. If it comes from within.

[Emilia]

I'm happy to help lift her out of the dark place my dad has dragged her down into.

I promise you Ruby that I'm not nitpicking when each time I go back to the fact that your mum has her own free will. This is a dynamic between your parents. They are in a codependent relationship, it has been your mother's choice in her adult life. This isn't entirely on your father.

 

Please do not see yourself as a rescuer. You must recognise codependent relationships in order to stay clear of them. Very important.

[Ruby Slippers]

I know I'm not going to "rescue" anybody. But I believe that I can have a positive influence on them, and exerting my influence in this way is mirroring good things back to me.

 

When it gets right down to it, I'm doing all this for me, so I can actualize my full potential and use it for maximum good. I will share the bounty of my success with my family and friends, but first I'll take care of myself.

 

I've felt for a while that the biggest thing standing in my way of taking the next big leap in life (business, romance, social life, health, self-esteem) is all this unresolved childhood stuff. And now, it's starting to get resolved. Just the progress we've made in one week has been dramatic, and has had a dramatic impact on my sense of confidence, sense of self. All the pieces are coming together and making sense. Even if no further progress is made, the first week after this move has been profound and has opened doors and windows that were locked tight for decades.

 

I respect anyone's decision to have no contact with their families - but that is not the right path for me.

 

My mom put on a nice outfit yesterday, whereas before she was wearing serviceable but drab clothes. During her period of recovery from alcoholism, she started going to church and possibly for the first time in her life built up a really good support system of friends in the church. She started putting together a really nice wardrobe and became a star in her social group, for her sense of style, excellent cooking that she would share with everybody, and trustworthy nature. I've asked her if she would like to get back to it, and she says she would and clearly longs for it, but various things have felt like obstacles. (They're not big obstacles, but a depressed person can feel overwhelmed with even small obstacles.) She's been cleaning up the house, she's started cooking excellent meals again, she's called a couple of friends she hasn't talked to in a long time. I'm just here to remind her to respect herself and not let herself be dragged down. She will have to take the steps to do that - I'm just a voice of reminder for her. She sees the way I'm respecting myself and putting myself and my livelihood first, and it's inspiring her to do the same.

 

My dad is starting to dream in his own way, and making small comments to admit his shortcomings over the years. He's offering small forms of help, and isn't arguing with any of my gentle suggestions for improvement. He enables my brother, and yesterday in discussing the concept of enabling with him, he admitted he's probably the guiltiest party there, and seemed open to trying something different.

 

I have a client who used to be a drug intervention counselor, and he's already offered to fly out here for free and counsel my entire family regarding my addict brother who has struggled so much. For now, I'm just getting his advice on how to approach the situation, and he's being very helpful.

 

I won't let anybody drag me down. Everything I'm doing here is good for my family, and good for me.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Ruby Slippers