Resolving daddy issues

[thekid36]

I know I'm not going to "rescue" anybody. But I believe that I can have a positive influence on them, and exerting my influence in this way is mirroring good things back to me.

 

When it gets right down to it, I'm doing all this for me, so I can actualize my full potential and use it for maximum good. I will share the bounty of my success with my family and friends, but first I'll take care of myself.

 

I've felt for a while that the biggest thing standing in my way of taking the next big leap in life (business, romance, social life, health, self-esteem) is all this unresolved childhood stuff. And now, it's starting to get resolved. Just the progress we've made in one week has been dramatic, and has had a dramatic impact on my sense of confidence, sense of self. All the pieces are coming together and making sense. Even if no further progress is made, the first week after this move has been profound and has opened doors and windows that were locked tight for decades.

 

I respect anyone's decision to have no contact with their families - but that is not the right path for me.

 

My mom put on a nice outfit yesterday, whereas before she was wearing serviceable but drab clothes. During her period of recovery from alcoholism, she started going to church and possibly for the first time in her life built up a really good support system of friends in the church. She started putting together a really nice wardrobe and became a star in her social group, for her sense of style, excellent cooking that she would share with everybody, and trustworthy nature. I've asked her if she would like to get back to it, and she says she would and clearly longs for it, but various things have felt like obstacles. (They're not big obstacles, but a depressed person can feel overwhelmed with even small obstacles.) She's been cleaning up the house, she's started cooking excellent meals again, she's called a couple of friends she hasn't talked to in a long time. I'm just here to remind her to respect herself and not let herself be dragged down. She will have to take the steps to do that - I'm just a voice of reminder for her. She sees the way I'm respecting myself and putting myself and my livelihood first, and it's inspiring her to do the same.

 

My dad is starting to dream in his own way, and making small comments to admit his shortcomings over the years. He's offering small forms of help, and isn't arguing with any of my gentle suggestions for improvement. He enables my brother, and yesterday in discussing the concept of enabling with him, he admitted he's probably the guiltiest party there, and seemed open to trying something different.

 

I have a client who used to be a drug intervention counselor, and he's already offered to fly out here for free and counsel my entire family regarding my addict brother who has struggled so much. For now, I'm just getting his advice on how to approach the situation, and he's being very helpful.

 

I won't let anybody drag me down. Everything I'm doing here is good for my family, and good for me.

 

You have to basically do what is best in your specific situation, Ruby. For you and those who are lucky enough to be around you. All of us can psychoanalyze the position of another. We can all play the Monday morning quarterback within our own lives as well as inside of everyone else's. This is the path you are meant to go down because it seems to feel right for you. Never forget that poem by Uncle Frost.

 

So full of smiles to see all of this swift progress. So other then what I have already said, you have just about made a prolific word user utterly speechless.

 

Speechless with smiles.

 

Congratulations.

[Ruby Slippers]

I really appreciate the encouragement and acknowledgement. There's not really anyone in my life right now aside from my counselor who fully appreciates the magnitude of all this and gives me positive reinforcement for the progress. I get small bits of it here and there, and I could get more if I explained things to my friends more thoroughly and asked for it. But it's nice not to have to ask. So I really appreciate it

 

I had my first altercation with my dad today since I got here.

 

We were sitting in the living room this morning having coffee. I started talking to my dad about some car work that my dad-like friend recently had done, initiating conversation and trying to relate to him, choosing a subject I know he’s interested in. Most of the time, I initiate any conversation or communication with my dad. He has approached me a few times lately, but mostly it’s me doing the approaching.

 

He started nitpicking this one detail of what I was saying, and I said, “OK, that’s fine. I don’t know much about cars - but my point was (blah blah).”

 

But he kept dwelling on that, and even after I acknowledged that he was right several times, he started raising his voice, waving his hand around, saying, “YOU DON’T GET THE TIRES ALIGNED, RUBY! (BLAH BLAH BLAH).”

 

I said, “Dad, why are you raising your voice at me? I don’t know anything about cars, that’s not the point of what I’m saying, and this doesn’t matter.”

 

He said something like, “I’M NOT RAISING MY VOICE,” and then, “THAT’S JUST THE WAY I AM!”

 

I said, “Well, I’ve never heard you talk to John (I’ll call him that, his deadbeat friend who’s always around leeching off him and manipulating him) that way. You’re sweet and gracious with him and talk to him like he’s your best friend.”

 

He said, “You can’t compare the way I talk to you and him. I talk to your mother the same way I talk to you.”

 

I said, “Yeah, and I don’t understand why you treat us in such a hostile way, when you’re so nice to this guy and some other people.”

 

He just kept getting riled up, cussing, saying, “You always come here and do this, complaining about the way I talk to you and treat you!! You complained about me not thanking you for the work you did on the house! It’s always something with you.”

 

I said, “Yes, because I worked hard and it hurt my feelings that you never thanked me, and I wanted to let you know that. I did all that work because I care about you.”

 

He said, “You should care about me. I’m your dad.”

 

I said, “And you should care about me. I’m your daughter. When you talk to me that way, it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”

 

He kept going on, ranting and raving, and said he was just going to leave. I was feeling the emotions heating up in my chest, but I hung through it and didn’t waver.

 

I said, “All right. Your daughter is trying to talk to you calmly, and you’re yelling and leaving the room.”

 

He left the room and went outside to tinker with one of his going-nowhere projects, and then my mom and I talked about it. I asked her if she notices the same thing I do, that he’s so sweet and gracious with his friend, yet sometimes mean and hostile toward me and her. That he treats this guy like a glowing angel, and me and mom like dirt. I said there are other people he treats like angels, too, like my sister who is his favorite. And other people he treats badly. Mom told me that he and another sister of mine (the one he whipped until she was bleeding) “get into it like that," too.

 

I told her that I wasn’t able to defend myself against his meanness as a kid, but now I’m strong and respect myself a lot more, and I won’t let him treat me like that. I took charge of making an appointment for him the other day for an eye infection that was getting worse, went and got his medicine, and put the drops in his eyes last night. He didn’t thank me for any of that, whereas I’ve heard him express ample gratitude to his deadbeat friend and some other people. He shows appreciation and love to the people who are leeching off him and manipulating his resources out of him, and is hostile toward his daughter and wife who genuinely love him and do good things to help him.

 

I told Mom that if he and I can’t get along, I’ll just have a relationship with her. I’ll get my own place, make it nice, get a nurse to come sit with him for the day sometimes, and she can come visit me and get away from him. She said, “Well, that sounds nice.”

 

I felt emotional during the conversation, but I stood my ground. I felt strong and courageous. I felt that I have come so far, and while I want to make peace with him for the good of us both, I don’t need his approval or understanding anymore. I felt the emotions bubbling up, my chest was getting hot, and my lip was quivering a little. At times I felt that I was going to start crying. Next time I won’t try so hard to hold it in. I’ll let him see me cry, see the pain that his meanness causes me.

 

He came back into the house in about 5 minutes, and I was in the kitchen getting my cat’s breakfast ready. He didn’t say anything, but the energy in the room was like the calm after a short storm. I think it’s promising that he didn’t disappear for very long. He ran away, but came right back. He didn’t pick up the conversation, but maybe he will later. We are both Cancers who tend to retreat into our safe, protective crab shell when hurt It used to be me who ran away. But I’m not running away anymore.

 

From here, this could go one of a few ways:

 

1. We’ll keep having altercations, he’ll drive me away, and I’ll get my own place. I’m prepared to do this tomorrow if I need to, and I’m not daunted by it.
   
2. We’ll coexist in this house as long as I’m here, but avoid each other.
   
3. We’ll keep communicating and make some progress.
   

 

I believe it’s going to be #3, but I’m not attached to any of these possible outcomes. I’m doing my part by being calm, fair, open, honest, and strong, and that’s all I can do. If he’s not willing to improve on his side, there’s nothing I can do about that. In that case, I will leave and probably feel sad about it, but I think I’ll leave with a sense of peace that I really tried and there’s nothing more I can do. If I do leave, I will have a conversation with him and tell him exactly why. If he wants to yell and scream at me as I go, that's up to him. I'll stay close to my mom at least for a while, as I’m really enjoying spending some time with her and that is obviously healing for both of us.

 

I didn’t bring it up or try to pick a fight. I just calmly told him how the way he was talking to me so harshly makes me feel. There’s no way I’m going to help or be near someone who treats me that way, so if he can’t learn to treat me with respect, I’ll make my exit, and continue to be here for my mom.

 

I feel really good that I expressed my feelings to him. I believe this is what they call cathartic. I felt the emotions bubbling up from my stomach into my chest and heart, warming to a simmer. But this time, instead of suppressing them, I expressed them out of me. My heart was pumping a little faster. Right now, my heart feels as though it just got a small workout, but in a healthy way. Like I just did 10 pushups after not having done them for a long time. It’s a bit sore, but the good sore. And I feel that I am building a muscle here.

[thekid36]

I really appreciate the encouragement and acknowledgement. There's not really anyone in my life right now aside from my counselor who fully appreciates the magnitude of all this and gives me positive reinforcement for the progress. I get small bits of it here and there, and I could get more if I explained things to my friends more thoroughly and asked for it. But it's nice not to have to ask. So I really appreciate it

 

I had my first altercation with my dad today since I got here.

 

We were sitting in the living room this morning having coffee. I started talking to my dad about some car work that my dad-like friend recently had done, initiating conversation and trying to relate to him, choosing a subject I know he’s interested in. Most of the time, I initiate any conversation or communication with my dad. He has approached me a few times lately, but mostly it’s me doing the approaching.

 

He started nitpicking this one detail of what I was saying, and I said, “OK, that’s fine. I don’t know much about cars - but my point was (blah blah).”

 

But he kept dwelling on that, and even after I acknowledged that he was right several times, he started raising his voice, waving his hand around, saying, “YOU DON’T GET THE TIRES ALIGNED, RUBY! (BLAH BLAH BLAH).”

 

I said, “Dad, why are you raising your voice at me? I don’t know anything about cars, that’s not the point of what I’m saying, and this doesn’t matter.”

 

He said something like, “I’M NOT RAISING MY VOICE,” and then, “THAT’S JUST THE WAY I AM!”

 

I said, “Well, I’ve never heard you talk to John (I’ll call him that, his deadbeat friend who’s always around leeching off him and manipulating him) that way. You’re sweet and gracious with him and talk to him like he’s your best friend.”

 

He said, “You can’t compare the way I talk to you and him. I talk to your mother the same way I talk to you.”

 

I said, “Yeah, and I don’t understand why you treat us in such a hostile way, when you’re so nice to this guy and some other people.”

 

He just kept getting riled up, cussing, saying, “You always come here and do this, complaining about the way I talk to you and treat you!! You complained about me not thanking you for the work you did on the house! It’s always something with you.”

 

I said, “Yes, because I worked hard and it hurt my feelings that you never thanked me, and I wanted to let you know that. I did all that work because I care about you.”

 

He said, “You should care about me. I’m your dad.”

 

I said, “And you should care about me. I’m your daughter. When you talk to me that way, it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”

 

He kept going on, ranting and raving, and said he was just going to leave. I was feeling the emotions heating up in my chest, but I hung through it and didn’t waver.

 

I said, “All right. Your daughter is trying to talk to you calmly, and you’re yelling and leaving the room.”

 

He left the room and went outside to tinker with one of his going-nowhere projects, and then my mom and I talked about it. I asked her if she notices the same thing I do, that he’s so sweet and gracious with his friend, yet sometimes mean and hostile toward me and her. That he treats this guy like a glowing angel, and me and mom like dirt. I said there are other people he treats like angels, too, like my sister who is his favorite. And other people he treats badly. Mom told me that he and another sister of mine (the one he whipped until she was bleeding) “get into it like that," too.

 

I told her that I wasn’t able to defend myself against his meanness as a kid, but now I’m strong and respect myself a lot more, and I won’t let him treat me like that. I took charge of making an appointment for him the other day for an eye infection that was getting worse, went and got his medicine, and put the drops in his eyes last night. He didn’t thank me for any of that, whereas I’ve heard him express ample gratitude to his deadbeat friend and some other people. He shows appreciation and love to the people who are leeching off him and manipulating his resources out of him, and is hostile toward his daughter and wife who genuinely love him and do good things to help him.

 

I told Mom that if he and I can’t get along, I’ll just have a relationship with her. I’ll get my own place, make it nice, get a nurse to come sit with him for the day sometimes, and she can come visit me and get away from him. She said, “Well, that sounds nice.”

 

I felt emotional during the conversation, but I stood my ground. I felt strong and courageous. I felt that I have come so far, and while I want to make peace with him for the good of us both, I don’t need his approval or understanding anymore. I felt the emotions bubbling up, my chest was getting hot, and my lip was quivering a little. At times I felt that I was going to start crying. Next time I won’t try so hard to hold it in. I’ll let him see me cry, see the pain that his meanness causes me.

 

He came back into the house in about 5 minutes, and I was in the kitchen getting my cat’s breakfast ready. He didn’t say anything, but the energy in the room was like the calm after a short storm. I think it’s promising that he didn’t disappear for very long. He ran away, but came right back. He didn’t pick up the conversation, but maybe he will later. We are both Cancers who tend to retreat into our safe, protective crab shell when hurt It used to be me who ran away. But I’m not running away anymore.

 

From here, this could go one of a few ways:

 

1. We’ll keep having altercations, he’ll drive me away, and I’ll get my own place. I’m prepared to do this tomorrow if I need to, and I’m not daunted by it.
   
2. We’ll coexist in this house as long as I’m here, but avoid each other.
   
3. We’ll keep communicating and make some progress.
   

 

I believe it’s going to be #3, but I’m not attached to any of these possible outcomes. I’m doing my part by being calm, fair, open, honest, and strong, and that’s all I can do. If he’s not willing to improve on his side, there’s nothing I can do about that. In that case, I will leave and probably feel sad about it, but I think I’ll leave with a sense of peace that I really tried and there’s nothing more I can do. If I do leave, I will have a conversation with him and tell him exactly why. If he wants to yell and scream at me as I go, that's up to him. I'll stay close to my mom at least for a while, as I’m really enjoying spending some time with her and that is obviously healing for both of us.

 

I didn’t bring it up or try to pick a fight. I just calmly told him how the way he was talking to me so harshly makes me feel. There’s no way I’m going to help or be near someone who treats me that way, so if he can’t learn to treat me with respect, I’ll make my exit, and continue to be here for my mom.

 

I feel really good that I expressed my feelings to him. I believe this is what they call cathartic. I felt the emotions bubbling up from my stomach into my chest and heart, warming to a simmer. But this time, instead of suppressing them, I expressed them out of me. My heart was pumping a little faster. Right now, my heart feels as though it just got a small workout, but in a healthy way. Like I just did 10 pushups after not having done them for a long time. It’s a bit sore, but the good sore. And I feel that I am building a muscle here.

 

There is just so much that is going on here. So much I really want to respond to. Mind you, I wrote an original reply on the boards and when I went to it post, it was erased! I do remember what I did say and am about to write this one more time. Because, this is worth a moment or two of my time.

 

First, it is sad that you are the one who usually has to initiate the contact with your dad. It says a lot when he brought up the fact that he is your father. As if a child should be eternally grateful that a parent acknowledges him/her for a mere moment. What a complete crock of crap! Still, starting the conversations with him is what is most likely going to get more responses on your end. My aunt and uncle were very much like this.

 

As to his actions today. I was worried that at one point that he was going to act like this. Based on all of the anger he has inside of him. So much he is perhaps not even aware of. None of it that you can take personally.

 

Now, as to your own reactions. I thought that I could not get any happier after the United States going through to the next round. Boy, was I wrong! You had every right to wonder why he treats basic strangers better than you. All the reason to question why he felt the need to raise his voice. Every right to express how hurt you are based on his own ignorance of how helpful you have tried to be.

 

Also, you had every right to suggest to your mom that if he continues to act like this, that you will have to leave the house while staying involved within her life. It is great that you separate both of your parents as separate individuals. Even while they remain together as a couple.

 

This is a man set on his ways. That is why he suggests being the way he is. Almost as if trying to justify all of his own shortcomings. This is almost like some sort of defense mechanism. He feels threatened when having to admit that he is wrong. That is why he most likely walked out after your mother said what she did.

 

You are definitely no longer a little girl. You are a strong and sincere woman. Your emotions and feelings should mean the world to anyone who cares about you. This includes your parents. Love should be unconditional and unequivocal. Sad that your dad did not respond differently. Shame on anyone who treats you differently just because he/she does not agree all the time.

 

You definitely seem to have come back home to help your parents as much as is possible. Still, one of the main reasons seems to be getting the closure you have never really had. You are well on your way. No matter what happens going forward. You will never have to sit around and wonder what else you could have done. This will be very beneficial for you while continuing to move forward!

[turnera]

You more you do this, the easier it will get and the more likely he is to finally hear it. Don't give up.

[Trimmer]

There is just so much that is going on here. So much I really want to respond to. Mind you, I wrote an original reply on the boards and when I went to it post, it was erased!

Side note: When I write a long post, I've gotten into the habit of selecting all my text (quotes and everything) and hitting "Ctrl-C" (on a windows machine) to copy it onto my computer's clipboard. This way, if something goes haywire on the LS site and it drops my post, I can just get back to a reply screen and paste it back in. It's saved me a number of times, usually because if I spend a long time composing a particular post, the system may have logged me out, and it usually posts correctly after the "log back in" screen, but sometimes not. There's little more infuriating than composing a long (supposedly) thoughtful reply and having it dumped!

 

Ruby - nice job! Gotta run, more later...

[Ruby Slippers]

My dad approached me today and apologized, sincerely. It was gruff and delivered with his usual gravelly tone, but it was sincere. I thanked him, told him it means a lot to me that he apologized, said I love you, and he said I love you, too.

 

That's the power of love!!!

 

I wanted to hug him, but he scurried away pretty fast. I don't think he can handle that much love at once, and that's OK

[thekid36]

My dad approached me today and apologized, sincerely. It was gruff and delivered with his usual gravelly tone, but it was sincere. I thanked him, told him it means a lot to me that he apologized, said I love you, and he said I love you, too.

 

That's the power of love!!!

 

I wanted to hug him, but he scurried away pretty fast. I don't think he can handle that much love at once, and that's OK

 

Hi, Ruby! I have made many mistakes in my own life and am very sincerely sorry for all of them. This is why life is just one big learning experience!

 

I am actually rather impressed that he seems to have done this of his own volition. Perhaps, the time he was away from you yesterday helped him to reflect a little. Self analysis is not usually a horrible thing.

 

One thing I had to learn the hard way is that all of us deal with things differently. When there is a problem, I usually want to talk it out so as to try solving it right away. Not all of us are like that. Some souls need just a little space so as to try to process a response. Perhaps, your own Dad is one of those.

 

As long as we can recognize our wrongs, that is what is most important. I think this gesture of his is more than you are used to! I continue to be hopeful that you will find all that you have been looking for. Should that happen, I may not stop smiling for awhile.

[Trimmer]

I am actually rather impressed that he seems to have done this of his own volition. Perhaps, the time he was away from you yesterday helped him to reflect a little. Self analysis is not usually a horrible thing.

Yeah, credit where it's due - this must have been hard for him, and it seems to be a real indicator that he wants to reach out and connect with you to the degree that he is emotionally able.

 

I thanked him, told him it means a lot to me that he apologized, said I love you, and he said I love you, too.

 

That's the power of love!!!

I think there are two important things going on here that I hope will help keep the situation moving generally forward. The first is "saving face". You didn't stuff his nose in it, do a victory lap, or anything like that. I know that to some of us (and certainly you, too) that seems obvious, but sometimes people get so into needing the victory that even subconsciously, they will make the other person pay, once they have them in a weakened position.

 

By allowing him to come to you and say what he did, and come out of it without feeling like he was beaten, or that he lost somehow, you make it safe for him to reach out in this way again in the future.

 

The other thing you did - also obvious, probably - was to reward him with positive feedback. This is something that I've been thinking about as it relates to your scenario, and partly why I was concerned with your original thoughts about possibly just "speaking your piece" even if it didn't go well, just to get it off your chest.

 

What happened here is that he was able to reach out, you didn't claim victory and beat him up (the saving face part), and you rewarded him, which tells him that not only is he safe reaching out to you emotionally, but that there are emotional rewards to be had by building that connection to you.

 

I don't mean to make it sound so much like you are tossing a dog biscuit into his mouth for doing a trick correctly, but as you move forward, I think it's OK to gradually become more forward and specific in telling him stuff like "I'm glad we're talking like this, it makes me feel closer to you..." that kind of thing - if you think he can handle it.

 

I think you'll get farther with a forward moving, positive reinforcement approach like that, than to try to rehash and redress old grievances. At least at first...

Edited June 28, 2014 by Trimmer

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you for the insightful comments. Things are going pretty well.

 

I spoke with one of my oldest friends the other day, and she had some excellent advice on how to communicate with my dad. She said she thinks he has very poor self-esteem, and what he needs most right now is to feel that he's important, that he matters, and that I respect him. She said he's probably very intimidated by me and it's going to take a great deal of humility, praise, and validation to help reassure him and build up a sense of trust in him.

 

She said he likely behaves this way when he gets scared, and it's a defense mechanism he's been using since childhood. She said what he's probably afraid of is that he's a failure, and me pointing out any shortcoming on his part, even as small as raising his voice at me, makes him feel disproportionately bad about himself. She said he's probably been beating himself up about never thanking me for the work on the house since I mentioned it. He complained about me voicing my feelings because his ego is so fragile he can hardly stand it. So she gave me some tips on how to speak to him, recognize him, validate him so that he feels safe to be open with me. I am evolving to a very gentle, compassionate approach with him, and he's responding well to that. It's not about being right - at this point, it's about creating an atmosphere of love and good energy, which I am doing well.

 

I think she was spot on. My dad has continued a discussion of our tiff the other day, but now he seems to be stuck in this loop of trying to save face. The day after he apologized, he told me not to raise my voice at my mom (though it was she who had raised her voice at me), and said he had to "get me back" for the disagreement a few days before. Then today during a deep discussion with me that he initiated, he said he didn't have to apologize to me. I said, "No, you didn't, but I really appreciated that you did. It was very gracious of you." That seemed to make him happy.

 

I tried to engage him in some father-daughter time, inviting him to the hardware store to help me with a little project, or to the car museum. He declined, saying he's not feeling very well yet, maybe later. (But he invests a lot of energy in these going-nowhere projects that he and his sad friends are working on, as well as enabling my brother.)

 

One of his friends who lives a few houses down came by today. This man is a preacher whose dad was also a preacher - the dad let us ride our bikes in his really big circle driveway and play on his big brick entryway to the property when I was a kid. We spent hours riding bikes and playing in his yard. So this guy tells me he saw me laying out in the yard and playing in the sprinkler the other day (loving the blazing Southern heat!!), he has a swimming pool, and I'm welcome to come over and go swimming anytime. I have been looking for a pool!! But I'm not sure if I should take him up on that, because he was flirting a little, and though he seems like a really interesting guy, he's old enough to be my father.

 

This is one of the few friends of my dad that I've met who projected a very good, positive energy. He seems to be the kind of person who doesn't let anything get him down. He introduced himself to me warmly, we talked, and then we had an interesting conversation in private in the kitchen. He knows why I'm here, he sees what I'm doing, and he seems to support it fully. I asked him about some of my dad's friends who have given me a bad impression, and he confirmed that all of them are using him. He commented that no one cares about my parents, no one is doing anything to help them, and I explained that's because my dad has driven us away with the way he's treated us. But in spite of all the problems, we were close when I was little, and I've always felt a strong yearning to heal our strained relationship, and in fact feel that I must do so to take the next big leap in life. He said my dad knows how badly he has damaged his relationship with me and has discussed his failures with him in private discussions. I asked for more details, but he said, "That's just conversation between men."

 

My dad owns a big piece of property a few miles from the house, and he's letting several deadbeats who are friends of my brother's live there right now. I visited there the other day to get a read on the situation, and I went to pet these two horses that were in a field adjacent to the property. One of them came up to me immediately, and I got the strong feeling that he was wordlessly asking me for help. He turned his face to the side and showed me this skin irritation/infection. I could also see that his eyes appeared to be infected. I told him I'd try to get help for him. But the preacher advised me to stay away from that place, because those people are leeches and bad guys who will only drag me down, and getting involved with them in any way is a bad idea, especially as an attractive woman. He said the horse was almost dead a while ago, but has gotten a lot better. I said I would take his advice to stay away, but I hope someone helps that horse, because he's an innocent creature who doesn't deserve to suffer.

 

This preacher asked me some questions, and told me about some of his life's work. He's traveled a lot and built churches in various countries, done a lot of humanitarian work. He just glows with this bright light of good energy. I feel he is a kindred soul. He told me about a few people he knows who might be able to help with some of the next steps I need to take for my business. He said, "God sent you here," and I told him I agree. I'm not religious, used to define myself as agnostic, but I'm very spiritual and in tune, intuitive, and have been developing that part of myself recently, with pretty profound results.

 

We talked for about 20 minutes, and several times, I got these intense electric currents/tingles all up and down my body. I told him I was getting chills, and he said, "Good." I felt a strong connection with this guy. I could feel that he was attracted to me, and he was flirting. He gave me his information for his ministry web site, his construction company (like my dad, he built his own home), and phone number, and said he's here to help with anything I need.

 

After he left, both my mom and dad told me to be careful because he's looking for a wife. I asked if they were warning me against him for some reason, and they said no. Then my dad told me that when he was leaving and they were talking outside, he said, "Your daughter is beautiful", my dad said, "That's our baby girl", and the preacher said, "Maybe I'll be your son-in-law someday." !!! I said that's sweet, but he's too old for me. But I must admit I find myself wishing he were closer to my age, in a similar life stage. It would be nice if we could at least be friendly and have some more good conversations, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. He had that light in his eyes, gave me the impression he was intrigued at first sight.

 

My dad and I had some of the deepest conversation we've had in years this evening, at his initiation. He talked about a mistake he thought I made in my later teen years, and I carefully explained that I made the mistake because of lack of love at home. He said, "I know that. I know the whole situation, Ruby, even if you don't say a word about it."

 

I told him I'd like to help bring a little life back to the place, get things cleaned up, then invite his kids and grandkids over for a barbecue or similar. My parents need a lot of love around them now, to help chase away these vermin and leeches who are taking advantage of them. I'm doing my best so far, but eventually I'm going to need reinforcements. I'm beginning to suggest to my dad that I think most of his "friends" are taking advantage of him, and though he seems pained to consider I might be right, he is listening.

 

He said none of his kids but me ever comes around, and I said I think they will if we can make the place a little more inviting. I told him that one of my sisters has similar dynamics with him and has talked to me about the pain of that many times, obviously because she needs to resolve those emotional injuries as well. He said another sister of mine (his favorite) never has time to visit. But I said I think I can convince them to come over and visit. He really needs it right now.

 

I'm putting a lot of good energy into helping my parents, and I feel good about that. I'm also taking care of myself. Today I got back on the tennis court for the first time since I moved, got a great workout, and ran some errands that were mostly for things I needed.

 

I feel this powerful energy driving me right now. I'm just on fire, and it feels really healthy and good. I'm so active, doing so much, that I can see my body transforming quickly - I'm getting in great shape and feeling stronger and more powerful by the day. I went around today and took before pictures all over the house. I'm looking forward to seeing the transformation that some real love and light brings.

[Emilia]

I'm putting a lot of good energy into helping my parents, and I feel good about that. I'm also taking care of myself. Today I got back on the tennis court for the first time since I moved, got a great workout, and ran some errands that were mostly for things I needed.

 

I feel this powerful energy driving me right now. I'm just on fire, and it feels really healthy and good. I'm so active, doing so much, that I can see my body transforming quickly - I'm getting in great shape and feeling stronger and more powerful by the day. I went around today and took before pictures all over the house. I'm looking forward to seeing the transformation that some real love and light brings.

I think it would benefit you much better long term if you drew the line here Ruby, acknowledged that you were able to successfully resolve this conflict with your father but at the same time also accepted the fact that he is controlling, that he will always want things on his terms and that he will never change.

 

I see the same determination in this thread that drove your other one about a boyfriend a few months ago. Trying to fix someone, hoping that he will change, that he will be mallable enough to be the person you think he should be. Getting too involved, going beyond what is good for you, ignoring your own boundaries.

 

Your father will not change, your relationship can get better but I think it's important to know when to walk away before this turns into a powerstruggle (it will). It wouldn't mean cutting things off at all, just accepting healthy boundaries. Accepting how he is.That he will not change and manage what you have.

 

I think what you are describing here is bordering on codependence.

[Trimmer]

I am evolving to a very gentle, compassionate approach with him, and he's responding well to that. It's not about being right - at this point, it's about creating an atmosphere of love and good energy, which I am doing well.

Yes, yes! I'm going to sound like I'm BSing, but this is the kind of thing I have been thinking of about your situation. It will probably remain too sensitive for you to start bringing up the old hurts very directly, but if you can just take little steps, working on support and positive reinforcement, you may ease his defenses, and help him be comfortable enough to open up more and more.

 

I think she was spot on. My dad has continued a discussion of our tiff the other day, but now he seems to be stuck in this loop of trying to save face. The day after he apologized, he told me not to raise my voice at my mom (though it was she who had raised her voice at me), and said he had to "get me back" for the disagreement a few days before. Then today during a deep discussion with me that he initiated, he said he didn't have to apologize to me. I said, "No, you didn't, but I really appreciated that you did. It was very gracious of you." That seemed to make him happy.

See, I think it's incredibly wise on your part not to have made this a power struggle. You might easily have thought that he did owe you an apology (and you might have been quite well justified to feel that way) but if you had insisted on having that struggle, you would likely have ended up worse off. By taking the generous path, you acknowledged and validated him, and gave him a small victory that didn't have to be a "win" that required someone else to lose.

 

I tried to engage him in some father-daughter time, inviting him to the hardware store to help me with a little project, or to the car museum. He declined, saying he's not feeling very well yet, maybe later. (But he invests a lot of energy in these going-nowhere projects that he and his sad friends are working on, as well as enabling my brother.)

It must be hard to see this happening, yet to have him turn you down. Don't take it personally (even though I'm sure that's nearly impossible!) But trust in your gentle, incremental, positive process. Who knows, maybe there is some reason, deep down, that he can't do this with you yet - maybe it's somewhere down under the layers and you don't really understand it yet, but it will be revealed in time.

 

Continue to work your gentle forward progress, and trust in the validity of that approach, and keep your hope up that you will gradually work down through those layers.

 

No comment on the preacher with an eye for you... I'd likely feel the same way about you - you are probably radiating hope and positive energy at the moment, and in your current environment, that's like a searchlight beaming out on a dark night. Don't take on too many projects at once, ha ha!

[Ruby Slippers]

Emilia, I appreciate the reminder about maintaining good boundaries, but I don't think I have codependent relationship with either of my parents, and am not at risk of that. My parents' relationship is codependent, as is my dad's relationship with my addict brother, and probably his relationship with his user friends. He has not yet succeeded at nurturing healthy love in his life, and the dysfunctional circle of friends is the closest thing he has managed to create thus far. But I think there's hope for him.

 

I'm not trying to fix my dad. I'm trying to do my part to heal our relationship and help them heal themselves - and the early response has been very promising. Every single thing I'm doing here is healing to me as well. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't.

 

My dad is changing. It's remarkable that he apologized to me for the first time in as long as I can remember for something he did to hurt me. It's remarkable that he's initiating meaningful conversation with me about our strained relationship over the years. The message I'm getting from him lately is: "I know I've messed up, but I don't know if I can ever be the dad you would like me to be." That's more than half the battle, because he doesn't have to change for me to find peace. I'm finding it now, just with these little messages and clues.

 

He's also beginning to show emotional vulnerability with me, something he has NEVER EVER done. When I suggested that we make the place more inviting and starting having barbecues for the family, he said they never come around and he doesn't think they will. He's scared he's done too much damage that it can't be repaired. But that's not true. His kids all love him, and I know that one of my sisters has struggled with the same problems I have, and has been searching for resolution for years. Every time I visit, she wants to talk to me about where I'm at with all this, and I can tell it's partly because she cares about me, and partly because she's seeking healing for herself. I'll be very happy to see my dad and mom surrounded by loving family again, instead of these seedy users. They will come around, if the place is more inviting and the deadbeats stop coming around. And I know it will be good for my siblings as well, if they're ready for it.

 

Right now, my parents are like two lonely, scared, self-protective animals who have been struggling in the wild on their own. To a lesser degree, I've been doing the same my whole adult life. They're not sure if they can trust me emotionally, they're probably not sure if I'm just going to take off to some far-flung place again. But they know I'm a free agent and will do what's best for me.

 

I don't have to help them. They have never once asked for my help. Everything I'm doing I've offered. Keep in mind that I'm living with them rent-free at the moment, so helping out a little is the least I can do. However it goes from here, I can move forward with my life knowing that I did my best, and I won't have to carry this heavy chain of sadness around anymore. It's healing for all of us, and I believe that eventually, it will be healing for the rest of the family, too.

Edited June 30, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[Ruby Slippers]

This is just a note to self to be careful with the preacher. He's VERY smart, VERY charming, and way too old for me! He's also luring me with that damned pool in this heat and now his motorcycle! He came by today when I was working in the yard, and we stood there and talked for like 4 hours. I kept getting those tingles all over my body again every 20 minutes or so!!! He asked for my number but I said no, he can just come visit. He also has a sketchy backstory that my parents told me. Another one! I think if I talk to him more, it will only be here at my parents' house. He's too persuasive and knows my weak spots too well because he knows my dad. We can still have our trippy interesting conversations in their house! I will find another pool!

[Ruby Slippers]

Things are going very well. Business is going strong and I feel very in the zone.

 

My parents are gradually softening, and though they're not good at expressing gratitude, I can tell they're both very relieved I'm here and helping. When I arrived, I immediately noticed how harshly they were speaking to each other and me. Now, they're both softening and being nicer.

 

The preacher has been assertively pursuing time with me, and we've been getting acquainted. I've made it clear I just want to be friends, and though he still flirts, he said he can accept that, and is just happy to know me.

 

He obviously cares a lot about my parents and has done a lot to help them. He said that helping my dad let go of his fears and let love in his heart is going to be a process, and he gave a good analogy to talk about how we can work together to do it. He said if you want to teach a baby elephant to walk straight, you put one big elephant on the left and one big elephant on the right - then the baby elephant will walk straight between them. He said he'll be one big elephant, I'll be the other, and my dad can learn to walk between us.

 

The magic is already happening. This morning, my dad said the preacher told him he really raised me right, and he looked proud. I said they did a good job, reinforcing his feelings of esteem and respect. Then one of the men who knows the guy who takes care of the sick horse came over, and I talked to him about the horse, asked if that man would be open to doctoring the horse if I find out how to treat him and send over the medicine and instructions. He said maybe. It's worth a shot. I just happen to have a very sweet client who works for a vet that treats farm animals as well as companion animals, so I'll send her pictures of the horse's face and ask for some advice.

 

My dad said, "You just got here and you're doing all kinds of good." (Finally, a little acknowledgement!)

 

I've started getting involved a little in his care, learning more about his health issues and medications, and he's receptive to my suggestions. Today I got him doing his stretches for his knee, and I'm working on my mom to start checking and recording her blood pressure daily. My dad was complaining about all the medications he takes, and I told him I can probably help advise him on which ones he can stop taking.

 

The preacher invited me and my parents over this afternoon to have burgers and go swimming, and I'm going to meet with a friend of his who he says might want to hire me for a project.

 

One of my nieces dropped by the other day with her son, and another sister mentioned she might come by. Once I get together with them, I don't think I'll have any problem getting them to start visiting more and bringing more good energy into the house.

 

I knew this was going to be a magical time, but I didn't know it was going to be this easy. I'm working very hard across the board, but I feel I'm driven by lots of love and light, so it all feels like a breeze. And things are falling into place with my business. The preacher has already mentioned some possibilities for cheap office space, and mentioned a friend of his who has money, is looking for investment opportunities, and will possibly invest if I can come up with a solid financial plan - which I'm working on. Whether he helps or it's someone else, it's going to happen. I'm being cautious about everything, carefully weighing all my options and making sure anything I do is smart and good for me.

 

I have a new feeling of confidence that all my big dreams are going to come true. I'm definitely on the right track

[Trimmer]

The preacher has been assertively pursuing time with me, and we've been getting acquainted. I've made it clear I just want to be friends, and though he still flirts, he said he can accept that, and is just happy to know me.

Ha ha... if he's a typical male, he still wants to boff you, though. Just sayin'.

 

He said he'll be one big elephant, I'll be the other...

In this analogy, is he the boy elephant, and you're the girl elephant, by any chance? (Sorry, I just can't help poking a little fun...)

 

I've started getting involved a little in his care, learning more about his health issues and medications, and he's receptive to my suggestions. Today I got him doing his stretches for his knee, and I'm working on my mom to start checking and recording her blood pressure daily. My dad was complaining about all the medications he takes, and I told him I can probably help advise him on which ones he can stop taking.

Just make sure you're keeping his doctor(s) in the discussion on these decisions, yes?

 

I knew this was going to be a magical time, but I didn't know it was going to be this easy.

Hmm... I think this is the time when my instincts would be tingling, like "It's just a little to quiet around here..." Seriously, I hope it all continues moving forward, but keep your eyes open and know where your boundaries are, OK?

 

I have a new feeling of confidence that all my big dreams are going to come true. I'm definitely on the right track

That's cool - it sounds like things are happening!

[Ruby Slippers]

Hey, Trimmer. No, I wouldn't change anything in my dad's medication arsenal without discussing it with his doctor. I think he's taking some stuff to treat symptoms of problems that have emotional and lifestyle roots, rather than physical. Same for my mom. She never took anything until recently, when she started taking blood pressure medication - no doubt to manage the ongoing stress of dealing with all these users my dad has let into their lives. But things are progressing there as well.

 

Today the preacher introduced me to a man he said I have to meet, because we have a lot in common, and he thinks I might be able to help him with a start-up business idea. And yep, it was another instant connection. We met at the preacher's house, got to know each other through excellent conversation, had dinner, and went swimming. I could tell he liked me and was attracted to me immediately, and I felt it, too. He gradually started flirting, and I was more receptive to his flirting because he seems more like a real prospect. Five years older, very handsome, smart, sexy, strong and masculine, deep, resonant voice, expressive, spiritual, savvy, funny, a gentleman, and my zodiac opposite, Capricorn I held each of their hands while the preacher said grace before dinner, and it was such a great prayer. And I adored the strong, masculine grips. I feel very girly around both of these guys - they totally bring out my sweetness and sensitivity. We were all laughing and having a merry old time through the prayer. It was a trip. The preacher approved of our connection and was happy to have brought us together. He left us alone several times to talk for a while, and the time talking to him just flew by. I noticed he kept drifting close to me throughout the evening. He kept getting closer in the pool, until I told him I had to swim away before he was sitting in my lap

 

He walked me home down my quiet country road in the moonlight, hugged me good night, and said he's definitely going to call me. And I hope he does. I'll take my time getting to know him, but he really turns me on. At the very least, yaaay, I have excellent fantasy material again

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, today is a beautiful day.

 

Until today, I've been initiating any "good morning" greetings and the like. But this morning, my dad gave me a cheerful "good morning", and so did my mom! Then I was talking to my dad about how quickly my financial picture is improving without rent and utility expenses, and said I wasn't sure how long I'd be staying with them, but soon I'll be able to pay rent and contribute to household expenses. He said, "We love having you here. You've done so much to help already." WOW! My dad just doesn't talk to me like that. He never really has.

 

Now I'm in the middle of helping him with a minor home repair project. He doesn't have much use of his hands anymore, but I told him I'll help with anything I can. I said one gift I don't have is being mechanically inclined, but I learn fast and can probably do most of what needs to be done around here if he'll just be patient in instructing me. His deadbeat friends sometimes do odd jobs for him, but they always take shortcuts and rarely do anything right. But I'm making sure things are getting done right, and making it as enjoyable as possible.

 

The preacher has given me an open invitation to use his pool anytime, and I'm going swimming again after work today. It's HOT, so this will be nice.

 

The ice is melting very fast around here, and I am happy

[thekid36]

Well, today is a beautiful day.

 

Until today, I've been initiating any "good morning" greetings and the like. But this morning, my dad gave me a cheerful "good morning", and so did my mom! Then I was talking to my dad about how quickly my financial picture is improving without rent and utility expenses, and said I wasn't sure how long I'd be staying with them, but soon I'll be able to pay rent and contribute to household expenses. He said, "We love having you here. You've done so much to help already." WOW! My dad just doesn't talk to me like that. He never really has.

 

Now I'm in the middle of helping him with a minor home repair project. He doesn't have much use of his hands anymore, but I told him I'll help with anything I can. I said one gift I don't have is being mechanically inclined, but I learn fast and can probably do most of what needs to be done around here if he'll just be patient in instructing me. His deadbeat friends sometimes do odd jobs for him, but they always take shortcuts and rarely do anything right. But I'm making sure things are getting done right, and making it as enjoyable as possible.

 

The preacher has given me an open invitation to use his pool anytime, and I'm going swimming again after work today. It's HOT, so this will be nice.

 

The ice is melting very fast around here, and I am happy

 

 

Sorry for being so late to respond. Life has been crazy on this end. Your new news definitely has me smiling. Perhaps, this will end up being one of the best decisions you have ever made.

[Trimmer]

Now I'm in the middle of helping him with a minor home repair project. He doesn't have much use of his hands anymore, but I told him I'll help with anything I can. I said one gift I don't have is being mechanically inclined, but I learn fast and can probably do most of what needs to be done around here if he'll just be patient in instructing me.

For some reason, this has touched me deeply - I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. Don't underestimate how deep an apparently simple home project like this might reach. This willingness to open to each other - "If you will teach, I will be the hands..." I don't know why it is striking me so, but it is.

 

He may not be the guy who can sit down and "talk about my emotions, blah blah blah..." and you may not (soon, anyway) get much specific, spoken closure or discussion of issues of the past. But you are slowly, gradually exchanging these little gifts, and this may be the best way that he has of opening himself to you, of sharing something intimate, of allowing and inviting a bond.

 

For all the things you knew him to be: proud, closed off, angry, bitter - whatever your list of descriptors and your perceptions and impressions - for him to allow you to care for him, for him to admit that he needs help, these are truly intimate moments, and his allowing himself to reveal that to you seems like a real gift.

 

I hope you will both be able to continue to nurture each other and the new relationship that you are forging.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you, Trimmer. I've heard more than one of these deadbeats crow like a rooster, "I'll be your hands for you, Mr. Slippers," only to sneak around and steal from a man who's done nothing but help them, while he's old and disabled and they are young and able-bodied. Losers! It fills me with the cold fury of a lioness.

 

The preacher told me that someday, I'll be the lady of the house, the one greeting anyone at the door and giving or denying them permission to enter this home. He said that will be a good day, because finally the wolves in sheep's clothing will hit a wall and have to seek a different target to exploit.

 

Last night after digging around in the garage for tools and reassuring my dad again that I'll help him get everything organized beautifully and we'll turn this workshop into a buzzing workspace with lots of cool projects going on, he said, "You're really a dreamer, aren't you?"

 

I said, "Absolutely! I have been all my life. And I'm willing to do the hard work to bring my dreams to life."

 

He said, "I guess I'm a dreamer, too, but lost my way on some of them."

 

I said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm here now. We'll get it all done. It will take time, but we'll go step by step, and I think you'll be amazed by how much we can get done if we work together."

 

Whereas up to now he's mostly denied the potential out of fear and doubt, this time he didn't argue

[Ruby Slippers]

I took charge of finishing the half-complete job this morning. We got stalled a few times because my dad's garage is chaotic and it took a long time to find simple tools at several stages. But all the while, he's telling me he really wants to clean it up, and I'm telling him I'm good at organizing and will help. I used a small power saw today - a first for me ever!

 

He was patient with his instruction, and the one time he raised his voice a little, he immediately pulled back and said, "I'm sorry for raising my voice. This can be frustrating for me because sometimes it's harder to explain what to do than to just do it. But I can't do it myself anymore." I was impressed, and said don't worry about it.

 

When we finished the job, he actually complimented me on a job well done. Again, not the kind of thing I've heard from my dad... ever?

 

Once we got inside, he bragged to my mom that I had fixed the problem. And I said we fixed it, and I couldn't have done it without his instruction (true).

 

It will be fun to see what project he cooks up for me next. I have a feeling I'm going to be doing some advanced stuff before long. Which is cool - I've always wanted to learn this stuff, but it was never the right time and I had no tools. He's got about a million tools.

 

The handsome man has been calling me. We were going to try to get together today, but my 4th of July plans with family friends ended up going longer than expected. We'll probably get together soon. I'm not sure if he's a real prospect, because he seems to have some unsorted business in his life. But we have a magnetism between us, and he's smart and interesting, so I think at the least we can be friends who will challenge each other in good ways.

[turnera]

The cool thing about a child getting older is when they reach that stage where they start to think and act like an adult, too. That's when the 'second' relationship parents get with their kids happens. The kid realizes the parents had a different persona than the one they supposed all along, and the parent starts seeing a whole new person in their child, one they can interact with as two adults. It's a beautiful thing, if allowed to blossom.

[thekid36]

I took charge of finishing the half-complete job this morning. We got stalled a few times because my dad's garage is chaotic and it took a long time to find simple tools at several stages. But all the while, he's telling me he really wants to clean it up, and I'm telling him I'm good at organizing and will help. I used a small power saw today - a first for me ever!

 

He was patient with his instruction, and the one time he raised his voice a little, he immediately pulled back and said, "I'm sorry for raising my voice. This can be frustrating for me because sometimes it's harder to explain what to do than to just do it. But I can't do it myself anymore." I was impressed, and said don't worry about it.

 

When we finished the job, he actually complimented me on a job well done. Again, not the kind of thing I've heard from my dad... ever?

 

Once we got inside, he bragged to my mom that I had fixed the problem. And I said we fixed it, and I couldn't have done it without his instruction (true).

 

It will be fun to see what project he cooks up for me next. I have a feeling I'm going to be doing some advanced stuff before long. Which is cool - I've always wanted to learn this stuff, but it was never the right time and I had no tools. He's got about a million tools.

 

The handsome man has been calling me. We were going to try to get together today, but my 4th of July plans with family friends ended up going longer than expected. We'll probably get together soon. I'm not sure if he's a real prospect, because he seems to have some unsorted business in his life. But we have a magnetism between us, and he's smart and interesting, so I think at the least we can be friends who will challenge each other in good ways.

 

Hi, Ruby! I think that things seem to be going really well. Your dad sounds very appreciative and much more relaxed. Huge breakthrough that he recognized the voice raising! Perhaps deep down and underneath his rigid exterior, he really is rather surprised and sort of shocked that you have come back home to help out. Especially based on how passive your past relationship was. You may never get the kind of dad that you ultimately have always deserved. But, you may end up getting one who really respects you as a daughter. Not to mention that things sound sort of promising with this handsome lad who seems to have stolen your interest. It is good to surround yourself with those who stimulate you. No matter what comes of it, sounds as if it cannot help but be positive!

[Ruby Slippers]

Things just keep getting better. People keep warning me, "There will be bad days," and I'm sure that's true, but I just feel so resilient that I'm not concerned. I've been doing so much lifting and moving stuff around the past few weeks that I'm getting fit and strong again, and I feel like I'm powered by love and that goes a long way. It gives you that "lift a car off your baby" drive, and I don't even get tired.

 

The home improvement projects are continuing, and I'm already learning a lot about home construction, a subject that has always interested me. I've long dreamed of designing and building my own home, and now I'm living with an experienced builder and there's another one down the road. And my dad is being nice, and sweet! The old man is melting, and it's pretty adorable to see. His birthday is right around the corner, and I picked out a present and card for him with my mom today. I asked her if he likes sentimental or funny cards. "Sentimental." He is a sentimental fool and a dreamer just like me, under the hard, crusty shell. I think he's gonna love it.

 

I've been doing a little healing work, which he calls "nursing" - putting arnica on his swollen knee and making him ice packs, that kind of thing. My mom does this stuff sometimes, but in the past few years I think she's gotten worn down and doesn't do it much anymore. That stuff can make a big difference to a person's physical and emotional well-being, and it seems to be having a positive effect on him. He tells me he's been sleeping much better recently.

 

He has slowly begun talking to me about financial matters, and hinting that he wants some input. But when I shed any light on his self-defeating spending habits, including the way he enables and repeatedly bails out my brother, he gets very defensive and emotional. So then I back off completely, and he approaches me again later bringing up financial matters again. I've shifted my focus from the negative to the positive. Instead of commenting on what he should do differently, I ruminate about what they could do if they managed their money better, all the things we could fix up around here, nice things they could do. He is still defensive and emotional, but I can tell he's listening.

 

He's made several comments about me being "the authority" around here, calling me "ma'am". He obviously feels at times that I am challenging his authority as the man of the house, but I told him I'm no authority, the more I learn, the more I realize that I know nothing, and any opinions or suggestions I offer are made out of love, because I want them to thrive and be strong. I said he doesn't have to change anything - just give a little thought to whether any of my ideas could be helpful. When we putter around the garage finding tools for projects, I follow his slow and ambling lead.

 

I got the stuff to make small lemon icebox pies for some of the neighbors and friends - the ones I feel have good intentions and are not exploiting my parents' vulnerability. I'm enjoying spreading around lots of loving energy - it clearly is needed!

 

On the personal front, I'm losing interest in the guy the preacher introduced me to. My impression after a few conversations with him and the preacher is that he's kind of the gigolo type - very handsome, masculine, with the sexiest deep voice, and uses his appeal to be lazy. He's attracted a string of high-income women who were crazy about him and willing to do whatever to keep him, but of course he eventually loses interest in them. I like an assertive man who takes charge - the deadbeat energy doesn't do it for me. I'm glad it's clear now so I don't waste any time with him.

 

I'm in the South now, where the single men outnumber the single women, and lovin' it! There are all these cute, fit, well-dressed men everywhere, walking around with overweight women who are dressed just a notch up from their PJs. And I'm thinkin', "Honey, you need to step it up." I'm single and ready to mingle, so I get a little dolled up for my errands, and all this hot man energy is coming at me all the time. LOVE IT! I haven't even tried to meet men yet. It will be fun to see what happens when I do. And that is coming soon!

Edited July 8, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[turnera]

Great progress. Why don't you look into mint.com or some other online budgeting program? You can set your folks up on it, enter in all their bills and debt, and it will help them map out a plan to get out of debt. I use Total Money Makeover, but you have to pay for that one. There are other good ones.