My (not unique) story...

[alwayshere]

It is said by some (actually by many) that an affair is like an addiction.

 

Using that to very directly relate to the topic at hand:

 

If you are an alcoholic who wants to recover, whose help do you seek:

 

A fellow active alcoholic?

 

Or a successful recovering/recovered alcoholic or alcoholic's spouse?

 

Taking advice on an affair situation from someone actively in an affair (when you goal is to stop the betrayal and do the right thing) makes no sense.

 

Telling the truth is giving the spouse you have been disrespecting, betraying, belittling, and exposing to disease at least the basic respect of honesty about their lives and marriage. It also means accountability and the possibility that you will have to look at yourself honestly and change.

 

THAT is why active wayward spouses don't advocate telling.

[Mr. Lucky]

Leave wife, leave OW or do both. All crappy choices, but the only ones you have.

Not true all choices are "crappy". You can come clean to the wife, use MC to address the issues in your relationship and emerge with a stronger marriage and your family intact.

 

Added bonus - you get to keep your honor and integrity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

Face it, you're a coward and afraid to tell your wife the truth! You don't want to be the bad guy in all of this.

 

Oh, and if you think she doesn't know what's going on, you would be wrong. She's been married to you long enough to know that something isn't right. She might not know exactly what it is. But, that's what gets people to start looking into things.

 

And one more thing, If you think you and your affair partner are going to live happily ever after, you would be wrong on that too! Relationships that start from an affair rarely ever work out. Because the foundation of your relationship is built on the pain of others. And the two of you are going to have major trust issues. If she was willing to cheat with you, then it wouldn't be a problem to cheat on you.

 

Think on this a while.

 

She knows that something isn't right... she hasn't asked me if I'm having an affair (or if I had one), but I've told her that I'm not happy... the problem is that I can't really tell her WHY I'm not happy. I didn't realize that something might be missing until I fell for the OW.

 

And the OW and I have talked about our relationship and how sketchy it might be... we both realize that we started on the wrong foot by being dishonest. That being said, if we had a 'proper' relationship, I would have NO problem trusting her.

 

Like I said, the OW is the only person in my life I've ever been 100% honest with. I haven't hidden anything and I haven't made her any promises.

[Chi townD]

She knows that something isn't right... she hasn't asked me if I'm having an affair (or if I had one), but I've told her that I'm not happy... the problem is that I can't really tell her WHY I'm not happy. I didn't realize that something might be missing until I fell for the OW.

 

And the OW and I have talked about our relationship and how sketchy it might be... we both realize that we started on the wrong foot by being dishonest. That being said, if we had a 'proper' relationship, I would have NO problem trusting her.

 

Like I said, the OW is the only person in my life I've ever been 100% honest with. I haven't hidden anything and I haven't made her any promises.

 

 

 

Okay, so tell your wife the truth! What do you have to lose! Tell your wife you've been cheating on her and that you're leaving her for this other woman. She may end up hating you, but at least you avoid the crying and begging you to stay. Tell your kids that you're moving out and leaving their mother for another woman.

 

 

This might be a little more difficult for you because the kids will cry and promise you that they'll be better kids and that they'll be good. But, make sure you tell them that it wasn't their fault.

 

 

Then, you can skip out the door and be happy with your affair partner. Because, let's face it, only your happiness is what's important here.

 

 

Little harsh huh? Think I'm an a**hole? Fact is, you're going to break your family's hearts. No way around it. And here's the rub, I'm not the one that did that. You're the one that's going to do that.

[shermanator]

Okay, so tell your wife the truth! What do you have to lose! Tell your wife you've been cheating on her and that you're leaving her for this other woman. She may end up hating you, but at least you avoid the crying and begging you to stay. Tell your kids that you're moving out and leaving their mother for another woman.

 

This might be a little more difficult for you because the kids will cry and promise you that they'll be better kids and that they'll be good. But, make sure you tell them that it wasn't their fault.

 

Then, you can skip out the door and be happy with your affair partner. Because, let's face it, only your happiness is what's important here.

 

Little harsh huh? Think I'm an a**hole? Fact is, you're going to break your family's hearts. No way around it. And here's the rub, I'm not the one that did that. You're the one that's going to do that.

 

You seem pretty angry about something...

 

And I understand how selfish walking away from a marriage is... that's why I haven't done it. It would only be for me and I can't bring myself to do it yet. I understand that I'd break their hearts.

[shermanator]

You don't say that there are any real issues in your M other than a stale sex life. Going to the gym and noticing this OW was the first red flag. You obviously wanted attention, she gave it and so did you. Then you did the worst thing of all pursued this until you finally slept together and now you say you want to be with her?

 

I know you realize the reality of it all has not set in, but I am sure you can understand from most of the posts here that you are in a fog in the land of unicorn and rainbows.

 

As a BS it is hurtful to hear you say how you are "dying" to be with this OW. Please know your W deserves to know that her M is "dying". She should be given the opportunity to decide how she would like to proceed and get an honest and clear picture of what you are doing and how you plan to live out the rest of your life.

 

You have 3 kids, which I am sure she has dedicated her life to. Being a mom and W is not easy. Sometimes it can fill up our schedules. But when you see that you are spending less time together, that is when you make it a point to respark the flames of your M.

 

Now do you really know this OW aside what is in between her legs? Is she a good person, is she in debt, has she pursued MM in the past? A self respecting woman wouldn't try to take what's not hers.

 

This is all pure selfishness. Do not expect your W to want to stay with you. If you really think the grass is greener on the other side...go for it. You will soon realize it turns brown real quick.

 

I hope you do the right thing and tell your W. Once you see her reaction you may not feel as strongly as you do.

 

Good Luck.

 

Yes, the OW is a good person... no, she hasn't pursued a MM in the past. She feels a lot of guilt about what we've done.

 

We started as friends, spent a lot of time together talking and having an EA before anything physical happened. If it was just a fling or some sex on the side, I think walking away would be easier...

 

About the kids, I do a lot of the work with them (getting them ready in the morning, picking up after school, doing homework) and I'm the breadwinner. I'm not saying my wife doesn't do any work with them, but it's not 100% on her, either.

 

I don't think she'll want to stay with me if I tell her... I've thought about telling her, just so she can kick me out and make the decision for me, which isn't the right thing to do.

[WasOtherWoman]

She knows that something isn't right... she hasn't asked me if I'm having an affair (or if I had one), but I've told her that I'm not happy... the problem is that I can't really tell her WHY I'm not happy. I didn't realize that something might be missing until I fell for the OW.

 

.

 

Here's the thing.... you weren't unhappy before you got involved with your OW. This alone is a very key thing. It is easy to get your head turned by someone new. Someone who has not heard all of your stories (and you theirs), there are still things to discover, things to do together. The existing relationship can never compete with "shiny and new aspect" of a new relationship (at first).

 

But be smart .... shiny and new doesn't last. That "something missing" that you now feel is the shiny and new stuff. If you were happy with your wife before you got involved with the OW then you can be happy again. I honestly don't believe that the reason you feel this way is because of this particular OW (no offense to her), it is just the thrill of the new relationship.

 

Just something to think about....

[shermanator]

Here's the thing.... you weren't unhappy before you got involved with your OW. This alone is a very key thing. It is easy to get your head turned by someone new. Someone who has not heard all of your stories (and you theirs), there are still things to discover, things to do together. The existing relationship can never compete with "shiny and new aspect" of a new relationship (at first).

 

But be smart .... shiny and new doesn't last. That "something missing" that you now feel is the shiny and new stuff. If you were happy with your wife before you got involved with the OW then you can be happy again. I honestly don't believe that the reason you feel this way is because of this particular OW (no offense to her), it is just the thrill of the new relationship.

 

Just something to think about....

 

I know... that all makes sense on paper. But now the OW has heard all my stories, knows my dirty laundry, etc. I've been married for 12 years, I understand that 'shiny and new' doesn't last...

 

The OW didn't 'break' my marriage... if I was able to develop feelings for her, something was already missing in my current relationship.

[violet1]

I know... that all makes sense on paper. But now the OW has heard all my stories, knows my dirty laundry, etc. I've been married for 12 years, I understand that 'shiny and new' doesn't last...

 

The OW didn't 'break' my marriage... if I was able to develop feelings for her, something was already missing in my current relationship.

Nope, if you were happy before you met the OW than how can something be wrong in your M? You're blame shifting and you need to stop that. Something inside of YOU caused you to cheat. My marriage was in a horrible state when I cheated, but I had other options I could have chose. It's not my H's fault I cheated. I didn't handle my marital issues the right way. You need to do serious soul searching to figure out the whys but blaming your M is not going to help you.

[shermanator]

Nope, if you were happy before you met the OW than how can something be wrong in your M? You're blame shifting and you need to stop that. Something inside of YOU caused you to cheat. My marriage was in a horrible state when I cheated, but I had other options I could have chose. It's not my H's fault I cheated. I didn't handle my marital issues the right way. You need to do serious soul searching to figure out the whys but blaming your M is not going to help you.

 

I'm not blaming my M... I understand that I made the choice. I didn't have to cheat. I was totally drawn to the OW, fell in love with her over the course of 18 months and, ultimately, cheated.

 

Now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

[Quiet Storm]

When alcoholics don't fully "get it", they become "dry drunks". This means, they keep the same sneaky attitude- they just change their poison.

 

So I think you have issues that are certainly still festering & need to be resolved. These issues likely have nothing to do with your wife, your marriage, or your OW. They are issues within you. Probably related to your family of origin, or some trauma that you experienced early in life.

 

Addicts use or drink to escape. If you don't resolve the issues, you can quit drinking, but still continue to escape in other ways.

 

So I know you feel like you & OW are perfect, and you are meant to be with her. But truthfully, you probably feel this way because you are using her as your new escape. She replaced the booze. She now represents the comfort, fun, no worries feeling that booze once provided for you. You see it as a special connection, but the reason you feel so connected is because she provides you with the same "feel good" feelings that you seek.

 

You are doing yourself, your wife & your children a great disservice if you assume that these feelings for OW mean that you are "mean to be" with her. The likely scenario is that, if you leave & be with OW, she will no longer be your escape. So eventually, you will need another vice, another method to numb yourself. Maybe this time it will be drugs, or gambling, or craigslist hookups, etc.

 

So I suggest that you let OW go, and genuinely focus on getting yourself in order. You need to learn how to be OK, and to feel content, with YOURSELF. Your happiness should not be dependent on a substance or a woman.

 

Your story is actually very common. Many former substance abusers replace their substance with an affair. It's just another manifestation of your personal issues. It's not fair to your wife or kids. It's your responsibility to get yourself "right". They are the collateral damage on your quest for happiness, when all along that happiness is within you. You just aren't equipped to realize that yet. I see you are in counseling, so I suggest you stay in counseling or find a new counselor, so that you can work on your personal growth, BEFORE you make an decisions about leaving. Let OW go, she deserves better than what you can provide her. She doesn't realize that you love for her is just another manifestation of your dysfunction. Get yourself right before you drag all these other people down with you.

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but all these people in your life- Wife, kids, OW deserve so much better than this. You are a parent. Life doesn't revolve around "your feelings" anymore. Stop being selfish and work on being the best person that you can be.

[Got it]

I know... that all makes sense on paper. But now the OW has heard all my stories, knows my dirty laundry, etc. I've been married for 12 years, I understand that 'shiny and new' doesn't last...

 

The OW didn't 'break' my marriage... if I was able to develop feelings for her, something was already missing in my current relationship.

 

Not necessarily true. As a former OW who did marry her AP I strongly caution you that you should not throw the baby out with the bath water. I am not going to tell you what direction to go in but with your alcohol issue prior, etc. there are coping mechanisms that you need to address first. Your marriage may be ready to end but it should not solely be because you found someone else. You need to make sure, that regardless of the OW you would pursue divorce any way. That way you can say that you put everything you could and turned over every rock prior to coming to the decision.

 

I would strongly recommend IC to help figure out what you want and why you want it. To figure out if you are looking at things rationally and realistically.

 

Whatever you do you don't want to look back and regret the decision. So take the time and make the investment now. You may find that you are compatible with your wife and that you rekindle what you once had. She can be shiny and new again.

 

And I recommend telling her. Work on becoming authentic. You won't regret the decision.

[2sunny]

If she doesn't suspect anything, why should I break her heart and be honest with her about what I've done? I don't know what I want (to stay or to be with the OW), so I feel like I'm paralyzed right now.

 

Why do you get a choice while your wife doesn't?

 

It's all about you... How you feel, what you want, when you want it, the way you want things.

 

Did your marital vows include that selfish approach?

 

If you want to cheat - go ahead...but tell your wife your truth - so SHE has a choice too!

 

Your lack of considering your wife's feelings is just...ugh.

 

You're right - it's not a unique story - so explaining it honestly with your wife may help her understand who she's really married to.

Edited June 18, 2014 by 2sunny

[alwayshere]

I know... that all makes sense on paper. But now the OW has heard all my stories, knows my dirty laundry, etc. I've been married for 12 years, I understand that 'shiny and new' doesn't last...

 

The OW didn't 'break' my marriage... if I was able to develop feelings for her, something was already missing in my current relationship.

 

This last part is completely incorrect. YOU broke your marriage when you LET another woman in.

[Quiet Storm]

Just wanted to let you know that I am not a BS, so my harsh reply wasn't coming from that perspective.

 

You say you're feel sick not talking to OW, but that is a common view of anyone suffering withdrawal. You are simply feeling the loss of the thing that makes you feel good. Before it was alcohol, now it is OW.

 

My own father lived your struggle- trust me, it is SO freeing when you finally realize that "feeling good" isn't dependent on drinking, drugs, or other women. When you realize that the content, feelgood feelings come from within you- and you learn how to love yourself, it changes your whole perspective. You realize that what you were seeking was within you all along. Please don't leave your kids before you explore this, you owe it to them to figure this out. Don't escape and allow all your issues to rain down on them.

[shermanator]

When alcoholics don't fully "get it", they become "dry drunks". This means, they keep the same sneaky attitude- they just change their poison.

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but all these people in your life- Wife, kids, OW deserve so much better than this. You are a parent. Life doesn't revolve around "your feelings" anymore. Stop being selfish and work on being the best person that you can be.

 

Thanks for the feedback... not so harsh. Just honest.

 

I've talked about a bunch of this in counseling and we've discussed that the OW could be a replacement. I was sober for a while before anything started, though. Didn't go right from alcohol to a A. In therapy, we've discussed that drinking provided an escape and brought chaos into my life and I could be using the OW to continue an exciting/chaotic lifestyle...

 

Right now, we're NC... I let the OW go. We started as great friends and I miss her a lot.

[WasOtherWoman]

The OW didn't 'break' my marriage... if I was able to develop feelings for her, something was already missing in my current relationship.

 

Honestly? The above is not true. Anyone can develop feelings for someone other than their spouse, it happens all the time.

 

My husband and I realize this exact thing and take steps to make sure that we never allow ourselves to get close enough to another to allow this to happen.

 

I get that the horse is kinda out of the barn at this point, but, truly, the way that you feel about your OW truly does not mean that something was missing from your current relationship.

 

There is ALWAYS something missing from any relationship, right?

 

And, just so you know where I am coming from, I have been happily married to my MM for almost 15 years now. The difference is that his marriage was over long before we ever met (not that I am making an excuses for being an OW, I own that).

 

Leaving for someone else generally does not work....

[shermanator]

This last part is completely incorrect. YOU broke your marriage when you LET another woman in.

 

Maybe... who's to say it wasn't already broken, though?

[Got it]

Maybe... who's to say it wasn't already broken, though?

 

Okay, maybe. But I think you need to do a lot more soul searching and therapy to be able to make an educated decision on that. If you read back over your posts, do you think that you have spelled out a clearly defined case of a failed marriage?

 

Focus on your development, either way divorce or reconciliation you want to be the healthiest person that you can offer to yourself and others. Take that stance so you know that your decisions are clearly thought out and researched so you can have faith they are not passing fancies.

[shermanator]

I get that the horse is kinda out of the barn at this point, but, truly, the way that you feel about your OW truly does not mean that something was missing from your current relationship.

 

There is ALWAYS something missing from any relationship, right?

 

And, just so you know where I am coming from, I have been happily married to my MM for almost 15 years now. The difference is that his marriage was over long before we ever met (not that I am making an excuses for being an OW, I own that).

 

Leaving for someone else generally does not work....

 

I don't think there's ALWAYS something missing in a relationship... and, in speaking with two different IC and in a couple MC sessions, they've made it sound like, if you stray, something was missing in your relationship.

 

Affairs have been described as 'an immature response to relationship issues' more than once in my sessions.

 

I know leaving for someone else is risky and doesn't usually work. That doesn't make my feelings any different, though. And it's worked for you, right?

[WasOtherWoman]

I don't think there's ALWAYS something missing in a relationship... and, in speaking with two different IC and in a couple MC sessions, they've made it sound like, if you stray, something was missing in your relationship.

 

Affairs have been described as 'an immature response to relationship issues' more than once in my sessions.

 

I know leaving for someone else is risky and doesn't usually work. That doesn't make my feelings any different, though. And it's worked for you, right?

 

If you look at it logically, there is always SOMETHING missing in any relationship. No one fulfills every single one of your needs/desires.

 

Believe me, I understand the affair feelings, I really do. And, yes, it worked out for me. I absolutely adore my husband. BUT, as I said, he did not leave for me. His ex-wife cheated early on in their marriage. He left when his last child left for college, his ex was well aware that this was his plan.

 

That said, no one is saying that it can't work, truly. Clearly, it can and does sometimes. I think that everyone is cautioning you on writing off your marriage, and is trying to make sure that you think hard about what you are doing, because, really, it can't be undone.

[shermanator]

Why do you get a choice while your wife doesn't?

 

It's all about you... How you feel, what you want, when you want it, the way you want things.

 

Did your marital vows include that selfish approach?

 

If you want to cheat - go ahead...but tell your wife your truth - so SHE has a choice too!

 

Your lack of considering your wife's feelings is just...ugh.

 

You're right - it's not a unique story - so explaining it honestly with your wife may help her understand who she's really married to.

 

Telling my wife (and breaking her heart) is just a way for me to ask for forgiveness. Maybe I could tell her that I had a flirtation with someone else, or was tempted, but in talking with professionals, telling her everything would just be a way to eradicate some of the guilt I'm feeling.

 

If I didn't care about my wife's feelings, I probably wouldn't feel any guilt, right? None of this is easy.

[Chi townD]

If I didn't care about my wife's feelings, I probably wouldn't feel any guilt, right? None of this is easy.

 

 

 

If you cared about your wife's feelings you wouldn't have cheated on your family.

[Snowflower]

Telling my wife (and breaking her heart) is just a way for me to ask for forgiveness. Maybe I could tell her that I had a flirtation with someone else, or was tempted, but in talking with professionals, telling her everything would just be a way to eradicate some of the guilt I'm feeling.

.

 

IC individual counseling focuses on the patient-in this case you-to the exclusion of everyone and everything else.

 

So it follows that these same counselors would tell you what is best for YOU-and in this case, that would be not to tell your wife.

 

Does that make sense?

[CarrieT]

Maybe I could tell her that I had a flirtation with someone else, or was tempted, but in talking with professionals, telling her everything would just be a way to eradicate some of the guilt I'm feeling.

That is known as "trickle truth" and she probably wouldn't believe you that it was just a flirtation.

 

Shermanator - I would like to hurl you down a time tunnel about two decades, please. Your children are grown now. They are adults. Who do you want them to look at when they see you as their parent? What life lessons do you want to teach them?

 

Do you want them to go into their relationships with the idea that they can deceive their partners and hide truths to "keep from hurting them?" Do you want them to have successful and happy marriages? Do you want to teach them what it means to have courage and be true to themselves?

 

All these - and more - are questions you have to ask yourself. If you want them to be in a household with loving parents, hearken back to all the things that helped you fall in love with your wife and work to reclaim those sensations. Build on that, relish that, and exalt your wife insofar as their regard is concerned.

 

But if you want to tell your adult children that they should grasp what happiness they can - when they can - with whom they can - then file for divorce and be with the other woman.