Wife in EA, wants to leave me for commitmentphobe

[Striver]

As expected, the email to her parents didn't work. W claimed they knew everything already (who knows) and was pissed anyway. No change in behavior, no remorse.

 

That is the last bullet I will be spending on the marriage. No more. I suppose the door is open for W until we divorce, but I feel no obligation to engage her or put up with her abusive comments.

 

I'll talk with my mother this weekend (she doesn't know) and let her know what's happened. As always, just sad and not angry. W needs to be angry for justification.

[Owl]

If your wife doesn't care how this makes you feel...then I think your best bet is to give her what she wants.

 

Show her the door, remove yourself completely from her life, and focus on finding your OWN happiness within yourself.

[Striver]

If your wife doesn't care how this makes you feel...then I think your best bet is to give her what she wants.

 

Show her the door, remove yourself completely from her life, and focus on finding your OWN happiness within yourself.

 

I agree. I'm loving the time with our kids. It is actually better without W around to critique my every movement.

 

I will still have to deal with W for many years because of the kids. She will likely be angry with me for some time whatever I do or don't do. There are also the legal questions of which actions it's wise for me to take or not take. Our relationship is done, and we'll likely never be able to have a conversation about it again.

[Owl]

I agree. I'm loving the time with our kids. It is actually better without W around to critique my every movement.

 

I will still have to deal with W for many years because of the kids. She will likely be angry with me for some time whatever I do or don't do. There are also the legal questions of which actions it's wise for me to take or not take. Our relationship is done, and we'll likely never be able to have a conversation about it again.

 

For any legal interactions with her...do those through an attorney. For raising the kids...keep any interactions with her around that completely and totally focused on that.

 

Other than those two things...leave her in the cold.

[turnera]

I'm sure she doesn't consider what she did an EA, because "no lines were crossed." She just communicated with an ex-lover/whatever for 9 months until she was ready to leave the marriage and date him.

It doesn't matter what SHE considers an EA at this point. What matters - assuming you're trying to save the marriage - is that SHE knows that her IMPORTANT PEOPLE now know that she's been committing adultery and breaking up her family because of it.

 

Have you also told her best friends? Her pastor? Her cousins? The goal is to get her to see (hopefully) that they won't welcome him to their home for Thanksgiving and, if they do, it will be awkward.

 

For now, time is your friend. DO NOT agree to anything. DO NOT move out. Tell your lawyer that you want this divorce dragged out for YEARS because her affair is unlikely to last that long. Do not make any agreements about kids that don't benefit you and your time with them. Again, DO NOT MOVE OUT.

Edited July 7, 2014 by turnera

[Spectre]

That is the last bullet I will be spending on the marriage. No more. I suppose the door is open for W until we divorce, but I feel no obligation to engage her or put up with her abusive comments.

 

Dude, the door should not be open at all. It should be firmly shut and bolted.

 

But bullet is the right word, and why? Because you just dodged the biggest bullet of all. You will finally get this person out of your life. She can go be with this utter scumbag of another man she found. I guarantee you she will not find a happy ending with this person. When she comes crawling back..please don't give in. Women like this far too often feel they should be allowed to have their cake and eat it too. She doesn't get to go see if the grass is greener on the other side and then come back when she finds out it isn't, so don't let her.

[Striver]

It doesn't matter what SHE considers an EA at this point. What matters - assuming you're trying to save the marriage - is that SHE knows that her IMPORTANT PEOPLE now know that she's been committing adultery and breaking up her family because of it.

 

Have you also told her best friends? Her pastor? Her cousins? The goal is to get her to see (hopefully) that they won't welcome him to their home for Thanksgiving and, if they do, it will be awkward.

 

For now, time is your friend. DO NOT agree to anything. DO NOT move out. Tell your lawyer that you want this divorce dragged out for YEARS because her affair is unlikely to last that long. Do not make any agreements about kids that don't benefit you and your time with them. Again, DO NOT MOVE OUT.

 

I'm not planning to move out, I know that much. She may be reluctant to force that issue. She's threatened several times, but no action yet.

 

She doesn't care about church. That's my thing. She joined our church, but she's willing to walk away from the church and the pastor who married us.

 

W is smart and articulate. Her reasons are total crap, but she's escalating now. First it was one specific time I wasn't sympathetic enough to something she cared about, then it was that time and another unspecified time she's sure happened, now I've been useless for the past six years, doing nothing but reading books. Yes, I do read books. One time she brought a book to a party herself, then complained when I started looking at it. Never mind that the rest of the party I was entertaining our kids in various ways. But W doesn't care; it was an "incident", and she's now willing to make stuff up. Most of her friends and family probably aren't willing to wade through all of the garbage when she's that determined.

[JS84]

 

W is smart and articulate. Her reasons are total crap, but she's escalating now. First it was one specific time I wasn't sympathetic enough to something she cared about, then it was that time and another unspecified time she's sure happened, now I've been useless for the past six years, doing nothing but reading books. Yes, I do read books. One time she brought a book to a party herself, then complained when I started looking at it. Never mind that the rest of the party I was entertaining our kids in various ways. But W doesn't care; it was an "incident", and she's now willing to make stuff up. Most of her friends and family probably aren't willing to wade through all of the garbage when she's that determined.

 

She's re-writing the marital history. Basically finding excuses to blame you for her adulterous behavior. It's a defense mechanism to help alleviate her guilt and sense of responsibility. It's pretty common. And I agree it seems like your wife has completely checked out of your marriage.

[turnera]

You need to read the book Surviving An Affair, like yesterday. It describes everything she's doing and everything you should be doing to combat it.

 

Who else are you going to expose to?

[Spectre]

I'm not planning to move out, I know that much. She may be reluctant to force that issue. She's threatened several times, but no action yet.

 

So yeah, you dodged not one bullet..but a whole hail of bullets. You have made Neo from the Matrix look like crap in comparison. She has threatened..*what* exactly, several times? Tell me she did not have the balls to threaten to make you leave, because that would be so utterly hilarious a person could be so ignorant, and you said this woman is supposed to be smart, so I hope you meant she was threatening SHE would move out, since she has zero right and zero ground to stand on to ask you to leave.

[Striver]

So yeah, you dodged not one bullet..but a whole hail of bullets. You have made Neo from the Matrix look like crap in comparison. She has threatened..*what* exactly, several times? Tell me she did not have the balls to threaten to make you leave, because that would be so utterly hilarious a person could be so ignorant, and you said this woman is supposed to be smart, so I hope you meant she was threatening SHE would move out, since she has zero right and zero ground to stand on to ask you to leave.

 

Originally she was going to get an apartment and move out. Then she said we couldn't afford it and settled for the couch.

 

Then she was on the furnished one bedroom apt again, I was supposed to stay there five nights a week, she two. I said I wasn't moving out. She said she would take the kids and go, then said she'd get a legal separation. Neither happened.

 

After I emailed her parents, she said she was going to talk to a lawyer. Apparently she hasn't yet. I have, haven't told her. Also didn't tell her I was going to contact her parents, didn't see the need. She had defied me on everything I told them anyway. We'll see if she gets a lawyer. She has seemed reluctant to go through with some of this.

 

At this point I wouldn't be surprised if she is dating/screwing OM. She's been out late several nights, who knows what she is doing. If we're done I don't know that I care all that much, I already don't trust or respect her. If she wants to try and reconcile, it will have to come out.

 

I get the feeling that she sort of respected that I contacted her parents. I wonder if she wants me to go out and be with another woman at this point, if that's the only thing she would respect. I don't know that I'm interested right now, not really my thing.

[Leelou]

 

W is smart and articulate. Her reasons are total crap, but she's escalating now. First it was one specific time I wasn't sympathetic enough to something she cared about, then it was that time and another unspecified time she's sure happened, now I've been useless for the past six years, doing nothing but reading books. Yes, I do read books. One time she brought a book to a party herself, then complained when I started looking at it. Never mind that the rest of the party I was entertaining our kids in various ways. But W doesn't care; it was an "incident", and she's now willing to make stuff up. Most of her friends and family probably aren't willing to wade through all of the garbage when she's that determined.

 

I find that when a WS comes up with a list of your 'crimes' ("incidents") that are not really that bad, then you must understand that they are grasping for straws... you have been so okay as a human being and a spouse, that they have NOTHING terrible to quote you as being guilty of ... so they hook onto some minor incidents that in anyone's life would be overlooked with time.

[Spectre]

Originally she was going to get an apartment and move out. Then she said we couldn't afford it and settled for the couch.

 

Then she was on the furnished one bedroom apt again, I was supposed to stay there five nights a week, she two. I said I wasn't moving out. She said she would take the kids and go, then said she'd get a legal separation. Neither happened.

 

After I emailed her parents, she said she was going to talk to a lawyer. Apparently she hasn't yet. I have, haven't told her. Also didn't tell her I was going to contact her parents, didn't see the need. She had defied me on everything I told them anyway. We'll see if she gets a lawyer. She has seemed reluctant to go through with some of this.

 

At this point I wouldn't be surprised if she is dating/screwing OM. She's been out late several nights, who knows what she is doing. If we're done I don't know that I care all that much, I already don't trust or respect her. If she wants to try and reconcile, it will have to come out.

 

I get the feeling that she sort of respected that I contacted her parents. I wonder if she wants me to go out and be with another woman at this point, if that's the only thing she would respect. I don't know that I'm interested right now, not really my thing.

 

Just wow this woman is terrible. You should go out and be with another woman. Why do you feel she respected you telling her parents? This woman cheated on you, and is now spending several nights out late? There is no way she isn't banging other dudes during these times then. She wouldn't be acting this way if she had any inkling of respect or love for you.

 

When are you going to tell her you are divorcing her? Also, you might want to start recording conversations with her and make sure you save any emails or anything. If she does decide to go get a lawyer and things get nasty..it wouldn't hurt for you to have actual proof about how horrible she is.

[Striver]

Just wow this woman is terrible. You should go out and be with another woman. Why do you feel she respected you telling her parents? This woman cheated on you, and is now spending several nights out late? There is no way she isn't banging other dudes during these times then. She wouldn't be acting this way if she had any inkling of respect or love for you.

 

When are you going to tell her you are divorcing her? Also, you might want to start recording conversations with her and make sure you save any emails or anything. If she does decide to go get a lawyer and things get nasty..it wouldn't hurt for you to have actual proof about how horrible she is.

 

I think she respected that I had the chutzpah to send her parents an email without talking to her about it. Not something I would normally do. Of course she has done months of planning behind my back already. She doesn't respect me when I talk to her directly, it's a small victory. She asked me yesterday if I had someone over to help write the email. Something she would do. I don't collaborate, it was all me. Of course, she is busy trying to forget everything she ever knew about me, so no wonder she got that wrong.

 

As far as dating goes, that will be based on me and not her. Assuming we are headed straight to D. Whatever feels right for me, when the time is right. Of course, I can think about what I would like in the meantime. I don't need someone to bear my children anymore, so I suppose I can be flexible. Sooner or later I will need it, and when I need it I'll need to make some moves. Don't want to spiral downward, if the marriage ends I need to move on.

[happyman64]

Striver

 

 

So you sent the email. Great!

 

 

Now do something else positive.

 

 

Go see your lawyer and get the divorce rolling.

 

 

Go to the bank and split the $$$ in half. Hell, ask your lawyer if you can deduct what she stole out of the account.

 

 

Start treating your wife like the liar and cheater she is.

 

 

Be positive. Focus on you and the kids.

 

 

Show your wife the man you were when she met you.

 

 

Confident. Successful. Happy. Positive about the future.

 

 

Make her doubt her actions.

 

 

Now get moving forward and stop waiting for her to do more damage.

 

 

Separate yourself from her infidelity.

 

 

HM

[Striver]

You need to read the book Surviving An Affair, like yesterday. It describes everything she's doing and everything you should be doing to combat it.

 

Thanks.

 

One question. Would W neglecting other aspects of her life be a symptom? W is getting glued to her iPhone now. She did manage to put it down for most of our children's sporting event. She no longer turns out the light in our child's room after the child falls asleep. I do that now. Dirty dishes are starting to pile up, as the dishwasher is unemptied.

 

I'll also point out that these are all things I would catch crap from her if I did. Pointless to point out to her now.

[turnera]

Here are a lot of great articles that will help.

InfidelityMarriage Advocates

 

Basically, female cheaters give you the ILYBINILWY speech, they never let go of their phone, they rewrite the history of the marriage and start telling other people that YOU are the problem, they stop being a partner and stop taking care of typical 'duties' around the house and with the kids.

 

Again, if you are considering saving the marriage...who else have you exposed to?

[Striver]

Here are a lot of great articles that will help.

InfidelityMarriage Advocates

 

Basically, female cheaters give you the ILYBINILWY speech, they never let go of their phone, they rewrite the history of the marriage and start telling other people that YOU are the problem, they stop being a partner and stop taking care of typical 'duties' around the house and with the kids.

 

Again, if you are considering saving the marriage...who else have you exposed to?

 

Thanks for the link. Found a thread on counterintuitive strategies. I need to do some more reading anyway, build up some new ideas.

 

Except for ILYBINILWY (W did different things) W is doing all of the rest. Good to know.

 

I don't know if I will do more exposing right now. I hit the big ones. Rest would be her female friends that I don't see all that much myself, not sure anyone there would be bigger than her immediate family. Everyone important on "my side" already knows, except for my mother, who will know in a couple of days.

 

I think I'm taking pretty good care of myself. Cooking for myself again, making good meals. Bought myself some new clothes, probably do a bit more of that. I can handle the kids fine on my own. Thought about the fact that W probably thinks she can have me back any time she wants. May need to put that into doubt.

 

At some point the tactics will start to get more real, legal separation and divorce. Not sure I'm ready yet, I really need to think about the kids. Maybe the only way, though.

 

Hey, a woman at work flirted with me yesterday! Said she was only teasing, too soon for me, but I will take it!

[turnera]

If your wife thinks she can have you any time she wants, that is THE NUMBER ONE thing you need to change. The MOST IMPORTANT way to stop a cheater is to show them they can't eat cake - that if they continue to cheat you will remove yourself from their lives. All of the marriages I've seen saved over the years have included this one component - the BS immediately informed the WS that they will NOT share the WS and if they don't stop NOW, the BS is heading to the lawyer. BEFORE the WS.

 

 

IIWY, I'd print out some divorce/separation papers and either have them lying around for her to see or else hand them to her. Even if she's doing it herself, her seeing YOU taking steps to divorce HER will evoke an emotional response in her. What have you got to lose? She's fast-tracking out of there anyway.

[Striver]

If your wife thinks she can have you any time she wants, that is THE NUMBER ONE thing you need to change. The MOST IMPORTANT way to stop a cheater is to show them they can't eat cake - that if they continue to cheat you will remove yourself from their lives. All of the marriages I've seen saved over the years have included this one component - the BS immediately informed the WS that they will NOT share the WS and if they don't stop NOW, the BS is heading to the lawyer. BEFORE the WS.

 

 

IIWY, I'd print out some divorce/separation papers and either have them lying around for her to see or else hand them to her. Even if she's doing it herself, her seeing YOU taking steps to divorce HER will evoke an emotional response in her. What have you got to lose? She's fast-tracking out of there anyway.

 

I'll think about it. Need to know to legal implications for the bigger steps.

 

W may be having second thoughts. She hasn't been following through on her threats. She's been friendlier the last couple of days, trying to share things about the kids between us. Found "The Five Love Languages" book on her chair.

 

For myself, I am starting to get more used to the idea of life without her. I can handle the kids fine, as long as we shared custody I would have influence. Easier in fact, without her critiques. Wouldn't like OM, but I have no control over that. Gotten used to some of the other losses. I have lived other places, been single before. There are other women, and if that doesn't work, I still have the kids.

 

Probably a good spot for me to be, that I don't need her. If she wants R, I have said that I will probably try, but if it would work it's better if I'm stronger on my own and don't cave.

[JS84]

And by chance if she does offer to R, don't jump all over it like a fat kid on a bag of cheetos the second she does. Make her sweat a little to show her that YOU have options.

[Fearful]

Your wife told you she is leaving you for the OM. Yet, you are tried reconciling with her wich she threw at your face by being more disrespectful. Now she acting nice with you and U are happy. The reality is that you will never find true happiness in this marriage because your feeling is never her priority. You know very well that if she even try reconciling with you, she does so because she hasn't seen any seriousness on the part of the OM. Your lame excuses of wanting to reconcile for the kids sake cannot stand. You are just being selfish using the children for your current emotional support while ignoring the impact your actions and in-actions will have on their long term emotional and moral development. Divorce will serve the best interest of you and that of your kids in the long run especially if you function as a normal human being and selfless father. A normal human being with self worth can never trust nor accept a carrot from his woman who disrespected him and prioritized other man above him. Divorce is your best option but you need to start acting and thinking under a normal compass to know this. Good luck to you in whatever decision you reached.

[turnera]

If she's reading 5 Love Languages, you should too. And His Needs Her Needs as well. On the outside chance that she's reading it for YOU, you need to be on the same page in terms of what these books teach. They can be VERY helpful in fixing your marriage.

[Striver]

So much for reconciliation any time soon.

 

Quick recap of my week. WW went out Monday, stayed overnight at a friend's, she says anyway. Was all dolled up and snotty about it. Yes, at this point I believe WW would lie to me about something like that, and feel justified in doing so.

 

Last couple of days, she was actually nicer to me. Asked me to let our children off at an activity twice, and cooked a meal for me for the first time in a long time.

 

Then today I find out she has talked to a lawyer and would like to discuss some legal issues. I'm guessing the nice bit was just to get me back in the friend box so I'll be cooperative and she can have her free, easy lifestyle with a minimum of fuss. The email was ridiculously chirpy and cheery. Affairs really are all the same. Turn normally sane, responsible people into irrational idiots.

 

I think if I confronted her on the dating she would just be defiant. She has tuned me out in that role. Apparently exposure to her parents wasn't enough to knock her off her course.

 

The kids are still a big issue for me here. They're young, between 4 and 6. Some say it's easier then. I'd actually like them to be older so they understood more, even if that is selfish on my part. I don't want to have to lie the rest of my life about what WW is doing.

 

I have done the best I could, but I am getting over my head. Can anyone direct me to get the best IC or group counseling possible? I have had counseling before, but that was for personal stuff. This will be because of what's being heaped on me, and what I want to do about it. Are there people who specialized in coping with separation/divorce, so I can get directed to the right person?

 

As far as the legal stuff, I have talked to a lawyer and not told WW about it. I won't meet with her lawyer without my own representation. I won't agree to anything without talking to my lawyer.

[bigman1]

Striver, You have been and are being set up. she is using your hope for R against you. She is on a mission. A woman on ANY mission is formidable. If she wants you, she will get you. If she wants you gone, that will happen. She is setting you up so well that when you wander in to her lawyers office without your own lawyer, and you will because she will manipulate you into letting your guard down, the hammer is going to come down on you hard. You may give in just to get it over with, or for some other reason that she will have manipulated you into believing is a good reason to capitulate. Then, after YOUR FOG has cleared, you will realize how she screwed you over. I have seen it so much that it really is sad how predictable it is.

 

She may appeal to you manhood, she may appeal to your emotions, she may make you frustrated, or appeal to you fear or to your undeniable love for her. No matter what, she is on a mission.

 

You have to stop being so feckless on this issue. She has a lawyer and they have done work together. Replace the word "lawyer" with "assassin". Now put that in the sentence you wrote. "My wife, who wants me out of the picture has told me that she wants me to meet with her ASSASSIN to discuss my assassination. I am probably not gonna meet with him without my bodyguard. I have been trying to convince her not to kill me and she has been nice at times, but she still seems pretty set on her goal of having me eliminated. I really need to figure out what to do." That is what you have said.

 

Listen! Get you a lawyer, get them up to speed. Miss meals, or whatever it takes to get them retained TODAY. Go on the offensive. It does not matter if you guys work things out in the end, right now, it is about who starts out strong. Give them the first shot and you are toast. In law, the first to file has the advantage. Their story gets told first. They get to ask for things first, it is amazing. You can hope she wont fire the shot, but she has already hired your assassin.

 

I have seen wives attack husbands and the husband leaves the home because he did not want to fight her. When he returns, the cops are there and HE gets arrested because SHE called the cops first. I have seen similar things in same sex relationships, and any relationship where one party has violated the bonds of the relationship and the other still wants to respect it or preserve it. The innocent party gets screwed EVERY TIME. Not most times, not often, EVERY TIME.

 

In law, the best defense is offense. The best offense is offense. The best way to win is to not be afraid to fight. If you keep trying to block punches, one is going to get through and you will be on the floor. Stop reading, get a lawyer, file and then see where things go from there. DO NOT under any circumstances wait to see what she and her assassin are proposing. They will give you a cyanide pill and if for some miraculous reason you don't take it, they will shoot you immediately. PLEASE BELIEVE ME.