Wife in EA, wants to leave me for commitmentphobe

[jbelle6]

Sweet mother of God. Everyone on these boards and their dog has aspergers syndrome and everyone's ex has BPD. LOL. You actually came on here telling us you had Autism Spectrum Disorder (the term aspergers is/is becoming obsolete), you must have believed that. All because this woman insisted you had it? Don't even let a single doctor label you with anything so quickly.

 

I understand wanting to hold the family together but a doormat Father is a poor example for your children. Show them how to be men and how to be treated with respect. What your wife is doing is the most disrespectful thing a woman can do to a man.

 

Your wife has checked out completely. I hate to be negative but I think she is just gone and there isn't much you can do about it. If you do have a 1 or 2% chance of getting her back though, it's not by what you are doing. The only way you have a hope in hell is if you man up, tell her to go to her boyfriend and file for divorce. Maybe she will have some respect for you then at least. You are only turning her off more by what you are doing.

 

Are you sure she was even at her cousins? Emotional affairs usually get very sexually charged, if there was any way they could physically meet up, then they did. And your wife won't tell you that, cheaters never do. You may say your wife isn't a liar but she is a HUGE liar.

Edited June 25, 2014 by jbelle6

[Striver]

Sweet mother of God. Everyone on these boards and their dog has aspergers syndrome and everyone's ex has BPD. LOL. You actually came on here telling us you had Autism Spectrum Disorder (the term aspergers is/is becoming obsolete), you must have believed that. All because this woman insisted you had it? Don't even let a single doctor label you with anything so quickly.

 

I understand wanting to hold the family together but a doormat Father is a poor example for your children. Show them how to be men and how to be treated with respect. What your wife is doing is the most disrespectful thing a woman can do to a man.

 

Your wife has checked out completely. I hate to be negative but I think she is just gone and there isn't much you can do about it. If you do have a 1 or 2% chance of getting her back though, it's not by what you are doing. The only way you have a hope in hell is if you man up, tell her to go to her boyfriend and file for divorce. Maybe she will have some respect for you then at least. You are only turning her off more by what you are doing.

 

Are you sure she was even at her cousins? Emotional affairs usually get very sexually charged, if there was any way they could physically meet up, then they did. And your wife won't tell you that, cheaters never do. You may say your wife isn't a liar but she is a HUGE liar.

 

I truly don't think she's lying or in a PA. I think that she thinks "she did things the right way" and that fuels her sense of empowerment and justification. She would have felt shame with a PA or lying, and she didn't have to do that to make her plans. Now she had to plan behind my back, not communicate her feelings, leave me for another man, and disrespect me, all of which are horrible. To me the PA would just be a cherry on top. But that's probably not how she sees it.

 

She truly has some toxic bond with this cousin of hers. The cousin is more than a decade older, and another avoidant type. The cousin is sort of weird herself. Doesn't care about our kids at all, despite her relationship with W. Probably lots of you go girl/you deserve to be happy talk, which is bad for us.

 

Sex for us continued right up to separation. One weird thing is that she needed to see the cousin for some dating emergency in the cousin's life some Friday night that was a date night for us. In turn she promised and delivered an extra night of sex with me. That was something she wouldn't have done before, using sex as barter. Probably another distancing decision for her, separating the sex with me from intimacy.

 

I agree that my wife has checked out completely. She has said so. She doesn't seem to care that I tell my friends she's leaving me for OM.

 

Wife is seeing a psych right now. I'm going to ask for a joint session to talk about this amateur Aspberger's diagnosis of hers. See if she accepts. She'll probably make some excuse.

[Itspointless]

I am so sorry for you reading all of this.

 

The fact that she puts a label on you like that made me cringe. I know people who do that usually erase themselves out of the equation. It is funny she uses the undergraduate argument. If she really knew her stuff she would also know that commitment phobics have the outward appearance of being very independent, but actually they are driven by fear. It is not real independence they posses but something called auto-regulation. Usually only the people that really come close to them - like partners will eventually see their real faces emerge when they are under stress, or when someone comes to near to be comfortable. It is not of any use to you but most probably this will bite her in her ass at some point in time.

 

Perhaps for your own peace of mind you also like to test her arguments: Wired 9.12: Take The AQ Test I would say keep the results for yourself, and let them empower you. Remember that even when you are somewhat in that spectrum it does not give any reason for what is happening to you right now.

 

I think you can best follow the good advise given here by others like Owl.

 

Good luck man.

Edited June 27, 2014 by Itspointless

[Striver]

I am so sorry for you reading all of this.

 

The fact that she puts a label on you like that made me cringe. I know people who do that usually erase themselves out of the equation. It is funny she uses the undergraduate argument. If she really knew her stuff she would also know that commitment phobics have the outward appearance of being very independent, but actually they are driven by fear. It is not real independence they posses but something called auto-regulation. Usually only the people that really come close to them - like partners will eventually see their real faces emerge when they are under stress, or when someone comes to near to be comfortable. It is not of any use to you but most probably this will bite her in her ass at some point in time.

 

Perhaps for your own peace of mind you also like to test her arguments: Wired 9.12: Take The AQ Test I would say keep the results for yourself, and let them empower you. Remember that even when you are somewhat in that spectrum it does not give any reason for what is happening to you right now.

 

I think you can best follow the good advise given here by others like Owl.

 

Good luck man.

 

I wish it mattered who I was or my characteristics, but this is 100% about her.

 

She knew exactly what she was getting into with me. She knew she was my first relationship, in my late 30s. Hence my username, Striver, since it took so much work for me to get to that place. She encouraged me to talk to a counselor about relationship issues; I did and it helped. She was patient with me in bed. I learned to make love to her well. She joined my church. She supported me when I ran my marathons. She went with me to baseball games. She threw me a 40th birthday party with a trivia theme, since I love trivia and am good at it.

 

Now she's done a 180. Those interests that she shared with me are gone and replaced by nothing. Her sole interests are antiquing (which she no longer lets me help with) and going out drinking with friends. That's it. She's intentionally lost interest in everything else we shared in order to justify dumping me. Because of OM, or because a bored, lazy, and selfish side of her has emerged.

 

It's going to cost her, this different person she has to morph herself into to justify her actions. The lies we tell ourselves are the most damaging. As poorly as she's treating me now, I'll take H #1 over H #2 or how many she plows through. It's not going to get any better for her.

[Striver]

Well, my life keeps getting better.

 

I don't normally look at the bank balances, W does that. Because of the separation I asked W for the passwords on Wednesday. W promised them by the end of the day. She didn't give them to me. Followed up today about this. She finally gave them to me tonight, right before she left to go to her cousin's, again, for an overnight.

 

Bingo.

 

$2000 check to OM in March. Another $1000 in April, with another $1000 check written out to herself for some reason at the same time.

 

Fantastic, another sleepless night and more. Yeah, it's all about my Asperger's.

[aliveagain]

Change your banking, separate your accounts, you need to protect your finances. Keep track of all monies she has spent on her affair, this is monies that have to be deducted from her portion of the settlement. If the love is gone, fire her as your wife.

[2sunny]

If she can take $4000 from your joint account - she can find herself somewhere else to live.

 

Change the locks and garage door access code. Tell her she's not welcome home anymore.

 

Close her credit cards too. Move all money she can access - or she will take everything she can.

 

File divorce papers and state in them the money she's removed without your knowledge.

 

Keep digging - and hurry to protect yourself.

 

I doubt your W is visiting the cousin - more likely the OM.

Edited June 28, 2014 by 2sunny

[mikethemechanic]

I wish it mattered who I was or my characteristics, but this is 100% about her.

 

She knew exactly what she was getting into with me. She knew she was my first relationship, in my late 30s. Hence my username, Striver, since it took so much work for me to get to that place. She encouraged me to talk to a counselor about relationship issues; I did and it helped. She was patient with me in bed. I learned to make love to her well. She joined my church. She supported me when I ran my marathons. She went with me to baseball games. She threw me a 40th birthday party with a trivia theme, since I love trivia and am good at it.

 

Now she's done a 180. Those interests that she shared with me are gone and replaced by nothing. Her sole interests are antiquing (which she no longer lets me help with) and going out

drinking with friends

. That's it. She's intentionally lost interest in everything else we shared in order to justify dumping me. Because of OM, or because a bored, lazy, and selfish side of her has emerged.

 

It's going to cost her, this different person she has to morph herself into to justify her actions. The lies we tell ourselves are the most damaging. As poorly as she's treating me now, I'll take H #1 over H #2 or how many she plows through. It's not going to get any better for her.

 

over and over we see this theme ALCOHOL xw headed out with gfs to drink as well and I couldn't go due to the fact that I didn't drink enough. this is how she met om, oh but wait they were just friends with no physical attraction towards each at least that is what xw claimed at the time... until the two of them moved in together.

Alcohol because no great love story started with eating salad!

[Striver]

Change your banking, separate your accounts, you need to protect your finances. Keep track of all monies she has spent on her affair, this is monies that have to be deducted from her portion of the settlement. If the love is gone, fire her as your wife.

 

Yeah, I know. I always have been more sad than angry about all of this. What a waste. We worked so hard to get here; she herself has done so much. Three sweet kids, had to go in vitro. Why can't she just see the nice house and the nice husband and the nice kids and the nice summer weather? Why did she need more than that? What we had should have been plenty, and up until a year ago she was fully invested. Then she got sad about a rough spot with the kids, decided not to talk about it, went down this stupid path and threw it all away. What a waste.

[2sunny]

You need to take action - did you move the money yet? Did you close credit cards yet? You can probably do it all online. Move money to your name only.

 

Change passwords on everything and don't tell her!

 

I know you're sad - but you must act quickly or she's going to move it before you do.

[Darren Steez]

Gentle 2x4.

 

Why have you not moved your money yet? I find it odd you seem marginally ok with your hard earned going into another man's pocket. OM is not a commitmentphobe at all..he'll be committed as long as the money keeps rolling in.

Not only is he with your wife but he's taking the food out your fridge, the gas out your tank, some of the clothes off your back as well.

 

Shut down the joint account. Separate your money.

[Striver]

Gentle 2x4.

 

Why have you not moved your money yet? I find it odd you seem marginally ok with your hard earned going into another man's pocket. OM is not a commitmentphobe at all..he'll be committed as long as the money keeps rolling in.

Not only is he with your wife but he's taking the food out your fridge, the gas out your tank, some of the clothes off your back as well.

 

Shut down the joint account. Separate your money.

 

I'm not OK with the money at all. W is stealing from me and the kids. We had an oral agreement that anything over $200 would be approved by the other, and she's violated that here. Don't know how that will play out.

 

This happened in March and April, and I didn't see anything before or after. The investment account is untouched. I don't have the credit card statements. If she was intent on raiding everything she could have done more. Not that what she did is okay at all.

 

At this point I'm better off being cold and calculating and not losing my calm. I don't know how the bank account stuff is perceived. W still needs to care for the kids and needs to be in the house to do that, at least during the day. W needs some access to funds to take care of the kids. I'll probably talk to the lawyer on Monday again, see what my best options are.

[2sunny]

Go to the bank today!!!

 

"I don't know how this works isn't good enough". When you move the money - you can control what happens to it.

 

You can give her money for food and the kids as it is necessary. She violated trust.

 

You can assume she's used the credit cards on him too - so close hers.

 

If she wants a card - she can open one own her name only so she is only responsible for it. Leaving hers open means you are probably responsible for at least half of what she's spent on him - or the entire balance.

 

 

Your W is more likely having sex with this guy - stop assuming it's only an EA.

 

Tell her she must work full time now since she wants her OM and she obviously intends to support him. She needs to earn money - that way you pay her less support money when the divorce happens.

 

Turn her world upside down! Consequences will help her understand the nightmare she's created. Being nice allows her to think what she's done is ok.

 

 

And her putting a label on you is terrible! I don't care what you have - you've worked and supported your family! She has no right to say a thing.

 

Your money is going to him! Put an end to it - if she wants to give him money - it can be money SHE has earned!

Edited June 28, 2014 by 2sunny

[mikethemechanic]

I'm not OK with the money at all. W is stealing from me and the kids. We had an oral agreement that anything over $200 would be approved by the other, and

she's violated that here

. Don't know how that will play out.

 

This happened in March and April, and I didn't see anything before or after. The investment account is untouched. I don't have the credit card statements. If she was intent on raiding everything she could have done more. Not that what she did is okay at all.

 

At this point I'm better off being cold and calculating and not losing my calm. I don't know how the bank account stuff is perceived. W still needs to care for the kids and needs to be in the house to do that, at least during the day. W needs some access to funds to take care of the kids. I'll probably talk to the lawyer on Monday again, see what my best options are.

 

Of course she had a headache and the beer was on sale.

[2sunny]

^^^ I don't even know what that post means...

[mikethemechanic]

^^^ I don't even know what that post means...

 

Sunny behind every misdeed there exists a vice! For an example most thieves steal for money to get drugs or liquor... I always look for the catalysis in infidelity and in this case I see alcohol. Alcohol is like love. The first kiss magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the wive's clothes off.

[Fearful]

Sorry for your pain OP. Your wife's affair has gone beyond EA to physical. She is spending your hard earn Money on the OM yet you remain docile all because you want to be 'calm and calculative'. Act now. It seems your wife control every thing in your marriage. Time for a change. She want marital seperation, let her also have financial seperation. Be in control of finances. Since she can't be trusted with fund, remove her hands completely from the direct control and access to your account. Cancel joint account, open a new account and move your money there. Give her only her basic needs and any other things needed for the well being of the kids.

[silicone]

I'm getting a feeling that OP seems reluctant to do anything, if I'm going to be honest.

 

He keeps talking about why she can't be happy with that she currently has. He wants to win her back essentially - and doesn't seem to resolve the fact that the wife no longer cares about him, and likely the children.

[Striver]

I'm getting a feeling that OP seems reluctant to do anything, if I'm going to be honest.

 

He keeps talking about why she can't be happy with that she currently has. He wants to win her back essentially - and doesn't seem to resolve the fact that the wife no longer cares about him, and likely the children.

 

I am somewhat stymied by W's actions. W separated from me when she told me about OM. She likely wants me to storm out and give her a quick and easy ending. I will not be moving out. Despite her cocky swagger in all of this, she seems reluctant to actually move out and is still sleeping on the couch. Even if I made a move to kick her out, she would still need to be here for childcare, so it doesn't seem worth the effort.

 

Someone needs to care about the kids. W has a breezy attitude about what will happen to the children. We had a fine marriage before W's actions, we both should be fighting to save it. Even if W tries to reconcile at some point, I can reject her then because she likely can't manage the necessary attitude adjustment.

 

I confronted W about the checks she wrote OM. She said they were for antiques. According to her, OM has been giving her massive help with a new booth she opened at her mall, and this was payment for all of the furniture he bought. This is the first time W has EVER mentioned OM in this context.

 

Whether W is telling the truth or not, the damage to trust is massive when the omissions are massive. W is likely omitting any details she doesn't want to tell to her family as well. Same as lying.

 

I am now considering exposure to at least part of W's family. I'm a patient man, was a great partner for W given her personality. But W just doesn't get it.

 

Doing my best on all of this, never expected to be here. I don't have any good choices. Yes, I can find someone else to date, but given my age and the young kids I can't really start over. Just patch together whatever I can for the rest of my life.

[aliveagain]

Expose the affair to those that influence over her. Change your banking, make the affair a difficult place to be in. I guess you own half her business or at least the merchandise. You need to talk to a lawyer. You can't force her or nice her into staying in a relationship with you. Sometimes you just need to let them go.

[silicone]

I am somewhat stymied by W's actions. W separated from me when she told me about OM. She likely wants me to storm out and give her a quick and easy ending. I will not be moving out. Despite her cocky swagger in all of this, she seems reluctant to actually move out and is still sleeping on the couch. Even if I made a move to kick her out, she would still need to be here for childcare, so it doesn't seem worth the effort.

 

Stand your ground.

 

Someone needs to care about the kids. W has a breezy attitude about what will happen to the children. We had a fine marriage before W's actions, we both should be fighting to save it. Even if W tries to reconcile at some point, I can reject her then because she likely can't manage the necessary attitude adjustment.

You must provide for your children. They must remain safe.

 

I confronted W about the checks she wrote OM. She said they were for antiques. According to her, OM has been giving her massive help with a new booth she opened at her mall, and this was payment for all of the furniture he bought. This is the first time W has EVER mentioned OM in this context.

 

Protect yourself and document. She is at this moment in time only legally tied to you, not emotionally. Do not trust her.

 

Whether W is telling the truth or not, the damage to trust is massive when the omissions are massive. W is likely omitting any details she doesn't want to tell to her family as well. Same as lying.

Trickle truth.

 

I am now considering exposure to at least part of W's family. I'm a patient man, was a great partner for W given her personality. But W just doesn't get it.

That is one way to allow her to make her final decision.

 

Doing my best on all of this, never expected to be here. I don't have any good choices. Yes, I can find someone else to date, but given my age and the young kids I can't really start over. Just patch together whatever I can for the rest of my life.

 

How old are you again? You'll always have choices. Trust me.

[Striver]

Expose the affair to those that influence over her. Change your banking, make the affair a difficult place to be in. I guess you own half her business or at least the merchandise. You need to talk to a lawyer. You can't force her or nice her into staying in a relationship with you. Sometimes you just need to let them go.

 

W has tuned out what I say and do either way. She doesn't care that my friends and family hate her. W's family is all that's left. I expect she is being selective in what she is telling them.

 

I'll start with W's sister this week. She seems easiest. Go on from there. I don't think W is listening to her parents right now, only her cousin. I need to shake up this dynamic where W is an amoral POS. Whatever happens. A mature woman casually walking away from a marriage with children without warning for another man is abhorrent.

 

Most of W's family has been good to me; that's why I've hesitated getting involved. If I wait, W will just say we've tried (NOT) and it's time to quit. Can't let that happen.

[2sunny]

Simply stated - you aren't taking enough action.

 

She's not paying attention to words. She might pay attention when she's served divorce papers.

[Striver]

How old are you again? You'll always have choices. Trust me.

 

I'm 49. 3 kids between 4 and 6.

 

I'm smart, kind, have varied interests, stay in shape, and look younger than my age. But. The kids are too young and too numerous for that not to be a major factor for a while. They're too young to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm too old to bide my time for a few years until the kids get older.

 

I have only ever known a couple of people who remarried this late in life. They were widowers. For one, his kids were much older. The other one had another kid with his second wife. I have enough kids already, and we'd need to do in vitro, which I can't justify. So I can't offer that.

 

I was single for years; I don't need to find myself. Only an eight year marriage for an old guy, and seemingly good until W decided to not communicate and then checked out. So as it's going down, I've really learned nothing, since I couldn't have known. I guess I've learned I can be a good husband, but so what? It wasn't enough.

 

I suppose I should have trust issues, but I'm not sure I have time to indulge them. Just figure on bad luck of the draw.

 

I suppose I would need to find some angle where I feel safer than this one turned out. Just not assume that because she came from a good family and seems solid that the morals are all there. I will try, but I will probably be one that wants to move on fairly quickly. Not that unusual.

[Striver]

Simply stated - you aren't taking enough action.

 

She's not paying attention to words. She might pay attention when she's served divorce papers.

 

She might want that though. I think she wants me to be the bad guy.

 

Even with the 8 years and 3 kids I deserve an annulment. The unilateral leaving without trying for a guy she knew before me; kind of seems like she was lying to me from Day One.