I miss him

[MayP]

 

Nice song- Almost lover

Dedicated to all foolish women like myself.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I thought I was over him. I thought I saw him as he was. I convinced myself he was a jerk. Yet, even still. A month and I am still crying for him. It all came back a couple days ago. Missing him, wanting to contact him even though he doesn't care for me, even though there is no future. I miss him and I love him and he couldn't care less and I ache,

Edited June 28, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[whichwayisup]

I thought I was over him. I thought I saw him as he was. I convinced myself he was a jerk. Yet, even still. A month and I am still crying for him. It all came back a couple days ago. Missing him, wanting to contact him even though he doesn't care for me, even though there is no future. I miss him and I love him and he couldn't care less and I ache,

 

I sent you a PM with those links.

 

Every time you want to contact him, don't. Post here or read the NC guide sticky in the coping section.

 

This will take time to work through and for you to totally detach and not feel so much. You'll have some bad days (like today) and many good days so just try not to let yourself get too down or beat yourself up that you're still hurting.

[chelsea2011]

Don't worry. You will get beyond it soon. Stay the course and you will be fine. It's okay to feel vulnerable at times while you go through the process.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thanks you two. This is helpful. I am crying daily for the past 4 days, including this morning. I thought I was beyond that.

[sisa]

I was pretty bad past few weeks, crying everyday when I was alone, and I can not sleep well every night. whole brain is MM...

 

last week I start doing exercise everyday, when I think about MM and I force myself do exercise, and it's really work, I get better now.

 

when you miss MM, do exercise, sweat is much better than tears.

[MayP]

Same situation. Miss him, cried. He never left my thoughts.

I have been working out too. Just want myself to look better, feel better. On quieter days, I have plenty of self doubt. Am I ugly, too fat, not good enough? I don't have many in my love life. I feel so bad because we have known each other for years, 5 years and always felt the connection. We didn't make it known until distance took us apart.

[jwi71]

Thanks you two. This is helpful. I am crying daily for the past 4 days, including this morning. I thought I was beyond that.

 

Why CMOW?

What prompts the tears?

 

What in you, is doing this to yourself?

 

You DESERVE better.

 

And yes, its a real question....

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

We only had an emotional/virtual sexual affair. It was all online. I fell passionately in love with him. He was more confused and scared than I was. Finally he was telling me he loved me too. I got tired of the back and forth and pushed him away by acting wild in the end. Ultimately he loved his wife enough and didn't want to hurt me anymore. After only four months we ended it with a bit or contact for a few months after, but mostly angry from my end.

 

It has been four months since we ended and more recently he removed all of his public persona profiles, his Facebook, his art website, his email, and his Pinterest page which he had at least 10,000 followers. I have seen people create public pins asking where he has gone to and that they miss him.

 

It kills me. It kills me that because of our affair he stopped with public art persona.

 

I miss the hell out of him. I want to tell him but I can't that I am so sorry for any role I played in pushing him to hide. I love Him. I thought the tears were gone.

 

I feel so rejected, I feel like he never got to know the real, funny, loveable me. I didn't have it in me to show him that, I was so sad the entire time. I loved him and we could never be together. I knew this. So I wept almost daily between the moments of euphoria and extreme desire. I frankly hadn't felt like that for anyone in my adult life.

 

Everything I created I created with him as my muse. I feel so lost.

 

Someday he will die and I won't know. Someday I will die and he won't care.

 

I will never meet him, I will never be able to talk to him again and I am going to have to live the rest of my life knowing that,

Edited September 27, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[Bittersweetie]

CMOW, I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. It is difficult when relationships end and normal to grieve. However, it has been four months, and maybe instead of waiting to move forward, you need to actively move forward? It is a choice. I said in another thread, it's easy to give in and drink a glass of wine and be wistful. It's more difficult to focus those thoughts and energies elsewhere. I hope you can find the strength to focus on moving forward.

 

I do think that a virtual relationship can be harder to move from. My first round with xOM was pretty much all online. And even though we talked about tons of stuff, there's still so much I didn't know about him. So I projected onto him what I wanted and needed then, making him the perfect man. Then I fell for that perfect man. Later, when I got to see him and know him better, I saw more. But I was still so attached to that persona I'd created for him. I'm not sure if this may be part of why it is so difficult for you.

 

Also, try to stop thinking things like:

 

 

Everything I created I created with him as my muse. I feel so lost.

 

Someday he will die and I won't know. Someday I will die and he won't care.

 

I will never meet him, I will never be able to talk to him again and I am going to have to live the rest of my life knowing that,

 

 

It's like you're wallowing. You are stronger and better than that. Move forward.

[JustJoe]

Thank you. And yes. I think he really started to get scared when love started entering the picture. I believe he did start to fall for me. But He knew he couldn't leave his wife, he was dedicated to her and hated not being a good husband. He ultimately didn't want to sleep with me and then leave me broken (it was an EA not a PA, but with us longing for it to be physical desperately) I know him pulling away was to leave less broken pieces all over, but frankly, it just makes me miss and love him more. He painfully did what was right, I begged and begged him to block me and he didn't want to, but finally and while distraught, he finally did and it stabbed both of us in the heart. And I miss him every darn day.

 

Yes, I should be thankful, but I can't imagine when or how I will ever get over him,

This makes me feel really sorry for your husband. I wonder what would happen if you showed him this post? Do you respect him at all?

[bestplayer]

This makes me feel really sorry for your husband. I wonder what would happen if you showed him this post? Do you respect him at all?

 

I agree ,OP's posts do make you feel sorry for her H. Its so unfair that he has to live in a M like this where his W continues to be so consumed by her lover.

I think , OM or not, OP needs to let her H go.

[Pinklotus]

I'm going to be harsh. As harsh with you as I have been with myself.

 

Stop it. Stop this dramatic wallowing in self-pity. You sound like a teenager. You don't know this man. What you do know of him is clearly not good. Oh, he lost his following? Isn't that just too freaking bad. Maybe if he hadn't engaged in such inappropriate behavior with you, his life and yours would be sailing along quite smoothly.

 

Focus on your marriage. Go to individual and marital counseling. You won't know if your marriage is worth saving until you detach from this vampire, as you called him a few posts back, and figure out what went wrong with you and with your marriage.

 

Stay strong and do not contact!

 

 

 

 

 

 

We only had an emotional/virtual sexual affair. It was all online. I fell passionately in love with him. He was more confused and scared than I was. Finally he was telling me he loved me too. I got tired of the back and forth and pushed him away by acting wild in the end. Ultimately he loved his wife enough and didn't want to hurt me anymore. After only four months we ended it with a bit or contact for a few months after, but mostly angry from my end.

 

It has been four months since we ended and more recently he removed all of his public persona profiles, his Facebook, his art website, his email, and his Pinterest page which he had at least 10,000 followers. I have seen people create public pins asking where he has gone to and that they miss him.

 

It kills me. It kills me that because of our affair he stopped with public art persona.

 

I miss the hell out of him. I want to tell him but I can't that I am so sorry for any role I played in pushing him to hide. I love Him. I thought the tears were gone.

 

I feel so rejected, I feel like he never got to know the real, funny, loveable me. I didn't have it in me to show him that, I was so sad the entire time. I loved him and we could never be together. I knew this. So I wept almost daily between the moments of euphoria and extreme desire. I frankly hadn't felt like that for anyone in my adult life.

 

Everything I created I created with him as my muse. I feel so lost.

 

Someday he will die and I won't know. Someday I will die and he won't care.

 

I will never meet him, I will never be able to talk to him again and I am going to have to live the rest of my life knowing that,

[Owl]

We only had an emotional/virtual sexual affair. It was all online. I fell passionately in love with him. He was more confused and scared than I was. Finally he was telling me he loved me too. I got tired of the back and forth and pushed him away by acting wild in the end. Ultimately he loved his wife enough and didn't want to hurt me anymore. After only four months we ended it with a bit or contact for a few months after, but mostly angry from my end.

 

It has been four months since we ended and more recently he removed all of his public persona profiles, his Facebook, his art website, his email, and his Pinterest page which he had at least 10,000 followers. I have seen people create public pins asking where he has gone to and that they miss him.

 

It kills me. It kills me that because of our affair he stopped with public art persona.

 

I miss the hell out of him. I want to tell him but I can't that I am so sorry for any role I played in pushing him to hide. I love Him. I thought the tears were gone.

 

I feel so rejected, I feel like he never got to know the real, funny, loveable me. I didn't have it in me to show him that, I was so sad the entire time. I loved him and we could never be together. I knew this. So I wept almost daily between the moments of euphoria and extreme desire. I frankly hadn't felt like that for anyone in my adult life.

 

Everything I created I created with him as my muse. I feel so lost.

 

Someday he will die and I won't know. Someday I will die and he won't care.

 

I will never meet him, I will never be able to talk to him again and I am going to have to live the rest of my life knowing that,

 

CMOW, I read your post on another thread, and this caused me to come back and look at this one.

 

I'm curious...what does your husband know at this stage? What are you doing to repair/reconcile/end that relationship?

 

It's interesting to me in some ways...your story parallels my wife's situation 10 years ago quite closely. If you've not read my ages old thread from 2004, you might do so. It could give you some tremendous insight.

[Owl]

And...I'm going to echo what Pinklotus said with some of the very same discussions I had with my wife back in our "time of troubles" when she was still very much caught up in her online EA, with a man that she'd never met face to face.

 

She wasn't in love with 'him'. (Nor are you in love with 'him').

 

She was in love with her PERCEPTION of him. She was in love with who she thought he was...what he allowed to see of himself, through that window of internet/text/phone conversations.

 

She refused to beleive me at first. INSISTED that I was wrong. I didn't have a clue what I was talking about.

 

She'd never spent any time with him other than online or on the phone. Refused to consider the massive evidence that I saw in his posts of alcohol issues, and that he smoked heavily (she's extremely allergic to cigarette smoke). She was all set to fly away and live with this man after d-day.

 

What she didn't know about him would fill volumes. But she couldn't see that because she was caught up in limerance.

 

It took her a long time to recognize the dangerous situation she'd put herself into...that she was placing her entire life, her entire future, in the hands of someone she'd met through online gaming and had no REAL first hand experience with at all.

 

I've not read how much you've interacted with your xOM in person...but I'd bet that it wasn't enough to truly have anything more than a 'perception' of him.

 

My wife filled in all those gaps with her fantasy of what she wanted him to be...and couldn't distinguish between which parts were true, and which were filler. I'd suspect you likely did a lot of the same.

 

My advice to you would be to work now to resolve your marriage, one way or another. Focus on fixing it...or ending it.

[hello234]

I didn't read all the posts in this forum, but maybe it is not too late to save your dignity. You went crazy, lost your cool , kept emailing him, now you have learnt a lesson and it has dawned on you that , even though the vent may make you feel good momentarily, in the end, it will just make him like you less and you sacrifice your dignity.

 

WHy don't you just send him one last, mature email.. telling him that you are not looking to be in any relation with him, that you are letting him go..wish him the best.. be calm, sound modest.. This may also make you feel better and get closure..if I were you, that is what I would do.. I never loose my cool with MM, I am always calm and soft with him and he even thinks so..no matter how much jealousy or anger I feel, I have never yelled at him or done anything of the sort and he really likes that..

 

So if you want closure, send him a final email.. wish him the best..tell him you are letting it all go.. sorry you lost ur cool and cursed at him.. and I know it will be hard, but wish him a great life with his wife...and tell him that you are not going to contact him again and that you are not interested in pursuing him. Trust me.. this will make you look good and you will feel better.