I miss him

[gettingstronger]

Oh my dear, please stop making excuses for him-taking all the blame and wallowing in what YOU did wrong-I have acted wildly inappropriately with my husband and he never said "I'm done"- he knows full well that he helped create the crazy insecure person I was at that time-

 

I think its great you own up to your short comings but you beat yourself over the head with them and act like there was not a situation created by BOTH of you that contributed to it-

 

See this person for what he is- someone that got involved in a situation he could not handle and bailed out-

 

Be kind and gentle to you- maybe once you forgive yourself you will let go of the illusion of this person-

 

Good luck and hang in there-

[WasOtherWoman]

Oh my dear, please stop making excuses for him-taking all the blame and wallowing in what YOU did wrong-I have acted wildly inappropriately with my husband and he never said "I'm done"- he knows full well that he helped create the crazy insecure person I was at that time-

 

I think its great you own up to your short comings but you beat yourself over the head with them and act like there was not a situation created by BOTH of you that contributed to it-

 

See this person for what he is- someone that got involved in a situation he could not handle and bailed out-

 

Be kind and gentle to you- maybe once you forgive yourself you will let go of the illusion of this person-

 

Good luck and hang in there-

 

Saying this gently, but there is a HUGE amount of truth to what Gettingstronger just said. You need to stop second guessing yourself.. you reacted how you reacted.

 

Honestly, the only thing that is going to make you feel any better is time. I know that is hard to believe, but time does heal everything.

 

You know in your heart that it would NOT be a good thing for you to remain friends with this man. Not for you, not for him, and not for either one of your spouses. I KNOW it is hard to let go.. I do. But you have to. If nothing else for your own sanity....

[Lucygolds]

Yes, I can see that. For me it is just that I was rather cruel at the end. I was a wild obsessive animal. Contacting non stop. He tried gently to stop me from doing it but enjoyed me a lot so didn't want to cut off completely. I think I scared the crap out of him. He didn't know me all that well, I could have ended up on his doorstep and confronting him and his wife. He tolerated it rather well for a while because he was feely strongly, but he felt that I wasn't a patient person. And he was right. I had never cheated before, never believed in affairs so the entire scenario was a shock to my system to fall in love with someone else. I had never considered polyamory before him. It is why I felt like I was in jail and losing my head over it. So I lost my head often. I was crying for most of the 4 months. I felt like I met someone that made me feel like I hadn't felt in years. Everyone tries to discredit it because it was a Virtual connection. But he and I had so many similarities. Same interest in art, music etc, we just had fun overall and were a support for each other, a great friend.

 

I simply don't look at him in such a negative light. He told me from the beginning that he would never leave his wife who he said he loved very much. He never wanted her to be hurt.

 

But as a friend, I miss his friendship and part of me doesn't need to know that he misses me (although I hope he does) but more so that he forgives and understands my cruelty. I don't want to start he romance again, it was too painful.:

 

I miss my exMOM as a friend as well. I miss him being a part of my life. Before we started our A, and maybe it was already an EA of sorts, we saw each other at least once a week maybe twice in spin class. We would say hi and smile and that progressed to small talk and then non stop talking. At that point I thought about switching spin classes. Doing what I could to avoid him. I simply could not....I needed him to be a part of my life no matter how little. The day we first exchanged emails he had said the same thing to me, " I really want you to be a part of my life, even if it is only emails and gym time. "

 

I know, for me, I can never go back. I miss him so much but, we can no longer be friends. We have been and still are connected in such a intimate way. If he were to ask to be friends....it would not be long before it was back to the same old. I know that the pain of going back would hurt more than the pain I feel now. As long as we both are still married we can never belong to one another.

 

So really, can you be just friends? I suppose some people can do that but the the question is can you? If it would make you feel better, send an email saying you are sorry for being so mean in the end. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

 

I once sent a letter to an ex. The night we broke up, I spent an hour telling him why I hated him and why he was and ass. His last words to me were, " I still love you." About a month later, I sent a letter saying I was sorry for all the things I said and wrote a list of reasons why I loved him. He never responded and when we ran into one another after that we ignored each other.

 

It hurt but, at least I said my peace. He was an ass and now I have no feelings towards him at all.

 

I will also echo what others have said, yes you may of acted a little crazy but, do not beat yourself up. He was part of the relationship. He started things up with you and then got scared. He did not man up and just say he wanted out. He kept you on a string, just in case. We all have times when we have gone a little crazy over a man's actions....

[Popsicle]

ConfusedmarriedOW, NC did not work for me. I tried it for 5 months and it didn't work. It made me unhappy. I am happier in low contact (very LC). MM never wanted NC and always wanted LC, so I guess we are both happier with it. If I were you, I would try reaching out to him and apologizing like you said and offering a calmer friendship. Maybe he'll want it too, maybe not, but you have to be prepared for whatever he says or if he doesn't respond.

[MatchStick]

I miss talking to my xMM. I feel terribly about how it ended. He asked for space, so I am giving it. But I think he may be angry at me, I won't know because he doesn't talk to me.

?

Hi ConfusedMarriedWoman,

I read this last post, and a few others of yours. Yes, my xMM said the same things about deeply loving me and not saying I Love You without thought. Later, I realized his choice of words came ever so much carefully than his actions.....no real desire on his part to REALLY leave his marriage. Now, that came easy!

 

Anyway, your behavior is consistent with the kind of emotional stress you've been under. Considerate of his needs....really?! When his situation with you will be, as long as he's married, on HIS terms?

I left my MM for many reasons. One being him and his flipflopping round. It was bringing out the worst in me. I hear your xMM playing "which cookie tastes better" when trying to see if he is going to bond with his wife or no. Really! If he doesn't know where he's 'at', he's not going to really know where he's 'at' with you. My concern for you, and it was for me, you are being set-up for the being the Fallback Girl.

Another reason to leave my xMM, emotions too and missing him too, the relation wasn't making progress. Where was the increase in openness and being together? How about meeting families, sharing Xmas, purchasing the vacation home......all that. And yet another, is that whatever ya-ya, let's do this or that, it was all hot air He was in no position to follow thru on his plays, and of course, folded like a cheap suit when W made demands. I would recommend that you think about what you want in a relationship, what kind of progress you'd like to see with MM, and consider NC until he is divorced/single, ink dry, squared off with the events and his participation in his dangling marriage. Just FYI, I've decided NC forever. Good luck.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

ConfusedmarriedOW, NC did not work for me. I tried it for 5 months and it didn't work. It made me unhappy. I am happier in low contact (very LC). MM never wanted NC and always wanted LC, so I guess we are both happier with it. If I were you, I would try reaching out to him and apologizing like you said and offering a calmer friendship. Maybe he'll want it too, maybe not, but you have to be prepared for whatever he says or if he doesn't respond.

 

Thank you. In spite of what everyone says, I am leaning in this direction too, this lack of closure and never being able to talk at all is what gets to me the most. If he ignores me than what can I do? I will just carry on as I have been.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I can see your point in this. The only thing though is it doesn't matter what he wants in our relationship because until we are both single, at this point I can't go down that road with him. What I want is to be able to at least contact him once and a while, have it be friendly and have him confirm that he forgives and understands why I acted like I did. An apology would be nice. But hmmm maybe he is a bit of an ass because he doesn't seem to dole out apologies very easily :/

 

 

Hi ConfusedMarriedWoman,

I read this last post, and a few others of yours. Yes, my xMM said the same things about deeply loving me and not saying I Love You without thought. Later, I realized his choice of words came ever so much carefully than his actions.....no real desire on his part to REALLY leave his marriage. Now, that came easy!

 

Anyway, your behavior is consistent with the kind of emotional stress you've been under. Considerate of his needs....really?! When his situation with you will be, as long as he's married, on HIS terms?

I left my MM for many reasons. One being him and his flipflopping round. It was bringing out the worst in me. I hear your xMM playing "which cookie tastes better" when trying to see if he is going to bond with his wife or no. Really! If he doesn't know where he's 'at', he's not going to really know where he's 'at' with you. My concern for you, and it was for me, you are being set-up for the being the Fallback Girl.

Another reason to leave my xMM, emotions too and missing him too, the relation wasn't making progress. Where was the increase in openness and being together? How about meeting families, sharing Xmas, purchasing the vacation home......all that. And yet another, is that whatever ya-ya, let's do this or that, it was all hot air He was in no position to follow thru on his plays, and of course, folded like a cheap suit when W made demands. I would recommend that you think about what you want in a relationship, what kind of progress you'd like to see with MM, and consider NC until he is divorced/single, ink dry, squared off with the events and his participation in his dangling marriage. Just FYI, I've decided NC forever. Good luck.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Just to be clear, I don't want to reignite the relationship. I just want friendliness,understanding and kindness. Friendship only. No romance. But who knows, maybe romance would be inevitable, I still love him in some respect.

[Popsicle]

Thank you. In spite of what everyone says, I am leaning in this direction too, this lack of closure and never being able to talk at all is what gets to me the most. If he ignores me than what can I do? I will just carry on as I have been.

 

I felt the same way and reached out it and it worked for me. Now we are very LC friends. I am grateful.

I have to be honest though, I have seen cases where it didn't work. That will be and is crushing. But at least you've tried. Like you said, you are feeling miserable now already, so it can't get any worse.

 

I caution you to gather your strength/control though and be a very good girl and just be his platonic friend and that's it (assuming he accepts). If you don't, then you will have nothing at all with him.

Edited June 3, 2014 by Popsicle

[gettingstronger]

I caution you to gather your strength/control though and be a very good girl and just be his platonic friend and that's it (assuming he accepts). If you don't, then you will have nothing at all with him.

 

Said without malice or judgement because I was tempted to be a "good girl" in the early days of reconciliation but I decided hiding who I am and what I feel is not only deceitful, its unhealthy and not sustainable- now, not going nuts and showing some maturity and restraint is never a bad thing but being who he wants you to be rather than who you need to be is not the best choice-

I would be remiss not to mention that this person makes you act and feel in a way you do not like- wouldn't your time and energy be better spent on a more fulfilling relationship?

Edited June 3, 2014 by gettingstronger

[Popsicle]

I caution you to gather your strength/control though and be a very good girl and just be his platonic friend and that's it (assuming he accepts). If you don't, then you will have nothing at all with him.

 

Said without malice or judgement because I was tempted to be a "good girl" in the early days of reconciliation but I decided hiding who I am and what I feel is not only deceitful, its unhealthy and not sustainable- now, not going nuts and showing some maturity and restraint is never a bad thing but being who he wants you to be rather than who you need to be is not the best choice-

I would be remiss not to mention that this person makes you act and feel in a way you do not like- wouldn't your time and energy be better spent on a more fulfilling relationship?

 

Well, that was your husband, and we can't always have what we want, but you can because he is your husband and yours by law. So, really, you should be able to act how you want with him. She, on the other hand, can not have him and it's a good lesson to learn how to interact sporadically and in a mature way with things/people she can not have. And, yes, a single OW should see other people that leads to a more fulfilling relationship. She is not single though so she should be seeking a more intimate relationship with her husband.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Well, that was your husband, and we can't always have what we want, but you can because he is your husband and yours by law. So, really, you should be able to act how you want with him. She, on the other hand, can not have him and it's a good lesson to learn how to interact sporadically and in a mature way with things/people she can not have. And, yes, a single OW should see other people that leads to a more fulfilling relationship. She is not single though so she should be seeking a more intimate relationship with her husband.

 

And frankly, I am thankful for the space this has created in order for me to reconnect with the husband.

 

If this nagging sensation of a messy ending could go away.

 

I am not sure how I will handle it all, so I am not just jumping back into contact lightly. I still need time to heal. But in the meantime I suffer. I hope to contact him when I am not suffering anymore

[whichwayisup]

Just to be clear, I don't want to reignite the relationship. I just want friendliness,understanding and kindness. Friendship only. No romance. But who knows, maybe romance would be inevitable, I still love him in some respect.

 

It's impossible to have that friendship once the lines have been crossed and an innocent friendship isn't that anymore. It would still be romance in your heart and an emotional affair. It would do damage to you, to him and to his marriage.

 

I have an excellent link for you to read but won't post it here. I'll PM you if your account is ready for private messages.

[gettingstronger]

I disagree, don't care if you're single, married, BS, WS or OW it's not a good lesson to teach yourself to be someone you're not just to be part of someone's life. If they are so toxic to your soul that you are willing to martyr yourself like that, you need to run, and quickly. My husband is my husband because we choose to be together , not because of anything legal. I'm unsure what that even meant. I could also legally divorce him if I found being with him meant I had to be someone I don't like being. OP, please stay true to you and continue your path to healing. Peace.

[Snowflower]

And frankly, I am thankful for the space this has created in order for me to reconnect with the husband.

 

 

You've said little here about your H and your marriage which leads me to believe you aren't thinking much about either.

 

But, isn't it interesting that since you can no longer give MM so much time that you've found it easier to reconnect with your husband? And please, don't say "the husband." Like it or not, he is your husband. Using "the" instead of "your" diminishes him as a person to the person who uses the term.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

You've said little here about your H and your marriage which leads me to believe you aren't thinking much about either.

 

But, isn't it interesting that since you can no longer give MM so much time that you've found it easier to reconnect with your husband? And please, don't say "the husband." Like it or not, he is your husband. Using "the" instead of "your" diminishes him as a person to the person who uses the term.

 

Holy moly, you are analyzing "the" and "your" husband in my statement? Is it even worth it talking to you about that since you seem so biased to find fault with even simple wording?

 

No comment and off topic.

[learning_slowly]

Why are men able to do this? Do they just not love as much?

 

I think men and women are equal in this respect. Its not a gender differential. It just depends on their upbringing and genes.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I disagree, don't care if you're single, married, BS, WS or OW it's not a good lesson to teach yourself to be someone you're not just to be part of someone's life. If they are so toxic to your soul that you are willing to martyr yourself like that, you need to run, and quickly. My husband is my husband because we choose to be together , not because of anything legal. I'm unsure what that even meant. I could also legally divorce him if I found being with him meant I had to be someone I don't like being. OP, please stay true to you and continue your path to healing. Peace.

 

I do think that healing and moving on is a great way and if I am banging my head against the wall with a person that doesn't want me there how this could seem like barking up the wrong tree.

 

Me sending an apology letter for how I acted isn't an attempt to reignite any romance, it is for closure on my end. He and I should have never crossed that line and I wish we hadn't, he could have been such a nice friend to have.

 

But, it is very true that perhaps I can't actually handle it? I do think I can handle low contact without it effecting me too much? I would hope so. It seems to work for Popsicle.

[Snowflower]

Holy moly, you are analyzing "the" and "your" husband in my statement? Is it even worth it talking to you about that since you seem so biased to find fault with even simple wording?

 

No comment and off topic.

 

My apologies if I offended you, why is that?

 

I was just trying to give you food for thought in how you viewed your husband. I was sincerely trying to help you but I guess my efforts fell short.

 

I wasn't criticizing your word choice but I was wondering about why you used "the" instead of "my" when referring to your husband. Most people will refer to their SO as "my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend" etc.

 

I will bow out of your thread. Best of luck to you.

[Popsicle]

I disagree, don't care if you're single, married, BS, WS or OW it's not a good lesson to teach yourself to be someone you're not just to be part of someone's life. If they are so toxic to your soul that you are willing to martyr yourself like that, you need to run, and quickly. My husband is my husband because we choose to be together , not because of anything legal. I'm unsure what that even meant. I could also legally divorce him if I found being with him meant I had to be someone I don't like being. OP, please stay true to you and continue your path to healing. Peace.

 

She's said she wants to be his friend so she wouldn't be pretending.

 

Confusedmarried OW, just to add something, I have not had sex with my MM, so that might make it a little easier for us to be friends.

[Popsicle]

I think men and women are equal in this respect. Its not a gender differential. It just depends on their upbringing and genes.

 

Totally true.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

It's impossible to have that friendship once the lines have been crossed and an innocent friendship isn't that anymore. It would still be romance in your heart and an emotional affair. It would do damage to you, to him and to his marriage.

 

I have an excellent link for you to read but won't post it here. I'll PM you if your account is ready for private messages.

 

 

I would be more than happy to read this article if you want to send it my way. Thank you.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

She's said she wants to be his friend so she wouldn't be pretending.

 

Confusedmarried OW, just to add something, I have not had sex with my MM, so that might make it a little easier for us to be friends.

 

 

Yes, you are correct. If we had sex I think I would have been even more attached. But we talked sex A LOT. He showed himself to me etc.. I know what he looks like without clothing on.

 

We spent entire days talking sex, it got to the point of where I felt like we did have sex. So vulnerability was shared between both of us which I think is where intimacy stems from.

 

I do feel like I will always have feelings for him in some way? I guess...

 

But that is mostly because I felt more for him than I did for almost anyone in my life. I don't know what I will do. I don't know if friendship will be easy for me, I am going to let this sit for a while until I am more clear.

 

 

THanks for all the input everyone.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I tried to be his friend, he agreed but hardly kept up contact, he simply doesn't care enough to be a friend. I think it was the sex talk that kept him interested. I was misunderstanding our closeness all along.

 

I finally blocked his email and Pinterest account. I said a final goodbye. And now I have to move on and forget him as a friend. It hurt, but it has to happen, I can no longer dedicate any more tears for this man.

[jwi71]

I tried to be his friend, he agreed but hardly kept up contact, he simply doesn't care enough to be a friend. I think it was the sex talk that kept him interested. I was misunderstanding our closeness all along.

 

I finally blocked his email and Pinterest account. I said a final goodbye. And now I have to move on and forget him as a friend. It hurt, but it has to happen, I can no longer dedicate any more tears for this man.

 

This is a MASSIVE step - it takes COURAGE to do so.

 

Keep going - don't quit when it gets hard - when its hard and difficult and uncomfortable and uneasy - KEEP going - its how you grow.

 

Good for you. Its a good, healthy step.