I miss him

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

This is a MASSIVE step - it takes COURAGE to do so.

 

Keep going - don't quit when it gets hard - when its hard and difficult and uncomfortable and uneasy - KEEP going - its how you grow.

 

Good for you. Its a good, healthy step.

 

Thank you, I cried the entire time, but I can't have him have the upper hand over and over. Not anymore. I always handed him my puppet strings and sometimes he would play them and sometimes he didn't even care enough to even give a small tug. He certainly didn't care about me like he professed. He absolutely can't love me. It hurts to realize this, it most definitely has hurt my self esteem because I kept going back to him vulnerable and kind. It will take a long time to build myself back again. But hopefully never speaking to him again will cause this change.

 

What is enraging is that although I have him blocked on Pinterest he is still showing up as suggested pins and the brutal part is it is only the pins he is pinning for his wife? The clothing he wants her to wear?

 

Out of his 60k pins and 200 folders, only the pins for his wife are shown to me even with him blocked? that one little folder? Wth. I don't want to seem paranoid but it is just too coincidental.

Edited June 12, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[whichwayisup]

I tried to be his friend, he agreed but hardly kept up contact, he simply doesn't care enough to be a friend. I think it was the sex talk that kept him interested. I was misunderstanding our closeness all along.

 

I finally blocked his email and Pinterest account. I said a final goodbye. And now I have to move on and forget him as a friend. It hurt, but it has to happen, I can no longer dedicate any more tears for this man.

 

Good for you for blocking him.

 

Give yourself a certain amount of time each day to cry and grieve, then wipe your tears, wash your face and go on about your day. He isn't crying over you, thinking and wondering what you're doing or feeling so keep that in mind any time you feel yourself wasting too much time in your head about him.

 

He isn't worth it.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Good for you for blocking him.

 

Give yourself a certain amount of time each day to cry and grieve, then wipe your tears, wash your face and go on about your day. He isn't crying over you, thinking and wondering what you're doing or feeling so keep that in mind any time you feel yourself wasting too much time in your head about him.

 

He isn't worth it.

 

Thank you

 

wish knowing he doesn't care somehow make me care less when in fact this fact stabs me.

 

But at least I am starting to be angry. So the tears have turned to hatred.

 

When I am finally out from under this tedious job that leaves too much to think , I will have freedom to actually grow myself and distract from what happened. I hope to employ some mental tricks that stop my thoughts.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I loved MM like never in my life have I loved so much, two weeks no contact after six years!!! I'm starting to realise I'm a better person than him. He's still lying and he let BS think I was crazy to save his skin, even telling me to leave him alone in front of BS when it was him that wanted to meet up the next day!!! Making me out to be mad actually made me MAD and it was like dealing with two different people. The man I saw in front of BS was pathetic, even ugly, controlled by BS..... Like his mummy. Ugh. I'm not saying all BS are like that but at that moment I hated him so much. He destroyed that person I thought I loved...like he died and I'm grieving crying like a baby

 

Although my scenario is a touch different thank yours, mine was much much shorter, it wasn't physical etc.. Strangely enough it hit me pretty hard, just like with you. At the time I didn't think that I loved anyone as much as him and if I reflect on it (I don't really allow myself to too much atm) I think that I DID love him more than I ever had. But I was in love with a fantasy. He was never mine. I think that affairs suspend half love relationships in this fantasy realm for the length that they exist. You are never really their partner. You are always an excited second partner.

 

As far as how these men are under the thumb of the wife and then toss the person they proclaim to love under the bus the moment it is wife vs. mistress baffles me. I don't really care what everyone says here about promises made to the wife. The moment a man is pushes another woman to be vulnerable in front of him, IMO he owes it to that woman to be honest and courteous to her as well. He broke down her barriers like in a real relationship. HE OWES IT TO HER to be kind in the end. He should have thrown HIMSELF under the bus and let you both eat him for dinner. Or even more mature apologize to both.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I loved MM like never in my life have I loved so much, two weeks no contact after six years!!! I'm starting to realise I'm a better person than him. He's still lying and he let BS think I was crazy to save his skin, even telling me to leave him alone in front of BS when it was him that wanted to meet up the next day!!! Making me out to be mad actually made me MAD and it was like dealing with two different people. The man I saw in front of BS was pathetic, even ugly, controlled by BS..... Like his mummy. Ugh. I'm not saying all BS are like that but at that moment I hated him so much. He destroyed that person I thought I loved...like he died and I'm grieving crying like a baby

 

OH! And the part where your xMM would do things that drove you insane and then he would call you out for being mad? That is exactly what my XMM would do. He would give me silence in return for real questions. And then I would write him long emails trying to understand his silence. THen the next day he would tell me he love me, or do something that was very loving or sexual and then I would get hooked back in and he would then pull away again when I would return the intimacy. So it was this back and forth thing daily. I cried daily for months not understanding what was up. I figured he was doing this because he was so tortured. And perhaps he was. But one thing was clear, he did not care about how much pain I was in in the way I did for him. I was always so careful to say I am sorry and to word things right.

 

I only over analyzed things and acted "crazy" because I was in a crazy making scenario. However, the long term damage is here. He has made me wonder now if I AM crazy. My self esteem is shot completely. I don't know how to have intimacy at all with even friends anymore. I don't have the energy.

[DKT3]

Time to accept responsibility for your own actions. You are also a married woman, and he wouldn't have been able to woo the unwilling.

 

With that said I do see you moving in the right direction. Stay strong you'll get through this.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Time to accept responsibility for your own actions. You are also a married woman, and he wouldn't have been able to woo the unwilling.

 

With that said I do see you moving in the right direction. Stay strong you'll get through this.

 

 

I never said I was unwilling. I was more than willing, I was negotiating, begging, wanting, wishing, desiring, longing, hoping, missing and self destructing.

 

 

I take responsibility for the fact that I couldn't see things clearly. That my need was so strong it blinded me. If the concern here is that I pay for being an "unfaithlful wife" I will pay for falling for him, trust me. The damage is long term and I don't know when or if I will heal.

 

Thanks so much, I know that this is at least more sobering and real than where I was. I wish the right direction didn't hurt so terribly.

[jwi71]

Thank you, I cried the entire time, but I can't have him have the upper hand over and over. Not anymore. I always handed him my puppet strings and sometimes he would play them and sometimes he didn't even care enough to even give a small tug. He certainly didn't care about me like he professed. He absolutely can't love me.

 

Consider this - do you think your MM was unaware of this?

Or do you think he knew exactly what he was doing?

Is one ANY better than the other?

 

It hurts to realize this, it most definitely has hurt my self esteem because I kept going back to him vulnerable and kind. It will take a long time to build myself back again. But hopefully never speaking to him again will cause this change.

 

Outstanding. You keep working, keep digging, keep exploring your own self.

Yeah, dark and scary places - we all have them - look, if I can do it you can too.

 

And here's the secret - YOU heal when you decide you are healed. These are YOUR emotions and YOUR heart. Nothing to be afraid or ashamed in the recesses of your heart. They, those feelings, like your MM, only have the power YOU give them. Do NOT be so afraid of them, this unknown and scary part of you, that you turn back. Thats the ONLY way to "lose". And even better, because its YOUR fear of YOURSELF, you have 100% control over it.

 

What is enraging is that although I have him blocked on Pinterest he is still showing up as suggested pins and the brutal part is it is only the pins he is pinning for his wife? The clothing he wants her to wear?

 

Out of his 60k pins and 200 folders, only the pins for his wife are shown to me even with him blocked? that one little folder? Wth. I don't want to seem paranoid but it is just too coincidental.

 

OH! And the part where your xMM would do things that drove you insane and then he would call you out for being mad? That is exactly what my XMM would do. He would give me silence in return for real questions. And then I would write him long emails trying to understand his silence. THen the next day he would tell me he love me, or do something that was very loving or sexual and then I would get hooked back in and he would then pull away again when I would return the intimacy. So it was this back and forth thing daily. I cried daily for months not understanding what was up. I figured he was doing this because he was so tortured. And perhaps he was. But one thing was clear, he did not care about how much pain I was in in the way I did for him. I was always so careful to say I am sorry and to word things right.

 

Read it again.

Its not tortured - its calculated.

Feeding himself by baiting the hook with silence and getting the outpourings of your heart. Because it made HIM feel special.

 

You pour out your heart and in return you get an "I love you", some pretty words and a dick pic.

 

(I hope that last bit made you laugh a bit).

 

I only over analyzed things and acted "crazy" because I was in a crazy making scenario.

 

Are crazy-makers good for your life?

 

However, the long term damage is here. He has made me wonder now if I AM crazy. My self esteem is shot completely. I don't know how to have intimacy at all with even friends anymore. I don't have the energy.

 

And this is the TRUE damage of A's.

I do not know you. But I HAVE seen this hundreds times here and on other boards. I PROMISE you its NOT TRUE. You are NOT crazy, you DESERVE love, and you CAN and SHOULD hold your head up high.

 

But - do NOT so easily place all blame on him. You get 50%.

Your job, is to dig into yourself, and find the WHY you walked this path.

What, missing in you, could only have been filled with A? And yes, I worded that correctly.

 

Do. Not. Quit. This. Fight. With. Yourself.

 

I promise, regardless of the outcome with your H, YOU emerge a BETTER person. And that is the goal.

 

I never said I was unwilling. I was more than willing, I was negotiating, begging, wanting, wishing, desiring, longing, hoping, missing and self destructing.

 

Yay!

Keep going.

I too have walked the same emotional path inside myself.

Every step gets easier - and then you realize there is nothing to fear, you accept yourself, love yourself - and what happens when you love yourself? You become open to the love of another.

 

I take responsibility for the fact that I couldn't see things clearly. That my need was so strong it blinded me. If the concern here is that I pay for being an "unfaithlful wife" I will pay for falling for him, trust me. The damage is long term and I don't know when or if I will heal.

 

Everyone has that doubt.

And the only price you pay is the sentence you give yourself.

I happen to think you will do just fine. Easy? Nope. But you have what it takes to get through this - and find that old (and now improved) you.

 

I wish the right direction didn't hurt so terribly.

 

If, in this journey, it hurts - its probably the right direction.

 

I don't give that many attaboys - or atta-girls I guess, but you get one.

 

Here, here's a bunny.

My third in 7 years on this board - don't you feel special?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Consider this - do you think your MM was unaware of this?

Or do you think he knew exactly what he was doing?

Is one ANY better than the other?

 

 

 

Outstanding. You keep working, keep digging, keep exploring your own self.

Yeah, dark and scary places - we all have them - look, if I can do it you can too.

 

And here's the secret - YOU heal when you decide you are healed. These are YOUR emotions and YOUR heart. Nothing to be afraid or ashamed in the recesses of your heart. They, those feelings, like your MM, only have the power YOU give them. Do NOT be so afraid of them, this unknown and scary part of you, that you turn back. Thats the ONLY way to "lose". And even better, because its YOUR fear of YOURSELF, you have 100% control over it.

 

What is enraging is that although I have him blocked on Pinterest he is still showing up as suggested pins and the brutal part is it is only the pins he is pinning for his wife? The clothing he wants her to wear?

 

Out of his 60k pins and 200 folders, only the pins for his wife are shown to me even with him blocked? that one little folder? Wth. I don't want to seem paranoid but it is just too coincidental.

 

 

 

Read it again.

Its not tortured - its calculated.

Feeding himself by baiting the hook with silence and getting the outpourings of your heart. Because it made HIM feel special.

 

You pour out your heart and in return you get an "I love you", some pretty words and a dick pic.

 

(I hope that last bit made you laugh a bit).

 

 

 

Are crazy-makers good for your life?

 

 

 

And this is the TRUE damage of A's.

I do not know you. But I HAVE seen this hundreds times here and on other boards. I PROMISE you its NOT TRUE. You are NOT crazy, you DESERVE love, and you CAN and SHOULD hold your head up high.

 

But - do NOT so easily place all blame on him. You get 50%.

Your job, is to dig into yourself, and find the WHY you walked this path.

What, missing in you, could only have been filled with A? And yes, I worded that correctly.

 

Do. Not. Quit. This. Fight. With. Yourself.

 

I promise, regardless of the outcome with your H, YOU emerge a BETTER person. And that is the goal.

 

 

 

Yay!

Keep going.

I too have walked the same emotional path inside myself.

Every step gets easier - and then you realize there is nothing to fear, you accept yourself, love yourself - and what happens when you love yourself? You become open to the love of another.

 

 

 

Everyone has that doubt.

And the only price you pay is the sentence you give yourself.

I happen to think you will do just fine. Easy? Nope. But you have what it takes to get through this - and find that old (and now improved) you.

 

 

 

If, in this journey, it hurts - its probably the right direction.

 

I don't give that many attaboys - or atta-girls I guess, but you get one.

 

Here, here's a bunny.

My third in 7 years on this board - don't you feel special?

 

Awwww I want to hug your response. Thank you. I got the 3rd bunny? I am indeed honored.

 

About the Dick pic comment. Yes, I giggled , mostly because how true it was. He was such a self absorbed exhibitionist who thrived off of my compliments and would send me pics and bathe in compliments after.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Awwww I want to hug your response. Thank you. I got the 3rd bunny? I am indeed honored.

 

About the Dick pic comment. Yes, I giggled , mostly because how true it was. He was such a self absorbed exhibitionist who thrived off of my compliments and would send me pics and bathe in compliments after.

[sybo24]

Hi. I am exactly like you. Mine ended in January and things got harder not easier.

 

I too sent a message and haven't heard anything. Maybe some people are just better at NC and not needing closure.

 

You have a partner. Try and make things work it will be a lot easier than ending up with no one

 

Good luck to you xxx

[Hope Shimmers]

I only over analyzed things and acted "crazy" because I was in a crazy making scenario. However, the long term damage is here. He has made me wonder now if I AM crazy. My self esteem is shot completely. I don't know how to have intimacy at all with even friends anymore. I don't have the energy.

 

If I may offer my opinion here - I think that much of what you are going through is not necessarily the pain of missing him (although I know that's real and I'm not dismissing it at all), but also the very difficult and painful process of getting "yourself" back.

 

The gaslighting type behavior push-pull, silent treatment, and making you into a crazy person sucks the life out of you. I know, as I've been there. It also makes you emotionally dependent on the whole crazy-making situation (him) which is what was so hard for me to get past.

 

In my case, ex-MM was EXTREMELY low-confidence and thought I would leave him. His wife is a very dependent, needy person - to the point that she cannot leave the house without him, literally. So when I came along -the polar opposite - he freaked internally. He started accusing me of seeing other guys - if I didn't answer the phone fast enough or if I didn't reply to a text right away. God forbid if he called and his call went straight to voice mail because I was on the phone - he would be SURE that I was talking to "some other guy". And the worst part by far was that he would give me the silent treatment with no explanation, no warning, and no willingness to even talk to me, let me explain, etc. This happened every few days.

 

The silent treatment might last days and I would become crazy with trying to defend myself (against something I didn't do!) I lost count of all the times I sent him screenshots of my detailed phone bill, my text message conversations, etc. Trying to "prove" myself. Then he would finally say "I don't believe you" and I would apologize - for something I didn't even do!

 

Most rational people would think, why didn't I just walk away? I don't know! He just had me in this emotional push-pull where all I could do was defend myself, walk on eggshells, apologize all the time for nothing... analyze every word that was said. The best way I can describe those times of silent treatment is that I felt panicked. Literally in a panic.

 

And he would say and do things that made me think I was losing my mind. Like he would say something and the next day he would say "No, I never said that. I'm worried about your memory." Or he would say that I said I would do x, y, or z (when I hadn't said any such thing) and then later say "why didn't you do that? You said you would." And then imply that I was going crazy. He would refer to phone conversations we never had. I finally began to think I really was crazy. I had no idea what my own reality was. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.

 

At the end of all this, after literally years of it, I had totally lost myself. I was a nervous wreck. I was depressed to the point of considering suicide. I was a shell of my former self. All of my former self-esteem was gone and I was dependent on this man for my own identity. I didn't think I could live without him - and that's precisely when he walked away, back to his wife.

 

And that is why it took me so long to dig myself out of that situation and find myself again.

 

The details in your case may be different but I recognize a lot of the same types of behavior in him and the same effects it had on you.

 

The good news is that now I can look back on it with clarity, and realize that I was not the one with the problem. He had the problem. It was all about his selfish need to manipulate and control me because he didn't have enough self-confidence to relate to me any other way.

 

You will get there too. Hang in there.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

If I may offer my opinion here - I think that much of what you are going through is not necessarily the pain of missing him (although I know that's real and I'm not dismissing it at all), but also the very difficult and painful process of getting "yourself" back.

 

The gaslighting type behavior push-pull, silent treatment, and making you into a crazy person sucks the life out of you. I know, as I've been there. It also makes you emotionally dependent on the whole crazy-making situation (him) which is what was so hard for me to get past.

 

In my case, ex-MM was EXTREMELY low-confidence and thought I would leave him. His wife is a very dependent, needy person - to the point that she cannot leave the house without him, literally. So when I came along -the polar opposite - he freaked internally. He started accusing me of seeing other guys - if I didn't answer the phone fast enough or if I didn't reply to a text right away. God forbid if he called and his call went straight to voice mail because I was on the phone - he would be SURE that I was talking to "some other guy". And the worst part by far was that he would give me the silent treatment with no explanation, no warning, and no willingness to even talk to me, let me explain, etc. This happened every few days.

 

The silent treatment might last days and I would become crazy with trying to defend myself (against something I didn't do!) I lost count of all the times I sent him screenshots of my detailed phone bill, my text message conversations, etc. Trying to "prove" myself. Then he would finally say "I don't believe you" and I would apologize - for something I didn't even do!

 

Most rational people would think, why didn't I just walk away? I don't know! He just had me in this emotional push-pull where all I could do was defend myself, walk on eggshells, apologize all the time for nothing... analyze every word that was said. The best way I can describe those times of silent treatment is that I felt panicked. Literally in a panic.

 

And he would say and do things that made me think I was losing my mind. Like he would say something and the next day he would say "No, I never said that. I'm worried about your memory." Or he would say that I said I would do x, y, or z (when I hadn't said any such thing) and then later say "why didn't you do that? You said you would." And then imply that I was going crazy. He would refer to phone conversations we never had. I finally began to think I really was crazy. I had no idea what my own reality was. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.

 

At the end of all this, after literally years of it, I had totally lost myself. I was a nervous wreck. I was depressed to the point of considering suicide. I was a shell of my former self. All of my former self-esteem was gone and I was dependent on this man for my own identity. I didn't think I could live without him - and that's precisely when he walked away, back to his wife.

 

And that is why it took me so long to dig myself out of that situation and find myself again.

 

The details in your case may be different but I recognize a lot of the same types of behavior in him and the same effects it had on you.

 

The good news is that now I can look back on it with clarity, and realize that I was not the one with the problem. He had the problem. It was all about his selfish need to manipulate and control me because he didn't have enough self-confidence to relate to me any other way.

 

You will get there too. Hang in there.

 

Wow, what an abusive cycle. And I can't help but wonder if the reason his wife is so dependent upon him now is because he did the same thing to her.

 

I feel sorry for my xMM's wife (I never had a problem with her and actually in my crazy fantasy imagined myself moving in with both of them in an open relationship) because I imagine this crazy making, manipulative, "take no blame" attitude of my xMM must manifest in his marriage. He never apologized. Ever. And I should have been warned because he even describes himself on his art page as the "King of his domain" it was his dominance that drew me to him, but it is this dominance that destroys people too.

 

Feeling panicky in the face of silence, yes, that is exactly what I went through often. Every few days he would be less communicative, silent and send out new signals, which he blamed on guilt. But then, he would text me asking me if I wanted to watch him, and for me, I did. So I did. But for me, I wanted more than just this pervertef existence with him, I just ignored his very obvious deviant side.

[jellybean89]

If I may offer my opinion here - I think that much of what you are going through is not necessarily the pain of missing him (although I know that's real and I'm not dismissing it at all), but also the very difficult and painful process of getting "yourself" back.

 

The gaslighting type behavior push-pull, silent treatment, and making you into a crazy person sucks the life out of you. I know, as I've been there. It also makes you emotionally dependent on the whole crazy-making situation (him) which is what was so hard for me to get past.

 

In my case, ex-MM was EXTREMELY low-confidence and thought I would leave him. His wife is a very dependent, needy person - to the point that she cannot leave the house without him, literally. So when I came along -the polar opposite - he freaked internally. He started accusing me of seeing other guys - if I didn't answer the phone fast enough or if I didn't reply to a text right away. God forbid if he called and his call went straight to voice mail because I was on the phone - he would be SURE that I was talking to "some other guy". And the worst part by far was that he would give me the silent treatment with no explanation, no warning, and no willingness to even talk to me, let me explain, etc. This happened every few days.

 

The silent treatment might last days and I would become crazy with trying to defend myself (against something I didn't do!) I lost count of all the times I sent him screenshots of my detailed phone bill, my text message conversations, etc. Trying to "prove" myself. Then he would finally say "I don't believe you" and I would apologize - for something I didn't even do!

 

Most rational people would think, why didn't I just walk away? I don't know! He just had me in this emotional push-pull where all I could do was defend myself, walk on eggshells, apologize all the time for nothing... analyze every word that was said. The best way I can describe those times of silent treatment is that I felt panicked. Literally in a panic.

 

And he would say and do things that made me think I was losing my mind. Like he would say something and the next day he would say "No, I never said that. I'm worried about your memory." Or he would say that I said I would do x, y, or z (when I hadn't said any such thing) and then later say "why didn't you do that? You said you would." And then imply that I was going crazy. He would refer to phone conversations we never had. I finally began to think I really was crazy. I had no idea what my own reality was. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.

 

At the end of all this, after literally years of it, I had totally lost myself. I was a nervous wreck. I was depressed to the point of considering suicide. I was a shell of my former self. All of my former self-esteem was gone and I was dependent on this man for my own identity. I didn't think I could live without him - and that's precisely when he walked away, back to his wife.

 

And that is why it took me so long to dig myself out of that situation and find myself again.

 

The details in your case may be different but I recognize a lot of the same types of behavior in him and the same effects it had on you.

 

The good news is that now I can look back on it with clarity, and realize that I was not the one with the problem. He had the problem. It was all about his selfish need to manipulate and control me because he didn't have enough self-confidence to relate to me any other way.

 

You will get there too. Hang in there.

 

O

M

G

 

I am so glad you are finished with him.

 

It's probably like living in a total opposite world now...much more peace and sanity for you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow, what an abusive cycle. And I can't help but wonder if the reason his wife is so dependent upon him now is because he did the same thing to her.

 

I feel sorry for my xMM's wife (I never had a problem with her and actually in my crazy fantasy imagined myself moving in with both of them in an open relationship) because I imagine this crazy making, manipulative, "take no blame" attitude of my xMM must manifest in his marriage. He never apologized. Ever. And I should have been warned because he even describes himself on his art page as the "King of his domain" it was his dominance that drew me to him, but it is this dominance that destroys people too.

 

Feeling panicky in the face of silence, yes, that is exactly what I went through often. Every few days he would be less communicative, silent and send out new signals, which he blamed on guilt. But then, he would text me asking me if I wanted to watch him, and for me, I did. So I did. But for me, I wanted more than just this pervertef existence with him, I just ignored his very obvious deviant side.

 

I don't know if it was the chicken or the egg... if he made her so dependent, or he was attracted to her because of that. I know he needed to feel in charge and in control and he didn't feel that way with me. It's why he went back to her.

 

The silent treatment definitely wears you down, because you can't let your guard down.

 

Kudos for blocking him... that had to be terribly hard. I wish you peace and healing.

 

O

M

G

 

I am so glad you are finished with him.

 

It's probably like living in a total opposite world now...much more peace and sanity for you.

 

Thanks jellybean89. I sure don't miss that panicky feeling. Still looking for the right guy, but that will come - or else I'll just watch TV with my dog for the rest of my life.

[jellybean89]

Thanks jellybean89. I sure don't miss that panicky feeling. Still looking for the right guy, but that will come - or else I'll just watch TV with my dog for the rest of my life.

 

Better than watching TV with a cat

 

Whatever is meant to happen will...the strength you have earned through this experience will carry you through whatever else life throws at you...I have no doubt. Best of luck.

[Hope Shimmers]

ConfusedMOW, you may have said this before and I missed it. But how much time did you and ex-MM spend face to face? I think I remember correctly that you didn't live in the same geographic location?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

ConfusedMOW, you may have said this before and I missed it. But how much time did you and ex-MM spend face to face? I think I remember correctly that you didn't live in the same geographic location?

 

This is going to sound so insignificant in comparison to your story and others, but we never met face to face. We kept planning to but either he or I would keep pushing it off. We had so many dates that slipped past. Either I was too scared or he was too guilty.

 

But finally, I decided, this is going to happen, and I tried to set dates with him. But at this point, he had already started to 'work things out with the wife'

 

This is after four months of planning to meet each other.

 

I know that this sounds really odd, and I am glad we never actually had physical contact because I may be suffering even more now, but the fact that I was never able to meet him face to face made it so much more painfully mysterious. My fantasy ideas of him are all that i have to live on. I almost wonder had we actually met if this fantasy bubble would have popped instantly.

 

He looked rather old in the video and the pics and I was a little thrown off by it, but I looked past it because I found him to be brilliant otherwise.

[Hope Shimmers]

This is going to sound so insignificant in comparison to your story and others, but we never met face to face. We kept planning to but either he or I would keep pushing it off. We had so many dates that slipped past. Either I was too scared or he was too guilty.

 

But finally, I decided, this is going to happen, and I tried to set dates with him. But at this point, he had already started to 'work things out with the wife'

 

This is after four months of planning to meet each other.

 

I know that this sounds really odd, and I am glad we never actually had physical contact because I may be suffering even more now, but the fact that I was never able to meet him face to face made it so much more painfully mysterious. My fantasy ideas of him are all that i have to live on. I almost wonder had we actually met if this fantasy bubble would have popped instantly.

 

He looked rather old in the video and the pics and I was a little thrown off by it, but I looked past it because I found him to be brilliant otherwise.

 

No, it doesn't sound insignificant. I didn't spend in-person time with ex-MM until quite a while into our relationship - then after that, it was only a few times a year (for a week or so at a time).

 

I can see what you mean about the 'mysterious'. However, I would bet quite confidently that had you met, the fantasy bubble would not have popped instantly. With the intensity of your feelings for this person, you would have just adjusted whatever inaccuracies you had in your perceived idea of him to conform with what you learned from meeting him.

[MayP]

First post. But this is exactly what I am feeling now... Missing him. Getting a bit teary.

[MayP]

can I ask...

 

how do you keep yourself from going back/ contacting? I keep on repeating to myself 'what's the point?' every single moment when I think about him now. We never really started, used to be co-workers. The can of worms only opened before he left the country. We are on virtual contact now, hurts because we both hid our feelings for years, knowing what is best left unsaid.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

can I ask...

 

how do you keep yourself from going back/ contacting? I keep on repeating to myself 'what's the point?' every single moment when I think about him now. We never really started, used to be co-workers. The can of worms only opened before he left the country. We are on virtual contact now, hurts because we both hid our feelings for years, knowing what is best left unsaid.

 

Well for me it has become easy, I realized just how much of a jerk my guy was.

 

What helped a lot was telling him I was blocking him everywhere and how I was unhappy with the way he treated me and that if he really wants to be my friend he is going to have to find me somehow some other way and that he should only do so of he wants to treat me with respect. Then I blocked him all over. And of course he hasn't texted or tried other avenues.

 

I just know he is a vampire and not worth my time.

 

But if I believed otherwise this would be harder.

 

I still cried about him again yesterday regardless. He deserves none of it though, my bubble has burst, I don't see him as the great man I once did. Just a predator.

Edited June 16, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I really wish I had an answer for someone that still sees their EP in a good light though. If you still romanticize the situation, you will suffer and you will always feel this pull to contact. I suggest you read all of the horror stories about affairs on here and see how many broken hearts there are. It is not the type if relationship anyone would ever want to pursue, it will likely go terribly.

[MayP]

ConfusedMarriedOW, thank you for your advice.

 

I felt the urge to email yesterday, today. But I stopped myself. It is true, I am the one giving more, feeling more, hurting more. I recognize this emotional imbalance.

I don't have his new number because he didn't give (crap, isn't it?).

[MayP]

On days when my head speaks louder than my heart, I could totally see how silly I am. Refreshing my email a hundred times I thought my phone is going to die on me soon; or maybe there is something wrong with the email box. It only takes seconds to text, isn't it? Oh... it is a 'men's thing' not to connect unless available/ free/ convenient? I see...

What am I allowing... Being an attractive woman, from what all can see/ tell- more attractive than his w. To be at his mercy.

Back and forth, I am going through this malice, this cycle I pull myself into.