Really need support.....[update]

[cif]

I believe he is a battered man and has been brainwashed. He wont cause harm to his children. He is too weak to call the police.

 

Why is this type of person attractive for you?

 

He was able to put you in your place by making it clear not to contact him so I have a very hard time believing he can't put his wife in her place as well.

[snappytomcat]

 

 

 

I just can't believe everything he said was bull ****. It all felt so very real. Not sure how to move forward. Feel like some stupid teenage having a crush. But I love him. He still kept saying I was wonderful etc today. I have messed up. He is looking after his family, his children are his world and so they should be.

 

He has never ever said anything nice about his wife apart from she was 5 stone overweight when we met and she has lost it in the last year. He said she looks better but still can't get hard to have sex with her. She hates him touching her but two nights ago she wanted some but he tried but couldn't.

 

I am just crying and going slowly crazy.

oh soverysad,my heart breaks for you,my fws said the same thing,they all do,the last thing I want to do is say something that hurts you more,he wants to keep you on the side,please don't keep falling for it.

you can be strong I know you can,you deserve way better so does his wife,he will never leave her,even though he tells you shes awful,he is where he wants to be.

stay strong soverysad,hes not worth it,you are

[Soverysad123]

Thank you so much for your replies. They help. Woken up and the reality has hit me again, but of course I know I will be ok. I have lost something that meant a lot. He was never mine to lose but it didn't feel like that.

 

He is a kind and gentle man I think I just got to emotional and he couldn't handle it. It was all my doing. So I am going to eat this morning, take my kids to school and go out on my bike. I am going to make sure I take care of myself today and my family. I am sure I will too cry. There was a small part of me once I woke that thought about trying to see him today, but that thoughts gone. I have to respect he never wants anything to do with me.

 

Thank you.

[Lillyfree]

you may be hurting now... however with some time passing and your head getting clearer, you'll realise he's done you a favour. a clean break, you know where you stand. he doesn't want your friendship because you were a supplement to his marriage, and once you weren't willing to be that he lost interest. let your pride help you through this painful time, and you should be proud for saying no to the A!

you now have the withdrawals which will ease in time. and he's right where he wants to be, you are not to be his saviour.

 

once you are a bit better emotionally, have a look into why you made the decision to cheat on your husband.

[fellini]

I talked about the slippery slope of this word "truth" in another thread, so I will say only this.

 

It's very possible that those things happened (whether or not they happened like that, who knows, but lets say they happened). Is that it? That's the truth about this woman? That's ALL the truth? No, of course not. Those are merely selected "truths" we use to enable us to justify seeing only the part of the whole picture we want to see. It's completely human to do it. We all do it.

 

Another truth is that this woman has kids who love her, a husband who supposedly feel madly enough in love with her to ask her to be his lawful wedded wife, who obviously had sexual relations, and probably, and Im guessing her, probably actually has some feelings for her. My wife does not have to become an ogre for me to feel differently about our love. So I don't see how painting this woman as Attila the Hun is supposed to make any difference. This man is not choosing between two women, he is choosing between remaining in an unhappy marriage or NOT. Nothing more. (Do you see the AP in that equation? I don't)

 

It seems he has made his decision, and actually always had, hence the option to have an affair. Now if the OP wants to see "the truth" as being he is "trapped", then surely she must also see that he is his OWN PRISONER. He is not in solitary confinement, he is in voluntarily and he has the key in his hand to unlock the chains but he refuses to do so. Okay so he is like that character in "One Flew over the Cuckoo's nest who we learn halfway through the movie that he can leave any day he chooses, but chooses not to".

 

But if the OP thinks SHE is the KEY to his freedom she is sorely self-deceived. She is the 30 minutes of recreation they give inmates. And yes, they love that 30 minutes more than life itself.

 

I call it b*ll****,on his end,because if she was that awful,he would leave mm having A,are master liars,sly like a fox,hes telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

if he told you how wonderful,and caring s he was,would you want to be with him?hes lying to you both he doesn't deserve you or his wife,hes playing games with your heart,and your emotions,hes a piece of work

[Whisper Quiet]

OP, read fellini's post over and over and over......

[Soverysad123]

Thank you for your comments, thought, support and words of wisdom. I have read and re read the responses.

 

I had one last conversation with exMM after posting my post. I am so pleased I did because we ended on a friendly note. He explained calmly how the stress of the affair was making him have a break down. He wanted us to be friends but I was pushing for more, he felt and our very emotional conversation just pushed him over the edge. He can't handle the stress anylonger. He said he felt he had learnt so much while being with me, never knew he could love so deeply bla bla bla. I have always seen him as a very kind and gentle person and still believe this to be the case. He also said that maybe in 6/8 weeks he may call and we could have a very low contact friendship. My exMM also said how it will be so much easier for me as I have a full life and so many friends. He works hard but has no friends. Not even one. As a family they have no family friends. Friends are a big part of my life and we do lots with friends, holidays, days out etc. so I can't imagine not having friends.

 

Anyway I have since had a very long and deep conversation with my H. We are going to MC. He does not know about the affair but he knows I am not happy in our marriage. We are going to really try and sort us out. I am not ever going to tell him of the affair not because I am affaires he will leave me, because I don't think he would but because of the hurt he would have to go through. I got me into this mess and at the moment it's only me and the exMM hurting and that's the way I would like it to stay.

 

My H is a kind, hard working guy who loves his family. He looks after his self and we work well together but I do not have have not for many many years found my H attractive. We have no chemistry. He finds me attractive and has huge desire towards me. I feel nothing, we'll the thought of it makes me feel sick. Can MC and lots of hard work give us the desire. Can I find him attractive again that I want to sleep with him?

 

My exMM and I had amazing chemistry and I really miss that.

[SunshineToday]

I'm glad you are moving in the right direction with no contact. Your marriage counseling with your H is not going to work as long as you are thinking about MM.

Who by the way you are still defending, poor him, he has no friends. You really do not know what goes on in his home unless you are there. He chose to stay married. So it can't be that bad.

And I believe if you start up contact again in 6/8 weeks it will just set you back. That low contact just never works.

[Soverysad123]

Hello. Having one of those days where I just miss exMM. Taken children to school and just had a good cry. I was doing so well and proud of how hard I am trying with my H and then today, wam it hit me, that I will not see him again.

 

I am pleased to be off the roller coaster ride of an A. I can now see how very hard and wrong it was. Even although exMM was the one to finally end it, I now know that was the right thing.

 

I also really want to make things work with my H. I know it will be hard but we both want to have a health relationship. I have also come to terms with that fact that my H and I will not have the same chemistry as myself and exMM but we have many other things that I need to realise that are just as important if not more so.

 

Sorry to vent. Just really missing exMM. Would love to just hear his voice and chat or have one of his melting hugs.

Edited May 2, 2014 by Soverysad123

[Soverysad123]

So my A ended a few months ago and we tried being friends but it didn't really work because my exMM still had feelings towards me and I just was too emotional. Friendship ended a few weeks ago and I called him today ( having a low moment and called, know I will regret it later). Anyway had a great catch up call. He feels he can be friends with me and only friends, he doesn't think of me in that way any longer. He is where he wants to be with his wife and family and has now slept with his wife a few times. He says it only last a few mins but he is happy that he tried it on with her and she wanted to, normal she pushes him away.

 

Anyway my question, does he really want just friends and if so why does he want to be just friends and not end it completely. He say things at home are bearable and has just text saying great talking JUST FRIENDS but give him a few weeks to sort out his head.

 

Trying to work it all out in mine.

[underwater2010]

Your gut instinct is correct....you cannot be just friends.

 

Oh and I feel sorry for his wife that sex has lasted a few minutes.....and he wonders why she doesn't want it.

[Realist3]

If he just wanted to be friends, he wouldn't be talking to you about his sex life at home.

[fellini]

Your gut instinct is correct....you cannot be just friends.

 

Oh and I feel sorry for his wife that sex has lasted a few minutes.....and he wonders why she doesn't want it.

If you read the OP more closely you will see its the other way round-he is feeling lucky enough to get 2 minutes.

[Sub]

He say things at home are bearable and has just text saying great talking JUST FRIENDS but give him a few weeks to sort out his head.

 

I have a feeling in a few weeks, once he's "sorted it out", he's going to tell you he's not sure about his M though he wants to stick it out, but he needs you in his life to keep him sane. Or some bullish*t to that extent.

[carhill]

OP, how many married/LTR couples are you friends with? How does that go? When you all get together, how do you interact with the partners, say if with a husband of a female friend or a wife of a male friend?

 

Now, compare to this situation. I'm mentioning this because your MM is apparently stating that he wants to be 'friends'. Since he's married, of course you would be a friend to the marriage. How do you envision that happening?

 

Also, what common interests do you share? Friendships generally include common interests, along with shared life philosophies and styles of living. How does that go for you?

 

Disclaimer: fOM and fMM - seen a number of sides here. Whatever choice you make, please be clear about it. Understand it. Accept it. Good luck!

[Owl]

Hello. Having one of those days where I just miss exMM. Taken children to school and just had a good cry. I was doing so well and proud of how hard I am trying with my H and then today, wam it hit me, that I will not see him again.

 

I am pleased to be off the roller coaster ride of an A. I can now see how very hard and wrong it was. Even although exMM was the one to finally end it, I now know that was the right thing.

 

I also really want to make things work with my H. I know it will be hard but we both want to have a health relationship. I have also come to terms with that fact that my H and I will not have the same chemistry as myself and exMM but we have many other things that I need to realise that are just as important if not more so.

 

Sorry to vent. Just really missing exMM. Would love to just hear his voice and chat or have one of his melting hugs.

 

I'm a former betrayed husband...so I've been in your husband's shoes, so to speak.

 

Given that, I'm going to recommend something you're not going to like.

 

If you truly love your husband...give him the choice to work on the marriage or not based on the FULL and COMPLETE truth about the state of it. Tell him about your affair...come clean, and let him decide if there's enough in your relationship with him for a marriage to be reconciled from.

 

Again...I've been in his shoes. Most BS's will tell you that they'd want to know the full truth, so that they can make a fully informed decision.

 

Marriage counseling, 'working on the marriage'...all useless if the truth is still being hidden.

[carhill]

In this posting, the OP states:

 

"My husband is a good man I just should never of married him. I am not in love with him. We have two children and a good life."

 

It doesn't appear the OP has a marked interest in reconciling their marriage to a mutually loving and healthy state. OP?

[underwater2010]

If you read the OP more closely you will see its the other way round-he is feeling lucky enough to get 2 minutes.

 

My bad...projected a little there. Sorry.

 

I went back and looked a little closer. What I am reading is that per the WH...his wife is abusive physically and mentally. That BW doesn't like sex anymore, yet when she tries to start sex he can't get it up.

 

Here is what I don't get. If BW was really this explosive and abusive....why oh why does he allow her to continue to be around their kids. Even if he doesn't want out of the marriage he should protect his kids. Oh wait.....most likely he is using the sympathy card to keep the OP in the affair.

 

OP, please go back and read the posts that talk about the lies MM tell to the OW. And realize that you have made the right decision for your sanity.

[Owl]

In this posting, the OP states:

 

"My husband is a good man I just should never of married him. I am not in love with him. We have two children and a good life."

 

It doesn't appear the OP has a marked interest in reconciling their marriage to a mutually loving and healthy state. OP?

 

That's pretty much the standard "ILYBNILWY" package that everyone gives/hears.

 

May be true, may not be true.

 

If true...then I'd amend my advice to her ending her farce of a marriage as soon as possible so as to free herself up to be with someone she can be in love with.

 

But she's got to be the one to figure out where her feelings lie, and what she's going to do to either fix or end her marriage...and that should be her focus, rather than continuing to focus on OM.

 

The concept remains the same...either fix what you have, or end it if it's not what you want.

 

It ain't rocket science.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Sovery

 

we have similar stories. I too have low days were I miss him like crazy. This will sound simple and stupid but practiced over time it does work. Change your thoughts change your behavior. When you think of him note to yourself and change you thoughts. I'm not going to think of him, youll catch yourself doing it. Think STOP. Change to thinking about you husband, plan something nice for husband. Send him a text. It does work. I am not saying its perfect but its moving forward.

 

One more, this is the one I use when I have a low day. My memories with my other I've placed in a metaphorical box. I envision myself unwrapping the box, carefully removing the paper and ribbons. I open the lid and recall my experiences. Then re-wrap the box and place it on the shelf. One day I am hoping to be able to toss the box in the ocean and be glad as it sails away. I havent reached that point yet.

 

H and I are better then we've ever been. We will never have the sexual chemistry I shared with my other, I wish I could create desire for him but so far I haven't been able to. Having positive thoughts about H and my marriage has changed how I behave to him.

 

Stay Strong

 

ps change the name to soverystrong

[Soverysad123]

Mycatsnuggles. Thank you so much.

 

When did your a end? Did he contact you again? I you pleased its over? You say you R with your H is the best it's been, has it been hard work? Do you enjoy sex with him?

 

Sorry for all these questions?

 

It's great really that exMM has no sexual feelings for me any longer, but just a few weeks and they are totally gone - wow that was quick.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

He feels he can be friends with me and only friends, he doesn't think of me in that way any longer. He is where he wants to be with his wife and family and has now slept with his wife a few times. He says it only last a few mins but he is happy that he tried it on with her and she wanted to, normal she pushes him away.*

 

 

This whole paragraph just made me vomit in my mouth...literally. Why in the world would you allow this mind ****er talk to you about his sex life with his wife?? I just find that repulsive in so many ways... and the fact that you allowed it is scary.

Keep this in mind my friend... HE IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE YOUR FRIEND!!! Trust me when I say that. No matter what you think right now... I'm telling you the truth. Been there, done that, and NEVER again will I go down that road!!!

 

Have more respect for yourself... when you start....I promise you that's where the real feeling of freedom and living your life again will start....

[Brokenlady]

Soverysad,

I'm not sure you're ready to hear this yet, but I'll try anyway. You're dealing with a narcissist. He drew you in with pity and flattery, and now he's enjoying watching you suffer bc you stopping the affair injured his ego big time. The second you appear to not care, he will pursue you again. Please please don't re-engage. I promise you that you will regret it. He is not what you think and isn't truly capable of reciprocating anything you have to give now or 10 years from now. The things he's telling you about sleeping with his wife? He truly doesn't understand that hurts you because he genuinely has no capacity for empathy. He can fake it, but not well. This guy is bad for your health. Run run run!!!!!!

[Mycatsnuggles]

Sovery

 

It been 6 weeks. I miss him, I miss the sex, the looking for a text but I try to refocus that energy to H to my relationship with H and me. I have communicated with him via email, I could never be in his presence the chemical attraction is still there. He's working on his relationship too, no gory details but we want each other to be happy where were at. I don't regret the affair but I don't want the emotional roller coaster. I don't feel the emails were "closure" I've never gotten why so many long for such an elusive concept. We had a big fight said really ugly things and ended the relationship.

 

I know he cares for me, I care for him, we wish each other happiness. What we had Was good but it's in the past.

 

I think it's good your ex has been so definitive that it's OVER!! Accept what he says at face value. Women (sorry to generalize) are always looking for the "interpretation" of what he ment. He told you! It's over, I want to make my relationship work, I wish we could be friends but we can't.

 

He misses you, I don't think that makes him a narcisist! Why are all cheaters narcissistic? Everyone one is self centered that does not raise one to the level of a narcisist. It's as simple as he misses you. Does NOT Mean you should restart the affair. Shut him down. No working on my relationship with H.

 

With H I want to have the chemical attraction I don't yet. But focusing the energy I applied to ex is a good start. I wanted to end for awhile. Will the attraction develop for H? I don't know it's possible I read, I am on the right path towards that.

 

I know all BS want to be told, feel it's unfair to withhold the facts from them. My two cents. If I told h we would spend the next 2-5 YEARS develing into the why of the affair and every detail of the affair. Sex where? Sex in what positions? Sex how many times? Instead of focusing on US and OUR relationship we are focused on HIM and my relationship! How does that build the marriage? How does that make us stronger together? I want to remove my focus from my affair and onto improving my marriage. Yes I take a risk. I wouldn't want to know if I was a BS and my H had committed himself back to the marriage. I can't imagine what a mind fxxx it is to want to know the details but be hurt by each detail. Personally I think I would tortuture myself with jealousy and insecurity.

 

Re focus your energy. Decide if you want to fix the marriage the do that. Which ever it is. I think we cavalierly say "divorce" as though it is so easy to end a marriage. H and I were bent not broken there is a lot of good I had just spent to much time looking at the bad and made me start looking for rainbows and unicorns. I didn't see what was in front of my face.

[Soverysad123]

Thank you everyone for your replies and mycatsnuggles it was so great to hear your story. Our situations are similar. It really helps.

 

I am sure it does not sound like it in my posts but I really do want to work on my marriage, I will never tell my H of the A no matter what anyone says. Of course he may still find out and it could be down the line when our M is better than now and it may change everything but I still feel not telling is the best thing.

 

I have been trying and putting so much effort into my M, it's so hard and does not feel natural and missing exMM makes it tricky but I am trying. Speaking to exMM yesterday has really set me back and made it hard to focus on my H.

 

Everything about my M is wonderful apart from we are missing the deep connection and chemistry and I want that so much. We have a lovely family, the most amazing children, a lovely home, live in a beautiful place with a great community, we work well together as parents, are great friends and have great friends, have lots of holidays etc etc. We are really involved in our community and I do a lot of voluntary work but we don't have that spark, never have. I am looking forward to feeling normal again, have life back to how it was before the a. I hate this always looking at how much I love my h, before the A I never felt the missing thing in my M and am now worried this feeling want leave me. I do regret the A, and I wish I had never met him. I felt content before knowing the exMM and now always have this terrible feeling. Felt today I was back on that roller coaster even although I know he only wants to be just friends, the A is over but he text me yesterday afternoon after the phone call saying I will contact you later. Of course I don't know when later is - it could be today or in three weeks time. But today at lunch time when he normally called I was waiting. So I now am taking myself off the roller coaster and focusing on my H.

 

Thank you for letting me share.

Edited May 9, 2014 by Soverysad123