Scott Thomas Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 Soverysad, Does your husband know that you aren't 'in love with him' anymore? Do you think there's a chance that you've invested in your OM and no longer have those romantic feelings for your H? Were you in love (deeply in love) with him when you two married. I'll just warn you, as a friend, that I abhor misleading one's spouse or pretending that you've honoured your vows. Integrity, respect and honesty are part of a marriage. Furthermore, there's always the chance that he might find out later and divorce you/resent you for lying, which will set you back 2-5 years, or might destroy your relationship forever. This is something that you must decide, keeping in mind the vows you made and the trade-off chances between not confessing and a future d-day. I'm not trying to 'preach' anything- just warning that the fuse might blow at a future date and cause much more damage. Anyway, to the topic at hand, does he know that you no longer feel that 'spark' for him. Is he aware that you're no longer in love with him? Just how exactly do you expect him to find that 'spark' if he doesn't know your true feelings. Have you expressed how you feel (Read: Sit him down, explain how you feel and that your marriage won't survive unless you two regain that spark). It takes time and effort to maintain a marriage. You can't expect him to rub Alladin's lamp, conjecture a genie and restore that spark in a millisecond, especially if you haven't expressed your feelings. Does he feel that 'spark', or is the problem with your feelings? On another note, since you're fresh out of your affair and still harbour feelings for your OM, it's likely that you'll take months, if not years, to regain those feelings for your H. He can't do anything to make you fall in love unless you find him romantically attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soverysad123 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 Soverysad, Does your husband know that you aren't 'in love with him' anymore? Do you think there's a chance that you've invested in your OM and no longer have those romantic feelings for your H? Were you in love (deeply in love) with him when you two married. Anyway, to the topic at hand, does he know that you no longer feel that 'spark' for him. Is he aware that you're no longer in love with him? Just how exactly do you expect him to find that 'spark' if he doesn't know your true feelings. Have you expressed how you feel (Read: Sit him down, explain how you feel and that your marriage won't survive unless you two regain that spark). It takes time and effort to maintain a marriage. You can't expect him to rub Alladin's lamp, conjecture a genie and restore that spark in a millisecond, especially if you haven't expressed your feelings. Does he feel that 'spark', or is the problem with your feelings? On another note, since you're fresh out of your affair and still harbour feelings for your OM, it's likely that you'll take months, if not years, to regain those feelings for your H. He can't do anything to make you fall in love unless you find him romantically attractive. Yes my H does know how I feel about him. We have had some very lengthly chats over the last few weeks. I know that while I am trying to rebuild with my H I won't be able to totally do that until I have grieved exMM. I am hoping that time will help me heal. Unfortunately at the moment the spark is one sided but at least it's on one side so now I need to work hard at my M. He luckily thinks I am his everything and just can't get enough of me. And I realise that if he knew the truth he wouldn't think of himself as so lucky. And yes he may find out the truth one day but I am going to take that risk and if it does come and bite me in the future then I only have myself to blame. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 (edited) Yes my H does know how I feel about him. We have had some very lengthly chats over the last few weeks. I know that while I am trying to rebuild with my H I won't be able to totally do that until I have grieved exMM. I am hoping that time will help me heal. Unfortunately at the moment the spark is one sided but at least it's on one side so now I need to work hard at my M. He luckily thinks I am his everything and just can't get enough of me. And I realise that if he knew the truth he wouldn't think of himself as so lucky. And yes he may find out the truth one day but I am going to take that risk and if it does come and bite me in the future then I only have myself to blame. How strong, if it existed in the first place, was the spark when you two married? What will you do if the 'spark' doesn't come back? Divorce or just stick it out? Btw there was a thread in another forum. The WW was in your shoes-I'll msg the links. You might find them useful. Since I can't msg you her, do you want to wait until you become a permanent member? Alternatively, I could give a detailed description (thread name, forum etc) and you could google it. Edited May 10, 2014 by Scott Thomas Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soverysad123 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 How strong, if it existed in the first place, was the spark when you two married? What will you do if the 'spark' doesn't come back? Divorce or just stick it out? Btw there was a thread in another forum. The WW was in your shoes-I'll msg the links. You might find them useful. Since I can't msg you her, do you want to wait until you become a permanent member? Alternatively, I could give a detailed description (thread name, forum etc) and you could google it. Thank you. The link would be great. How long does it take until you can pm people? The spark was never very strong from me. D is not as easy as it sounds or something I want me children to go through. I have two amazing happy secure children to think of. They are only young (at school but babies still). Our home is happy and we do so much together as a family. Lots of laughing. Life is all about our children and it's prob where we have gone wrong, totally focusing on them. But before them - we have never had an amazing sex life, first few months ok but after that it's never been great but because we had friendship I thought we would be ok. I thought that our terrible sex life was because of my non interest in it and I didn't think it was because of who I was with and then I met exMM and realised a different side of me. I really want my M to work and the hurt to go away. I just want to feel like me again. The me that was happy with what I had. The missing of exMM is so incredible painful. But I have realised this morning that exMM is where he wants to be and it's over really over. He has never been the one to make contact first it has alway been me, and I think that says it all really. Yes he wants to be friends in a few weeks but that's it friends and I can't do that and focus on my M. I know that and I know I need to focus on that and give it chance. And if I don't the spark back - who knows..... Maybe by then I will just feel normal and value the truly important things we have. Family together, happy children etc. After uni I gave up on my dreams for marriage and children and I don't regret that because I have beautiful children and I have totally been involved in their little life's but I need to start thinking about stuff to do work wise for me. I want to have a fulfilling job - not saying being a mum isn't fulfilling but I need more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soverysad123 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 Mycatsnuggles - I have been reading your posts. You really give me hope. I know if I lose my h and children it will end me. I keep reminding myself this today. I am having a day where I just can't stop crying. Children and H are out at clubs while I prepare for an afternoon full of family and friends and I just can't stop the hurting today. Why do I miss someone that does not want me. He lied, was never mine, has no friends of his own (I find it odd for someone to have no friends), he says he hates his wife but happily wants to sleep with her now we are no more, he is so very tight with money and controlling with it with his wife - I think. Quite boring in that all he does is gardening and DIY. Doesn't do fun family stuff. They are not a picnic, bike riding family. We are. Sorry just writing the thoughts in my head. But I miss him and it hurts, it hurts so very much. Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 I don't know how to copy and paste but this paragraph , this is the beginning!!!! "Everything about my marriage is wonderful". This is self talk. It's what I do to! Before the affair started I self talked into how awful my marriage was, how horrible h was. The more I said it the more it became my reality. I realize most think I am deluding myself. Fine it's to simplified. We want complicated answers. I don't feel amazing love so trash our lives together and find new people to have amazing love with. Really?? Journal, write here but take your own advice " I want that so much" Why would you divorce your best friend for some mystical illusion. Maybe working towards reshaping your attitude and relationship is a better choice. H and I are happy. We have so many platitudes about attitude. Fake it till you make it, live for today, tomorrow is only your yesterday. Can they all be wrong? Or are we looking to make life to hard. Read "The Secret". A simplified solution to lives problems. Why not try a positive attitude. Your h already knows about the affair so Scott is addressing me I suppose. Sorry we disagree. I don't need to argue with you or defend myself. If you are happy with your life GREAT. if not make changes. I did and I'm much happier for them. I can only relay my experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 You are obviously still in the dog of your AP, since you are taking the easy way out right now and betraying your husband more by keeping him unaware. Him knowing would help you put this other guy out of your mind because you really would have to concentrate 100% on your M instead of fantasizing about your wild sex with your AP. When he finds out he will be madder at the long period of lying than the sex since you will have proven that you will deceive him to suit your needs.And is the spark does not return you will have another A since you can get away with it. You are fooling yourself with all the talk about your M. Right now you are glad you did not get caught yet because you're pissed at OM but it really still is all about you. If the situation was reversed, would you be fine with your H not telling you Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 Soverysad, So the 'spark' hasn't been there for years. It this phenomenon limited to you or did he feel the same way for years? Inorder to reignite the passion you'll have to undergo a slight change in the way you view him. Right now, he is your friend and a father to your children. Your former AP fulfils the role of the man you find romantically/sexually attractive. Unless your husband 'replaces' the AP, you won't reignite your love/passion. Buy a few books from amazon and read them (I found his needs her needs, women's infidelity by michelle langeley, love must be tough, and how to help your spouse after your affair particularly useful). Take a vacation together, go on romantic dates, do stimulating activities e.g. climbing, reading literature etc. I'm not sure how long it takes to PM. Probably a month or two. As for the warning; it was aimed at the both of you. I read a thread by 'Forest' on TAM. He found out his wife cheated after 20 years. He's on the verge of retiring but burnt the wedding album, no longer celebrated anniversaries and is thinking about divorcing his wife. Don't underestimate a man's ego/sense of self respect. This is not a judgement about your actions. I'm only warning you that there's always a chance that you might have to face the axe sometime in the future, so tread carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soverysad123 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Share Posted May 10, 2014 Thanks. Have just ordered love must be tough and his needs, her needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 He misses you, I don't think that makes him a narcisist! Why are all cheaters narcissistic? Everyone one is self centered that does not raise one to the level of a narcisist. Mycatsnuggles - Not every cheater is a narcissist, but this one has the hallmarks of it. And I would know. I have a graduate degree in psych and I was an OW who married her MM, and is now divorcing said fMM bc he exhibited these EXACT qualities. I realize no one is going to listen. I didn't want to listen back then either. But I feel like I should try to throw the warning out there anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Thanks. Have just ordered love must be tough and his needs, her needs. You just made your 50th post and now show up as an "Established member" so i think you can PM now. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts