My story.........

[Soverysad123]

Hello. I am a MW and for the last year I have been having an affaire with a MM. It ended nearly two weeks ago.

 

My husband is a good man I just should never of married him. I am not in love with him. We have two children and a good life.

 

My MM is in (so he says) a very unhappy sexless marriage. His wife is very violent at times although she has not been since we have been having the affair. She does not love him and is very mean to him. He has a good life, job etc. just missing that someone special. He adored me and made me feel amazing. he has two children that are his world. His wife was very large when we met but has since lost lots of weight. He says he will leave her when his children are grown up in 6 years time. Never has he said he wants me.

 

We have split up a few times always my doing because I feel guilty as I know this is wrong but never for more than a few days. This time it has been nearly two weeks and I now really regret it and would love to be having an affair with him again. I contacted him on Thursday just over a week of nc. He does not want an affair with me and said he has mentally moved on. That really hurts. He said he still dislikes his wife but will put up with her because of the children and can't stand the pressure of an affair. He says he will be friends with me but that's it, never will it be anything else. I am meeting him for coffee next week. I feel crushed. How has he mentally moved on so quickly. Was I just sex. We both said that we were made for each other and if only we met 15 years ago etc etc etc. I am totally in love with him. He called me a few times a day and we saw each other once every two weeks.

 

Please no responses from people that just want to tell me to grow up.

[Soverysad123]

Looking for some hope....... That my MM will change his mind. Although he has told me many many times only just friend, never will that change. I had to really try and get him to argue to the friend thing, although he will meet me for coffee but just as friends as he has mental moved on. It really hurts and I regret ending things more than anything. I hurt so much, I can't concentrate on anything.

[Soverysad123]

Looking for some hope....... That my MM will change his mind. Although he has told me many many times only just friend, never will that change. I had to really try and get him to agree to the friend thing, although he will meet me for coffee but just as friends as he has mental moved on. It really hurts and I regret ending things more than anything. I hurt so much, I can't concentrate on anything.

[harrybrown]

So tell your H about your affair. Tell your H you love your OM. Get a divorce.

 

Maybe in 6 years he will change his mind.

 

However, as wonderful as your OM was, you was cheating with you and used you for sex. Your OM does not sound so wonderful to me.

[cocahouts]

Agree.... Leave your husband because you don't love him if you're letting another man be with you. Any respect you have for your Husband should go towards a painless as possible divorce.

 

You're lying to your "good Man" and not making a good life for him. If you wait and leave him later down the road when your kids are grown....you've just stolen all those extra years away from him. It doesn't make you a good person to stay if you're not in love.

 

You are already grown up, let your husband know and leave him gracefully. If he's been that good to you it's time to be good to him and go.

[thummper]

This is an easy one. Since you admit you have little or no love or affection for your husband, divorce and move on. When he finds out how you really feel about him, he'll be glad to find someone who might actually have love and respect for him. In the meantime, you can go out and find your "true love", although, from what you've said, most likely it won't be your AP. Don't worry, there are lots of guys out there looking for "love" or at least the physical part of it. Emotionally.....well, maybe not so much.

[whatatangledweb]

Hello. I am a MW and for the last year I have been having an affaire with a MM. It ended nearly two weeks ago.

 

My husband is a good man I just should never of married him. I am not in love with him. We have two children and a good life.

 

My MM is in (so he says) a very unhappy sexless marriage. His wife is very violent at times although she has not been since we have been having the affair. She does not love him and is very mean to him. He has a good life, job etc. just missing that someone special. He adored me and made me feel amazing. he has two children that are his world. His wife was very large when we met but has since lost lots of weight. He says he will leave her when his children are grown up in 6 years time. Never has he said he wants me.

 

We have split up a few times always my doing because I feel guilty as I know this is wrong but never for more than a few days. This time it has been nearly two weeks and I now really regret it and would love to be having an affair with him again. I contacted him on Thursday just over a week of nc. He does not want an affair with me and said he has mentally moved on. That really hurts. He said he still dislikes his wife but will put up with her because of the children and can't stand the pressure of an affair. He says he will be friends with me but that's it, never will it be anything else. I am meeting him for coffee next week. I feel crushed. How has he mentally moved on so quickly. Was I just sex. We both said that we were made for each other and if only we met 15 years ago etc etc etc. I am totally in love with him. He called me a few times a day and we saw each other once every two weeks.

 

Please no responses from people that just want to tell me to grow up.

 

If I were to guess I would say the MM is tired of the back and forth you do. People have affairs to escape reality. With you ended it over and over, it becomes more of a burden. He may have lied about his marriage.

 

If you are not in love with your husband , get a divorce. He deserves the chance to find someone who does love him. You would then be guilt free to date others.

[Soverysad123]

Thank you for your responses. They are all so true. I have had a few deep and meaningful with my husband, explaining that I love him but I am not in love and I would like to split up so he can find someone who truly loves him. He doesn't want to and says he loves me very very deeply and I am all he wants. I have not and WILL not tell him about the affair. It will destroy him and no good will come out of it. Our children are fairly small.

 

My affair partner is prob fed up with the on off situation, you are right. Never have I been one of those people but it's the guilt of knowing its wrong and he (AP) I think feels a pressure of me wanting more than he can give right now. Can you go from having an affair with someone to just friends and can you mentally move on so quickly. We both have such an understanding for each other, a connection both have never felt before. And why if his marriage is so terrible does he want to do the right thing.

 

And yes I know I am a terrible person and as lots say on here never did I think this would be me.

[atreides]

I think this is now the 14th thread with identical stories and response from the WW.

 

It's the same situation with MM and the same stories given as to why they cheat.

It's the same situation with WW and her AP, the back and forth

The same reason for posting.... to have hope the AP will "love" them and "Be" with them.

 

I yearn for the story where it is, "i am so happy now, it was hard to D my H he made my life miserable, but i found true love afterwards"

 

It's ironic that the "misery" experienced with the H is never enough for one to D but enough to cheat. On the flip side of the coin the "joy" and "attention" the AP brings are also not enough.

 

In the end, it is mooted because the misery and joy lead nowhere to the situation.

 

OP as per your situation, it is not over, you are having coffee, do you really believe it wont lead anywhere? Think again. Of course that is what you want to hear anyway... trust me he will go back to you and this time you can keep it going for 6 years then D your H and marry him.

 

OR per your guilt, you must feel something for your H or why feel guilty right? So perhaps you are in the A fog and filled with life's gift of short term chemicals and need more time to sort out your feelings as to what you want. Then again, your H is last on the list with this and perhaps if he knew, it would either expedite the situation with your AP, if your H were to D you over it, OR you get what you want from your H in R and your AP becomes a bad memory.

 

I say all this because you put "guilt" in the equation, as a lot of the OM/OW threads don't know the word and their spouses are just specks on the wall.

So first deal with you, i would not go for coffee, although that would likely kill your chances with your AP however it gives you time to get out of the fog and make a more less chemically influenced decision which is better for you, your H and family.

Edited March 23, 2014 by atreides

[DasPope]

 

Please no responses from people that just want to tell me to grow up.

 

 

OK ....best to say nothing then.

[Soverysad123]

Thank you for your reply because I am in such a confused state. I met my H when I was very young and we just ended up doing uni, buying a house, living a bit before children and then having a family without ever really stopping to think if we were meant to be. My H just doesn't feel like my rock in this world but then maybe I am living in some fantasy land and should be thankful for his love.

 

Anyway as I was saying thank you, and yes you are right I do want to hear my AP will take me back but although we are meeting for coffee he really has made it clear it's only as friends and he has mentally moved on and he feels I want more and he will never give me anything but friendship again etc etc etc - he has been so clear and hearing words like that from him are not usual. I do think it is finished, I really do.

 

Although you made me think by saying how guilty I feel, and oh my god I do every time I am with, think, text, speak etc to AP and I think you are right I need to respect my H and not meet AP for coffee. Not because I know he will or will not take me back because I know he won't but for my H sake. So thank you for helping me with a little clarity. I am not saying tomorrow I want change my mind but if I do I will retread your post.

[atreides]

Thank you for your reply because I am in such a confused state. I met my H when I was very young and we just ended up doing uni, buying a house, living a bit before children and then having a family without ever really stopping to think if we were meant to be. My H just doesn't feel like my rock in this world but then maybe I am living in some fantasy land and should be thankful for his love.

 

Anyway as I was saying thank you, and yes you are right I do want to hear my AP will take me back but although we are meeting for coffee he really has made it clear it's only as friends and he has mentally moved on and he feels I want more and he will never give me anything but friendship again etc etc etc - he has been so clear and hearing words like that from him are not usual. I do think it is finished, I really do.

 

Although you made me think by saying how guilty I feel, and oh my god I do every time I am with, think, text, speak etc to AP and I think you are right I need to respect my H and not meet AP for coffee. Not because I know he will or will not take me back because I know he won't but for my H sake. So thank you for helping me with a little clarity. I am not saying tomorrow I want change my mind but if I do I will retread your post.

 

 

Glad to hear it, best of luck

[mrs rubble]

You should tell your husband what's going on, because your lack of concentration and your obsession over this affair of yours is probably going to lead exposure in time.

[revelations]

Soverysad123:

Then why are you with your husband? Is it because he offers you a stable home? Is it because he is good to you? What is the reason? You say your not in love with him, however that he is a good man. If so do you think that a good man deserves what you have done? Okay maybe you are not in love with your BH, however what makes you think he isn't still in love with you? If your in love with a man don't you think it would be better if he just left instead of cheating?

 

I generally don't even date anymore because often times I see women doing exactly what you are doing. By actions they show that it is okay to keep one man in waiting while using him to explore other options. Men are being treated as disposable, we are disregarded when we become inconvenient. What a man feels or thinks is disregarded without a second thought.

 

Okay off my soapbox now. You may want to just divorce your husband. However if you still have any respect for him or any sort of love do not take him to the cleaners. Yes women can do that and often times will. Don't take any spousal support, maybe a small sum to help you get started at most. Only take 50% of what is needed to raise the kids. Work with your BH and try not to effect his standard of living if possible. Lower your standards of living if need be. As far as telling him goes, you may want to do that to give reason for the divorce. You can make it clear that your not leaving him for the other man. Just tell him that you do not wish to cause him more pain. Your BH may resent you at first for cheating on him. However if you go easy on him and don't take everything, in time he will still see you as a friend.

 

Some may argue with this, to those I will say bull****. When in a marriage you share everything, you may work to build a life together. However when one leaves that marriage they have no moral right to the other persons income after that. Things obtained in the marriage such as a house, car, etc. can be sorted out, even sold and profit split. Getting part of his retirement or a monthly payoff in the form of spousal support is creating a slave. Yes that is a fact, with spousal support he is forced to work to provide for another person with no benefit to himself, so hence the word slave. So you have already screwed over your BH once and you don't feel good about it. Their is no need to screw him again in divorce court. You have already hurt him once even though he does not know yet. So hopefully you won't feel the need to prolong his pain by forcing him to write a check to you each month. If you want to be an ideal xWW then I would suggest not taking advantage of him in divorce court.

[Bryanp]

It seems that you could really care less if your put your husband at risk for STD's or are you no longer intimate with your husband?

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think you missed the purpose of the infidelity thread, it is not a How To format. Just as general advise I think that the kindest thing you can do for your husband is tell him the truth. I know you think you are saving his feelings, but you aren't. He will blame himself for years and try to figure out what he did wrong to drive you away. If he knows the truth, he can come to realize that it has nothing to do with him, but merely you feeding your own selfish desires.

 

I find it hard to believe on your wedding day that you knew that you didn't love this man. If you truly married a man without having any love for him, then that is more cruel than the affair. How do you expect to love one man, while you are having sex with another man? Also everything you know about the other woman is most likely what the other man told you about her. You don't know this to be true, but merely his version of the story. So the OM is lying to you and his wife, you are lying to your husband and yourself. Sure is a whole lot of lying going on here.

 

Do your family a favor and go NC with the other man. Confess to your husband and see if you can get into counseling and fix the problems of this marriage. If they cannot then seek legal counsel and end this relationship.

[Zimber]

My MM is in (so he says) a very unhappy sexless marriage.

All married men on the slide will tell you either this or that he and his wife have an agreement for the sake of the kids. It's very likely you were played for sex and when you started falling for him, he bolted. He does not want to end his marriage, just get a little on the side.

 

His wife is very violent at times although she has not been since we have been having the affair. She does not love him and is very mean to him. He has a good life, job etc. just missing that someone special. He adored me and made me feel amazing. he has two children that are his world. His wife was very large when we met but has since lost lots of weight. He says he will leave her when his children are grown up in 6 years time. Never has he said he wants me.

Dunno, but it sounds like my above quote might be correct. I'm sorry, it hurts, nobody likes to be lied to (if that is what happened).

 

We have split up a few times always my doing because I feel guilty as I know this is wrong but never for more than a few days. This time it has been nearly two weeks and I now really regret it and would love to be having an affair with him again. I contacted him on Thursday just over a week of nc. He does not want an affair with me and said he has mentally moved on. That really hurts.

Likely found a new plate/distraction. Look at the bright side ... if you want to have a new relationship/partner/marriage, the statistics for relationship success from one that started from infidelity are less than 1%. You've learned some valuable things here and need to think smart from this point forward (with huzbo, without, matters not, just don't be gullible).

 

He said he still dislikes his wife but will put up with her because of the children and can't stand the pressure of an affair. He says he will be friends with me but that's it, never will it be anything else. I am meeting him for coffee next week. I feel crushed. How has he mentally moved on so quickly. Was I just sex. We both said that we were made for each other and if only we met 15 years ago etc etc etc. I am totally in love with him. He called me a few times a day and we saw each other once every two weeks.

 

Please no responses from people that just want to tell me to grow up.

I'm not going to repost as it would be the same advice.

 

My only other thing that I could possibly offer you is love is a decision sometimes. Your feelings for your husband (consistent as he is) will never equal the "drunk love" that brain chemistry gives you in a new relationship. You just have to understand what's happening, what you want, what needs fixing.

 

Good Luck Soverysad123, pain sucks!

 

Z

[Scott Thomas]

Read the other man/ other woman threads. It's full if OW's realising that their AP's were lying to them. Often, when the affair is exposed, the OW learns that the marriage wasn't bad and that their AP is willing to discard them and return to his wife. This doesn't happen every time but it is quite common. If you don't believe me then tell your AP that you'll divorce your H to be with him. See if he actually divorces his wife instead of making excuses/dithering.

 

On another note, it's quite cruel to marry a man, have children with him and make him work hard so that he can support your lifestyle, while you never loved him from the start. This is even worse than cheating. Your husband will only live once and deserves the opportunity to spend his life with someone who loves him.

 

You have a choice: tell him about the A, divorce and go your separate ways. Why would you make your H spend his entire life wondering about what went wrong? Do you want him to spend the next 20 years wondering what happened and why his family was broken. Revealing the A might cause some temporary pain but in the long run he'll learn a valuable lesson about love/relationships and might even find someone who actually loved him.For once, do the right thing. Would you want your children stuck with someone who didn't live them and cheated in them?

Edited March 24, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[bubbaganoosh]

If your not happy then move on. Although you never said if you work outside the house or are you a SAHM?

 

It might seem to a lot of people that you want the security of a home life in a marriage but want to shake your tail feathers like a single woman. You, me and everybody posting knows that isn't fair to your husband.

 

If you want the life as a single woman then do so but from what I see, your having your fling on someone elses dime and that's wrong.

 

Put yourself in your husbands shoes and ask yourself if what your doing is fair. You wouldn't like it anymore than he would so it's time to put your big girl panties on and give your husband a chance at some happiness in his life. It's the right thing to do.