Who Doesn't Want Kids?

[janedoe67]

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. If you and your SO are on the same page that is the main thing. My oldest is very clear that they do not want kids and has been that way since childhood.

 

People are different. I'd have had even more if he'd been up for it - I loved everything from being pregnant right through graduation.

[jonsnuh]

My ideal dream when I was going into my freshman year of college was to have a family of two kids, a husky, a Porsche, a large house by a pond and an apartment within the financial district.

 

Now, I don't see any kids happening, Porsches are becoming increasingly unreliable, and the housing bubble with new mortgage rules has made it very difficult to buy a house.

 

So many things have changed that has made me realize that not having a child is acceptable. Perhaps I'm just myopic, but I've been compelled not to have a child for the following reasons:

 

1. The cost of having children is drastically high.

2. Once a child pops out, he/she becomes your centre of the universe-- not your life, not your wife's.

3. I'm currently not at a period when I can optimally provide for my child.

 

Yes, I love children. So much that my father had wanted me to be a paediatrician, and a warm fuzzy feeling never fails to arise in my chest when a connection is made.

 

I don't want to be a bad or mediocre father. If only things had worked out better for me, I might not have wavered from what I originally intended.

 

Now if my SO wanted one, I'd be for it under serious and thorough consideration.

[KungFuJoe]

I like making em....................

[jonsnuh]

I also forgot to mention one more crucial point:

 

This world is a terrible, terrible place to live in. I don't know if I could be responsible for bringing such a child into this misery, into chains of bondage.

 

Kind of like how the Matrix put it.

[Leigh 87]

I like making em....................

 

 

 

 

It sounds fun.

[Leigh 87]

I am not sure if it will be a dealbreaker as yet.

 

I have finally found a guy who is crazy about me and who I feel the same way about, so I sincerely hope it works out, but if he decides that not having kids would significantly impact his life, I will let him go.

 

I am trying to not be selfish here and keep him under the false pretence that I will change my mind about kids. Just to keep him.

 

I am the one who talked about it. He was cool to stay with me without even seriously having that conversation; he said it would be nice to have kids but yeah...

He says he doesn't want kids enough at this stage to leave me over the fact I DO NOT want them.

I will re visit it every year, so he has a chance to get out NOW and have ample time to find a partner who DOES want kids.

 

As it stands he thinks a life with me is worth more than having kids with a woman he feels lesser about, he doesn't think he will easily find a woman like me who he feels this way about.

 

We have to consider that true love is hard to find... where two people are utterly crazy for each other and have that passion, as well as truly loving and respecting one another.

He is 30 and he doesn't think he will find this level of love again easily, or necessarily in time to start over and have kids. He is 30.

 

I am going to put it to him every year, I am going to tell him he should really think about how badly he wants kids and if this relationship is worth it to him to forgo a possible dream of his.

He just isn't sure he wants kids badly enough yet but I will try to re visit the matter every year so he has a chance to get out if kids are that important to him.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I know men who don't want children, but to be honest with you they're usually not the kind of men women want to date that's my personal experience though and not that men who want or have children are necessarily "good" men either, on the contrary, many are far from being good fathers or partners, and I ponder what interest some women even find in these men, even after they reveal their extremely poor character and integrity...but then again, how often is it even about the man to begin with.

 

I've dated women who didn't want children, also had relationships with a few. In the long run I knew it would be a problem, but at the time In my 20's I wasn't planning on having kids anytime soon and a lot can happen between now and then, so it wasn't urgent and it wasn't the thing that ended or even contributed to the end of the relationship.

 

However for myself, having kids was something I always felt sure about, it wasn't ever this sudden feeling or realization or anything like that, it was more like a given, something I was looking forward to in the future, not something I'd question or reconsider, going back and forth of and such on my decision.

 

As I've gotten older, it has become even more clear that I do absolutely want kids of my own, I am not interested in adoption unless it was a special circumstance (like family or close friends children) or unless I had the means and stability to provide them with along with my own children (always imagined 2 to 3 of my own) a reasonable life.

 

What I don't understand is people who jump on one side of the fence or the other time to time, I admit that does rub me in the wrong way, because in your heart you know if you want children or not. And I've dated women who didn't want children and then they think about my needs as they are clear, and then start to become more open to the prospect of being a mother, and having children...whether for themselves or just for me.

 

But I really don't want any favors or love in that way, I definitely don't want someone making a decision like that over emotions with me or because of some compromise, because I would never do that for you, I wouldn't allow myself to love you that much in place of not having children. And I want someone who wants to be a mother because being a mother is not about me but a child. I'm not going to love that child for her or the both of us, and that child is going to feel if it's unwanted, and it is not something I'd want someone to regret because they did it for my sake or to salvage the relationship or with the idea it'll make me happy and in turn her happy, and she "might" like it after all...that is not what I'm looking for, I want someone who is confident in who they are and sure of what they want and doesn't waver because of a man.

 

Now for all I know, I could end up making babies sometime down the road, with a woman who wanted children and maybe I'd fail, maybe she'd fail and the whole thing would be a disaster. My biggest fear though is I've seen people have kids that then resent them, because they feel they've taken away from them or their lives, and they treat their children with resentment and dislike. That's what I'm really trying to avoid, and I feel confident in myself that I am not going to do that.

 

The next part is personal, not a judgment on those who do not desire children but a representation of how I feel..

 

I do not know how to or can relate to people who can see their lives and future without children, I don't know how many vacations you need, or how much success or accomplishments in your life is required, but what after that? will you be an old lady one day flipping through your holographic picture album, revisiting memories of the past in the places you've been and seen? Do you think you will just be young, good looking, wild and free forever? Is a relationship with another person, or even animals truly the only thing you crave out of this experience in life? will you ever get your fill on you?

 

I may be naive and idealistic in what it is to have children, and honestly this the last front besides partly romance that I truly have that little bit of wonderment and hope in, because I've seen much of the world for what it is now and have learned the difference between truth and fantasy. But I sure hope I'm at least half right about the fulfillment I will get from it, I do hope I am making the right decision to have children when that time comes with the right knowledge that I've gained in my life thus far.

 

After all, I never wanted to have children young and always wanted to live life before then and live part of my life as a whole just for myself, I just didn't see it that way all way through. But I know little about children or family life and only mostly what I've seen, and I do not envy others with a family and kids most of the time because I don't want to be just like them, so I do hope I'm able to add my own personal twist, because I just don't want this traditional monotonous lifestyle, where romance falls off the radar and you lose your sense of self or identity, I want it to continue to be adventurous while providing that stability, I don't want to get stuck in that typical box, but I do realize it's a huge sacrifice but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing...I guess that's the difference, I've never followed any rule-book to life and I'm very open to trying new things.

Edited April 19, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[mario_C]

I think it's more normal than people think. I do not want kids, I do not like being around kids, I feel the world has plenty of kids.

 

And I'm not the only one who feels that way. I read news stories about birth rates plunging in places like Japan, Scandinavia and Russia, to name a few.

[jonsnuh]

I think it's more normal than people think. I do not want kids, I do not like being around kids, I feel the world has plenty of kids.

 

And I'm not the only one who feels that way. I read news stories about birth rates plunging in places like Japan, Scandinavia and Russia, to name a few.

 

I did some demographic research (I can hear the scientists laughing at me right now) and it's a general trend with countries that are advanced democracies to have lower birth rates due to costs, aging and the changing gender roles. Most of these countries have the birth rate below the replacement rate (i.e. 2 kids to match the 2 parents), which is why immigration has been a key component to maintain population growth and population levels.

 

There is also a phenomenon of males in Japan that are being labelled as herbivore males-- men who generally are not interested in having sex, let alone having children.

[not-so-sure]

I never wanted kids of my own. I was pretty clear about that when I got married. I have two beautiful boys now, 5 and 7 and they light up my life.

 

If I were to have my time again I'd be firmer about not having kids. I have similar views about the world - there are more than enough of us, I'm not sure of the prospect for the world, etc.

 

They are my world now, but if I - we - had not had children then I would have found something else to fill that space.

[suladas]

Well it's not a good idea for kids to have kids.......

[dichotomy]

I am not sure if it will be a dealbreaker as yet.

 

I have finally found a guy who is crazy about me and who I feel the same way about, so I sincerely hope it works out, but if he decides that not having kids would significantly impact his life, I will let him go.

 

I am trying to not be selfish here and keep him under the false pretence that I will change my mind about kids. Just to keep him.

 

I am the one who talked about it. He was cool to stay with me without even seriously having that conversation; he said it would be nice to have kids but yeah...

He says he doesn't want kids enough at this stage to leave me over the fact I DO NOT want them.

I will re visit it every year, so he has a chance to get out NOW and have ample time to find a partner who DOES want kids.

 

As it stands he thinks a life with me is worth more than having kids with a woman he feels lesser about, he doesn't think he will easily find a woman like me who he feels this way about.

 

We have to consider that true love is hard to find... where two people are utterly crazy for each other and have that passion, as well as truly loving and respecting one another.

He is 30 and he doesn't think he will find this level of love again easily, or necessarily in time to start over and have kids. He is 30.

 

I am going to put it to him every year, I am going to tell him he should really think about how badly he wants kids and if this relationship is worth it to him to forgo a possible dream of his.

He just isn't sure he wants kids badly enough yet but I will try to re visit the matter every year so he has a chance to get out if kids are that important to him.

 

Based on what you say here - he is compromising a key desire for your love and I think you know how this is going to end. I am glad you will keep asking him, giving him an out, but he is not getting any younger. I always tend to look at possible time frames here - breakup/release him over this, he takes time to get over the relationship, start dating, go through a few woman, find a decent one, get engaged, get married, find a home, start trying for babies - and boom he is now 34-35. Have the first kid, recover, try again, now your 37 or 38.... you get the picture. Now I had kids in life later than this - so its not such a big issue, but just painting a picture for you and him if he ever does want kids its not like the next day you do it.

Edited April 19, 2014 by dichotomy

[dichotomy]

Are there many men like me who want to dedicate their money to a comfortable life and helping others/being altruistic?

 

Discuss.

 

 

I did/do all this ....and still had kids, but I understand what you mean with this thread.

[Leigh 87]

Don't forget that I aam getting my **** together later in life due to my troubled past.

 

I will have a degree at 31.

I will have a diploma I a field related to my degree end of this year.

I only work weekends serving drinks as it stands. I am 27. I MIGHT get full time at least 3 or 4 days a week work between now and end of degree.

I cannot afford to save for a child AND have any of my other dreams. That ship has truly sailed.

 

Not that I want kids. I definitely don't.

 

I have a plan much greater than anything that is self serving. I have known my entire life that I am going to dedicate myself to helping others. I have always known this. I have always known that kids weren't on the cards.

 

It is not the norm but frankly, I am not either. From the first day I saw those armless legless street beggars at such a young age when my parents flew overseas, I have always known what I wanted to dedicate my life towards doing.

 

It makes perfect sense to me that I am going to live a full and rich life without kids. It won't make sense to an individual who cannot fathom living their life to the fullest SANS kids.

[Leigh 87]

I did/do all this ....and still had kids, but I understand what you mean with this thread.

 

 

 

That ship has sailed for me.

 

I will not amass the savings due to me getting my college degree later in life. I am trying to find full time wor now but without a degree it's hard. There are few and far between food server and waitress jobs that are full time in Australia.

 

For me, and my bf for that matter, our joint income would only be eenough for kids and nothin else.

 

I would have pick: kids and a life lived purely in Australia. No more overseas travel for most of my life. I wouldn't be able to support my mum into old age. I wouldn't be able to rescue animals. I wouldn't be able to be very altruistic since we would be struggling so much just to get by.

 

I don't want kids at all, much less badly enough to give up all my dreams for.

[Leigh 87]

This effing sucks.

 

I finally found the guy who adores me and is actually IN love with mme and who I aactually feel the same way about.

 

But alas EVERYONE wants bloody kids.

[thefooloftheyear]

This effing sucks.

 

I finally found the guy who adores me and is actually IN love with mme and who I aactually feel the same way about.

 

But alas EVERYONE wants bloody kids.

 

Well...you cant really blame them or get angry about it....

 

I think you are putting a mental block in place...You dont know what the future holds and you are still young...Perhaps leave that door open for a while...

 

I say this as I didnt think I wanted kids either...Now I am absolutely thrilled to be a dad..I wouldnt change it for the world..

 

Keeo an open mind...And dont obsess over the money part...You dont know what will happen there, either.,

 

I wish you well

 

TFY

[hotpotato]

Ive thought about getting my tubes tied, and im not even 30!

 

Turns out I wont need to because, well, god has made that decision for me.

 

If you were pregnant,and saw little bean on a scan, youd probably be very happy.

 

You can travel if you have kids, but its a lot more difficult. I understand the joy of doing what you want, when you want. I would also have to put my goals on hold if I had a kid. Having kids changes a lot if you are a woman.

[dichotomy]

I understand (well I can try) that you don't like or feel the emotion for having kids. So ok thats a reason..

 

However you also mix in here in the last few posts about money and your age and degree status - being "a reason" that the ship has sailed. Meh - not so good an excuse - the ship has hardly left port for you yet young lady. You still got a future of endless possibilities - kids or not

[stillafool]

I've known I didn't want kids since I was 14. Now that I'm much, much older I have not changed my mind nor have any regrets about that decision.

[VeronicaRoss]

My only ambition as a teen was to be a mom and do some vague interesting work.

 

But I kept on getting involved with men that I didn't want to have kids with, usually because they were the creative types where finances were never stable. And the thought of marrying 'a normal guy' and living a normal suburban life looked like living death.

 

By the time I found the man of my dreams he was infertile and I was 40 and it was very risky. He didn't want to adopt. Like me he always assumed he'd have kids but he made similar partner choices. And here we are without kids. We agree we would have been great parents, probably starting at the age of 40!

 

I really love my life, no major regrets. I give lots of time and money to the people in my life who are single parents or overwhelmed couples with kids. I volunteer teach kids. The kid stage of life is awesome to participate in but I don't have to be a parent to do it -- parents need support. It takes a village.

 

I've seen a lot of men and women feel strongly one way or the other and change their minds and hearts -- life and even ourselves are not predictable. So keep your options open just in case you do change. And don't let anyone coerce you because of 'love' into having kids you don't want. Not fair to the kids.

[Leigh 87]

I understand (well I can try) that you don't like or feel the emotion for having kids. So ok thats a reason..

 

However you also mix in here in the last few posts about money and your age and degree status - being "a reason" that the ship has sailed. Meh - not so good an excuse - the ship has hardly left port for you yet young lady. You still got a future of endless possibilities - kids or not

 

 

I truly feel the ship has sailed.

 

a degree at 31. I am already 27.....

 

i will have my degree, no savings (sorry but I am not working through college to put it towards a child fund) and possibleno job for a good year or even more.

 

At best: I will have a professional job by age 33 or 34. And that's if I do end up getting a job within a yyear or two post degree.

 

At BEST I will be able support a child BUT have nothing else.

 

I don't want a child much to begin with... much less having a child as SOON as I start earning an income post degree.

 

The ship has sailed for me to have a child AND travel AND rescue dogs.

 

At best.. i will have a child and be able to support it. That's very depressing to me.

 

I don't want to say goodbye to overseas travel in my mid 30s.

[Iguanna]

If you really want to help other kids and be altruistic, I find it bizarre that you don't want to have your own kids. It sounds like you want to be altruistic only to the extent that this altruism does not influence your life greatly and you get to choose when it will stop. In my ears being altruistic for other people's kids but still wanting to have a comfortable life financially is a little hypocritical. Like you want to give to others but only that much as it doesn't influence your well being. This is not charity. This is, I give my leftovers and pretend that I'm a good person. Pure charity for me exists only when you give to people who have more needs than you things and money you will miss. If a millionaire give hundreds of dollars to someone, they won't miss it, probably he won't even notice that they lost this money. But giving what you will much miss, that's pure altruism in my opinion.

[dichotomy]

I truly feel the ship has sailed.

 

a degree at 31. I am already 27.....

 

i will have my degree, no savings (sorry but I am not working through college to put it towards a child fund) and possibleno job for a good year or even more.

 

At best: I will have a professional job by age 33 or 34. And that's if I do end up getting a job within a yyear or two post degree.

 

At BEST I will be able support a child BUT have nothing else.

 

I don't want a child much to begin with... much less having a child as SOON as I start earning an income post degree.

 

The ship has sailed for me to have a child AND travel AND rescue dogs.

 

At best.. i will have a child and be able to support it. That's very depressing to me.

 

I don't want to say goodbye to overseas travel in my mid 30s.

 

 

Again MEH..... - I had my first biochild at 42, and I may not be done yet _ I never followed societies time lines and besides life had other plans for me as far as kids go.

 

Age is not what it used to be...

 

but I am not going to argue with you - you don't want kids and this is just kind of proof of life for you with your situation. There is so much you can accomplish yet. Money, Travel, helping others, adventure - it all awaits you in 30's 40's 50's and beyond if you take care of yourself and there is no unfortunate health issues that happen.

Edited April 19, 2014 by dichotomy

[passion_flower]

I think having kids is the most altruistic thing you can do, especially adopting.

 

But I understand people who don't want them, it's a huge commitment.