How is a cold approach actually supposed to work?

[topaMAXX]

What you brought up is exactly my biggest issue with cold approaching.

 

Because I don't know anything about a woman I see walking around, the only reason I would approach her is because I think she's attractive. I'm not even really thinking about having sex with her, because I'm not into the casual stuff.

 

So I'm getting stuck on why I should approach woman I don't know, when I don't have much of a drive to have sex with randoms.

 

As a guy that used to do a lot of approaching in the past, I can tell you that it is 100% a numbers game.

 

I was successful for a while and attracted many different types of women, but I ultimately found it to be unpleasant and unfulfilling. I really don't go out anymore and it's been many months since I've approached women.

 

I've found that it's almost always work. It feels like work to me. Talking to the girl, getting the girl out, keeping her around, etc. More work than fun, imo. The few that have been fun are fleeting and leave as easily as they came. You can't make mistakes, or the women are simply on to the next one.

 

Oh well. I focus on my career and traveling now, which is far more enjoyable than cold approaching/dating.

[irc333]

 

I've found that it's almost always work. It feels like work to me. Talking to the girl, getting the girl out, keeping her around, etc. More work than fun, imo. The few that have been fun are fleeting and leave as easily as they came. You can't make mistakes, or the women are simply on to the next one.

 

Oh well. I focus on my career and traveling now, which is far more enjoyable than cold approaching/dating.

 

Yeah, I have a male friend of mine, he's been single for a good long time, his age 49. HE's had women interested in him, but to him it's been quite the chore and work and he's just enjoying his hobbies, sailing, socializing with friends without the concern of attempting to impress.

 

Sadly, from what has been mentioned in these forums, it's all about what to do to impress someone or get someone attracted to you.

 

Personally, I think there should be really little work (other than hygienic of course) to get someone attracted to you.

[hasaquestion]

Yeah, I have a male friend of mine, he's been single for a good long time, his age 49. He's had women interested in him, but to him it's been quite the chore and work and he's just enjoying his hobbies, sailing, socializing with friends without the concern of attempting to impress.

 

Sadly, from what has been mentioned in these forums, it's all about what to do to impress someone or get someone attracted to you.

 

Personally, I think there should be really little work (other than hygienic of course) to get someone attracted to you.

 

Why should it be little work?

 

If you want to be above average at anything, you need to work for it.

 

Good undergrad programs have acceptance rates of 10-20%, average doesn't stand a ghost of a chance. Lucrative jobs then take all the people who managed to get into those good programs... and reject most of them.

 

That girl with a nice figure? Its not an accident. She spends an hour a day at the gym, eats salad at every meal and takes out the croutons, etc. Likewise, guys who are huge aren't huge by accident. Heavy lifting, strict diets, a whole lot of dedication. Popularity isn't an accident either, you have to put yourself out there to meet people, pay attention and play the game well. It takes effort.

 

See where I'm going with this? Success is rarely an accident. TopaMAX gave up doing what it takes to be successful with women.... to do what it takes to be successful with his job.

 

I don't feel bad for anyone who doesn't outwork those around them. Never have never will.

[spiderowl]

If she looks like you say, she's certain to be used to guys hitting on her for exactly the same reasons as you. As a female who used to get random guys hitting on her for no apparent reason, it feels strange and scary. You can sense they are drawn to do it and don't know why. It just feels wrong. I used to brush guys off because I didn't know what they wanted and was pretty sure they weren't interested in chatting to me.

 

You could try approaching her, but being friendly and relaxed about it rather than hectic and dazed would make a difference. Getting to know her through friends would be better. Random guys can be anything from guys who are wildly attracted to nutters. You have to be really careful who you let into your life if they just appear from nowhere.

[carhill]

How is a cold approach actually supposed to work?

 

IME, become fluent in casual and situational humor. Practice it on people you're not attracted to. I do this with flight attendants (men too!), people I encounter in my travels, when shopping, etc. People I know I'll never see again. Once a pattern of what works based on feedback and perceived response to one's physicality and demeanor, a style of interaction can be nailed down as something one can use, with small variations, on anyone. I find this to be especially important for myself since I live so far from civilization. I call it a social skills tune-up.

 

Figure out your strengths and go with them. For each of us, they are different. Showcase your strengths when making a first impression during a cold approach. Strength imbues confidence. Women like confidence.

 

In your example, this young lady likely has had men leering at her and talking to her breasts since puberty. What can you do to set yourself apart from the masses? In this situation, I go with my strength, my baby blue eyes, and look her in the eyes and make a light-hearted off-hand comment about the day. I never glance at her breasts. By the time I've uttered a word, she's already decided whether or not I'll get ten seconds, or more, of her time, so that part is already out of my control so I don't worry about it. Life is full of moments. Enjoy each of them. So soon they're gone. Good luck!

[iiiii]

I have been cold approached by guys several times in my life, and it was flattering, but I will generally say no to a stranger asking me on a date, simply because I usually find dates with complete strangers really strained and uncomfortable.

 

The few times I've agreed it was because:

 

1. I found the guy reasonably physically attractive (doesn't need to be male model material, but if the poor dude is so unattractive/smelly/ugly that I can't imagine ever shagging him then why accept a date?)

2. The cold approach conversation he struck up was fun and not strained.

 

I am pretty shy - I hate awkward dates. But if the conversation is fun, I might think, well why not give him a chance?

 

[kodakgirl]

I don't go around "cold approaching" much, but occasionally I see someone I just can't pass up and....they didn't take note of me. Nothing. But I want her none the less.

 

I go up to them like I do a girl I don't know, but have noticed...noticing me.

 

I just greet them, ask if they don't mind me interrupting them or appologize for doing so. I have said before on here that I go up to women in this manner and been told it is wrong or lame or something else...I forgot. I dunno, it's what I always do and seems to work great for me. I am sure there are better ways, but whatever, this is what works for me. Anyway, I have never had a girl mind me interrupting her or taking up her time. Then I just introduce myself and talk to them like normal.

 

Last girl I actually "cold approached" was playing solitair on her phone in Starbucks. I asked if I could sit and talk with her while I drank my latte. She pulled out the chair next to her for me. We talked about solitair and I lead it into the ramifications of using a one card draw vrs three.

 

I am a 1 card draw player. I think of solitair as a mental speed recognization kinda game and I like playing it in that manner. She was a 1 card draw player too. This conversation actually went on for a while and lead into playing freecell. I am a speed player and if it looks like it's going to be a long game, I just restart. She plays every game to win and actually had a 100% win streak(with lots of games played) on her phone. The conversation continued on about personalities and choices we make on how we approach things.

 

 

You need to start a small talk conversation and lead it to deep talk fast or whatever feels comfortable and not forced.

 

I love this. That's fun, and interesting, and engaging. Even if you never see each other again, it's still a win because you both had a fun conversation and a little connection. A fun conversation and little connection is going to put a smile on my face all day! I feel if you're approaching a stranger, you should go into it with that kind of "win-win" mindset-- she might not be interested, but if you've done it well a) you have the pleasure of getting to meet someone new and potentially interesting (if you don't genuinely enjoy meeting new people, I don't see how you'll ever succeed at cold approaches, personally) and b) you've brightened up her day. If you think those things are good, it's not a waste of time no matter the outcome. If you don't care about either of those things at all... well, honestly, that might be a good part of the reason she's not interested. It might still be nerve-wracking and/or disappointing, but you should be able to get some enjoyment out of the process. (and I say this as a shy girl who has done "cool" approaches at least!)

[irc333]

I usually do cold approaches during the holidays, but ONLY if there's good reason to. Like waiting for coffee in line or some location where you're kind of "stuck" standing next to each other (some person in front taking forever to write a check for groceries, lol)

 

One time I was in line for coffee during the holidays, placed my order and moved aside as they made it.

 

Noticed this attractive woman approached the counter, she placed her order and she started to wait to. The silence was deafening, so I thought this was a great opportunity to talk to her.

 

I said, "So you ready for the holidays, get your Christmas shopping done".

 

She looks at me with cold eyes and says, "Yeah", and looks back up the large menu on the wall.

 

And I said, "Good deal, I'm just about done myself....I noticed you ordered the <name of certain brew of coffee>, I never had that before, what's it like?"

 

Never even looked away from the wall/menu she was staring at...

 

"It's good".

 

By that point, she got the coffee and took off.

 

So thus my reason for not cold approaching all that often.

 

 

I love this. That's fun, and interesting, and engaging. Even if you never see each other again, it's still a win because you both had a fun conversation and a little connection. A fun conversation and little connection is going to put a smile on my face all day! I feel if you're approaching a stranger, you should go into it with that kind of "win-win" mindset-- she might not be interested, but if you've done it well a) you have the pleasure of getting to meet someone new and potentially interesting (if you don't genuinely enjoy meeting new people, I don't see how you'll ever succeed at cold approaches, personally) and b) you've brightened up her day. If you think those things are good, it's not a waste of time no matter the outcome. If you don't care about either of those things at all... well, honestly, that might be a good part of the reason she's not interested. It might still be nerve-wracking and/or disappointing, but you should be able to get some enjoyment out of the process. (and I say this as a shy girl who has done "cool" approaches at least!)

[irc333]

I recall a male friend of mine who used to attend MEetup events with me, (no married).

 

He called me up and said he was bringing his ex-wife (he was newly married at that time) and her other friend to an event and asked me if I was going, too.

 

I said that I had planned on going, too. When he brought them to the event, they only spent time with each other and no one else. I asked, "So you guys get around to mingling? Talked to anyone?

 

(They talked to me pretty much, but only because I was introduced by my friend).

 

They said that they really have no interest in meeting NEW people.

 

I found this to be a VERY odd and snobbish remark, but what do you expect of "townies" that grew up only familiar with their own grade school friends and church go-ers?

[irc333]

Success is rarely an accident.

 

 

People get into good jobs, usually because its "who you know" so not a really good example when comparing dating. I used to laugh when I would hear punk kids in college who are barely 21 that said they ALREADY landed some 80K a year job before graduation....then find out later it was their uncle that hired them.

Edited April 22, 2014 by irc333

[MidwestUSA]

People get into good jobs, usually because its "who you know" so not a really good example when comparing dating. I used to laugh when I would hear punk kids in college who are barely 21 that said they ALREADY landed some 80K a year job before graduation....then find out later it was their uncle that hired them.

 

 

And here's yet another example of one instance becoming 'usually'.

 

So now everyone that has a good job knew somebody.

 

You do need to get out of that back water town.

[AnthonyLorenzo]

I love this. That's fun, and interesting, and engaging. Even if you never see each other again, it's still a win because you both had a fun conversation and a little connection. A fun conversation and little connection is going to put a smile on my face all day! I feel if you're approaching a stranger, you should go into it with that kind of "win-win" mindset-- she might not be interested, but if you've done it well a) you have the pleasure of getting to meet someone new and potentially interesting (if you don't genuinely enjoy meeting new people, I don't see how you'll ever succeed at cold approaches, personally) and b) you've brightened up her day. If you think those things are good, it's not a waste of time no matter the outcome. If you don't care about either of those things at all... well, honestly, that might be a good part of the reason she's not interested. It might still be nerve-wracking and/or disappointing, but you should be able to get some enjoyment out of the process. (and I say this as a shy girl who has done "cool" approaches at least!)

 

I completely agree. When I approach a lady, I have the intention of brightening her day. Who doesn't want that. If I can leave her feeling better than when I found her, not only does it make her day, but I feel amazing. Stick with positive thinking. It will change everything.

[somedude81]

I completely agree. When I approach a lady, I have the intention of brightening her day. Who doesn't want that. If I can leave her feeling better than when I found her, not only does it make her day, but I feel amazing. Stick with positive thinking. It will change everything.

Isn't that the Boy Scouts motto?

 

As for cold approaching, I don't know if I have the confidence or whatever to get rejected over and over.

[carhill]

Isn't that the Boy Scouts motto?

 

As for cold approaching, I don't know if I have the confidence or whatever to get rejected over and over.

I incentivized the rejection process by pledging each iteration of date money rejected (I always paid for dates) to buying oil company stock, earmarking it to purchase a wedding ring for the lady who finally noticed the sparkly tree in the forest. As it worked out, I was so successful in getting rejected that the wedding ring fund grew far beyond what I spent on my exW's rings and we used some of it for vacation too.

 

You can choose how you view things. How you accept what life throws at you. Choices.

[AnthonyLorenzo]

Isn't that the Boy Scouts motto?

 

As for cold approaching, I don't know if I have the confidence or whatever to get rejected over and over.

 

LOL... You are probably correct on that. It still works though. If you go in with a helpful attitude, like a boy scout, you won't get rejected unless you are trying to "Sell" yourself. Treat her like a friend you have had for a long time. A kind of friend you are NOT attracted to. If you can convince yourself that you are NOT attracted to her before you do anything, you body language will change and you will see the way she changes as you approach.

 

Confidence comes from letting go. Make fun of yourself in a playful way. Ladies are extremely good at reading body language and if you have any kind of sexual agenda on your mind, she will know before you even get to her.

 

When I was getting used to all this, I had severe approach anxiety. I was terrified. It felt like my legs were going to buckle underneath me.

 

That part you just have to push through. Collect yourself the best you can, force your legs to cooperate. If you go in with a genuine smile and a playful attitude, you can't loose. That goes for anyone you meet. Not just ladies.

[IndianBabu]

Ah the ol' "Denial of the 'who you know' card, I know it all too well". We can go back and forth on cards all day. lol

 

Connections, nepotism, familial, etc. It's all basically the same.

 

75%.......that you knew.

 

Funny, how I watch the news, even in BIG cities (for those who think I should leave this backwater town)....I saw people lining up outside the building at job fairs and usually for jobs that paid around 30K or less a year.

 

Tons of new graduates struggle to find work, some wind up moving back in with their parents after college until they DO find work.

 

I'm unsure though how a early 20's young kid just Waltzed his way into a 80K a year job by "earning" it? I'd really like to know.

 

Did you master the art of resume writing?

Did you say all the right things during the job interview?

 

Or lastly, did someone from your social/familial circles say, "Hey, let's hire that guy that goes golfing with us every weekend, sure he may not know the ropes, but we'll be happy to show him how the position works."

 

I'm not sure what you're so butthurt about. I know most of my friends who were in engineering ended up getting jobs in the 70-90k range to start with.

 

A few in psychology who pursued masters (completed by ~24) and were easily making 70+

 

Friends in nursing make about the same.

 

These were all (with the exception of pyschology) 4 year degree programs. Maybe you meant individuals who majored in art and literature. I could see them struggle to make 80s right off the bat.

[IndianBabu]

Also, judging by the threads you (irc333) start, you seem to like blaming "others" for your lack of success.

 

Nothing personal, just an observation.

[somedude81]

How does any of that relate to cold approaching?

[somedude81]

LOL... You are probably correct on that. It still works though. If you go in with a helpful attitude, like a boy scout, you won't get rejected unless you are trying to "Sell" yourself. Treat her like a friend you have had for a long time. A kind of friend you are NOT attracted to. If you can convince yourself that you are NOT attracted to her before you do anything, you body language will change and you will see the way she changes as you approach.

 

Confidence comes from letting go. Make fun of yourself in a playful way. Ladies are extremely good at reading body language and if you have any kind of sexual agenda on your mind, she will know before you even get to her.

 

When I was getting used to all this, I had severe approach anxiety. I was terrified. It felt like my legs were going to buckle underneath me.

 

That part you just have to push through. Collect yourself the best you can, force your legs to cooperate. If you go in with a genuine smile and a playful attitude, you can't loose. That goes for anyone you meet. Not just ladies.

Actaully, when it comes to me, women are very bad at figuring out my sexual agenda. Though that's more about how I am, then how the women are.

 

I don't think you're friend attitude is going to work for me. Or else I might actually make a friend, which is not what I'm looking for.

 

I'm actually not scared of the approach, I just get nervous when I try to switch gears into wanting something from her.

[topaMAXX]

People get into good jobs, usually because its "who you know" so not a really good example when comparing dating. I used to laugh when I would hear punk kids in college who are barely 21 that said they ALREADY landed some 80K a year job before graduation....then find out later it was their uncle that hired them.

 

My first job out of grad school paid around 100k. I knew nobody (I do now though ).

[KungFuJoe]

Or else I might actually make a friend, which is not what I'm looking for.

 

And this is why you struggle.

 

It's like you're so ready to write your name on a cake with icing but you don't even know how to bake one.

[ja123]

IMO it doesn't matter what you say, what matters the most is your state of mind when you do it. If you are confident enough and have the right attitude, you could probably pull off complimenting her breasts.

 

I have personally said some rediculously stupid things to ladies and because I was in a great mood and didn't really care what she thought of me, I still got a great response. And no none of them had been drinking. It was a dare from a buddy of mine but one time I approached a 9 and commented on her dry skin. She was thrown off a bit but altimately I just kept my genuine smile and bantered a bit and the rest is good times. Stop worrying about the details and just have fun with it.

 

 

 

Major PUA, bro.

 

 

Did that come naturally, or did you really have to work at your game?

[topaMAXX]

Major PUA, bro.

 

 

Did that come naturally, or did you really have to work at your game?

 

Don't hate on the negs, breh.

[somedude81]

And this is why you struggle.

 

It's like you're so ready to write your name on a cake with icing but you don't even know how to bake one.

Dude, I don't even know what ingredients go into the cake. Don't you just throw a bunch of chocolate into the bowl and turn on the oven?

 

I can make friends with women super easily. If I wanted to, I could have a bunch of super hot lady friends (that all have boyfriends) that hang out with me, and I'd never fu*k any of them. That's not what I want.

 

I don't know if you saw my latest post in the thread I made in Dating, about the really cute girl who is very friendly with me, who happens to be married. It's frustrating for me to spend time with women like that when I can't have them.

 

I'm tired of borrowing women for some clean fun then they go back to their boyfriends and husbands who get to have the dirty fun!

 

I've only been sexually active for five months in my entire life. Try to understand how much that frustrates me.

Edited April 23, 2014 by somedude81

[AnthonyLorenzo]

Major PUA, bro.

 

 

Did that come naturally, or did you really have to work at your game?

 

Actually my grandpa taught me how to be interesting and the rest took experience and a sh*t load of rejections. It just takes practice and a good attitude. I would hardly call myself a PUA. I just like to talk to people and see what they're about.