The WS and his/her view of self

[Steadfast]

Whatever. I didn't cheat.

 

I had that card in my hand but I still didn't win. Not with her anyway.

 

Frankly, I wasn't much interested in whether her cheating was a symptom of something else or not early on. Later, I learned it absolutely was. And while I can say she 'cheated down' I don't think she and him really cared what I thought. Her actions proved she gained 'more' with 'less'.

 

Look, my ex could have carried on with a Harvard law professor and it wouldn't have mattered. Education, status, or even IQ can't replace devotion, sex appeal and desire. It's clear by the tone of your post that you expected more given your status but I don't believe most people will swallow that easily. I hate cheating and detest when people try to justify the action, but I can say that I'd be more tempted to slide down the scale if my spouse classified me by my pay scale, education or social status.

 

In my opinion 'haughty eyes' is a respect/romance killer. It's (at least) the opposite of making a sincere connection. I get the feeling you're not buying any of this and since I'm not your father, I won't take it personally.

 

Still, with your attitude I seriously doubt much will change.

[Furious]

I don't want to make too much of the "affair down" concept because I feel like it's a sop to my self-esteem, but when my husband cheated on me he chose someone who is much less accomplished than I am in every way. She is an unemployed recovering drug addict and I am a professional. I don't make tons of money because I work for a nonprofit organization, but I am well regarded by my peers. My husband has a good job but he is not as well educated as I am.

 

I am guessing that he chose this person because he felt superior to her and because she was available...it made him feel "validated" because in her eyes he was a "catch." Needless to say, she is mentally and emotionally unstable and ending the affair took several painful days of phone calls and text messages that I had to sit through. I was quite sure that we were going to need to take out a restraining order.

 

I worry about what kind of person he is...that he felt the need to "prove" himself with someone else, particularly someone who sounded like she needed professional help of some kind. We had been having some financial difficulties in our marriage and he said that he felt as though I had been looking down on him...I don't really know what to make of all this. I don't think that this gave him a license to cheat, obviously.

 

Did your WS "affair down" and what traits in your spouse do you think pushed them in this direction?

 

 

People who have affairs usually don't put too much thought into long term viability in the affair partner. An affair is conducted in the "now" and whomever their having an affair with the future is something they really don't want to think about.

 

Many people get into affairs with someone they may not see as a long term partner, therefore the criteria of a long term partner does not come into consideration.

 

Of course the WS will never admit this to a single OW/OM, but for many married affair partners they readily set the bar, and tell each each other they cannot or will not leave their marriage, but want this supplement arrangement.

 

I don't believe cheaters spend a great of thought into if they're affairing down or up. An affair in itself is an experiment with someone that perhaps they'd not give a chance to if it was about the long term.

 

If a wayward wife had financial stability within her marriage then a unemployed lover would not be an issue. Chances are if she were to get divorced she may think again about her unemployed lover.

 

Notserene...you're trying to make sense out of something that will never make sense on paper. Your husband cheated with someone who was equal to him in an affair dynamic.

 

Being accomplished and a good person, unfortunately does not make a marriage affair proof.

 

My advice to you is to spend more of your energy on yourself, and what you need and want. Trying to decode cheaters is a wasted effort. You can't fix anyone, they need to do it for themselves. Some are remorseful and dig deep, some blame shift, some want to sweep it under the rug and ignore the elephant in the room.

 

No marriage is perfect...smooth sailing at all times but..there are those who only like smooth waters and jump ship if there's a cloud in the sky.

 

You're going to get a lot of interesting advice and criticism, take what is good for you and the rest with a grain of salt.

[forbidden_love]

My MM and I are more compatible, that's all. Plus I like sex which was a bonus. I do not think I am anything like his BS - total opposites no better or worse and he is nothing like my ex. I love him because we feel the same about nearly everything.We had grown apart from our respective spouses emotionally years before. 3 years in he told me he had wished he had met me before but that she was a good woman and wanted to make him happy. Obviously at her cost.

[Appreciate]

My MM and I are more compatible, that's all. Plus I like sex which was a bonus. I do not think I am anything like his BS - total opposites no better or worse and he is nothing like my ex. I love him because we feel the same about nearly everything.We had grown apart from our respective spouses emotionally years before. 3 years in he told me he had wished he had met me before but that she was a good woman and wanted to make him happy. Obviously at her cost.

 

Most people like sex. Most people aren't getting as much sex as they would like. What's the point?

 

"Right person, wrong timing" Standard cheater fare. I am sure it feels that way from the chemical rush of being together, but does that make it true?

 

I see.. he's a great man. He doesn't want to hurt anybody. How noble. Meanwhile, you are willing to accept second place. Wait.. no not second place because you know you can give him what his wife can't, right? So that makes you first place in your head. Face it, you are living in a fantasy world. If the both of you really belong together, then he should spare his wife of living an illusion and let her find someone who can truly love HER and only her. He loves two women: you and his wife. Are you okay with that? If you can't maintain NC, then you are still in affair. Even if it's stealing an hour here other every week or two.

 

Let me ask you.. why is that so many affairs blow up at D-Day? Why are 90% of the OW's on this board thrown under a bus? Did you think you were an exception to the rule?

Edited April 18, 2014 by Appreciate