Author CFMB Posted May 8, 2014 Author Share Posted May 8, 2014 Copy everthing that is of relevance to her and give that to her. She does not need to know about her other sisters issue, do not let her. Thanks. I can't believe I didn't think of that. Brains just not working right at the moment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Well it's been done and it's very sad to see the hurt it has caused. I'm not sure I've even done the right thing now. The older sister and her husband have split in a very public and angry way. The parents are really struggling dealing with not only the breakup but also why and the light it sheds on their deceased daughter. And that's just the immediate effect. The ripples will continue... infinitely. I feel for this family. Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Thanks. I can't believe I didn't think of that. Brains just not working right at the moment. Completely understandable, it's hard to think in situations like yours. I hope everything clears up for you very quickly and that you all can resume your normal lives. As BetrayedH said above, you have been dealt a crappy hand, but you've been handling it very well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whirl3daway Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 And that's just the immediate effect. The ripples will continue... infinitely. I feel for this family. and that is not OP's fault. he should not feel guilty for this. we tend to blame the "whistleblower" more than we blame who are truly at fault. the OP did not force this wayward H to cheat on his wife with her own sister. what a despicable person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) and that is not OP's fault. he should not feel guilty for this. we tend to blame the "whistleblower" more than we blame who are truly at fault. the OP did not force this wayward H to cheat on his wife with her own sister. what a despicable person. He made the conscious decision to become the instrument by which these lives were changed, for better or worse. I'm not saying fault because that's a judgement and presumes too much. He didn't do the betrayal, but he single handedly implemented the effect. I don't buy the crap about it being imperative, the only right thing to do, or whatever excuse people use to delude themselves into believing it's right to force their own values and opinions on the universe. Whether it would've been better for the second sister's marriage to continue happily in ignorance or be destroyed by knowledge is not for me (or you) to say... the OP was truly in a difficult position. The thing I take issue with are people who are narcissistic enough that think they have all the answers, and that their notions trump the wellbeing of innocent people. Edited May 8, 2014 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
whirl3daway Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 He made the conscious decision to become the instrument by which these lives were changed, for better or worse. I'm not saying fault because that's a judgement and presumes too much. He didn't do the betrayal, but he single handedly implemented the effect. I don't buy the crap about it being imperative, the only right thing to do, or whatever excuse people use to delude themselves into believing it's right to force their own values and opinions on the universe. Whether it would've been better for the second sister's marriage to continue happily in ignorance or be destroyed by knowledge is not for me (or you) to say... the OP was truly in a difficult position. The thing I take issue with are people who are narcissistic enough that think they have all the answers, and that their notions trump the wellbeing of innocent people. all I can say is - obviously it was a dealbreaker to the sister. and it would have been a dealbreaker to me. I would have wanted to know, so I would have told the sister as well. It's not about having all the answers - it's about having respect. I respect anyone I call a friend enough to care about their wellbeing. I would want them to know and make their own decision. It is cruel to keep something like this from another person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 It's not about having all the answers - it's about having respect. I respect anyone I call a friend enough to care about their wellbeing. I would want them to know and make their own decision. It is cruel to keep something like this from another person. Ok, so you would've wanted to know... but how do you make the leap to that being what's right? Can you not consider such a dilemma without putting yourself at the center? I don't think there is a basis for your conclusion that it would be cruel not to tell; it's just your opinion and that certainly doesn't make it a universal truth. I'm not hearing any compelling argument behind your assertion at all. I commend the OP for investigating the complexities of a difficult ethical dilemma. Even after the fact he acknowledges that it's not clear what was right, wrong or best. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 This was never going to work out well no matter what I did but I still feel really drained and emotional that it seems as though I have not just lost my dearest friend but now will likely lose an entire family (or at the very least it will never be the same). I hope no-one else ever has to deal with something like this. Hopefully if they do they'll just listen to me instead. You know there's a chance eventually they work past this and get back together, and in that case you're really screwed. Again, people like it better if you let them wallow in ignorance. Remember that if you value a relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbes' wagon Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 CFMB, I'm proud of you! I think you did a great deed for the innocent ones, and for your dear friend. I understand it is hard, but sometimes the right thing is the hardest, and it so in this case. I agree with others, tell her that you've made promises and that you will give her see the copies of the pages regarding her, but not the rest. Or, alternatively, cut out the pages about her from the diary and give them to the sister (so she'll know they're authentic) and keep the rest of the diary. Again, I am so so proud of you and I wish more people were like you! Also, what the husband has said - do you have any witnesses? Have you told anyone what he said? Do you think he might try to hurt you? What does the sister say about this? Have you considered some sort of therapy for yourself to help you deal with the fallout of her death, these revelations, doubts,...? Best wishes! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbes' wagon Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Salparadise, he very well might have saved the sister's health&life. Who knows what kind of STD her cheating husband might have eventually given her. I had to get tested for STDs. I wish I had known sooner about being cheated, I could have avoided those risks. If he had kept his mouth shut, he would have been an instrument of endangering their/her health. And he didn't destroy anything - they did when the cheated. It's the same thing with what to advise people that cheat, whether to tell their partner or not. The right thing is almost always to immediately tell them. Because it won't be the telling the is the big problem, but the act before, the cheating. He did the right thing. He protected the innocent ones by choosing the least bad option. He had no good options left due to bad actions by others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 ...Hence my advice to now back off and lay low. As they say, "no good deed goes unpunished "... And yet when asked, most people claim they would want a friend to tell them if they knew that their partner was cheating.... I know that I would, and that the friends that knew and did not tell me are no longer my friends. I much prefer honesty over convenience, I respect that path a great deal more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CFMB Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 This is no longer the COp's concern. It really isn't. That is true to an extent but these people are my family, maybe not my biological family but they are the ones that have always been there for me. When I came out as gay when I was 17 my parents basically disowned me and this family took me under their wing (I was dating my best friend at the time, long story). To now be an 'outsider' to all but the older sister really stings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CFMB Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 Also, what the husband has said - do you have any witnesses? Have you told anyone what he said? Do you think he might try to hurt you? What does the sister say about this? No witnesses and it's a very real threat that he might carry out, he does have a history of violence when drunk. I have made a police report of the threat, I have no idea whether they have spoken to him. Have you considered some sort of therapy for yourself to help you deal with the fallout of her death, these revelations, doubts,...? I have considered it but haven't done anything about it just yet. I have had too much on my mind as I'm sure you can appreciate. I am even on 'a break' from my partner right now as I haven't been the best person to be around lately. Link to post Share on other sites
whirl3daway Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 To now be an 'outsider' to all but the older sister really stings. I hope you can take heart in the fact that the person who matters in this situation - the one who received all the heartbreak - she's on your side. Her family will come around. Right now, it's easier to blame you than it is to acknowledge that your best friend was not who she portrayed herself to be, and they can't do anything about it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 That is true to an extent but these people are my family, maybe not my biological family but they are the ones that have always been there for me. When I came out as gay when I was 17 my parents basically disowned me and this family took me under their wing (I was dating my best friend at the time, long story). To now be an 'outsider' to all but the older sister really stings. Give it some time. I have a feeling that people just need time to process but eventually they will realize that you're not the villian in this scenario but really just another victim. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 No witnesses and it's a very real threat that he might carry out, he does have a history of violence when drunk. I have made a police report of the threat, I have no idea whether they have spoken to him. I have considered it but haven't done anything about it just yet. I have had too much on my mind as I'm sure you can appreciate. I am even on 'a break' from my partner right now as I haven't been the best person to be around lately. CFMB, you did not do this, she did. What kind of a woman sleeps with both of her sister's men ? What kind of a family is this ?; to have this kind of affairs under their noses, for one of them to forgive a bf for this ... indiscretion ? Look at what kind of a man the older sister chose to marry, violence when drunk, can only threaten the one who exposes his affair when it comes to light ... and afterall, it takes 2 to tango. I would ask myself, how did these girls grow up ?; what kind of examples did they have in life ?; what led the middle sister to believe it was all OK, and the younger sister to just sweep it under the rug ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 CFMB, I applaud your efforts. You absolutely, unequivocally did the right thing. How did your friend die? Sorry if you answered this. Anyways, both the husband and the bf are horrible people. I hate to speak ill of the dead, too, but.... Link to post Share on other sites
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