Do I tell or let it be?

[shet]

IMO Keeping a diary at all is an implicit statement that you want it read after your death. Especially if there's no understanding that it be destroyed. I've known people who keep them, it's not to go back and read yourself, they never do that. If you didn't want that, you wouldn't keep a goddamn diary. She didn't keep it in a vault, you didn't steal it or tear the house apart to find it.

 

You have read it. She will have been entirely aware of what would be found. Having her secrets aired was the logical conclusion the moment she started a diary. If she really didn't want that she could stop writing it.

 

This is altogether too philosophical a question for this forum. If it was me I'd tell everyone affected by the contents, end of story.

[bubbaganoosh]

How well do you get on with her parents?

See, if this is a problem to you - it's not actually yours to sort.

 

From my own perspective, I would give the diary back to her parents and tell them there's stuff in there you feel very uncomfortable about, but that it's not your place or duty to deal with.

 

Give them the combination and advise them it won't make for pleasant reading - but that what they then choose to do with that information, is down to them.

However, assure them that you will take the contents to the grave with you, whatever they decide to do.

 

It's not your problem. But if something DOES need saying, her parents would be the best ones to do so.

 

If at all.

 

Just my 2cents.

 

Or.

Maybe you should get together with the boyfriend of the sister and the husband of the other and let them know that you know what they have been doing. Let them shoulder the burden for their actions. They, IMO are probably glad that their secret went to the grave with her. Let them know that they should come clean and face their consequences. Yeah it will hurt but they were part of this too. Yeah your friends family will not be happy what she did but she should have known better than to sleep with her sisters husband and her other sisters boyfriend. She sure as hell didn't care about them and if she's remembered as a unsavory sister then she has no one to blame but herself. She's gone but the other two sisters are still here and they don't deserve to have a unfaithful husband or boyfriend and be played any longer.

 

It's not fair that the sisters are being played and if the one who isn't married decides to marry this guy and he's doing her wrong then she's headed for disaster.

 

Either way, I don't envy you but your friend wasn't a real nice person.

[Silly_Girl]

IMO Keeping a diary at all is an implicit statement that you want it read after your death. Especially if there's no understanding that it be destroyed. I've known people who keep them, it's not to go back and read yourself, they never do that. If you didn't want that, you wouldn't keep a goddamn diary. She didn't keep it in a vault, you didn't steal it or tear the house apart to find it.

 

 

As someone with several years of diaries hidden currently in my bedroom, I can tell you you are wrong on both counts here.

[janedoe67]

I have no advice, but I am sorry for your loss. Regardless of how imperfect she was, she was YOUR dear friend, and I am sure you are grieving.

[GemmaUK]

I think you should burn it.

 

Cinema tickets are not proof of anything other than having gone to see a film.

 

You can't be 100% sure that what she has written in the diary is actually true.

 

What she has written could all be just fantasy and bear no relation to truth.

[CFMB]

Unless your deceased friend requested that you read her diary then opening it was not something you were entitled to do

 

I probably should clarify this. I was told by my friend when on her death bed that she wanted me to have all her personal belongings and specifically mentioned her diaries among other things. I never intended to take anything but unbeknown to me had also said the same to her parents. One day they called me over and asked me to help go through her stuff. That's how I ended up with them.

 

Now I do know she wanted me to read them because she did say I will be shocked and I certainly was. What I don't know is whether she wanted me to have them to keep the secret or because she knew I would feel bound to tell.

[CFMB]

Or.

Maybe you should get together with the boyfriend of the sister and the husband of the other and let them know that you know what they have been doing. Let them shoulder the burden for their actions. They, IMO are probably glad that their secret went to the grave with her. Let them know that they should come clean and face their consequences.

 

That is certainly the option I am leaning toward. I just feel I wont be able to carry this without it consuming me. If I knew my friend wanted me to keep the secret I would still feel pain about it but would be comforted knowing I was following her wishes. Right now I don't know whether she wants the secret kept or wants to finally come clean and spare her sisters a life with men who are not worthy.

[CFMB]

I think you should burn it.

 

Cinema tickets are not proof of anything other than having gone to see a film.

 

You can't be 100% sure that what she has written in the diary is actually true.

 

What she has written could all be just fantasy and bear no relation to truth.

 

Of course this could be true, but there was valentines and birthday cards for example. I would be amazed if this fantasy included writing cards to herself in her brother-in-law's name. But then again, I obviously didn't know her as well as I thought because I had no idea this was happening. Regardless of whether it was a fantasy or real I still had no idea.

[BetrayedH]

It's not so much a matter of developing different options as doing what's right in a situation where no option is obviously correct, where he probably shouldn't even have the information, and where many lives will likely be impacted negatively by exercising any option.

 

Personally, I'd be biased toward keeping my mouth shut unless there was a specific and compelling reason to not to, and I don't consider the notion that the betrayed sisters have some sacrosanct right to know compelling. It's totally egoistic to assume that one should ruin relationships, memories of departed loved ones, or potentially break up families just because he happened upon some information (and not legitimately). Wise counsel is type that has the ability to see things from multiple macro perspectives, humbly setting aside one's own belief for the greater good.

 

Inaction could be just as damaging to multiple parties. You may be biased towards keeping your mouth shut. I happen to be biased towards sharing the truth with people being betrayed. Neither of us appear to be setting aside our personal beliefs but instead, we're sharing them. I don't think those sharing a differing opinion than yours are any more egotistical than you.

[shet]

As someone with several years of diaries hidden currently in my bedroom, I can tell you you are wrong on both counts here.

 

Then should you pop your clogs tomorrow someone's finding them and going through the exact same problem. Don't say you haven't considered this possibility and decided to keep them anyway. If you don't want them found, or rather if you believe you don't, what little mental excuses have you found to enable that belief? That you'll be able to burn them from beyond the grave? That a friend has a key and instructions to burn them? That you've rigged explosives linked to a remote heartrate monitor to obliterate the house in the event of your death? Are you 18 and don't think it can happen to you? What is your policy regarding them being discovered?

 

Anyway, what do you say now to the new information posted above, that this guy was LEFT them specifically AND told to read them?

[Silly_Girl]

Then should you pop your clogs tomorrow someone's finding them and going through the exact same problem. Don't say you haven't considered this possibility and decided to keep them anyway. If you don't want them found, or rather if you believe you don't, what little mental excuses have you found to enable that belief? That you'll be able to burn them from beyond the grave? That a friend has a key and instructions to burn them? That you've rigged explosives linked to a remote heartrate monitor to obliterate the house in the event of your death? Are you 18 and don't think it can happen to you? What is your policy regarding them being discovered?

 

Anyway, what do you say now to the new information posted above, that this guy was LEFT them specifically AND told to read them?

 

I've decided, at the age I am, having them to look back at now outweighs the risk of my dropping dead and someone choosing to read them. And I don't have 'nasties' in there anyway!

 

I suspect the diary owner probably felt the same as me and not knowing her I do wonder whether her request to have them read was a genuine one. Was she on her deathbed and truly contemplating the outcome? The OP originally didn't intimate at all that these being read were some sort of dying wish, more that he 'ended up with them' and 'guessed the code for access'.

[notserene]

I've decided, at the age I am, having them to look back at now outweighs the risk of my dropping dead and someone choosing to read them. And I don't have 'nasties' in there anyway!

 

I suspect the diary owner probably felt the same as me and not knowing her I do wonder whether her request to have them read was a genuine one. Was she on her deathbed and truly contemplating the outcome? The OP originally didn't intimate at all that these being read were some sort of dying wish, more that he 'ended up with them' and 'guessed the code for access'.

 

I think you have to assume that *someone* is going to read your diary at some point if you die and they go through your things. That doesn't mean that reading the diary is an admirable thing to do, but people do lots of things that aren't admirable.

[bubbaganoosh]

For the life of me, I can't understand why anyone in their right mind would keep a diary or any kind of evidence of wrong doing and in this case, the friend screwing her brother in law and her other sisters boyfriend.

 

If you don't want anyone to know, the last thing you do is write it down in a book that can be pried open with a screw driver if you don't have a key or combination. All that is to me is an invitation to getting caught.

 

IMO, the sisters need to know what these guys did.

[TaraMaiden]

CFMB are you personally any clearer on what you feel you need to do, if anything?

 

What conclusion have you come to?

[salparadise]

Inaction could be just as damaging to multiple parties. You may be biased towards keeping your mouth shut. I happen to be biased towards sharing the truth with people being betrayed. Neither of us appear to be setting aside our personal beliefs but instead, we're sharing them. I don't think those sharing a differing opinion than yours are any more egotistical than you.

 

I don't automatically think that either; just saying that whatever the decision, it should not be about the person holding the information or just because he happens to have the information. Revealing the information would destroy the sister's memory of their sister and probably destroy their marriages at the same time. If they have children (which I don't believe has been mentioned) it could destroy that relationship as well and cause the kids to grow up without their father. Given your username (BetrayedH), I can see how you might have a different perspective.

 

On the other hand, if the husbands are predisposed to cheating it's likely that they will get caught all by themselves, or for the marriages to otherwise self-destruct, which to me would be preferable if I was in the OP's shoes. I don't think it's a given that the sister would be appreciative of being informed, and regardless of whether they are or not, it's also not a given that it would make their lives better. I would bet that there is information about someone I love that I am better off not knowing.

 

I'm simply saying that for me personally, I would default toward non-interference in the natural course of events that have the potential to drastically alter people's lives.

Edited April 20, 2014 by salparadise

[janedoe67]

How are you dealing with your dear friend's passing. How is the family?

[CFMB]

How are you dealing with your dear friend's passing. How is the family?

 

Thank you for asking. It has been hard, she was one of only a very few people that understood me. It's a day by day thing.

 

Her family are as one would expect, they have been wonderful allowing me to grieve with them as if I was one of their own.

[CFMB]

CFMB are you personally any clearer on what you feel you need to do, if anything?

 

What conclusion have you come to?

 

I believe I will confront the husband and boyfriend. I have no doubt they will kill the messenger but I cannot sit next to them at the dinner table knowing who they really are.

 

I am not sure whether I was given the diaries to destroy them or to act on the information in them but I have to believe that they were given to me knowing that I would make a decision that I believed was right.

 

Throughout our time together she always condemned cheaters so that alone would suggest she wants the information out... but then of course she was rather hypocritically one of those cheaters as well. It makes for a very hard decision.

 

Unless I can be convinced otherwise I will do what I suggested above and cross my fingers that I don't lose the rest of her family as well as my dear friend.

[BHsigh]

I believe I will confront the husband and boyfriend. I have no doubt they will kill the messenger but I cannot sit next to them at the dinner table knowing who they really are.

 

I am not sure whether I was given the diaries to destroy them or to act on the information in them but I have to believe that they were given to me knowing that I would make a decision that I believed was right.

 

Throughout our time together she always condemned cheaters so that alone would suggest she wants the information out... but then of course she was rather hypocritically one of those cheaters as well. It makes for a very hard decision.

 

Unless I can be convinced otherwise I will do what I suggested above and cross my fingers that I don't lose the rest of her family as well as my dear friend.

 

After seeing that she left the diary specifically for you, and expected you to read it, I would have to say that Taramaiden gave the best advice, along with what you said here.

 

Either confront the husband and boyfriend, or give the diary to her parents to read.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this, what a horrible situation. Your friend obviously thought that you would choose wisely.

[Silly_Girl]

Throughout our time together she always condemned cheaters so that alone would suggest she wants the information out...

 

Could you expand on your reasoning here?

[CFMB]

Could you expand on your reasoning here?

 

The way she had portrayed herself to everyone was as a person that detested cheaters and cheating. She always said they should be outed and held to account.

 

Of course all that just seems like cheap talk now because while she was preaching one thing she was doing another.

 

This is part of my struggle, were her words true and she really hated herself for what she was doing? (in which case I let it all out)

 

Or were her words nothing more than a smoke screen and she doesn't want to be exposed as a hypocrite? (in which case I burn it and take it to my grave)

 

Even the second option is not perfect because then I stand by and watch while her sister, my good friend, lives with a man who is far from worthy.

 

I have tried to make arguments to convince myself either way without success. Unless I get some really convincing reason not to I will be confronting the boyfriend/husband, I just need to work up the courage.

[BHsigh]

The way she had portrayed herself to everyone was as a person that detested cheaters and cheating. She always said they should be outed and held to account.

 

Of course all that just seems like cheap talk now because while she was preaching one thing she was doing another.

 

This is part of my struggle, were her words true and she really hated herself for what she was doing? (in which case I let it all out)

 

Or were her words nothing more than a smoke screen and she doesn't want to be exposed as a hypocrite? (in which case I burn it and take it to my grave)

 

Even the second option is not perfect because then I stand by and watch while her sister, my good friend, lives with a man who is far from worthy.

 

I have tried to make arguments to convince myself either way without success. Unless I get some really convincing reason not to I will be confronting the boyfriend/husband, I just need to work up the courage.

 

I don't envy your position, this is tough. I personally would lean more towards exposing, I wouldn't be able to watch a good friend go through this, knowing that I have information available that may stop it.

[bubbaganoosh]

I have tried to make arguments to convince myself either way without success. Unless I get some really convincing reason not to I will be confronting the boyfriend/husband, I just need to work up the courage.

 

I have to tell you that your friend has really put you between a rock and a hard place and it really isn't fair to you.

 

Maybe what you should do is make a copy of the pages that involve the husband of her sister and the BF of the other sister and give a copy to each one in a envelopes and tell them to read it because it's real important that they do.

 

Another thing. There's a real possibility that the husband doesn't know that your friend was also screwing the other sisters boy friend and vice versa. Imagine the shock when they find out that they weren't the the exclusive with her.

 

You can bet the house that they will be running around like their collective ass' were on fire. Then you can advise them that "confession is good for the soul". They were every bit responsible as much as your friend for this mess and they shouldn't walk around offering comfort to the wife or girlfriend while laughing and knifing them in the back at the same time.

[Hobbes' wagon]

I hope you make sure the sisters get the truth. I know you are in doubt, but in doubt, I would rather take the action that potentially prevents innocent people from getting irreversibly hurt.

 

As someone who has had to get tested for STDs because my ex SO cheated on me, I would be so horrified if someone knew I was being cheated on (or had been cheated on in the past by the person I will still with -> indicating he/she might very well do it again) and could have saved me from getting the STD by telling me the truth. And as someone who almost got involved who's ex later turned out to have HIV and was sleeping around unprotected without telling people, I strongly urge you to tell the truth.

 

So I hope you make sure they know. Saving something so intangible as the "reputation" of someone who's own action would tarnish their reputation if they were uncovered, at the risk of something so real as something getting an STD (either herpes, hepatis or heavens forbid HIV), seems wrong to me.

 

If she wanted to make sure no-one ever knew, she would have told you to destroy the diary, not that "you will be shocked". So you wouldn't be going against her will. I think unfortunately you are left with two sad options. I think it will be easier for you to live knowing you did the right thing and potentially saving at least two people's lives&health&their future/years (by giving them the option to make an informed decision now as to whether they want to stay or not, rather than them finding out years from now, when they have (more) kids, are older,...), than to live in worry/fear that someday they will catch an STD, find out themselves when it will be much harder to leave etc., will have lost more years of their lives.

 

I think all innocent people gain more than they lose by you telling or making sure they are told. And I believe the parent's would preferred knowing that their girl had made mistakes, but on hear death-bad tried to repair (by giving you basically permission to read) them in her own way, and would preferr to know that their two other girls, who are still alive, are protected from being hurt even more by two cheating partners. I think most parents would prefer that, to have the two still alive daughters safe than their memory of their untarnished yet their two daughters hurt.

 

And lastly - the truth usually comes out eventually. Not telling the truth won't save those two poor sisters. And not telling the truth will eventually eat you alive inside.

 

I know it's hard and unfair and horrible that you've been in this position. But I believe she chose your, her dear friend, to help her mend her bad choices after she would be again, in the best way she could. It would ultimately serve her memory well that she, in the end, tried to do her best to make sure her sisters & parents were protected from further her, even at the expense of her "reputation".

 

With best of wishes,

Calvin&Hobbes

[RedRobin]

I happen to believe knowledge is power... And that people need to know the truth.

 

They are currently being hurt through their own ignorance.

 

My suggestion... Make photocopies of the evidence and send it anonymously to the wife and girlfriend... The two sisters. Tell them that the original is with her parents. Then send the original there.

 

Then walk away. They can decide what to do with it. The bf and husband can go to hell.