What did I do??

[KaliLove]

What's wrong with that?

 

I can't see into the future, obviously. I don't know if I'll develop feelings for him beyond this intense sexual attraction. Maybe, maybe not.

 

Why can't we just take things day by day? Why can't people just have fun and enjoy each other without getting serious or dramatic?

 

I don't understand.

 

So the fact that you would be participating in hurting his innocent wife and child doesn't matter at all to you? Other people's feelings don't matter at all, you only care about yourself and your vagina?

 

Selfish selfish selfish.

[Apothecary]

So the fact that you would be participating in hurting his innocent wife and child doesn't matter at all to you? Other people's feelings don't matter at all, you only care about yourself and your vagina?

 

Selfish selfish selfish.

 

I'm not the one who made vows to someone. If not with me I'm sure he's doing it with others!

 

Why should I feel guilty?

[notserene]

I'm not the one who made vows to someone. If not with me I'm sure he's doing it with others!

 

Why should I feel guilty?

 

Have you ever heard of being an accessory to a crime?

[Speakingofwhich]

What's wrong with that?

 

I can't see into the future, obviously. I don't know if I'll develop feelings for him beyond this intense sexual attraction. Maybe, maybe not.

 

Why can't we just take things day by day? Why can't people just have fun and enjoy each other without getting serious or dramatic?

 

I don't understand.

 

From a totally selfish perspective, considering only your own future, just one of the things that's "wrong" with that is that most probably you'll want more and he won't give it. And your wanting will be so powerful that it will make you miserable.

 

Maybe you need to learn these things the hard way, though. If so, jump right in!

 

Btw, what do you hope to gain by posting here?

[whichwayisup]

I'm not the one who made vows to someone. If not with me I'm sure he's doing it with others!

 

Why should I feel guilty?

 

You seem okay and proud of what you're doing, so why not tell your close friends and family that you're about to have an affair with a MM with a child.

[Apothecary]

From a totally selfish perspective, considering only your own future, just one of the things that's "wrong" with that is that most probably you'll want more and he won't give it. And your wanting will be so powerful that it will make you miserable.

 

Maybe you need to learn these things the hard way, though. If so, jump right in!

 

Btw, what do you hope to gain by posting here?

 

Absolutely nothing. I haven't told my best friend yet because I feel she'd be disappointed me in after all that she went through. I've never chased after married men or any man with commitments. This truly "just happened." He was hitting on me the first night we met but our mutual friend was watching me like a watchdog so nothing really happened.

[Apothecary]

You seem okay and proud of what you're doing, so why not tell your close friends and family that you're about to have an affair with a MM with a child.

 

Proud? That's a bit much.

 

It's not ok, infidelity is never ok, but it happens.

 

I'm not absolving myself of responsibility, I know what I did and what I will probably do in the future is wrong. I just feel the married party is more at fault since they made the vows to someone.

 

Am I an accessory? Sure. Not denying that.

[KaliLove]

I'm not the one who made vows to someone. If not with me I'm sure he's doing it with others!

 

Why should I feel guilty?

 

This is the exact same answer all the OWs here give. I'm calling bs on this thread.

 

If I'm wrong, though I don't think I am, then by all means go ahead..you deserve what's coming to you.

[Speakingofwhich]

Absolutely nothing. I haven't told my best friend yet because I feel she'd be disappointed me in after all that she went through. I've never chased after married men or any man with commitments. This truly "just happened." He was hitting on me the first night we met but our mutual friend was watching me like a watchdog so nothing really happened.

 

Glad you responded to that post! Apothecary, you are posting here and yet you think you have nothing to gain from it. Is it possible that somewhere deep inside of you, a tiny part of you does think there's something to gain by posting here?

 

Is it possible that there is something in you that is trying to protect you from yourself in this situation by garnering some information that might change your decision to proceed with this man?

 

Or, is it just that you want to write about your experience for others to read?

[MissBee]

I am definitely not wanting a serious relationship or for him to leave his wife for me. Honestly I barely know him! I can't explain what happened in the car, I can't even blame alcohol because I wasn't drunk at all and neither was he. I guess I really liked his kisses, lol. I never enjoyed kissing much before but he left me out of breath.

 

I guess I'm in lust. I am so down to have a casual, fun fling with him. I shouldn't because he's married but I doubt this is the first time he's done this (he said he's very picky, etc but I didn't believe him lol).

 

He texted me the next day so I'm hoping to see him again soon. I am totally nuts right? This will probably blow up in m face.

 

Girl, if you think this man is a serial cheater who isn't even picky, be careful, his man parts may be ermmm...dirty .

 

Seriously.

 

In any event, it seems you're gonna do what you've been doing and I can only say: if you insist on sleeping with him, wrap it up, also only see him for sex and don't bother to get emotionally involved (although easier said than done as many OW affair stories start off as "It was only fun/sex") and if he works at your job...think twice about how that might turn out as well. The very fact that you're worried about being a crazy whore is also your own sense alerting you to the ways in which this may not be the best thing for you.

Edited April 13, 2014 by MissBee

[RickFox]

I'm not the one who made vows to someone. If not with me I'me he's doing it with others!

 

Why should I feel guilty?

 

Not the first time someone has said but, but still an unbelievably stupid justification. On the off chance his wife finds out and comes gunning for you, go ahead and use that logic with her. Gotta love the it's not my fault it's everyone else's fault mentality.

[Apothecary]

This is the exact same answer all the OWs here give. I'm calling bs on this thread.

 

If I'm wrong, though I don't think I am, then by all means go ahead..you deserve what's coming to you.

 

I'm definitely not making this up. I've left out a few things for brevity's sake, but everything is true.

[Apothecary]

Glad you responded to that post! Apothecary, you are posting here and yet you think you have nothing to gain from it. Is it possible that somewhere deep inside of you, a tiny part of you does think there's something to gain by posting here?

 

Is it possible that there is something in you that is trying to protect you from yourself in this situation by garnering some information that might change your decision to proceed with this man?

 

Or, is it just that you want to write about your experience for others to read?

 

I just don't see what I would gain? I guess I could read previous threads and other people's experiences, but what I have is so new that I can't even relate to a lot of it. I can't even imagine at this point being in love with this man and wanting more, etc etc.

[MissBee]

What's wrong with that?

 

I can't see into the future, obviously. I don't know if I'll develop feelings for him beyond this intense sexual attraction. Maybe, maybe not.

 

Why can't we just take things day by day? Why can't people just have fun and enjoy each other without getting serious or dramatic?

 

I don't understand.

 

 

Rule # 1 of not being serious or dramatic is: if you need to double check with strangers on the internet about this choice and rationalize it...it's already hinting that it's inherently problematic for you. So that's number one. I am imagining that the type of people who are probably more adept at having these kinds of flings aren't perturbed or bothered one bit to seek advice out for it. If you have to tell us about how it's so unlike you and are you a crazy whore and is it a bad idea and why can't people have fun....it probably means you are not one of those people and thus it may not work out well for you.

 

I'm sorry: but KNOWINGLY getting into a high risk situation: married man whom you believe is a player, all for the sake of lust, then saying you're sooo confused and why can't you take it day by day is silly. I get that you want to do what you want...and by all means, no one can stop you...it will either work for you or go terribly awry and from that you'd have learned something. But to say you don't get why a married man and a single woman can't/shouldn't "have fun and take it day by day without getting dramatic" doesn't make sense...everybody knows why...this situation is high risk and the higher risk the higher likelihood it will attract drama that you cannot foresee into your life. When you sleep with a married man, esp a coworker, you can only control some things, but there is no way to guarantee you all won't be caught, no way to control his wife's reaction if and when she finds out, no way to predict if you'll fall for him and so on....so take all those things no human can control, that's why it's a higher likelihood that it can lead to more drama than simple uncomplicated fun. Heck...you don't even seem experienced with men or like a woman who is used to flings, you've been with one man, so that adds to the chance that this may become even more intense for you than it might for some. FWB situations notoriously end badly for many people, esp women, so add "FWB in an Affair" and there you have it.

[Apothecary]

Girl, if you think this man is a serial cheater who isn't even picky, be careful, his man parts may be ermmm...dirty .

 

Seriously.

 

In any event, it seems you're gonna do what you've been doing and I can only say: if you insist on sleeping with him, wrap it up, also only see him for sex and don't bother to get emotionally involved (although easier said than done as many OW affair stories start off as "It was only fun/sex") and if he works at your job...think twice about how that might turn out as well. The very fact that you're worried about being a crazy whore is also your own sense alerting you to the ways in which this may not be the best thing for you.

 

Thank you.

 

I guess I shouldn't care if a MARRIED man thinks I'm a whore. It's just that I've never done something like that before and it surprised me. I always used to judge those people who had sex the first date, etc and then look what happened. Had he had a room somewhere I think I definitely would have slept with him.

[TAV]

Congrats, OP, you had your sexual awakening. You now know how amazing sexual chemistry with the right man can be. Only, this is not the right man.

 

If somehow you believe this is the only guy that will ever make you feel this way, you are wrong.

 

Go and find an unattached guy who could kiss you like that (and even more) as often and anywhere you want. This guy will only call on you when he's bored and needs an ego boost, he will not take your feelings, needs, moods, time schedule etc. into account. The original thrill will soon turn into frustration and possibly grief.

 

No, you are not a whore but you ask that because you were raised to know better and you know that if you look back at this in later years you will wonder what was wrong with you.

 

Make sure you can keep looking in the mirror and smile at what you see.

[MissBee]

Curious Apothecary,

 

Have you recently had/currently have stressful stuff going on in your life? I ask because sometimes if we behave out of character and go to extremes from say: thinking sex on the first date is bad to hooking up with a MM and being convinced the attraction is too much so we should throw caution to the wind, it can be a way of acting out other frustrations/anxieties/hurts we're experiencing in ways that make us feel good and alive in the short term but don't address the real problem in the long term.

[somedude81]

I am totally nuts right? This will probably blow up in m face.

Definitely.

 

Find a guy who isn't married.

 

Everything you feel for this guy you can feel for another guy and get to have him all to yourself.

 

Why would you even want to share?

[Apothecary]

 

Rule # 1 of not being serious or dramatic is: if you need to double check with strangers on the internet about this choice and rationalize it...it's already hinting that it's inherently problematic for you. So that's number one. I am imagining that the type of people who are probably more adept at having these kinds of flings aren't perturbed or bothered one bit to seek advice out for it. If you have to tell us about how it's so unlike you and are you a crazy whore and is it a bad idea and why can't people have fun....it probably means you are not one of those people and thus it may not work out well for you.

 

I'm sorry: but KNOWINGLY getting into a high risk situation: married man whom you believe is a player, all for the sake of lust, then saying you're sooo confused and why can't you take it day by day is silly. I get that you want to do what you want...and by all means, no one can stop you...it will either work for you or go terribly awry and from that you'd have learned something. But to say you don't get why a married man and a single woman can't/shouldn't "have fun and take it day by day without getting dramatic" doesn't make sense...everybody knows why...this situation is high risk and the higher risk the higher likelihood it will attract drama that you cannot foresee into your life. When you sleep with a married man, esp a coworker, you can only control some things, but there is no way to guarantee you all won't be caught, no way to control his wife's reaction if and when she finds out, no way to predict if you'll fall for him and so on....so take all those things no human can control, that's why it's a higher likelihood that it can lead to more drama than simple uncomplicated fun. Heck...you don't even seem experienced with men or like a woman who is used to flings, you've been with one man, so that adds to the chance that this may become even more intense for you than it might for some. FWB situations notoriously end badly for many people, esp women, so add "FWB in an Affair" and there you have it.

 

Ok, this makes a lot of sense.

 

For the record, he is not my coworker. We met through a mutual friend. We do not work together at all.

[Apothecary]

Curious Apothecary,

 

Have you recently had/currently have stressful stuff going on in your life? I ask because sometimes if we behave out of character and go to extremes from say: thinking sex on the first date is bad to hooking up with a MM and being convinced the attraction is too much so we should throw caution to the wind, it can be a way of acting out other frustrations/anxieties/hurts we're experiencing in ways that make us feel good and alive in the short term but don't address the real problem in the long term.

 

I'm currently very stressed at work but I don't know if that's it.

 

I have been talking to a man (the mutual friend) for about 5 months now. He is practically in love with me. Last week when we all went out (it was me, 3 of my gfs, my friend and his 3 friends) he specifically told all the other guys that I was off limits and to stay away from me (even though there's NOTHING going on between us except friendship). So if he found out I had gone out with this guy and fooled around with him the first night, he would be devastated. I think he's a wonderful person, very sweet and kind and generous, but I am not sexually attracted to him. I thought maybe I was for a little while and I guess that gave him hope, but now I am definitely not.

[JourneyLady]

You're also about to make yourself less fit for a real relationship down the road. When you have a lust relationship with someone and later settle in (not settle *for* but settle down) to a marriage with your best friend, you will find yourself restless for the chemistry. You will find you dream about this man and it tortures you endlessly and leads you down the road to ruining your marriage.

 

I know because my first husband I had that kind of chemistry with, even though my second hubs was much better and my best friend. I still craved my first love - even though it was mostly lust.

 

You could find yourself in public embarrassment. More people are "outing" affairs these days - you could find yourself named in a divorce as a contributing party. You could even find yourself threatened at gunpoint by the betrayed spouse. You'll worry about getting caught. You may lose friends. And you are destroying your own character.

 

Don't you read news stories about how some person went haywire because of an affair and killed someone? Is your life worth that little?

 

And I can honestly tell you that though you crave it now, down the road several years and you will barely remember what it was like. And those cravings will probably have disappeared. Is it worth it?

[Apothecary]

You're also about to make yourself less fit for a real relationship down the road. When you have a lust relationship with someone and later settle in (not settle *for* but settle down) to a marriage with your best friend, you will find yourself restless for the chemistry. You will find you dream about this man and it tortures you endlessly and leads you down the road to ruining your marriage.

 

I know because my first husband I had that kind of chemistry with, even though my second hubs was much better and my best friend. I still craved my first love - even though it was mostly lust.

 

You could find yourself in public embarrassment. More people are "outing" affairs these days - you could find yourself named in a divorce as a contributing party. You could even find yourself threatened at gunpoint by the betrayed spouse. You'll worry about getting caught. You may lose friends. And you are destroying your own character.

 

Don't you read news stories about how some person went haywire because of an affair and killed someone? Is your life worth that little?

 

And I can honestly tell you that though you crave it now, down the road several years and you will barely remember what it was like. And those cravings will probably have disappeared. Is it worth it?

 

Well, I'm not afraid of being killed. That's a bit extreme and morbid.

 

Yes, I want PASSION. I am enjoying this feeling and it's exactly what I want at this moment. Is it worth it? For now, yes.

[purplesorrow]

Well, I'm not afraid of being killed. That's a bit extreme and morbid.

 

Yes, I want PASSION. I am enjoying this feeling and it's exactly what I want at this moment. Is it worth it? For now, yes.

 

This is very sad. You are willing to help destroy a family because you are enjoying a feeling. There are so many single guys out there.

[whichwayisup]

Proud? That's a bit much.

 

It's not ok, infidelity is never ok, but it happens.

 

I'm not absolving myself of responsibility, I know what I did and what I will probably do in the future is wrong. I just feel the married party is more at fault since they made the vows to someone.

 

Am I an accessory? Sure. Not denying that.

 

Okay proud was the wrong word. You just seem to be totally pleased making this decision and completely having no respect or regard for his wife and child.

 

Imagine some young chick coming onto your father, knowing full well he was married and had a family. Imagine seeing your mom crying and devastated. I'm just trying to make you open your eyes and think this through.

 

Yes the married person is obligated and the one betraying but the affair partner is NOT an innocent bystander. You are knowingly involving yourself with someone who is betraying their spouse in the worst possible way. And it seems like you couldn't care less because you're thinking with your body parts and not with your head.

 

Sorry I am not one on here like a few others who are going to encourage you to have an affair. You're putting yourself in a situation where innocent people are going to be hurt and betrayed by you helping him cheat on his wife and betray his family unit.

 

If you choose this, totally own ALL your part in it and when the time comes his wife confronts you (there's always a chance of getting caught) take responsibility for it and don't put all the blame on him.

[whichwayisup]

I just don't see what I would gain? I guess I could read previous threads and other people's experiences, but what I have is so new that I can't even relate to a lot of it. I can't even imagine at this point being in love with this man and wanting more, etc etc.

 

My guess is, by the end of the summer you'll posting here, crying your eyes out because this so called fun/sex filled 'friendship' made you fall for him and you won't be able to 'have' him when you want him. You'll feel hurt and jealous when he doesn't call you back, decides to ignore you or not see you because he's with his family.

 

And, like many, you'll go ahead on this pathway but later say 'if only I had listened to you all....'