The foggy WS

[BHsigh]

No, I'm not narcissistic. I'm very conflict avoidant. I'm not blaming my mother for my affair, but you have no idea what I've gone through. The hell she put me through as a child did cause me to have a lot of issues. I was having a really bad day when I posted things on this thread. I don't want attention. If you met me IRL, you would be shocked. I'm very shy and soft spoken.

 

I agree, there are a lot of people who have had a horrible childhood and don't behave like this. My sibling is one of them. I didn't deal with the abuse in a healthy manner. I don't deal with confrontation and conflict well. I'm very conflict avoidant. I have got an appointment to see an IC so I can work on my issues.

 

Just because I don't want to tell my H doesn't mean I don't want help. There's no golden rule on how to live. People make comments that I only want to protect, but that's not true! I haven't posted on this thread lately because as it sits now I don't plan on telling my H. I don't want to argue back and forth with others or try to defend my current stance.

 

Hi again violet, what help are you looking for exactly?

 

I know that you're tired of the back and forth about confessing, but to many of us, that is the single best way to stick to NC and to bring honesty back to your marriage. I wish that I had different advice for you, but I don't, so I for one will quit posting "confess, confess".

 

I just ask that you consider what your husband would want you to do based on your prior dday. Would he want a confession, or would he want you to keep it in and move on?

[violet1]

There's a pattern to female adulterers they marry men who love them more than they love their husbands. Finance is the fetters that bind them to a loveless marriage, where the only escape is an affair with a younger virile male.

 

Life for them is meaningless; they are trapped in a big house with a cold hand to hold and a old face to behold. Could life get any worse! Marriage is a trap but adultery sets them free is their creed.

 

X ww came to me in need of shelter and alimentation, after she had rested up and eaten to her fill did she set out in my car towards the nightly festivities much like she done prior to meeting me. No she wouldn't let me accompany her, since I was obtuse and couldn't dance any way I as a total bore. What xww didn't do was to check the desk top for self help websites like LS community where I went to get help and healing which enabled me to divorce xww.

 

Violet what if H is soliciting help for his love addiction. How much more fun will you have until he divorces you. What will you do and where will you go.

This doesn't apply to me. I didn't marry my H for money. I'm the breadwinner. I can afford my own place. I had my own car long before I met him. My H knows about this forum but chooses not to look at it. If he did and read some threads, he would know this is me. I haven't told my H about my break of NC, but I'm not lying to cover another lie. If he read this thread or asked me if I have broke NC, I would tell him yes.

[Spectre]

Sorry, your husband deserves 100% honesty. If you can't give it to him then LEAVE.

[BetrayedH]

Some people may and do Reconcile ...I believe of all the BS who chose this route

only 15-25 percent live in a happy marriage after...WHY?

 

Believe me..I Received all the Brutal Honesty a BH could handle.

 

My dealbreaker was after i outed him to his BW...He came to my office and showed me pics of my wife doing things, she for 20 years said was DISGUSTING and made her sick...YET there she was doing this and much worse...

 

I stayed doing the 180 and continued to search for the TRUTH...I found out more than one should have to bear...the Second i felt she confessed everything , i knew it was over and filed for d. I knew i could NEVER FORGIVE MUCH LESS FORGET...

 

My wife trickle-truthed as well. We went through a lot (many mistakes made on my end as well) but I'd say that is what truly did us in. I felt that I could reconcile and forgive an affair but I couldn't reconcile with someone that was actively lying to my face. A confession would have gone a long way. Statistically, it doubles the chances of reconciling.

 

That said, I also found out more 'truth' than any man should have to bear. I don't blame any man that's unable to forgive. I also agree that not very many really make it. From what I've seen, 80-90% make an initial attempt to reconcile but 65% eventually divorce.

[BetrayedH]

... but I'm not lying to cover another lie. If he read this thread or asked me if I have broke NC, I would tell him yes.

 

This seems a bit odd to me. If you have intellectually decided that it's best that he doesn't know, then why would you tell him if he asked?

 

Why does he have to ask the right question in order to get the truth?

 

Why is a lie of omission ok but a lie of commission not ok?

 

It seems to me that both scenarios allow you to avoid conflict. If he never asks, you avoid a conflict. If he does ask, you try to explain away the conflict. This tells me that a lot of your decisions are motivated by fear. It's funny how all of my therapists (I had three of them) eventually got around to discussing my fears and how they motivated me. Of course, then they tend to want you to confront them rather than running away from them.

[janedoe67]

This doesn't apply to me. I didn't marry my H for money. I'm the breadwinner. I can afford my own place. I had my own car long before I met him. My H knows about this forum but chooses not to look at it. If he did and read some threads, he would know this is me. I haven't told my H about my break of NC, but I'm not lying to cover another lie. If he read this thread or asked me if I have broke NC, I would tell him yes.

 

There's a pattern to female adulterers they marry men who love them more than they love their husbands. Finance is the fetters that bind them to a loveless marriage, where the only escape is an affair with a younger virile male.

 

Doesn't apply to me either. I always loved him more than he loved me.

 

But you know what? it is irrelevant. Heck, I had a nice childhood and good parents. Also irrelevant.

 

Yes, our prior experiences do shape us in ways. BUT when we become adults, we are no longer powerless. We can choose. The reason your sibling has not made these choices is not because they were endeared with some magic you do not have. Your sibling has chosen not to do those things.

 

Look, I understand EXACTLY why you do not want to confess this, maybe even better than you do at this point. But until the truth comes out with the people you hurt (i.e. your husband), there is no hope for a real recovery of your marriage or yourself. You will know. And he will know....something. He will never feel comfortable or safe. He may never feel that again anyway, but at least if you are 100% honest there is hope. Yeah, it will get worse before it gets better - because you MADE it worse.

 

You don't owe some big epiphanal truth session to any posters here who have never even met you. I would say that you DO owe it to your husband. Not in a year, not in a week. Tonight, on your couch, with humility and plainspoken truth. Living with the weight will crush you and your marriage.

[Spectre]

Yep, either pee or get off the pot. You respect this man? At all? Okay, I expect to find a post from you in the next 24 hours talking about how you told him the truth. Or rather, you don't owe me anything, you don't need to post about it, you don't need to tell another soul about it but you still need to tell your husband. That end game will never change.

[violet1]

Well...I'm going to tell my H. I'm also going to ask for divorce. I'm not the only one in my M with a secret. I just discovered something that's pretty big! It's not infidelity, but it's a pretty bad thing he's hiding. He and I are both lying to each other. This is not a healthy marriage. There's no way that the damage can be fixed. Thanks again everyone for the advice. I'm going to start saving money and plan for divorce.

[BHsigh]

Well...I'm going to tell my H. I'm also going to ask for divorce. I'm not the only one in my M with a secret. I just discovered something that's pretty big! It's not infidelity, but it's a pretty bad thing he's hiding. He and I are both lying to each other. This is not a healthy marriage. There's no way that the damage can be fixed. Thanks again everyone for the advice. I'm going to start saving money and plan for divorce.

 

I'm sorry to hear that he's been hiding stuff from you too, and you're right, that's not a healthy marriage.

 

I wish you the best of luck violet, and I hope that you come through this as easily as possible.

[BetrayedH]

Well...I'm going to tell my H. I'm also going to ask for divorce. I'm not the only one in my M with a secret. I just discovered something that's pretty big! It's not infidelity, but it's a pretty bad thing he's hiding. He and I are both lying to each other. This is not a healthy marriage. There's no way that the damage can be fixed. Thanks again everyone for the advice. I'm going to start saving money and plan for divorce.

 

Perhaps if you both stop lying and just put your cards on the table, you'll have a newfound respect for one another. It happens. Drama in a marriage can sometimes be a real wake-up call for both spouses. I can't help but wonder what you found. And I certainly agree that there can be other dealbreakers besides infidelity. But I'm also routinely amazed at how spouses can find forgiveness for one another when there's true remorse and a commitment to change for the better. Those are my favorite stories anyway.

 

Good luck however it goes, Violet.

[violet1]

I liked those types of those stories. My H is a recovering drug addict. Except for one relapse about 5 years ago, which he told me immediately about, he's been clean almost 10 years. He relapsed over the weekend when I was working a double. I know for fact he relapsed and he keeps lying about it. I just don't see any hope for us any more. He deserves a faithful wife and I deserve a clean and sober husband. I'm so disappointed he did this again.

[BHsigh]

I liked those types of those stories. My H is a recovering drug addict. Except for one relapse about 5 years ago, which he told me immediately about, he's been clean almost 10 years. He relapsed over the weekend when I was working a double. I know for fact he relapsed and he keeps lying about it. I just don't see any hope for us any more. He deserves a faithful wife and I deserve a clean and sober husband. I'm so disappointed he did this again.

 

I agree with your decision, definitely. Drug addiction can be horrible, and sometimes it takes drastic changes to get a person out of it, but I'm sure you know plenty about it, having lived through it.

 

And I'm sure that you won't anyways, but, do not let him blame your affair on him taking drugs, your affair was your choice, doing drugs was his choice.

 

Take care violet, you are right in confessing and divorcing. I hope that you both pull through 100%.

[violet1]

It was a nightmare when he was actively using before. I can't do it again. When I met him, I fell so hard for him. I was so in love. I didn't even know he had a drug addiction for the first 1 1/2 years. During this time, he cheated on me with multiple women. He blamed it on the drugs. I was young and I bought into it. That's why I chose to forgive him. The more I write, the more I realize that I'm in a huge mess. This sucks! I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at him. I'm mad at the world today.

[harrybrown]

Sorry you are having this happen.

 

Hope tomorrow is better.

 

No need anymore for secrets. I wish my wife would quit lying. It has been devastating. I just wish she would tell me the truth.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[violet1]

I know I have to tell him now. No more waffling on my part. I'm pretty hurt about his lying about his relapse. It's time that there's no more secrets between us. Although I know he's only going to lie and deny. Exactly what I've done to him for so long. Yeah, I know a lot of you are thinking I'm getting a taste of my own medicine.

Edited April 21, 2014 by violet1

[BetrayedH]

I know I have to tell him now. No more waffling on my part. I'm pretty hurt about his lying about his relapse. It's time that there's no more secrets between us. Although I know he's only going to lie and deny. Exactly what I've done to him for so long. Yeah, I know a lot of you are thinking I'm getting a taste of my own medicine.

 

Well for what it's worth, I'm not thinking that. But it can certainly be enlightening to be on the receiving end of lies and to see how nothing really justifies continuing to do it. Ultimately, I think the healing has to start somewhere, with someone. I'll be glad to see it start with you. Maybe you'll start a new trend.

[BHsigh]

I know I have to tell him now. No more waffling on my part. I'm pretty hurt about his lying about his relapse. It's time that there's no more secrets between us. Although I know he's only going to lie and deny. Exactly what I've done to him for so long. Yeah, I know a lot of you are thinking I'm getting a taste of my own medicine.

 

I likes your post before you edited in the last part, I by no means am receiving any pleasure or hint of vindication by seeing you go through this, I hate seeing anyone go through the lie and deny cycle, including you. I don't think that you deserve it at all, no matter if you were doing the same thing or not.

[A.Moscote]

Plan your meeting carefully and try to anticipate how he will reacts. Don't let the anguish and hurt dictates your every word and decision. No matter what happen always be calm and polite.

 

Good luck. This is a big step for you before you embark on anyway you want.

[Darth Vader]

I know I have to tell him now. No more waffling on my part. I'm pretty hurt about his lying about his relapse. It's time that there's no more secrets between us. Although I know he's only going to lie and deny. Exactly what I've done to him for so long. Yeah, I know a lot of you are thinking I'm getting a taste of my own medicine.

 

 

Perhaps it's his way of deadening the pain you caused him, not a wise choice by any means. Think of it, something gut wrenching could tempt a former drug user to seek an escape, just as you did. Also, perhaps he already knows about your relapse in riding your OM? It's scary how people can find out an affair, or an affair relapse. Someone may have seen you two together.

 

As far as getting your own medicine, well, at least you now know what he's been feeling lately. You both should get counseling, and get away from each other!

[atreides]

I know I have to tell him now. No more waffling on my part. I'm pretty hurt about his lying about his relapse. It's time that there's no more secrets between us. Although I know he's only going to lie and deny. Exactly what I've done to him for so long. Yeah, I know a lot of you are thinking I'm getting a taste of my own medicine.

 

No, It is never healthy to spite for the sake of it...

 

However, it is great that you "feel" for your H or his relapse would have meant nothing to you. That is a great start... coming clean about your own relapse is the best move you could do, it makes a better you because you want to be.

I only hope it is enough inspiration for him to do the same. He may use your A as a "reason" so be prepared for that.

[Spectre]

I liked those types of those stories. My H is a recovering drug addict. Except for one relapse about 5 years ago, which he told me immediately about, he's been clean almost 10 years. He relapsed over the weekend when I was working a double. I know for fact he relapsed and he keeps lying about it. I just don't see any hope for us any more. He deserves a faithful wife and I deserve a clean and sober husband. I'm so disappointed he did this again.

 

Okay. but please do not try to downplay what you did because of his drug relapse. It's certainly possible he relapsed because he could pretty much sense something was wrong in your relationship via your cheating. I'm not saying it excuses it, but don't try to exactly turn this around on him. If you began deceiving him first and breaking his trust then you can't exactly expect him to be confiding in you. Relapsing on a drug, in this context, is not grounds for divorce necessarily. Cheating, on the other hand, is. So please do not lose sight of the overall situation in dealing with this. Also don't even try to compare what he is doing to what you did, because they aren't the same so don't even go down that route because it will make him see you differently. Whatever he did with drugs? He didn't bring another person into this marriage. I am not saying you are doing that, simply pointing it out before hand that you shouldn't do it.

 

So yes, you need to set this man free. Hopefully his drug relapse was more or less caused by all the drama going on and not some deeper issue. Hopefully once he is free of you he can focus on becoming drug free.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Spectre

[BetrayedH]

She didn't cause his drug relapse any more than he caused her to cheat. And his relapse could very well be just as much of a dealbreaker to her as her infidelity is to him. There are many ways to break your vows.

 

Where I agree with you is that neither of them should conflate the other person's actions with their own. They each have to own their mistakes. Neither of them made their spouse do anything.

[Spectre]

She didn't cause his drug relapse any more than he caused her to cheat. And his relapse could very well be just as much of a dealbreaker to her as her infidelity is to him. There are many ways to break your vows.

 

Where I agree with you is that neither of them should conflate the other person's actions with their own. They each have to own their mistakes. Neither of them made their spouse do anything.

 

You are probably right, I just think this is a slippery slope if she tries to imply the two things are the same. I think bringing a third party into the marriage is the worst thing you can do. Not to suggest lying, etc. and stuff like that aren't bad too and no she didn't force him into it. I just think she needs to be careful this doesn't turn into a "hey you cheated" and " well hey you lied about using drugs!" thing. Kind of almost feels like taking the easy way out. Like "oh I cheated and betrayed this guy with another man, but he lied about using drugs so he is wrong too and thus I feel a bit better." That is the mentality I just don't want anyone to have.

 

Not suggesting anyone does have that, just mentioning it so it can be avoided.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Spectre

[BetrayedH]

You are probably right, I just think this is a slippery slope if she tries to imply the two things are the same. I think bringing a third party into the marriage is the worst thing you can do. Not to suggest lying, etc. and stuff like that aren't bad too and no she didn't force him into it. I just think she needs to be careful this doesn't turn into a "hey you cheated" and " well hey you lied about using drugs!" thing. Kind of almost feels like taking the easy way out. Like "oh I cheated and betrayed this guy with another man, but he lied about using drugs so he is wrong too and thus I feel a bit better." That is the mentality I just don't want anyone to have.

 

Not suggesting anyone does have that, just mentioning it so it can be avoided.

 

I think you and I are on a very similar wavelength. I won't debate which is worse, just because I suspect that it's a matter of perspective. If violet's husband was forgiven his drug use and associated infidelities from years past and it was contingent upon him never using drugs again and he's now using drugs and bold-faced lying about it, then I can see it being a marital dealbreaker for her.

 

But you're definitely right that a battle of whose actions were worse than the other's is going to be fruitless. Someone who is truly remorseful won't continue to use the actions of another to justify their own. I have had to learn this the hard way. My wife had a long-term PA. A few months later, I had my own and had every rationalization in the book. At the end of the day, none of them passed the smell test. I've had to own my own poor choices. And it sucks.

[violet1]

Okay. but please do not try to downplay what you did because of his drug relapse. It's certainly possible he relapsed because he could pretty much sense something was wrong in your relationship via your cheating. I'm not saying it excuses it, but don't try to exactly turn this around on him. If you began deceiving him first and breaking his trust then you can't exactly expect him to be confiding in you. Relapsing on a drug, in this context, is not grounds for divorce necessarily. Cheating, on the other hand, is. So please do not lose sight of the overall situation in dealing with this. Also don't even try to compare what he is doing to what you did, because they aren't the same so don't even go down that route because it will make him see you differently. Whatever he did with drugs? He didn't bring another person into this marriage. I am not saying you are doing that, simply pointing it out before hand that you shouldn't do it.

 

So yes, you need to set this man free. Hopefully his drug relapse was more or less caused by all the drama going on and not some deeper issue. Hopefully once he is free of you he can focus on becoming drug free.

Actually his drug use is grounds for divorce. I dealt with his addiction for a very long time. I dealt with him cheating, lying, stealing from me, losing job after job because he was too strung out to go to work. Before we got married, he promised me he wouldn't touch it again. I told him it would be grounds for divorce if he relapses and hides it. He agreed to that. I'm not saying what he did was worse. However, I have just as much as a right to divorce him for his relapse as he does me for breaking NC. Please don't try to imply his relapse is not a big deal. It is a big deal!!!!