The foggy WS

[gettingstronger]

Violet, yes you must tell your husband especially if as part of your reconciliation you told him you wouldn't do the things you did. I am sorry you are hurting and you still need to take care of you but I don't think you will be able to fully heal unless you are totally honest with your husband. It doesn't have to be right now, but you must tell him. Honesty must be part of the new healthier you.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Violet, I feel your pain...but you need to tell your husband. He deserves to make a decision about reconciliation with all the facts. You are hurting him by not telling him and letting him decide for himself. He DESERVES this. You owe him this. Choose the right and honorable path.

 

You cannot erase the past...but you can choose from now on to be the best person you can possibly be...start now. Being the person you have become is only hurting YOU more. You say you hate yourself? Start making choices that will bring you back to the person you want to be. Tell him.

[frogss29]

Well, as a BW, I would want to know if my WH saw the AP . And it would be over. Completely over.

But, if I was Violet's friend, I would say don't tell your H.

It will destroy him.

IF you intend to see your AP again, for ANY reason, then I would advise you to leave your H.

I feel so weird suggesting to a WW to be dishonest.

I suppose women find it harder to let go of someone they thought they loved?

But do you really love your husband????

[AlwaysGrowing]

Violet...are you able to be brutally honest with yourself? Are you able to put yourself in another's shoes?

 

Might it be proper for your husband to be aware...that you are unable to control your emotions/actions....in spite of bearing witness to the carnage your husband has already suffered?

 

Can you honestly say that this latest betrayal is something that a wife who loves her husband would do or is someone who even grasps the extent of hurt betrayal causes to the one on the receiving end?

 

Are those the actions/thought processes of someone that should have "guardianship" over someone else's life choices?

 

Is it time...for you to deal with any residual childhood issues?

 

Do you understand that ICs do not have magic wands to fix us? That work....real work is required to repair and heal. Some examples have been given, Meditation, yoga, running, reading...etc.

 

As far as the fog is concerned, it generally follows how responsible a person feels for the pain they have caused. Hard to have fond memories of something/someone who killed a part of your spouses spirit. The association between the act and the outcome is usually set in cement for those folks. So they generally drop anything/everything associated with that...actually they can't get rid of it fast enough...as it taints them in the here and now. For those people....NC is not only easy...they NEED it...to start feeling good about themselves....it can very much be a switch.

[whichwayisup]

I didn't think it was okay. I thought I could be friends with him. Yes, it sounds ridiculously stupid. I just need to divorce my H so he can find someone better. I really don't deserve love and I know that. Every time I tell him that he says he only wants me. I can't figure out why. I'm one of those people who should just be alone. I was never like this before. I never cheated before. I had been cheated on, felt the pain. I never thought I'd become the cheater. I never thought I'd have such a need for validation like this. This really is so unlike me. I'm the one who sacrifices everything for others and always gets hurt in the end. I'm not the one who causes pain to others. This is just not me, but yet I feel this crazy addiction to this other man and I don't know why. don't even recognize who I am anymore. That is how lost I am. I thought things were getting better, but I had to go and screw it all up.

 

No, you just need to put your husband first. Stop thinking of yourself first and your own happiness, your own desires.

 

Get TOUGH on yourself Violet! You have a husband who has forgiven you and given you another chance - Do you see how selfish it is of you to even consider a friendship with the exMM? Knowing how you hurt your H, did you think he would be okay with it? My guess is no.

 

Get some counseling. I am sorry for your past pain, your childhood, your mom and all the suffering, nobody should have to go through that.. - Obviously it has messed you up and the fog too you're in is not helping you make clear and good decisions.

 

Agreeing with the others, you have to come clean to your husband about breaking contact. if you don't and he finds out on his own, it's going to be a lot harder, possibly push him away too.

[Artie Lang]

 

I have not told my H and I'm not going to.

 

then all you're doing is sweeping your behavior under the rug in the guise of doing something noble, as in NOT wanting to hurt your husband any further.

 

that ship has sailed, sister.

 

 

stop with the pity-party already and do the right thing- tell your husband!

[Mickey1982]

Violet...are you able to be brutally honest with yourself? Are you able to put yourself in another's shoes?

 

Might it be proper for your husband to be aware...that you are unable to control your emotions/actions....in spite of bearing witness to the carnage your husband has already suffered?

 

Can you honestly say that this latest betrayal is something that a wife who loves her husband would do or is someone who even grasps the extent of hurt betrayal causes to the one on the receiving end?

 

Are those the actions/thought processes of someone that should have "guardianship" over someone else's life choices?

 

Is it time...for you to deal with any residual childhood issues?

 

Do you understand that ICs do not have magic wands to fix us? That work....real work is required to repair and heal. Some examples have been given, Meditation, yoga, running, reading...etc.

 

As far as the fog is concerned, it generally follows how responsible a person feels for the pain they have caused. Hard to have fond memories of something/someone who killed a part of your spouses spirit. The association between the act and the outcome is usually set in cement for those folks. So they generally drop anything/everything associated with that...actually they can't get rid of it fast enough...as it taints them in the here and now. For those people....NC is not only easy...they NEED it...to start feeling good about themselves....it can very much be a switch.

 

Alwaysgrowing, can you elaborate more (on your experience) on As far as the fog is concerned, it generally follows how responsible a person feels for the pain they have caused. Hard to have fond memories of something/someone who killed a part of your spouses spirit. The association between the act and the outcome is usually set in cement for those folks. So they generally drop anything/everything associated with that...actually they can't get rid of it fast enough...as it taints them in the here and now. For those people....NC is not only easy...they NEED it...to start feeling good about themselves....it can very much be a switch.

 

This is something I can't understand if the APs were in love? How does the switch get flipped so fast???? Please help explain!

[twosadthings]

Violet,

 

I can't say that this post will help you out of your fog but I hope it makes me feel better. I saw your post about your renewed faithlessness the other day and wanted to post to you but didn't because I only post to the original thread starter.

 

I wasn't surprised you did what you did, what surprised me, a complete and total stranger, was the sadness it evoked within me. Sadness that another stranger, your husband, his family, is living under a hugh unbalanced dangerous rock without a clue. I'm not sure, I could go back and look, but I may have said in another posting to you that the faithlessness is not the biggest betrayal, a faithless remorse is.

 

I can't say that I think this post will be helpful to you or for that matter, for myself. Maybe I'll find out after I hit the send button.

 

Twosadthings

[waterwoman]

I don't know how to nurture myself. I honestly don't. I had a very abusive childhood and a mentally ill mother who constantly manipulated me until her death. I've always figured that as long as I make the people around me happy, everything will be okay. I've seen therapist after therapist over the years. I'm very aware I'm broken. Yes, you are right I need to fill that hole inside me. I've always looked to others for acceptance and validation. I've never gone by own way.

 

Hey violet, me too. Other people come first, always. Thing is, the smell of burning martyr isn't very pleasant . I have had to force myself to start to grab little bits of life back for myself. Those little bits allow me to ground myself a little.

 

I used to think that nothing I did for myself mattered, if it wasn't witnessed or shared - as if I wasn't a good enough audience, I wasn't important.

 

I am going for a run tonight after work - my old self would have said 'No, you have kids to look after, a husband who isn't well, you should be cooking dinner, putting away the shopping..... being mummy and wife. The new self who realises being selfless doesn't stop you being betrayed, is going to say 'stuff it, that can wait'. And when I come back, refreshed and reinvigorated (and probably lmping due to sore knee ) I will be in exactly the right frame of mind to be a wife and mummy without the resentment.

 

Many many years ago I had what I know now was a brief EA. It made me feel so good. But the fallout was big - even though H never knew. There were so many things I could have chosen to do that would have been better for me than that.

[Sub]

Well, as a BW, I would want to know if my WH saw the AP . And it would be over. Completely over.

But, if I was Violet's friend, I would say don't tell your H.

It will destroy him.

IF you intend to see your AP again, for ANY reason, then I would advise you to leave your H.

 

I can almost understand this if the WW was just done with an A and definitely moving on. But she didn't intend to see the AP again before, so her intentions obviously don't seem to stick. With numerous opportunities to "pull up" in this instance - broke NC, then saw AP, then slept with AP - she didn't. I think if she truly does love her H in any way, she'll disclose before she potentially makes it worse, either by doing it again or being completely miserable from guilt.

[A.Moscote]

Hi violet, hope you are feeling better.

 

To fall again betraying your loved one after all the DDay and R attempt will always be disappointing, hurt, and confusing. Please gather your strength and don't give up. Many of us know you are genuine in trying to improve your situations and make amends.

 

Firstly now you have to calm down. Yes you messed up, but don't let it derails you any further. Smack your head, or whatever you are thinking with, stop crying and recompose yourself. Going to the gym, or any physical exercise is a good idea. Go have a run around the countryside. Invite your H if it's okay. Give yourself several days, you'll come out less cluttered and more optimist.

 

Start the NC again. By now you should be really aware that even the smallest contact could lead to a very wretched incident. No need for closure, or any other veils for contact. What more you'd want to talk about with him? So be more careful and mindful of your action. You've done it quite well actually for the 2 f* months, so why not this time you make it forever.

 

Then buried your need for friendship with him. He's not a "friendship soul mate". It's not really that special. Try to get more closer to other female friends if you really need to be in a friendship, maybe they can be great friends who knows. At least it can help you get busy and forget him.

 

That's it, the three things for now; Recompose yourself, start the NC again, and kill that friendship crave.

 

Hope this post will help you. They are what I think you should do in this coming few weeks before you start planning/working on the heavier aspects e.g. clearing the fogs, full confessions, deciding marriage path, correcting yourself, or nurturing the right values.

Edited April 10, 2014 by A.Moscote

[violet1]

Thanks everyone!

 

Yes, I was feeling very sorry for myself yesterday. Yeah, yeah poor me.

 

You guys are all right. I do need to tell my H. I went to medical doctor and started on anti-depressants. I'm going to look for an IC. I'm also going to read a lot of the books that were suggested.

 

I'm very confident that I can stick to NC. I was faithful for a very long time. I've really never been the cheating type. I'm not a serial cheater. No matter what happens in my M, I do need to pull my head out and work on myself. I'm feeling a lot better today. I've just got to figure out the best way to tell my H. Any suggestions?

[violet1]

Think about what you really want. Once you're caught things come out into the clear light of day. There is no fog. Not if you claim to want to be with your H. Contacting the OM is a clear sign you have no respect for your H or M.

 

Honestly, what was your intention?

All I can say is that I was being stupid and selfish.

[Sub]

One thing I can say is: don't use the fact that he's back on his feet after some job-related depression as a reason to not disclose. I can't speak for your H, but I was in a similar state for a while pre-D-Day. I landed a good thing two days before discovering my W's A, which was huge not just for us as a family, but me as an individual. Gaining that stability, feeling that accomplishment, actually helped balance me out when dealing with the mindf**k of the A. Your BH may be in a similarly better place as an individual to deal with it now. You may find that it's given him the strength to take control of the situation and make the hard decision about your R.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Alwaysgrowing, can you elaborate more (on your experience) on As far as the fog is concerned, it generally follows how responsible a person feels for the pain they have caused. Hard to have fond memories of something/someone who killed a part of your spouses spirit. The association between the act and the outcome is usually set in cement for those folks. So they generally drop anything/everything associated with that...actually they can't get rid of it fast enough...as it taints them in the here and now. For those people....NC is not only easy...they NEED it...to start feeling good about themselves....it can very much be a switch.

 

This is something I can't understand if the APs were in love? How does the switch get flipped so fast???? Please help explain!

 

 

Mickey, it is painful to read your posts...trying to figure/process this part...which is understandable as it is not in your life experiences...you have no reference point.

 

It is not your job to figure this out. Your job is to accept the choice your MM has made. That is all.

 

With acceptance..it unburdens you from being tied/bogged down/finding your worth from the affair. It releases the bindings that are keeping you stuck...spinning your wheels on an issue you have no say in.

 

We all need to learn to recognize what is ours to carry and what is not. Stop picking up other peoples choices and focus on yours. You will find that there is a lightness and a strength from doing so.

[bigman1]

Violet, I have not posted to you before and due to your expressions of REGRET and GUILT this may seem harsh, but maybe you do need to separate from your husband. Not as punishment or atonement, but because a lot of what you said suggests that you need some alone time and your husband needs time to get his head right.

 

Your first move was to contact your AP secretly. That was a return to cheating. You did not tell your H about that. How much thought went into that? You knew that meeting was not about closure. Give us a blow by blow account of that conversation and I will prove it with your own words. You knew something physical was on the horizon. Did you meet in a secret location or concealed location so that it was conducive to something physical or did you meet in a Starbucks at mid day? Next, you cleaned up and fooled your H so he was none the wiser. You came here and lied. You were asked a direct question and you avoided it at first, then you lied to anonymous folks on the internet. Really? Then you came somewhat clean and said, you were going to keep it from your husband. Come on, V. Regret and Remorse are different. You have regret and that is fine. You are supposed to.

 

I read threads all the time about wives who string their husbands along, go back to the AP and ultimately leave for the AP. Those are tough reads. You, as much as we hate to admit it, because you are so like-able, happen to be one of those wives. I'm sure each of those wives struggled with guilt, etc. Some were cold, direct and brutal, but most stories are about multiple Ddays and then the pain of the slow, cruel death of the husband's soul.

 

Do yourself and your husband a favor. Separate. I did not say Divorce. It may come to that, but you need to let him know what he needs to do for him, you have learned that from this board. Tell him that he cannot "love you back" or "nice you back". It is all about you. Tell him he needs to let you live with yourself and see where things can go with AP. Tell him he needs to live with himself to see if he feels that it is worth reconcilling with you.

 

I like you. I'm not a bitter husband. I'm a realist. Regret, self-loathing, and guilt all happen. Still, it did not stop you and that is very telling. It gets easier to cross the line each time. Good luck with Dday# _____. Show WW how to act responsibly and honestly. Good intentions and food actions are different. You have to be judged by your actions. Good luck.

[sunburned]

Hi violet, hope you are feeling better.

 

To fall again betraying your loved one after all the DDay and R attempt will always be disappointing, hurt, and confusing. Please gather your strength and don't give up. Many of us know you are genuine in trying to improve your situations and make amends.

 

Firstly now you have to calm down. Yes you messed up, but don't let it derails you any further. Smack your head, or whatever you are thinking with, stop crying and recompose yourself. Going to the gym, or any physical exercise is a good idea. Go have a run around the countryside. Invite your H if it's okay. Give yourself several days, you'll come out less cluttered and more optimist.

 

Start the NC again. By now you should be really aware that even the smallest contact could lead to a very wretched incident. No need for closure, or any other veils for contact. What more you'd want to talk about with him? So be more careful and mindful of your action. You've done it quite well actually for the 2 f* months, so why not this time you make it forever.

 

Then buried your need for friendship with him. He's not a "friendship soul mate". It's not really that special. Try to get more closer to other female friends if you really need to be in a friendship, maybe they can be great friends who knows. At least it can help you get busy and forget him.

 

That's it, the three things for now; Recompose yourself, start the NC again, and kill that friendship crave.

 

Hope this post will help you. They are what I think you should do in this coming few weeks before you start planning/working on the heavier aspects e.g. clearing the fogs, full confessions, deciding marriage path, correcting yourself, or nurturing the right values.

This is good advice. Bury your need for friendship with him. It isn't impossible. He isn't friend worthy. Try to deepen your existing friendships with women and/or make new ones.

 

 

I am an xWS/MOW. I did not have a Dday so there was no snapping out of the fog, but after lurking about LS for a while I pictured H's face and what might have happened and it was enough to make me deeply ashamed. The fog lifting was gradual but picturing H's reaction really helped me maintain NC. After 3 months I lost my burning desire for contact. In another month or 2, I was 100 percent certain I would never initiate contact. It is only now (closing in on 8 mos NC) I am 90 percent sure I would not respond to contact. I hope by summer that will be 100 percent. I believe most married APs probably get there a little quicker. I seem to be a bit slow in that department. Even at my slow pace, it's been worth it. The feelings WILL fade. I haven't seen him in more than 9 months (except across a sports field) and I don't miss him.

 

 

It's kind of like dieting though. You have to give it time to work. They say it takes 2 weeks to kill your craving for a certain food, like chocolate. Unfortunately it takes a lot longer to stop craving your AP, but YOU WILL STOP CRAVING. Even if it's a year, in the grand scheme of your life, it's nothing. But give the craving a chance to burn out. Stop feeding it.

 

 

Time and distance. It's what's for dinner.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, it is painful to read your posts...trying to figure/process this part...which is understandable as it is not in your life experiences...you have no reference point.

 

It is not your job to figure this out. Your job is to accept the choice your MM has made. That is all.

 

With acceptance..it unburdens you from being tied/bogged down/finding your worth from the affair. It releases the bindings that are keeping you stuck...spinning your wheels on an issue you have no say in.

 

We all need to learn to recognize what is ours to carry and what is not. Stop picking up other peoples choices and focus on yours. You will find that there is a lightness and a strength from doing so.

 

I was hoping that understanding would bring acceptance because I cannot wrap my head around has this could happen overnight. He and I shared more than I will ever divulge in this forum and to simply walk away overnight is destroying to me. You are right, I am stuck. I don't want to be but I cannot get out of this hole to see the light of day. I was hoping you'd be able to tell me of your experience so I could understand more which I am SO very much trying to do.

[dichotomy]

 

-BS's how long would say that your WS was in a fog after D Day? What do you think helped them to develop a clear state of mind?

 

.

 

 

Fog is hard to define. But from my view it took her about 4 years till she saw it for what it was. To this day though there are lingering issues.

[gettingstronger]

I'm very confident that I can stick to NC. I was faithful for a very long time. I've really never been the cheating type. I'm not a serial cheater. No matter what happens in my M, I do need to pull my head out and work on myself. I'm feeling a lot better today. I've just got to figure out the best way to tell my H. Any suggestions?

 

 

 

That's a tough one. I am hoping once you learn more about yourself and learn to trust your instincts you will find the answer to how to tell him. I do not envy you there, I would be scared to death to do this, but do it I must. All I can say is be as gentle and honest as possible when you do. Best of luck to you!

[veritas lux mea]

Tell him the truth. It is usually the best and figure it this way. You feel you do not deserve him? At this point you don't but if you tell him and he still wants to fight for a chance to deserve him.

 

And just so you know if I had met xMM two months out I would have probably had sex too. I was still hooked on the drug. When I saw him later he grossed me out. And when I catfished him i really had to see he will do it with anyone who opens her legs.

[violet1]

One thing I can say is: don't use the fact that he's back on his feet after some job-related depression as a reason to not disclose. I can't speak for your H, but I was in a similar state for a while pre-D-Day. I landed a good thing two days before discovering my W's A, which was huge not just for us as a family, but me as an individual. Gaining that stability, feeling that accomplishment, actually helped balance me out when dealing with the mindf**k of the A. Your BH may be in a similarly better place as an individual to deal with it now. You may find that it's given him the strength to take control of the situation and make the hard decision about your R.

You have a good point. He's doing a lot better. He's confident and happy. I'm sure he can handle the truth. He needs to know. I just feel sick. I don't know how to tell him. I'm going to wait till Saturday or Sunday. He and I will have a serious talk.

[dichotomy]

I am so sorry for your husband. Falling back with OM again after NC is going to be worse I think for him.

 

I am worried he will fall apart at his new job and there going to wonder if they made a mistake in hiring him.

[violet1]

I am so sorry for your husband. Falling back with OM again after NC is going to be worse I think for him.

 

I am worried he will fall apart at his new job and there going to wonder if they made a mistake in hiring him.

I'm worried about that too. This is the honest reason why I don't want to tell him. He struggles with depression. The job market is hell in my area. What else am I suppose to do? There's honestly no way of him finding out without me telling him. He is going to crushed but I'm trying to convince myself he can handle it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am so sorry for your husband. Falling back with OM again after NC is going to be worse I think for him.

 

I am worried he will fall apart at his new job and there going to wonder if they made a mistake in hiring him.

 

 

Or it may be the very thing he needs...to focus on himself.