The foggy WS

[harrybrown]

Be honest with your H. Tell him when you broke NC if you had sex with the OM. Be prepared to tell your H everything and why you did this after you saw the pain in his face before.

 

How would you feel if he did this to you?

 

I do hope you see how your actions do have on impact on others.

 

He will never forget either punch.

[BetrayedH]

I'm worried about that too. This is the honest reason why I don't want to tell him. He struggles with depression. The job market is hell in my area. What else am I suppose to do? There's honestly no way of him finding out without me telling him. He is going to crushed but I'm trying to convince myself he can handle it.

 

I'm glad you've decided to give him the truth.

 

Honestly, it bothers me how much manipulation is employed and recommended regarding betrayed spouses. I didn't need my wife to lie to me to 'protect' me, to try to determine what I could 'handle,' or to divorce me because she knew what was 'best for me.' I just plain deserved the respect of being told the truth so I could make my own damned informed decision. To have someone with such crappy judgment making decisions about these things is just insulting.

 

Your husband might crumble, he might divorce you, he might even respect your decision to at least be honest and continue to try to reconcile with you. But those are all HIS choices. I implore that you stop trying to manipulate him and the outcome through lying. It's bad for him and it's bad for you. If he has the truth, he can start coming to grips with it. That's his job. Your job is to work on you and then, if he wants it, to support him in his decisions.

 

Good luck.

[SolG]

"So be wise, because the world needs more wisdom, and if you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would." Neil Gaiman.

 

I seriously love Neil Gaiman :-) And I think this particularly quote has some relevance for you Violet.

 

If you're so caught up in 'fog' and unable to truly evaluate your own behaviour from the inside, step outside yourself for awhile and consider. How would someone who truly, deeply loves and respects your H behave in your circumstances? Then pretend to be that person, and behave like they would.

 

Good luck with your R.

Edited April 11, 2014 by SolG

[Artie Lang]

I just plain deserved the respect of being told the truth so I could make my own damned informed decision.

 

ain't that the truth, brotha.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Artie Lang

[italianjob]

I'm very saddened to know that you couldn't stay true to your R, I was so sure you could make it.

I think you should come clean to your husband. I know this could make him reconsider his decision to R, but I think the truth would haunt you for the rest of your life. furthermore, I noticed these kind of things have a way to come to light when you least expect them to, and in that case the damage would be even worse.

[ladydesigner]

Hello all,

 

I have questions about the affair fog. I believe my head is still pretty foggy. My D Day was 2 months ago and very recently I broke NC and saw the exMM. It was a bad decision on my part. Something I deeply regret.

 

My questions are:

-WS's how long did it take you to clear the fog? Did you still have feelings for the AP after D Day? If so, how did you handle it?

 

I had a Dday much later in which I confessed my A (4 years later) so my feelings for my xAP were gone by that time. It took 1 year of NC for the thoughts to stop.

 

-BS's how long would say that your WS was in a fog after D Day? What do you think helped them to develop a clear state of mind?

 

I am a BS too! My WH was in a fog and still in the A 8 months after initial Dday. Final Dday he started to clear almost instantly.

 

I know it was wrong to break NC, but that's not what this thread is about. I want to focus on steps to clear the fog and personal growth.

 

Answers in bold

 

What really helped me was redirecting thoughts of the XAP every time they pop in your mind. Don't romanticize it, in fact look at the negative effects of the A.

 

Also therapy and friends helped me. Keeping busy and getting into something new!

[Red123]

My H came out of the fog fairly quickly. He was in LC with MOW for about a month IMs only at work 3 times a week or less, when he really started to change. I consider our Dday when I finally knew everything. I found out very early in the A but we had separated, but were still living under the same roof. When he finally came clean he immediately wrote her a NC letter and emailed it to her. He showed me all contact after that moment and stated everything changed. He then became very serious about our R and has been doing everything to make things right. He claims that while he wasn't being totally honest with me he a block in his mind that he claims was preventing him from seeing things clearly. After that day everything changed for him and he saw things for what they were, although he stated his A was over in his mind for 2 months prior to that day(????). He credits the honesty for the removal of the fog, which in his mind was real( I know some don't agree it exists) and the realization that he was about to lose us for someone that by this time he realized he did not care about at all. He stated that for him the A was about him, his self esteem and the boosts he got from her telling him how amazing he was(barf), and the excitement of the secret. Once she wanted more and the Ilys came out he realized that his A wasn't real and that he was living In a fantasy world that no longer made him happy in fact he has never felt worse about himself. I asked him after I read your post and that was his answer I have to agree that I saw that from him for sure. Hope that helps.

[violet1]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post on my thread. I appreciate every bit of advice. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm not going to tell my H, at least not right now.

 

There are a lot of factors involved. In my D Day thread I mentioned that my teenage stepdaughter's mom died of an OD a few weeks before my D Day. I recently held her when she was crying on the 2 month anniversary date of her mom's death. I also lost my mom in a tragic way when I was around her age. I'm the only one in her life who understands what she's going through. She needs me. She needs her father and I to be strong. I can't risk telling my H and him falling back into a funk. My H suffers from severe depression. He has to be strong for his daughter. Airing out your dirty secrets is not always the right decision.

 

I don't expect any of you to support or understand my decision. I know my reasonings for not telling are based in fear. It's not just my H and myself I have to think about. I have to think about my stepdaughter. I should have been thinking about her the day I broke NC. Unfortunately, I was being selfish and I wanted a fix. I should have posted here instead. I can't go back. I have to move forward. I'm NOT going to break NC again. I'm not going to continue to destroy my family. I will work on myself and I will become a better person.

 

If it comes out before I tell him, I'll explain my reasons. I know this man more than anyone else here. He will be hurt, angry, and disappointed. I know he will understand why I didn't tell him. As long as I stay strong and don't screw up again, I know I can fix my marriage. Thanks again everyone for the responses!

[BetrayedH]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post on my thread. I appreciate every bit of advice. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm not going to tell my H, at least not right now.

 

There are a lot of factors involved. In my D Day thread I mentioned that my teenage stepdaughter's mom died of an OD a few weeks before my D Day. I recently held her when she was crying on the 2 month anniversary date of her mom's death. I also lost my mom in a tragic way when I was around her age. I'm the only one in her life who understands what she's going through. She needs me. She needs her father and I to be strong. I can't risk telling my H and him falling back into a funk. My H suffers from severe depression. He has to be strong for his daughter. Airing out your dirty secrets is not always the right decision.

 

I don't expect any of you to support or understand my decision. I know my reasonings for not telling are based in fear. It's not just my H and myself I have to think about. I have to think about my stepdaughter. I should have been thinking about her the day I broke NC. Unfortunately, I was being selfish and I wanted a fix. I should have posted here instead. I can't go back. I have to move forward. I'm NOT going to break NC again. I'm not going to continue to destroy my family. I will work on myself and I will become a better person.

 

If it comes out before I tell him, I'll explain my reasons. I know this man more than anyone else here. He will be hurt, angry, and disappointed. I know he will understand why I didn't tell him. As long as I stay strong and don't screw up again, I know I can fix my marriage. Thanks again everyone for the responses!

 

For what it's worth, I actually "get" this and I have a lot of respect for the fact that it's a well-thought-out decision with some unselfish motivations behind it.

 

I will still say that I would choose otherwise for you and your family. But I can get the basic concept of it not being right for an already traumatized family at the moment.

 

That said, I hope that you give yourself a deadline for how long this excuse will remain a justified reason not to tell your husband the truth. I think it's critical for him and I think it's going to be critical for your marriage over the longer term. And ultimately, your step-daughter is not going to be traumatized over the loss of her mother forever.

[italianjob]

For what it's worth, I actually "get" this and I have a lot of respect for the fact that it's a well-thought-out decision with some unselfish motivations behind it.

 

I will still say that I would choose otherwise for you and your family. But I can get the basic concept of it not being right for an already traumatized family at the moment.

 

That said, I hope that you give yourself a deadline for how long this excuse will remain a justified reason not to tell your husband the truth. I think it's critical for him and I think it's going to be critical for your marriage over the longer term. And ultimately, your step-daughter is not going to be traumatized over the loss of her mother forever.

 

I agree. Remember, Violet, The truth has a way to emerge unexpected. It's better, when the time is right, if he knows from you.

[harrybrown]

Glad that you are thinking about your stepdaughter.

 

When the time is right, if your H is not enough reason to stop the addiction to the OM, and not just your stepdaughter, you should tell him.

 

I do not know why you can't see what it would do to you, if your H treated you the way you treat him. The first cheating was more than enough to set him free. You can not love them both and not put distance between you and your H. You can't keep up the fog and enlarge your H's faults. If you ever loved your H, since you can't quit the addiction, set him free.

 

He deserves to be free from someone stabbing him in the back over and over. Set him free. Choose one or the other, and stick with your choice.

[violet1]

For what it's worth, I actually "get" this and I have a lot of respect for the fact that it's a well-thought-out decision with some unselfish motivations behind it.

 

I will still say that I would choose otherwise for you and your family. But I can get the basic concept of it not being right for an already traumatized family at the moment.

 

That said, I hope that you give yourself a deadline for how long this excuse will remain a justified reason not to tell your husband the truth. I think it's critical for him and I think it's going to be critical for your marriage over the longer term. And ultimately, your step-daughter is not going to be traumatized over the loss of her mother forever.

It's funny you mention a deadline. I was thinking about it this morning. I think a year would be good timing. It would be a couple months past the one year anniversary of her mother's death. That's going to be a hard day for her. This gives my husband plenty of time to adjust being a full time dad. What do you think? Is that at least fair considering the circumstances?

[violet1]

Glad that you are thinking about your stepdaughter.

 

When the time is right, if your H is not enough reason to stop the addiction to the OM, and not just your stepdaughter, you should tell him.

 

I do not know why you can't see what it would do to you, if your H treated you the way you treat him. The first cheating was more than enough to set him free. You can not love them both and not put distance between you and your H. You can't keep up the fog and enlarge your H's faults. If you ever loved your H, since you can't quit the addiction, set him free.

 

He deserves to be free from someone stabbing him in the back over and over. Set him free. Choose one or the other, and stick with your choice.

I agree that he needs to know. I don't plan on keeping this a secret forever. I don't think right now is good timing. Not that there is such thing as good timing when it comes to confessing.

 

I definitely need to work on personal growth. For now on my goal is to put my family first. If I get tempted, I'll post here. Do you think that's a good plan?

[DepressedinDenver]

I think protecting your step daughter for the time being is a decent excuse. However, to think that waiting a year is some how going to lessen the blow is rather laughable. All this is going to do is make all this work on the marriage over the next year devolve in that instant, because in the end, he still cannot obviously trust you. Even if he doesnt know yet.

 

So while you may be thinking about your step daughter now all of a sudden, you are STILL after all this time NOT thinking about your husband. Nor respecting him. STILL after all of this crap. Poor chap. I hope he one day finds a better life.

[BetrayedH]

It's funny you mention a deadline. I was thinking about it this morning. I think a year would be good timing. It would be a couple months past the one year anniversary of her mother's death. That's going to be a hard day for her. This gives my husband plenty of time to adjust being a full time dad. What do you think? Is that at least fair considering the circumstances?

 

Oh good gravy. Sorry, I was thinking more like weeks to maybe a month or two. Your husband is an adult and needs to be able to handle what life brings him and he deserves the respect to make his own informed choice. I can support a short delay for the sake of a child who has recently lost her mother but my gut says that a year is pretty big overkill. Ultimately, she doesn't even need to know unless your H decides to tell her (which would be his choice).

[Under The Radar]

Personally, I think telling him a year from now is much too long. How do you think he would feel having spent 12 months trying to reconcile with you under the false guise that you've been faithful the entire time? He definitely deserves to know sooner rather than later.

 

 

He was understandably crushed by "D-Day", but still made the choice to be with you. He was able to make that choice freely having been made aware, by you, of past transgressions with the OMM. Withholding critically relevant information from him is not allowing him that choice now. He'll essentially continue to work on the marriage having been betrayed again ...... unbeknownst to him.

 

 

IMO, receiving that information a year from now, is likely to cause significantly more damage to him, the marriage, and your step daughter than telling him in the more immediate future. As already mentioned, there is never a good time to disclose such things.

[Fluttershy]

I think the longer you wait the worse the outcome will be. If he decides to forgive you... Again you can start the clock over again now. Should he find out later down the road all this time will be wasted and mean nothing to him. He is emotionaly fragile? Is he in IC or doing anything postive to work on that? I think the best bet would be an honest.

 

"I screwed up again. I met with xOM because I thought I needed closure and I ended up having sex again. I hated myself afterwards and realized I have a lot of work to do on myself. I wanted to not tell you but I know you need all the truth every step of the way. I am so very sorry." Or some such thing. Honesty from your heart may go a long way. Or this may set him free.

[William]

We've had a couple infidelity hydras show up today so moderation had to take care of them and clean up the aftermath. Apologies for the disruption and, if a poster is new and seems disruptive, save the energy responding and just hit the 'alert us' button. Thanks and please continue!

[violet1]

I think protecting your step daughter for the time being is a decent excuse. However, to think that waiting a year is some how going to lessen the blow is rather laughable. All this is going to do is make all this work on the marriage over the next year devolve in that instant, because in the end, he still cannot obviously trust you. Even if he doesnt know yet.

 

So while you may be thinking about your step daughter now all of a sudden, you are STILL after all this time NOT thinking about your husband. Nor respecting him. STILL after all of this crap. Poor chap. I hope he one day finds a better life.

I never said that it would lessen the blow. I'm thinking about my H. You aren't in my shoes. You have no clue what I'm thinking. I have a million things on my mind at the moment. I'm going to tell him.

 

Everyone needs to keep in mind that earlier today is the first time I thought about a date line. I'm still processing how and when to tell. I'm realizing that waiting a year is probably not the best idea.

[violet1]

Thanks everyone for the advice, but I think I just want this thread to die out. I didn't want my breaking NC to be the focus of this thread, but that's what happened. I'll read the suggested books, except for the ones by Dr. Harley. I've already read a little and I'm not a fan. I'll get everything else figured out one day at a time. If the moderators want to keep this thread going that's great, but I don't want to continue participating on it. Thank you all!

[Spark1111]

I wish you peace and the subsequent courage you will need in telling you H the truth.....

 

I want to add, every day, month, year you wait to tell him, even if it is to spare him pain, will be held against you in the long run....

 

If he is like me, he will wonder WHO you were really protecting and mat conclude YOURSELF.....NOT GOOD.

 

OR, he will conclude that your protection after the fact, was self-preservation, cowardice, or CYA in the extreme.....NOT GOOD.

 

Or, he will torture himself that you delayed telling him because the affair lingered and died a natural death. TRANSLATION:'I was waiting, till the last dying breath, for the OM to choose me! Then, I would have left you, but the OM did not...so, he will ever feel like your default choice, soft landing.....NOT GOOD!

 

The BEST time to tell the truth is today, no matter what else is going on in messy life. DO NOT condescend to make this decision for him.

 

It is so condescending and disrespectful. IF you did not care enough about our feelings to NOT have an affair, do not deign to withhold this information now that the affair is over.

 

It's just MORE smoke and mirrors to a BS and we will respect you A LOT less because of it.

 

The best day to tell the truth, if you truly respect us, is TODAY.....no matter the consequences or the fall out.

 

Sooner is better. Trust me on this.....

[BetrayedH]

Good luck Violet. Come back and update us.

[road]

Thanks everyone for the advice, but I think I just want this thread to die out. I didn't want my breaking NC to be the focus of this thread, but that's what happened. I'll read the suggested books, except for the ones by Dr. Harley. I've already read a little and I'm not a fan. I'll get everything else figured out one day at a time. If the moderators want to keep this thread going that's great, but I don't want to continue participating on it. Thank you all!

 

 

 

You are not a fan because Harley tells you things that you need to do but do not want to do.

 

 

Just as all the other posters telling you waiting a year to tell your BH is wrong.

 

 

Just the way you sugar coat things putting damage control as your first goal. How you said you broke NC over and over before you explained that you banged the OM again.

 

 

You can not be honest with yourself. Until then you will only be doing more damage.

[violet1]

You are not a fan because Harley tells you things that you need to do but do not want to do.

 

 

Just as all the other posters telling you waiting a year to tell your BH is wrong.

 

 

Just the way you sugar coat things putting damage control as your first goal. How you said you broke NC over and over before you explained that you banged the OM again.

 

 

You can not be honest with yourself. Until then you will only be doing more damage.

What? I didn't break NC over and over. I broke NC one time since my D Day.

 

It was one slip. I'm not going to mess up again. I don't get why everyone thinks that telling is always the right solution. Sometimes things are just better left unsaid. If I break NC again than obviously I need to end my marriage, but I'm not going to do it again. I learned my lesson this time. I'm sorry but I'm not putting my H through that pain again. I'll divorce before I'll tell because I can't do it. Telling him is not the right decision in my case. You guys do NOT know my H. You do NOT know what's best for him.

 

I posted this thread because I wanted to discuss the fog and healing. Instead the breaking of the NC and whether I should tell my H has become the main focus.

[violet1]

Thank you Mods for opening this thread back up.