<//=- What is she trying to do here ??? -=//>

[DinNJ]

yea.... overall she is a good person. Just got stuck in a situation where I think she was overwhelmed with guilt with my being with her and her son after watching her son interact with the boyfriend for for so long. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to see someone new with her son, even know I got along with him really well. Plus she had alot of family/friends who knew I was in the background and pushed her to avoid me for the sake of her marriage... regardless of it not working because of him. Having a third person involved can't be good. I just didn't like the way she emailed me that it and our friendship was over. Kinda disrespectful and heartless. Her last words to me on the phone were "You're the most perfect guy in everyway, that I have ever met" But her email stated that her words were sincere, but 'unrealistic'. So I ask you, how can words be sincere and unrealistic at the same time? *L*

[imokurnot]

She doesn't thnk she can have you. My ex says the same crap. How great I am and she misses me and loves me etc. In the end she isn't strong enough to come back to me she says because of peer pressure etc. She does have the feelings and her words are sincere just "right now" it isn't realistic for her to think you will be together. Things change as do people. It may become more realistic to her in the future. I for one hope if my ex thinks that way someday, that i am with someone else or I will have a hard time saying no lol. I hope you have someone else as well because we both deserve better as many people on here do. We will get it too, I have faith in that. It's the waiting that kills me. I am so impatient and I just want to feel better. I want to go out and meet people. I cannot do that until I am ready but I am nowhere near ready right now.

[DinNJ]

yea... I'm not so sure. This time was her opportunity to 'get out' of the relationship that was making her so unhappy. Don't think they'll be another. My luck, she'll show up pregnant this time next year.... apologize AGAIN for not listening to me. In fact, I know that's what will happen. I predicted her marriage before she ever told me about that... had a strange gut feeling about it. Sure enough, she regretted it, but went and put her hands back in the fire.

 

I have found that woman, even men who got 'stuck' in bad relationships, usually have had their self asteem beatin' down so low, that they don't feel like it's worth starting over with someone new. I've been there before... mentally, physically and emotionally abused by ex. It took me 3.5 years to get out of it with the help of my 'friend'. And now the emotional strain starts all over again. *L* I believe my girl has lost her selfasteem completely.... when I was with her for the week, she complained literally every day about herself.... "don't look at my feet... don't smell my hair, it needs to be washed... I'm not gonna wear a bathing suit..." She wouldn't let me even see her in the morning before she put on her makeup. I felt sooo bad for her that she felt so insecure around me and I did everything in my power to make her feel otherwise. But I suppose it wasn't enough to make her feel strong to keep what she had and always wanted in front of her. Maybe I just made her feel strong enough to go back to her ex. Oh well. I almost cracked today... was gonna write her an email.... either that, or hang myself. Couldn't decide which would be more effective.

[imokurnot]

You hit it on the head, you made her feel strong enough to go back to the bad situation. She will be back for you to build her back up at some point. My ex has told me I made her so much stronger and she thanks me for it. I say gee your welcome now go use what i taught you with someone else. Meanwhile I said what did I learn? I said, oh yeah thanks for teaching me not to love someone and be there for them at all costs because they won't appreciate it in the end and destroy you.

[mixwell]

man its getting a little tough for NC at this point.. Today will make 7 days i havent called her (although she called me on monday or tuesday when i posted this convo) Man this whole situation sucks right now ! I just dont know if she thinks I am mad at her or something or take it personal how I was on the phone and all that.. I dont know.. I feel like giving in but the urge isnt too bad yet.. How you doing on the NC imokurnot ?? I was kinda thinking about writing a letter but I dont know.. I dont even remember her po box number so i couldnt mail it out.. I guess ill just see how this weekend plays out and next week.. This shiz sucks !!

 

Take care you guys !!

 

Peace

[DinNJ]

Imok... again, I'm not so sure she'll be back. ... I said some pretty mean things to her with my response to her email. Well, no name calling or anything, but mostly put downs as far as her using me as an emotional doormat and for a free trip to disney, then jumping back into bed with the guy who beat up her kid. Even though I spoke the truth, I'm sure the truth hurt her. I even backed those emails up with a calm, sincere, nice email, but she deleted me from her messenger after reading it. That upset me the most. Since then, I've probably sent an email every two weeks trying to get her to talk to me, even just to let me know she's still alive, but I haven't got a word out of her. Finally realizing, she did me wrong, so why am I trying to contact her...??? She knows she's wrong, and she HAS to know I was upset and angry... so I think she should be the one making the explanations on her own, and not me trying to get one.

 

Mix - a week isn't squat in her eyes... although it feels like a lifetime for you. Remember, she's got someone to occupy her time. As far as I'm concerned, you're the only one who has a real shot here. Keep up the NC... if she calls and you CAN answer it, do so. Just be aloof and casual. Dont mention feelings or her new boyfriend. Keep it short and don't satisfy her needs.... yet. As long as she's still with the other guy, don't give any information about how you feel about her. You already layed it out on the table, so let her pursue you now. And learn from my mistakes, please. Look at the letters I've been sending... no responses. Now I'm going on two full weeks all over again.

[mixwell]

you're right Din, a week isnt much but it does seem like it.. Ive just been thinking about her alot lately in the last like 2 days. I just wonder how she feels about this whole situation ?? is she happy with this guy and thats it with us ?? or right now is she depressed as I am and thinks about us being together ?? thats what gets me thinking.. o well i guess ill never know. I just wish the outcome of this would just be here.. whether we get back together, or i start dating or just dont want a girlfriend I wish that time was here already.. I really would rather get back together though, but if I meet someone I am not going to blow them off.. So I hope things are going ok for you all..

 

later

[nan]

Man....I don't know. I guess if you have a talk with her and tell her how you feel and she still blows you off, then at least you know your answer. I think alot of people are afraid to do that simply for the fact that they're afraid of the answer, but that's the reality of the situation.

 

However, having said that, my now bf(was my ex when I was posting on here) took my talk the wrong way. I told him that I loved him, I always have and I always will. I told him that I couldn't just hang around while he went ahead and did whatever it was that he needed to do, and that I couldn't just be his friend. He took this all the wrong way thinking that I was saying goodbye and I didn't want to be his friend. When the reality of the situation was that I was still in love with him and it would've been too hard to try to maintain that friendship without feelings getting in the way.

 

He too went somewhere else, dated a girl for a while, but he was miserable the whole time and just thought about me. The girl would even ask him what was wrong because he was always depressed around her, because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't replace me. No matter how hard he tried, she would never be me and he was still in love with me and I was the one he wanted. He realized that she wasn't me and never could be, and that he loved me and came back.

 

So I guess I don't know what to do. My "talk" went bad, but now the ending is happy. But I don't like to play games either. I just want to lay it out there and let you know what's up, then at least you know my feelings and you can take them or leave them, but at least I know. Just be ready for the answer that you don't want to hear if you decide to have the talk. Set yourself up for the worst case scenario and ask yourself, can I handle that? If not, then don't have that talk yet.

 

Talk later.

 

Nan

[mixwell]

yeah nan my ex IMO would probly take it as i dont want to be friends with her like you said yer boy did.. thats not what i want because it will make things worse.. I think by not saying anything about it though, at least i havent said anything i wish i could take back.. So i am just going to keep up with the same thing with NC and let her call me.. I will answer when she calls me, but i want her to have her space so she can think about it and think about me and what she wants.. I dont know it seems to me sometimes like she has her new man and thats that.. and who knows it might be the case but i dont think so.. basically she is going out with this guy because i moved away and im sure she thought that we were through but now i am back.. so i dont know.. its just weird how she denies being with him though.. its like she doesnt want me to know because she thinks that i am going to leave or something.. either that or she is scared that it might "hurt" me, which i think by now is BS.. so yeah..

 

peace

[DinNJ]

I read somewhere it takes on average 6-8 weeks of NC on both sides for one or the other, usually the dumper to realize what they may have lost. Even being with someone else. My crazy ex of years ago, used it like clockwork. She'd dump, I'd beg, I'd give up... 6 weeks later, the phone calls would start. "I miss you" "I can't stop thinking of you" blah blah blah... "Can we meet up somewhere"

 

Of course the answer was "NO' on my part , then like a script, she would become relentless. Even when she was with someone else, it took her 2 months, but she still found a way to call. Just be patient, who knows, maybe when she does realize you are moving on, you may actually really WANT to move on without her and be with someone who won't hurt you.

 

Just be glad she didn't tell you she loved you and then run off and get married... cause' then you'd really feel hopeless and helpless... like me.

[imokurnot]

That studied some place or just a consensus D? But in your case it worked EVEN WHEN YOUR EX (SHE) WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE? I almost picked up the cell right now and called mine until I read this post. I am off to work no time to go into more detail but I'm curious how many times it was 6-8 weeks for you. Also was it just the one ex that seemed like thatwas the time-frame or multiple?

[DinNJ]

I read it in some book... a last desperate attempt to figure out woman. The writer mentioned the 6-8 week thingy. Usually on the dumpers behalf though, cause the dumpee is always thinking, "When will she call?" But the no contact supposively get's the dumper thinkin' "Why haven't they called? Have they moved on?" Or... "Did I make a mistake?"

 

As far as my experiences... I'd say the dumpers in my relationships have had second thoughts 4-8 weeks later after NC. Even the ones that I walked away from.... I found myself thinkin' about them when I was lonely or bored.

 

And yes, even when SHE was with someone else. No matter what, even if they're with someone else... something will happen that reminds them of you or their past, especially if she has a little tiff' with the new guy early in the relationship. More then likely they'll think to themselves... "Me ex wouldn't have said that" Or "I wonder what my ex would've done" then comes the..... "Hey, where is my ex? Why hasn't he called me to get me back?" The mind does crazy things with the right amount of time apart.

[imokurnot]

She already has told me she catches herself thinking, "Drew (me) would never do that to me!" So she compares this guy to me already when things come up she isn't happy about. 2 weeks ago today on a Saturday she was crying and asked me "whu do I always have to be dissapointed?" Why do people always let me down?" I couldn't believe she had the nerve to ask me about people letting other people down or people dissapointing others. She was crying over it too. Crying to me about being let down. My God does she know no shame? I couldn't believe it but at the same time I enjoyeds the fact that mr. wonderful wasn't so wonderful after-all. He treats her like a queen and I treated her like dirt. I mean that's what she told me the day she broke up with me He was understanding about her depression and her standing at the mirror for hiours at a time. I was a jerk because I would ask her nicely to come watch the movie we rented together. I always asked nicely but she would stay at the mirror for hours and we would never watch the movie. He was supposedly understanding back then. Now he tells her he doesn't believe she has depression and it is an excuse. LOL Wonder why he was so understanding when she was still with me? Hmmmmmm what could have been the reason? My ex is so stupid it is unbelievable. How hard is it to steal a girl out of a 7 yr relationship when her best friend is your cousin and the best friend hears about all the problems and tells you how unhappy the girl is. Talk about taking candy from a baby. He said and did all the right things. How could he not? He had all the advantages and inside information, Crap I could take a supermodel from a star or something like that with those advantages. I just wish I had a cousin my age that had friends let alone cute ones in long term complacent relationships. I guess that is too much to ask for huh? lol

[DinNJ]

She'll be back bro.... as long as you don't show her you care, she'll be back. But I do know how you feel... I too feel like I wanna write her something everyday or even call her, but even so much as a phonecall/hang up would still leave my number on her caller ID. Just the fact ALONE would let her know I'm thinkin' about her... thus, her head swelling. If you know in your heart, that you were a better guy and more genuine of a person... she'll know it too. Maybe not now, maybe not next month, but she will eventually.

 

again, just be glad she didn't tell you she loved you and then run off and get married to someone else.... *smacks head against wall*

[mixwell]

It sounds like imokurnot has the best chance out of the 3 of us.. haha.. hey i have a question off the topic imok.. how do you put a picture on your profile thing ? i cant fig it out.. hope the weekend its going good for you guys.. i see yer from OC ! im in commerce right now but i used to live in buena park.. im trying to get a place out there again but thats a whole nother story..

 

peace

[DinNJ]

Upload an avatar (picture) from your computer.... it's all under your profile information

 

My weekend sucks so far... I'm bored and my girl is married. nuff said.

Go Eagles.

[imokurnot]

My girlfriend is married lol. Sorry but that was funny. Mix D spelled it out for you on the avatar thing. The only thing I will add is that if it isn't 100x100 it will need to be resized. I use Irfanview as the program I use to view and edit image files of all types. You probably already know how to resize image files but if not let me know it is simple.

 

Mix I am not so sure I have any better chance than you or even D. I know D is in a tough one since she is actually married, but hey she was ready to leave before so she will be again. That always happens, they go back but after a while she won't want to be in that relationship D. Have faith. My chances I thought were good as well. Then came the abortion thing and she is now not talking to me. I haven't tried in over a week now to contact her at all either. But this is a new record and she did capitalize THIS TIME I MEAN IT, at the end of I can't talk to you anymore. LOL so she may have a new resolve, pffft not! It may take a while and if I can be patient I do have a shot. My thing is I am all set to send off this email that just destroys her. I have been typing it over the last few days and it is brutal. Not only to her but to her new guy. I included stuff like, "What kind of boyfriend wouldn't be in attendance at his girlfriends abortion". He ended up going but it was as a last minute replacement for her friend. I went on to say how disrespectful that is that he didn't feel obligated or compelled to go to be there for her and make sure she came through alright. Told everyone the only reason he attended was as Val (her best friend) told, " if we didn't get him to go in my place last minute I would have had to send my dad with her and that wouldn't be good". So that should be pretty damning stuff against this clown. The email will be CC'd to her mom so he won't be thought of as highly as he may be at this point lol. Her mom isn't even aware of the procedure and I doubt she knows my ex was even cheating on me for the last month. So this would shake the trees a little and we can see what all drops out. I won't send it just yet but damn close to it...........

 

It is bpretty brutal and as I drive around or am at work I get so mad sometimes I come home and add to the email and at the last minute I decide to wait another day. I keep telling myself there is no rush to send it out. The urge is a great one though I have to admit. I came so close to sending it on Friday you have no idea. It is like 15 pages long...lol Only her best friends that think poorly of me and her mom would be copied. There are issues with all of the parties I would cc it to that I needed to address. I want to doit just because I am tired of being passive. I want to go on the offensive for once. She says if I did anything like this her friends and everyone would hate me eve more and I would look bad in their eyes. I already look bad in their eyes and I have done nothing wrong. If it is so bad to tell the truth and evidently just an mistake to cheat on a 7 yr partner then I don't care what they think of me if I send it. LOL

[DinNJ]

I'm glad my misery is good for a laugh.... J/K it is pretty funny though

And I can understand you wanting to send that email and the urge. I've got 20 emails on stand by... But I still don't recommend it, especially the written bashing of her new man not being there for her. Honestly, she won't see it that way, although deep down inside she knows it. Instead, she'll just see you coming off jealous. It's in a womans mind. It sucks. Believe me, I had/have the opportunity to send my 'friends' husband all and every email she's ever sent me during their four years together... but I won't/didn't. It's not worth it.

 

I did enough in my responses to her 'I'm sorry' email to me. Bashing her ex husband... bashing her for taking back the guy who beat up her kid. And putting her down for using me an emotional doormat. All I did was validate her confused feelings by coming off as insecure and jealous. In the end, I should've just responded.... "Ok, good luck" and that's it. But of course emotions got the best of me. Everyone has the urges to act with emotions... it's usually first instincts, but it's also first instincts that get us in trouble. Like I said... she knows deep down inside she's wrong... just as your girl, just as Mix's girl.

 

Will she ever leave him again being that she is married??? Not sure... maybe you're right, she was ready, she may be ready again someday... but she just doesn't have the strength yet, nor the brains... pretty much codependent on him... stuck in a rut that he'll change eventually and to blind to realize he won't. Insecurity and low selfasteem are a bad combo for getting out of a doomed relationship... Her loss, not mine.

[imokurnot]

So far, well last week at least when they were in a fight, I stood up for the guy. The bashing him not being there for her is not for her or him to read. He will be cCC'd on the email. It is for her mom and dad lol. That will put it in their mind for the rest of the relationship lol. It is the truth and the truth shall set you free. I was not liked in the end by her mom because I was blamed for things that I did not do. The least I can do is tell them things he does that he actually does. LOL

 

Yeah strength of your ex is what is in question. Mine as well has even admitted to not being strong enough "right now". So she knows deep down she made a mistake but is now stuck in something due to circumstances. She realy does love him or think she does but that doesn't change the fact that she made a huge mistake and loves me too. She will have to "what if" her decision forever because she never even tried to make us work. Your ex the same thing. She has to wonder everyday about you and her and how life would be different, better, worse? Who knows.

 

I do understand what you mean by just replying with short and curteous emails or when you talk. I do need to resist the urge to send this email. If I do send it that will mean I have given up on all hope. That is the TNT that would not just burn the bridge but blow it to smithereens and widen the gap that bridge once spanned. I haven't sent it and everyday i back off a little more from sending it. It only takes one incident for me to get upset and hit the send button. I will make sure I come her first and let you talk me down from it before I do though. THANKS!

[mixwell]

imokurnot let me tell you something that might make it easier... Ok let me think... today has made the 10th day that i have done NC...in that time my ex called me 3 days into it and today she text messaged me asking what i am doing.. This makes me feel good because i know that now i am getting across to her and what I am doing is actually working.. remember you and I were with out ex for 7 YEARS ! So please just keep up NC with me here like you said you would !!! Just wait for her to call.. To me now its kinda like a game.. I feel like i have the control of it now and its actually way easier for me to not call her now.. I dont think i have any problems with NC... I admit that when it goes a little stretch i start thinking i wonder when she will call.. I hold out a little longer and she ends up calling. Just keep it up ! when your ex actually calls you, you will feel a sense of being in control of the situation and all this NC will pay off !! trust me !! i think it will make it easier for you to not call her either ! at least thats how it is for me.. anyways dont send out the letter or anything !! you dont want to burn your bridges !! trust me !! I have thought about telling my ex that i dont want to be friends because i have too many feelings for her and this and that but I think later on i might regret it and I dont want to say anything that I might regret later. Seriously if you dont say anything at all then its better than sayingn something you wish you could take back or something that might make things worse between you two.

 

So don't send out the letter and wait for her to call.. And once she does post on here and let us know how you feel. I guarantee you will feel revived that you didnt call and you will feel like you have soo much more control on the situation..

 

Take care bro !!

 

PS. I agree with you also that she will wondering what if would have been like with you.. When I broke up with my ex in the past I always thought of what it would be like without her in my life and I didnt like it when I thought about it... So Im sure you have felt that way too as well as I have even now and i would bet money on it that both of our ex's at some point, if not already, have thought about it !!

[imokurnot]

It makes me hopeful. That is great that she is starting to worry about you moving on etc. I had donbe NC once before for a week and she called a few times and I finaslly gave in and answered. It did feel great when she took the bait and got nervous or was worried about me and what I was doing. I felt "in control" and I remember how confident I had felt that day.

 

I will not send out the email although I got really depressed at a Superbowl Party I was at. I left it at halftime because I was hurting and thinking of her (she is at a different SB party with him and I kept thinking of it). So I came home to read the board and maybe finish the email or edit it some more before final prof. Your post has given me pause and I appreciate that very much. Both you and D have been awesome to me and my issue. It almost seems to me as though I have hijacked your thread and I was feeling guilty about it. I apologize if you feel that way as well. It wasn't my intention at all. I just felt our scenarios were similar and chimed in lol. So if you felt the same way i did, that I hijacked your thread, I apologize.

 

Thanks again for the thoughts and advice. I will take your advice and not blow up the bridge just yet.

[mixwell]

naw man i dont even see it as you hijacking my thread haha.. Acutally the story gets better..so i text her back and said if she wants to talk then call me.. so she does.. we were talking about music and i said i had some new CD.. She was joking around and said burn it and bring it by to her.. so i said ok what the hell.. Now i had just shaved my head and grew out my sideburns (she liked my sideburns alot before) well the first thing she says when i get there is "oh you have sideburns now !" haha i was ko0... so anyways we talked and joked around a lot ! it was great.. she was really touchy and stuff and tickling me.. i dont know why.. so anyways it was a great time we had together... she seems like she is really happy around me and said it sucked how i havent been calling her or asking to hang out.. I just said hey you dont call me either and when i USED to call you were busy and never could talk and hang out.. she was in denial and said im sorry about being like that.. I also said that i didnt like it how she had her "friend" answer the phone sometimes when I call.. She said I'm really sorry about that ( as she put her hand on mine).. She said I wont do that anymore and I will answer when you call.. Sounds like she might be realizing things now !! it was funny because she wanted to get food, so we went somewhere and when she got outta the car ii could see her thong so i snapped it and said geeze pull your pants up (in a joking manner) she didnt seem to mind.. You have no idea how horny I guess ill say that I was ! hahah she has such a nice arse and i was like dayam !!! haha so all and all we had a good time and when she gave me a hug goodbye it was firm and then she went from that to a really tight hug... so i hugged her tighter as well.. It was a good day and I hope she is realizing how good of a thing she has lost.. I think she is getting the picture though with the NC.. the only thing is that when we get along like this it makes it easier for me to call her, but i will not get like that again.. So i left it at " well call me sometime if you wana hang out or just talk" that way its on her.. But at least when she thinks about me now it will be nothing but the good times.. It almost felt like a 1st date or something.. It was really cool.. So we will see what happens from here !! so good luck and this should add to your reasons for not calling !! it has seemed (so far) to work for me ::knocks on wood:: I think it might be the same scenario with you imokurnot... who knows, but just stick to NC..

 

Take care. !!

 

Peace

 

PS..imokurnot you said someting in your post about you gave in and picked up when she called you.. the thing with NC is that YOU dont call them.. So if she calls you can answer, but just try to be happy and keep it upbeat and have a good vibe.. So for future refrences you can answer when she calls you, just dont bring up emotions or the relationship.. iight man take it easy..

[imokurnot]

Yeah now you just don't go overboard because you had a good time with her. That is what I did in the past. I called her too often or emailed her etc. once we started to hang out again. Now I know better if I get to that point again I will back off some and let it happen rather than be all up in her like I was. It wasn't that bad but I see where it wasn't the best tactic for my long term goal and strategy.

 

Keep us posted, sounds like you are in better shape now than me and D.

[DinNJ]

yea, you ARE in better shape then us... so curse her out or something... for no reason. Just go off the handle and punch or kick her... We don't wanna see you making progress unless we are.

 

Seriously though.... Imok is right... don't jump back in the fire just yet... keep the emotions to a minimum. Because the truth is ... she's still with the other guy, no matter what she 'says' Don't give her the best of both worlds, cause then you'll just become a doormat.... like me.

[clynn]

I agree with both your mom AND dad! Ha ha!

 

How about this?

 

If she calls, tell her you'd like to get together for a visit...at some point in the future. But make it like 3 or 4 weeks or more away.

 

Right now everything is very strung up and emotional.

 

Some distance may help cool the emotions.

 

Then have the honest talk and lay your cards on the table.

 

7 years is 7 years and that's that. It is worth working on and waiting for.

 

After all, you are the one that moved away, aren't you?

 

She probably thought, "He obviously doesn't see me in his future in the long term if he is willing to move away...."