I broke NC and Ex wants to retry

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon I totally agree with you. Honestly I do. I ought to walk away from this once and for all. But something in me just cant seem to do so and I don't understand why.

 

 

I thought it could be co dependency but why would it be? I run a successful business, have my own house. I don't need him in any shape of form. I am also not afraid of my own company. I travel on a regular basis, have lots of friends, ... I have also been dating the past few months and I know that there are other men out there who can give me a healthier relationship.

 

 

But I cant seem to let my ex go. I have this damn spark with him. I don't know what this spark is. But when we are at peace with each other,we are are perfect. I don't have this rappour with many people in my life. It give me purpose

 

 

Maybe you could shed some light into my destructive thinking

 

I think a counselor would do a better job. But you seem to ignore all of the bad stuff and focus on the good stuff with him. What you don't seem to grasp is that the rapport you have when it's good is only part of the package. The rest of the stuff (him flaking and leaving and using you as a tennis ball) is just as much of who he is than the part of the personality that allows you to have the rapport. You become blissfully ignorant and ignore the bad parts.

 

The fact that you are successful in your professional life is great, but that doesn't mean you can't be co-dependent. If anything, it makes it that much more vexing that you are obsessed with this man. Honestly, I think a lot of the reason why you can't get over him is because you don't allow yourself to. You either chase him or you let him come back into your life at his convenience. I mean, you have a kid -- do you really want your child seeing his or her mother used like you have been? Is that really what you want to teach your child about adult romantic relationships?

 

Honestly, I think music_and_poetry is right, you need to talk to a counselor. Because you are constructing this illusionary image of this man which ignores all the bad and pumps up all the good. But you need to realize that the bad is just as much a part of him as the good. Only he can change the bad to good, and he will NEVER change the bad to good with you because you are so willing and eager to take him back every time. This "two month" break isn't really doing anything, because he knows in two months he can say whatever he wants and you are going to eat it up. You haven't learned the lesson yet, why would this be different?

 

I mean, you are never going to get past this guy until you really give yourself a legitimate chance to get over him and evolve emotionally as a person. Either you are accepting his cheating or whatever else he does, or you are chasing after him, or you are allowing him to come back when he wants. It's lunacy.

 

I mean, you started this thread what, four, five months ago? And if I recall correctly you were on this site before starting it. What has changed? You are still making excuses for him "He's a very confused man" -- come on, wake the f--k up! Dumping/bolting five times isn't the act of confusion; it's a behavioral pattern. The fact that you justify that with that excuse just makes me facepalm. Confusion is viable with one break/slipup, not FIVE. Confusion is a convenient excuse he comes up with so he can do what he wants on his terms, and you foolishly take it as gospel and wait for his scraps. And you are waiting for his scraps.

 

I mean, like I've said before, it's ultimately your life, but jesus. You can't afford to be this naive, especially since you have children. I'm sure you are a good mother, but this ping-pong relationship isn't giving them a good model of how to a) treat women or b) what kind of behavior they should tolerate from men (I don't know if you have a son or daughter). But yes, you should talk to someone and maybe they can get to the bottom of why your self-esteem is so tattered that not only do you tolerate this arrangement, but you actively ask for more when pedestaling this man who you should have kicked to the curb YEARS ago.

[Zapbasket]

I think a counselor would do a better job. But you seem to ignore all of the bad stuff and focus on the good stuff with him. What you don't seem to grasp is that the rapport you have when it's good is only part of the package. The rest of the stuff (him flaking and leaving and using you as a tennis ball) is just as much of who he is than the part of the personality that allows you to have the rapport. You become blissfully ignorant and ignore the bad parts.

 

Pay especial attention to this. Simon Phoenix is right. I can relate to how hard it is to look at your interactions in their totality, where you see the bad along with the good. With my most recent relationship, I was stuck on how good it COULD BE, if only X bad dynamic were absent. And when I'd think I should call time on the relationship, the little bits of good kept me hanging on, hoping.

 

The bottom line is, when there is more bad than good in a relationship, even if the good is magical, the relationship will only ever be a heartache. People told me the relationship never was going to amount to what I ultimately was looking for, and I didn't believe them because I believed in the "magic" of the good that did exist between us. I have been devastated by how he ended things, surprised, because I didn't pay sufficient attention to the bad that would have told me early on this was not going to end well.

 

I read my earliest LS threads on this relationship and I can't BELIEVE I put up with what I did. I made excuse after excuse for him; it's embarrassing. Now I ask myself, and I ask you: wouldn't it be nice to be in a relationship that was pretty much ALL good, not perfect, but truly GOOD?

 

It doesn't sound like you'll ever get there with this guy. I know how hard it is to stop it once and for all, but you must. Really.

[mangetout]

Music, Simon and green cove thank you for your replays. It was hard to read your posts because I know all of you are saying the right thing. Yet I still get this twinge of fear when I think I will never see him again.

 

I just have to say that none of this is affecting my son because he thinks my ex and I are just friends. So it doesn't matter to him if he sees my ex every once in a while.

 

But yes you guys are so right and I am more angry with myself that I am so weak.

 

Believe it or not I have had quite a few councelling sessions over this matter. I have tried to deal with this obsession I have with my ex but I still cannot find the answers to my behaviour. Councellers, therapists etc etc don't give answers. They are not allowed to. They can only guide you to where you want to go. But I am still not sure where I want to go with this.

 

I know this is gonna annoy you all but I will still meet up with him in Seotember. I can't lie about that. I want us to talk about where we both are.

 

It's very hard to know when to let go. Really is. A friend has been chasing this married man for five years and they are finally moving in together and getting married. I also said he would never leave his wife, that things will never change and I have to eat my words now.

 

So who knows

[mangetout]

Anyway, I am off to Turkey tomorrow for a ten day holiday in the sun. Maybe this break will clear my head

[Simon Phoenix]

What the hell is so significant about September that you have to have a conversation then? Why are you obsessed with having a conversation then? I really don't get the point of a two-month No Contact. I mean, it's not like you are going to do anything in two months besides count down to the actual meeting. If you are so obsessed with meeting him (which is seems like you are), you might as well get it over now. Obviously, you're better off not meeting him at all, but you seem diametrically opposed to that and, after five breakups, it's more like you are addicted than anything else.

 

I guess I don't see the point of this waiting. All you are doing now is just counting down the days. I'd rather you take control of the situation and not meet, but there's no way in hell that's happening.

[mangetout]

What the hell is so significant about September that you have to have a conversation then? Why are you obsessed with having a conversation then? I really don't get the point of a two-month No Contact. I mean, it's not like you are going to do anything in two months besides count down to the actual meeting. If you are so obsessed with meeting him (which is seems like you are), you might as well get it over now. Obviously, you're better off not meeting him at all, but you seem diametrically opposed to that and, after five breakups, it's more like you are addicted than anything else.

 

I guess I don't see the point of this waiting. All you are doing now is just counting down the days. I'd rather you take control of the situation and not meet, but there's no way in hell that's happening.

 

Simon I am very confused at the moment. I know you are talking sense and I am desperately trying to be this strong person. I know I should let it go permanently. Every bone in my body is telling me this.

 

I am so upset with myself right now. I ought to block his number and move on.

[mangetout]

Ok. I have just sent him a text to tell him there is no point in meeting up..that we have a toxic relationship..that we have to let it go. Or more to the point, I have to let it go.

 

I have now blocked his number. I feel numb. I could cry

[mangetout]

But why the hell am I sad?!! He dumped me so many times. He told me so many times that it's not working.

 

So now it feel I am dumping him and my god it hurts me. I need to get a life

[Simon Phoenix]

Honestly, I think this is a good step. You need to take significant time away from this man -- six months minimum, probably more -- without any sort of contact. You've never given yourself a chance to move forward either a) because you chase him down or b) because he throws out bait and you gobble it up. You have to really give yourself a fair shot to move forward and evolve. You've been stagnant because this has never happened.

 

I know it sucks now and it will continue to suck for a while. He's an addiction and you are going to feel withdrawal. But you gotta live through the suck to come out better on the other end. When that happens, you'll find a more worthy bond with someone.

[mangetout]

Simon I will try. I am really sad right now but I do know I have done the right thing. I have to start prioritising myself and focus on getting healthier in body and mind.

 

Letting go of someone you love is such a killer. One of the hardest things to do.

 

Right. Gonna switch off for a while and enjoy my holiday.

[truthalwayshurts]

Love is the most dangerous things can ever happen to person! See my posting history in this site and advices i have given and i followed my heart and now im back here again!

 

I lost total of 8 years of my life... Now when i think past 8 years of my life all i see is that i havent event been standing in same place instead i have gone backwards just because i havent listened anyones advice but followed my heart!

 

Please do yourself a favour and leave this person...

 

I always thought people change, they learn etc... But in reality people dont change! You can not change someone! Its just no body can hide themselves in long run, nobody can fake it, no body can live a life thats full of acting!!!

 

I see you are going Turkey and im sure you can find someone even better there. The reason i say that im originally Turkish but from UK and everyone around me call me the biggest idiot for falling into this stupid trap and ruining 8 years of my life .

 

Hope you have great time on your holiday and take advices from here...

 

All the best.

[music_and_poetry]

Ok. I have just sent him a text to tell him there is no point in meeting up..that we have a toxic relationship..that we have to let it go. Or more to the point, I have to let it go.

 

I have now blocked his number. I feel numb. I could cry

 

Very difficult but wise decision! Proud of you - instead of crying (it's ok to cry a little) focus on loving yourself. You have put this man first for a long time. Time to meet your new best friend - it's you! (And maybe @Simon Phoenix )

[mangetout]

I am trying to be strong but this isn't easy. I have never blocked anyone before.

 

I am not sure if this is the right thing to do to be honest.

[Zahara]

I am trying to be strong but this isn't easy. I have never blocked anyone before.

 

I am not sure if this is the right thing to do to be honest.

 

This isn't just anyone. This is a man that has emotionally and mentally damaged you. Therefore, you need to do whatever it takes to stop that from happening again. This is the only way.

 

What has been the right thing to do though? Everything you have done has left you in the same exact position. So, what would be the right thing to do? Leave yourself open to his communication? What are the alternatives?

 

This doesn't feel like the right thing to do because you don't want to do it. The right thing is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

[Simon Phoenix]

I am trying to be strong but this isn't easy. I have never blocked anyone before.

 

I am not sure if this is the right thing to do to be honest.

 

Your instincts have been severely off when dealing with this man from the jump. It's time to do something that feels "wrong" because what feels "right" to you is simply ineffective and damaging.

[mangetout]

Hi I just want to say that I am still on my holiday. The sun is doing me a world of good.

Having this time off has shown me how messed up my head has become from this destructive on off relationship. I now see that I have been driven by an addiction rather than real love. I also see how dysfunctional my ex is. God is he a mess.

 

I genuienely want out this time.

 

If he tried to contact me in the future I will ignore it

[mangetout]

Time to get rid of the source of my pain once and for all

[BC1980]

Time to get rid of the source of my pain once and for all

 

You're doing the right thing. It's difficult because we want to believe someone can change. We think the person can change because we know them, and we see the good in the person. It's so hard when you are in love because you can't see the logic that others can see. You think that because you love the person, you see them on a different level, and they will be different for you. I wish it worked that way, but reality isn't like that.

 

We often overlook the bad or the just plain incompatible in a person because we give the good more weight. The truth is that most people are not all bad or all good. You can love the good in your ex, and he doesn't have to be a monster for you to realize that you need to walk away and block him from your life. You don't have to paint him as a complete A hole to know that the dynamic that has evolved is emotionally dysfunctional and cannot go on. Whatever his issues are, I'm sure he is not a bad person. I'm sure there is a lot good in there, and that is sometimes the hardest person to let go of. In the end, the relationship (or non relationship, whatever it is) is not healthy in any way and is not contributing to you growing and evolving as a human being who wants to make a good life for herself. It sucks, but it's better to accept the reality now than to go another year or even more in this mess. If you cut him out of your life, at least you have a chance to move on and be happy again one day. If you keep entertaining him in any way, you don't have that chance.

[me85]

Mangetout, my heart truly goes out to you. We both have made the same mistakes in giving someone too many chances and too much forgiveness that they honestly didn't deserve after all they put us through.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I've done the same thing with my ex before. Your story is almost the same exact as my story.

 

For me, I thought because I'm such a strong person (and he wasn't) that I could handle all the weight on my shoulders. In the end, you realize that that isn't the way a RS is supposed to be. The other person has to carry some weight too. Us doing all the heavy lifting is backwards thinking. We're women and we've been doormats for centuries so we really think that that's the way it's supposed to be...WRONG.

 

I know how hard it is to stop talking to someone you love so much but you are doing the right thing. We are all proud of you because we've all been there at least once with someone we love. We just love them so much that we don't want to give up on them. But you're not "giving up" on him, he gave up on you. You're just taking the necessary steps to heal from that. You did your best. He gave up on the RS, not you honey. You tried and you keep trying. He has taken advantage of your love and kindness.

 

I promise that one day his guilt will torment him. It'll eat him alive. Trust me, he'll finally be ready to commit and want you back for good one day...but by that time you won't even want him anymore. That's the beauty of these types of situations. I find great comfort in knowing that my ex will eventually want me back again and I'll be 100% over him. My exes have all come back and not even just exes...every guy I've ever just dated, even casually. Good always conquers bad. We will always come out winners, if and only if we do the right thing.

 

You blocking him and moving forward in your life is doing the right thing.

 

Like you said, you have something going on with you for you to allow someone to treat you like that. Same as I do. Soooo work on yourself. You need to change and improve as well.

 

Imagine if you focus on yourself and not contact your ex...and him being forced to go over all the possibilities in his mind why you're not there for him anymore...which eventually forces him to want to be better...in time, who knows what could happen?? Now, you can't sit around and hope this will be the outcome because it may not be. YOU CANNOT HOLD OUT HOPE FOR HIM ANYMORE. But know this, if he really wants you back in his life nothing in the world will be able to keep him from getting to you and nothing in the world will stop him from trying to win you back. He'll jump hurdles. Shhhit you just say jump and he'll ask how high.

 

Just be confident. Know that either way, you'll be good.

 

Best wishes and lots of hugs to you,

J

Edited August 11, 2014 by me85

[mangetout]

You're doing the right thing. It's difficult because we want to believe someone can change. We think the person can change because we know them, and we see the good in the person. It's so hard when you are in love because you can't see the logic that others can see. You think that because you love the person, you see them on a different level, and they will be different for you. I wish it worked that way, but reality isn't like that.

 

We often overlook the bad or the just plain incompatible in a person because we give the good more weight. The truth is that most people are not all bad or all good. You can love the good in your ex, and he doesn't have to be a monster for you to realize that you need to walk away and block him from your life. You don't have to paint him as a complete A hole to know that the dynamic that has evolved is emotionally dysfunctional and cannot go on. Whatever his issues are, I'm sure he is not a bad person. I'm sure there is a lot good in there, and that is sometimes the hardest person to let go of. In the end, the relationship (or non relationship, whatever it is) is not healthy in any way and is not contributing to you growing and evolving as a human being who wants to make a good life for herself. It sucks, but it's better to accept the reality now than to go another year or even more in this mess. If you cut him out of your life, at least you have a chance to move on and be happy again one day. If you keep entertaining him in any way, you don't have that chance.

 

BC i nearly cried reading this. I feel more lost today for some reason. Got back from my holiday..back to reality.

 

But I won't falter. It's difficult but I won't.

 

I feel like one of these women who stay with their physically abusive partners. He lures me back in with love and promises, then mentally punches me in the stomach when he dumps me suddenly. And I return to him everytime

[mangetout]

Mangetout, my heart truly goes out to you. We both have made the same mistakes in giving someone too many chances and too much forgiveness that they honestly didn't deserve after all they put us through.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I've done the same thing with my ex before. Your story is almost the same exact as my story.

 

For me, I thought because I'm such a strong person (and he wasn't) that I could handle all the weight on my shoulders. In the end, you realize that that isn't the way a RS is supposed to be. The other person has to carry some weight too. Us doing all the heavy lifting is backwards thinking. We're women and we've been doormats for centuries so we really think that that's the way it's supposed to be...WRONG.

 

I know how hard it is to stop talking to someone you love so much but you are doing the right thing. We are all proud of you because we've all been there at least once with someone we love. We just love them so much that we don't want to give up on them. But you're not "giving up" on him, he gave up on you. You're just taking the necessary steps to heal from that. You did your best. He gave up on the RS, not you honey. You tried and you keep trying. He has taken advantage of your love and kindness.

 

I promise that one day his guilt will torment him. It'll eat him alive. Trust me, he'll finally be ready to commit and want you back for good one day...but by that time you won't even want him anymore. That's the beauty of these types of situations. I find great comfort in knowing that my ex will eventually want me back again and I'll be 100% over him. My exes have all come back and not even just exes...every guy I've ever just dated, even casually. Good always conquers bad. We will always come out winners, if and only if we do the right thing.

 

You blocking him and moving forward in your life is doing the right thing.

 

Like you said, you have something going on with you for you to allow someone to treat you like that. Same as I do. Soooo work on yourself. You need to change and improve as well.

 

Imagine if you focus on yourself and not contact your ex...and him being forced to go over all the possibilities in his mind why you're not there for him anymore...which eventually forces him to want to be better...in time, who knows what could happen?? Now, you can't sit around and hope this will be the outcome because it may not be. YOU CANNOT HOLD OUT HOPE FOR HIM ANYMORE. But know this, if he really wants you back in his life nothing in the world will be able to keep him from getting to you and nothing in the world will stop him from trying to win you back. He'll jump hurdles. Shhhit you just say jump and he'll ask how high.

 

Just be confident. Know that either way, you'll be good.

 

Best wishes and lots of hugs to you,

J

 

But This is what he does all the time. He does his best to win me back but as soon as we have a hiccup he runs and says it's not working...then guaranteed a month later he is in an emotional state and tells me how sorry he is and how much he misses me and wants to work on it blah blah ......

 

This has happened four times. Now he wants me back again and I have blocked him this time.

[mangetout]

@Me85

 

It's not that I am holding out hope for him anymore as The relationship so so damaged. I am more angry with myself that I can't tell him to **** off for good.

 

But I have to stop this madness for the sake of my own sanity. It hurts like hell especially when he does want me back "again". Makes it sooooo difficult to move on

[mangetout]

But Dear God I am a 43 year old woman and I have to stop wasting my time on something that is making me so unhappy.

 

I just don't get my fear of letting him go. This is something I need to work on.

[Simon Phoenix]

But This is what he does all the time. He does his best to win me back but as soon as we have a hiccup he runs and says it's not working...then guaranteed a month later he is in an emotional state and tells me how sorry he is and how much he misses me and wants to work on it blah blah ......

 

This has happened four times. Now he wants me back again and I have blocked him this time.

 

Usually you contact him first though, so no, he doesn't exactly jump hurdles. He steps over a puddle that you have already provided a bridge to help him get across. Honestly, you did well to block him and I'm glad you are sticking with it, but let's not pretend he's moved mountains to be with you in the past.

[mangetout]

Usually you contact him first though, so no, he doesn't exactly jump hurdles. He steps over a puddle that you have already provided a bridge to help him get across. Honestly, you did well to block him and I'm glad you are sticking with it, but let's not pretend he's moved mountains to be with you in the past.

 

That's true I have kept that bridge open in the past but the last BU was the complete opposite. I told him that I was moving on and wished him all the best, then went NC.

 

And this is what happened:

He sent me a text a few weeks later to say that some of his mail may still come to my house. I told him I will forward his post and to pls redirect his mail in future. He then asked if he could personally come to collect it. I didn't reply to it.

 

He sent another text three days later if he could see me. I ignored it

 

He sent another text a week or so afterwards asking how I was and stating that he is really struggling. I ignored it

 

Then he sent another text later saying how upset he is that we can't seem to work it out and doesn't understand why we are clashing. I ignored it

 

The last text was when he asked if we could talk to see how we can iron out our differences because he misses me and my son. I replied to that one.

 

I told him that I can't see a future with us anymore..that I needed my space as my head is too confused and we could perhaps talk later in the year to hear what he has to say. But I never said he can come back into my life. I just said I was willing to hear him out.

 

But then I posted on here and sent him a final text saying we won't be meeting up. I then blocked him.

 

So this time I certainly didn't make myself available