I broke NC and Ex wants to retry

[mangetout]

Really site down and talk through what the issues are, if you don't work out the problem and seriously work towards fixing it you'll break up again. It has to be from both of you.

 

I wish you luck, I really do.

 

 

 

Fred I agree with you. Its taken many retries to come to this point of realisation that I need to relax about all of it.

 

 

My attitude before was to try and control the uncontrollable and I would immediately panic and take things personally if the outcome wasn't the way I wanted it. No wonder we clashed.

 

 

I am no longer thinking that way. Seven months of being on my own has made me fear less and I think this time we can make it work

[BC1980]

I never thought I would be posting on this thread again but my ex and I are trying again.

 

 

I broke NC ( as usual ) about two weeks ago and he said how much he missed me and much he is struggling.....

 

 

And here we are trying again!

 

Is this try number 4? How have you changed in 2 weeks that is so dramatically different than the last time? How has he changed?

[BC1980]

Fred I agree with you. Its taken many retries to come to this point of realisation that I need to relax about all of it.

 

 

My attitude before was to try and control the uncontrollable and I would immediately panic and take things personally if the outcome wasn't the way I wanted it. No wonder we clashed.

 

 

I am no longer thinking that way. Seven months of being on my own has made me fear less and I think this time we can make it work

 

So you have to change, and you've done that in 2 weeks? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, his actions facilitate your panic about not being able to control things? At the least, I hope you have talked to him about what he needs to change.

[lil hoodlum]

So you have to change, and you've done that in 2 weeks? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, his actions facilitate your panic about not being able to control things? At the least, I hope you have talked to him about what he needs to change.

 

 

I agree! Sometimes it is the actions of others that cause us to react in certain ways.

 

Example. I don't really like when people either outright lie or a dishonest with me. When they act like that, it causes me to not trust them.

 

 

When people are wishy-washy or hot and cold, it causes me to emotionally back away some.

 

Really examine how his behaviors cause you to act in certain ways and then have an open and honest talk about both partners behaviors.

[Zahara]

He broke up with me last November and I begged and pleaded for weeks on end. He then changed his mind and asked me back out in Feb. We broke up, again I begged etc then got angry. Then begged again.

 

He then asked me back out in March and we broke up two weeks later. I got really angry and then begged.

 

He then asked me back out two weeks ago. The longest time we have gone NC is 11 days.

 

M, this is pretty eye-opening, don't you think. Do you actually believe your relationship is running on a healthy dose of love versus a toxic attachment and dependence towards each other -- and you know that won't last very long. Chances are the pattern will repeat itself.

 

How much change could have happened when all I see here is constant begging on your part since last November?

[mangetout]

Is this try number 4? How have you changed in 2 weeks that is so dramatically different than the last time? How has he changed?

 

This is try number three. Try number 1 lasted two days because I panicked and flipped out. Try number 2 lasted two weeks and then I panicked and flipped out again.

 

This time I have no intention of panicking because I no longer suffer from separation anziety. I have learnt to live life without him being there on a daily basis. This is the difference in me that changes a lot in my behaviour and reaction to things.

 

I am not sure if he has changed because the main issue we fought over was the lack of sex. He suffered from a low sex drive for a long time. I haven't come that far to know as yet

[mangetout]

So you have to change, and you've done that in 2 weeks? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, his actions facilitate your panic about not being able to control things? At the least, I hope you have talked to him about what he needs to change.

 

Yes I have to change if I want this relationship to move forward. The old me has to approach our issues differently. Yes to a large extend I would say that his actions made me feel like I have lost control but a lot of these insecurities comes from myself and not from him necessarily.

 

We have done a lot of talking and I need to give him some breathing space in our relationship. There is currently not much for him to change as he is having therapy in regards to his low sex drive.

 

It's me who needs to relax a bit

[mangetout]

I agree! Sometimes it is the actions of others that cause us to react in certain ways.

 

Example. I don't really like when people either outright lie or a dishonest with me. When they act like that, it causes me to not trust them.

 

 

When people are wishy-washy or hot and cold, it causes me to emotionally back away some.

 

Really examine how his behaviors cause you to act in certain ways and then have an open and honest talk about both partners behaviors.

 

I have done a lot of thinking in the seven months we were apart and i try to view the two of us as objectively as possible. I painted him as the villain for such a long time and I have stopped giving him this label.

I have also stopped labelling myself as the poor victim.

[mangetout]

M, this is pretty eye-opening, don't you think. Do you actually believe your relationship is running on a healthy dose of love versus a toxic attachment and dependence towards each other -- and you know that won't last very long. Chances are the pattern will repeat itself.

 

How much change could have happened when all I see here is constant begging on your part since last November?

 

Something changed in me after our last break up because I saw what I was doing wrong. I tend to get somewhat hysterical if I feel I have lost control.

 

For example, the last time we tried we didn't text each other for a couple of days and I panicked. I immediately thought he wasn't interested so I sent him very negative messages questioning his sincerity about trying to make the relationship work. If I didn't hear the correct answers I became more angry and more hysterical. I eventually suggested we split up as I felt he wasn't interested. Which he then replied its best because I was still very angry with him.

 

When I look at myself objectively in that moment...I am not proud of myself. I see I have lost control of myself. Turned into some hysterical, needy woman

 

That has stopped. If I don't hear off him on a daily basis I don't make this a priority. And it's working because he is warming up to me.

[mangetout]

I am going back to the chilled woman I am and the chilled, laid back woman he fell in love with.

 

By me changing will naturally bring changes in him too. I believe that

[mangetout]

To me:

 

 

I am going to leave old grudges behind and let go of lingering issues and anger. I will leave the past in the past and do my best to leave it there. I will avoid temptation to rehash old fights or open old wounds.

 

 

I will focus on what does work and expand on it

[FredJones80]

To me:

 

 

I am going to leave old grudges behind and let go of lingering issues and anger. I will leave the past in the past and do my best to leave it there. I will avoid temptation to rehash old fights or open old wounds.

 

 

I will focus on what does work and expand on it

 

Who knows if this will work, I guess it all depends on both people working at it, so in that respect I wish you luck.

 

I do think what you say about old grudges and leaving them behind is exactly the thing to do, well, especially if they are small enough to not need resolving, if they are huge issues then I recommend they definitely need talking through.

 

I'm not trying to be gender specific but women do tend to stockpile all previous "complaints" and rehash the same stuff every argument. Ie; you may fall out over something, a man will "argue" the issue at hand, a woman will argue the issue and then start rolling out things that happened weeks, months or even years earlier.. sometimes even things you know had been previously resolved.

[mangetout]

Who knows if this will work, I guess it all depends on both people working at it, so in that respect I wish you luck.

 

I do think what you say about old grudges and leaving them behind is exactly the thing to do, well, especially if they are small enough to not need resolving, if they are huge issues then I recommend they definitely need talking through.

 

I'm not trying to be gender specific but women do tend to stockpile all previous "complaints" and rehash the same stuff every argument. Ie; you may fall out over something, a man will "argue" the issue at hand, a woman will argue the issue and then start rolling out things that happened weeks, months or even years earlier.. sometimes even things you know had been previously resolved.

 

I am not sure this applies to me but I am tired of rehashing the past. I am actually bored of it and I just want to move forward now.

[RDawg]

Best of luck to you, sounds like you have the right attitude. Just keep being chilled out!

[BC1980]

To me:

 

 

I am going to leave old grudges behind and let go of lingering issues and anger. I will leave the past in the past and do my best to leave it there. I will avoid temptation to rehash old fights or open old wounds.

 

 

I will focus on what does work and expand on it

 

It seems like you are doing all the work. Is he willing to do any work? The main concern I have is that it has always been you who broke NC and asked for another chance. You even said you begged. He probably doesn't feel that he has much of a reason to work on any issues because you have proven, three times now, that you are always going to come back. He doesn't even have to break NC to get you back.

 

I know that you think you are working on yourself and deciding how you are going to change to better suit his needs, but you have to be aware of how you are presenting yourself to him. He knows he could do next to nothing to make the relationship work, and you would still have him. You know that's the truth. He cheated on you, and you are the one begging him back. He should be the one coming to you, saying he will do any and everything to make this right.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean to you because I was also in that place at one point. I would have likely done anything to keep my ex when we were together, and I would have put up with a lot to get him back after we broke up. Only through NC and serious efforts to work through grief and build up self-esteem was I able to move away from that mindset. My outlook is completely different now, but it's been difficult work. It doesn't happen with 11 days of NC. I want the best for you, but the picture I'm seeing worries me.

[mangetout]

It seems like you are doing all the work. Is he willing to do any work? The main concern I have is that it has always been you who broke NC and asked for another chance. You even said you begged. He probably doesn't feel that he has much of a reason to work on any issues because you have proven, three times now, that you are always going to come back. He doesn't even have to break NC to get you back.

 

I know that you think you are working on yourself and deciding how you are going to change to better suit his needs, but you have to be aware of how you are presenting yourself to him. He knows he could do next to nothing to make the relationship work, and you would still have him. You know that's the truth. He cheated on you, and you are the one begging him back. He should be the one coming to you, saying he will do any and everything to make this right.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean to you because I was also in that place at one point. I would have likely done anything to keep my ex when we were together, and I would have put up with a lot to get him back after we broke up. Only through NC and serious efforts to work through grief and build up self-esteem was I able to move away from that mindset. My outlook is completely different now, but it's been difficult work. It doesn't happen with 11 days of NC. I want the best for you, but the picture I'm seeing worries me.

BC I fully understand you concern but this one night stand he had was two years ago. What he did was awful. No denying that. But to be fair to him he confessed immediately. I then ended our relationship and we were separated for five months. Throughout our break up he did everything possible to win me back. He even write a letter to my parents to ask for forgiveness for hurting me.

Believe me, he suffered.

I took him back on the one condition that we do couple councelling together. He agreed and he was as open as he could be with everything in his life. He did try. When I had triggers, he was there consoling me for hours and reassuring me that it would never happen again. It was terribly sad for both of us. He was hurting as much as I was.

 

The cheating is in the past and I do not want to carry on bringing this into our present any longer. It was my choice to give him another chance and I stand by this still.and to be honest I am sick and tired of being labelled as a victim of a cheater. I am done with that.

 

What broke us really apart was the lack of sex after that. His shame affected his libido. He began to suffer from ED.

He tried everything to get things back to normal. He went to the doctors , took testosterone shots, had hypnotherapy, acupuncture, Viagra etc the lot to try and improve his sex drive. But nothing worked. I took this issue very personally and thought I wasn't attractive enough.

 

So I would force him to have sex with me. After nine months of this pressure he broke up with me because he felt he couldn't perform any longer.

 

BC he doesn't think I am his doormat. He tells me all the time how compassionate I am as a person. That he is so lucky to have me.

 

We are just both a bit lost and need to find this path together again.

 

I personally think that I need to give him some breathing space ( I am talking about sex).

[mangetout]

I see him as a very broken man who doesn't feel he is worth anything. He has lost all confidence in himself because of the hurt he caused.

 

And I am standing above him yelling at him, reminding him what a bad person he is cause he cheated, cause he can't get an erection.

 

No wonder he runs away :-/

[mangetout]

Like I said. I need to chill and I believe this is going to change things for the two of us.

[mangetout]

Anyway we are going out for dinner this Friday. He said he would like to stay the night. I will not expect anything off him.

 

I am not going to dissect and analyse things anymore. Just take it as it comes.

 

If things still don't work out after this then so what.

[BC1980]

I see him as a very broken man who doesn't feel he is worth anything. He has lost all confidence in himself because of the hurt he caused.

 

And I am standing above him yelling at him, reminding him what a bad person he is cause he cheated, cause he can't get an erection.

 

No wonder he runs away :-/

 

It is true that if you go back, you have to let the cheating go, and that's sometimes impossible to do. It breaks a relationship irrevocably more times than not. You know what you are going back to, and you have to accept it for what it is. The other big issue is him being unable to get an erection. Is this because of his cheating? That seems like a big issue to me. You two probably need couples counseling if you are going to continue.

[mangetout]

I agree with you that infidelity shatters everything good in a relationship. But it is possible to overcome it. We did the couple counselling, and IC and the endless talking about how to help each other. But you can only do so much talking though. At some point you have to let it go and make a decision to stop being victims.

 

Its been two years since this happened and I hardly think about it now. Do I trust him? Yes I do. Maybe not 100% but enough for me to carry on living my life without paranoia, jealously and consumed by thoughts of whether he will cheat on me again.

 

Yes his ED stemmed from his cheating and this is something that he needs to sort out personally but I do know that I can help by not suffocating him . I believe that if I give him space then he will naturally relax. That I believe is the way forward. Before he cheated we had a very healthy sex life so its still in him.

 

Anyway, got another weekend with him planned. So far so good.

[mangetout]

It seems like you are doing all the work. Is he willing to do any work? The main concern I have is that it has always been you who broke NC and asked for another chance. You even said you begged. He probably doesn't feel that he has much of a reason to work on any issues because you have proven, three times now, that you are always going to come back. He doesn't even have to break NC to get you back.

 

I know that you think you are working on yourself and deciding how you are going to change to better suit his needs, but you have to be aware of how you are presenting yourself to him. He knows he could do next to nothing to make the relationship work, and you would still have him. You know that's the truth. He cheated on you, and you are the one begging him back. He should be the one coming to you, saying he will do any and everything to make this right.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean to you because I was also in that place at one point. I would have likely done anything to keep my ex when we were together, and I would have put up with a lot to get him back after we broke up. Only through NC and serious efforts to work through grief and build up self-esteem was I able to move away from that mindset. My outlook is completely different now, but it's been difficult work. It doesn't happen with 11 days of NC. I want the best for you, but the picture I'm seeing worries me.

 

 

 

BC I eat humble pie and say you were right.

 

 

We had an argument a week ago and he ran off. Again.It could have been worked out but he doesn't want anymore conflict. Doesn't want to work on any differences. I do all the work and he does none.

 

 

I really tried this time and I think I have grown but he remains stagnated.

 

 

ITs taken me some time but I am finally finding peace in letting this relationship go

[FredJones80]

Sorry it didn't work out for you.

 

At least you were brave and opened your heart for another shot, nothing wrong with that, now you have your answer.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry M. You gave it all you could and this is all the closure you need to finally move on from this. Have consolation in knowing that you did your part and it was the best you could do.

[me85]

Well that was short lived! Didn't even last two weeks.

 

 

We had our first disagreement early this week and he doesn't even want to work it out. In fact he has gone NC on me since yesterday. He has dumped me again because he has decided that we have too many issues. Well the ahole knew that so why the hell come back into my life again. All the talking we had about resolving our problems with a different approach was all hot air from his side. He has run off like he always does. Very one sided.

 

 

The idiot has serious commitment issues.

 

 

So folks I feel like absolute **** today. Angry, peeved off, sad again.

 

 

Christ I need to get off this rollercoaster.

 

Gah, we share the same exact story! I hope you're doing alright. Seems like you are pretty tough. After all the back and forth we just get numb and don't care anymore. Which is a great feeling. Yet, we're still curious about them. It's because of our ego.

 

KEEP HANGING TOUGH!