Low contact continues [update]

[goodyblue]

Don't be sorry HS. You have to do what is right for you. Find your happiness, your peace.

 

If you are not in a place to be part of an EA, because really, this is what you're describing, then you have to stop it so you can move on and find good things for yourself in your life.

 

Don't apologize to anyone for taking care of your own heart first.

 

XX

[forbidden_love]

Yes he has now lost that intimacy which is why lots of mms keep us hanging on. It is so horrible to have had that then lose it. My mm has become so conflicted he has started to pull away and turned into himself. We've been lc so basically i have let him slowly withdraw into himself. I lost my best friend and i can't get him back. I gave so much i have nothing left. Don't make my mistake. Have you gone through an anger stage?. I scared myself i got so angry at him

[Waverly]

Hope, your journey through all of this has been unbelievable. Good for you for coming out the other end of it STRONG enough to stand up for what you need. I wish you all the best.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

It's funny because I couldn't find this thread at first, as someone merged it with one of my older ones. Then when I realized it I thought it was kind of ironic. Probably all my threads on LS should be merged into one sorry, miserable, ten-thousand page mess of a thread with a predictable ending.

 

It wasn't hard to send the email. It wasn't (still really isn't) that I will miss him. To answer your question, forbiddenlove, yes I spent a lot of time in the anger stage (years) and finally came out the other end to what felt a lot more like acceptance, sadness, and even indifference.

 

But today I have spent most of the day crying. I don't even know why. He replied to my email this morning saying "No, no, no, please no - just hear me out. I'll call after work" and I read it and threw the damn iPhone across the room. It hit the wall and broke. (I guess that is one way to stop yourself from answering the phone when the ex calls, but I don't recommend it as it is expensive).

 

I was just so mad. I was so destroyed by this neverending mess with him, but I guess he's not done yet. There must be some small shred of sanity left in me, hidden somewhere, that he hasn't stomped on and pulverized into little tiny pieces yet.

 

Today it just felt like it did that day in the hospital after the baby died and I just lay there thinking "this is it - there is nothing left and I have lost everything". I haven't felt like that since then. But it really is the end of such a horrible thing and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing.

 

It just sucks. It hurts and sucks and I hate it. Life sucks. I hate feeling this way. I HATE IT.

[Mickey1982]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

It's funny because I couldn't find this thread at first, as someone merged it with one of my older ones. Then when I realized it I thought it was kind of ironic. Probably all my threads on LS should be merged into one sorry, miserable, ten-thousand page mess of a thread with a predictable ending.

 

It wasn't hard to send the email. It wasn't (still really isn't) that I will miss him. To answer your question, forbiddenlove, yes I spent a lot of time in the anger stage (years) and finally came out the other end to what felt a lot more like acceptance, sadness, and even indifference.

 

But today I have spent most of the day crying. I don't even know why. He replied to my email this morning saying "No, no, no, please no - just hear me out. I'll call after work" and I read it and threw the damn iPhone across the room. It hit the wall and broke. (I guess that is one way to stop yourself from answering the phone when the ex calls, but I don't recommend it as it is expensive).

 

I was just so mad. I was so destroyed by this neverending mess with him, but I guess he's not done yet. There must be some small shred of sanity left in me, hidden somewhere, that he hasn't stomped on and pulverized into little tiny pieces yet.

 

Today it just felt like it did that day in the hospital after the baby died and I just lay there thinking "this is it - there is nothing left and I have lost everything". I haven't felt like that since then. But it really is the end of such a horrible thing and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing.

 

It just sucks. It hurts and sucks and I hate it. Life sucks. I hate feeling this way. I HATE IT.

 

 

YOU are the strongest person I have met on this board! PLEASE know that you will get thru this. You have been a friend to all of us giving advice from the heart and from experience. You are smart, you are genuine and you are BETTER THAN THIS. Hold your head high and keep on walking....hugs, Hope Shimmers!

Edited May 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jellybean89]

Oh no... not the iPhone

 

Seriously though, you have finally put the period at the end. Please do not take his calls and do not engage into an email discussion with him. You told him you needed to be done. If he was any sort of decent man - especially with all he has put you through - he would respect your decision. But that's the issue -- he won't respect you and that makes him a giant a**hole and a d*ck head.

 

I would guess you are hurting because you have held on to ... something..with him. Not an affair per say, but still an emotional connection. You even semi-admitted it when you assumed whatever he shares with you regarding his work he won't share with his wife. How in the world would you know that for a fact? If you truly only have a friendship now, why would you even say that? That to me shows you have held onto him, to have a part of him that you are assuming he doesn't share with his wife. Maybe he does? Maybe you just don't know that he does talk to his wife about this stuff...maybe you can't deal with knowing he shares even mundane things with her? I am not trying to put you down...not at all. I want you to see that he still has a hold on you. As someone else noted, your posts have a tone of anger and resentment towards his wife -- as if she doesn't deserve this 'wonderful' man and she is not worthy of him.

 

In reality, neither you nor her should ever settle for this POS. Let's just focus on you.

 

You are really NOW grieving the end...and I am sure it hurts. I am sure you are scared and anxious and are now feeling the full brunt of the end. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself feel the pain. Don't try to stuff it down. Let it out of you. Get every ounce of it out..and then you will truly begin the next chapter of your life. You can finally move forward FULLY.

 

You have this wide open future ahead of you. You are FREE. You no longer have to deal with him..in any way. While part of that probably hurts your heart, the other part of your heart is jumping for joy that it can mend and heal and then be ready for someone new (if that is what you want).

 

You can now let your past go. You can put that PERIOD at the end and start living fully again.

 

I am happy for you (I don't mean that in an insensitive way). I am happy that HE is out of your life and hopefully soon, completely out of your heart. Its time. Its time for HOPE and HER future.

 

I truly wish you the best on the next journey in your life.

[Hope Shimmers]

YOU are the strongest person I have met on this board! PLEASE know that you will get thru this. You have been a friend to all of us giving advice from the heart and from experience. You are smart, you are genuine and you are BETTER THAN THIS. Hold your head high and keep on walking....hugs, Hope Shimmers!

 

Thank you Mickey.

 

I really appreciate your words. I will be stronger tomorrow. This was just a really tough day.

Edited May 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope Shimmers]

Oh no... not the iPhone

 

Yes, and it was the 5s. My kids tell me I should get a job as a durability tester for the iPhone. I have broken so many I have lost count. I drop them all the time. I leave them on the hood of my car and then drive off. I backed over one with my car after it was cracked and after I first dropped it into a mud puddle in a thunderstorm. Well enough about that.

 

I would guess you are hurting because you have held on to ... something..with him. Not an affair per say, but still an emotional connection. You even semi-admitted it when you assumed whatever he shares with you regarding his work he won't share with his wife. How in the world would you know that for a fact? If you truly only have a friendship now, why would you even say that?

 

I am sure he would love to share it with his wife. She just generally isn't receptive.

 

I am in a very different situation than most people in my position that I have known these 2 people for years and I know her. And you're right... I don't like her. I never did. It had nothing to do with my relationship with him though. I won't get into the reasons why but suffice it to say that I don't respect her as a person for reasons that seem to be consistent with what most other people think who know her.

 

I have heard from her recently so that she could tell me how she can "keep her man even though she is never having sex again". And the same statements for other things... she can "keep her man" even she will never do X, Y, or Z in the marriage. I won't put into words what I think about that.

 

Other than that I haven't had contact with her since the D-Days... especially the one where we were dating (and she knew it as they were separated and both dating other people) and he chose to tell her he loved me. That's when she did the about-face and yelled at me over and over on the phone that she was going to "hunt me down and kill me".

 

So no, I'm not a fan, and it doesn't matter who she is married to... I would not be a fan. There is a lot more to it, but I don't want to get into details of her at this point. It's his business, not mine. I respect his marriage to her and that's as much as I can do.

 

Anyway jellybean, thanks and I appreciate your words. I will move forward. I have the potential for a great relationship and I have a huge new business opportunity that presented itself. I have just been mourning the loss of all those years I think. And my daughter. It almost feels like I am having to forget she existed. It's tough in that way.

[BrokenPrincess]

Hey Hope, just wanted to check in & see how you're doing....have you stayed NC?

[Hope Shimmers]

Hey Hope, just wanted to check in & see how you're doing....have you stayed NC?

 

Thanks BP for asking! I was surprised to see your post because I was just looking for this thread to post an update tonight.

 

We have still been in NC, although it is because I don't reply.

 

Last night I got an email from him saying that he couldn't do it any longer with his life and wanted to leave but he doesn't know if he can leave. His W is very dependent and he uses the analogy of him at the edge of a cliff with her dangling over the side holding to his hand while he is at the top, deciding whether to let go and let her fall to her demise or pull her up to survival.

 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true in that case. The whole thing has always been foreign to me because I am so independent in every way.

 

Anyway, he said something about how it would be best for her if he wasn't around because if he were dead, she would be financially secure and could hire people to do things she needed done, and he said it would be best for him too because he could stop being miserable.

 

I haven't responded. What do you say to that.

[Poppy's sister]

Hi hope.

What you say is... Your choice mate

That emotional blackmail is lowest of low

To hint at suicide to manipulate your feelings is disgusting behaviour.

He chose to stay with dependent woman (as did my AP... And I keep telling myself... Well your choice, more fool you)

As for your daughter... Don't ever feel it as if she didn't exist

She was and still is your daughter, you are her mother whether she is alive or dead. That never changes.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi hope.

What you say is... Your choice mate

That emotional blackmail is lowest of low

To hint at suicide to manipulate your feelings is disgusting behaviour.

He chose to stay with dependent woman (as did my AP... And I keep telling myself... Well your choice, more fool you)

As for your daughter... Don't ever feel it as if she didn't exist

She was and still is your daughter, you are her mother whether she is alive or dead. That never changes.

 

Thanks Poppy's sister. Yes, he was always good at emotional manipulation. The thing is, he knows I know he would never commit suicide (against his religion). Still, I know he wants some kind of response.

 

Thanks too for the words about my daughter. Sometimes it feels like she never existed so that really helps. She deserved better, that's for sure.

 

I remember one time (well before she was conceived) when ex-MM said to me, basically out of the blue, that his W had once told him that if he ever fathered a child by a different woman, she would want to raise the baby. At the time I thought it was an extremely odd thing to say. But she would never divorce him, no matter what he did. (My response to him was that she would raise my child over my dead body).

[beach]

His email is designed to get a reaction out of you.

 

Do you prefer to react? That would open the door to more communication possibly.

 

Or do you prefer to not react? That may allow you to continue your healing process...possibly.

 

 

Is there really anything that needs to be discussed? Maybe it would be only better to discuss anything with him IF he ever gets a divorce finalized?

 

It appears he may use you as his outlet - for emotional needs he doesn't get from her - and I'm sure IF you respond - it certainly feeds his ego.

 

But what about YOUR feelings? YOUR needs?

 

I hope you will do what's best for you!

[whichwayisup]

Thanks BP for asking! I was surprised to see your post because I was just looking for this thread to post an update tonight.

 

We have still been in NC, although it is because I don't reply.

 

Last night I got an email from him saying that he couldn't do it any longer with his life and wanted to leave but he doesn't know if he can leave. His W is very dependent and he uses the analogy of him at the edge of a cliff with her dangling over the side holding to his hand while he is at the top, deciding whether to let go and let her fall to her demise or pull her up to survival.

 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true in that case. The whole thing has always been foreign to me because I am so independent in every way.

 

Anyway, he said something about how it would be best for her if he wasn't around because if he were dead, she would be financially secure and could hire people to do things she needed done, and he said it would be best for him too because he could stop being miserable.

 

I haven't responded. What do you say to that.

 

Don't respond. He isn't gonna kill himself, he's just venting and manipulating you to feel sorry for him.

[beach]

His emails sounds like a little girl. All fluffy and full of drama. Icky!

[WakingUp]

Hope, don't let the email drag you back in.

 

 

He is getting more and more desperate for your attention, that's all.

 

 

DO NOT respond. If you do, you will just find yourself dragged into the same old mess. Nothing changes. If it was going to, it would have happened by now. Its just drama and negativity. Don't buy into it.

 

 

Stay strong girl. There are better times ahead.

 

 

Last night I went to sleep imagining myself opening up to and embracing a more positive future. And closing the door on the past. We need to do that.

 

 

Put yourself first. It is not your responsibility to save him from himself.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks everyone. No worries - I know he isn't going to kill himself and I had no intention of replying.

 

Nice to see your reply WWIU - I figured you had given up on me.

[The Way I Am]

Just read through this thread. Hope Shimmers, my heart goes out to you. By this thread alone, I can tell that you're too good for him.

 

It was a wise choice not to reply. Just keep telling yourself that while he's married, there's nothing you have to say to him and nothing he says means anything to you. If he loved you the way you deserve to be loved, he'd respect your wishes no matter how hard it was for him to deal with, especially after all he's made you deal with.

 

Stay strong.

[lovinDKT3]

Thanks everyone. No worries - I know he isn't going to kill himself and I had no intention of replying.

 

Nice to see your reply WWIU - I figured you had given up on me.

 

Hello Hope.

 

DKT and I were talking about you the other day, he was saying how much he liked and respected you. So being the semi jealous woman (joking, a little) I had know your story.

 

After reading many of your post, I can see why he has connected. Your somewhat the female version of him.

 

As far as MoM, it seems is his more interested in knowing that your still into him. Feels like emotional manipulation in its purist form. Your a strong woman, many others would have totally fallen apart in your situation.

 

Yet every time he contacts you its a step backwards. Its time to block him on all forms of cummunication. I believe you can do it, no I know you can do it. Cut the rope and move forward, as long as the rope is there he can pull you back in.

[Hope Shimmers]

Just read through this thread. Hope Shimmers, my heart goes out to you. By this thread alone, I can tell that you're too good for him.

 

It was a wise choice not to reply. Just keep telling yourself that while he's married, there's nothing you have to say to him and nothing he says means anything to you. If he loved you the way you deserve to be loved, he'd respect your wishes no matter how hard it was for him to deal with, especially after all he's made you deal with.

 

Stay strong.

 

Thank you so much.

 

I am really past the desire to be in contact with him. As well I should be, after all these years.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone. No worries - I know he isn't going to kill himself and I had no intention of replying.

 

Nice to see your reply WWIU - I figured you had given up on me.

 

Nope! Not given up on you, don't worry! Just not been online much since (finally) the nice warm weather has arrived.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hello Hope.

 

DKT and I were talking about you the other day, he was saying how much he liked and respected you. So being the semi jealous woman (joking, a little) I had know your story.

 

After reading many of your post, I can see why he has connected. Your somewhat the female version of him.

 

As far as MoM, it seems is his more interested in knowing that your still into him. Feels like emotional manipulation in its purist form. Your a strong woman, many others would have totally fallen apart in your situation.

 

Yet every time he contacts you its a step backwards. Its time to block him on all forms of cummunication. I believe you can do it, no I know you can do it. Cut the rope and move forward, as long as the rope is there he can pull you back in.

 

Hi lovin, thank you for your post!

 

DKT3 and I rubbed each other the wrong way initially, but we resolved it. It was mostly me. I respect his position very much and I have really come to like him.

 

I think that you and he will do great at reconciliation and I can tell from both of your posts how much that means to both of you. I am cheering for you!

 

As for my situation, I can't block ex-MM at all avenues but it really doesn't matter anymore. It took me way too long but I really just don't care at this point. In a way that is sad, but it's a good place for me to be.

[BrokenPrincess]

I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I guess I am in the weaker gullible OW camp because that email did make me feel kind of bad for him. Not break NC bad but bad to hear that someone's is THAT miserable & trapped feeling. I think you've said before it's a mix if some medical & mental issues too that contribute to her dependency on him but I'm sure there's plenty of other people who figure it out, either through hired help, family, friends, or government assistance. When there's a will, there's a way, right?

 

Whatever happened to the guy who suddenly proposed??

[Hope Shimmers]

I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I guess I am in the weaker gullible OW camp because that email did make me feel kind of bad for him. Not break NC bad but bad to hear that someone's is THAT miserable & trapped feeling. I think you've said before it's a mix if some medical & mental issues too that contribute to her dependency on him but I'm sure there's plenty of other people who figure it out, either through hired help, family, friends, or government assistance. When there's a will, there's a way, right?

 

Whatever happened to the guy who suddenly proposed??

 

Thank you BP. You have a good memory - yes, it's a mix of medical issues for her, but mostly just dependence in general.

 

As for the man I was dating who proposed, I told him that it was too soon (no question about it) and he reacted by moving on. He was very upset and doesn't talk to me now. Guess I made the right decision! I may never understand men.

[DKT3]

Thank you BP. You have a good memory - yes, it's a mix of medical issues for her, but mostly just dependence in general.

 

As for the man I was dating who proposed, I told him that it was too soon (no question about it) and he reacted by moving on. He was very upset and doesn't talk to me now. Guess I made the right decision! I may never understand men.

 

Hope, we men are really simple. If we want a woman we go get her, or at least try. If we love her we don't hurt her, if we happen to do something stupid(it happens a lot) we do are best to make it up. If she does something to hurt us we attempt to understand.

 

If those things are missing then he isn't a man worth your time. Doing the same things or showing the same actions that we know caused pain isn't love, its abuse. How the two can be mistaken are beyond my knowledge.