Author Hope Shimmers Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 Ohhh this just seems sooooooooo unhealthy for EVERYONE involved... Well I can tell you that everyone was MUCH more unhealthy before we arrived at this point. Including his W, who is very happy now. Isn't that the important thing? That W is happy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Yes, she does. Does she like it? Probably not. NO JUDGEMENT intended. Just curious. Does the man you are seeing/dating now know of your past and current connection to MM? Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Well I can tell you that everyone was MUCH more unhealthy before we arrived at this point. Including his W, who is very happy now. Isn't that the important thing? That W is happy? What happens when she wants him to cut all contact with you? You're going to get hurt all over again. Unless they decide they're in an open marriage, in which case..I suppose it's ok. Although you can do so much better than to be someone's secondary girlfriend. EDIT: I missed the part where you're dating someone else. How does he feel about the situation? Is he ok that you're still in contact with your married ex boyfriend and that he sends you gifts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 NO JUDGEMENT intended. Just curious. Does the man you are seeing/dating now know of your past and current connection to MM? EDIT: I missed the part where you're dating someone else. How does he feel about the situation? Is he ok that you're still in contact with your married ex boyfriend and that he sends you gifts? We are dating; we aren't in a committed relationship. So if he were to start telling me who I can and can't communicate with, his a** would be grass. Seriously... I've had enough with controlling relationships. I will trust someone and vice versa, and that will either be good enough, or it won't. Having said that, yes to some extent he knows. I also know that he still communicates with his ex and with other female friends. I have always had male friends, both married and single, and have never had a single issue with platonic friendship. I know some people think that married people should not be friends with people of the opposite gender other than their spouse. I happen to think that's ridiculous - I also think it's probably counter-productive because when you try to restrict people's behavior, that is when they want what they are being restricted from and then sneaky behavior starts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 What happens when she wants him to cut all contact with you? You're going to get hurt all over again. Unless they decide they're in an open marriage, in which case..I suppose it's ok. Although you can do so much better than to be someone's secondary girlfriend. I'm not anyone's secondary girlfriend. (Or anyone's primary girlfriend, for that matter). I'm not going to get hurt all over again if we stop communicating. We don't have the emotional connection that we did before. Not sure why they would have to be in an open marriage for that to be okay. She has already said she wants him to cut contact with me, and that was the one thing he did not bend on. He gave up everything else that made him happy - including me - for her and at her demand, and he put his foot down at that. We both absolutely know that we will never cross physical or emotional lines again. She has absolutely nothing to worry about. She got exactly what she wanted - she should be thrilled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 We are dating; we aren't in a committed relationship. So if he were to start telling me who I can and can't communicate with, his a** would be grass. Seriously... I've had enough with controlling relationships. I will trust someone and vice versa, and that will either be good enough, or it won't. Having said that, yes to some extent he knows. I also know that he still communicates with his ex and with other female friends. I have always had male friends, both married and single, and have never had a single issue with platonic friendship. I know some people think that married people should not be friends with people of the opposite gender other than their spouse. I happen to think that's ridiculous - I also think it's probably counter-productive because when you try to restrict people's behavior, that is when they want what they are being restricted from and then sneaky behavior starts. Thanks. I was just curious to know if you were candid with people you date in saying you had a relationship with a MM and were still in touch. That is very honest of you. It is up to the person you date to take it or leave it, but not control it. Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 I cannot understand a BS that insists of NC with a woman that he loves and actually expects it to happen. I also expect to be deleted for stating the obvious.:bunny: happens all the time. Personally, my boundary would be NC. If he loves her, he can go move in with her. If he loves me, she's gone for good. It's easier to understand in that context. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 I'm not anyone's secondary girlfriend. (Or anyone's primary girlfriend, for that matter). I'm not going to get hurt all over again if we stop communicating. We don't have the emotional connection that we did before. Not sure why they would have to be in an open marriage for that to be okay. She has already said she wants him to cut contact with me, and that was the one thing he did not bend on. He gave up everything else that made him happy - including me - for her and at her demand, and he put his foot down at that. We both absolutely know that we will never cross physical or emotional lines again. She has absolutely nothing to worry about. She got exactly what she wanted - she should be thrilled. Why do you dislike her so much? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 Personally, my boundary would be NC. If he loves her, he can go move in with her. If he loves me, she's gone for good. It's easier to understand in that context. Exactly- NC was his choice-he could talk and be with our OW all he wanted after Dday- I was not about to stop him however, if he wanted to be with me that means he could not longer be part of her life- pretty simple-his choice- no threats- door wide open for him to walk through and did he did not want to- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 Just curious. Not too much conversation about how your BS husbands or partners feels about your continued contact with the AP on any terms or is that more lying and deceiving still going on? If you are now either single or divorced the. Your conscience can guide you but if your BS has accepted you back and has forgiven you what is your plan for when he finds out you are still betraying his trust and lying or deceiving Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 Why do you dislike her so much? Read my post again, Kali. These are facts. Where do you discern that I dislike her at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 Just curious. Not too much conversation about how your BS husbands or partners feels about your continued contact with the AP on any terms or is that more lying and deceiving still going on? If you are now either single or divorced the. Your conscience can guide you but if your BS has accepted you back and has forgiven you what is your plan for when he finds out you are still betraying his trust and lying or deceiving I am single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) Why do you dislike her so much? Honestly - why do you find it necessary to jump to conclusions and judgement of me, based on nothing that you know? Edited April 13, 2014 by Hope Shimmers Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 Thanks everyone for the replies! It has been an amazing feeling this past year and in this new year not to think about contact with him, and not to care to return it despite when he initiates it. It has been a LOOOOOOONG road, as many of you know who have been supportive to me throughout it, but I finally feel free and happy, and like myself again! A sincere thank you to all of you who have been supportive.... The low contact is something that I can take or leave at this point, but I like that he thinks to send things to me, etc., not romantic things but those that we both appreciate due to common interests/hobbies. When we were together I always liked the fact that he didn't celebrate holidays (including birthdays) and when I asked him about that - he always said that when a gift is given, it is given at the time that the person wants to give it, to the person they want to, and because they want to. No artificial holidays/obligations/etc. I have come to appreciate that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 Thanks. I was just curious to know if you were candid with people you date in saying you had a relationship with a MM and were still in touch. That is very honest of you. It is up to the person you date to take it or leave it, but not control it. Thank you I don't see it as a big deal until things get serious. I actually am friends with most of my ex-boyfriends and my ex-fiance of many years (nothing close). Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 Honestly - why do you find it necessary to jump to conclusions and judgement of me, based on nothing that you know? I wasn't judging you..I asked a question because the tone of your post made it sound like you were disdainful towards her. "He gave up everything else that made him happy" To me that sounds like you're implying that she does not make him happy. "She got exactly what she wanted". No she didn't. She very understandably wanted her husband to stop talking to you. It can't feel good for her that you two are still in contact. It probably feels like a giant slap in the face to her that he is still attached to you..like the two of you are rubbing her nose in your previous relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 It wouldn't let me finish writing my post, but I wanted to add that I'm not blaming you, as it seems like he is the one who keeps contacting you. I just don't see why you would have any reason to be angry at her as she didn't do anything to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I just sent an email to ex-MM and told him we can't be friends anymore, that I need the contact to end. I knew it needed to happen over the last few days because he calls me two or three times a day and tells me stories about work, etc (his new job) that he should be telling his W. I know he won't ever tell his W these stories. But he won't ever tell me them again either. I can't. I almost posted this thread last night, but I needed to give it another night's worth of thought and I was fortunate to hear from some others tonight whose opinion I value. It is hard. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Hope, Im so sorry. You are stronger than you know. You have already survived things that would cripple a weaker person. just like getting further away from a planet, the pull gets weaker until eventually you are free. just keep moving and letting go. it gets easier in time, you already know that. know that the strength you have will stand. Sending positive energy your way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) I'm going through something similar (see my thread) so I know how you are feeling. At least he didn't tell you and I quote " some people just can't handle the truth" Yeah..it sucks. TT Edited May 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Devastated1969 Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I just sent an email to ex-MM and told him we can't be friends anymore, that I need the contact to end. I knew it needed to happen over the last few days because he calls me two or three times a day and tells me stories about work, etc (his new job) that he should be telling his W. I know he won't ever tell his W these stories. But he won't ever tell me them again either. I can't. I almost posted this thread last night, but I needed to give it another night's worth of thought and I was fortunate to hear from some others tonight whose opinion I value. It is hard. Sorry. Good for you hs, you've been on a huge journey and pleased you have finally reached this decision. Hugs and best wishes xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Partlys4int Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Humanity is rotten. Keep that in mind. You've made the right choice. It's the best you can do to maintain your mental health. He's the done who's got to reflect about his life and what he wants to do with it. If not, he's a coward and you have an extra validation for your choice. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
PachucaSunrise Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I'm sorry, Hope. I know this is anything but easy, but I really do think you'll be doing yourself a HUGE favor in the long run. I hope you'll keep that in mind as the days pass and you become stronger. And you WILL. Take it day by day, hour by hour, or even minute to minute - whatever you need to do. Remember, you're doing this for YOU. You owe it to yourself. And I must say, you really have a set of b@lls for sending that email. I'm proud of you! And you should certainly be proud of yourself! Definitely keep us posted and come here whenever you feel the 'urge'. I'll most definitely be around to listen. And most importantly, please be good to yourself. Hugs and good vibes sent your way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LearningToMoveOn Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you Hope, after all of this time and after all of your history together. I don't know that I would have ever found that much strength. I think this is really the only way for you to truly heal though, to fully move on. You've come so far and this is the last leg of the journey. I know how devastating it is to lose your best friend though and I am truly sorry. Big hugs to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Hope Shimmers," It is hard. Sorry." It was hard for me to go no contact too, and if you have triggers , (working in the same field), it compounds the level of difficulty. Time, truly is the only thing that I can prescribe for relief. Oh and a hug to encourage you to carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
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