When did preferences become judgments?

[OldNavy]

When it comes from a man who has high numbers himself, then he is shaming; pushing that double standard.

How about if a 27 year-old man has only been with 3 women in his life (all of them being relationships) and simply never found that in a woman?

All my 3 gf already had a higher count. I never asked but two of them gave out some information as the relationship proceeded (one of them ended up cheating on me) and the last one I could just tell by the way she carried herself and well overheard a conversation she had with a friend.

 

Reason I don't care is because there isn't too many options for men anyways. I just don't want to be alone. But still many of us on the inside don't want the former party girl to be the wife and mother of our future kids. I'm not the male version of that either.

[Anela]

How about if a 27 year-old man has only been with 3 women in his life (all of them being relationships) and simply never found that in a woman?

All my 3 gf already had a higher count. I never asked but two of them gave out some information as the relationship proceeded (one of them ended up cheating on me) and the last one I could just tell by the way she carried herself and well overheard a conversation she had with a friend.

 

Reason I don't care is because there isn't too many options for men anyways. I just don't want to be alone. But still many of us on the inside don't want the former party girl to be the wife and mother of our future kids. I'm not the male version of that either.

 

I think it depends on the individual. I don't think that a partying past should exclude someone from being seen as a wife and a mother. I've known more than one who are excellent mothers, as well as great wives.

[OldNavy]

I think it depends on the individual. I don't think that a partying past should exclude someone from being seen as a wife and a mother. I've known more than one who are excellent mothers, as well as great wives.

True but it's like those are the only women available nowadays, esp within my age range. Unlike men, there are many of us not into partying nor the hooking up lifestyle.

 

At this point, I simply don't have many options. I have to take advantage of what's out there, even if all of them have a partying past. I just assume they all have a high past and never ask, then just go on from there.

[jay1983]

lmao no I really don't.

 

I would never want to be with a man who thinks I'm a slut. Why would I want any of those men to accept me with the highish number of partners?

 

 

Here's an idea, don't tell him.

[gaius]

I don't get to sit and look pretty, or just walk into a room and make men swoon, unfortunately. It's amazing how many men will make fools out of themselves, over a beautiful woman.

You looked hot in the one picture I saw of you.

 

I think joystick isn't here anymore since his title went back to member, so the whole question might be moot. But I do think it's funny when women are shamed if they haven't dated a black guy or other minority or if they're black and they date white guys. Seems like the PC brigade has creeped into dating as well.

[William]

The thread starter is on vacation and please do continue discussing this topic. Thanks!

[joystickd]

I think it depends on the individual. I don't think that a partying past should exclude someone from being seen as a wife and a mother. I've known more than one who are excellent mothers, as well as great wives.

You might not think it but some do. That is a person's preference.

[joystickd]

When it comes from a man who has high numbers himself, then he is shaming; pushing that double standard.

 

I have felt judged when I've been rejected at times, especially when it came from guys who knew me and liked me/felt attracted to me, but I wasn't good enough in some way to pass muster. And I'm not the only woman around to be rejected for the prettier (and now, younger) woman.

 

I've never turned down a man because of his height; I liked a boy in school, who was shorter than me, because he was smart, kind, and he made me laugh.

Honestly men and women have different views on casual sex and friendship. A man that wants a relationship may not want a woman with high numbers, but in the casual sense they may. It all boils down to the individual. It's not shaming if that is their preference. It's says a lot when a woman focuses on shame. If one man doesn't want you then others will. Why stress what one thinks about you?

[atlg8r]

It does until you reject a woman because of her sexual past or as the LS women call it slut shaming. Why get mad at a man's preference then say he is shaming the woman? Makes no damn sense. Preferences with them are cool until they get rejected.

 

I wouldn't date anyone who was asking me to list my sexual history before we were even planning to get sexually involved.

 

My fiance and I have never had the discussion nor do we need to. Neither of us has any health issues (STDs or otherwise), and so frankly I don't need or want to know how many women he may have been with in the past. I know the type of man he is now - loyal, honest, trustworthy, loving and kind.

 

If you are going to judge a woman for how many sexual partners she's had, it better be way more than you have had. Otherwise, it is a ridiculous hypocritical judgment.

 

I just don't see why people need to go into that level of detail if they find the person of a character good enough that they'd date them to begin with.

 

Now, if you're out with a woman and she tries to jump you the first night, then you may be justified in asking because her behavior concerns you. Otherwise, I just don't see the point.

[joystickd]

I wouldn't date anyone who was asking me to list my sexual history before we were even planning to get sexually involved.

 

My fiance and I have never had the discussion nor do we need to. Neither of us has any health issues (STDs or otherwise), and so frankly I don't need or want to know how many women he may have been with in the past. I know the type of man he is now - loyal, honest, trustworthy, loving and kind.

 

If you are going to judge a woman for how many sexual partners she's had, it better be way more than you have had. Otherwise, it is a ridiculous hypocritical judgment.

 

I just don't see why people need to go into that level of detail if they find the person of a character good enough that they'd date them to begin with.

 

Now, if you're out with a woman and she tries to jump you the first night, then you may be justified in asking because her behavior concerns you. Otherwise, I just don't see the point.

You may not see it but to that person their is a reason they are looking for it. They may not be asking for an itemized list of sexual partners. It's just simple as in my past I was promiscuous and leave it at that. I'm for people being honest with themselves and others. If you feel the need to omit something then that says more about you than them. It's you that feels shame for your actions. Women know about me being a virgin until 25 and my drug dealing past and the fact that people were trying to kill me. I want her to have all the facts to make an informed decision on whether she wants to be in a relationship with me. I offer and expect the same in return.

 

Would you take a life changing procedure to save your life without knowing all the facts? Relationships have the potential to be life changing.

 

 

The other thing is everyone has a right to like and want what they want. You have men now like I'm nice so you have to like me or women I did gangbangs or whatever sexual acts and you have to like me. Even take in to account other attributes like age, height, race, etc. People with these things well some people get offended when they get rejected. It's life and find someone willing to accept you for you. That person is out there so quit complaining about the people that "judge" you.

[atlg8r]

The number doesn't make a difference. If and when you decide to become sexually active with someone, it is reasonable to request an STD test to ensure your health and safety. It's different if you have a criminal background. That can come up in job searches, credit applications or all sorts of things, not to mention if you still associate with any of those people or have people that could still come after you or her.

 

Knowing a number or specific experiences of a woman doesn't change anything. The only thing you really need to know is what she is like today and if she has any health issues that could impact you or your children. If you just ask generally and both state you were promiscuous, then that's one thing. But I feel like if a woman answered in the same way you did, that you would hypocritically judge her.

[joystickd]

But I feel like if a woman answered in the same way you did, that you would hypocritically judge her.

For men the women you would have casual flings with are different than the woman you would want to be in a relationship with. For some relationship women means women that are not promiscuous. It may be hypocritical to you but to them it's what they want. A lot of things we do as humans can be seen a hypocritical example a woman that hates porn because of depiction of rough sex with women but they love rough sex in real life. Humans have desires that differ from themselves and what they expect in others.

 

Then the other thing in dating people want better in a partner. The "player" doesn't want a female version of himself or any other type of person considered undesirable or even certain desirable qualities doesn't want an opposite sex version of themselves. They have a certain insight into what they put people through and dont want to go through it.

 

I don't "judge" as you would say it. I lost my virginity to a woman known as the walmart whore. I actually wanted a relationship with her at that time. she was someone that wanted better. She really didn't want a male version of herself. I was naive and knew next to nothing about women. It was good for her and bad for me, but that is a whole other story.

[atlg8r]

It's hypocritical no matter how you try to rationalize it in your head. What should matter to you is the woman's character. Some people make poor choices for a variety of reasons. If a woman has learned from that (maybe made bad decisions in high school or college) and has strong character now, that should be what matters. Experiences make us who we are.

 

My fiance has a shady past - no actual criminal record, but he did things he is not proud of. But it made him who he is, and the fact that he turned away from those things, went into the military and made something of himself shows me his true character.

 

Judging a woman because she perhaps had poor self-esteem or bad models as a young person and thus made some bad choices is ridiculous, particularly if you've slept with as many or more people than she has.

 

If she has continued that same behavior, then I would think you have a logical point. But if she makes good decisions now and in the recent past that show she has learned and matured, it's extremely hypocritical of you to hold that against her, particularly if the rest of her character is strong.

 

In your late 20s or early 30s, good luck finding a woman who doesn't have some kind of sexual history.

[atlg8r]

Further, I think that men who have issues with a woman who isn't "chaste" have some of their own deeply seeded psychological issues. Like you need to be the only one who has "had" her.....would indicate to me that you're at best ridiculously possessive and at worst borderline psycho.

[joystickd]

Further, I think that men who have issues with a woman who isn't "chaste" have some of their own deeply seeded psychological issues. Like you need to be the only one who has "had" her.....would indicate to me that you're at best ridiculously possessive and at worst borderline psycho.

 

Those guys arent expecting virgins but they dont want a vagina with an open door policy either. Its different for every man. Funny thing is I had more respect for the woman i lost my virginity to because she was honest and was like this is me stay or go its your choice

[Iguanna]

It's hypocritical no matter how you try to rationalize it in your head. What should matter to you is the woman's character.

 

Isn't sexual behavior a sign of her character?

[atlg8r]

Isn't sexual behavior a sign of her character?

 

If you used proper context, you would understand what I was saying. If you are dating a woman who is STILL sleeping around and jumping your bones the first date, then you have a rational concern. If, though, she made poor choices in her 20s, and now at 30 or 32 she does not, learned from her experience and doesn't have STDs, you shouldn't hold it against her.

 

The only way I see it as a "preference" and not a "judgment" is if you yourself are a virgin, and it's important to you to wait until marriage. That is something you have chosen for yourself and you can reasonably expect in your partner.

 

Otherwise, you're just being a judgmental hypocrite and I stand by my previous assessments.

[GoreSP]

Those guys arent expecting virgins but they dont want a vagina with an open door policy either. Its different for every man. Funny thing is I had more respect for the woman i lost my virginity to because she was honest and was like this is me stay or go its your choice

 

Ok so your real issue is with women who lie about their sexual past in order to make it seem more 'acceptable'?

[GoreSP]

Isn't sexual behavior a sign of her character?

 

Kind of but the thing is whatever it 'signifies' is different from one person to another...

As opposed to a serial killer - this is bad behaviour on everyone's point of view.

 

Having sex isn't...

[dragon_fly_7]

I still think it's hypocritical for men with high promiscuous past to be expecting a woman who only had 1-3 long-term relationships. That's not preference but pure judgment and that man sounds like a controlling man.

 

Sexual behaviors isn't a manly nor feminine trait; it really has no gender and to think that being promiscuous is suppose to be a manly characteristic (while expecting only either a virgin or very low numbered woman as a gf because that's how things should be while happily using women you considered easy and smack talking about them to friends and others) is purely controlling and I would say close to being considered bordering sociopathic traits.

 

Preference for example is:

1) I don't want to date a heavy smoker because I don't live that lifestyle.

2) I want want to marry a virgin woman because I'm a religious Christian virgin man, would want my first time to be special too.

3) I won't want a promicuous man because I'm a relationship minded woman only and need someone that's compatible to me in that area.

 

Preference isn't:

1) If she slept with more than 3 men, she's a sloot not worthy getting married too. Though I've slept with 30+ women and used to do drugs, if she slept with as many as I did she's damaged good, though I have no problems pumping and dumping her. Typical possessive and as mentioned possible sociopath (or narcissist) that doesn't care about a person's feelings and only wants his own gratification. Cares about nothing but himself and his own sick agenda.

Edited April 11, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[joystickd]

Ok so your real issue is with women who lie about their sexual past in order to make it seem more 'acceptable'?

My whole issue is everyone is entitled to reject or accept someone based on what they see is compatible. I have a thing about honesty. I'm honest and expect the same in return. It's not too much to ask

[dragon_fly_7]

My whole issue is everyone is entitled to reject or accept someone based on what they see is compatible. I have a thing about honesty. I'm honest and expect the same in return. It's not too much to ask

The problem is those women have probably experienced the second case scenerio I've explained and so they make up the closest fitting lie to make it sound better. This can also make the virgin or low numbered women run away from a man like that too (I would too; I don't like possessive, bias, selfish men), which can explain why they're having problems finding a ''quality'' woman when they have nothing to bring to the table themselves.

[Woggle]

The only thing I really cared about when single was that a woman never cheated. Yes I am judgmental about that but I never cheated myself so I practice what I preach. I also don't want a woman who mistreats men for her own gain or amusement and again I never treated women that way.

[joystickd]

The problem is those women have probably experienced the second case scenerio I've explained and so they make up the closest fitting lie to make it sound better. This can also make the virgin or low numbered women run away from a man like that too (I would too; I don't like possessive, bias, selfish men), which can explain why they're having problems finding a ''quality'' woman when they have nothing to bring to the table themselves.

Lying is not respecting the game. When you respect the game you reap the rewards. When you disrespect it the game teaches you to respect it.

[atlg8r]

My whole issue is everyone is entitled to reject or accept someone based on what they see is compatible. I have a thing about honesty. I'm honest and expect the same in return. It's not too much to ask

 

Your OP was more stating you didn't want a woman with a high number of sexual partners. If you are honest and expect honesty in return, that is reasonable.