teenage daughter discovered affair

[No Limit]

No offense OP but judging from your tone in your posts, this wasn't your last affair. I'd just love to give that husband a hug right now, I have no clue how he puts up with it. There are folks who commit suicide because of such a high-degree betrayal and he forgives yet again.

 

Either he's already dead inside or the strongest human being I've ever heard of.

[thummper]

So, Perfect, whatcha gonna do?

[2sunny]

Since you were not motivated to work on the m 10 years ago and you're not motivated to work on it now - and you haven't GIVEN love to your H the way he deserves - it's best to divorce now.

 

Doesn't matter if you end up on your own or with your MM... What matters is that you quit causing more harm to your H - a man that forgives too easily - so much so that he's lost his self respect and dignity.

 

Removing the cause of the harm from his daily life gives him a chance to heal and find his soul again.

 

Maybe even a chance at real love and respect within a relationship.

 

Your daughter may not believe your words for years. It takes that long with words and actions matching to regain a shred of believability.

[Zenstudent]

My almost 17 yr old daughter knows that I was wrong, and is very disappointed in me. I have had a heart to heart with her a few days ago, and plan to have another one to reiterate how wrong it is to cheat. She has a very strong character, and I believe she will not think this is normal behavior just because I made the mistake. What I will instead focus on is repairing our relationship, and gaining her trust and forgiveness again.

Believe it or not, we have provided her with a very solid foundation up until this point. I am proud of the mature way she is handling this disaster

I'm sorry, but this post in particular gives me the impression that you either think of infidelity as "no big deal" or that you try to minimize the effect betrayal has on people you're supposed to love and protect.

 

It sounds to me as if your husband just shakes his head and then you're good, and your daughter just need a cosy chat and then she doesn't feel betrayed anymore and can go on with her happy life. I think you either have a problem showing empathy or you are surrounded by very unusual people.

 

What do you believe about infidelity at your core? Be honest here.

[theperfectlife]

I can't decide if posting on this site is helping my personal situation, or hurting. I read the hurtful attacking posts, and swear I will not return to this site, yet here I am again.

Many of you seem to think of me as a monster, that I think cheating and betrayal is no big deal, don't think of others around me, etc.

However no one knows me, or how I am feeling. This is very far from the truth, I am not happy to have committed adultery. Something is missing from my marriage. I can even say that I believe I married the wrong man. I dated him at age 16, got married at 23. We had differences from the start, but I always thought they wouldn't matter in the future. Also, I have had no physical attraction to my husband in MANY years. This began after the birth of my 2nd daughter, who is almost 17. All females out there know that if there is no emotional connection, physical desire disappears. Unfortunately, I questioned if it was normal. This always happens in marriage. Until I met my OM who is sooo much like me. (same dreams, same interests, etc)

The truth is, I'm sick of doing things alone. I would love to be with a partner who I enjoy doing things with. This is just one other problem

Husband update: he is acting like nothing happened. He thinks because all that we have been thru the past 4 years with very difficult daughter....lead me to have affair. And he wants OM to just go away. He wants no one to know. I don't want anyone to know either, as I am not proud. Also, I am worried about daughter's feelings and what people will say. I DO have empathy. Sometimes I just want to tell him the absolute truth. BUT ..................the most difficult thing to do is to tell a husband of 22 years that you are not in love with them and have no desire for them.

[theperfectlife]

PS not looking for justification, just attempting judgmental posters to understand my side

[thummper]

Something is missing from my marriage. I can even say that I believe I married the wrong man. I have had no physical attraction to my husband in MANY years. ..................the most difficult thing to do is to tell a husband of 22 years that you are not in love with them and have no desire for them.[/QUOTE]

Then for God's sake, take pity on the poor sap and divorce him. It'll hurt him in the short run, but eventually he'll find someone out there who will actually love and cherish him and not be a wife who obviously does not love him and apparently hasn't for years. How he's put up with you all this time is a mystery. Put it down to the fact that he just may be still in love with the girl he married and won't let himself see what you've become. I feel nothing but sorrow for your whole family. Sometimes reading the threads on this site depresses me terribly.

[gettingstronger]

It seems to me that a door has been opened for you to leave your marriage. I think that with the affair that unless you are willing to remain faithful in a marriage where it seems neither of you can be honest in your feelings than maybe this is the impetus to end it. It seems the natural progression. Please do not lead your family to believe you are in it for the long run if you have found that you are in an unworkable marriage. The door is open for you to walk through. You can be honest with your kids that your marriage is not working and although you were wrong to cheat , you are now wiling to face the fact that your marriage is over.

[beach]

I can't decide if posting on this site is helping my personal situation, or hurting. I read the hurtful attacking posts, and swear I will not return to this site, yet here I am again.

Many of you seem to think of me as a monster, that I think cheating and betrayal is no big deal, don't think of others around me, etc.

However no one knows me, or how I am feeling. This is very far from the truth, I am not happy to have committed adultery. Something is missing from my marriage. I can even say that I believe I married the wrong man. I dated him at age 16, got married at 23. We had differences from the start, but I always thought they wouldn't matter in the future. Also, I have had no physical attraction to my husband in MANY years. This began after the birth of my 2nd daughter, who is almost 17. All females out there know that if there is no emotional connection, physical desire disappears. Unfortunately, I questioned if it was normal. This always happens in marriage. Until I met my OM who is sooo much like me. (same dreams, same interests, etc)

The truth is, I'm sick of doing things alone. I would love to be with a partner who I enjoy doing things with. This is just one other problem

Husband update: he is acting like nothing happened. He thinks because all that we have been thru the past 4 years with very difficult daughter....lead me to have affair. And he wants OM to just go away. He wants no one to know. I don't want anyone to know either, as I am not proud. Also, I am worried about daughter's feelings and what people will say. I DO have empathy. Sometimes I just want to tell him the absolute truth. BUT ..................the most difficult thing to do is to tell a husband of 22 years that you are not in love with them and have no desire for them.

 

No, it's NOT the MOSt at difficult thing!

 

THE most difficult was telling my husband not to come home - as I knew about his OW and the locks were changed and the marriage was over. THAT was THE worst! Why? Because I had deeply loved him for 23 years and built my life around him. We had an amazing life.

 

Being the cheater is much different than being the one who ends the M because you happened to fall in love with another man while being married.

 

What is so wrong with proper order? For Gods sake - if you want to cheat end the marriage because breaking everyone's heart.

[Bootsie]

I can't decide if posting on this site is helping my personal situation, or hurting. I read the hurtful attacking posts, and swear I will not return to this site, yet here I am again.

Many of you seem to think of me as a monster, that I think cheating and betrayal is no big deal, don't think of others around me, etc.

However no one knows me, or how I am feeling. This is very far from the truth, I am not happy to have committed adultery. Something is missing from my marriage. I can even say that I believe I married the wrong man. I dated him at age 16, got married at 23. We had differences from the start, but I always thought they wouldn't matter in the future. Also, I have had no physical attraction to my husband in MANY years. This began after the birth of my 2nd daughter, who is almost 17. All females out there know that if there is no emotional connection, physical desire disappears. Unfortunately, I questioned if it was normal. This always happens in marriage. Until I met my OM who is sooo much like me. (same dreams, same interests, etc)

The truth is, I'm sick of doing things alone. I would love to be with a partner who I enjoy doing things with. This is just one other problem

Husband update: he is acting like nothing happened. He thinks because all that we have been thru the past 4 years with very difficult daughter....lead me to have affair. And he wants OM to just go away. He wants no one to know. I don't want anyone to know either, as I am not proud. Also, I am worried about daughter's feelings and what people will say. I DO have empathy. Sometimes I just want to tell him the absolute truth. BUT ..................the most difficult thing to do is to tell a husband of 22 years that you are not in love with them and have no desire for them.

 

 

I think even the most judgmental of posters is capable of understanding this. Many of us are BS's and our own WSs used similar reasoning.

 

 

Being in a bad marriage for one reason or another (eg got married young, no longer attracted to spouse, married the wrong person from the get-go, something missing etc etc) is very typically given as a reason for an affair. The problem is that the 2 married people were in the same marriage, the same supposedly bad/wrong, or no longer right, marriage if you prefer, yet only the WS cheated.

 

 

I guess the real question for you to ask yourself is why you considered the solution to your problems was to cheat, thus devastating your spouse and children. If this improved anything it was only for you, and at enormous cost to your family.

 

 

Anyway I echo what a lot of posters have said, if you don't love your husband the way you should, and there's no prospect of rekindling it then really you should part. In my view, if you try to stay together without properly reconciling in all areas of your marital life then you'll just be susceptible to more of the same.

[anne1707]

please tell us about your consumption of liquor or any other stimulant including cigarettes!

 

How on earth is something like smoking relevant to this thread?

[Artie Lang]

BUT ..................the most difficult thing to do is to tell a husband of 22 years that you are not in love with them and have no desire for them.

 

in my opinion, it would've been better than cheating on said person.

 

 

i will never understand the rationalization that cheating someone is much easier than just being honest with them.

[DKT3]

The problem I have is you were unfaithful right from the start. When you claimed to have been in love. So clearly being "IN LOVE" isn't the magic cure for your cheating.

 

In your situation the man is irrelevant, your not happy with who you are so you will never be happy with any man long term. You will always find a way to make your unhappiness his fault no matter if its your husband or one of your many lovers or whatever unlucky guy that come in contact with you next.

 

I don't think your a monster or even a bad person. I believe your simply unhappy and don't know how to fix it. I promise this much, you won't find your happiness between the legs of ANY man.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Perfect,

 

I wholeheartedly accept the fact that you are not happy in this marriage and I have no idea if it can or should be saved. However, I know that all good relationships have to have honesty and none of your relationships are based on honesty. You marriage is a series of rug sweeping events on both sides to keep from having to confront the issues. This has led to a very long and painful decent to the relationship.

 

The relationships with the other men aren't based on honesty either. If you can't look your friends and family in the face and tell them the truth, then you know there is no honestly there. I am pretty sure that your POSOM was not completely honest with you either, as his main focus was to get in your knickers.

 

Many people become unhappy with there relationships. Some seek counseling, some leave the relationship and divorce. You chose to have an affair instead. While it may have given you moments of pleasure, it sure has not brought happiness to your life or you would not be here. Your husband has chosen to ignore the affair as he wants the fantasy of the relationship he thinks you two have, instead of the actual relationship.

 

You are correct that it is tough to lay out your entire relationship in a few paragraphs and none of us know them as well as you do. Still I think there are things to be learned on here, even posts that are harsh. You need to start by being honest with yourself. You need to decide if you want to save your marriage or terminate the relationship. Either way you have to confront your husband, he may not like what you have to say, but at least then he will know the truth and the truth will set both of you free.

[2sunny]

I understand you're not happy in the marriage - so get divorced. That would be turning things around. Your h will have a chance at love - and possibly some to respect and honor him.

 

You can be on your own to work through what makes you unhappy. Then decide what is next for you.

 

First things first.

[A.Moscote]

Perfectlife, your last sentence summed up what should be your immediate objective i.e. to convey all that is in your heart, and what you've lamented here, thoroughly and clearly to your husband.

 

Build up your courage, plan your words, and be sincere and polite. You will make it. Until you do that just disregard everything else, any hope, any love, indebtedness, pity, or self image lest they will distract you from delivering the truth.

 

You've been living a wrecked marriage (no physical attraction, differences, loneliness) for so long, now it really is the time to plot your way forward. You've chosen an affair, but that is not a real way out and it's unjust and dishonest. That was a mistake. Now choose the honest and righteous way.

 

Good luck in any decision you make. We'll support you, even though some of us in quite a scathing style. In the meantime cheer up a little bit.

[Spectre]

The absolute best thing you can do for your husband now is to divorce him. If you truly care for him, divorce him.

[theperfectlife]

I am soooo depressed, down. My teenage daughter may never forgive me I am afraid. Just took her to the mall, made the mistake of bringing up the affair. I wanted to tell her I made a very bad decision, and of course wanting her to still love me. She is very angry. She knows this was 2nd time. 10 years ago, and now again. She wants me to not string her dad along if no hope. I tried to explain I am giving time to hope to reconcile. I am praying my feelings will change with NC. Things will become crystal clear?????????? Shes convinced Im waiting for OMs decision. Don't know what to do. I DO love her dad so much, just not in love with him anymore. I am feeling hopeless, no one will ever understand. She wants me to pay consequences, tell my family. I chose not to tell my parents because they are in their 80's and cant handle the stress. They have been thru soooo much in their life. Should I tell them of my infidelity? It seems that this will help my daughter. SHe thinks I am trying to get away scott free, but in reality didn't want them to know unless my M is irreparable

help

[theperfectlife]

My daughter means more to me than you'll ever know. I made big mistake, screwed up royally. That doesn't mean I don't love my 2 daughters. Just saying

[MuddyFootprints]

Your marriage is repairable if you want to repair it. Your daughter seems to be astutely aware of this. And she is right. Don't string your husband along if you do not want to put the effort that will be required to reconcile with your family.

 

You can tell your parents as a couple reconciling or as a couple divorcing. I know you love your husband. The 'in love' feeling you believe you are missing is recoverable. It will just be a little different and more mature.

Edited April 5, 2014 by MuddyFootprints

[stillafool]

OP your daughter is completely right. I don't see how your marriage is recoverable when you haven't felt anything for him for 13 years, 2 affairs, etc. You seem to only be staying with him because it is comfortable for you. There are women out there who can make your husband happy. Let him go. Your parents may be 80 but they have heard more and seen more than you have in their lifetime and certainly can handle your truth. Do the right thing and woman up and give this man a divorce.

[frogss29]

I am soooo depressed, down. My teenage daughter may never forgive me I am afraid. Just took her to the mall, made the mistake of bringing up the affair. I wanted to tell her I made a very bad decision, and of course wanting her to still love me. She is very angry. She knows this was 2nd time. 10 years ago, and now again. She wants me to not string her dad along if no hope. I tried to explain I am giving time to hope to reconcile. I am praying my feelings will change with NC. Things will become crystal clear?????????? Shes convinced Im waiting for OMs decision. Don't know what to do. I DO love her dad so much, just not in love with him anymore. I am feeling hopeless, no one will ever understand. She wants me to pay consequences, tell my family. I chose not to tell my parents because they are in their 80's and cant handle the stress. They have been thru soooo much in their life. Should I tell them of my infidelity? It seems that this will help my daughter. SHe thinks I am trying to get away scott free, but in reality didn't want them to know unless my M is irreparable

help

 

Only you know how you really feel.

I am in your husbands shoes and let me tell you, his is the hardest path!

I can't remember how long you have been married.......but, being 'in love' after 10 or so years is pretty difficult. LOVING someone is different.

Your daughter needs you to have consequences. She sees her father suffering and she is trying to take charge and make you pay....this is what my daughter did.

My advice? Prove you love your family.

Work it out, once and for all.

Stop expecting everyone else to pay for your fun.

Start thinking of the pain YOU have inflicted on your daughters and your husband.

Be an adult.

[Spectre]

My daughter means more to me than you'll ever know. I made big mistake, screwed up royally. That doesn't mean I don't love my 2 daughters. Just saying

 

I'm sure you do love them, it's just the problem is you don't love their father. You betrayed their father pretty badly, I hate to tell you this, but they are probably going to side with him over you on pretty much...every issue from now on. It's an ugly, unfortunate truth to the situation. They will see you as the one who tore this family asunder, for something as silly as sex.

 

Think of it from the perspective of your kids: if you can't muster up any respect for the man you vowed never to betray, what respect can you have for them? For the life you had?

 

I think you love your kids, I just think you loved yourself even more and it backfired. It sucks to say, but you will probably be doing damage control over this for the rest of your life.

Edited April 6, 2014 by Spectre

[frogss29]

Bottom line is you did the wrong thing and have been found out.

Unfortunately, your kids know.

But they love you.

Work out what you want the rest of your life to be ......... and act on it.

You have a right to be happy.

Just stop sitting on the fence.

Decide and live with the consequences.

[AlwaysGrowing]

TPL:

 

You have posted that you are indeed just waiting to leave, your daughter is very perceptive and has this figured out already. The more you say one thing and then do/say another the deeper any negative views/opinions of you, your daughter will have.

 

Too often, WS and even AP disregard the negative impact on the children. They falsely believe that they are doing nothing to the children. The breakdown of ones family is difficult...add infidelity...and it can be traumatic.

 

I am sure it was painful to have your daughter call you out. It is one thing to have posters here do it...quite another for your own child. Not as easy to dismiss her. Her opinion matters to you.

 

Your daughter has asked you to treat her father honourable. Your daughter is expecting you to.

 

The choice is all yours.