teenage daughter discovered affair

[twosadthings]

If you cared what others think or felt you would not be so thoughtless or careless in the literal sense of the word. Actions have consequences but your husband has not required you to face yours so why are you even here? It can't be because of your daughter, she didn't matter before so why now?

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

 

P.S. You can't always count on a soft landing in the OM/OW forum

Edited March 29, 2014 by twosadthings
add a P.S.

[thummper]

The friends dad is my husbands best friend I have known him for 30 years, and believe he is EXTREMELY angry. (angry to the point where he also told the other man's spouse) This was crossing the line

How do you figure that? I think if anybody "crossed a line" it was YOU!

[thummper]

I can see how you would believe this, however I don't agree. I have been with my husband for 30 years, since age 16. Over the years we have grown apart, rather than grow together. I thought it was best to wait until kids in college to leave, but my affair has been discovered sooner. I do take responsibility for my actions, and maybe made a mistake by joining this forum

You're throwing away a marriage of 30 years for some kind of fantasy. And as far as you making a mistake by coming on here, what exactly did you expect people were going to say, especially ones that have suffered from unbelievably painful infidelities?

[aliveagain]

I think your husband should do what he should have done years ago and cut you loose. Your family and friends now know the truth, none of them deserve this. Get professional help than do the right thing. Get help for your daughter.

[katielee]

"The friends dad is my husbands best friend I have known him for 30 years, and believe he is EXTREMELY angry. (angry to the point where he also told the other man's spouse) This was crossing the line"

 

 

ah the fog is thick with this one...

 

he did what a good friend does. AND, he tried to stop the affair by telling the other BS.

 

What can be said for yourself?

 

by the way, I'm a former wayward wife.

[BetrayedH]

My struggle has always been.........do I leave my husband and deal with everyone (friends, family), hating me? Or not care what others think?

 

Perhaps you're asking the wrong questions. As you pointed out, this is really the third time for your husband. You have to admit that it's a trend for you when things get tough. Why is 'what others think' such a high priority for you that it's lead to 30 years of this? A more pertinent question is why you choose this particular coping mechanism. It makes almost no sense, isn't fair to your husband, hurts your family, and probably violates your own moral standards. So, why? Some people have worse marriages than you and never cheat. Why do you make that personal choice? That's a good thing to struggle with.

 

When you talk about not being 'in love,' it seems kinda disingenuous to suggest that you didn't anticipate things like, 'growing apart.' Welcome to marriage. They even mention those bad times in your vows. Couples that make it a lifetime will tell you that there were times when they didn't even like each other anymore. The beauty of marriage is when you maintain fidelity through those times. What you've been chasing is 'limerance' and you should study it up. It's very fleeting. It typically lasts 2-3 years, what some call a honeymoon period, but real llve evolves into something more akin to a deep respect with one another. If you chase limerance, you'll find that 2-3 year relationships are best for you - and will become more difficult as you age. It's an easy way to justify some poor decisions. I recommend that you start making decisions with your head, rather than your emotions.

 

I agree with the recommendation to read, Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. I also recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know.

 

As for the OM/OW forum, you'll find plenty of people engaging or recovering from wayward behaviors, much like you. If you're lamenting over your married man (MM), you'll find some good advice there about how to maintain 'no contact' (NC) with him there. There are also a lot of broken thought-processes floating around there. Be smart and avoid them. And all of us betrayed spouses are also welcome to chime in with our support, so you don't escape scrutiny. With loveshack, you take what works for you and leave the rest. This forum seems more appropriate for you. Why would you run from it? Truly, we are just a bunch of anonymous internet posters. Who cares what we think? But perhaps you might find some interesting learnings from debating with the other side. Really, you can only benefit. Where is the threat? It's just keystrokes on a keyboard. Consider it good practice. Don't be conflict-avoidant when it's perfectly safe to engage in a safe, intellectual discussion. For goodness sakes, most of the respondents have been former wayward wives (WW) themselves but are well ahead of you in this process. You may have something to learn from them. It's only a mistake if you tun from here.

 

For what it's worth, you CAN find your way out of this mess. But it requires that you start digging yourself out of the rabbit hole, rather than digging further in.

 

Good luck.

[Buckeye2]

Your husband has repeatedly forgiven you for 30 years for being with other men. In fact, that’s what first attracted you to him. You have a one way open marriage.

 

The friends dad is my husband’s best friend I have known him for 30 years, and believe he is EXTREMELY angry. (angry to the point where he also told the other man's spouse) This was crossing the line

 

This is the problem. The friend got angry and exposed your open marriage. You husband never did that and it was none of the friend’s business anyway. The friend didn’t know his place and crossed the line. Now you’re embarrassed.

 

The question seems to be if you divorce your husband now or later. The advantage of divorcing him now is to make the point that you have a bad marriage public and lessen your embarrassment.

[yellowmaverick]

For your wonderful husband's sake, I hope that you can dig deep and find enough decency inside yourself to come clean with him and let him go. Your husband deserves a wonderful wife - one who loves, honors, cherishes, and respects him. Give him a chance to find that - there are plenty of women who would love to have a wonderful mate.

 

I hope that your daughter will be okay. She will have to deal with this hurt for a very long time, but she is blessed to have decent, sensitive man as her father.

 

As for you, it sounds like you have found your other half. I think you two are perfect for each other.

[2sunny]

exactly, cant agree more. Hence this is why my decision has been so difficult. Thanks for your point of view. I am not proud of my infidelity, but believe that I can ABSOLUTELY be faithful if in love with the man I am with..

 

Your husband "forgives you" yet you don't act kind and loving to him by staying faithful to the marriage.

 

The "decision" has been made - YOU made it when you cheated.

 

Any person's character (or lack of) is based on their actions.

 

Your actions show you don't respect the marriage or your husband.

 

Divorce him. Staying and disrespecting him further for your "comfortable" lifestyle isn't a good enough reason to stay married.

 

And him - to CONTINUE "forgiving" when you keep exhibiting harm to him and the marriage is just him being a doormat.

 

Stop the harm and vicious cycle.

 

Be on your own for a long time - long enough to fix what is broken inside of you.

 

Your daughter is bound to be harmed too, from here moving forward. Mom isn't the person she THOUGHT she was.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Morals/compass/character/respect/honesty/integrity are not dependent on whether or not one is in love. They are traits that reside within. Traits have to be tested to see if one possesses them.

 

First priority should be your children.

[georgia girl]

Please - I beg you - whatever you do, take care of your daughters. I was the pre-teen daughter of a dad who cheated. Don't ignore what they are going through.

 

You can expect that they will be very angry, grossed out (sorry, it was creepy enough for them to think of their parents having sex but mom with someone else?), humiliated, scared, lost and feeling very much alone.

 

Unlike other posters, I don't care what happens for you personally - leave or stay - I care about your girls. You have literally rocked their world and they deserve and need their parents to step up, put them first and be there for them. Even when they are yelling at you that they hate you, they need you to tell them how much you love them and how sorry you are for hurting them.

[A.Moscote]

...I am not proud of my infidelity, but believe that I can ABSOLUTELY be faithful if in love with the man I am with..

 

I know this is from the earlier part of this thread, but I think this statement has a much deeper ramification than it seems.

 

The concept of "being in love" is indeed very sweet, but at the same time is so hard to figure, and thus to maintain. We all know the answer if we honestly ask ourselves what is the probability of finding someone whom we can be in love with for 24/7 for forever? It's very slim (for the most optimistic) or none (for me).

In the end it is as though stating that "I'll be absolutely faithful... for a while."

 

I'm worry that by believing in that statement, we'll be prone to subconsciously justify, or at least tolerate, an affair. It's like our mind discreetly saying "oh I'm not really in love anymore, I can't help to be a bit unjust/dishonest."

 

Hopefully you'd see some truth in my view on this, and help you act on things and avoid infidelity in the future no matter what is your road ahead after this.

 

One other thing, your husband is very forgiving, I like that. So maybe on your part, you ought to make it clear to him if you can't really commit to the M.

[2sunny]

The act of being faithful shouldn't depend at all on how you feel - or whether or not you are in love... You either are faithful or you aren't.

 

It's a character trait deeply imbedded or lacking.

[peaksandvalleys]

The friends dad is my husbands best friend I have known him for 30 years, and believe he is EXTREMELY angry. (angry to the point where he also told the other man's spouse) This was crossing the line

 

 

:eek:Why do you feel he crossed a line. If there was no affair there would be nothing for him or your daughter to discover.

[2sunny]

Since you knew you didn't love H enough - and knew you planned to cheat - why didn't you do what any self respecting gal would do - and divorce him first...then date as an available woman?

 

What stopped you from doing what was right - proper order?

[Chi townD]

Okay, lets see. You cheated on your husband while you were dating him and he took you back. You cheated on him 10 years into your marriage and he took you back. NOW! You cheated on him AGAIN quite recently and it was discovered by your daughter.

 

 

Now, your freaking out because you always had a handle on your husband. But, now it's come to light that you cheated on your daughter. You hurt her. You destroyed what she thought was a perfect family unit. You see the hurt in her eyes. The shame and embarrassment that she has. For the FIRST time ever in your marriage, you're seeing consequences to your actions and your husband can't keep a lid on what you've done. It's out there now.

 

 

Sorry, but you are a serial cheater. I hate to say it, but you've NEVER committed 100% to your marriage. So, do your husband a favor. I know he wants to work through it. But, I'd say you divorce him and you move on with your life and he's free to find someone that will love him unconditionally. The girls will probably want to stay with him until they go off and start their own lives or go off to college.

 

 

So, set him free and then your free to sleep with whomever you want guilt free. Win, win situation right?

[Lobouspo]

Divorce your husband so he can meet a woman who will appreciate him

Edited March 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial remarks redacted

[William]

LoveShack has a sticky thread at the top of this forum which describes in detail where and why threads are to be located where they are. Additionally, discussing the quality and/or appropriateness of postings is off-topic, so I've done some cleanup.

 

Now, in another similar thread, I've currently banned two members and suspended another two, so we're taking the civility and respect thing pretty seriously around here. Let's work this issue and give the thread starter the respectful help this forum advocates. Thanks!

[road]

The friends dad is my husbands best friend I have known him for 30 years, and believe he is EXTREMELY angry. (angry to the point where he also told the other man's spouse) This was crossing the line

 

 

 

No this is not crossing any line. Your BH has a truly good friend. This friend did nothing to be ashamed of. The affair participants. They are the ones to be ashamed for what they DID.

 

I can see how you would believe this, however I don't agree. I have been with my husband for 30 years, since age 16. Over the years we have grown apart, rather than grow together. I thought it was best to wait until kids in college to leave, but my affair has been discovered sooner. I do take responsibility for my actions, and maybe made a mistake by joining this forum

 

 

 

No mistake. The problem is you do not like hearing the truth. Marriage is as a garden. To flourish it has to be worked.

 

 

You have not learned anything or faced any consequences with your first affair. This is why you had a second affair.

 

 

Time you learn how to recover from an affair and restore your feelings for your BH. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Then get his other book His Needs Her Needs.

Edited March 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[BetrayedH]

Personally I doubt that the perfect life is here for our contempt but rather for our support. The question is how to control one's own thoughts. Why should she be blamed, shamed and made to feel guilty for her own thoughts.

 

How does one change a pattern of thinking? If its the organic brain that's at fault than what must she do to change and what are the limits to change before she ceases to exist. If she was to cut her arm off would she still be the same person? If she had a successful heart transplant or kidney transplant would she still be herself? If she had a successful brain transplant would she still be herself.

 

What does it mean to reprogram one's own thoughts and is ws to be blamed if those thoughts are involuntary?

 

Thoughts are not involuntary. People are quite capable of directing their thoughts and redirecting them when necessary. Further, they are certainly capable of making taking actions and making decisions that are contrary to primal thoughts. How about we stop engaging in mental gymnastics to rationalize poor behavior?

[theperfectlife]

WOW, has posting on this site been an eyeopener for me. It has given me an idea of the scrutiny I will endure when finally setting myself and my husband free.

Obviously there are many details and things that have happened over the years that no one knows. Yes, I did cheat. I am not proud of it. I married the man I fell in love with at 16. I wasn't always unhappy, but have been unhappy for many years. I'm on anti-depressants, and have struggled with it over the years. We have little in common, have very different views, and don't share the same dreams for the future. There have also been moments of verbal and physical abuse (only one time he picked me up and threw me on the ground). He also did the same to my out of control defiant daughter.

I tried to stay with him to do the right thing, wait til kids got older, give them the security that they deserve.

So for all the judgmental people out there, you don't always know all facts.

The OM is a decent man as well. We both reconnected and were in the EXACT same position in our marriages. It is not about sex.

[road]

Marriage counseling wont help. Girls already in counseling........... My struggle has always been.........do I leave my husband and deal with everyone (friends, family), hating me? Or not care what others think?

 

 

 

You loved your BH before. So why do you leave out the option to restore your feelings for your BH?

 

 

It takes more then a WW to stop banging her OM to recover her feelings for her BH. You see this is why you have become a serial cheater.

[road]

WOW, has posting on this site been an eyeopener for me. It has given me an idea of the scrutiny I will endure when finally setting myself and my husband free.

Obviously there are many details and things that have happened over the years that no one knows. Yes, I did cheat. I am not proud of it. I married the man I fell in love with at 16. I wasn't always unhappy, but have been unhappy for many years. I'm on anti-depressants, and have struggled with it over the years. We have little in common, have very different views, and don't share the same dreams for the future. There have also been moments of verbal and physical abuse (only one time he picked me up and threw me on the ground). He also did the same to my out of control defiant daughter.

I tried to stay with him to do the right thing, wait til kids got older, give them the security that they deserve.

So for all the judgmental people out there, you don't always know all facts.

The OM is a decent man as well. We both reconnected and were in the EXACT same position in our marriages. It is not about sex.

 

 

 

Fact:

 

 

There is no justification to cheat on one's spouse.

 

 

A decent man does not lie, cheat, steal, take what is not his. Let alone take someone down the road of bad morals with him.

Edited March 30, 2014 by road

[Zenstudent]

WOW, has posting on this site been an eyeopener for me. It has given me an idea of the scrutiny I will endure when finally setting myself and my husband free.

Obviously there are many details and things that have happened over the years that no one knows. Yes, I did cheat. I am not proud of it. I married the man I fell in love with at 16. I wasn't always unhappy, but have been unhappy for many years. I'm on anti-depressants, and have struggled with it over the years. We have little in common, have very different views, and don't share the same dreams for the future. There have also been moments of verbal and physical abuse (only one time he picked me up and threw me on the ground). He also did the same to my out of control defiant daughter.

I tried to stay with him to do the right thing, wait til kids got older, give them the security that they deserve.

So for all the judgmental people out there, you don't always know all facts.

The OM is a decent man as well. We both reconnected and were in the EXACT same position in our marriages. It is not about sex.

It's always a good thing to provide as many details as possible for posters to consider.

 

Given what you've written above, I wanna ask you a few questions to think about. Do you actually believe yourself that these "details" makes it OK to betray your husband? If you don't feel like working it out, restore your relationship and be happy with what you've got, don't you think it would be apropriate to just file for divorce?

 

How does betrayal improve anything? Is this who you really wanna be?

[theperfectlife]

No, I do not believe that the details I mentioned makes it ok to cheat. Nothing makes it right; I do honestly realize that. I was simply trying to point out that although it is a sin to betray a spouse, I am not a monster. Despite my past behavior, I do believe I can be a loving faithful wife in the future.