Wife has lost her sexual interest in me

[Babolat]

Did you marry, me ex? Her comments are exactly what my ex would say. And she too was not a communicator and tried counseling with me, then pretty much laughed at it. Sex for me started to feel like mastrabation.

 

My guess is the issue is with the fighting and poor communication, which translates into her withdrawing, sexually, as she does not feel close to you.

 

I dunno, feels like you are no longer a good match.

 

Sorry, I only read the first page before replying and now see that she moved out. GOOD! And start NC. The only Contact should be through an attorney at this point. Try mediation to save $$$ on attorney fees.

 

Everyone thinks there was another man with my ex. I could care less. I was miserable, it's over, I'm happier than ever and could care less about her now. It's mean to say; it's how I feel. Once I moved out I moved full speed ahead with a divorce.

[Iguanna]

I can't get how a woman who has stopped having sexual interest on someone asks from him after the break up to be f$ck buddies cause she really enjoyed the sex between them...

[aliveagain]

The longer you stay in this drama the longer it will be before you meet the woman your going to spend the rest of your life with. You can't make her love you, she loves you or she doesn't. Why are you wasting anymore time by giving her control over that decision? You can only control your actions and negotiating some kind of friend with benefits relationship with the woman your married to is nuts, you can't negotiate with crazy. Stop being so dependant on her or you will waste the rest of your life waiting while she does what she wants. Take control of your own life.

[Babolat]

The longer you stay in this drama the longer it will be before you meet the woman your going to spend the rest of your life with. You can't make her love you, she loves you or she doesn't. Why are you wasting anymore time by giving her control over that decision? You can only control your actions and negotiating some kind of friend with benefits relationship with the woman your married to is nuts, you can't negotiate with crazy. Stop being so dependant on her or you will waste the rest of your life waiting while she does what she wants. Take control of your own life.

 

Well said. One of my colleages has been in this drama for almost 2 years now. He has documented proof she cheated on him (hired a PI), presented it to her, asked her to leave, she has pretty much said "No". Everyday I hear about more drama, more "this kinds" this and that. I tell him "why are you still even talking to her?".

 

She has finally moved out yet continues to insert herself into his life, criticizing him, judging him, using the kids against him, and he allows it. Very sad to watch him go through this.

[SDUB]

Because I have no proof of an affair and would like to exhaust all avenues before giving up on my marriage and family. People don't realize, but me putting my wife and daughter out knowing I was going to be alone was the most difficult decision I ever had to make, but did it in my daughters best interests. Now cutting all extra ties with her would be another difficult call since we are seeing each other often and getting along fine. I don't want to make this uglier than it already is for my daughter.

[aliveagain]

Because I have no proof of an affair and would like to exhaust all avenues before giving up on my marriage and family. People don't realize, but me putting my wife and daughter out knowing I was going to be alone was the most difficult decision I ever had to make, but did it in my daughters best interests. Now cutting all extra ties with her would be another difficult call since we are seeing each other often and getting along fine. I don't want to make this uglier than it already is for my daughter.

 

You need to save yourself first before you can help your daughter. Your wife fired you as her husband but you refuse to leave, she throws you just enough bones to keep you hanging around. The biggest regret I hear from betrayed spouse's is that they wished they had taken a harder line at the beginning and saved themselves years of additional anguish. You can't nice her back, she'll always have an excuse as to why you can't be together. This is your life, use it wisely or waste it, the choice is yours.

[Babolat]

You need to save yourself first before you can help your daughter. Your wife fired you as her husband but you refuse to leave, she throws you just enough bones to keep you hanging around. The biggest regret I hear from betrayed spouse's is that they wished they had taken a harder line at the beginning and saved themselves years of additional anguish. You can't nice her back, she'll always have an excuse as to why you can't be together. This is your life, use it wisely or waste it, the choice is yours.

 

Agreed. Walking out of MY house 3+ years ago was the most difficult thing I ever had to do, so I do understand how you feel. It's the best thing I ever did, too.

[SDUB]

I'm 30 years old started dating 14 years ago. I've been with her for half of my life. I'm nervous about being alone or the uncertainty of the future when just 5 months ago anything I planned be it a week-15years out it was involving her and now I am lost

[thedude1974]

I'm 30 years old started dating 14 years ago. I've been with her for half of my life. I'm nervous about being alone or the uncertainty of the future when just 5 months ago anything I planned be it a week-15years out it was involving her and now I am lost

 

It is not easy by any means.

 

Do a 180, go dark, and keep all the focus on YOU. Then you will have you answer.

[SDUB]

I can't get how a woman who has stopped having sexual interest on someone asks from him after the break up to be f$ck buddies cause she really enjoyed the sex between them...

 

I titled this before any of the details were revealed in my situation. All along she has said that the sex was amazing, but that at the time that I made the thread I was confused in my situation and that was one of the areas that she was not interested in at the time. Now that we have been living apart we have actually been getting along very well. She just got very emotional when I started hinting at us changing plans for Easter---We were going to shop for spring/summer clothes for my daughter on Friday and said that I would just give her money and she can get them, also said that maybe I just go to my families house for dinner without her on Saturday, skip the sleepover(sex) and do separate Easter bunnies. She started to cry and then I asked her why she was crying--- She said that she's not made of stone and that she gets sad (which I replied "sometimes you act like you're made of stone") I then asked her if she was missing me? having second thoughts? or thinking about coming back home? and she responded " I told you I'm missing you in a diff way(What does this mean??? is it because she's having her cake and eating it too so not able to miss me in the same way that I'm missing her?)... Sometimes I do have second thoughts. Yesterday was a very nice day...I'll talk to you tomorrow more. Tired"

 

I know most of the comments are about leaving and file for divorce, but I just can't seem to get myself to that point. I'm keeping busy, some days are harder than others, But all in all I miss my wife and my daughter and every time we hang out and everything is nice and smooth, flirting as if we were dating, both wanting intimacy its hard to get past those true feelings that are being shown. I not only want sex on Saturday, but also want to experience Easter together and both witness my daughters happiness. I'm not sure if I should do the limited contact after Easter and give her the chance to miss me like I miss her? I feel like we are heading in the right direction, but do not want to overstep and make her feel as if a decision is being made "for her and not by her"

 

In this 3 weeks of living apart I've come to realize that I don't "NEED" her but "WANT" her. In the beginning it was the opposite. I felt as if I NEEDED her to survive. So I must be heading in the right direction regardless.

 

Thanks for allowing me to think out loud again.

[SDUB]

It is not easy by any means.

 

Do a 180, go dark, and keep all the focus on YOU. Then you will have you answer.

 

What do you mean by go dark? Do I let her know my intentions by going dark or plans of how I'm going dark? I don't want to come across rude by just ignoring texts that don't involve my daughter. What are some steps of going dark?

 

"Then you will have your answer"? What answer can/could come from this? her miss me in the same way? or not?

 

Thanks

[aliveagain]

Get her mentally accessed or talk to a lawyer, something is way wrong.

[SDUB]

Get her mentally accessed or talk to a lawyer, something is way wrong.

 

I would love to get her mentally checked out because the people that do know her and my situation really believed something is wrong upstairs. Which makes this very difficult because if that is in fact whats wrong I just don't want to abandon her as she really is/was??? a great girl,beautiful, inside/out, compassionate and then 5 months later here I am....I've always said that my ultimate plan was to wait till Easter to see where I am by myself and also where we both are as a couple. I still think that 3 weeks is too soon for a decision and am leaning towards letting this go until our family vacation to Sesame Place in July. Since she is the one who is having whatever the issue is. So if I have to bring it up by then, nothing has prob changed.

[SDUB]

I have a fear that when we take it to FWB that all along I wasn't wanting her and just wanting that sexual connection with someone. I know that I can only go to FWB if I can treat it like that. Which i'm not sure I can because there will be times I have to interact with her. Plus having all that history and sex putting me in a loving euphoric state. If I did go FWB i would have to try to be like she's just some chick i'm contacting for nuts while trying to move on. I dunno if i can see myself moving on tho if we are still involved. So makes this a very slippery slope. I honestly do not know if I want to be FWB or am taking whatever interaction I can still have with her. She's my wife, she's very attractive and I want to beat. Trying to fill that void, but not so sure that it would be beneficial in the long run to me though. I may never end FWB if thats the case. What happens if/when she does? Maybe she does in fact miss me and since she is having second thoughts at times who knows? I can give it a shot. It can go both ways in that case. If she's getting whatever from me when she sees me, will that put her off from ever coming back? Cause she's getting that fix from the visits. Or does it make her want to come home? Part of me just wants some of the cake that I'm allowing her to have and eat too. So if she's offering sex and that's the one thing besides her not being in the house that i'm missing why not take it.

 

Reason I would be ok with friends or FWB would be cuz i'm not ready to start dating any time soon or am I even interested in it right now. So why not get that companionship with someone that I have a good time with and can have sex at the same time. I'll just have to figure things out by taking it slow and step by step. If the situation is the same in a month or two and nothing emotionally has changed then its probably never going to get fixed until there's absolute separation. I just have to prepare myself for whatever happens. Both good or bad.

[DKT3]

SDUB, your wife is cheating there is no doubt about that. The dynamic your faced with now is her trying to keep you on the hook while she explores this thing with the other guy. If it works out then your gone. If it doesn't, well your already "FWB" so she would just slide right back into wife mode.

 

Could be a slight chance she is just doing it for excitement and has every intent on coming back, when SHE wants tom

 

Either way your #2.

 

Its hard, I've been there. What changed for me was divorce papers. Talk about an attitude adjustment. The second those papers hit her hands she was on the phone begging, pleading, blowing snot bubbles. Just a bawling mess. She never thought I would do it. Her l8ife and focus became me 100%.

 

Even if your wife doesn't turn like mine did. Go out on your terms, make your path, instead of taking the one she laid down for you.

[worldgonewrong]

Your wife is a master manipulator, and she knows you well enough to play mind games - hence this apparent "FWB" quandary.

Forget whether or not she's got some mental issues - that's not your responsibility; it's hers to get checked out. Don't enable bad behavior, regardless of the 'mental' aspect.

Aliveagain put it so perfectly, succinctly: "The longer you stay in this drama the longer it will be before you meet the woman your going to spend the rest of your life with."

That should be your mantra.

I get it, having been there: you're worried about being alone, worried about wondering if you'll ever have sex again, etc.

You won't be alone, you will have sex again, and most importantly, you'll LOVE again.

This ain't love, between you & your wife. This is emotional/spiritual suicide by degrees, and you're letting her control the show.

[Babolat]

Your wife is a master manipulator, and she knows you well enough to play mind games - hence this apparent "FWB" quandary.

Forget whether or not she's got some mental issues - that's not your responsibility; it's hers to get checked out. Don't enable bad behavior, regardless of the 'mental' aspect.

Aliveagain put it so perfectly, succinctly: "The longer you stay in this drama the longer it will be before you meet the woman your going to spend the rest of your life with."

That should be your mantra.

I get it, having been there: you're worried about being alone, worried about wondering if you'll ever have sex again, etc.

You won't be alone, you will have sex again, and most importantly, you'll LOVE again.

This ain't love, between you & your wife. This is emotional/spiritual suicide by degrees, and you're letting her control the show.

 

Agreed, OP, focus on you, take care of, you. STOP trying to figure this out.

 

I was 44 when "my life suddenly ended" when the ex-wife said "I don't think I love you anymore". I was crushed. So I know how you feel. A lot of us here do. People suggested to me for a long time that she cheated. I could care less. Looking back, the only reason I would care is for the settlement, as she got 1/2 of my effing money. She contributed about 20% to our combined income yet I volunteerly gave her 50% of everything to get the divorce done. If she cheated, well that may have been different. After a couple of months I realized how happy I was and I pushed for the divorced. She dragged her feet.

 

Now, it's time to take care of you. See this as an opportunity, not a failure. Move forward, grow, take care of yourself.

[oldshirt]

This is all crap! You seriously need to stick your balls back on and take some responsibility for your own life. we've all been trying to be cordial and appropriate and compassionate but you are being a complete pussy and letting her push you around and call all the shots and each and every time you are the one ending up on the short end of the stick.

 

 

Your mantra needs to be "ALL IN OR ALL OUT."

 

 

Either take the truck to her relatives and load her, the kids and her sht into the truck and haul her back home and tell her she is either going to be a real wife in a full-service marriage or you get with your lawyer, draw up your divorce papers and file on her ass and move on with your life.

 

 

If you choose the former and think you should get her head examined then stuff her psycho ass into the car and haul her to the shrink and get it examined.

 

 

The bottom line is you need to pick one course of action or the other and see it through to it's logical conclusion - ALL IN OR ALL OUT.

 

 

She has two feet, if she can't stand to be in the house married to you and being a real wife in a real marriage then she can walk and start her own new life and you do the same.

 

 

This sick and twisted hybrid of being a single person who's still legally married but on seeing her "husband" as a FWB on her terms while she's out doing God-knows-what the other 28 days of the months is utter and total bullsht!

 

 

Grow some balls and lay down the ALL IN OR ALL OUT ultimatum. give her 24 hours to make up her frickn mind and at 25 hours you are either hauling her back home to a real full-service marriage or you are handing her divorce papers.

 

 

Quit letting her push you around with all this wishy-washy schizophrenic bullcrap.

[hurts_so_bad]

Dude listen..As a man you have to be centered and know what it is you want and what it is you will accept..You obviously made it clear you want the marriage to work and are not happy with the situation...Tell her one more time you love her and want to be with her...If the answer is something you do not like then tell her that you just cannot do it anymore and move on no matter how much it kills you!

 

Women do not respect a man that has no backbone to stand up for what they want. If there is no respect there is no way she can love you! Sometimes we have to make decisions that arent necessarily what we want but what we have to do..

 

Tell her one last time what you want and what the outcome is going to be if you dont get what you want. Give her a day or two to think it over and get back to you..

 

If the answer is not what you want to hear then just tell her that you cant do it anymore and the only time you want to hear from her is if its something important about your daughter..

 

I know it sucks bro but in life much of the time, The hardest thing to do is the best thing to do..This may open her eyes and draw her back to you..Even if it doesnt it will allow you to start the healing process which is a long process! If you keep going on the track your on with her you may not start the process for a long time!

[2sunny]

She doesn't know how she feels about you - and wasn't interested in sex.

 

That's not a woman who's totally interested in you. That's a woman who's hoping she tosses you enough bread crumbs so that she can keep using you.

 

Since you continue being her doormat - you'll probably keep entertaining her crap offers.

 

Either she IS your wife and acts fully as a loving and supportive partner in every sense of the word - or she can figure it all out on her own.

 

She wanted money to shop for the child? Tell her to get a damn job!

 

Stop making it easy for her to use you while she's being a crappy wife!

 

Don't say yes to one thing she requests!

[notbroken]

When she tells you 'she is not sure what she wants' you should tell her you aren't either any more. If she wants you back she is going to have to earn you back by being there 100% - not 99% or you just aren't interested. Tell her it has to start now - or you are just going to proceed with divorce. Then do it.

 

She is either interested in someone or has a boyfriend.

 

As hard as it is, you should accept that she is no longer the wife you married and move on as best as you can. The sooner the better. Stretching out the pain won't help anyone.

 

Give her an ultimatum. ASAP.