Sending a letter to the Wife

[krazikat]

You are absolutely correct, it IS his place to tell his wife that he had an affair, that he broke his marital vows, that he lied to her about where he has been. That is obvious. But, it isn't going to happen. So then what?

 

As a BS, I can honestly say I would want to know, no matter the source. Yes, in an ideal world ws would come clean on their own...but that rarely happens.

[Goodbye]

As a BS, I can honestly say I would want to know, no matter the source. Yes, in an ideal world ws would come clean on their own...but that rarely happens.

 

 

Yes, I doubt many come clean without a d day or pressure from the OW. How did you find out Krazikat?

[FoolishOW]

My 2 cents may not mean much, but I'll throw it in there anyway.

 

 

I'm not sure I've ever really understood the idea that she deserves to know, as in, "I suddenly genuinely care about this woman, and sincerely want this to be of help to her." I'm not saying it is NEVER true, as it's not my place to say that. What I am saying is that more often than not, the idea of that motive simply makes us feel better about what we're about to disclose, when in our "heart of hearts", if we're really being honest, it still comes down to wanting to drop a bomb on HIM!

 

 

You have the ability to end his interruptions, simply by avoiding his contact at all cost. That is within your power to do, without involving anyone else at all. The longer you go ignoring the bum, the likelier it becomes that he'll quit his sorry communication with you.

 

 

She does deserve to know, but I don't think she needs to hear it from you. It just carries a level of hypocrisy that doesn't seem right to me. You're a bigger person than that, right? At least I believe you are. My opinion... let the idea of the letter go. The aftermath and the drama it will cause is beneath you, and not something that can add anything positive to your life. Strengthen your own resolve to erase this guy from your life rather than inviting more distasteful circumstances into it. Best to you, my friend!

[Justwondering33]

1st, I'm sorry for what your going through because I've so been there.

 

I understand hurting him & he's obviously a piece of ****. Going through this myself & thinking about doing the same thing at one point (my guy is such an ******* he deserves whatever comes his way) the only thing that has stopped me , is my desire to not let him change me as a person. I don't want to hold anger (& believe me I've felt it) I don't want to ever allow him to drag me down to his level . I've thought to myself, wouldn't that make me just as bad as him? Everyone is different & handles things differently. No one can tell you what the right or wrong thing is. I just know for myself , id never give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to me in such a way, that it turned me bitter. Good luck with this, I know it's hard.

[Lady2163]

This is one of the few times I am actually in support of telling the BS, because I think it will benefit the OP.

 

You may be angry with the exMM, but you're also doing this to move on and get him out of your life.

 

I can also understand having to send it to her place of employment. It sucks, but if there is no other way, then to her workplace it must go.

 

I wouldn't send a letter first to her home to have him intercept it. That just gives him a warning and heads up of how he would defend himself if you did eventually send it.

 

As ludicrous as this may sound, possibly a lawyer or private investigator MIGHT deliver the letter/package to her at home. That could cost some money though.

 

I would avoid anything in the letter that sounds like an excuse if you are genuinely sorry, which I think you are.

 

Just prepare yourself for all sorts of possible reactions. As scummy as he has seemed, I wouldn't put it past him to turn you into a bunny boiler and he the unwitting victim...

[krazikat]

Yes, I doubt many come clean without a d day or pressure from the OW. How did you find out Krazikat?

 

My daughter overheard a weird conversation my h had on his affair phone and told me about it and the secret phone...I confronted, he denied. I waited and found the phone, talked to ow when she called...it was lovely.

[rumbleseat]

This may sound off the wall, but why not go to a pay phone or use a friend's phone to call her. Call at a time when you know she'd be home, and if you have to ask so done one else to ask for her, then so be it. Talk to her directly and explain what happened. Tell her that you will gladly send proof if she wants it.

 

If you can't do that, then send her a message via social media. I have even heard of one ow who created a website using a free web that included pictures, copies of emails and texts, etc. she sent the w a link and told her she'd keep it up for x amount of time.

 

 

These suggestions may sound extreme, but they could work.

[FoolishOW]

This is one of the few times I am actually in support of telling the BS, because I think it will benefit the OP.

 

You may be angry with the exMM, but you're also doing this to move on and get him out of your life.

 

I can also understand having to send it to her place of employment. It sucks, but if there is no other way, then to her workplace it must go.

 

I wouldn't send a letter first to her home to have him intercept it. That just gives him a warning and heads up of how he would defend himself if you did eventually send it.

 

As ludicrous as this may sound, possibly a lawyer or private investigator MIGHT deliver the letter/package to her at home. That could cost some money though.

 

I would avoid anything in the letter that sounds like an excuse if you are genuinely sorry, which I think you are.

 

Just prepare yourself for all sorts of possible reactions. As scummy as he has seemed, I wouldn't put it past him to turn you into a bunny boiler and he the unwitting victim...

 

 

I'm probably not understanding this correctly because it sounds like the BS was just reduced to not much more than "collateral damage" in this scenario. I know it's never easy, but a much less destructive option still remains. Ignore the SOB!

 

 

All this discussion about how and when and where to implode this woman's life upon her, while she clearly hasn't done anything to deserve it, sounds far worse than is necessary for the OP to have the relief she seeks. There's a saying about "using a hammer to swat a fly" that comes to mind... What is the rationalization again for why this BS deserves this?

[jwi71]

I sheepishly admit to only reading about 2 pages here...so if I'm off the mark its because I was too lazy to read a gazillion posts.

 

Send the letter.

 

We can't become overly mired in others here. The problem at hand is an OM who won't go away. We tried the nice way...no luck.

 

So now we try the "not nice way". This isnt about the BS...or the OM really...its about the OP wanting/needing this to end. With the OM refusing to get it...time for us to kick it up a notch.

 

Send the letter to his W. It will not pleasant for ANYONE involved. But it becomes pleasant for OP...when MM goes away. Which is the goal.

[rumbleseat]

I sheepishly admit to only reading about 2 pages here...so if I'm off the mark its because I was too lazy to read a gazillion posts.

 

Send the letter.

 

We can't become overly mired in others here. The problem at hand is an OM who won't go away. We tried the nice way...no luck.

 

So now we try the "not nice way". This isnt about the BS...or the OM really...its about the OP wanting/needing this to end. With the OM refusing to get it...time for us to kick it up a notch.

 

Send the letter to his W. It will not pleasant for ANYONE involved. But it becomes pleasant for OP...when MM goes away. Which is the goal.

 

Actually, it becomes pleasant for the OP when she can look at herself in the mirror and be proud that she did the right thing all the way around. She seems to have a conscience, and if, at the end of the day, she can know that she torrid of this unwanted mm while causing the least amount of harm to the so she will feel pretty darn good.

[Lady2163]

I'm probably not understanding this correctly because it sounds like the BS was just reduced to not much more than "collateral damage" in this scenario. I know it's never easy, but a much less destructive option still remains. Ignore the SOB!

 

 

All this discussion about how and when and where to implode this woman's life upon her, while she clearly hasn't done anything to deserve it, sounds far worse than is necessary for the OP to have the relief she seeks. There's a saying about "using a hammer to swat a fly" that comes to mind... What is the rationalization again for why this BS deserves this?

 

It isn't that the BS deserves this. But, to play devils advocate, she should be able to decide if she wants to stay married to someone who is possibly a serial cheater and liar.

 

The OW is doing this, as I understand it, not out of revenge, but to get the MM out of her life. She is apologizing, taking her part of the blame. Which again, this is a scenario where MM lied about being separated/single.

 

I'm usually the first one to say the OW needs to protect herself, because MM will sell her up the river. If wife snaps and shows up on her doorstep with a gun, an OW may die with a clear conscience, but she will still be dead and justice isn't guaranteed (all it takes is one person on the jury to have been cheated on, know someone who has been cheated on, had an adulterous parent, etc). What if MM snaps and shows up in the scenario? I'm against telling the spouse in most cases, not just because the fallout for the OW such as: work trouble, personal trouble, damaged reputation but because of the physical safety issue. MM isn't thinking of her, BS is up to her eyeballs in emotions and needs someone to blame.

 

In a perfect world, the OP could disappear overseas for a few years and get away from him.

[latergater]

Send it. She deserves to know what her husband is.

 

I did the same thing (not a letter but sent messages that I found on fb to the wife) and it is the best thing I ever did. I waited a long time before deciding to do so .. and did it for two reasons. 1) She deserves to know the truth and make the decision whether she will stay or go based on the TRUTH -- not based on his version of the truth! 2) It helped me move forward with my life as I knew I had to let the truth be known -- it was the right thing to do .. for me, for her, and for the guy I now think of as a cheating, lying, dirty pig.

 

Do it! The first few days you may regret sending it .. but after those first few days pass, you will be able to put this behind you. You didn't do anything wrong -- he did. He needs to own it. Good luck!

[Goodbye]

It isn't that the BS deserves this. But, to play devils advocate, she should be able to decide if she wants to stay married to someone who is possibly a serial cheater and liar.

 

The OW is doing this, as I understand it, not out of revenge, but to get the MM out of her life. She is apologizing, taking her part of the blame. Which again, this is a scenario where MM lied about being separated/single.

 

I'm usually the first one to say the OW needs to protect herself, because MM will sell her up the river. If wife snaps and shows up on her doorstep with a gun, an OW may die with a clear conscience, but she will still be dead and justice isn't guaranteed (all it takes is one person on the jury to have been cheated on, know someone who has been cheated on, had an adulterous parent, etc). What if MM snaps and shows up in the scenario? I'm against telling the spouse in most cases, not just because the fallout for the OW such as: work trouble, personal trouble, damaged reputation but because of the physical safety issue. MM isn't thinking of her, BS is up to her eyeballs in emotions and needs someone to blame.

 

In a perfect world, the OP could disappear overseas for a few years and get away from him.

 

 

She can only "decide" to stay with a serial cheater/liar if she actually knows he IS one. The thing is...these men who can pull this stuff off are cagey and calculating. You assume she knows on some level that he does covert stuff and has simply chosen to turn the other cheek. She may very well decide to do so if told about H's activities, and that is certainly her place to decide. But making a choice kind of depends on knowing what your are choosing.

 

And I cannot disappear "for a few years overseas" to get rid of the MM. Lol. I actually have 3 children and a life where I live. The MM is across the country from me anyway. Could I do better with NC...as in not actually reading the sh*t he sends me fedex? Sure. But, I still know he is doing it. He has a method to his madness...He wants to stay in my head. It is up to me to refill my life so that he no longer has any place in it...even with stupid emails and fedex love letters.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Goodbye

[Iguanna]

You seem decided to do it. Do it but send her some proof as well of him initiating contact, may that be a copy of a letter or an e-mail, whatever will make her truly believe you. But be prepared that she will ignore your warnings and stay with her husband, making you the enemy. Women who stay with serial cheaters are not clueless, they know more or less what is going on and they choose to stay with them. Be prepared to delete this chapter of your life from your memory and truly move on. Don't expect her to become your friend or to feel empathy for your drama. For her most probably you are an evil woman who she hates.

[Goodbye]

Ok! So this is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't types of scenarios. I suppose I knew that when I posted it a few days ago.

 

 

I have received the full spectrum of opinions. Thank you to all of you who have responded. It has helped very much. I appreciate those of you who have opened up about your own experiences on this topic.

 

To address some common themes that have come up:

 

Does the BS deserve to know? I think so. Yes, it should be from her husband. I posted a long time ago about how I found out my exH cheated on me. I found out during a deposition in preparation for a divorce hearing. My lawyer casually asked him about extramarital relationships and he dropped the bomb that he'd been with a fellow soccer mom from up the streed. I HAD NO IDEA. I did realize that my marriage was not a happy place, hence the divorce, but that little piece of data would have served me well the year prior. So, I suppose this event does influence how I think through my own situation now.

 

Should I tell her ONLY if my reasons are purely selfless? I suppose. I struggle with this one and I'm honest about it. I consider myself to be a good woman, but not a martyr. I readily admit that some of what fuels my motivation is so that the exMM feels some of the pain I've been forced to feel. Yes, it is hard for me to walk away from what I thought was a loving adult relationship only to find out it was caked with lies...and to know he returns to a home with a wife who, because she doesn't know all the truth, is likely happy with him. In the meanwhile, he lives with her as a husband and continues to shoot arrows in my direction which chip away at my resolve. By resolve I do not mean resolve to never go back to him. At least that is clear to me. More my resolve to put this all in the past, let go of revenge fantasies, and walk on into my future. I keep repeated the phrase like it is a mantra: "The best revenge is a life well lived."

Edited February 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cozycottagelg]

I've read this whole post. There are so many great replies and I found myself going back and forth on whether you should tell the wife or not. Tough choice.

[Lady2163]

Goodbye, the answers will run the gamut. Some will attempt to disguise their derision by calling it 'support'.

 

I'm going to generalize and say that most of the people on here have an agenda or history that somehow impacts their answer. As said before, don't allow strangers from the Internet to make your choices for you.

 

I'm an OW, working on ending things. Normally, as long as theyre not blatant bunny boilers or psychos, I tend to be supportive of the Other. In the few instances I've seen where the other is off the deep end, I tend not to comment.

 

No two affairs are exactly the same. Your affair is not like mine, your AP is not like mine. All I can do is offer my suggestions and agree with much of what you have said.

 

It is human nature to open mail. Don't be too hard on yourself for that. If you're not responding, then you are maintaining your end of NC.

 

It sounds like you have thought things through. It sounds like you're doing this for the right reason. It sounds like you have some regret at mailing this to her workplace. But, you know the details of the daily life. She won't get it at home through the US postal system.

 

I'm standing by my comment of hiring a lawyer or PI to deliver a letter at home if you so desire as an option to having her get it at work.

 

I don't get to go to fantasyland very often. Very few people are just able to pull up and leave the country when they want to.

[cozycottagelg]

Did you send a letter today?

[Cali408]

Don't send the letter. Just don't ever correspond with him ever again. If he ever contacts you tell him the next call will be to his wife.

 

No Contact, no facebook, no other social media and move on. Your relationship was based on lies. Big surprise he lies to you.

 

All of us in affairs are liars. We lie to ourselves (rationalizing) our spouses and our partners to get what we want.

 

She knows he's a POS, you don't need to confirm it. I hope you haven't sent it. Be above the fray and stay out of there business.

[BetrayedH]

Haven't yet read the whole thread but if you need another vote for sending it, I'm it. Hoping you sent it today.

 

He's been winning on both ends. It's about time that the two women get what they need.

[jwi71]

Actually, it becomes pleasant for the OP when she can look at herself in the mirror and be proud that she did the right thing all the way around. She seems to have a conscience, and if, at the end of the day, she can know that she torrid of this unwanted mm while causing the least amount of harm to the so she will feel pretty darn good.

 

A very noble goal indeed - one I agree with.

 

Just don't want OP to become so concerned with not "hurting the BS" with this letter that nothing gets done. And that the desire to not hurt the W becomes so all-encompassing that nothing gets done - and the OP is no better off.

 

The BS has already been hurt - she just doesn't know it yet - and there is NO easy way to deliver that message. Especially from the OW. Because of this...and the fact the BS is not posting...I encourage OP to deliver the letter w/o concern for the BS. It isn't out of callousness towards anyone...we just need to get to a resolution here.

 

My .02 if its worth even that.

[Goodbye]

Did you send a letter today?

 

 

No, not yet. Had 2 of my daughters home with a violent stomach bug...been cleaning up vomit all day, so haven't left the house. Awesome.

 

The upside is that my day was completely consumed and I didn't think about the exMM once until coming here (note to self...maybe writing about this ordeal prolongs the psychological misery).

 

I plan on going out tomorrow...will send it certified so some office assistant doesn't open the mail.

 

Thanks again everyone for all the replies.

[whichwayisup]

No, not yet. Had 2 of my daughters home with a violent stomach bug...been cleaning up vomit all day, so haven't left the house. Awesome.

 

The upside is that my day was completely consumed and I didn't think about the exMM once until coming here (note to self...maybe writing about this ordeal prolongs the psychological misery).

 

I plan on going out tomorrow...will send it certified so some office assistant doesn't open the mail.

 

Thanks again everyone for all the replies.

 

Oh god, that's awful. Hope your kids are feeling better and hope too, that you don't get that stomach bug. Some say drinking apple cider vinegar can prevent and kill off those types of tummy germs.

 

Whatever happens, hopefully now exMM will just leave you alone. And by sending the letter (are you including your number in case she wants to talk to you, ask questions?) it'll bring some peace and closure into your life.

[Tarnished]

I did the same thing (not a letter but sent messages that I found on fb to the wife) and it is the best thing I ever did. I waited a long time before deciding to do so .. and did it for two reasons. 1) She deserves to know the truth and make the decision whether she will stay or go based on the TRUTH -- not based on his version of the truth! 2) It helped me move forward with my life as I knew I had to let the truth be known -- it was the right thing to do .. for me, for her, and for the guy I now think of as a cheating, lying, dirty pig.

 

Do it! The first few days you may regret sending it .. but after those first few days pass, you will be able to put this behind you. You didn't do anything wrong -- he did. He needs to own it. Good luck!

 

Latergater - I couldn't have said it any better myself.

 

I agonised over whether to write to the BS and eventually chose to. I also offered her my ph number for her to call and ask questions if she needed/wanted to.

 

She eventually did call but didn't say a great deal, just asked why I'd sent it - I told her because it was the truth, which he was not willing to give her but that I thought she needed to know. Throughout our conversation I was contrite and owned and accepted the blame for my part in the A, admitting I knew I'd done the wrong thing. I haven't heard from her again and don't expect to.

 

I really regretted it for the first few days - I was wracked with guilt becaues I had hurt her so much (if she did believe me). Now I'm ok with my decision and feel like I can now finally move on because of it.

 

Their marriage will hopefully stand a better chance for knowing the truth, rather than the lies he was keeping from her.

[ComingInHot]

I'm glad you're going to send it. I'm SO Sad His Wife is going to get the news at work in the middle of her day. Ugh, that turns my stomach. But if it's the only way to give her the truth and for you to have closure (even though you want to hurt him*), then it should happen.

Best of luck moving on.